The
Top
Performer’s Guide to
Conflict Essential Skills That Put You On Top Tim Ursiny, Ph.D. Dave Bolz
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Copyright © 2007 by Tim Ursiny and Dave Bolz Cover and internal design © 2007 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover photo © Digital Vision Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.—From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 (630) 961-3900 Fax: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Ursiny, Timothy E. The top performer’s guide to conflict / Tim Ursiny, Dave Bolz. p. cm. Includes index. 1. Conflict management. 2. Interpersonal conflict. I. Bolz, Dave. II. Title. HD42.U785 2007 650.1’3--dc22 2006024102 Printed and bound in the United States of America. POD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
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Contents Dedication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .iv Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .iv Introduction: How to Use This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .v Chapter 1: Why Top Performers Have to Know about Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Chapter 2: Getting to the Real Source of Conflict . . . . . . . . .15 Chapter 3: Recognizing Conflict and Making Wise Choices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29 Chapter 4: Dealing with Difficult Subordinates, Peers, and Managers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45 Chapter 5: Building Strength by Overcoming Adversity . . . .63 Chapter 6: Working Productively with Others . . . . . . . . . . . .75 Chapter 7: Managing, Mentoring, and Coaching Others Through Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .89 Chapter 8: The GROWS Conflict Conversation Method: A Simple Five-Step Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105 Bibliography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117 Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .120 About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .122
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Dedic ation From Tim: To the living members of my family of origin窶認rances Knight (I call her Mom), Kenneth Paul Ursiny, and Jamie Ursiny, who all know the value of loving and caring for others. From Dave: To my wife, Melissa, and children, Elizabeth and Robert, who keep me grounded and remind me of what is truly important every day.
Acknowledgments We want to thank our top-performing publisher, Sourcebooks. Dominique Raccah and the talented team of Sourcebooks guided us well with this book and series, and we give special thanks to Peter Lynch, Tara VanTimmeren, Katie Olsen, Heather Moore, Tony Viardo, and Anne Landa for all of their hard work and giftedness. We thank our families for their patience and support. We could not do what we do without them. Finally, we thank our different clients, colleagues, and friends who have shared their stories, energy, wisdom, and hearts with us through the years. Our work has been blessed by these relationships.
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Introduction How to Use This Book Conflict is a part of life that many of us tend to avoid and fear. Traditional schooling gives us little training to handle conflict, and most of us have poor role models from which to learn. Despite the lack of attention we give it, conflict has the power to destroy self-esteem, relationships, and even corporations. Conversely, it also has the power to generate creativity, better solutions, next-level thinking, and passionate results. Conflict when handled poorly is incredibly destructive. Conflict when handled well turns mediocre businesses into stellar corporations. If you are new to the Top Performer’s series, then we should tell you that these books are based on our work as coaches with CEOs and top executives in the USA and around the world. We have interacted with, challenged, and learned from an incredible group of people who care about being their very best and are not afraid to invest in self-improvement and growth. In this book (and in this series) you can learn from their successes and failures. All stories are true for individual clients we have dealt with (with details and names changed to protect the identity of the client) or are stories that combine several clients to protect their privacy. Each chapter in The Top Performer’s Guide to Conflict follows a simple structure of: • Chapter Overview • Real-Life Conflict
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• What Top Performers Know • Coaching and Application Chapter Overview: Each chapter begins with a summary of the contents of that chapter. Real-Life Conflict: In this section we share true stories taken from our personal experience or the experience of our clients that relate to the information in the chapter. Please note that for the sake of readability we will use “I” for either author (without identifying which one of us is telling the story) when relating one of our personal stories. What Top Performers Know: This section holds the meat of the chapter. We will share hard lessons that top performers have learned in their careers. We will also summarize research and perspectives from authors, authorities, and leaders. Coaching and Application: Each chapter has exercises to deepen your learning. We highly encourage you to do the exercises as you go along. Do not fall into the “I’ll do them on my second reading” trap. The chapter order is also very intentional and will build up to a simple five-step model for discussing conflicts. So we recommend that you read through the book as written in order to have all of the background necessary to get the most out of our GROWS conflict conversation model. Are you a top performer? Read this book and look for that new insight that can help escalate you to the next level. Sink your teeth in and get ready to learn what top performers know about dealing with conflict!
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Chapter 1: Why Top Performers Have to Know About Conflict Chapter Overview Top performers must understand all sides of conflict. They know that negative conflict is costly and that avoiding conflict hurts productivity and impacts the bottom line. They also embrace the fact that they cannot escape conflict. However, the biggest secret that top performers know is that conflict is not always bad. Conflict, when handled well, is a catalyst for top performance. In this chapter we will explore both the potential damages and potential benefits that conflict can have on you and on an organization.
Real-Life Conflict I’m on vacation, so the last thing I want to hear about is conflict. As I sit on the balcony trying to relax, I cannot help but hear the four people on the balcony next to mine. They are coworkers, at the hotel for a trade show, and one of the female coworkers traveling with them has gotten on their nerves. They loudly complain of her selfishness, whining, and general negative demeanor at work and on this trip. They spend ten minutes on one comment she made on the ride to the hotel. They rip this person apart without mercy for a long period of time, crucifying her with vicious, attacking words. Then‌silence. And after the silence, the
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once nasty voices changed to pleasant, caring, and soft voices of joy and friendship. What happened, you might wonder? Well, the coworker about whom they were complaining walked into the room. And the once angry voices now dripped with insincere platitudes and the façade of friendly conversation. My guess? The woman will never hear about her coworker’s anger and disappointment. They complained to everyone in earshot about her behavior except to the one person who had any chance of changing the behavior.
What Top Performers Know How often does this behavior occur in the workplace? When was the last time that someone complained to you about a coworker? Perhaps you are even aware of the last time someone complained about you. Conflict is rampant in the corporate world. Some conflict is loud and some is very quiet and hidden, but each can be damaging. Top performers know this. They know that conflict is a way of life and that it is impossible to escape it. Therefore, they learn how to handle it and they handle it well. There are a few key beliefs held by top performers everywhere concerning conflict. These are: 1. Conflict is inevitable 2. Avoiding conflict contributes to decreased productivity 3. Negative conflict is costly 4. Positive conflict can lead to top performance
1. Conflict is inevitable While handling conflict well is important, we must never have the goal of eliminating conflict. Conflict is as much a part of our lives
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as breathing. Top performers know that conflict will happen. The Worldnet online dictionary has several interesting definitions for conflict. The two definitions that best fit our use of the term are: • a state of opposition between persons or ideas or interests • a disagreement or argument about something important It is impossible to avoid all opposition. In fact, many times we have competing internal wants and perspectives! If we have opposing ideas internally, how can we expect the external world to be any different? People are unique. We each see the world a little differently and that diversity is one of the many pleasures (and occasional pains) of life. We come from different incomes, cultures, family dynamics, training, and personalities, and no two people see and react to the world in exactly the same way. We want different things (i.e., have different interests) and what is important to one person may not be important to another. To expect to eliminate conflict means to eliminate differences, and that will never happen. The key is not to get rid of conflict, but rather to learn how to have incredibly effective and positive conflict. Unfortunately, few people have good models for how to handle conflict in a positive fashion. Think of how many people you know who could say, “My parents were great at having conflict; every fight was handled respectfully and positively, and they worked through and solved their differences.” Probably not very many. Or in the workplace, how many colleagues or bosses have you had that were amazing at conflict? Probably very few (if any). Amazingly, despite the fact that conflict is inevitable, people rarely take the time to truly study and practice effective conflict tactics. Top performers accept
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that conflict comes with the territory, and they take the time and effort to master the art of resolving differences and working through important issues.
2. Avoiding conflict contributes to decreased productivity I entitled my initial book on conflict The Coward’s Guide to Conflict because I saw a major problem in several of the corporations with which I was working. The problem? People were not having conflicts. Now, of course the conflicts were there (remember, conflict is inevitable), but they were not being addressed directly or with the right people. Most people are aware of the great damage caused by overaggressive conflict. However, we also need to realize the incredible destructive potential that exists when we avoid conflicts. When a group, team, or organization refuses to face conflict, you get the following negative impact on individuals and the work community: Negative impact on individuals • Less creativity • Less confidence • Hurt feelings • Poor problem-solving • Feelings of betrayal Negative impact on the work community • Increased backstabbing • Gossip • Decreased communication • Increased numbers of silos (i.e., coworkers or departments focus on their own work and lose sight of the team as a whole)
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• Less cooperation • Poor morale • Wasted time in meetings • Bad business decisions Of course, all of the above collectively have a negative impact on business success and productivity. I have seen managers and even CEOs restructure their businesses not because it was a sound business decision, but because it was a method of addressing conflict without ever having to truly deal with the discord. This rarely resolves the problem and generally backfires on the person and on the business. One crucial factor for addressing conflict is having a method for how to deal with it effectively. For that reason, later in this book, we will present a systematic and structured way to have an effective conflict using the GROWS conflict conversation model—because avoiding an ongoing conflict ensures ultimate destruction, or guarantees that a business, which could have been amazing, will simply be mediocre.
3. Negative conflict is costly Negative conflict causes significant damage in our world. Here are a few statistics about conflict: • Lawsuits take an average of two and a half years to go to trial. • Even if an employer wins a workplace dispute, the average legal cost is $50,000 (not including time and other resources). Of course the cost of losing a dispute can be enormous. • Employers lose wrongful termination cases in 64 percent of the cases, costing them more than $600,000 per dispute.
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• There are more than eight thousand reported hate crimes per year. • Stress from conflict may increase a person’s risk for many health problems, including cardiovascular disease, psychological disorders, and workplace injuries. (Source: Barb North, Barry Simon, and Stephen Kabak on http://eiconline.org/) Daniel Dana, the author of Conflict Resolution: Mediation Tools for Everyday Worklife, claims unmanaged employee conflict is likely “the largest reducible cost in organizations today.” He quotes research that estimates that more than 65 percent of performance problems are the result of conflictual employee relationships rather than individual skill or motivation deficits. He states that various studies suggest that 30 percent to 42 percent of a manager’s time is spent dealing with conflict. Dana has researched several costs to conflict, which we combine below with the work of Cynthia Barnes-Slater and John Ford of MGH Consulting (from an article on Mediate.com) and Stewart Levine, the founder of ResolutionWorks. The cost of conflict includes both productivity costs and direct costs.
Productivity Costs (Lost Time) 1. Time spent addressing conflict. An average manager spends at least 30 percent of his time dealing with conflict. 2. Reduced decision quality. This applies to any decision that is impacted by the conflict. 3. Restructuring. Work is redesigned to accommodate the conflict.
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4. Absenteeism. Stress, which can often be related to conflict, increased 316 percent from 1995 to 1999 as the main reason employees are absent from the workplace. 5. Decreased commitment to the team and team mission. 6. Time spent in litigation. It is estimated that Fortune 500 senior HR executives spend 20 percent of their time in litigation-related activities. 7. Turnover. Turnover figures include severance costs, benefits costs, recruitment and staffing cycle time costs, training and development costs, and lost productivity costs. These costs range between 30 percent and 150 percent of an employee’s annual salary. 8. Grievance filing. For companies with union-represented employees, the grievance process can be time intensive and draining.
Direct Costs 1. Sabotage, theft, or damage. This includes equipment, work processes, and corporate reputations. 2. Health costs. These can include stress-related claims and higher insurance premiums. Health care expenditures are almost 50 percent greater for workers with a high degree of stress. 3. Potential legal fees. This doesn’t even take into account other, less tangible costs such as lost relationships, confidence, and happiness. If an employer honestly calculates these costs, even a single unresolved conflict could have tremendous negative impact on the bottom line. No matter how you slice it, conflict is costly. Top performers know
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that investing time and money into proactive methods for handling conflict pays off in the bottom line.
4. Positive conflict can lead to top performance Up to this point I am making conflict sound like a pretty frightening thing. However, conflict can also be a marvelous and powerful thing. Positively handled conflict can create passionate, creative, next-level business decisions and improve the bond between coworkers, departments, and even managers and subordinates. In an article entitled “Extending the Olive Branch,” Kathryn Tyler states that conflict produces different viewpoints, more options, and the expression of individual talents. She explores the fact that when executives and managers effectively deal with conflict, they create: • Improved strategies • Better choices • Increased productivity In fact, Kathleen Eisenhardt, Jean Kahwajy, and L. J. Bourgeo, the authors of “Taming Interpersonal Conflict in Strategic Choice: How Top Management Teams Argue But Still Get Along,” discovered that teams with the highest levels of conflict were often the highest performing. They also established that executives were crucial in how they set the tone for addressing conflicts. So what are some reasons why top-performing teams would have a significant level of conflict? We could look at this two ways. First, top-performing teams are likely made up of top performers. In our experience, top performers tend to be opinionated (to
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some degree). They have been successful by trusting their instincts and by tackling their jobs with confidence. Put them all together in a room and you are going to get a lot of strong opinions. However, the key element that separates the top performer from an arrogant person is that the top performer focuses on what makes sense for the business. She can drop or compromise a point if there is a logical reason to do so. She shares her opinions with passion and then gets on board with the team with complete passion even if she had to adjust her initial stance. The other reason why top-performing teams may have more conflict is that the conflict itself creates the top performance. Imagine a group of people who have to make a tough business decision. Their competitors are chipping away at their market share so they need to get together and develop some creative and innovative solutions. However, they are all intimidated by one team member who monopolizes the conversation. They all complain about him behind his back, but no one has the courage to face up to him in the meeting. They are also hesitant to share different opinions because they might hurt someone’s feelings in another department. Does this team have any chance of being a top-performing team? Obviously not. Top-performing teams embrace conflict and use it as a tool to tear apart ideas and rebuild them into strategically and tactically wise business decisions and actions. Finally, if we return to the Worldnet definitions of conflict, one additional definition particularly caught our attention. It defined conflict as “opposition in a work of drama or fiction between characters or forces (especially an opposition that motivates the development of the plot).�
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Imagine going to a movie that has no conflict. It is a boring movie (in fact, you would be hard-pressed to find one without conflict). It is exhilarating in a movie when the protagonist overcomes the conflict. We jump on our feet when Russell Crowe wins the fight in Cinderella Man or Elijah Wood wins the battle in the Lord of the Rings trilogy or when Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant resolve their conflict in Notting Hill. Dramas must have conflict to keep our attention. However, imagine if our movies never had resolution. How satisfied would we be leaving the theater? We must have conflict in the work setting to “develop the plot,” to create brilliance rather than the norm, and to grow each other to the next level. However, in order for it to create top performers, we must face it and we have to resolve it. That is what top performers know and that is what they do.
Coaching and Application Estimate the cost of conflict Write down a significant or ongoing conflict that you are either involved in or are trying to manage in the workplace:
Now attempt to estimate the cost if this conflict is not resolved:
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1. Take the salary and benefits of the people involved and break that down into an approximate hourly fee for all involved. Then multiply that figure by the number of total hours wasted per week on the conflict (include all hours of all people involved, including you). Now multiply this number by the estimated number of weeks per year that will be spent addressing this conflict. This figure represents the annualized cost of this conflict in terms of wasted time. Put the final figure here. __________ 2. If the conflict has resulted in or could result in turnover, list the individuals’ annual salaries here. __________ 3. Do your best to estimate the actual and potential costs of reduced decision quality, ineffective restructuring, lowered job motivation, absenteeism, health care costs, and sabotage here. __________ 4. If this conflict moves to the legal arena, what could be the legal fees or damage? Estimate that here. __________ 5. Put a price tag on the lost value in relationships and emotional costs to you and others involved. (Just think, How much money would I and others seriously pay not to feel this way about the situation?) Put that figure here. __________
Now add up all five numbers and put the total here. __________ This is an approximation of the potential cost of not resolving this conflict. Is it worth it to you to try for resolution?
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Determine if you are avoiding any conflicts Answer the following questions to determine if there are unresolved conflicts at your office that you need to face: 1. Who did you talk about negatively this week to other people?
2. Have you addressed the issue openly and honestly with the person?
3. If not, why haven’t you addressed the issue with the person?
4. How can you overcome this block?
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5. What will you do about it?
Remind yourself of the positive role of conflict Think about the last time you resolved an issue with a coworker or boss. Answer the following questions about that conflict: 1. What did you do that made that conflict successful?
2. What was the benefit of having that conflict?
3. What did you learn from it that you can repeat in future conflicts?
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Chapter 2: Getting to the Real Source of Conflict Chapter Overview Knowing the source of your conflict is critical for positive conflict resolution. In this chapter we will investigate various causes of conflict, including personal issues, communication mistakes, and organizational challenges. We will end with coaching exercises to help you determine these causes in your particular situation.
Real-Life Conflict When the executive director called me, he was feeling both frustrated and confused. “She used to be such a top performer—I don’t know what happen to her,” he said. He went on to explain that a member of his team was showing negativity and resistance and that he was at the point of firing her. Instead, however, he asked me come in and assess the situation. As I met with the employee, it became clear that a lot was going on. She was angry, and beneath her anger she was deeply hurt. As we talked over the next hour, I discovered that she had been mad at the executive director for more than two months. “He has changed—he used to be supportive and inspiring, and now he is just critical. I’m really thinking about quitting.” Both the executive director and the employee thought the other person had changed, so I had to consider: “Which came first—the chicken or the egg?” Well,
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actually, neither the chicken nor the egg came first; what came first was a new farm. You see, the firm had just been through a major merger, and the duties, systems, and processes of both the executive director and the employee had changed tremendously. Both were struggling, but the frustration shifted from the situation to each other. I met with them first separately and then together to discuss the main source of their conflict. Once we explored why each of them had shifted somewhat, they were able to talk through the situation and align again with each other. When I last saw them, they were both amazed at how the other person was back to whom he or she used to be.
What Top Performers Know Understanding the source of a conflict is crucial to resolving it. When we know the source, we can solve the problem and collaborate on fixing it. What makes this complex, however, is that there are multiple sources to any conflict.
Sources of conflict There are a variety of books on conflict and each seems to identify different sources of conflict. First we will review several prominent books and then try to bring it all together to build a comprehensive list of sources of conflict. In Managing Conflict: A Complete Process-centered Handbook, Roy W. Pneuman and Margaret E. Bruehl identify three main sources of conflict: individual factors, interactional factors, and organizational factors.
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These include several subcategories of conflict sources as follows: Individual factors. Personal or individual differences could include such things as background, style, perceptions, and feelings/inner data. For example, in the USA, we handle business cards very informally. We can write on someone’s card, toss it in our pocket, and even receive it without looking at the details of the card. This same behavior, however, could offend someone from Korea. There, they receive the card with both hands, spend time acknowledging the card, and carefully put it in a place of prominence. Individuals from the USA and Korea may personally experience the same action in different ways. Interactional issues—dynamics between people. This category represents problems that result from inaccurate exchanges between individuals. Examples include errors such as ambiguous, inaccurate, incomplete, or unclear information being conveyed by the person sending the message; media-based distortions that occur somewhere between the person sending the communication and the person who is receiving it (things like mannerisms, external noise, distractions, and perceptual distortions); and receiver-based errors, such as the lack of a common language between those attempting to communicate or simple differences in understanding. Sometimes the issues are not the result of a personal conflict, but rather the problems exist because of impediments between the two people. For example, when I am talking to my certified public accountant (CPA), sometimes he uses terms and phrases that I do not use in my everyday life. This results in confusion. Or when I fall into psychobabble and use such phrases as codependency or
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metacommunication, I can confuse others. No one is at particular fault in these examples, and it is not a personal issue, but miscommunication occurs anyway. Organizational conditions. Organizational issues are sometimes ignored as sources of conflict. These can include scarcity of resources, ambiguity, overregulation, competition, and making exceptions. Any of these organizational factors could bring out conflict in even the most dedicated of employees.
Structure and conflict The authors of the book The Balancing Act focus on structure as a main source of conflict. They state, “Of all of the negative effects resulting from increasing size, perhaps the most predictable is conflict. When caught in the throes of conflict, few leaders attribute arguments and conflict to size. This source usually remains invisible. Most people do not point to structure as a source of conflict.” The authors go on to identify three structural ingredients of conflict—interdependence, conflicting goals, and infrequent interaction. Let’s examine each of these briefly: Interdependence. People within organizations must rely on each other in order to meet their goals. When an organization grows, so does the need for interdependence. Conflicting goals. Sometimes coworkers in an interdependent relationship are given goals that conflict with each other. People become specialists in their own area, but can frustrate other groups with different goals. One company I worked with had a major issue between their sales department and operations. The sales professionals were “on fire” and were breaking records in company
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product sales. Operations could not keep up with the demand and were extremely angry that the sales department was “making them look bad.” Each group had different marching orders. The sales staff was challenged to break records. The operations group wanted to protect the quality of the product. It ended with both groups feeling disrespected and in conflict with each other. We had to get all critical members of the groups together and brainstorm win-win solutions in order to break this tension. Infrequent interaction. Within corporations today there is less communication, which leads to decreased understanding of each other’s needs. Combine that with teams who are geographically separated and have different goals, yet are interdependent, and you greatly increase your chances for negative conflict. Solutions the authors suggest include increasing interaction, aligning goals, and increasing generalists over specialists to solve this dilemma.
Common reasons for conflict In my book The Coward’s Guide to Conflict, I list seven sources of interactional conflict. While not exhaustive, this list does capture some common reasons. These are: Behavioral differences. Sometimes conflict is simply the result of seeing and interacting with the world a little differently than others. Failure to recognize and appreciate this diversity can increase negative conflict. There are legendary stories about the conflict between Walt Disney and his brother. Walt was the creative visionary while his brother was the cautious financial wizard. This caused great conflict for them but also was a huge ingredient in the success of Disney.
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Secondary emotions. Some conflict results when a person is showing anger. People usually become defensive when you approach them with anger, which lessens your chance for successful conflict resolution. The key is to look beneath your anger to determine what you are really feeling, for example, fear, embarrassment, frustration, or hurt. Think about the last time you were angry. Now consider what emotion you might have felt beneath the anger. What would have happened if you expressed that emotion to the other person instead of anger? Poor listening. Often we enter into conflict because we did not listen well to the other person and a miscommunication developed. There are several different ways to listen to others, and it is important that we use the right style for the right situation. For example, three main styles of listening are: • Listening to gather information • Listening in order to empathize with the person • Listening in order to form solutions The right listening style for one occasion may be the wrong one for another. Poor communication. Many times our conflicts come from the way that we talk to each other (or perceive the person talking to us). Lazy or poor interactional patterns such as aggressiveness, pacifying, or withdrawing can inhibit positive communication and collaboration. Many times we don’t mind the content of the message, but we are absolutely offended by how the person communicated the message! Positions instead of interests. Positions are ways to get what we want; interests represent what we really want. For example, if
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you walk into your boss’s office and ask for a raise, that might be a position. What is your true interest? It could be several things. Your true interest could be any of the following: • Maintaining equality with what others are getting paid • Feeling respected and valued • Getting money for additional education • Getting out of debt • Matching another job offer so you don’t need to leave a job you love Getting a raise is only one solution to your true interest, and there may be other creative solutions that will meet that core interest. For example, if money for additional education is the core interest, then that could also be solved by asking your company to pay for your tuition instead of giving you an overall raise. If your true interest is feeling valued, the company could provide you perks and additional desired responsibilities. When two parties each focus solely on a single position, conflict escalates. Effective collaboration requires that parties focus on true interests and brainstorm win-win solutions. Selfishness. While we don’t like to admit it, we are selfish beings. We tend to see the world egocentrically and we tend to want what we want. While nothing is wrong about wanting something, conflict occurs when we have a sense of entitlement to get something. Sometimes conflict is caused by something as simple as the flaw of human selfishness. Think of that person you used to work with that always focused on what she wanted, but had no empathy for the desires of others. That person was stuck in selfishness.
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Irrational thinking and perspectives. No two people have exactly the same perspectives and perceptions. We all tend to see the world from different angles. These angles can be appreciated or they can be a source of irritations. At times our perceptions are very far from reality. We see an insult when an insult isn’t really there. We see disrespect when none was intended. We view someone as aggressive when they are simply being direct. Our perceptions dictate our emotions, which will then dictate our action. In workshops I do a simple exercise where I have participants stand and straighten out their right arm. I then try to push it down with my left hand (which I can rarely do). Afterward, I have them think of a negative thought and do the same activity. Every time they do this the arm loses significant strength and I can push it right down. Negative and irrational thoughts are dangerous and sap our energy. We should not allow them in our thinking.
The role of culture In “Cross Cultural Awareness: Effective Mangers Can Recognize and Adapt to Different Work Styles and Culture,” Lee Gardenswartz and Anita Rowe focus on the role of culture in conflict. They believe that many unnecessary conflicts can be avoided by recognizing the role of culture and identifying critical preferences and expectations that differ across cultures. They encourage managers to avoid interpreting employees’ behaviors through their own cultural background (a task easier said than done). They note that managers often form perceptions that employees are intentionally deceptive, difficult, or unproductive instead of considering that the employees are simply stuck in their cultural programming.
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A consolidated list Obviously, the list could go on. However, once the list gets too big, it gets unmanageable. Therefore we think it is helpful to consolidate all of these different sources to cover the main sources of conflict. We see these main sources as: Organizational factors • Lack of resources • Lack of clarity (in purposes, expectations, roles, standards, responsibilities, norms, rewards, and goals) • Overregulation (micromanaging and the lack of freedom) • Unhealthy competition • Lack of justice in the workplace (unfair practices and policies) • Lack of alignment (between and within departments) • Low interaction • Differences in function, level, and professional perspective People issues • Normal differences • Nature—gender, race, age, and core personality • Nurture—behavioral styles, culture, education, position, geographical location, values, and experiences • Perspectives and feelings • Distortions and chosen beliefs that are debatable instead of fact • Feelings (especially the focus on anger instead of core emotions) • Selfishness • Interpersonal dynamics • Poor communication from the sender
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• Poor listening from the receiver • Failure to discover core interests and develop win-win solutions • Struggles for power In our coaching and application section we will walk you through a process for determining the main source of your conflict. By discovering the source, you will have more power to discover the solution.
Coaching and Application Determining the source of conflict Think of a current or past conflict and use the following flowchart in figure 2.1 to determine the main source of conflict. While simplistic, it is a good start at learning to identify what truly caused a conflict.
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Figure 2.1: Main Sources of Conflict
Of course we realize that some conflicts are combinations of several of these factors. When this is the case, simply use the above flowchart to determine how much time and energy you should put into discussing each factor.
Determining the source of an unresolved conflict Have you been in a conflict at work that you were unable to resolve? Briefly describe the conflict on the next page and then work to discover the source of the conflict.
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Describe your unresolved work conflict:
As best you can determine, how much was it related to each of our sources below? Put percentages in the subcategory and then circle the main factors that contributed to the conflict. Percentage of the conflict that was due to organizational factors = __________% (circle any that apply) Lack of resources
Lack of justice
Lack of clarity
Lack of alignment
Overregulation
Low interaction
Unhealthy competition
Differences in function, level, and perspective
Percentage of the conflict that was due to people issues = __________% (subdivide this between the three groups below) Normal differences = __________% (circle any that apply) Nature—gender, race, age, and core personality Nurture—behavioral styles, culture, education, position, geographical location, values, and experiences
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Perspectives and feelings that we can impact = __________% (circle any that apply) Distortions and chosen beliefs Feelings Selfishness Interpersonal dynamics = __________% (circle any that apply) Poor communication from the sender Poor listening from the receiver Failure to discover core interests and develop win-win solutions Struggles for power Laziness in communication How does knowing the source of the conflict serve you?
How might you use this information?
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Final instructions If you are feeling ambitious, walk yourself through this process for several unresolved conflicts. Note if there are any patterns to conflicts that you have been unable to resolve at work.
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