INTIMACY

At our center, each one of us is a spark of life. By growing in our capacity to love, we nourish inspiration. When it comes to relationships, the love we cultivate is our experience.

Loving to Grow

BY ANDREW AARON, LICSW

Why do we enter into relationships? And, why do we need them, with all the drama, challenge, and heartache that comes with coupling? Sometimes, it doesn’t seem worth the trouble. Then, there is the fact that every relationship ends; whether by death, divorce or break-up, at some point, a lover is going to feel hurt—we can pretend the bliss of love comes without feeling the pain. In spite of the adversity found in a relationship, by looking deeper within, we uncover the truth about our continually seeking and connecting with romantic partners.

Our existence is composed of more than our conscious awareness. The dreams we have at night, which operate with an odd symbolic language, make little sense to our daytime minds. Our visions provide a clue that there is more, something underneath, than just what we experience when we

are awake. Varied religions and spiritual traditions give the underlying a variety of names. Beyond chasing away loneliness, our love relationships are in service to the evolution of this deeper part of us; love is the active ingredient.

At our center, each one of us is a spark of life. By growing in our capacity to love, we nourish inspiration. When it comes to relationships, the love we cultivate is our experience.

For most couples, a strong and positive love relationship requires intense effort by both partners. To act lovingly is to be at odds with powerful and sometimes painful feelings due to self-centeredness.

Growth nourishes our inner spark; it always comes with discomfort, by allowing ourselves to be pushed to an extreme; as a result, we look to our most deeply held values rather than what feels good on the surface. Without this work—if a partner refuses to grow by eliminating hurtfulness, weaknesses, and selfishness—the spark will fade, and the essence of the relationship will die.

A partner who refuses to grow will put the relationship at risk because growth is a necessary step for the relationship to remain relevant. When in love, the importance of commitment to a partner is balanced with the importance of being true to him or herself. Without growth, these two vital factors will be in painful conflict.

We see in troubled relationships, the growth of the partnership has gotten stuck. Much like two continental tectonic plates pressing against each other and building stress, it’s only time before a tensionreducing earthquake is triggered.

Arguments can be viewed as attempts to resolve a stubborn obstacle that prevents progress. If unresolved, the painful effects may create a crisis.

Forming a love connection feels as if it is for our satisfaction. From an unconscious perspective, the partner we choose is deliberate, and its purpose is for completing a specific growth-oriented task. Our surface-self usually wishes for a partner with whom to share pleasure, valuing it over the hard work of progress. The growth required of us feels like it goes against our nature. However, it takes effort to grow into a stronger and more loving person that we are destined to become. It is our love relationships that are the right vehicles for delivering growth.