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04.01.17 - 04.02.17 Volume 16 Issue 120
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Rocket launches scheduled for Santa Monica Airport Hedge Wars heat up with fortification proposal
BY CORPORATE SHILL Spaced X has announced plans to relocate its launch center from the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Florida to the newly shortened runway at Santa Monica Airport. “Now that the airport runway is too short for rich people to hog it with their chartered jets, we thought it was the perfect place for private citizens to begin their vacations around the moon,” City Manager Rich Cool said in a statement sent to the Daily Press. While jets can no longer utilize the 3,500 foot runway, it is the perfect size for Spaced X’s Falcon Heavy rocket. Because of the 5 million pounds of liftoff thrust, neighbors are advised to bring any flammable patio furniture indoors during the overnight launches. “Wait – the City actually shortened the runway?” exclaimed surprised Sunset Park resident Judy Swanson, wondering what she was going to do with the extensive poster board and sharpie collection she had stocked for the next ten years of airport protests. In a nod to environmentalists, the highly combustible rocket-fuel used in the launches does not contain lead. Any rocket debris recovered in yards, atop cars or that plummets through your ceiling can be recycled with the City in exchange for a drought-resistant
BY PLAGERIZING HACK Santa Monica’s long simmering Hedge Wars have opened a new front with a proposal to allow fortified hedges along neighborhood borders. Officials expect the push for district based elections will further isolate individual neighborhoods and with many homes along the city’s northern border already functioning as fortified compounds, officials are anticipating a push from wealthy residents to further limit access. SEE HEDGE PAGE 7
Ballot measure demands losers be treated as election winners BY DEVELOPER BACKED LOBBYIST
it’s only a matter of time before folks decide a water based commute makes sense,” said Captain A. Hab, Santa Monica’s Harbor Traffic Officer. Los Angeles has been ranked as
Santa Monica’s professional complaint association wants the people that keep winning elections to know they plan to lay down the law with their latest ballot initiative. The Losers As Winners (LAW) measure would require winners of elections to adopt the positions of losing candidates. It also stipulates a ballot measure would still pass into law regardless of the election results provided enough people thought it would pass on Facebook. “We can’t let people who win elections keep behaving as if they represent a majority of voters,” said Iva Gottacomplaint from the
SEE CONGESTION PAGE 3
SEE MEASURE PAGE 6
Pho Tashop
SEE ROCKET PAGE 3
LAUNCH: A shorter runway doesn’t matter when you’re making a vertical takeoff.
City moving to prevent aquatic congestion BY NON RESIDENT INTERESTS Traffic planners have applied for a grant to install a new set of specialized traffic lights at the end of the Santa Monica Pier to prepare for an expected surge in boating traffic along the coast as a
result of land-bound congestion. The lights will provide right of way instructions for boaters looking to pass within 40 feet of the tip of the pier and will include turn-lanes for boats attempting to access the Santa Monica Pier. The new lights come with an underwater extension that
officials expect will be utilized by divers/swimmers but could be adapted to accommodate submersible craft should traffic on the surface prompt an Atlantian solution. “The reality is, you could just swim from the Marina to Malibu in less time than it takes to drive so
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Westside OUT AND ABOUT IN SANTA MONICA
Saturday, April 1 Not a Joke anymore (from April 1, 2016) ‘Preparing for Defeat: The Inevitable Election of Donald Trump’ Attend a lecture/support group sponsored by the Santa Monica Democrats. Topics include how to move to Canada, secession for liberals and what the hell is happening to our nation? Tissues will be provided.
How to throw a social media tantrum Are your social media tantrums just not getting the traction you want? Are people just ignoring your digital bile? Learn strategies for making yourself even more annoying and ways to attract fanatics/fanboys/failures to your cause.
Kite Flying Workshop Let’s go fly a kite. Up to the highest height. Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring. Up through the atmosphere. Up where the air is clear. Oh, let’s go fly a kite!
Finger Puppet workshop You know which finger you want to work. Get ideas to dress up your finger for the right occasion. Perhaps a nice little bicycle helmet for the drivers who travel in the bike lane or some oversized headphones for guy next to you on the bus.
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PAGE 2 E .................. WHAT’S UP WESTSID OR ..............PAGE 4 EDIT LETTER TO THE E PAGE 5 PERFORMANC ....PAGE 7 TONGVA DANCE CHAMPS ................ PAGE 9 LABOR DAY ............ TO ................ MYSTERY PHO
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BY MATTHEW HALL Daily Press Editor
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New AD pursuing his passions at Samohi Ballaret left finance s career for athletic administration BY JEFFREY I. GOODMAN Daily Press Staff
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college with a Coming out of et Timothy Ballar business degree, ed into a career immediately jump IC SEE ATHLET
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CULA H.I.A seminar The CULA Proctology Department will host the annual Head In Ass Summit this weekend. Come hear from industry leading experts on this nationwide epidemic and its associated conditions, Talking From The Butt, Crappy Opinions and Poop That Doesn’t Stink.
Neverending yardsale story Visit one of the perpetual useless garbage sales populating the Wilmont neighborhood to purchase items sellers consider trash and/or probably purchased from a different perpetual yard sale the week before.
Foraged Food fondue Walk the city with some of the local street gourmets to gather ingredients from the free resources available including local seaweed, freeway weeds, median squirrel and all the palm fronds you can eat.
Drivers Ed for Lyft/Uber Drivers Do you think driving 5 miles an hour along Olympic while looking for your fare is legal? Have you made a 15 point turn in traffic? Do you think hazard lights make it OK to park in the middle of the street? If so, you’re probably a rideshare driver and need remedial driver training.
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media ovide connections incentivize prepaidansactions as a means of campaign to pr of cash tr cusLight Rail Line. upcoming Expo and bring some if its amount efficiency. Currently, cash to BY MATTHEW HALL seconds To offset costs regional averages, the increasing average of 23 Daily Press Editor tomers take an take less than inline with Blue products will increase by $0.25 to $1.25 board while prepaid customers up for the Big fare $2.50 Prices are going e holding a public base es increase to use ar fares 4 seconds. ntly, 2 percent of customers ride. Express far passBus and officials 10 to preview changes per cent increase), seniors/disabled “Curre ease to ent use 13-ride ent (50 tokens will incr c y passes, 2 perc meeting on Sept. feedback. ill be unchanged, ease), day passes are 30-da cent use day passes, and 1 per and hear public a meeting from 6-7:30 w per to es, 3 (25 cent incr staff report. “Thesee Santa $1.25 BBB will host ide ticket increases to use tokens,” said the far hanged, the 13-r ain Librar y (601 goes of current prepaid p.m. at the M update customers on its unc ($2 increase), a 30-day pass low percentages ectly attributable to the pass y o t $14 .) 30-da d ser v ice a youth use are dir Monica Blv e updates and $50 ($10 decrease), ease), an express 30- media 6 proposed far decr SEE PRICE PAGE drops to $38 ($2 increase). A new adding ($9 be changes. $89 ll i o w t BBB $14. increases be available for According to staff,vice over the next 12 day 7-day pass will e ser of Blue rolling 11 percent mor t of the Evolution months as par
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CONGESTION FROM PAGE 1
the worst city for traffic with local commuters spending more than 104 hours a year in congestion, more than any other city in the world. A recent study by global traffic engineers ranked more than 250 domestic cities and more than 1,000 worldwide. Los Angeles outstripped similar cities like New York and San Francisco. Many drivers along the North/South route end or begin their trips outside city limits and with ever increasing gridlock on dry land, more and more commuters are seeking radical alternatives. “If my choice is between one of the freeways or wearing a wetsuit, launching a boat, paddling it by hand 7 miles, dragging that boat to shore, changing out of the wetsuit and then walking to work, it seems like the boat is way easier,” said surfer dude Nemo Dory. Officials said many of the city’s existing mobility efforts can be easily adapted for a water-based commute. Santa Monica’s ongoing efforts to promote bicycles can be applied to the existing water-bikes available for rent in Marina Del Rey and there’s precedent for a water bus that could become part of a new Big Blue Bus operation. Critics questioned why a signal light would be necessary to control traffic across a transit lane as vast as the ocean but planners said there’s no reason to expect boaters to be any better than drivers when it comes to the logical operation of their vehicle and cited the cluster parking problem as an example. A single car will enter a lot and park anywhere. The second or third car into the lot will inexplicably choose to park adjacent to the first, creating a cluster of cars in a seat of empty spaces. “We expect to see the same phenomenon on the water as occurs on land with drivers seemingly unable to understand how to
ROCKET FROM PAGE 1
plant rebate as long as you are a Santa Monica resident. If its first test launch is successful, Falcon Heavy will be the most powerful vehicle to reach orbit since the Saturn V Moon rocket, spewing the equivalent amount of rocket fuel of 35,654 years of jet operations at SMO on its way out of earth’s orbit. Two folks way richer than you will eventually ride Falcon Heavy around the moon, making your recent vacation to Santa Cruz seem ridiculously lame. The City will be providing commemorative earplugs to near-
Pho Tashop
BARGING IN: With roadways increasingly unusable, commuters are expected to begin using boats to travel up and down the local coast.
operate a vehicle with other vehicles nearby,” said traffic engineer Jack Crabstew. If funding is secured for the lights, staff would look for additional money to begin a second phase of aquatic upgrades. Phase 2 would install mooring buoys, similar to those used on Catalina Island, adjacent to the Pier. While no municipal ferry service would be offered to offload boats, it’s anticipated ride sharing services
will quickly develop an app to provide dingy rides to and from the ocean-parked boats. The boatsharing service is one of several expected economic opportunities associated with boat travel. O’Neil has already expressed an interested in a wet-to-dry suit line that would accommodate the busy business boater and there is discussion of a larger ocean-bound expansion. “Communities like Shanghai have suc-
cessfully developed their waterways into affordable housing resources and I think the next step for Santa Monica is to move as many people onto floating communities as possible,” said Councilmember Ariel Triton. The proposal is expected to take several years to implement, require no less than 35 public hearings and engender a protest from residents who did not attend any of the meetings.
by residents for a $10 fee. Spaced X CEO Eloon Musket decided to move the private rocket program to California because Florida weather is too unreliable and the people are just plain crazy. “Counting down to the first Spaced X launch from sunny Santa Monica this summer. The burning flames of rocket thrusters should torch any June gloom within 5 mile radius,” Musket tweeted. NASA wanted to keep the program at Cape Canaveral, but could not complete with the high salaries and generous pensions programs Santa Monica is offering astronauts as part of the LaunchSaMo recruitment program. City Manager Rich Cool,
known for his progressive politics and innovative ideas, announced his plans to become the first city manager to send a constituent around the moon on his daily Snapchat Vlog post. “The key to build affordable housing is to locate it on another planet,” Cool said, recognizable only by his member’s only jacket beneath the Snapchat alien animated filter. “We view this as a scouting mission.” As far as the City’s promise to turn the airport into a park, as the thruster’s 5,800 degree flames torch all surrounding vegetation, the ashes will be collected and placed in the ocean to help develop a network of underwater parks. “We said we would build a park, we just
didn’t specify where,” City Councilmember Sunshine Summer said at a recent overnight City Council meeting held underneath the Santa Monica Pier. “This park will be invaluable to longtime Santa Monica residents like kelp bass, rockfish, and swell sharks.” While Musket initially planned to develop Falcon Heavy with private capital, the City generously sponsored the project at the last minute in exchange for allowing a local artist to paint Santa Monica’s famous mermaid crest on the side of a rocket booster. The proposal is expected to take several years to implement, require no less than 35 public hearings and engender a protest from residents who did not attend any of the meetings.
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The City of Santa Monica has opened applications for its new Lunch Relief Program. As part of the city’s efforts to subsidize life for residents, the city will be providing a $10 coupon to residents to help them afford lunch in the city. The money can be applied to any eatery that meets the city’s rules regarding sustainability and health-conscious choices but will not be accepted anywhere that serves food affordable to someone on an average salary. Staff examined the most popular lunch choices within the city and determined the allowance would drop the price of an organic tofu and acai bowl to about $25, decrease the cost of a charcoal-beet-elderflower juice to $15 or cover the service charge to have a $5 sandwich delivered.
Parking policy revision City Hall will revise its parking calculations to account for drivers who treat intersections as parking spaces. Given drivers inability to keep intersections clear, particularly at intersections downtown and near the freeway, officials have decided to stop fighting for clear streets and take advantage of driver’s desire to remain stationary in their vehicles. Under the new formula, the square footage of a congested intersection will be divided by the average car length and added to the city’s parking database. In a related decision, parking meters will be relocated from the edge of the sidewalk to the center. The move will hopefully provide something for everyone to love (or because this is Santa Monica, hate). Casual bike riders will be discouraged from using the sidewalk due to the new impediments and that could please pedestrians. However, adventurous bicycles can use the new meters as a slalom, increasing their chance of annoying pedestrians.
New zoning rules mandate business to resident ratio City Staff have been working on a variety of new planning documents and included in the upcoming revisions will be a set of rules mandating a ratio of residents to businesses. Selected business classes have been deemed “essential” based on their current prevalence in the city. Business that Santa Monicans can’t live without include nail salons, juice bars, gourmet grocery stores, fitness studios, Starbucks and bars serving $15 cocktails. The precise ratio will vary based on the kind of business and there may be modifiers to some classes. For example, a gym serving cold-pressed juice would count in both categories but a personal trainer charging hundreds of dollars to make you run up publicly owned steps would not count towards the studio ratio. The new rules only establish minimums for the selected classes so while residents will be guaranteed to find a Starbucks within 500 yards of their homes, the rules do not prohibit the company from occupying every corner in the city. Officials said it’s important to maintain Santa Monica’s reputation as a beautiful beach city filled with people desperate to be pretty on the outside and residents have made it clear they have no interest in additional spiritual enrichments like book stores.
Psychic readings for Chefs seeking guidance Members of the Santa Monica restaurant community are turning to the supernatural to predict the next big food trend. Restaurateurs said food trends have lost all touch with reality and the only way to get ahead of the curve is to seek otherworldly advice. From “cakes” made of gelatinous water to $10 toast, it has become impossible to find the limits to foodies’ gullibility. “People are voluntarily drinking kale like it’s a normal activity,” said Jimmy Beard. “I ate Brussel sprouts yesterday for breakfast. Breakfast. A vegetable with a cooking smell indistinguishable from a gas leak. For breakfast. Who knows what is next?” Enter the renowned local psychic Ms. FiFi LaChance. La Chance was chosen for her connection to the food world due to her family’s background in Creole country. A famed soul reader FiFi is 206 (though although that’s a subject of debate because she has been 206 for a while now), but is still busy helping the lost get found. She said during these confused and anxious times, she can interpret her cards and intuit your soul to divine secrets and so help lost souls unravel life’s mysteries. Many a lost soul has found boo-coo happiness after a session with FiFi and she will be sitting with chefs searching for a solution to their cooking conundrums.
The Santa Monica Daily Press publishes Monday - Saturday with a circulation of 10,000 on weekdays and 11,000 on the weekend. The Daily Press is adjudicated as a newspaper of general circulation in the County of Los Angeles and covers news relevant to the City of Santa Monica. The Daily Press is a member of the California Newspaper Publisher’s Association, the National Newspaper Association and the Santa Monica Chamber of Commerce. The paper you’re reading this on is composed of 100% post consumer content and the ink used to print these words is soy based. We are proud recipients of multiple honors for outstanding news coverage from the California Newspaper Publishers Association as well as a Santa Monica Sustainable Quality Award. PUBLISHED BY NEWLON ROUGE, LLC © 2017 Newlon Rouge, LLC, all rights reserved.
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OPINIONS EXPRESSED are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of the Santa Monica Daily Press staff. Guest editorials from residents are encouraged, as are letters to the editor. Letters to the Editor can be submitted to letters@smdp.com. Receipt of a letter does not guarantee publication and all content is published at the discretion of the paper. All letters and guest editorials are subject to editing for space and content. All submissions must include the author’s name, address and phone number for the purposes of verification.
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City seeking new awards for sustainable people BY CITY HALL MOUTHPIECE
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The City of Santa Monica is pursuing a new state award for creating and supporting sustainable residents. Santa Monica’s entry to the competition will focus on what officials are calling the most resilient, most sustainable, and most eco-conscious residents of the city: its homeless population. The award will be given based on several categories including a measurement of resident’s carbon footprint, comparisons of resource use, contributions to the environment and the long-term viability of their lifestyle. “Our outdoor centered residents recycle clothes or ‘Pre-Worn’ attire, utilize existing structures for weather protection, use absolutely zero energy to warm or cool themselves and reduce food waste from local businesses,” said the city’s award application. According to the city’s Office of Award Seeking, they realized many housed residents aren’t actually interested in environmental sustainability if it requires them to drive less or walk more than 100 feet at a time. However, there is a ready-made pool of environmentally sustainable residents who already live a predominantly recycled lifestyle. “Sometimes getting an award means bypassing existing rules, laws or common sense, and we’ll do that if need be, but in this case the lack of action from the city has actually paid off in creating this pool of people that we can now be recognized for,” said Award Procurement specialist Iwanna Win. As an added bonus, redefining the city’s homeless from a “problem” to “an awardwinning community of Environmentally Sustainable People (ESP)” could justify the existing indifference to homelessness expressed by much of the community and
increase the mental wellbeing of many locals. “While other communities are declaring homelessness a crisis and embarking on huge efforts to provide services, Santa Monicans have chosen to drop homelessness from the public dialogue,” said Win. “If we can remove the perception that homelessness is a problem, then residents can still claim to be progressives while ignoring the issue.” Officials said diverting money from award seeking programs into problem solving solutions wasn’t part of the budget this year. “We only have a quarter of a billion budget so there’s really no money to pay for the kind of services that would actually bring people off the streets,” said City Manager Mick Bole. In addition, officials said trying to house the homeless would require actual housing, a concept that is opposed by many residents. “We wouldn’t want to discomfort those individuals who are already living here based on government controlled housing or those who are already living in palatial comfort but suggesting housing construction in Santa Monica,” said Councilman Jimmy Hernandez. While the results of the award application won’t be available for several months, officials are hoping a win could prompt more creative thinking in pursuit of future awards. “If the items stolen during the recent increase in property crime show up for sale online, we might be able to repurpose the experience,” said Win. “I’m sure there’s something we could win if we pitch Santa Monica providing an incubator environment for scrappy entrepreneurs.” The proposal is expected to take several years to implement, require no less than 35 public hearings and engender a protest from residents who did not attend any of the meetings.
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MEASURE FROM PAGE 1
undisclosed location she retreated to after the last election. After spending years claiming to represent a majority of residents despite multiple losses at the ballot box, some organizers are starting to fear their choices for success are either compromise with individuals who think differently based on rational, respectful conversation or make an end run around the current rules. “If there’s one thing we know, it’s that everyone that doesn’t already agree with us is automatically the enemy so this is our only option,” said Gottacomplaint. Organizers said the LAW initiative maintains several elements deemed important for a populist missive including a cutesy name that allows for easy campaign slogans and a willingness to uphold the measure as a panacea for every civic ill. “Most people won’t care what it actually says. We’ll tell people it’s a traffic prevention measure, cure for homelessness, environmental protection plan and a mandate to reduce food costs,” said co-author Nima Bee. The measure would also alter the process for filing any new ballot initiatives. Rather than gather signatures in support of a measure, any idea, no matter how bad, would qualify for the ballot and signatures would
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be gathered only in opposition. Even if a majority were to sign a petition preventing a measure, the loser-as-winner provision would overwrite the opposition, but the names of people that disagree are most important to organizers. “It’s important we keep an enemies list on file so we know who to disparage on social media and personally attack from the safety of our own organization,” said Bee. When asked if the measure would create an inverse election with candidates trying to lose (and therefore have their points take up by the winners), organizers said their history of poor performance and increasing bitterness gives them a significant advantage in a loser-takes-all model. “Our candidates have lost, our ideas lost and we’ve made no efforts adjust the attitude that alienated voters, I think we’ve got this,” said Gottacomplaint Opportunistic potential candidates who have themselves lost races for office are already desperately vying to become the standard bearer for the movement. “As long as this creates a situation that boosts my ego, I’m all for it,” said the interchangeable candidates already eyeing the 2018 election. The proposal is expected to take several years to implement, require no less than 35 public hearings and engender a protest from residents who did not attend any of the meetings.
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HEDGE FROM PAGE 1
“The ability to block out people who make less than you shouldn’t be limited to the obscenely wealthy and the 1 percent,” said activist Richard Money. “Those of us in the two percent should also be able to live in our second homes without fear of seeing a late model Honda cruising our streets.” Representatives from the Not In My Neighborhood association are petitioning City Council for a revision to the city’s landscaping ordinances to allow for fortified hedges as a means of protection against fears of roving middle class citizens possibly with mutts or using shared transit. “Just last week I saw someone walking a dog that clearly wasn’t a miniature poodle and I felt like I was part of an actual city,” said resident Veronica Hotel. Santa Monica has a long history with the Hedge Wars. More than 10 years ago, Billy Shriker made hedges a central part of his entry into local politics. As the son of a local political family, he felt the City’s rules regarding plant height were onerous and demanded the ability to hide the less wealthy from his view. A détente was reached allowing existing large shrubbery but capping heights on new plantings. The issue regrew during debates about the city’s zoning code when the council debated an exemption to the hedge caps that would allow gardeners to apply for an increase in height if approved by their neighbors. Hedge War veterans are leery of reopening the battlefront but said Santa Monicans’ growing desire to block access to the city and a push at the federal level for nationalism are all powerful forces.
WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017
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“If we let some of the areas create walled mini-cities it might preempt their desire to cede from the city altogether,” said Councilman Barry G’Day. The NIMN proposal would allow residents who live on the corner of an intersection to create a Joint Hedge Defense Boundary and extend their landscaping into the street forming an entry checkpoint. Refugees/residents of the neighboring areas would only be allowed entry with a work permit for a property within the Defense Boundary or proof of a bank account in the seven figures. The City’s forester would be required to undergo additional training in medieval weaponry to certify the hedges are in compliance with a newly created section of city code. “If residents apply to add a community pool/moat, that would be an additional community benefit and something that we would consider as a bonus,” said G’Day. The City’s office of sustainability is hoping residents would be willing to modify their request to account for water saving goals. While the traditional hedge plants are large leafy green vines with a high-water use, staff are hoping some more water tolerant species could be just as unwelcoming. “We think rows of cactus, particularly the varieties with large thorns, could provide the deterrent residents are asking for with minimum water use,” said G’Day. There’s also hope residents could take inspiration from the popular weaponized botany in the Plants Vs. Zombie game when it comes to choosing their defensive species. The proposal is expected to take several years to implement, require no less than 35 public hearings and engender a protest from residents who did not attend any of the meetings.
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WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017
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Puzzles & Stuff WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017
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DAILY LOTTERY
WELL NEWS
BY SCOTT LAFEE
Draw Date: 3/29
Draw Date: 3/30
Hears to Less Noise
8 15 31 36 62 Power#: 11 Jackpot: 60M
1 3 13 21 26
■ The Centers for Disease Control estimates 22 million American workers are exposed to potentially dangerous noise levels on the job, adding to roughly $242 million in workers’ compensation costs for hearing loss problems annually. ■ The CDC’s National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH) has created a cell phone app to help employees measure ambient noise where they work. It’s called the NIOSH Sound Level Meter and is tailored to measuring sound levels in noisy work environments like restaurants, construction sites and music venues. ■ The app is free on Apple’s iTunes, but works only on iOS systems due to differing microphone and audio/signaling processing chips and software used by Android devices. You can learn more at the CDC website.
Draw Date: 3/30
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WORD UP! Weltschmerz 1. German. sorrow that one feels and accepts as one’s necessary portion in life; sentimental pessimism.
SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S CROSSWORD
Sudoku Fill in the blank cells using numbers 1 to 9. Each number can appear only once in each row, column, and 3x3 block. Use logic and process of elimination to solve the puzzle.
SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S SUDOKU
MYSTERY PHOTO
Matthew Hall matt@smdp.com
The first person who can correctly identify where this image was captured wins a prize from the Santa Monica Daily Press. Send answers to editor@smdp.com.
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Comics & Stuff WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017
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Heathcliff ARIES
SCORPIO
Are you reading because you want to know what your future looks like? It’s a good thing you’re in Santa Monica. Today is the best day to visit a psychic. There is a possibility of you crying when you hear what they have to say. If you don’t have time to go to a psychic then go watch The Simpsons. The show has predicated multiple real life situations, even Trump winning presidency. Guess your future is in the hands of Matt Groening, not in this newspaper.
Everything was going to go well for you today until the International Space Station blocked the Earth’s view of Jupiter. It’s hard to plan for this type of scientific disruption in astrology charts, so we’ll just recommend you stay home . After all, this could mean you’re about to get hit by a bus. Tonight: Marathon old episodes of the West Wing and remember a simpler time in politics.
TAURUS You definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Is that the side you always wake up on? Maybe you should switch. That could have been the problem this entire time! Perhaps it’s time to buy some more pillows and barricade that side. Never go back there. It hasn’t done you any good. Tonight: sleep somewhere else.
GEMINI How can I tell if he loves me so? (Is it in his eyes?). Oh no! You’ll be deceived! (Is it in his size?). Oh no! He’ll make believe! If you wanna know, If he loves you so, It’s in his kiss! (That’s where it is!)
CANCER You have been feeling detached from the position of the planets because the earths axel has been a bit off the past 30 days. Well its time for change and that starts today. You woke up feeling unusual, particularly near your heart and its because love is coming your way. April 1 is the best day to find a soul mate using technology, according to the stars. So download Happn, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, Match.com, OkCupid, and Hinge and you will live happily ever after.
Nowhere nowhere nowhere to go. None of your money will buy you forgiveness. None of your jewelry, none of your gold, your black market cigarettes, your American nightclubs. Ah, they’ve got nowhere left. Something for nothing. All of your friends gone. Something for nothing. That’s all that you know. There’s something down in the hole.
By TONY COCHRAN
AQUARIUS We would just like to say we’re sorry for telling you to break up with your significant other yesterday. They were probably the best thing you had in your life. Whoops! Today’s advice: send flowers and stop reading your horoscope. Let’s be honest, if these predictions were true we’d put them on the front page. Tonight: standing on your head makes you upside down Atlas.
Get up offa that thing, and dance ‘till you feel better. Get up offa that thing and dance ‘till you, sing it now! Get up offa that thing, and dance ‘till you feel better. Get up offa that thing and try to release that pressure! Get up offa that thing and shake ‘till you feel better. Get up offa that thing and shake it, say it now! Get up offa that thing and shake ‘till you feel better. Get up offa that thing and try to release that pressure!
If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now, It’s just a spring clean for the May queen. Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there’s still time to change the road you’re on.
Agnes
More money can really help your bank account. In order to get more money you need to go to work, and stop sleeping through your alarm clocks. You should also avoid accidents that can result in high hospital bills. Especially when on a bike. The city is looking pretty dangerous and expensive today with multiple bike crashes and some lawsuits. Be sure to look both ways, because your wallet will thank you.
PISCES
LIBRA
By JOHN DEERING
CAPRICORN
You know that thing you’ve been thinking of doing? No, not that thing. The other thing. Yeah. That’s the one. Now is the time. Go for it. No regrets. We mean it. Trust us. It’s not that crazy. You can thank us later. Tonight: wear yoga pants.
noH QapmeH wo’ Qaw’lu’chugh yay chavbe’lu’, ‘ej wo’ choqmeH may’ DoHlu’chugh lujbe’lu’ qaStaHvIS wa’ ram loSSaD Hugh SIjlaH qetbogh loD meQtaHbogh qachDaq Suv qoH neH tugh qoH nachDaj je chevlu’ta’
Strange Brew
SAGITTARIUS
LEO
VIRGO
By PETER GALLAGHER
Dogs of C-Kennel
Zack Hill
By MICK & MASON MASTROIANNI & JOHNNY HART
By JOHN DEERING & JOHN NEWCOMBE
HUFFLEPUFF You are feeling ambitious today. Find your best middle school essay and submit it for a Nobel Prize. While you’re at it, send in your middle school yearbook photo, the one with the acne, braces and the uncombed hair. After that, book a trip to Mount Everest, and then go tell your ex’s family. You want them to think highly of you. By the end of day you will have succeeded in life.
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