"There were times during Covid I didn't think I could cope"

Care Home Manager Helena Maher, shares her heartbreakingly personal reflection on her toughest year.

In March 2020, as the case numbers were going up in this country, we didn’t really know what to do.

We were trying to secure PPE, and information for care homes from the Department of Health was sketchy.

Testing wasn’t available in March and April. If staff at The Royal Star & Garter Surbiton Home - where I work as Care Home Manager - had symptoms, they self-isolated.

The first confirmed case was a resident who had recent hospital treatment. I was frustrated. We’d kept the virus away from residents. Now I was anxious about how we would prevent it spreading.

Staff were scared, and I understood why - I was too. They didn’t want to come into work, potentially contract the virus and take it home with them.

By April and May the virus was moving through the home. Once it got into a hallway, it started to spread. I’m an experienced nurse, and I really struggled to work out what I could do to prevent it. We ramped up training on PPE and handwashing and instigated regular deep cleans. We moved residents who weren’t showing symptoms to other rooms, and managed to contain the virus.

It felt like months when we just couldn't get on top of it. Everybody was coming to me for advice, but I'm not a Covid specialist!

I had a lot of sleepless nights. There were times when I felt I couldn’t cope. I remember saying to my husband: “This is too big for me, I can’t do it, I don’t know what I’m dealing with.”

I was working on the floor because we had 20-30 staff off during this period, as well as trying to run a home, and be positive.

With every death, I thought: “What have I missed? What have I done wrong? What could I have done differently?” I felt really responsible and was exhausted.

It was awful when the residents were confined to their rooms for nearly 10 weeks. The atmosphere was flat and we were trying everything to raise their spirits.

What I need to remember is nine of the residents who tested positive made a full recovery. It’s phenomenal when you think of their ages. It must’ve been so frightening.

One of the hardest things for me was watching residents die without their loved ones. We had staff by their side, they didn't die alone, but I felt for their children.

I’d hate not to be with my mum. Then when we were able to let people come in at the end-of-life, in full PPE, it’s possible the residents didn’t even know who was sitting with them. That was horrible.

We weren’t able to give them their ‘leaving ceremony’ - where staff and residents clap as the resident leaves the home for the final time in a coffin - and it felt like they’d been robbed of that final respect.

We haven’t had a resident test positive since last May, but every time a staff member tested positive I’d worry: “Is it back?” I didn’t feel like we’d turned a corner until the residents had their first vaccine this January. That’s when I started to think there was light at the end of the tunnel.

We’re in a better place now, with the vaccine and regular testing. I’m immensely proud of my staff. The whole home pulled together during this time: physios were working as care staff, receptionists were working as housekeepers, we all mucked in, doing whatever was needed. In my career, I’ve worked in ITU, A&E and paediatrics.

When I was a student nurse, I remember supporting as the Hillsborough disaster unfolded.

I’ve had stressful times, but I don't think I've ever been as stressed as I was last spring.

In a hospital, you walk away and go back to a new day, but with Covid it was the same day over and over.

Professionally, it’s absolutely the toughest thing I’ve had to deal with.