GODPHONE
collected writings
even if one day i stop being angry even if one day i stop being a girl i’m always going to have the experience of being an angry queer teen girl eating peanut m&ms and creating for other angry queer teen girls
Content warning for discussion of eating disorders, sexual assault, and vomiting.
. PART 1 . .
I WILL SHARE EVERYTHING AND YOU WILL LOVE ME AND PAY ME FOR IT
WHERE WILL YOU BE
AT THE END OF DAYS
you are a collection of bad bodily experiences perched on porcelain your vision exploding nebulously the single crooked tile in front of you as the edges go white consciousness of your arms is fading and your stomach is empty the tremors in your legs are beginning to set in as you begin to slip sideways will you hit the ground this time or will you collect yourself and go to bed you are unreal in a way beyond your awareness you are unaware of how unreal you are collection and back to bed take another Benadryl is recovery worth it when you can simply go to sleep instead
motion
the swinging of a pendulum lost weight missing from my body as i move new pounds adding breadth to the stroke growing heavier every moment back and forth the rocking of something desperate faster i promise it’s necessary if i can feel the motion in my bones scratch the itch in my joints let me finally rest
i want to take everything i once found so holy and vital and crush it beneath my fingers turn it to dust and like jehova spit upon it take up the mud and breathe into it everything unholy and disgusting i have inside me
the rotting hole in the center of the peach sticky-soft and pitless too too sweet from over ripening you carve a hole in your gut and place the carcass of the peach inside you want the rot to spread like the story you heard as a child about a man and his lover who was overcome by sweetness you want the mess that the peach is becoming to fill the empty spaces between your organs fill you up until you are tooth-rottingly nauseatingly cloying
Further reading: Sweetness by B.C. Edwards
I SPENT THE ENTIRE YEAR OF BEING 16 YEARS OLD FEELING PATHETIC AND SMALL AND GROSS I NEVER STOPPED BEING SCARED FOR EVEN A SECOND AND I NEVER STOPPED CRYING I LET PEOPLE PULL ME APART AND PUT ME BACK TOGETHER WHO HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND I DID IT ALL WHILE PUKING MY GUTS INTO YOUR LAP AND APOLOGIZING OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i feel it dripping slipping away out of my heart and into my stomach a full hearty love turned sour
am I going to miss the anger when its all over?
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS RUSTING
i am so full of love for these women ive never met who love me more than i can take i swear like a sailor and wonder if my mother would be my friend if i wasn’t her daughter if she met me on the street would she avoid my eyes and hate my shoes? i am so full of love for my mother and so full of her love for me is guilt inherent to being a mothers daughter?
ME
EVERY WOMAN WHO HAS EVER COMPLIMENTED ME ONLINE AND ALSO MY MOM
i am writing you love letters i have so many lines tucked away your name on my lips as i read them to you i have not met you yet not at this point or maybe i have and i just don’t know it but i cannot put your name to pen to paper not quite yet i don’t expect you to be the first or the last or forever only someone who is someone to me i will write books full of prose dedicated to you your sign in every margin of every page for now i am building my collection and waiting im not a fan of love poems but I think you’ll be worth it
I'M COUNTING DOWN THE MINUTES
IT’S EITHER YOU OR ME
. PART 2 . .
I HAVE SEEN THE GREATEST MINDS OF MY GENERATION JUULING AND BINGEING AND PURGING
i think reading Ginsberg makes me smart but really I’m just reading an old man writing about sucking 19 year old dick one the best selling 20th century poets,
who
molded
an
entire
generation of writers, wrote profusely about blowing and being blown and fucking and being fucked and china
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?
and sidewalks and boys in red swimsuits and jewish funeral hymns if i meet him after death i want to ask why the fuck do you spell it “gyzym”?
SPEAKING OF GINSBERG WHO DO YOU THINK PLAYED HIM BETTER DANIEL RADCLIFF IN KILL YOUR DARLINGS OR JAMES FRANCO IN HOWL IVE NEVER SEEN HOWL BECAUSE FRANCOS FACE MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT
JAMES FRANCO KING OF QUEER STRAIGHT BOYS NAIL POLISH AND ONE DANGLY EARRING MILK, HOWL, BROKEN TOWER, LEATHER BAR, KING COBRA, SAL BASTARDIZED FILMOGRAPHY
ARE YOU
DEDICATED TO BEING THE FAGGIEST MOST LIMP WRISTED FILMBRO FORGET THE ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS
COUNTING ?
SOFTBOIS DON’T RAPE IT DOESN’T MATTER IF HE’S STRAIGHT HIS ART IS GAY ISN’T THAT ALL THAT MATTERS HIS ART WHY HIRE QUEER ACTORS WHEN YOU HAVE SETH ROGANS BFF FROM SPRINGBREAKERS I MEAN HE’S FROM C A L I F O R N I A OF COURSE HES QUEER
"maybe I'm just gay." In a March 2015 interview with Four Two Nine magazine, Franco again opened up about his sexuality, commenting that it is not whom you have sex with that defines your sexuality, but instead how you act. "In the twenties and thirties, they used to define homosexuality by how you acted and not by whom you slept with. Sailors would fuck guys all the time, but as long as they behaved in masculine ways, they weren't considered gay." He added, "Well, I like to think that I'm gay in my
art
and
straight
in
my
life."
I don’t deal wit h the same lev el of anxiety I used to but there ar e still days where I g o about my bus iness convinced I am g oing to die
I’LL
CHANGE
MY
NAME
TO
SLAUGHTERHOUSE AND LEARN HOW TO BE ANGRY WITHOUT COMPROMISE
PERSONALS AD PASSIONLESS TALENTLESS DYKE BARELY EVEN A REAL PERSON NO PERSONALITY NO CHARACTERISTICS SEEKING SOMEONE TO RIDE OUT THE APOCALYPSE WITH TURN ONS: NONE TURN OFFS: WHATEVER YOU SAY THEY ARE
CAN BE CONTACTED AT INSTAGRAM: @SNOTCIETY