TRUE SELF ESTEEM

Ilearn, grow and receive guidance and correction from just about every interaction I have with other beings. It is possible to get to a state of awareness that this constantly occurs. It is not a destination. It is a journey that continues to improve and reinforce daily. In this article, I will outline some of the greatest hurdles I had to jump to get to a state of mind where this began.

The process that brought me to this state of awareness is not necessarily going to be the same for others. However, the lessons learned along the way might be similar. I will share my course in learning these lessons. If you find yours, you can experience peace and joy that knows no limits.

The first thing I had to establish was a basic understanding of human nature. Several things gradually grew me in this regard. I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnage when I was 16. The title of this book does not reflect its true value. I would name it “Understanding Basic Human Nature.” Once you have this “understanding” it is up to you what you do with it. Certainly, there are immoral, unscrupulous people that have used the principles in that book to manipulate others to suit their own selfish desires. I think the lessons in the book are more powerful when applied with genuine concern and compassion for others. The most valuable lesson I gleaned from its pages was not becoming offended by the actions and attitudes of other people. Understanding it, did not mean I had to accept it. It helped me understand why others reject truth. It also helped me understand myself in this. With this basic understanding of human nature internalized, the stage was set for my next lesson. In my mid 20’s, I read the serenity prayer “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” (Reinhold Niebuhr) During this time, I also began to study the Christian Bible. I still glean wisdom and inspiration from its pages. The “Sermon on the Mount” and the “Proverbs” gave me the keys to internalize and apply the serenity prayer. Now I was ready for the next step. I had to learn to love myself unconditionally. It is called self-esteem or self-respect. There is no quick way to describe this process. Many comprehensive works have been dedicated to this subject. I will explain, as briefly as possible, my path to this in the hope that others may find clarity. Some things I thought, and did, were indicators I was not actually functioning with a healthy respect and esteem for myself. Hopefully, some will wake up, as I did, and accompany me on this path of enlightenment.

My lacking in these areas of esteem manifested in drug and alcohol abuse. I also abused and neglected my body through junk food and lack of exercise.

These were my manifestations. Yours may be quite different. Perhaps you are healthy and strong and do not use alcohol or drugs. Your manifestations are there if you honestly look for them, you will find them, unless, of course, you already have established and function with a core of “true self esteem.”

It is necessary to make a distinction here. I did not have a low self-esteem. I had a false sense of esteem. This false sense was fueled by external factors; for example, relationships with others of “low selfesteem.” My encouragement and support of them gave me a false sense of worth. As I saw them improve, it made me feel better. Another way I fueled this false sense of worth was serving the needs of the less fortunate. I did so through food drives and participation in homelessness outreach programs, etc. When I did these things, it made me feel worthwhile. It finally hit me. Last year, when my dying mother told me that in order for me to stop abusing food, drugs and alcohol, I needed to constantly feed my “need to be needed.” I realized my sense of worth was wrapped up in serving others. This caused me to sacrifice my peace, health and at times sanity to fill this “need to be needed.”

Gradually, in the months following mom’s death, I began developing true self esteem. This is not a destination. It is a journey. It strengthens and clarifies with each passing day. I will share some thoughts regarding the things I used to do to build my false sense of esteem. One’s thoughts, actions and activities can be indicators of a true self esteem or feeding a false one. To do so, you must resist the natural tendency to justify your thoughts and actions. Finding mentors that love you enough to show you is an essential key. Then, having enough respect, for you, not to shrink and run from them, is another crucial key. Finding people like this takes a considerable effort. Most people are afraid to say things that might hurt your feelings. You will know when you meet the ones that are not afraid. They will say things that bother you. When this happens to you, step back, and logically look at what they said that upset you. Is there validity to what they are saying? This takes courage. Understand, it takes courage not to justify your actions and lie to yourself. Also, be careful there are plenty of nasty people out there that do not care about you and the things they say will not be valid.

When you help someone, and they are unappreciative, does it affect you in a negative fashion? Perhaps you feel hurt, abused, taken advantage of or indigent, etc. If this is the case, then you were helping others to boost your false sense of worth! Do you receive praise and admiration for your deeds and encouragement of others? Does it raise your mood and excite you when it happens? Were you feeling lousy before being praised? Again, you were feeding a false sense of worth! Can you love and help others and experience deep down that regardless of rejection or praise that you helped to help, not to build your esteem? Can you accept their dismissal if they do not get it and still love them? When that happens, you will see you are doing for the sake of love and kindness toward others. Nothing external can take that away from you. That is “true self esteem.” Please understand this is an ongoing process. You will not just wake up one day and no longer be subject to the actions of others. The injustice, ungratefulness, or approval and worship, will still cause intense feelings, especially when it is directed toward you. Below is something that will clarify what I am trying to convey. It was found written on the wall in Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta.

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” is rooted in a true self-esteem and tempered with humility and unconditional love toward all. You will produce a tremendously positive energy. Yes, my hippie friends, you will give off “good vibes.” Since there is no longer energy being wasted on your part and drawn from others, feeding your false sense of esteem, a couple of things will start happening. Others around you will intuitively manifest with insight, instruction, help, love, inspiration and advice that is tailored specifically for your growth. The negative manifestation of your “Good Vibes” will introduce you to someone called “Energy Vampires.” more on “Energy Vampires” in a moment. You have experienced both of these aspects already during your life at various times. As you begin to operate most of the time in the moment with true self esteem internalized, you will see both the manifestations mentioned above with increasing intensity! Each needs to be tempered with humility and assertiveness, respectively.

On the one hand, the respect and praise you will receive from others can intoxicate and corrupt you unless it is tempered with humility. Many church leaders fall into this pit! Here is my way of thinking of it. (I am no better than anyone, yet I am not worse either, I just am.) On the other hand, the grief and degradation that you receive from negative souls can stress and depress you to the point of becoming physically ill. It can manifest through unhealthy frustration and anger. (I use the word unhealthy here because there is such a thing as righteous indignation. Christ was an excellent example in this principle. He called the Pharisees “snakes” and “vipers” and he threw the merchants out of the temple courtyard! He even got physical and turned over their tables.) Regarding the “negative souls,” I suggest you research “Energy Vampires” and prepare yourself to deal with them effectively. Building assertiveness is a gradual process. Be careful that you do not over do it! I like to say it this way. Loving unconditionally does not mean you have to put up with abuse.

Loving unconditionally also means you should learn to utilize “tough love.” It is not easy to do and say things that you know will hurt others. Just remember, it is still love. I suggest you spend some time internalizing this concept. Constantly criticizing and correcting others, even if it is constructive, can be unsuitable for the given situation. It is particularly counterproductive when conducted in a group situation. Get them one on one and let them know you love them before calling them on their shortcomings. Many of these “Energy Vampires” are unaware of what they are doing. So, love them, do not let them exhaust you and tactfully call them out with love not indignation. They will get it or not. It is no reflection on you. This process works for me anyway. You will have to find your specific calling regarding how you perform in these situations.

Take stock in yourself and be aware if the positive experiences are boosting you into a prideful state. Focus on maintaining true humility through this process. Then, you will continually rise to higher levels of awareness. You can and will learn, be guided, helped, corrected and inspired through most experiences with other beings - both positive and negative.

I have intentionally avoided giving you examples of the situations that I see regarding these “soul to soul” experiences with others. I do this because the sensation will be unique to you. Rationally analyzing your experiences through descriptions of mine could hinder you. Focus on jumping your specific hurdles and rest assured you will see you are on your way when it starts happening.

Author, John Thomas 2009 johncnc@gmail.com