LOVE, WE’RE TOLD by sages and poets, by artists and activists,
You want a truth that’s universally acknowledged? Love sucks.
is the answer. Love will set us free. It will lift us up when we’re
It is the actual worst. It’ll make you feel things for people, and then
down, give us hope when we’re hopeless, give our very lives
those people will leave. It’s like a drug, but instead of making you
the meaning and purpose we crave. We hear it so much it’s
cool, it just makes you cry over soppy ads on TV. It will make
become a sort of everlasting refrain. All you need is love. Love
you earnest. And it will make you boring. And it will end.
is all you need.
If there’s one thing that both sceptics and converts can
Bullshit. Love will not — in any true or lasting way — set you
agree on, it’s that love is mysterious. Is it the universal life force
free. It can’t pay your bills when you’re broke. People who are in
or just chemicals whizzing around your body that make you do
love seem to become at least 10 per cent dumber. And if love
a bunch of dumb things? No offence, lovers, but we’re betting
really is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
on the latter.
Love, it seems, is a collective delusion propped up by an
‘Love,’ said Charles Bukowski, ‘is a dog from Hell.’ We’d like to
effective marketing plan. A lie perpetuated by poets. The great
add that it will probably give you rabies. So let’s hear it for the
rock ’n’ roll swindle. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was
cynics and the heart-bored and to anyone who’s ever looked
probably the invention of Valentine’s Day.
love in the eye and thought: meh. This one’s for you.
4
LOVE SUCKS
LAURELL K. HAMILTON BLUE MOON
6
LOVE SUCKS
LOVE SUCKS
ENID
ALAIN DE BOTTON
8
9
GHOST WORLD
ON LOVE
LOVE SUCKS
SPIKE
BUFFY: THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
11
LOVE SUCKS
NANCY MITFORD
LOVE IN A COLD CLIMATE
12
LOVE SUCKS
RAYMOND CHANDLER
LOVE SUCKS
CHRIS ROCK
THE LONG GOODBYE
NEVER SCARED
14
15
LOVE SUCKS
KATHARINE HEPBURN
17
LOVE SUCKS
LORRIE MOORE SELF-HELP
18
LOVE SUCKS
FRANÇOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
LOVE SUCKS
MARY WOLLSTONECRAFT
REFLECTIONS; OR SENTENCES AND MORAL MAXIMS
A VINDICATION OF THE RIGHTS OF WOMEN
20
21
SYLVIA PLATH
THE UNABRIDGED JOURNALS OF SYLVIA PLATH
LOVE SUCKS
EVELYN WAUGH
DECLINE AND FALL
24
LOVE SUCKS
INGE AND STEN HEGELER
LOVE SUCKS
NOËL COWARD
AN ABZ OF LOVE
THE LETTERS OF NOËL COWARD
26
27
LOVE SUCKS
FRANÇOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
REFLECTIONS; OR SENTENCES AND MORAL MAXIMS
29
LOVE SUCKS
LORRIE MOORE LIKE LIFE
30
LOVE SUCKS
WOODY ALLEN
32
LOVE SUCKS
SONJA
LOVE AND DEATH
33
LOVE SUCKS
PAULO COELHO
BY THE RIVER PIEDRA I SAT DOWN AND WEPT
35
LOVE SUCKS
PETER PRANGE
THE PHILOSOPHER’S KISS
36
LOVE SUCKS
LOVE SUCKS
AMBROSE BIERCE
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE
38
39
THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY
HELEN ROWLAND A GUIDE TO MEN
LOVE SUCKS
LOVE SUCKS
CHARLES BUKOWSKI
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE
42
43
WOMEN
NO EXIT
LOVE SUCKS
DAVID SEDARIS
DRESS YOUR FAMILY IN CORDUROY AND DENIM
44
LOVE SUCKS
DIANE ARBUS
LOVE SUCKS
OSCAR WILDE
THE ART OF PHOTOGRAPHY
THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY
46
47
RICHIE TENENBAUM
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS
LOVE SUCKS
CHUCK PALAHNIUK
LOVE SUCKS
FRANÇOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
FIGHT CLUB
REFLECTIONS; OR SENTENCES AND MORAL MAXIMS
50
51
LOVE SUCKS
ROY ORBISON LOVE HURTS
52
LOVE SUCKS
SYLVIA PLATH THE BELL JAR
54
LOVE SUCKS
HENRY ROLLINS
IN THE SYDNEY MORNING HERALD
55
LOVE SUCKS
THE SMITHS
HOW SOON IS NOW?
57
LOVE SUCKS
MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN
THE COMPLETE NEUROTIC’S NOTEBOOK
58
LOVE SUCKS
PAULO COELHO
LOVE SUCKS
FRANÇOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
BY THE RIVER PIEDRA I SAT DOWN AND WEPT
REFLECTIONS; OR SENTENCES AND MORAL MAXIMS
60
61
LOVE SUCKS
WOODY ALLEN
63
PLATO
PHAEDRUS
LOVE SUCKS
CHUCK PALAHNIUK
LOVE SUCKS
PLATO
HAUNTED
PHAEDRUS
66
67
LOVE SUCKS
EDDIE CANTOR KID MILLIONS
69
LOVE SUCKS
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW THREE PLAYS FOR PURITANS
70
LOVE SUCKS
LOVE SUCKS
LEONARDO DA VINCI
W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM
QUOTED IN COLLECTED WORKS OF PAUL VALÉRY, VOLUME 8: LEONARDO, POE, MALLARME
THE SUMMING UP
72
73
LOVE SUCKS
LEONARD COHEN LOVE IS A FIRE
75
LOVE SUCKS
CYRIL CONNOLLY
THE UNQUIET GRAVE: A WORD CYCLE BY PALINURUS
76
LOVE SUCKS
SUSAN SONTAG
LOVE SUCKS
LEMONY SNICKET
AS CONSCIOUSNESS IS HARNESSED TO FLESH: JOURNALS AND NOTEBOOKS, 1964–1980
HORSERADISH: BITTER TRUTHS YOU CAN’T AVOID
78
79
LOVE SUCKS
H. L. MENCKEN
81
LOVE SUCKS
LOVE SUCKS
BOJACK HORSEMAN
ARTHUR RIMBAUD
82
83
BOJACK HORSEMAN
I’M NOT THERE
LOVE SUCKS
DANIEL S. GREENBERG EXES
84
LOVE SUCKS
LOVE SUCKS
MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN
STEVE MARTIN
86
87
THE COMPLETE NEUROTIC’S NOTEBOOK
LOVE SUCKS
GEORGE RR MARTIN A CLASH OF KINGS
89
LOVE SUCKS
OSCAR WILDE
A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE
90
LOVE SUCKS
ANDY WARHOL
LOVE SUCKS
GERMAINE GREER
THE PHILOSOPHY OF ANDY WARHOL
ON ENOUGH ROPE WITH ANDREW DENTON
92
93
LOVE SUCKS
FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY
THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV
95
LOVE SUCKS
LIZ LEMON 30 ROCK
96
LOVE SUCKS
LOVE SUCKS
GERMAINE GREER
PAUL VALÉRY
98
99
THE FEMALE EUNUCH
LOVE SUCKS
CHARLES BUKOWSKI
LOVE IS A DOG FROM HELL
101
LOVE SUCKS
MAUREEN DUFFY
102
Published in 2017 by Smith Street Books Melbourne | Australia smithstreetbooks.com ISBN: 978-192541869-9 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, in any form or means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any storage and retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publishers and copyright holders. Copyright design Š Smith Street Books Copyright illustrations Š Emma Munger CIP data is available from the National Library of Australia Publisher: Hannah Koelmeyer Compiled by: Nadia Bailey Design: Astred Hicks Illustrator: Emma Munger Printed & bound in China by C&C Offset Printing Co., Ltd. Book 46 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the quotes and their attribution, imperfection is as inevitable as heartbreak.