Focus Magazine | April 2022 by St. Mark's School of Texas

FocusMagazine A REMARKER PUBLICATION

APRIL 2022

FamilyMatters

Family Matters

Now firmly established in Dallas, the Cunninghams feel that they have achieved the way of life they always wanted.

Table of Contents 4

Divorce dynamics: a student's view When parents split and break up the family unit, students are forced to adjust to new conditions.

United by birth, together since We spoke with seniors Enoch and Elijah Ellis about what growing up a twin means to them.

Son, daughter, father and — father?

Parentification: making sacrifices Taylor Hopkin ‘20, the oldest of his five siblings, stepped up to support them when they needed him most.

Family stereotypes An examination at how media and society portrays family dynamic.

Passing down tradition

Home is where the field is

7,000 miles from home

Evan McGowan and Andrew Lazcowski ‘20 both set their respective families on a path of sport and culture.

When Marksmen step onto the field of play, they step on as one. How much of a family are they?

Stepping off the plane, fifteen-year-old Ivan Meng was completely alone in a foreign country with One Goal in mind.

Filling in the missing piece From booming metropolises to more rural communities, the changing climate is putting people at risk.

Table of Contents

Staff Editors Morgan Chow Ian Dalrymple Contributing Editors Austin Williams Toby Barrett Peter Orsak Writers Ben Adams Aaron Augustine Noah Cathey Nikhil Dattatreya Shreyan Daulat Zack Goforth Axel Icazbalceta Grant Jackson Arjun Khatti Keshav Krishna Aaron Liu Myles Lowenberg Nolan Marcus Will Pechersky Grayson Redmond Will Spencer Dillon Wyatt Dawson Yao Jonathan Yin Photographers Hayward Metcalf Jake Bond Sal Hussain

Focus Magazine, an independent magazine affiliated with The ReMarker, is a single-topic student publication of St. Mark’s School of Texas, 10600 Preston Road, Dallas, TX, 75230.

Editor's Note When someone says the word family, they’re most often talking about a few people. But which ones? What if it’s a single father raising two kids after their mom left? Or maybe it’s twin brothers who try everything together? What about two dads who chose to adopt? Who really makes a family? We all have different families in one way or another, but most of us will never really experience those differences because we aren’t a part of other people’s households. And there are a lot more than we tend to think about. So this magazine aims to celebrate the things that make each family unique. Maybe they’re related by blood. Maybe they’ve got a shared tradition that brings them together. Maybe they had a different family in the past, and then it changed. Obviously, we can’t write about everyone, but hopefully this magazine gives you an idea of just how diverse our families really are. Let’s take a look… Co-editors Morgan Chow Ian Dalrymple

About the cover Co-editors Morgan Chow and Ian Dalrymple worked with photographers Hayward Metcalf and Jake Bond, using four objects—a pacifier, a suitcase, a backpack and a basketball—to represent various areas of family life.

Family Matters

Divorce dynamics: a student’s view

CALEB VANZANT senior

I’ve definitely been able to mentor him greatly, and there’s still a lot that I need to do.

When parents split and break up the family unit, students are forced to adjust to NEW CONDITIONS.

mom, a dad, a brother or sister — all under one roof. The traditional family, as some might call it. But there’s no shortage of kids who fail to find themselves living within this conventional dynamic. Divorce, in particular, serves as a common path that breaks away from the standard. For seniors Caleb Vanzant and Elijah Baker, divorce has completely reshaped their lives and relationships from an early age. So, how have they come to deal with the situation each day? At only eight years old, Vanzant’s initial reaction to his parents’ divorce differs from many older children. Since the divorce in 2011, Vanzant’s mom has remarried and had another son, now Caleb’s half-brother. “I was pretty young when they got divorced, so I didn’t really understand what was going on,” Vanzant said. “If anything, I was mostly more confused than sad, since I didn’t know why everything was happening.” Baker’s parents, on the other

By the NUMBERS

hand, divorced when he was just two years old, and while his mom remarried soon after, Baker’s dad remarried later on, creating a unique dynamic. “My dad got married again when I was eight or nine, and that was a lot weirder because I was only at my dad’s [house] for two or three days at a time, so it was difficult getting to know a stepparent,” Baker said. “It was really weird having someone who is in charge of you but who you don’t really consider your parent.” Both of Baker’s parents had sons after they remarried, giving Elijah two half-brothers, who are now 13 and 14 years old. “Since they’re both brothers, we have a lot of the same interests, like sports, and we talk about a lot of the same things,” Baker said. “We do a ton of stuff together, so that definitely makes things easier.” Vanzant experienced a similar dynamic with his stepfather when he grew closer with him after Vanzant’s mom remarried. “Getting to know my stepdad was honestly really easy,” Vanzant

Divorce is no rare occurence in today’s world, so we took a look at just how common this split occurs.

SOURCE: wf-lawyers.com

said. “I thought of him more as an uncle figure, but I made sure to distinguish between him and my actual dad. In the end, it was like developing a new relationship or finding a new friend.” Happening at such a young age, the divorce didn’t seem out of the norm to Elijah, but he’s still grown up living in two separate homes, trying to balance both. “My whole life having to go back and forth is a huge pain sometimes, having my stuff at different houses,” Baker said. “During vacations, if you’re going away, then you have to miss time at one house, and you have to make up that time. It’s just really annoying to have to deal with all that.” While he was in the same boat as Baker at one point, Vanzant, however, no longer deals with the difficulties of a recurring transition between homes after an agreement was made within the family. “Having to live in different places was tough, since I started out switching weekly between my parents,” Vanzant said. “In the end,

41%

6th

of all first marriages end in divorce.

U.S. world rank in highest divorce rate.

Seconds passed between a new divorce in America.

Divorce dynamics: a student’s view

Family divided Adjusting to a new family dynamic after a divorce brings new obstacles into a child’s life, one being the challenge of regularly switching between two homes.

the living situation came down to a matter of convenience. My mom was closer to school, so it was just easier for everyone. That really was one of the biggest problems, since it was simply tough timewise.” Beyond the living difficulties, another responsibility of Baker’s came in the form of being a role model for his younger brother. “With my brother Isaiah, his family situation is a little weirder, so I’ve really had to help out and guide him a lot through his life,” Baker said. “I’ve definitely been able to mentor him greatly, and there’s still a lot that I need to do.” On the other hand, Vanzant has been fortunate to receive guidance from an older family member who made his way into Vanzant’s life. “Having another mentor is

also really cool,” Vanzant said. “My step-dad is always there to advise and support me, and that’s really great.” Over the years of Vanzant living with this dynamic, a sense of normalcy remains within the family. “Obviously, I’ve grown closer and closer with my half-brother and my stepdad, but my relationships with my actual parents have stayed the same. I stay in contact with my dad pretty much every day. Even my parents are still on good terms. Though they don’t talk regularly, they’ll still communicate with each other over scheduling issues.” To keep connections with his different family members, Vanzant was forced to make adjustments to his daily life. “I developed really good time management skills, so I could still find

time to maintain the relationships I wanted to,” Vanant said. “Spending quality time with each parent was something I strived for. It was also tough making sure that my biological sister and half-brother understood what was going on.” Although Vanzant acknowledges the hardships that arise through the adversity, he recognizes the positives that emerge as well. “No kid really knows what to expect from something as serious or as important as divorce,” Vanzant said. “Going into it, I didn’t expect anything ideal to come from it. However, I’ve come to love my halfbrother. He’s amazing.” STORY Will Pechersky, Dawson Yao GRAPHIC Morgan Chow

ELIJAH BAKER senior

Family Matters

United by birth, together since

The DYNAMIC DUO on campus, we spoke with seniors Enoch and Elijah Ellis about what growing up a twin means to them.

Can you tell me a bit about your childhood? Enoch: I had a traumatic childhood. There were a lot of times where I was in my room, looking up chemistry stuff, and I wanted Elijah to help me, but he wouldn’t help me. And so then I wouldn’t play basketball with Elijah, so he had to play by himself. And then he got sad. Elijah: Saturday mornings, I would be chillin’. It’d be a beautiful day. And then he would come into my room, do something stupid. Just walk in, knock something on the floor and walk out, and then I’d have to go beat him up. And then I would feel bad after that. Enoch: I built a high pain tolerance from those times. Now I have a pretty high pain tolerance. Elijah: But now we’re too busy to really fight. Enoch: We get along now. I just pay him off whenever I need to, and it works out. From knowing both of you, I know sports have been a big part of your lives, so how has being twins impacted that aspect of your lives? Enoch: We’ve been very involved in sports together for a while. One of our friends got us playing football in third grade. We were running track before kindergarten, at like six. One of our friends, his name was Zavion, wanted Elijah to run track. And if Elijah did something, that meant I did something, because that’s how things work. So he convinced us to go out and run track. And we died that day. Imagine six year olds running 800s, 1600s. Elijah: Speaking of sports, Enoch is the reason I joined wrestling in the first place. At first, I had a distinguished A-team basketball career in the seventh grade, but

Enoch chose to wrestle, for who knows what reason. Our mother has always emphasized supporting each other. Whenever one of us has a sporting event, if we’re not both in it, we go support the other one. I went to a lot of wrestling meets in seventh grade and– Enoch: He realized he wanted to be like me, and so he joined. Elijah: I liked what I saw– Enoch: He wanted to be like me. Elijah: The team camaraderie, the brotherhood. So then in eighth grade, with Enoch wrestling and some coaches trying to recruit me, I decided to wrestle and the rest is history. You both came to St. Mark’s in sixth grade, how was adjusting to St. Mark’s, having each other? Elijah: I really leaned on Enoch our first year at St. Mark’s, adjusting to the new environment. It was key to have a brother. Enoch: We would always forget stuff. But then if I forgot something, then Elijah would have it, and if he forgot something, then I would have it. That’s the benefit of having brothers in the same grade. Elijah: My right-hand man. Enoch: That was pretty helpful. I remember Elijah was very good friends with Maddox [Epperson] in sixth grade. I was really good friends with Sahil [Dodda]. We were both in Mr. [ Jason] Lange’s humanities class. We would compete to see who could get better grades, etc, etc. That was pretty fun. We helped each other out. We were used to not being in the same classes from elementary school, so that wasn’t anything new. We weren’t used to actually having homework outside of school or anything like that.

Enoch Ellis

United by birth, together since

LIGHTNING ROUND Favorite sport?

Chocolate, vanilla or strawberry?

How many kids do you want?

Where do you want to end up?

Favorite holiday?

Favorite dish?

Dream job?

Elijah

Football.

Strawberry.

Two.

The Lone Star State.

Thanksgiving.

Fried chicken.

Five-star general.

Enoch

Track.

Strawberry.

Zero. I’ll have a pet monkey.

Anywhere that’s not the South.

Thanksgiving.

So now that you’re in high school, since that’s such an important period in a person’s life, how have you been able to grow together during these years?

Elijah Ellis

Elijah: Our service to the school through the Student Council has been a great vessel for me and my brother to work together, such as being able to bounce ideas off each other, give each other advice and so on. Enoch: Especially when I would be thinking about something for Student Council, and I would ask him, because I had my people that I hang around, he had his people. I’d say we grew together that way. How would you say you’ve grown apart and formed your own identities since elementary school? Enoch: I would say just pursuing a lot of interests that you may find interesting in the moment, even if afterwards you don’t. In ninth grade, for instance, I was in the play. That was interesting. I enjoyed it. It was something new. Following my passions has really allowed me to fully explore St. Mark’s and all that it has to offer. It really built me into the man that I would want to be. How has growing up with a twin impacted the person you’ve become? Enoch: It gives me a different perspective. It’s allowed us to simultaneously have a different perspective that we can always rely on, but also see how different choices impact people. It’s kind of like a cheat code to life. Elijah: I would say growing up with a twin has made me more compassionate and more caring. Because not only do I have to worry

Chemical engineer, Beef specifically a Wellington. concrete mixer.

about myself, I have to worry about the well being of my lesser half, because I know the predators are out. Could you imagine not growing up with a twin, either as an older brother or a younger brother, or even as an only child? Enoch: I don’t know if I could have survived as an only child. I can see Elijah as an older brother, maybe. Elijah: I am the older brother. Enoch: By one minute. Elijah: That’s all I need. Enoch: Yeah, I’m taller than you though. I could maybe imagine Elijah being an older brother. He’s always been that role model for me, of what to do and a lot of times of what not to do. I couldn’t really imagine being an only child. Don’t think we would have made it out to elementary school. That would have been interesting. Elijah: I think God intended for me to be an older brother. I think it all worked out, and it suited me. I could not imagine myself as a younger brother. Actually, I could, but not with this guy. All in all, how would you say you’re more similar, you’re more different? Enoch: We have a similar survival instinct and a similar passion. Although we have different interests, we have the same passion to do what we need to do to be successful. Elijah: I would say a similarity is that we’re both natural leaders, in different ways, as evidenced by us being captains on our sporting teams and in the community. That’s a good thing. INTERVIEW Axel Icazbalceta, Grant Jackson PHOTO Hayward Metcalf

Family Matters

FAMILY An apology to Apu

or years, the only real representation of Indian American’s I’d watch on television was convenience store owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon on The Simpsons. As such, he was one of the few depictions of the Indian family in media. And despite the successful efforts to take Apu off the air, it’s one of my favorites. In my experience, Indians characters are either destined to fall in love in a fleeting romance or just have absolutely no skill with women, like Raj from the Big Bang Theory. But Apu is different. Apu has a loving arranged marriage, a fact that is suprisingly uncommon in India. Especially to outsiders, this can be a shock. People can learn to love each other, if not for themselves then for their children, Apu’s marriage to his wife is likely the best representation of an arranged marriage I’ve seen in Western media, let alone a cartoon.

Apu, his wife, and their eight children (octuplets) are endearing, not derogatory. Apu’s drive to create a successful business in the United States and his role in his family portray the American dream that thousands of Indian-American kids that identify with. With that being said, I would like a little more authenticity when it comes to cultural depictions and names in the show, but it’s far from racist or worthy of being cancelled. In recent years, as more Indian-American families have been cast on television, some stereotypes have still remained. An example of this is the idea that Indian-American parents push their children to achieve the highest grades, and sometimes push too hard. While it’s a stereotype, it’s not necessarily false. Parents of Indian-American children often endure a lot before coming to the United States. It’s only natural that they would want

their children to have things they could not while they were that age. In other words, Indian parents want their children to make complete use of their hard-earned resources. Of course, that parental involvement can sometimes have adverse effects on their kids’ mental health, but it isn’t universal and definitely should not play such a large part in the depiction of IndianAmerican families on KESHAV KRISHNA TV. Issues Editor, ReMarker

But my parents are from Mexico.

o where are you from? When I think about my background and how I identify myself, I find it easy to describe who I am, but always find a certain degree of difficulty in defining what I am. From that, a few facts stand out: 1. I am the son of two Mexican immigrants from two different parts of the country. 2. My father is from Guadalajara, Jalisco, and my mother is from Victoria de Durango, Durango. 3. They met here in Dallas. 4. I was born and raised my entire life in Dallas. 5. Though I may have Mexican citizenship by virtue of my two parents being born in México, I have yet to get my Mexican passport. 6. I have to fill out a tourist visa application every time I visit my family.

7. I speak exclusively Spanish at home and exclusively English at school. 8. Though Spanish is my native tongue, my command of English is greater. Because of this, I can’t honestly say I’m either fully Mexican or American. I think both parts of my identity are too ingrained for one to erase the other. I’m too much of one to be fully accepted by the other. Though my heart is in México, my body has always been in the United States, and that just can’t be ignored. I think much of this comes from how I was raised. Like I said, my parents always and only spoke to me in Spanish. They didn’t want me forgetting where my family comes from and the core of my culture and heritage. Even though we would live in the United States for my entire childhood and I would be influenced by the American culture all around me, they didn’t want me to lose my Mexican identity. I learned Spanish at home from my parents. I learned English from the cartoons I watched and the kids I played with. At home, I grew up Mexican. Outside, I learned how to be an American.

But my experience has not been like everyone else’s. I know plenty of other people whose parents are also Mexican immigrants, but they themselves can’t speak Spanish. I know just as many people who you couldn’t tell were born here and not back in the motherland. To try and generalize the experience of Mexican-Americans is nearly impossible. Each of our parents take their own approach to balancing embracing our roots and assimilating to American culture. Neither approach is really better than the other. It all just comes down to how you prefer to raise your child and what values you want them to have. I am proud and grateful of how my parents raised me. I like the synthesis of Mexican and American cultures I represent. So whenever anyone asks me where I’m from, I’ll always answer: I was born in Dallas, but my parents are from AXEL ICAZBALCETA México. Opinions Editor, ReMarker

Stereotypes of Families

STEREOTYPES Black...ish?

am a Black boy growing up in a two-parent, double educated, intergenerational household with two teenage brothers. Although my background might seem normal, I struggle to find my family’s typecast on television. Big and small screens are not full of Black families, let alone ones like most of my community. The first television show starring a Black family, Good Times, came in 1974. The Evanses were a struggling family living in a Chicago housing project. Despite being very charismatic, the Evans family conveyed the narrative that most Black families were barely making it. The theme song literally refers to them “scratchin’ and survivin’.” In that same decade, two more shows featured Black men who owned businesses. Fred Sanford ran a dirty junk yard in Watts, California, in Sanford and Son. George Jefferson owned a dry cleaner and lived in a New York City highrise in The Jeffersons. The men were on different coasts, but it seemed as if they were on different planets. Shows featuring Black families in positive light were harder to find. The most renowned

show debuted in 1986. The Huxtables from The Cosby Show finally featured a family with education as a central theme. Cliff, a physician, and Claire, a lawyer, lived in a Brooklyn brownstone. The couple was educated at the fictional HBCU Hillman College. In the series’ run, four of their five children graduated and went on to college. The youngest was in high school when the show ended. In 1990, the same network that topped weekly ratings with the Huxtables, began airing The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. While Uncle Phil Banks was a successful attorney, the show centered around his juvenile delinquent nephew from Philadelphia who came to live with them to save his life. The most recent Black TV family is the Johnsons of Black-ish. The father is an advertising executive. The mother is an anesthesiologist. They live in a Los Angeles suburb with five children attending private school. These characters are captivating on screen, but their backgrounds are not average. Premiering in 2014, this is the only show that has benefited from its messages being amplified on social media. There is truth to the narrative that Black

families on TV are often the extremes. For my white peers, the relatable family options are endless. But for Black families, the options are so limited that they become polarizing. These families are either extremely impoverished or live in gigantic mansions. These extreme interpretations are frustrating. The issue is not that these stories are not true or compelling; it is that they are not relatable. My dream is that the options grow as numerous and diverse as the community they aim to represent. But while the choices are limited, the stories should be more relatable. The final season of Black-ish is currently airing. As the beloved show comes to an end, my fear is that the chasm of the Black families I see will grow wider. In the meantime, I will continue to wait for commonplace families like mine NOAH CATHEY to make their way References Editor, on screen. Marksmen

Asian representation done well

ven with more pressure to diversify media, especially in TV and film, the industry continues to shy away from narratives that haven’t already seen the spotlight. Still, as the call for more representation grows, it’s necessary to question what that representation should be, especially in stories about families with different cultural values than the standard Western ones. In particular, East Asian familial relationships have not been adequately explored in recent years; the family dynamics of these cultures are too different from the more familiar Western frameworks to seem worth it. But Pixar’s Turning Red has turned this view upside down. The movie follows 13 yearold Cantonese girl Meilin Lee and her journey through puberty and life’s growing problems, both figuratively and literally. All she has done is make her family proud, but a supernatural ability to compulsively transform into a massive red panda threatens this stability. Torn

between choosing her loyal friends from school or her traditional family at home, Lee has to come to terms with growing up in two worlds. While the fantastical transformations are certainly not true-to-life, what makes this movie so remarkable is that it accurately honors Cantonese culture while still telling a compelling story. Cantonese that is chanted during a ritual, authentic dishes like hong shao rou and har gow, and even the silly but scarily accurate outfits and bags of the aunts are specific but appreciated details that show the care that went into the movie. The movie’s story is very different from the more black-and-white narratives where the kid wants nothing to do with their strict, unrelenting family. Most people would assume that the straightforward narrative can be applied to East Asian families, but it’s more complicated. Lee deeply cares about her parents, and she wants to make them proud and honor their sacrifices, a feeling many children from immigrant and first-generation families can relate to. With parents coming

from ideologically distinct societies, trying to mix the cultural norms of their parents and their surroundings in a family setting is a confusing and complex process that leaves children feeling stuck between two principles. It creates a special type of relationship between family members, and seeing that portrayed on the big screen is really amazing. Recently, there has been a welcome surge in Asian stories, like those from ShangChi, Minari and The Farewell. A movie that focuses much more on the personal, private side represents the start of a new film tradition that explores intimate narratives while representing new and different MORGAN CHOW Editor-in-Chief, cultures. Focus

Family Matters

When Arjun Badi was ten years old. You've heard of single-mom families—they’re in TV shows, at your place of worship—moms raising kids on their own. But when was the last time you met a SINGLE-DAD FAMILY?

Taking care of the kids Badi used to go to work with his father on the weekends instead of staying home alone.

hen junior Arjun Badi was ten years old, he joined his sister and father for a vacation on a cruise. His mom stayed behind at the house – she had work to do. When he and his family returned from their vacation, she had packed up her things and left. “I found out through Facebook,” Badi said. “She had posted about how much she was looking forward to starting her new life, and how she had already gotten engaged in the oneweek period we were gone.” The period after his mother left was a tough time for the whole family, but it spurred a very honest relationship going forward. “We had gone through something that most people don’t go through, and it meant that we had to talk a lot of things out,” Badi said. “When it came to our finances, for example – everything was on the table.” Immediately, Badi’s family dynamic was altered. For a brief period of time, it was just him, his father and his sister. Shortly after the cruise, his grandparents moved in to help raise the children. “My dad’s schedule meant that he wasn’t home a lot of the time, so I had to fully get to know my grandparents,” Badi said. “Up until they moved in to help look after my sister and I, I had very limited experience with them and was yet to know them well.” Badi’s grandfather, Narayansa, is the oldest of 11 siblings. He likes to talk about how he helped raise them, and how his current situtation is just an extension of that. he grew up extremely poor, and was the first in Badi’s family to get a good education and a Ph.D.. Now, he helps manage Badi’s father’s medical practice. “My grandfather grew up in an Indian village called Gadag,” Badi said. “My grandmother also grew up extremely poor in her village, Hubbali. They were the first ones in our family to do well. My grandfather moved around a lot when my dad was a kid, and interestingly enough, my dad was also sent to live with his grandfather. We have had a somewhat similar experience in that regard.” Arun, Badi’s father, is a surgeon, and he’s frequently called to the hospital at a moment’s notice. “I remember quite a few times

When Arjun Badi was ten years old.

Extra hands around the house Junior Arjun Badi poses with his grandmother, Leela, and his father, Arun.

when my sister and I would sleep in my dad’s car in the hospital parking lot in the middle of the night,” Badi said. “This was when my grandparents were away and didn’t want to leave my sister and I alone.” Leela, Badi’s grandmother, is the only person in the house who can cook well, and according to Badi, she takes care of just about everything. “Since they moved in, I’ve learned so much about their culture,” Badi said. “I don’t think I would have the same understanding of my family and my culture if my grandparents weren’t living with us.” In 1998, Badi’s father moved to the United States to get his PH.D., but his grandparents remained in India. “My sister and I were born

By the NUMBERS

shortly after my dad moved,” Badi said. “My grandparents moved to America five days after my mom left. They pretty much packed everything up and booked the first flight they could get, so they ould help raise my sister and I.” GIVEN HIS FAMILY DYNAMIC, Badi thinks it’s rarely recognized. “It’s interesting how we always hear stories about single mothers,” Badi said. “But there’s also a lot of really dedicated single fathers raising their children, too.” Badi said that he’s been treated differently in the past simply because of his unique family dynamic. “Most states in India have their own culture,” Badi said. “In the U.S., people from the same Indian culture

The share of American families with children living with a single parent has tripled since 1965. Just how common are they? SOURCE: U.S. CENSUS

and region get together a lot. We used to be heavily involved with the Odia community in the Dallas area, but after the whole situation wih my mom leaving, a lot of people blamed it on me, my sister and my dad. Eventually, they stopped talking to us completely. Ultimately, Badi wants to highlight that each unique type of family has validity. “I know that everyone’s going through their own individual things, but at St. Mark’s, there are a lot of mother or father community activites, like father-son breakfasts or motherson picnics,” Badi said. “Be aware that some people might not be able to participate in certain things like that.”

of U.S. children under the age of 18 live with one parent.

STORY Austin Williams, Aaron Liu PHOTO Courtesy Arjun Badi

% of those

families are single-mother

America’s proportion of singleparent families is more than

the worldwide level.

Families run by a single father are rare, but just as valid as any other unique dynamic, according to Badi.

Family Matters

Son, daughter, father and—father?

Even before same-sex marriage was legalized in the United States, Bennett and Michael Cunningham were finding ways to live a normal family life. Now firmly established in Dallas, the Cunninghams feel that they have achieved the WAY OF LIFE they always wanted.

Status quo Michael, Liliana, Gregory and Bennett Cunningham prepare dinner on the kitchen counter. Though most of us might be used to having a mother around, this arrangement of two fathers is just how it always has been for the Cunninghams.

Son, daughter, father and — father?

ears of extensive planning and waiting had led up to this moment: fraternal twins. There would be bureaucracy and massive legal battles to come, but in this moment, the Cunningham family was complete. As a same-sex couple before the national legalization of gay marriage in 2015, Michael and Bennett Cunningham had to navigate a complex system before starting their family. But today, because of their efforts, Gregory and Liliana Cunningham, in the eighth grade at St. Mark’s and Hockaday respectively, have been able to fit in and thrive as a part of their family.

using gestational surrogacy, a process where a woman otherwise biologically unconnected to the baby carries it to term. “We looked into all these different scenarios, and we decided to protect our and our children’s rights,” Bennett said. “We decided to do gestational surrogacy, where you have a woman, an anonymous donor, who produces the eggs. That’s her only job. And then, you have a different woman carry the eggs.”

Originally, Michael and Bennett had fears about coming out as gay. Staying in the closet led to a more reserved life, where it was impossible to be true to one’s self. “It’s hiding who you are and being very reserved about yourself,” Michael said. “It’s very difficult to get close to anyone other than your family members or loved ones. It’s hard to be open with friends at work or in the community, but I don’t feel that same insecurity as much.” Bennett also appreciates how he was able to adjust his life after coming out after years of fearing the consequences. “I have guy friends who know I’m gay and aren’t afraid,” Bennett said. “There’s no more fear, and that’s nice. You can step out of your bubble. Because I was afraid I would get fired if other people found out I was gay.” Michael and Bennett had planned on having children, but they quickly

BACK THEN, the United States wasn’t a great legal environment for same-sex parents, but, thanks to the somewhat convoluted process of gestational surrogacy, Michael and Bennett were able to give themselves as much legal power as possible over their children. “We decide which ones we’re going to put in, and now we put them into a totally different person,” Bennett said. “She will carry it to term. She has no biological connection besides carrying it and has no legal right to it.” A major advantage of this process was avoiding the risk of the surrogate deciding to keep her biological child. “We have taken that issue away because there’s often these horror stories that have happened to a friend of mine, where the surrogate reneged and said, ‘I’m not giving them my kid, and my egg is my genetic property,’” Bennett said. “And then you have this horrible scenario, where you’ve

found out how complicated the process was for a same-sex couple. “We talked about it before we got married; we both wanted to have children,” Bennett said. “Around then, we started exploring ways to have children. The problem was that, legally, we didn’t want any issues with our parental rights.” Because gay marriage was not legalized then, they first got married in Canada and then confirmed it again in the United States. The fact that Texas did not recognize it would prove to complicate the process later. “We couldn’t get married in Texas or anywhere else at the time,” Bennett said. “There was this disconnect with the law, and we felt really uncomfortable. We got married in Vancouver, British Columbia first, and then we got married again in Massachusetts.” After their decision to have kids, Michael and Bennett settled on

STORY CONTINUES, NEXT PAGE

Newborns Michael and Adam show off the newlyborn Gregory and Liliana Cunningham. Following this birth would be a painful legal ordeal to legally solidify their parenthood.

Family Matters easier time than they did. “If you type our name in, you will see our case quoted in law journals because this became case law,” Bennett said, “which paved the way for other families like us to have a kid like this without having any problem.” Though the resolution of the case was certainly a relief for the Cunninghams, it certainly didn’t resolve all of their administrative problems. With a unique family structure, they still faced bureaucratic difficulties. “When I went to the Social Security office, they said they needed to see the birth certificate,” Bennett said. “And they say, ‘Well, I’ve never seen a certificate like this before, we’re going to have to mail it up to Connecticut for its authenticity.’ They also said their computer only had a mother and a father column, and asked who wanted to be the mother. Although times are changing, the bureaucracy often can’t keep up with that change.”

Family outing The Cunninghams show off their surroundings while travelling in Europe. Though the family has a busy schedule, they enjoy travelling whenever they can. CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

invested a year of time, love and energy, and she decides otherwise.”

I don’t even know if they knew we were gay or not, but I don’t think it would have mattered.

AFTER NEARLY ar a year of surrogacy that resulted in fraternal twins, Michael and Liliana, Bennett and Michael were still not done with the process of legally keeping their children. “Before they were born, we had a ruling from the Connecticut courts that the state had to put both our names on each child’s birth certificate,” Bennett said. “After the children were born, the state refused to do it. The person who refused to do it is now the current U.S. senator, Richard Blumenthal. He’s supposed to be liberal, and he gave us such heartache.” Michael and Bennett had selected Connecticut for the birth because it had a reputation as a state friendly to LGBT families. However, the legal issues with the birth certificate were extremely hard to resolve. “It was his office, the attorney general of Connecticut, who said that we want the actual birth mother on the birth certificate and the birth father,” Bennett said. “The law in Connecticut said the anonymous egg donor is not supposed to be on the birth certificate. They wanted our

surrogate’s name. But the surrogate testified in court and said that she’s not the mother.” Despite the family’s insistence and the surrogate’s testimony, the legal system would not budge. Facing even more lost money and time in court, the family settled. “They wouldn’t leave it blank,” Bennett said. “To make a very long story short, we spent a lot of money. We had local legislators in Connecticut fight for us. At the very end of the day, we had a judge who basically told us this was going all the way to the Connecticut Supreme Court and if you want this to end today, you’ve got to make a deal.” In the end, the fathers finally got both of their names on the birth certificate in a case that the state’s bureaucracy still was not set up to handle: The necessary paperwork still featured a prominent field for the child’s mother. “We finally got the birth certificate,” Bennett said. “The day we went to the Bureau of Vital Records, they couldn’t print the birth certificate because the computer program and stock paper wasn’t set up to do it. But we got a one-timeonly birth certificate with both of our names finally on it.” Because of the Cunninghams’ efforts, future same-sex families in Connecticut were able to have an

THE CUNNINGHAMS had finally, for the most part, resolved their legal difficulties. Schooling though, was another matter. Initially, Bennett and Michael were worried that their family status would affect the way schools viewed their children. “There are schools that we didn’t apply to because of their reputation of not being accepting of families like ours,” Michael said. After Gregory attended Good Shepherd for a few years, the family took an interest in St. Mark’s. “St. Mark’s was the only school we applied Gregory to,” Bennett said. “So it was either St. Mark’s, or he stays at Good Shepherd.” “The cool thing about the St. Mark’s process is that they don’t interview the parents,” Bennett said “It’s all about the kid. I don’t even know if they knew we were gay or not, but I don’t think it would have mattered.” When Bennett and Michael decided to apply Liliana to Hockaday, however, the situation was different. Hockaday’s Admissions Department wanted to know more about Michael and Bennett, but, thankfully, their status didn’t affect Liliana’s admittance. “At Hockaday, we got interviewed,” Bennett said. “They wanted to get to know more about the family. We interviewed with the had of Lower School there, and it was wonderful. She was really nice.” Bennett appreciated Gregory’s twin sister, Liliana, going to Hockaday as a break from an allmale household. “We felt it was important that she should have an outlet for herself and be around women and girls,”

Son, daughter, father and — father?

Homemade Liliana Cunningham inserts loaf of bread into the oven. Liliana cites a special appreciation for her time spent baking with Michael, a hobby that formed while she was stuck at home during the Covid-19 pandemic.

Bennett said. “If you think about it, she’s at school for eight hours a day, sleeps for eight hours and the other eight hours we have with her.” PRIOR TO HIS MARRIAGE with Bennett, Michael had started his medical practice in 1995. He has continued being a doctor ever since. “I’m a pediatric cardiac anesthesiologist, which means that I do anesthesia for kids having heart surgery,” Michael said. Bennett, on the other hand, had lived in Dallas as a reporter for CBS 11 News, but soon after the birth of hids kids, he left CBS 11 in order to start his own law practice. With both parents working, they hired a nanny to help them out, but that way of doing things wouldn’t last. “One time over the dinner table, Michael asked me if I wanted to let the nanny go and be a full-time dad.” Bennett said. “To be honest, we worked so hard to bring them into this world, and we wanted to spend more time with them. So I quit my job, and I raised the kids full-time.” For Gregory, his experience at school has been welcoming and normal. Sometimes his family structure can come up humorously when he makes jokes with friends. “I am immune to ‘your mom’ jokes,” Gregory said. “And I’d say ‘But I don’t have a mom,’ and they’re like, ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry for

your loss.’ I felt like that was kind of funny.” At Middle School here, Gregory’s largest interests are playing water polo and trying out the different fine arts on campus. “Fine arts always catch my interest,” Gregory said. “I like drawing, painting, theater, films — creative stuff.” “I feel really glad that I am at Hockaday because it’s really good that I have an all-female group to talk to about stuff with,” Liliana said. Liliana’s interests include poetry and field hockey, but being stuck at home during the Covid-19 pandemic resulted in Liliana picking an interest she could follow with her family: baking. “During quarantine, my dad started making cheesecakes,” Liliana said, “and so I joined in, and that was really fun. We were baking cheesecakes a lot in quarantine because we really had nothing to do, and now I bake with my family a lot.” Like most siblings, Gregory and Liliana would describe their reliationship as sometimes rocky but always loving. “We fight with each other, sometimes, but it’s pretty good,” Liliana said. “He’s really energetic, and I love how he has a passion for water polo.” “A lot of the time we find petty things to fight about,” Gregory said,

“but we get along whenever we have a common goal we need to work together to get to.” Though Liliana’s family situation is unusual, she asserts that, where it matters most, her family is fundamentally the same. “We aren’t completely different from other families,” Liliana said, “but I know that we’re a really tight family, and we can talk to each other about anything, which is really nice. Some people ask me what it’s like to have two dads, but it’s not that different.” When it comes down to it, Bennett, Michael, Liliana and Gregory certainly make up a unique family, but it’s not as if having two dads around turns the typical family dynamic upside down. The Cunningham family is just that: a family, who are simply living family lives, having family outings, and dealing with the same daily family struggles as everyone else. “We like hanging around other families with kids their age, and they’re all going through the same schooling and having the same day-to-day problems that we are,” Bennett said. “We all like crying on each other’s shoulders, and that’s nice.” STORY Will Spencer, Myles Lowenberg PHOTOS Sal Hussain, Courtesy Bennett Cunningham

We aren’t completely different from other families, but I know that we’re a really tight family, and we can talk to each other about anything, which is really nice.

Family Matters

Passing down tradition Evan McGowan and Andrew Lazcowski ‘20 both set their respective families on a path of SPORT AND CULTURE. Here’s how their successes have spilled over to their younger siblings.

hey may be brothers, but senior Evan McGowan and eighthgrader Ian McGowan are different in a lot of ways. Still, the two brothers, along with their sisters, Hockaday sophomore Abby Grace McGowan and eighthgrader Avery McGowan, all share one common ground: a passion for rowing. The eldest of the siblings, Evan says he got involved in crew during his freshman year with encouragement from an upperclassman. “I’d known Billy Lockhart ‘20 because we were family friends, and he kept telling me ‘you look tall, you look strong, you should come out and try crew,’” Evan said. “I wanted nothing to do with it; he basically dragged me against my will. On the first day, the younger guys were going since the older guys had just finished their piece, and the older guys were all behind them, screaming at them. The older guys were caring for the younger guys

Family ties Getting ready for practice at Bachman Lake, Evan leads his three younger siblings. The four have been able to bond over the unique sport ever since Evan began rowing.

that way and were genuinely invested, and I was immediately drawn to that.” When he was starting out, Ian was in the same boat. Skeptical at first, Ian didn’t get into crew until his brother started pushing him to do it. Once he did, however, he knew it was the sport for him. “Something that really made me start liking crew was when the winter storm hit last year,” Ian said. “Evan and I did an erg piece — I think it was 40 minutes. It was a lot of fun, and that really psyched me to start the sport.” Although Ian is in middle school, he still rows and works out with the team. Evan couldn’t be happier about his brother’s involvement. “It’s so great because my brother had always told me that he wanted to play sports with me,” Evan said. “We didn’t know what crew was yet, and we never thought we were going to get that opportunity since we’re four

years apart. The fact that Coach Pitts has been as kind and generous as he is and allowed him to come on the team is great.” Even though he now participates on the team, Ian is looking forward to the next chapter in his Upper sShool crew career. “I’m excited to row at regattas,” Ian said. “I’m also excited to not be the eighth grader or the lower classman, but to officially be part of the team. I know I’ll still probably get made fun of for being in ninth grade, but it’s fine.” When he officially joins the team, Ian knows exactly what will keep him going. “My motivation is probably to be better than my brother,” Ian said. And Evan is all for it. “If he broke my time, I would do a backflip,” Evan said.

Passing down tradition Committed On his official visit to the Univeristy of Pennsylvania, Andrew (middle) brought both Tate (left) and Luke (right) to show how college recruiting works for basketball. The visit was a good experience for Luke, and it helped Tate during his recruitment process, who committed to Northfield Mount Hermon Nov. 6.

WHETHER THEY’RE PLAYING two versus one in the backyard, making tough shots in a game of horse or out-dueling each other in a match of videogame NBA 2K, basketball has always been a part of the Laczkowski brothers’ lives. With all three brothers having experience on the varsity team, basketball is a sport that not only brings them closer together, but also helps them grow as individuals. As the eldest of three, Andrew ‘20 knew he needed to be a role model for his younger siblings. As a senior captain on the varsity team, Andrew got his opportunity when Tate joined the team sophomore year. “With Tate, I’ve played so much with him in the backyard before,” Andrew said, “so having a chance to lead him my last year and his first year on varsity was a big honor. It was also

a big job because I wanted him to have the best experience and for us to go out on top which we were able to accomplish.” This year as a senior, Tate was able to be a role model for Luke during his freshman year. “I learned a lot from Andrew,” Tate said. “I learned how to be a good example and to lead the team in a positive way. I saw that opportunity with Luke this year and tried to lead him to success.” Being the only Laczkowski on campus next year, Luke is looking forward to leaving his own legacy at 10600 Preston Road. “I always want to try and beat my brothers in any competition, but they have accomplished so many great things here,” Luke said. “My goal is to become a leader and a very

trustworthy guy my next few years on varsity. My brothers are honestly really awesome people, so I also want to become the best person I can be. Not only has playing basketball brought the Laczkowski brothers together, but being Marksmen has also strengthened their brotherhood. “St. Mark’s meant so much to me,” Andrew said. “My first week there, I knew it was the place for me, but I also wanted Tate and Luke to come. I can’t speak highly enough of the time I had there and the time my brothers are having there. I love every day seeing them grow in this environment because St. Mark’s means so much to our family.”

STORY Ian Dalrymple, Dillon Wyatt PHOTO Courtesy Tate Laczkowski

WORDS OF WISDOM

to Abby:

With years of experience, Evan gives his advice to his siblings on how to succeed.

When Abby started out doing crew, she had the same issues that I did. None of her friends did it, and they thought it was weird. Abby, you’ve already gotten so far doing what you like, not what your friends think. If you can focus on being independent, you’re going to go places that you don’t even know exist.

to Ian:

to Avery:

Ian is going to be so good at this. He has such a good heart. Between how good-natured he is and how fast he’s going to be, I think he’s going to be a leader, and I can’t wait to see him fulfill that role. Ian, if you search hard enough on the team, and you focus on those aspects of yourself, you’re going to go further than I ever have.

Avery has the potential, but she needs to get over any fear of ‘my three siblings have shown promise, what if I’m the outlier,’ and just throw herself into it. At the end of the day, everything in life may require you to throw yourself into a situation that’s really unfamiliar and may be scary. Avery, I’m telling you, you don’t know what you can do until you try it.

Family Matters

Parentification: making sacrifices

Former Student Council President Taylor Hopkin ‘20, the oldest of his five siblings, stepped up to support them WHEN THEY NEEDED HIM MOST.

rowing up in a divorced household, Taylor Hopkin ‘20 felt he needed to step up. He needed to step up for his family, for his parents and — most importantly — for his four younger siblings. Spending most of their time at their mom’s place, Hopkin, his younger brother and three younger sisters often lacked a father figure to look toward. But, as the oldest of five, Hopkin

Got your back Taylor Hopkin ‘20 props up his little brother, eighth-grader Spencer Hopkin, after beating Greenhill football in 2017.

filled that hole instinctively –– and flawlessly. From doing chores around the house to helping his siblings study to being a shoulder to cry on, Hopkin quickly became a parental figure for his brother and sisters. “If you’re the oldest guy in the house, there are some responsibilities that kind of just fall on you,” Hopkin said. “I didn’t feel like anyone was forcing me to do it. The nature of myself and the nature of the situation was just, ‘This is what is supposed to be done.’” As the oldest brother, Hopkin paved the path for his younger siblings. “I think most older siblings would say they feel like they’re the guinea pig child, especially if they are part of a big family,” Hopkin said. “I just did things first. I was either the example of how to do it well or the example of how to not do it well.” BUT WHEN his parents got divorced in 2014, he felt he needed to be there for his brother and sisters as a source of comfort and a person to talk to. “Divorce is a hard situation because sometimes you feel a lack of love because your parents are no longer together,” Hopkin said. “As a kid, you don’t know the reason why, or you don’t know the full reason why. I like to think that I helped my siblings get through hard times emotionally, whether it be with friends or with our parents.” For Hopkin, love came first in the recipe for holding his family together. “I think the biggest thing I tried to instill in my siblings was love,” Hopkin said. “Regardless of divorce, I think there’s always a place for families to love each other –– whether that be talking to my siblings and giving them advice or just being an

example of trying to be loving and hoping that it rubs off on them.” Doing everything he could for his younger siblings, Hopkin was forced to make sacrifices along the way. “I had to sacrifice some of my time to help take care of them,” Hopkin said. “And sometimes, it’s kind of hard taking on other people’s responsibilities and needs, especially when you have your own to worry about. Being empathetic in its own right is a bit of a sacrifice.” While Hopkin spent a lot of time helping his younger siblings with school and teaching them life skills, today, he realizes how much he has learned from them. “I think everything that I was trying to teach them, they were also teaching me: love, kindness, appreciation, gratitude,” Hopkin said. “I haven’t gotten to this point in my life yet, but by being the older sibling and by stepping into kind of a parental role, I think –– or I hope –– I also learned how to be a good father when that time comes.” Though part of Hopkin wishes his parents were still together, divorce has become the new normal for his family and a circumstance he and his siblings have been able to cope with. “Having two parents logistically makes it a little easier, whether it’s getting to practice or if one parent goes out, the other parent watches the kids,” Hopkin said. “But I think for most people with divorced parents, it just becomes normal. Like when I go to a friend’s house, and I see both their parents together, it’s almost a little weird. I wouldn’t say I missed out on anything. I just think that my normal is different from what other people’s normal is.” STORY Peter Orsak, Nikhil Dattatreya PHOTOS Courtesy Taylor Hopkin

Parentification: making sacrifices

Five strong Hopkin and his four younger siblings (top) embrace at midfield during senior night.

By the NUMBERS

Parentification

1.4 million number of US children ages 8-18 who take on a parental role

SOURCES: THE HERITAGE FOUNDATION, FATHERLY

1 million number of US children who suffer the divorce of their parents each year

Shoreside Hopkin and two of his younger siblings (above) relax on the beach. Family first The Hopkin siblings (left) gather around their mother, Mary Coons.

Family Matters

Home is where the field is

t’s the people Marksmen spend all their time with. The people Marksmen eat the most meals with. The people Marksmen bleed with, smile with, cry with. Does that sound like family? Technically, it’s not — it’s Lions athletics. Senior football captain and quarterback Alex Nadilini, however, feels the bonds made through these sports teams are — in actuality — those of brotherhood. “In the month of August I probably spent more time with the football team than I did my actual family,” Nadalini said. “The whole day — from 7 a.m. until 2 p.m. — we practice, we go get food and we hang out with each other. Then, maybe I’ll come home for a little bit and see my family, but soon I’m going

At the end of the day, I would say that we are pretty much brothers.

When Marksmen step onto the field of play, they step on as one. How much of A FAMILY are they? back out and hanging out with them [the football team] at night, and then I’d go back home to sleep — the next morning would be rinse and repeat.” So could you call sports teams a family? Nadilini, for one, would. “The football team is my family and the relationships, trust and love that I have for all my teammates make them my brothers,” Nadilini said. Associate Athletic Director Josh Friesen believes these relationships are what makes sports special. The sweat, the soreness, the hours spent in the gym together — each aspect of being a teammate culminates in a deeper connection than many students can have. “Sports puts guys with a common interest together to work toward a common goal, not individual goals,” Friesen said, “as opposed to other areas,

like in the classroom, where everybody, for the most part, is working to do their best individually. When there’s a lot of emotions involved with wins and losses, and when people go through these common experiences, it bonds you together.” Bonds that — however quickly created — may outlast the seasons Marksmen spend on the playing field together and even their time at the school. “Playing sports and being on the same team with somebody entails being around them for two hours in practice every day, going on bus rides with them and spending nights on the road with them,” Friesen said. “Sometimes teams will hang out at one another’s houses before a game, so you end up being around those people more. It wouldn’t surprise me if many of these relationships

Stronger together Marksmen, clad in the classic gold and blue, pursue deeper connections with one another on the field.

Home is where the field is

Brothers-in-arms (Left to right) Senior Sahil Dodda, sophomore Lucas Blumenthal, senior Ian Mize and senior Alex Nadilini link together on the field, where each has spent hours with their teammates — with their brothers. Spring, winter and fall athletes each recognize the special bonds that come from sports. go well beyond high school.” And it’s through these connections that Marksmen find success on the field. For example, the varsity soccer team finished undefeated in SPC by the time the tournament rolled around — with no goals conceded. Senior captain Lars Ochs chalks it up to the seemingly psychic connections formed with his teammates. “I would say our chemistry was a big part of our ability to win,” Ochs said. “And the fact that, whenever [senior captain] Noah Soliz and I play together, we were always so confident, because we’ve played together for years here, and we’re best friends. I think the bonding really did help with most aspects. You’ve been through all this stuff together, you know who’s going to run for what ball, or who’s supposed to be where and all the different things that happen.” That’s why — going into the winter soccer season — Ochs and Soliz made it a priority to extend this connection to others, not just themselves. “I felt like everyone should have been included,” Ochs said. “As a captain, you are supposed to look out for everyone, and I feel that in years past it has been a little secluded, even though sometimes I was friends with some of the seniors or older guys. But especially this year, since we had such a younger group of guys and most of our starters were freshmen and

sophomores — which never happens — we tried to make everyone as close to each other as we could. Because, in the end, it’s not just 11 seniors and a bunch of other guys — it’s a couple seniors, a couple juniors, a couple sophomores and a couple freshmen all as a family.” However, this family doesn’t only include student-athletes, according to Ochs. Coaches, such as head varsity soccer coach Cory Martin, can be seen as role models for young athletes. “I have played soccer for something like 12, 13 or 14 years — basically my whole life,” Ochs said. “I have had a bunch of different coaches that have been really harsh — some of the toughest guys ever. I have never been more scared of anybody than [Martin], but, at the end of the day, we know he cares about us. He actually cries whenever he talks about the seniors at the end-of-year senior banquet. I even call him Cory. I don’t call him Mr. Martin or Coach Martin. I think that just demonstrates our team spirit.” So, just like Nadilini, Ochs looks at his comrades on the field as family. “There are a lot of guys on the team that I can come up to at any time, who I can reach out to whenever, who I can go talk to about almost anything,” Ochs said. “I don’t really have that anywhere else. All in all, I would say we are pretty much brothers.”

And, according to Friesen, that’s why sports have such a huge appeal here. “The real reason why everyone is playing sports and why I think athletics are so popular at St. Mark’s is that there’s a ton of life lessons that go into it,” Friesen said. “The winning is great, but it’s not the ultimate goal. The goal is to go out there and play as a team, get better every single day, live for the work and understand how to fail and how to improve from that failure. When you do all those things, winning will take care of itself.” But winning isn’t everything. Instead, Friesen believes, speaking from his time in athletics, it’s the family that you create by the time the clock winds down during the last game of your senior season. “The relationships and the lessons learned through athletics are way more important than a championship,” Friesen said. “I can recall, through my own experience, the bus rides and the hanging out with my teammates way more than I can remember wins and losses. It’s the memories about being with my teammates, my brothers who all wanted each other to do well and cheered for each other that I remember the most." STORY Toby Barrett, Zack Goforth PHOTO Zachary Bashour

LARS OCHS senior, varsity soccer captain

Family Matters

7,000 miles from home Stepping off the plane, fifteen-year-old Ivan Meng was completely alone in a foreign country, with ONE GOAL IN MIND.

ifteen-year-old Meng Zhi Xing came to the United States, seeking a college education. But Meng was riding a seemingly impossible dream — he had no family in this new country, no high school diploma, and a very basic understanding of English. Brought to the U.S. by another established coach, Meng coached table tennis for eight hours a day, every single day, at the local club. That was where he would find his new family.

SENIOR EVAN LAI started table tennis at the age of seven through his after-school center. He quickly came to love the sport for its individuality and its connection to his Chinese heritage, along with its constant motion. “I really liked table tennis because I thought it was a very organic and active sport — you’re always in motion and you’re always thinking,” Lai said. “Even when you’re not playing on the table, you’re still in the moment.”

7,000 miles from home

Poised Leaning into his serve, Meng prepares to launch the ball (above). Receive Now playing for the University of Texas, Meng’s passion for table tennis has taken him farther than he’d ever imagined (right).

Just two years after starting, Lai played at the U.S. Nationals. And just five years later, he took first, playing in Cadet Doubles. He trained at QD Academy under Coach Wang, which was where Lai met a teenager from China — Meng Zhi Xing. “Ever since he was five, Meng had been playing table tennis,” Lai said. “He ended up moving to Beijing, where he lived with the national team. They would train for six to eight hours every day, and as a result his education was pretty terrible — the athletic school didn’t care about teaching. He ended up ranked second in his age division in China, which was a huge accomplishment.” Between his subpar education in China and his lofty goals, Meng needed a lot of support as a fifteen year old living alone in a foreign country. His passion for table tennis helped him find this support when he met Lai’s mother, Patricia Cao. “Meng told us his goal was to pursue a higher education in the U.S., but when he first got here, he didn’t even know the alphabet,” Cao said. “There was a huge gap between reality and his goals, but he showed his determination. When we went to the National Table Tennis Championship, Coach Meng told us that if he got into an American university, his grandparents would throw a huge celebration for the whole neighborhood — he would be the first from his family to graduate from college.” Inspired by Meng’s story, they

wanted to help. After Lai had trained with Meng for two years, Lai’s family offered Meng the opportunity to stay with them so he could both train Evan and continue with his studies. “We saw the excitement in his eyes, and completely understood his struggles to achieve his goals — he would have to coach for almost eight hours every day, so he had very little time to study,” Cao said. “We talked to him: ‘We know your dreams, and we can help you to achieve them.’” Meng became like an older brother to Lai, an only child who was thrilled to have a newfound sibling. Perhaps even more so than real brothers, Lai and Meng help each other in different aspects of their lives. As a testament to their relationship, Meng even took an English first name — Ivan. “He’s always looking out for me, especially when we’re playing table tennis,” Lai said. “Whenever I get angry or out of hand, he’d always be there to guide me and to teach me how to become more mature.” Cao appreciates both the bond between Lai and Meng and the skills Meng was able to teach Lai, as well as the fact that her family was able to support Meng on his journey to college — Meng is now a sophomore at the University of Texas, studying in the McCombs School of Business. “I really admire Coach Meng’s mentorship — both as a coach and an older brother,” Cao said. “Coach Meng came to the U.S. at a really young age on his own, without much

Living with my coach, the most impactful experience has just been seeing him grow and succeed. help from anyone else. And I think that’s the best part — that we all formed this bond with each other, and that we were able to help him get to where he is now.” Lai admires Meng deeply for his courageous journey to the United States and his will to succeed, and is extremely proud of him for being the first in his family to go to college. “Living with my coach, the most impactful experience has just been seeing him grow and succeed,” Lai said. “I don’t think I would be able to do what he did. That’s pretty amazing — seeing what hard work and determination can do.” Lai continues to play table tennis and is planning to play in the U.S. Nationals this summer — no doubt with Meng by his side. “We’re going to start grinding for this year’s U.S. Nationals,” Lai said. “I haven’t been practicing a lot because he’s been at college, but we’re both looking to pop off. And if I do end up going to UT, we’ll both be on the UT team, and hopefully we’ll be able to bring back some championships.” STORY Jonathan Yin, Ben Adams PHOTO Courtesy Evan Lai

Family Matters

Filling in the missing piece After going down the long-winded path of INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION, Julie and Jeff Carbery have since incorporated their Chinese daughter's culture into their own.

n the front of a gray onestory house, a square window stationed in the living room offers a look into the family that lives inside. It’s just a typical afternoon. A father types on a computer on his lap, a mother writes in a journal on top of a desk and a dog prances around the living room without a care. All the while, a daughter completes her homework

in her room, prepping for a big test the following week. But as the sun begins to set, the whole family comes together and prepares for the daily respite from their busy worlds: dinner. Gathering ingredients and looking up a recipe online, the daughter starts to make kimchi fried rice while the parents sit on the couch to watch sports together. The Carberys are just like any

other family. They talk, laugh, eat together; they do everything any other family would do. There is only one difference. The daughter, Carly Carbery, is a transracial adoptee. It’s easy to mistake Carly’s parents for someone else, but it’s even easier to see that they have everything they need in a family.

We would have been empty-nesters since 2015, and that's just depressing, isn't it?

By the NUMBERS

U.S. Adoption Statistics 2018 TOTAL ADOPTIONS

4049

COUNTRIES WITH MOST U.S. OUTGOING ADOPTIONS 1. China (1475) 2. India (302) 3. Ukraine (248) 4. Colombia (229) 5. South Korea (206) SOURCE: U.S. Department of State - Bureau of Consular Affairs

IN 2003, AS THEIR TWO CHILDREN grew closer and closer to adulthood, Julie and Jeff Carbery had a feeling this wasn’t the end. They didn’t want it to be over. There was a missing piece in their family. “We’re older than many other parents,” Julie said. “But at the time, we were still too young to have kids gone and out of the house. We would have been empty-nesters since 2015, and that's just depressing, isn't it?” After much consideration, the couple chose to fill that missing piece through adoption. But it wasn’t an easy decision. As a developmental psychologist, Julie was always around adopted kids, constantly learning about their struggles through different circumstances. “I was already working with a lot of families that had adopted babies of their own and doing developmental evaluations on them,” Julie said. “I saw from a professional perspective what these families were going

through with babies from different countries. That helped me figure it all out and see what would be the best for our family.” As an adoptee himself, Jeff knew what it was like to be given a chance at a stable childhood. “I grew up in North Central Ohio, in the cornfields in a town of 30,000,” Jeff said. “I went to a Catholic school with 60 people in my class, 200 in the school. My upbringing was very quiet, very safe.” It was clear to the Carberys that they needed another child in their life, and adoption seemed like the logical choice. But the question of where the baby would come from was still to be answered. Ultimately, one of the people who influenced their decision happened to be Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman. “He and his wife had kids, but they also adopted three Chinese kids,” Jeff said. “They made it kind of their mission to promote adoption. We saw him perform several times,

and during the concert intermission, there was basically an infomercial for adoption, even at huge arenas. So, we see his family as very inspiring. We felt that adoption was something we needed to do, and he was kind of the catalyst for that.” They had finally found out how to fill the missing piece in their family. With their minds set on adoption, the Carberys got to work on making it happen. “It started with research when we decided we wanted to move forward in adopting a baby,” Julie said. “We first had to think if this was truly what we wanted to do. And after the question was answered, we looked at the different countries that were open to international adoption, such as Russia, Guatemala, China and Vietnam.” The family followed in the footsteps of Chapman and decided on adopting a baby from China. But how they would go about doing that was just another complicated process.

Filling in the missing piece

Family time In addition to bonding with her parents, Carly has developed a relationship with her older siblings ever since her early years in the U.S.

At that moment, I was gone emotionally. I would have crossed rivers, I would have done anything to connect to my baby. CARLY LIN CARBERY, who was given away at birth, lived for 17 months with a foster mother before she could begin her new life. Though just a toddler, Carly learned to take care of herself at the foster care facility, not knowing what the future had in store for her. The entire process, from proving their qualifications to completing all the paperwork, lasted over a year. And, according to Jeff, this duration was on the better side of what was to come. “About the time we turned in our paperwork,” Jeff said, “the Chinese government decided that adoption in their country was getting a little out of control. They changed the standards of how old the parents could be, and they even looked into the parents’ medical history for obesity and other diseases. If we had applied just 90 days later, it would’ve taken two years to complete the

process. We just barely made it.” But according to Julie, she knew it was all worth it when she first laid eyes on Carly. “One day in the summer, when I was working in my home office in Atlanta,” Julie said, “they sent me a picture of this little girl in a snowsuit. At that moment, I was gone emotionally. I would have crossed rivers; I would have done anything to connect to my baby. I was kind of a wreck because I couldn't wait to meet her and get her.” The Carberys knew they would need all hands on deck to go through with the adoption, so it helped that Julie and Jeff’s daughter, Catherine, was incredibly proactive and excited. “I had to tell my parents that we were going to adopt a baby,” Julie said. “You know, that's kind of hard to tell someone. So my daughter, who's really bossy and independent, came up with this PowerPoint presentation

to show her grandparents.” Even though she came from an entirely different background, it didn’t take long for Carly to recognize the loving nature of her new siblings. “It's like my sister was another mom,” Carly said. “She was just very excited not to be the youngest. It was great because they were so much older, so we didn't fight as much. I was just kind of there tagging along with whatever they did. It was always pretty peaceful.” Carly’s siblings still continue to play an instrumental role in her life. “The kids were the ones who were pushing for it from the beginning,” Julie said, “and you can kind of see that it’s still true today. If Carly needs something or wants something, her siblings are always there for her. They're all still really involved with her.” STORY CONTINUES, NEXT PAGE

The first sight When Julie and Jeff were finally matched with Carly, they were sent the above photo of her in a snowsuit.

Family Matters CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

Part of loving yourself is loving the culture that you're in and being able to see it. OF COURSE, BECAUSE JEFF and Julie didn’t come from the same background, trying to raise a child like Carly was a new challenge for the couple. However, they converted this challenge into a pathway through which Carly could explore where she came from. “Before we left the country to finalize the adoption process,” Julie said, “a government official asked me, ‘Are you going to do the best you can do so she doesn't lose her Chinese culture?’ I assured him that we were going to give her educational and cultural opportunities.”

The language is such a big part of who I am as Chinese; I feel like I should know it. And that’s exactly what they’ve done. Even though they live in Dallas, the family would go to public events as far as the Richardson community center for dragon boat races and Lunar New Year celebrations to gain an appreciation for Chinese culture. “I didn't want Carly to be like some of the adoptees that I see in my work who are just raised on the outside with no concept of Chinese culture, language, food,” Julie said. “I

Sixteen years later Carly, who was adopted in 2005, still keeps up with her siblings, who live on their own in Dallas. Their whole family often gets together for dinner.

wanted her to appreciate a culture of love. Part of loving yourself is loving the culture that you're in and being able to see it.” The family even went as far as to create the group Park City’s Asian American Families (PCAAF) to encourage Asian families to mingle with each other. “I did have Asian friends when we lived in Highland Park, but nothing was bringing these people together,” Julie said. “So my Korean friend and I started this organization for anybody who wanted to join. There weren't that many when we started it, but by the time we moved away from Highland Park, there were a lot of Asian families in the community who were part of it. We started it so that Carly could be around other Asian families.” Although the family hasn’t taken a trip back to China yet, they plan to visit where Carly comes from and other countries around the area. For this reason, Carly studied Chinese over the summer to prepare for a potential vacation. “I definitely want to be fluent in Mandarin,” Carly said. “Both to converse with people when I go back and visit China and also just to know it for my identity. The language is such a big part of who I am as a Chinese person; I feel like I should

know it. It would just feel weird not being able to speak it.” Besides learning Mandarin, Carly’s hobbies are as diverse as she is. From cooking and origami, to Asian media like anime and K-pop, Carly continues to involve herself in multicultural activities, a fact she and her family are proud of. “We live in a multicultural community,” Julie said, “and I think knowledge and acceptance and personal investment in other people from other cultures is the smartest thing that you can do for yourself, for the world, for your family.” AS THE FAMILY LEAVES THE dinner table, adding their plates to the sink, still chuckling from a previous joke, Carly decides to play music from the speaker in the kitchen before beginning to wash the dishes. With the soft instrumental playing in the background, the family moves from the kitchen to the living room. From that same square window at the front of the house, they might physically look different, but they’re family all the same. Carly was the missing piece of the Carbery family, because no matter where she's from, she completes them. STORY Morgan Chow, Arjun Khatti PHOTO Courtesy Carly Carbery

Filling in the missing piece

A step-by-step look at how the Carberys navigated adoption GRAPHIC Morgan Chow All quotes from Julie and Jeff Carbery

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Doing the research

“Domestic adoptions are very messy, and it’s hard to bring closure to things with the biological parents. But, China was upfront and clean, and there was a need for adoption with the one-child policy.”

Finding an agency

“We found an agency in Austin called Great Wall China Adoption. It was run by a Chinese woman, and she had a lot of relationships and connections over there. If we had ever run into an issue, she was helpful to have.”

Starting paperwork

“We had to hire a lady just to help with the paperwork. Her job was literally helping families put together these five-inch package of papers It was exhausting. We needed original documents for everything — no copies.”

Passing qualifications

“There were interviews, background checks, fingerprint documentation and just a ton of other stuff. Then, the Chinese government started making it tougher by changing the standards on how old the parents can be and looking at health standards.”

Entering a matching room

“Up to this point it took about 12 months. Every month, they would announce the families that were up, so you’d see a list of 23 children babies and the provinces they’re from. So each month you we got closer and closer to being matched.”

Getting their match

“Finally, we get the email saying, ‘You’ve been placed this month.’ Then we got a picture of Carly in a snow suit. That’s just how the magic of the matching room works. About 60 days after getting that email, we were on a plane going to China.”

Flying out to China

“The whole family, all four of us, was in China for 17 days. We did some touring and learned the history of the country before flying to Carly’s birthplace, Nanchang, Jiangxi. There were about eight families that were traveling within our group to get their babies.”

Meeting Carly

“The toddlers had these little squeaky shoes when they walked. You could hear where they were just from those shoes. But it was really cool seeing the other families with their daughters as well. We’re still in touch with some of them. It was very emotional.”

Returning home

“It took a couple weeks because we had to get both a Chinese passport and a U.S. passport down at the consulate in Guangzho. There’s just a lot of paperwork involved, and that’s why you need a good agency. After that, we just headed home.”