ASK ROSIE

Each issue, The Parenting Coach, Rosie, tackles your parenting questions. There is no subject we won't cover and privacy is guaranteed. Send your questions to eleanor@somethingnewmag.co.uk

QOur three-year-old son always

wants me to do everything for him. If my partner tries to give him a bath or get him dressed, he cries and has a massive tantrum.

Parental preference is hard for both parties. The favoured parent can feel over-whelmed by always being in demand and resentful towards the less favoured parent who seems to have much more freedom. Additionally, the less favoured parent can feel excluded and helpless.

One of the most effective ways to manage this situation is to use humour. Children love silly fun and this can be a brilliant way to lighten the atmosphere. For example, when your son makes a fuss because your partner is going to give him a bath, your partner can say, “Let’s get you in the bath…” Then proceed to put the child fully clothed into the empty bath. Your son will love telling your partner that that’s not what we do when we have a bath. Your partner should then reply, “I need to learn, you can help me”. If you use humour and avoid taking it personally the situation will be easier to manage.

It is also important to stick to what you and your partner have agreed, even if your son makes a fuss. It can seem easier in the short term for you to just give in and take over, but in the long term this can make things harder for everyone. You can also set up a rota so that your son gets used to each of you doing things with him. This can be as simple as taking alternate turns to do the bedtime routine.

QMy children constantly argue and

bicker. They are 7 and 9 years old and it is driving me crazy. I was an only child and really wanted to have two children so they would be friends – this isn’t how I imagined it.

It can be really draining being surrounded by children arguing all the time and let me reassure you, you are certainly not the first parent to think to themselves, “This isn’t how I imagined it!”

What is needed here is a re-frame. Arguing with siblings is actually a healthy part of development and growth. It provides your children with the opportunity to learn how to deal with conflict in the safe environment of your home. As a parent you can support your children by doing the following things:

1. Stand back – it is tempting to jump in as soon as an argument starts but don’t be too quick to intervene (except in the case where there is a danger of either child causing physical harm to the other.)

2. Praise good behaviour regularly e.g. “You’re sharing those crayons really well today.”

3. When there is conflict, coach your children instead of trying to solve their problem. This often involves giving a running commentary on the action (say what you see), e.g. “I think Max was still using that crayon when you took it, I think he feels angry as he wanted to finish his drawing…” “It sounds like Chloe has had enough of that game now, maybe she needs a break…”

4. Have clear, consistent rules and boundaries that you hold firm, e.g. no hitting each other.

5. Foster the idea of ‘The Team’, encourage your children to do things together to achieve rewards.

6. Ensure that each child has regular one to one time with you to minimise feelings of rivalry. This can be as simple as sharing a story or playing a board game.

7. Avoid blaming one sibling and look to repair and restore the relationship quickly (“I’m sorry for…next time I will…I will make it better by…”). This allows the children to move on quickly.

By viewing sibling rows as a positive learning experience you may (at times!) find the conflicts less stressful. It is also important to remember that many adults who argued relentlessly with their siblings when they were younger have gone on to have positive, healthy relationships with each other as adults.