The PItch May 10, 2012

MAY 10–16, 2012 | FREE | VOL. 31 NO. 45 | PITCH.COM

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Editor Scott Wilson Managing Editor Justin Kendall Music Editor David Hudnall Staff Writers Charles Ferruzza, Ben Palosaari Editorial Operations Manager Deborah Hirsch Proofreader Brent Shepherd Calendar Editor Berry Anderson Clubs Editor Abbie Stutzer Food Blogger, Web Editor Jonathan Bender Contributing Writers Tracy Abeln, Danny Alexander, Theresa Bembnister, Aaron Carnes, Kyle Eustice, April Fleming, Ian Hrabe, Chris Parker, Matt Pearce, Nadia Pflaum, Saby Reyes-Kulkarni, Nancy Hull Rigdon, Dan Savage, Brent Shepherd, Nick Spacek, Abbie Stutzer, Crystal K. Wiebe Editorial Intern Micah Gutweiler

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Missouri legislators zero in on guns, gays and gags in another year of attempted lawmaking.

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THE MO NO PHO NI C SPR EE Tim DeLaughter is all about singles these days.

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THE PITCH

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What career would you choose in an alternate reality? A horse whisperer, where the horses

talked back, so I wouldn’t have to wonder what they were thinking.

What’s the strangest thing someone has asked you to do as Leonardo? To pose as her boy-

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“People might be surprised to know that I …”

Am adopted.

Electoral College.

Where do you drink in Kansas City? My dad

What TV show do you make sure you watch?

is a retired highway patrolman, my mom is a probation officer, and I work at a detention center. Not a real big social drinker. Get the picture.

Favorite place to spend your paycheck: I love the outdoors … Cabela’s.

What local phenomenon do you think is overrated? Sports, in general.

Have you been asked yet to dress up as Howard Hughes or J. Edgar Hoover? Not yet, but

Does Frank Lloyd Roberts want an acting career in his own right? At one time, I thought about

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“Kansas City needs …” A light-rail system.

friend and attend her daughter’s wedding in order to make her ex-husband jealous. I value my life, so I turned that one down.

a hobby that makes people smile. I suppose as long as people seem interested, Mr. DiCaprio doesn’t do something real stupid, and I don’t get too fat!

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in Branson. That was my first gig. I worked at the museum for one month in July 2009 as Jack Dawson. Then she flew me to New York on her private jet to appear on the Live! With Regis and Kelly show. I stayed at the Trump Towers.

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it. But it is difficult to get your foot in the door.

I have been in some college and high school plays, and love it, but you have to pay the bills.

I certainly wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to be Mr. DiCaprio’s stunt double, but so far, he hasn’t contacted me.

Finish this sentence: “Other than the Kauffman Center, Kansas City got it right when …” They

refurbished Union Station.

“Kansas City screwed up when it ...” Required all city employees to be citizens of Kansas City.

“If I were in charge …” I would get rid of the

I don’t watch anything on a regular basis, but I love John Wayne movies and action films.

takes up a lot of space in my iTunes:

Country music

What movie do you watch at least once a year?

It’s a Wonderful Life, and yes, I cry every year at the end.

What local tradition do you take part in every year? I’m not real big into traditions but enjoy

local parades and Fourth of July celebrations.

Celebrity you’d like to ride the Mamba with at Worlds of Fun: Adam Sandler Person or thing you find really irritating at this moment: The presidential campaign. It’s

too long.

What subscription — print, digital, etc. — do you value most? The Bible Last book you read: Jason’s Gold by Will Hobbs Favorite day trip: Anywhere horseback riding Interesting brush with the law? To meet the

cable guy, I was traveling a little too fast when I met a local trooper. He clocked me at 93 mph, and yes, I received a ticket. He didn’t seem to care that my father was a retired patrolman.

Describe a recent triumph: I just completed my associate’s degree and obtained full-time employment.

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4/23/12 1:04 PM

PLOG

SUMMONING SPIRITS

A brief history of

BY

KC speakeasies

M AT T P E A RCE

ohn J. Lyman’s house had a secret.

Lyman was the Kansas City Chiefs’ photographer for 25 years, and after he died in 2005, at age 90, his two-story Coleman Highlands home overlooking the city fell into disrepair. The basement was full of his old junk: cameras, vinyl records, shelves with liquor bottles from the 1960s. It also had a massive, solid floor-to-ceiling closet built in front of the wall.

When new owners bought the place this past winter, workers tore it down and discovered a hidden vault. When they opened it, they found some dry goods and a shelf. When they removed the shelf, they discovered a secret room. Hidden inside: 30 moonshine jugs, 16 whiskey bottles, 13 gin bottles, 10 vermouth bottles, and five ancient champagne bottles.

The trove included a rotted piece of crate stamped “GLASS” and, underneath that, the name “T.J. PENDERGAST.” That would be the man called “Boss Tom,” the dark prince of Jackson County politics who made Prohibition a party for the locals and something of an international joke for everybody else.

The Coleman Highlands discovery is a rarity. The speakeasy, ubiquitous in the 1920s, is slowly disappearing from Kansas City’s physical history and collective memory. It has been, for instance, 20 years since Terry Sanchez (of Weird Stuff Antiques, at 901 Tracy) bought a property near 33rd Street and Troost and found a concrete-sealed stairwell leading to a secret store. “It was one of Pendergast’s beer companies,” says Sanchez, who didn’t find booze there, just a bunch of old signs dating back to the 1920s and earlier.

The antiques dealer says he doesn’t see much evidence floating around of Prohibition bootlegging. “You just don’t find that stuff anymore,” he says. (Someone did recently call to offer him a moonshine still — for thousands of dollars. Thanks, he said, but no thanks.)

Lyman bought his house in 1961 from Melvin and Donna Mains. Prior ownership can’t be verified with public records, so we may never know whether this was a fullon hideout for Prohibition bootleggers or a home speakeasy or something else. One of the bottles discovered dates to a couple of years after the ban’s end, but that doesn’t mean the basement stash was legal. Bootleggers continued their work after Prohibition ended, in order to avoid alcohol taxes. (Taxes on liquor accounted for one-third of federal revenue before the enactment in 1913 of the income tax, whose huge revenues made it easier for lawmakers to stomach the loss of alcohol taxes when they passed Prohibition.)

As Prohibition slides further into history, there’s less likely to be living experts around to recognize a major find. “My guess is that speakeasies by nature were ‘underground,’ so there’s often little if any formal recording of them to begin with,” David W. Jackson, archives and education director at Jackson County Historical Society, tells The Pitch. “Personal stories and 6

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M AT T P E A R C E

J

The secret stash found in Coleman Highlands remembrances, held only in people’s minds, are lost when they die or get senile.”

Discoveries usually happen during construction. A few years ago, Northeast News reported on a project at 1400 Guinotte, where an old cannery was being turned into lofts. Under the structure was a basement tunnel, rumored to lead to the banks of the Missouri River — a possible smuggling point for contraband liquor.

When you pour out the public record from those days, it seems like you couldn’t elbow past a sheriff’s deputy without knocking over a couple of gallons of moonshine. Yet even when organized crime kept good times flowing, the menfolk around town found themselves driven underground by women’s groups hellbent on keeping them sober. Legendary bar-buster Carry Nation — described in Daniel Okrent’s Last Call: The Rise and Fall of Prohibition as being “six feet tall, with the biceps of a stevedore, the face of a prison warden and the persistence of a toothache” — took the cause to her grave in Belton, where her tombstone reaffirms her undying loyalty to the Prohibition that would come a decade later: “SHE HATH DONE WHAT SHE COULD.” Her torch was picked up by people like Maude Wilson, “the saloon-smashing woman” who, in a December 1928 luncheon at the Hotel Baltimore, “resumed with her tongue where she left off a couple of weeks ago with her ax,” according to the Kansas City Journal-Post. The fundamental problems of enforcing Prohibition in Kansas City, even then, were obvious. “The politicians own the buildings which house the [speakeasy] joints,” Wilson told her audience.

“They’re not going to see the business ruined.”

The police, she said — who were repeatedly indicted in news reports at the time for cavorting around with the bootleggers they were supposed to bust — raided places only when the public really demanded it. “They are controlled either by money or by politics,” she said.

The pseudo-speakeasies popular today, such as Manifesto at 1924 Main, borrow the veneer of 1920s secrecy without any of the illegality and danger that made speakeasies

pitch.com

sexy. The properly criminal speakeasies these days? The backseat of a car, a basement, an old shed — anywhere you’d roll a joint.

Those aren’t very social locales, though, which sets them apart from the speakeasies of 1920s Kansas City — not just the homes outfitted with drinking lairs but also soda shops, pool halls, restaurants and cabarets. Judging from records of police raids, not every such place was downtown. But most were.

One massive bust in 1926 closed down 52 suspected speakeasies at once, including the Blue Goose cabaret, in the basement of the Puritan Hotel at Ninth Street and Wyandotte.

That same year, a judge padlocked a cabaret at 500 West Sixth Street dubbed “a resort of mixed colors” by a Star story. “It has been considered good etiquette there for the two races to mix in their dancing, and it was not unusual for mixed couples to go there together,” the Star added of the so-called “black-and-tan” club.

Today, that precursor to the ends of Prohibition — and, later, segregation — is a parking garage.

Another major gateway for booze trafficking was an unnamed soft-drink joint across an alley and east of the Hotel President, according to one report of a booze bust. But don’t go looking for history there — that building has been demolished. pitch.com

Kansas City’s revolving cast of bootleggers came with a set of usual suspects.

Harvey Leopold bootlegged before Prohibition started, according to the Star, in an effort to avoid liquor-license fees; he did his work out of a soda shop on the 7000 block of East 15th Street. John “Slim” Good ran his business out of a soda shop at 6809 Independence Avenue.

“Good holds the distinction of being the only bootlegger in Kansas City who ever got up nerve enough to lodge a complaint against patrolmen for watching his place too closely,” the Star reported in 1926. “He complained to the chief of police that two patrolmen assigned to watch his joint ‘hung around so close’ they were ruining his business.”

But the cops often got wrapped up in the same alcohol hooliganism that they were supposed to stamp out. When judges ordered police to padlock out-of-control speakeasies, prosecutors would be shocked — shocked!

— when the booze sometimes mysteriously disappeared anyway. Officials were even less amused when, in 1924, seven federal agents were indicted on charges of conspiracy to “violate Prohibition.” (At trial, they were asked if they were “in sympathy” with the law. Only one had the nerve to say no.)

But alcohol — much as marijuana does in medical dispensaries today — found a loophole in prescription medicine. In 1927, Dr. E.W. Cavaness, Kansas City health director, estimated that 1,300 city physicians had licenses to allow 400 liquor prescriptions a year. There was once such a thing as a “whiskey drug store,” often operated by former saloonkeepers, the Star reported; “it is said most of them are not equipped to fill anything except whisky [sic] prescriptions.” There was good business in treating the ill.

Eventually the nation came to its senses and revoked Prohibition. In 1934, a Parisian doctor named Georges G. Valot spent nine months investigating the liquor scene in the United States immediately after the end of the ban. In the annals of Kansas City history, he’s somewhere between the Tocqueville of tipple and the Borat of booze. By one reporter’s account of his trip and his findings — “It would be much better that this be printed after I sail, no?” the doctor asked before he departed — the Paris of the Plains lived up to its international reputation.

“The wettest towns in America are Reno, Nev.; New Orleans, and Kansas City, Mo.,” according to the doctor’s report, as quoted in the St. Joseph News-Press. (Valot’s findings were prefaced by one of the great openings in literature: “I like very much America.”)

Before he sailed off into history, he summed up our legacy pretty accurately. “The wettest town is Kansas City, Mo., which can be compared only with Juarez, Mexico. I have seen the streets of Paris at their worst, or best, but they are nothing like Kansas City. If you want to have a good time, go to Kansas City.”

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PLOG

HITTING BACK

A year after losing their leader, the Cowtown Butchers roll toward a bigger audience.

n the cold rain outside the River Roll Skate Center, they talk about Thomas Lyons.

“Expresso is why I skate,” James Surrette says, referring to Lyons by his roller-derby name.

“He gave me a set of pads and told me to try it out,” adds Rachel Jones, who this season joined the Kansas City Roller Warriors. “I was just a preppy girl watching a roller-derby match two years ago. But Expresso saw something in me.”

It’s been almost a year since Lyons’ skates stopped rolling around the track. After a practice at the Riverside rink on May 11, 2011, the Shawnee native and captain of the Cowtown Butchers collapsed and died. He was 43 years old.

On a Thursday night late last month, the team — what many still see as his team — is waiting to get into the white concrete building with the blue roof. For their weekly practice, 15 men and women have come bearing roller suitcases full of gear, dressed in hand-torn T-shirts and frayed shorts, and ready to sweat. The owner arrives, and each athlete pays $5 for the chance to practice while the rink is closed to the public.

“Pad up, boys,” says Will “Polish Hitman” Bonikowski, the team’s captain.

Six disco balls are at rest over the white floor, and a small sign above the skate-rental counter declares, “NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ACCIDENTS.” The University of Kansas biochemistry professor chomps down on his mouth guard, the carpenter checks his helmet, and both push off and begin to roll over the rink’s white floor.

The Cow tow n Butchers a re Ka nsas City’s amateur men’s roller-derby team, an unranked member of the 20-team Men’s Roller Derby Association. The Butchers are only the third-biggest draw in town, behind the Kansas City Roller Warriors — the area women’s team, which annually has been in national championship contention — and the Dead Girl Derby league. While the Roller Warriors regularly draw a crowd of thousands, the Cowtown Butchers’ home

BECKY MEEKER MCCOY

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match a few days ago (against the Dallas Deception) brought in 500 fans.

However, thanks in part to Lyons, who served as an official for the Roller Warriors’ games, the two teams’ fates are intertwined.

“We started off as fans of theirs, and now we’re just fans of each other,” Bonikowski says.

The Cowtown Butchers are coached and drilled by women roller-derby players. The men’s primary goal, in what originated as a men’s sport: Convince the world that they’re serious about competing.

“We’re one of the smaller teams in the league,” Bonikowski says. “Almost everybody’s bigger, but we hit harder.”

In men’s roller derby, the scoreboard is only slightly more important than the bruises raised on the other team. And it’s practice that makes pain — starting with the Butchers’ own. David Summerly, 30, is skating proof of that principle, pinwheeling his arms for balance and slamming his skates down as he slowly circles the track.

The former high school track athlete, a coworker of Jones’, agreed to try one practice — three practices ago.

Surrette, in white above, and his other Butchers battle Springfield.

“The first night, they showed me how to fall,” Summerly says. “Everyone has just been so nice. I expected a bunch of hard-asses.

Instead, they’ve just wanted to help me skate.”

The team says this kindred-spirits-fi rst approach is Lyons’ legacy. Most of this squad remembers what it was like to be Summerly, who says he hadn’t been on skates in a decade. Above their playground whoops, the wheels make the sound of 40 office chairs simultaneously scraping a floor.

Bonikowski admits that the team still needs players. It’s why he, as Expresso once did, goes to rinks to watch recreational skaters, hoping to spot new talent. His pitch is straightforward: We know you can skate — how would you like to hit someone?

“Makes you want to join, doesn’t it?” a skater in a kilt tells an observer.

Tonight, Slamrock — formerly in women’s derby — is putting the Butchers through the mill. In her best drill-sergeant impersonation, she chides players for failing to push their

BY

JON AT H A N BENDER

butts low to the ground and build up the friction required to quickly increase velocity.

The team is working on a speed line, in which each player attempts to match the strides of the skater in front of him, with Slamrock coaching each partner on his form. “ You’l l neve r m a ke a l l t he r i g ht decisions,” she says. “So you just have to go out and skate and have a good time and kick some ass.”

The team gathers around for instructions, and the men chip in advice like they’re guys hovering over a backyard grill — winded guys. They circle the track hundreds of times during this 84-minute practice.

Surrette, Bonikowski and Mark “Sgt. Kaos” F u n k have been f r iends si nce graduating from Liberty High School more than 20 years ago. They credit Lyons with transforming them from skaters into derby players. During a passing drill, Surrette collides with Funk, and the two men, built like tight ends, spin to the ground.

“It’s not derby if you’re not falling,” Funk says through a grin.

I n t he past t wo decades, women’s roller derby has thrived by combining a message of empowerment with a punk-rock aesthetic. The men come for their own kind of validation: to forget a painful divorce or to remember what it’s like to be on a team.

Surrette is entering his second year, having changed his derby name from Allan Alpha to Crimson Cobra. He says he has dropped 100 pounds since he started working out.

“Everything I own is becoming red,” he s ays. “ That color i s def i n i ng my character. I have this unbelievable sense of accomplishment because I’m pushing my body to the extreme.”

The men split up after a brief scrimmage.

Some have to work. Some have to take their kids home. Others head out for a beer after practice.

“Expresso is the reason that so many of us do this,” Bonikowski says. “And the team has grown so much in a year. We just keep rolling.”

E-mail jonathan.bender@pitch.com

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TECH

FLIPPING OUT

Front Flip’s app makes a game of dining out.

BY

JUS T IN K E NDA L L

inner, winner, free dinner — for Front Flip users, anyway. The Kansas Citybased marketing company launched its free app in November 2011 and by year’s end had expanded to include hundreds of businesses in more than a dozen cities. (Locally, restaurants such as Tannin Wine Bar, LaMar’s Donuts and Minsky’s Pizza are among those playing the game.) This spring, national chains — including Hooters, Pizza Hut and Wendy’s — started trying the app.

Here’s how it works: Customers use the mobile app to scan QR codes at restaurants and shops. The code unlocks a digital scratch card — the iPhone or Android version of a lottery ticket — to be rubbed.

Winners get a prize: free dessert, say, or dinner for four.

Front Flip founder and CEO Sean Beckner says KC is loaded with tech ability ready to make the Midwest an IT hub. An edited transcript of Beckner’s e-mail interview with The Pitch follows.

The Pitch: What are the most appealing things about operating your business from the KC area?

Beckner: Kansas City is a great place for top talent, with a ton of entrepreneurial spirit. It’s home, and to be able to build a company S IE R O T E S E AT where your family and MORL friends are, and share IN ON M the experience, is great.

P IT C H .C O It’s also a great test market. The Kansas City market has allowed us to evolve here before launching national. And if it works here, it can work anywhere.

What are the challenges?

Kansas City is a great place for top talent, but defi nitely not a place where there is an unlimited pool. There are so many

WILLIAM LOUNSBURY

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Beckner (above) and Front Flip's Overland Park office great companies to work for here. It is highly competitive. Thankfully, Front Flip is a fun place to work.

We have to have a bit more bravado because we are here in Kansas City. Although KC is gaining more respect as a center for tech, we still need to do more things great to be visible.

Are we in the next tech bubble, or is the rise of smartphones and tablets and their apps leading to growth that’s truly sustainable?

It is not only sustainable — it is just getting started. Mobile will define the next decade.

Smart young entrepreneurs need to be in mobile.

What apps and models have you studied?

What kind of work went into figuring out how to make your model profitable?

Apps: Facebook, in terms of studying the

interactions; Instagram, in terms of simplicity; Foursquare, in terms of how to make something fun. Model: salesforce.com, for the platform and the monetization and sustainable long-term value.

Many of us here are serial entrepreneurs and have experience in building profitable subscription-based models. The big item here is the mutual value for both the mobileapp user and the business.

We have all kinds of tech and app companies popping up around our city. Has location become irrelevant in the industry?

Location has quickly become less relevant in the app-tech world. Many of the people entering the workforce now have grown up with the Internet and with technology. These people, much like ourselves, are finding ways to innovate regardless of geographic location.

What must Kansas City do to fully become the tech hub that some are already calling it?

Continue to have success stories and a supporting community. Several nonprofit organizations, such as the Kauff man Foundation and the Archer Foundation, right here in Kansas City provide opportunities for start-ups to build their story. In the same manner, successful entrepreneurs here in Kansas City are more than willing to step up … to provide guidance and mentorship.

How many employees do you have? What’s the employment target for the rest of 2012?

We currently have 32 employees and we will most likely double by the end of the year.

What should someone starting college or changing careers do to capitalize on tech’s growth right now?

Learn about technology, read tech blogs, use technology. Ask the question: How can I do this better? Look at who has been successful and understand why. Take risks.

E-mail feedback@pitch.com

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Aggravati –—––—----——-—–-—–—––—----— ---——-—–-—–—––—----——-—–MISSOURI LEGISLATORS ZERO IN ON GUNS, GAYS AND GAGS IN ANOTHER YEAR OF ATTEMPTED LAWMAKING.

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ell, this is new: A Republican politician in Missouri is openly gay.

Reflect on that fact for a moment because, as with a lot of things in the Missouri Statehouse, it won’t be true for long.

His name is Zachary Wyatt. He’s a 27-yearold representative from Green Castle, in northern Missouri. When the session and his term end May 18, he’ll be jetting off to Hawaii, trading cattle farming for mai tais and sunscreen.

He just had to finish one errand first.

“Being gay has never been a Republican or Democrat issue, and it should never be,” Wyatt said May 2 in prepared remarks, in which he came out — and also came out against the “Don’t Say Gay” bill that would bar discussing homosexuality in public schools. “With national attention on the Missouri House of Representatives in regards to House Bill 2051, I am compelled to still speak out against colleagues and especially the special interest groups who have pushed this bill forward.”

Welcome to the bumpy close to another chaotic Statehouse session in Missouri’s nowyou-see-it, now-you-don’t Legislature.

An awkward roasting ensued.

There’s a certain brand of national reporting that exists solely as political rubbernecking for eye-grabbing conservative legislation. State Sen. Brian Nieves caught The Atlantic’s attention with SJR 45, a secession-lite bill that “prohibits the Missouri legislative, executive, and judicial branches of government from recognizing, enforcing, or acting in furtherance of any federal action that exceeds the powers delegated to the federal government.”

“Whoa,” wrote The Atlantic’s Andrew Cohen. “Is Missouri going to declare war on the United States? Are its citizens going to refuse to enforce laws they don’t agree with?”

Cohen followed up with a distraught update on HB 1534, sponsored by state Rep. Kurt Bahr, which criminalizes the implementation of Obamacare, punishing any federal official who attempts to enforce the Affordable Care Act with up to a year in prison.

O

n April 19, by a veto-proof majority of 108-32, the Missouri House of Representatives voted to pass HB 1860, which would have made it a misdemeanor to lie on a job application to an animal farm — and to film or merely possess undercover footage.

“Agriculture is the state’s largest industry and needs to be protected from antiagriculture organizations and individuals,” reads a summary of industry testimony given as the bill cruised through the Missouri House Committee on Agri-Business, which is chaired by seventh-generation farmer and northern Missouri Rep. Casey Guernsey, who also sponsored the bill.

Like Brown and her bill against gun-owner discrimination, Guernsey couldn’t cite any instances of undercover activists filming Mis-

"The folks who try to gain access to these facilities

T

his year, the Missouri Legislature has been great fodder for late-night comedians such as Stephen Colbert, who riffed on the “Don’t Say Gay” bill on his Comedy Central show, The Colbert Report.

“Folks, finding out that homosexuality exists is a slippery slope to tolerating it,” Colbert said.

The Daily Show’s Aasif Mandvi followed up that report, butting heads with state Rep. Wanda Brown over House Bill 1621, which prevents employers from firing employees for owning guns — instances of which no one had heard before Brown’s bill.

“How many examples of gun-owner discrimination do you know of?” Mandvi asked Brown.

“Well, you know, I’d rather not get into examples,” she stumbled.

“Right, you must have thousands of them.

But can you give me a few?”

“This is preventative,” she said. “I’d just like to protect the Second Amendment [rights] of everyone in the future.”

Missouri hog farmers in a battle against the First Amendment.

just don't have an open mind."

“What in the world is happening in Missouri?” Cohen asked. “Don’t state lawmakers there have more important things to do with their time, and more practical causes to advance on behalf of their many constituents, than ginning up one unconstitutional piece of legislation after another? Is the political process in Jefferson City so hijacked by radicals that it cannot help itself?”

Most of the Missouri Legislature’s more extreme ideas never become law, primarily due to a more temperate Missouri Senate killing the House’s grandest aspirations, like a black hole shredding the stars that careen its way.

Consider the autopsy of House Bill 1860 — may it rest in peace, for now — which pitted

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souri farms. He got the idea for the bill after a local radio station ran a story on an “eagerbeaver activist” who sneaked into an Iowa processing plant to take footage in order to create slanted “propaganda,” he told The Pitch.

Such stunts — and their startling, brutal videos — have resulted in a lot of bad PR and lost business for animal farmers nationwide, as well as a few charges of animal abuse.

Missouri’s bill was just the latest version of an industry-backed clampdown that spans several states.

“Farmers and ag businesses really don’t have anything to hide,” Guernsey said, citing government inspectors who are on-site “all the time.”

“The problem is what they [activists] capture and how they use what they capture. It’s all in propaganda. You’re gonna use the most sensational-appearing images when you run a campaign, which is absolutely what these folks are doing. … The folks who try to gain access to these facilities just don’t have an open mind.”

Guernsey added that such footage “can get blown out of proportion pretty quickly.” He explained that the bill was intended to target animal-rights groups, like the Humane Society of the United States, which he said targets farmers. (Of course, the Humane Society protested Guernsey’s bill. “Lawmakers should be encouraging laws that protect animals from abuse, not protecting factory farms from scrutiny,” HSUS spokesman Matthew Dominguez told The Pitch.)

But the bill’s implications cut much deeper than just farmers versus activists.

T

he “ag gag” legislation, as activists call it, was a close copy of a bill originally proposed in Iowa. The Iowa bill, in turn, mirrored the “Animal & Ecological Terrorism Act” draft legislation proposed by the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) in 2003, as part of a report that compared radical animal-rights groups with al-Qaida.

(ALEC, a national business-backed conservative legislative group, received heavy criticism for backing “Stand Your Ground” laws after 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was shot and killed by George Zimmerman in Florida.) The ALEC ecoterrorism bill also made undercover filming illegal.

In their companion bills, Iowa and Missouri legislators went further than ALEC, criminalizing the mere possession of undercover footage. (For example, the proposed law would appear to make it a misdemeanor for a news outlet like The Pitch to “possess and distribute” undercover footage of animal abuse, even if it hadn’t filmed it.)

“At the very least, I think there are serious questions about even the first part of this bill, which makes it a crime to take these videos,” said Doug Bonney, legal director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Kansas & Western Missouri, after the bill passed the House.

Bonney called the provision criminalizing

on ——-—–-

–—––

BY MATT PEARCE

publication of such footage “clearly unconstitutional” and “pretty shocking.”

The U.S. Supreme Court has long protected the right of journalists to publish newsworthy information, even if it has been illegally obtained by someone else, which is how The New York Times came to publish WikiLeaks documents without half of the newsroom going to jail.

Iowa legislators dropped the provision criminalizing publication after the state’s attorney general questioned its constitutionality.

Missouri House legislators did not.

Jean Maneke, an attorney for the Missouri Press Association, said the association has fought similar legislation for about four years.

Maneke said the language in the bill might unintentionally criminalize journalists taking photos of farms from a plane in a public airspace or from a public highway.

“I’m not sure those who are pushing this have stopped to think about how this impacts journalists who are trying to do their jobs,” she said.

Guernsey, the bill’s sponsor, fumbled a bit when The Pitch asked how the bill could criminalize the publication of footage, in spite of the First Amendment.

“I guess, by de facto, if it’s illegal to take it,” he said, then paused and stopped himself.

“Uh, no, that’s not really a concern of mine — that’s not the intent of the bill, to criminalize possession of an illegally produced videotape.

But it would be illegal to produce it. I don’t see the word ‘possession’ in that bill anywhere.”

Except it was: “A person commits the crime of agricultural production facility interference if such person acts without the consent of the owner of an agricultural production facility, as defined in section 578.660, to willfully … (2) Possess or distribute a record which reproduces an image or sound occurring at the facility which was produced as provided in subdivision (1) of this subsection [which makes undercover recording illegal].”

When the bill’s language was read back to him, Guernsey backed up a bit and repeated that his intention wasn’t to criminalize journalism, which he acknowledged has broad First Amendment protections.

“If only farmers had as much protection as journalists,” he said.

Guernsey said two outside legal groups, which he wouldn’t name, helped write the bill.

But the Missouri Press Association’s Maneke was not impressed with the legislation’s craftwork.

“I think this bill is not well-written and wellthought-out at all,” Maneke said. She added, with a jab at Missouri’s controversial termlimits law, “This is an indication of some of the problems you have when you see new faces in the Legislature.”

A

few days after Guernsey spoke to The Pitch, his bill — which had easily passed the House — disintegrated in the Senate’s agriculture committee.

“Some of the senators on the committee raised concerns that the Missouri Press Association had raised,” said Pat Thomas, chief of staff for Brian Munzlinger, ag committee chairman.

A proposed replacement bill cut almost everything except a watered-down provision that would compel farm employees to submit animal-abuse videos to law enforcement within 24 hours of filming — a far cry from Guernsey’s criminal ban on publication. Thomas cited a “First Amendment problem” as the reason for the change, and when asked about the gap between the House’s overwhelming vote and the Senate committee’s complete demolition, she said, “The Senate is a more deliberative body.”

As of press time, the future of the Senate’s replacement bill was uncertain. However, Guernsey appears willing to die on this hill.

In an e-mail to The Pitch, Guernsey wrote that he’s trying to put his language back in — in this bill or a future one.

“I will be ammending [sic] all Senate Ag bills with my language,” he wrote. “I do believe there is a good chance they will restore the language to the original bill. Most of it was stripped because of faulty information.

It would have been a good idea if the powers that be had called me first and it would have been cleared up. oh well!”

HB 1860 is dead; long live HB 1860 — or at least until Guernsey hits his term limit. The clock is ticking. It expires in 2016.

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the pitch

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4/6/2012 10:08:29 AM

WEEK OF MAY 10-16

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PAG E

FILM Follow Johnny Depp into the Dark Shadows.

D THURS

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5.10

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PAG E

ters: in thea A Life ss la G Ira NPR’s

CAFÉ Chiusano’s breaks the pattern at the Legends.

24 PAG E

MUSIC Get randy with Aziz Ansari at the Midland Thursday.

THIS AMERICAN NIGHT In 2009, more than 50,000 people went to see This American Life when Chicago radio station WBEZ 91.5 broadcast it live onstage to movie theaters nationwide. At 7 p.m., host Ira Glass does This American Life Live again, this time from New York City, with stories from program regulars David Sedaris and David Rakoff, comedian

F R I D AY | 5 . 11 |

Tig Notaro and Snap Judgment host Glynn Washington. Music from OK Go, dancing by Monica Bill Barnes & Company, a short film by Mike Birbiglia, and more round out the broadcast. It’s being shown in 500 U.S. and Canadian movie theaters. For a list of the seven KC-area venues, see thisamericanlife.org.

— BERRY ANDERSON

F R I D AY | 5 . 1 1 |

HO-LIGHT

It’s been about six months since Wendy Ho performed in KC, and she says she misses living here. “Kansas City: the birthplace of barbecue, blues and Bunny’s Beauty Supplies — everything a strong black woman needs to survive!” Ho tells The Pitch. The singer, rapper and urban truth-teller lays down her raunch at Social (1118 McGee, 816-472-4900) for a onenight comedy jam. Tickets cost $5, and the show starts at 9:30 p.m. For a preview, see wendyho.net.

— BERRY ANDERSON

COURT YOUR RIDE Iron Ho, a different kind of avenger

BikeWalkKC’s Bike Prom is speed-dating, bicycle-style: Score multiple dates and drop each one after a trip around the block (check the “hook me up” box continued on page 14

GIRL, LOOK AT THAT BODY

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ART CREDIT HERE

S AT U R D AY | 5 . 12 |

ocal models pimp the wares of P&L boutiques and retailers at the third annual Rock the Block Fashion Show at KC Live! (14th Street and Grand) at 8 p.m. General admission is — B.A. free for the 21-and-older event. pitch.com

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e wild Into th nder y blue o

continued from page 13 when registering to be paired up for rides).

Tickets cost $15 in advance or $20 at the door and include food from Wilma’s Real Good Food and drinks from New Belgium Brewing Co. Dress yourself and your bike for a shot at prom king or queen. Bring a tandem bike if you think you might take someone home. The party starts at 8 p.m. at EventPort (208 West 19th Street, 816-994-7311). See bikewalkkc.org for more information. — NANCY HULL RIGDON

BITES AND BUYS

Crepes, mimosas and jewelry are all available when Boozefish Wine Bar (1511 Westport Road, 816-561-5995) holds its Brunch & Browse on the second Saturday of each month showcasing a local jewelry artist. Today’s event

S AT U R D AY | 5 . 1 2 | AMY OLESON/FIDO FETCH PHOTOGRAPHY

Kansas City will be the place to be July 5-10th for All Star Week and you will not want to miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity! The game’s greatest players and fans from around the country will converge on Kauffman Stadium and downtown for All Star Week. Reach them by advertising in P All Star Guide.

The guide will include schedules of events, maps, features on KC baseball history and much more.

T

o be a part of the KC Pittie Pack, you need neither a pit bull nor pity for those who trail their canines with turd bags. “All dogs are welcome, but we are strict about our rules to ensure everyone and every dog’s safety and comfort,” says KCPP cofounder (and Pitch contributor) Crystal Wiebe.

Rules include one dog per walker, no face-toface greetings for the dogs, and no retractable leashes. Today’s pack walk commences at Penn Valley Park (meet up at the parking lot at 29th Street and Wyandotte), where introductions start at 9:15 a.m. and the walking begins 15 minutes later. “We’re not trainers, just animal lovers interested in creating a safe space to socialize our dogs,” Wiebe says. For more information, see meetup.com/kcpittiepack.

— B ERRY A NDERSON the pitch

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features handmade sterling-silver beaded jewelry from Kelly Hutchison, of Kelly’s Creations. Boxes of Annedore’s Fine Chocolates also are for sale. Brunch runs 11 a.m.-2 p.m., and shopping extends until 3. Remember: Mother’s Day is tomorrow.

— NANCY HULL RIGDON

NATTY LIGHT

The epic documentary Marley, with neverbefore-seen footage of Bob Marley and the Wailers, hit theaters and Facebook and iTunes MORE April 20. May 11 is the 31st anniversary of his death.

Mark the day locally at T A INE Californos (4124 PennsylONL .COM H C PIT vania, 816-531-7878) when the Kansas City Reggae Community presents the Music of Marley, a retrospective with covers by Jah Lion, Firehouse DJ Crew and DJ Panda. The patio show begins at 9 p.m., and the cover is $10. See californos.com.

— BERRY ANDERSON

EVENTS

HANGAR STAKE

HOT DOGS

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SATUR

The Commemorative Air Force (CAF) has restored historical aircraft housed around the country, and the Heart of America Wing is at the old Olathe Naval Air Station, now the New Century AirCenter, at 6 Aero Plaza (159th Street and U.S. Highway 56, in New Century, Kansas, 913-907-7902). At today’s Second Saturday Open Hangar Day (10 a.m.-3 p.m.), the unit’s World War II museum is free, the planes are available for viewing, and helicopter rides cost $40. Then, at 4 p.m., the hangar turns back the clock to the 1950s, with a vintage-car cruise and a “hangar hop” bopped by the Benders. That part of the day costs $20. See kcghostsquadron.squarespace.com for details.

— APRIL FLEMING

S U N D AY | 5 . 13 | POPE MEAT

The art of butchering has left traditional grocery backrooms for the spotlight. Chef Alex Pope, at the much-buzzed-about Local Pig Charcuterie (2618 Guinotte, 816-200-1639), says anyone can be a meat star, and he’s teaching home cooks some high-end skills with a series of classes. Today it’s Sausage Making 101. For $65, you learn seasoning, blending and stuffing techniques, and then

STEVE WILSON

S U N D AY | 5 . 1 3 |

KC Ballet’s first season at the Kauffman Center ends at 2 p.m. Tickets at kcballet.org. walk out with 3 pounds of premium handmade sausage. These small classes fill up quickly, but new sessions are added often, so check thelocalpig.com frequently. Today’s class runs from 1:30 to 3:30 p.m.

— APRIL FLEMING

M O N D AY | 5 . 1 4 | LETTIN’ IT FLOW

Are the words swirling in your head begging to be vocalized? Are they written on bits of paper, bar napkins and backs of receipts? Do you lack the confidence to share your creation with others? Sounds like you need the Writers Place (3607 Pennsylvania, 816-753-1090). For those wanting to ease into the literary waters, the midtown center is collaborating with the Uptown Arts Bar (3611 Broadway, 816-960-4611) for Blue Mondays, a free spoken-word open mic, the second Monday of each month. Sign up at the bar. The event lasts from 8 to 10 p.m. See writersplace.org for more information.

— BERRY ANDERSON

T U E S D AY | 5 . 15 | IF IT AIN’T METAL, IT’S CRAP

Ever seen Strangeland? It’s one sick movie.

The bodymodification horror film stars Twisted Sister vocalist and House

Twisting the night away

— B.A.

of Hair DJ Dee Snider (also the screenwriter) as Captain Howdy, a schizophrenic with a penchant for torturing teenagers. We’re pretty sure Snider won’t have murder on his mind at 7 p.m., when he talks with Rainy Day Books’ Vivien Jennings about his new book, Shut Up and Give Me the Mic, at Unity Temple (707 West 47th Street, 816-561-4466). Tickets ($26) include a guest pass and an autographed hardcover of Snider’s memoir. See rainydaybooks.com for more information.

— BERRY ANDERSON

CRAFTY QUAFF

Beer snobs, your calendar is full through May 20: It’s American Craft Beer Week.

One thing definitely on your schedule is today’s 4 p.m. tapping of spring Maibock at the Foundry (424 Westport Road, 816-960-0866) and McCoy’s Public House (4057 Pennsylvania, 816-960-0866), which includes a commemorative 20-ounce mug for $8 (full of beer, of course). Other events include Wednesday’s Boulevard Tap Takeover, Thursday’s Real Ale and Friday’s Tour de Brew. Beer Kitchen (435 Westport Road, 816-389-4180) honors the hallowed seven days all week with a three-course beer dinner for $38.

— ABBIE STUTZER

W E D N E S D AY | 5 . 16 | NERD HERD

Tonight’s version of Super Nerd Night at the Bottleneck (737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-841-5843) aims for new heights in geekiness, starting with the theme: Steampunk Hillbilly. There’s no joke here. Rather than mock, we’ll just tell you to count on games and music by the Barnes Bros., Monzie Leo & the Big Sky, and A.J. Gaither of the Fall Down Drunks. Cover is $3. For more information, turn off your browser history and search Super Nerd Night on Facebook.

— BERRY ANDERSON E-mail submissions to Filter editor Berry Anderson at calendar@pitch.com. Search our complete listings guide online at pitch.com.

pitch.com

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ART

BLOCK PARTY

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T R A C Y A BE L N

Two sisters find Tomorrow’s art in yesteryear’s mansion.

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hen George Matthew Myers had his home built, at the corner of Armour and Holmes, it was the only structure around for blocks. That’s the story told by 1905 photos of the property, kept in the Ryerson & Burnham Archives of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Designed by legendary KC architects Shepard and Farrar, 633 East Armour Boulevard has been vacant since last winter. Its latest owner, who had made significant progress restoring the three-story shingle Victorian, seems to be following in the footprints of others who have tried since 2000 to remake the place. About a year ago, he handed over the keys to his carriage-house tenant, Elizabeth Schurman, and said she could use the property “until the bank shows up.”

A mansion to play with? She wasn’t about to turn that down. (Meanwhile, the bank still hasn’t initiated foreclosure.)

Schurman, a writer who teaches language arts at Hogan Preparatory Academy, and her younger sister, Valerie Schurman, a visual artist with an art history degree from the University of Kansas, started scheming. They say they “share two brains,” and they were of one mind with their approach: Centering on Myers’ life, they would mix history, whimsy and art. Then they would show it to their friends.

“I have an emotional attachment to abandoned places in the city,” Elizabeth says. “This is a way to fill one up with happy people, laughter and dancing.”

After what she calls a “montage day” of furious sweeping, replastering walls damaged by copper thieves, and moving piles of past tenants’ discarded belongings into the defunct kitchen, the newly formed Krewe de Bastille put on a Mardi Gras ball. The sisters figured that a carnival season soiree was the perfect event for their project because Myers had been the treasurer for the Priests of Pallas for years. They filled the front parlor with paper hot-air-balloon sculptures, a tribute to the international balloon race that Myers brought to Kansas City in 1911.

Having spent 15 years or so enjoying Kansas City’s art scene, Elizabeth says she wants to share Myers Mansion with other artists as a way to give something back to the community. So she and Valerie have collaborated with other artists to ready Myers Mansion Month of Muses: three days, three kinds of artistic experiences, one majestic home.

Events at 633 East Armour begin Friday, May 11, with the Tomorrow Land exhibition (coinciding with the Troost Art Hop, a few blocks southeast). Expect contemporary visual art on walls that are probably more used to displaying the Hudson River School, plus sound presentations by Audio Collective and screenings from Kansas City Women in Film and Television.

With Tomorrow Land (the name is indeed a nod to forever-KC-linked Walt Disney), the Schurmans mean to invoke the sense that the

TRACY ABELN

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Sister act: Valerie (left) and Elizabeth Schurman future is exciting. It is, among other things, an answer to the Hunger Games-style dystopia that’s ascendant in the culture. It’s also a personal reminiscence for the Schurmans, who liken the optimism of their 1980s youth to the ambitious civic leadership practiced by Myers and other Kansas Citians who raised money for convention halls and enjoyed a bold kind of leisure — celebrated fishing trips to Cuba, say.

The house has turned out to be in relatively good shape, with trim work unmarred by paint, undamaged Italian tile around the fireplaces, and unbroken lead-glass windows that recall at a glance the Gilded Age. Back then, the son of German and Irish immigrants could leave the family’s Ohio farm, come to Kansas City at age 19 with a bit of telegraph-office experience under his belt, and rub shoulders with the likes of Jay Gould while amassing a small fortune in the communications business.

For May 18’s “Triple Whip” (the name of both a tai chi move and a swing-dance step), Steve Grave leads tai chi exercises on the house’s manicured lawn. After that, as many as 25 musicians plan to shake the walls to push a houseful of dancers across hardwood floors.

Finally, May 19, the Myers Mansion Arts Society sponsors a writers retreat. The idea is for people to experience the historic hush available in houses like this, with woodwork and natural light to inspire thought and creative industry — without the distractions of Wi-Fi or coffee-shop clatter.

There’s a long tradition of artists using spaces that no one else wants. In this pocket of Hyde Park, two sisters and their allies have a good chance, Elizabeth says, to “turn a potential eyesore and crime magnet into a gathering place for Kansas City’s thriving art community.”

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Our 63rd Year!

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A

fter the personality-free (but hugegrossing) debacle that was Alice in Wonderland, Tim Burton’s film adaptation of Dark Shadows — the 1966-71 vampire-driven daytime soap — at least shows signs of the more idioE MOR syncratic and confounding director. The nasty slashes of black humor T A E IN in Sweeney Todd and the ONL .COM PITCH dark orphan wailing in many of Burton’s superior earlier films weave in and out of view here but never take hold. Dark Shadows settles for more Burton pastiche, a campy dredging up of material perhaps better outgrown than remade.

How campy? If you’ve seen the trailer for Dark Shadows, you’ve seen a few seconds of the sex scene that pits Johnny Depp’s vampire against Eva Green’s witch in an airborne carnal frenzy. The two destroy a roomful of deeply ugly 1970s furniture while bumping and grinding to Barry White. That’s a long way from Twilight (on which we can probably blame Dark Shadows having been green-lit), yet it’s also not nearly as garish or as consistently entertaining as it should be. (It’s also somehow laughably unsexy — despite its specimens, still cosmetically appealing under untold makeup and CGI.) Burton can’t transcend the kitsch that defines his source, and the result is a big-budget, who-askedfor-this-anyway homage.

Depp is Barnabas Collins, the heir to a family fishery fortune and a centuries-old vampire. In 1768, Barnabas is cursed by a spurned servant, Angelique Bouchard (Green) — who

FILM

turns out to be a vengeful witch. After watch- Depp isn't enough nourishment. ing his spell-doomed lover Josette (Bella by this adaptation’s preposterous happenings.

Heathcote) leap to her death, Barnabas is Burton and Grahame-Smith go for easy jokes buried by vampire-fearing townspeople. Dis(with several diminished by repetition) but covered by construction workers in 1972, he’s overwhelmed by culture shock (Alice Cooper, do so in indecisive ways. See again: Depp and independent women and flairs everywhere, Green’s high-flying coitus. The film’s implicit ludicrousness might be meant to speak for man!) but resolves to restore Collinswood, his itself, but Burton could have played things ancestral home, to its former glory. His family straighter — or turned the goofy to its logiallies include Chloë Grace Moretz (so good cal amperage — and given as a vampire in Let Me In) us a much more uniformly and Michelle Pfeiffer, with Dark Shadows satisfying (or, this being Jackie Earle Haley a hapless Directed by Tim Burton.

Burton, enraging) film. manservant.

Written by Seth GrahameInstead, Dark Shadows Meanwhile, Angelique — Smith and John August. ends up a conventionally enjoying her own eternal Based on the television amusing, somewhat enjoylife — tries to win Barnabas series, written by Dan Curtis. able, mostly just confusing back, even as the vampire Starring Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena homage to a show that notries to seduce Victoria Bonham Carter, Eva Green body but die-hard cultists Winters (Heathcote again). and Bella Heathcote. even remember. But if this Psychiatrist Julia Hoffman is the film that Burton (and (Helena Bonham Carter) fellow self-avowed Dark wants to become a vamShadows die-hard cultist Depp) wanted to pire like Barnabas, and, in other nods to the make, the Donovan song cues and campfire original series (whose, like, 40,000 episodes have been reissued on DVD), there’s a teenage massacres and ghost-love sex triangles and blow-job jokes suggest that the object wasn’t werewolf, a haunted boy and a very powerto make a very good movie. It’s less about ful ghost. blackhearted thrills than it is about a pecuAdmittedly, it was probably too much liarly Burton-ish nostalgia: 1972 as a trippy, to ask of Burton and screenwriter Seth slap-happy time when you could go see Super Grahame-Smith (author of the multiplex-bound Fly at your local Smalltown USA movie thenovels Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and ater, under the hypnotic gaze of a white-faced Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) to cull vampire with a goofy British accent. Another all of the story’s plot strands into a cohesive trippy stumble into a shallow rabbit hole. something-or-other. Still, Burton’s apparent affection for Dark Shadows’ world of shrill melodrama is hampered rather than helped E-mail feedback@pitch.com

pitch.comM O M 10 - 1 6X, , 22001 0 2X T T HH E EP P IT C CH H 171 pitch.com N TAY H X X–X IT

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THE PITCH

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CAFÉ

GAME ON

Chiu sano’s challe nges the

BY

Lege nd s with elk-sau sage pi zza.

CHARLES FERRUZZA

Chiusano’s Brick Oven Pizzeria • 1713 Village West Parkway, Kansas City, Kansas, 913-299-8787. • Hours: 11 a.m.–9 p.m. Sunday–Thursday, 11 a.m.–10 p.m. Friday and Saturday. • Price: $$–$$$

estaurants, like any other kind of show business, must play to their audiences.

But that’s an art unto itself. Just ask Brian Miller. The dashing general manager of the four-month-old Chiusano’s Brick Oven Pizzeria looks like a theatrical leading man because he is one. The star of several past shows at American Heartland Theatre and New Theatre Restaurant, Miller is semiretired these days, auditioning occasionally while working full time at the pizzeria in the Legends entertainment complex.

Chiusano’s Brick Oven Pizzeria is sort of the audition process, too. The casual restaurant, located in the former Ted’s Montana Grill space, has been trying to find an audience since it opened in January. The good news for owner Robert Borberg, the brotherin-law of actress Alison Sneegas-Borberg, is that this neighborhood really needed a pizza restaurant. The bad news, in terms of creative fulfillment anyway, is that the Legends’ demographic may not have much use for fancy pizza.

Like a Broadway producer ruthlessly cutting musical numbers from a show that isn’t working, Borberg has introduced a new menu and E R MO sent some items packing.

Gosh, it’s hard to imagine that in the neighborT A E IN ONL .COM hood where Sporting PITCH Kansas City and NASCAR are the brand-name attractions, no one was ordering the foie gras pizza, but there you have it. Also dropped from the chorus: the veal and the scallops, the osso buco and the mussels.

There is a Sporting KC pizza, and it’s very good, topped with Italian sausage, garlic, Kalamata olives, mozzarella and marinated jalapeño peppers. It’s the best-selling pie in the joint.

Borberg opened the pizzeria with his wife, the former Nancy Chiusano (it’s pronounced kee-zahn-o), when they got a good deal to lease the vacant free-standing building that had been built — and very tastefully, with tile floors and Mission-style woodwork — for Ted Turner’s steakhouse chain, in 2005. The interior is still snazzy. It looks like where you’d go to fi nd a foie gras pizza. But the typical customers at Chiusano’s — at least the ones I saw on my three visits to the restaurant — are families with small children.

On the Sunday night when I first ate here, though, the soundtrack wasn’t Sesame Street but Saturday Night Fever. The satellite channel had been left on a brassy, all-disco station. I had no sooner bit into a mini-croissant (the “garlic knots” appetizer version is slathered with butter, olive oil, chopped garlic and basil) when I heard the dulcet tones of Cheryl Lynn wailing “Star Love.” I hadn’t heard it since 1980, when I watched a very

CAFÉ

ANGELA C. BOND

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looks more Jetsons than Neapolitan trattoria.

(The “brick” is the heavy, round fired object fat drag queen lip-sync to the number in that mechanically rotates inside the oven at a properly crust-scorching temperature.)

Fort Lauderdale. And I swear that I saw her A tasty Greek pizza — with feta, mozclone at Chiusano’s, eating fried ravioli in zarella and roasted red peppers — is one of a booth on the other side of the restaurant. several pizzas here that stars salty Greek “The disco music was an accident,” Miller explained later. “Someone hit the wrong but- Kalamata olives. So it’s not shocking that ton. We normally play the Coffee House rock another Mediterranean-inspired creation, a gyro sandwich, survived channel.” I don’t know that the spring menu cuts. But I want Bon Iver more than Chiusano’s Brick the menu’s ethnic sense — Cheryl Lynn when I’m at Oven Pizzeria its common sense, as far the Legends, but I’m funny Garlic knots ..........................$6 as I’m concerned — hits a that way.

9-inch Greek pizza .............$10 wall with the chicken MarBesides, the draw at 16-inch Sporting sala. The bird in this classic Chiusano’s is the pizza, KC pizza ........................... $20 French-Italian dish should which is very likable. The Pasta fagioli soup ................$6 Chicken parmesan..............$15 be lightly sautéed, never crust is remarkably light, Chicken Marsala .................$15 plunged into a Fry Daddybut Borberg says his customGelato..................................... $3 deep bath of vegetable oil. ers want to talk toppings, The nuances of the delicate not dough. The closest his Marsala wine sauce are updated menu gets to excompletely drowned in the low-rent diner otic — after Borberg learned that people will version at Chiusano’s — the restaurant’s bigduck a foie gras pie — is Kansas-raised elk gest misstep. sausage (which adorns the Snooty Coyote pie, “I thought that’s what the customers out along with bubbling brie and mozzarella).

Between the game and the “brick oven” tag here would want,” Borberg told me later.

He’s probably right, but if I skip pizza in the place’s name, I expected the room to be for poultry here, I’ll stick with the chicken fragrant with the smell of burning wood. But Chiusano’s pizza oven is the round, candy- parmesan. The moist and satisfying — and appropriately breaded and fried — chicken apple-red Remco Millennium 2000, and it

Is this pizza too fussy for KCK?

breast is typically encased in a thick, fried breading.

Borberg’s oil also stays hot for one of the desserts: the doughnutlike zeppole, made to order. The house-made bread pudding is better, so I’m glad it has earned a place on the new menu. But I’m not sure I could ever bring myself to order another cup of the house gelato, created by Michigan-based Palazzolo’s Artisan Gelato & Sorbetto. The chocolate version I tried was disappointingly gritty, and the peach-habanero was too light on the fruit and too heavy-handed with the pepper. (The company does make some terrific and more authentic Italian flavors, which Chiusano’s should consider adding.)

Meanwhile, Borberg and his staff are going to keep experimenting with different dinner dishes as nightly specials, with an eye toward another menu update. Soup season is over, but I hope the hearty pasta fagioli soup becomes a year-round offering.

Borberg’s version is one of the most beautifully seasoned bean-and-pasta soups I’ve ever tasted, and its sensitivity to flavor and balance signals that his kitchen can fi nd a strong permanent menu. Encore!

Have a suggestion for a restaurant The Pitch should review?

E-mail charles.ferruzza@pitch.com

pitch.com M AY 1 0 - 1 6 , 2 0 1 2 t h e p i t c h 19 pitch.com M O N T H X X–X X , 2 0 0 X T H E P I T C H 1

FAT C I T Y

OUT OF THE DESERT

Scott Welsch wants to make

BY

his Orange Box a food oasis.

JON AT H A N BENDER

cott Welsch excuses himself and runs outside to make sure the tires of an 18-wheeler don’t crush the newly laid brick walk outside his month-old restaurant, Orange Box. The chef watches the driver carefully execute the turn. His bricks are safe for at least one more morning.

This is life at 2700 Jarboe, where Welsch’s tiny lunch spot is tucked between houses and aging manufacturing buildings. Rainbow umbrellas and patio furniture reclaimed from his own home sit outside the restaurant, a short walk from the new Roasterie plant.

“I always wanted to have a little hole in the wall that has great food,” he says. “The people are different. People come to a hole in the wall for the experience, not for the fine china. I never wanted to be on the Plaza taking on the giants.”

At fi rst, kitchen work was just a way to help a 19-year-old St. Joseph native pay for his history and art education at the University of Missouri-Kansas City. Welsch was chopping vegetables and composing salads in the kitchen of the Hyatt Regency Crown Center but thinking about the Civil War. Soon, though, the artistry of presentation spoke more to him than a career of lecturing students. So he left history to the historians and enrolled in the Culinary Institute of America.

After graduating, in 1993, Welsch considered living in Brooklyn, but the Hyatt called. Over the better part of a decade in Kansas City, he rose there to the position of executive chef. In 2001, he left the Hyatt and spent six months cooking on the line at Café Europa, a then-new restaurant being opened by his friend Scott Cowell.

“After 15 years of everything being critical, it was just nice to show up to work in a stupid T-shirt and make something,” Welsch, now 42, says.

He also began working for a small catering company in Independence, Missouri.

In 2003, he bought Cuisine Catering and opened Metro Catering. A year later, he moved both operations to Jarboe, following

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his business clients to the downtown area.

And he began to think about his own spot, a place where food would transcend location.

“I want to inspire people with memory dishes,” he says. “When you taste something, you’ll get a flashback to some great experiences of your childhood.”

The menu is a synthesis of his life experiences and favorite dishes: pork tenderloins bigger than a plate, fried-tilapia tacos on Fridays, a Waldorf salad made with Greek yogurt. He’s also relying on his own memories. His Aunt Rose’s macaroni salad (it’s just mayo, cheddar and macaroni, but he hasn’t quite cracked the recipe) is on the menu next to a watermelon-basil-feta salad

Welsch is getting settled on Jarboe. (the combination came to him in a dream).

Welsch sees Orange Box as the start of a series of locations designed to bring homemade, fresh meals to areas that some call “food deserts” — neighborhoods lacking access to affordable, healthy food. “Everybody wants real food,” he says. “I just want to make good food in neighborhoods that don’t have it.”

The Pitch: What’s your favorite ingredient?

Welsch: Garlic — it goes with everything.

I had garlic ice cream. It was delicious. They candied it. You knew it was garlic, but it wasn’t strong. I loved a chilled garlic soup.

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Garlic is like salt and pepper and wheat. It’s the basis of our tastes.

What are your culinary inspirations?

I travel a lot. I went to Egypt last year for three weeks, and you see the difference between the way food is treated overseas and how it’s treated here. I walk into a shop in Cairo, and the brother of the meat on the counter is outside eating grass. It’s like that all over the world. Meat shouldn’t be bright, fake red. Meat should be aged. That’s where the flavor comes from. I remember the fi rst time I went to Europe. I ordered veal and sent it back because I thought it was bad. I’d just never experienced real meat. Finally, after a few times, I got it. I like people to try new things. Like bitter melon and bitter leaf from China. I served quail egg and I was shocked at how many people came in and tried it.

What’s your dream drinking or eating destination?

It was late in the evening [in Cairo], and eight of us pile in this Volkswagen station wagon. There’s an ancient old man with a beard. He looks 140 and he speaks no English.

And off we go into the night. The traffic was beyond scary. We’re headed for some place that was in The New Yorker, and we’ve been having a few drinks. It’s like driving through an old movie about Egypt. There’s housing packed in and camels and dogs everywhere.

There’s a whole herd of donkeys right in the middle of the city, and we’re moving in and out of back streets.

Finally, we pull up to the place. I get out and I have no idea where I am. It looks like a Third World lawyer’s office. We walk up three fl ights of stairs, and an entire side of the restaurant is open-air. And suddenly, there are the Great Pyramids of Gîza and the Sphinx. I still get goose bumps. We sat right next to the banister. I had an incredible meal. I can’t remember what we ate. I just remember that view. It was just perfect like no other place in the world.

Old food and new at pitch.com/fatcity

MOTHER’S DAY EVE PARTY - SAT MAY 12 with the James Ward Band featuring Bukeka Shoals drink specials and a long stem rose for the ladies 8:30-12:30 $10 cover BLUE MONDAY - MON MAY 14 Poetry open mic hosted by Sharon Eiker and the Writer’s Place 8-10 no cover WED. MAY 16 ULIT 101 “The Revolution of the Spoken Word” open mic 8:30 no cover “THE ART OF FOOD AND DRINK” THUR MAY 17 hosted

by Charles Ferruzza and featuring radio food critics in the debut of a new talk show format on what’s hot in KC dining 7:30 no cover The historic Betsy Ross Gallery features the photography of Jospeh Maino through May. UAB is signing up volunteers for the KC Fringe Festival July 19-29.

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M O N T H X X–X X , 2 0 0 X

THE PITCH

1

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21

WEEKLY RESTAURANT SPECIALS

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M AY 1 0 - 1 6 , 2 0 1 2

THE PITCH

23

MUSIC

THE MONOPHONIC SPREE

Tim DeLaughter is all

BY

about singles these days.

S A B Y R E Y E S- K UL K A R NI

t’s been almost five years since the Polyphonic Spree’s last album, 2007’s The Fragile Army, and bandleader Tim DeLaughter has no plans to release another one anytime soon. Moving forward, DeLaughter is gearing up his efforts — which include not only the Polyphonic Spree but also the acts on his label, Good Records — around singles. According to the label’s mission statement, this decision does not in any way reflect an anti-album stance. As proof, some of the artists on the Good Records roster actually do have complete albums on their agenda. But DeLaughter says stepping away from the fulllength as the standard unit of creative and commercial measurement breeds a freedom that he’s eager to pursue at this stage in his career.

“When one of our artists has an albumsized statement to make, we’ll release an album,” DeLaughter tells The Pitch. “We’re encouraging our artists to present songs to you at the speed of creativity, which doesn’t always mean waiting until you’ve finished writing and recording 10 or 12 or 15 songs. [There’s a] beauty of releasing a song at a time.”

Recent output by the choral-rock ensemble consists of a total of two songs (three if you count the December release of “It’s Christmas,” but that was recorded in 2003). For obvious reaMORE sons, scarcity of available material isn’t generally received as a good sign.

T A INE But two new songs sugONL .COM H C PIT gest that DeLaughter is hardly brushing up against the creative limits of the Polyphonic Spree's bombastic sound. DeLaughter may be parsing his work out one morsel at a time, but he appears to be on a prolific streak as he expands the boundaries of the Polyphonic Spree while chiseling away at various other projects.

Among them: Preteen Zenith, his new collaboration with multi-instrumentalist and former Tripping Daisy bandmate Phil Karnats.

Preteen Zenith arose somewhat unintentionally out of demos that DeLaughter had set aside for a solo album. Unbeknownst to him, Julie Doyle — his wife, creative partner and Poly

M US I C

PAT R I C K C O N E

I

Spree co-pilot — had sent Karnats the demos.

Karnats liked the demos and had a vision for how to record and produce the songs, which evolved into Preteen Zenith. (The solo album remains on the slate.) In addition, DeLaughter occasionally scores commercials, TV shows and feature films, such as the 2008 Zach Galifianakis vehicle Visioneers. Good Records has also recently released an archival recording of Tripping Daisy improvising in the studio.

Throughout much of this activity, the Polyphonic Spree has been on the back burner.

“We still did one-offs here and there, and there was an Australia tour,” DeLaughter explains. “In that time I wrote some songs, which I shared on our blog, where I would write a song a day and post them. Most of those are now on the new Preteen Zenith record [Rubble Guts and BB Eye] which [came] out on Record Store Day as a limited-edition release. We had no plans for the Polyphonic Spree until the guys in the band started asking about going back on tour again, so ... we’re back on tour.”

One Good Record at a time: DeLaughter But why tour at a time when the band has only two new songs?

“Does there have to be this big reason or formulated guide on when and why and how?”

DeLaughter counters.

Fair enough. In the spirit of such progressive thinking, the two new Polyphonic Spree songs — “Bullseye” and “What Would You Do?” — and, indeed, almost all of the recent songs in the Good Records catalog are supported by striking, highly imaginative videos.

Perhaps most memorable of all is “Bullseye,” an animated sequence created by Louisianabased multimedia firm Moonbot Studios. Also released as an interactive iPhone/iPad app, the video depicts, in radiant color, the life journey of a dandelion-like creature named You-Me and its struggle to find a place on the tree of life. Two-thirds in, the song vaporizes into a haunting chant of You are me, are me, are me … as the frame hovers on the closing image of

the tree with glowing life forms on its branches.

Alongside the appropriated religiosity and unrelenting optimism of past Polyphonic Spree work, the tune elegantly captures DeLaughter’s oft-quoted affinity for seeking the divine in tangible wonders (like leaves and trees). Using direct, even blunt lyrics, he somehow manages to hint at current ecological and global concerns without getting heavy-handed.

By releasing songs with concept-driven videos that pack the emotional punch of feature films, DeLaughter runs a continuous thread through the pre-album era, 1980s MTV culture and the technophilia of the moment.

That he capitalizes on the artistic potential of all three may not, in the end, be as surprising or impressive as his ability to humanize them. (And for those who lament the possible demise of the album as a culturally viable art form, it’s important to remember that the music industry started out as a singlesbased enterprise.) “We’re removing the artificial parameters from the dual experiences of creating and listening, to enhance both,” DeLaughter says.

It’s difficult to predict what shape all these ideas will take moving forward. “I have to be careful when describing future works at this point,” DeLaughter continues. “I might come off as schizophrenic when looking back. I say this because the songs could be quite different from one another.”

Very possible: Both “Bullseye” and “What Would You Do?” arguably contain more variety between them than you fi nd on any Polyphonic Spree full-length. And in accordance with the label’s new policy, both songs are available as digital downloads and as vinyl 7-inches with surprise B-sides that aren’t available in other formats.

“You won’t know what the B-side is,” DeLaughter says, “until you play it on your record player. The label on the B-side has a line that’s blank, so you can write in what song or whatever it is later. We’re trying to have some fun with the experience of records.”

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THREADZ BY HEADZ FOR THE HEADS

CLOTHING - JEWELRY ACCESSORIES - ART 1607 Westport Rd. KCMO 816-442-8400 Mon - Thurs 12-9pm • Fri - Sat 12-10pm • Sun 12-6pm

Mon - Thurs 12-9pm • Fri - Sat 12-10pm • Sun 12-6pm 24

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MUSIC | STREETSIDE

D AV I D H U D N A L L

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into a bag and firing a fistful of hard candy at an unamused westbound driver. As we neared the final turn, the surly sunburned man seated to my left chucked an entire bag — 240 pieces of candy — into the street, and five little girls collapsed on it like vultures on a Death Valley carcass.

On residential Eighth Street, the homestretch, Hispanic families waved from their yards. An elderly couple rocked back and forth on a front porch lined with green putt-puttcourse carpet. Fifty red T-shirts tumbled out of a house on the corner of Eighth and Pacific.

The after festivities were held at All Saints Church, which is a useful illustration of the shifting ethnic landscape in KCK. All Saints used to be called St. Joseph’s Parish; it functioned as a hub for Polish families in the community. But because of dwindling populations, it has merged with other ethnic congregations from the neighborhood, including St. Casimir’s (Lithuanian), St. Benedict’s (Irish) and St. Cyril’s (Slavic). All Saints is now a sort of catchall church for the Catholic European immigrants who now represent a minority in KCK. On Saturday afternoon, All Saints was also possibly the hottest, most humid, most miserable location in Kansas City. To stand in the parking lot was to get some perspective of what it might be like to be burned alive. I stood in a demoralizing food line, hungry for pierogi and povitica, and watched a polka band play.

After five minutes and no movement, I gave up. In the shade, out front on Vermont, it felt about 30 degrees cooler.

“You gotta get in that food line either before the floats show up or else wait until mass at 4 o’clock,” a 50-ish bald man in wirerimmed glasses told me. His name was Ed. “Even if you get in the door to the hall, good luck finding a place to sit and eat your food.

You need a SWAT team and dynamite to get those folks out of their seats once they find a spot.” (He was right: I returned later in the afternoon, and there was no wait. The pierogi were delicious.) Ed seemed to know a lot of

uildings with names like El Ranchero Discount Liquor, La Fe En Jesucristo, and El Pollo Guasave bracket Central Avenue in Kansas City, Kansas. Family Dollar and Boost Mobile are here, but these days, there's hardly a Kowalcyzk’s Sausage Shop or a Bobak’s Europa Deli to be found. No matter: Last Saturday afternoon, the street swelled with the dizzy rattle of the Polski Day parade.

Most cities block off the streets for large ethnic parades, but Kansas City, Kansas, is, of course, not like most cities. Was this oversight just the latest example of Legends-happy Wyandotte County neglecting its historic neighborhoods? Or was it inattentive planning on the part of the event organizers? A discussion for another day. Red-clad celebrators glided southeast down Central Avenue on trucks and floats; across the yellow line, frustrated motorists leaned out their windows and squinted at the gridlock ahead. More than once, I saw children scurry out into live traffic in the pursuit of candy. The proceedings were gritty and joyous and semi-legal — a heightened version of everyday life in KCK. My vantage point was an old chair atop a flatbed trailer affixed to a Dish Network truck: the Johnnie’s float. Upon arriving in KCK, I called Chris O’Connor. He’s a good guy to know in general — the man is a great connector of people — but particularly so when it comes to navigating Wyandotte County, which is home to the bar he owns, Johnnie’s on 7th.

“We’re at 18th and Central, and we’ve got an open spot on the float,” he told me.

“Come on down.”

I ditched my car somewhere around 13th Street and boarded the float midparade. A garrulous white-haired man named Al thrust a Hamm’s can and a red plastic cup at me. The trailer bed was littered with large bags of cheap candy that O’Connor had purchased at Restaurant Depot. Other marchers and vehicles were politely tossing Tootsie Rolls and suckers to the parade onlookers. The Johnnie’s crowd took a more aggressive approach.

“Happy Polski Day,” Al yelled, digging

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Polski Day in the ’Dotte

BY

D AV ID HUDN A L L

Sadly, not pictured: Polish Elvis folks at Polski Day. He lives in Shawnee now but grew up “on the Hill.”

“I once saw Ted Nugent destroy a vase with a guitar note at Memorial Hall,” he told me.

“It was sitting on top of an amplifier, and he was playing guitar and he built up to it, and when he hit the last note, the thing absolutely shattered.”

A truck containing Polish Elvis, who wears a bright-red jumpsuit, wheeled by. “The guy’s a drunk,” Ed said, puffing on a Marlboro Light.

“A couple years back on Polski Day, he was shitfaced in the afternoon and hanging all over the women.”

Three Sisters of Mercy, wearing light-blue habits, walked past and stopped to talk.

They’d come over from France. Where were we from? Around here. Kansas City. Johnnie’s, over on Seventh Street, ever heard of it? They’d not had the pleasure. “It was nice to speak with a nun who hadn’t physically beaten me,” Ed said after they left.

As a family-friendly, food-oriented event, Polski Day seemed a success. As a party, the general consensus was that it’s less rowdy and robust these days. Frank’s Place, a tavern at the corner of Eighth and Central, used to be the drunken northern hub of the festivities, but it closed a few years back. ”The party’s smaller anymore,” O’Connor said. He was wearing a red T-shirt with “Polska Day 2002” stamped on the left breast.

Back at Johnnie’s, talk turned to the Kentucky Derby. Ed wasn’t interested in the friendly, rinky-dink bets floating around the bar. He spoke of a nearby establishment where you could win some real money on the Derby.

What’s the place called?

“Are you going to write this in your paper?”

Off the record.

He sipped at his beer and gave me a sideways glance. He shook his head.

“I forget the name,” he said.

E-mail david.hudnall@pitch.com pitch.com

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MUSIC

RADAR

M U S I C F O R E CAST

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Other shows worth seeing this week.

D AV ID HUDN A L L

T H U R S D AY, M AY 10 Jason D. Williams: 8 p.m. Knuckleheads Saloon, 2715 Rochester

F R I D AY, M AY 11 Jason Boland & the Stragglers, the Damn Quails: The Granada, 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence Chris Botti: The Midland, 1228 Main Miranda Lambert, Chris Young, Jerrod Neimann: Sprint Center, 1407 Grand Corey Stevens: Knuckleheads Saloon, 2715 Rochester

S AT U R D AY, M AY 12

Friends in places low (Deer Tick, left) and high (Tennis)

Tennis, with Vacationer

Hoo boy, it was easy to hate that Tennis debut before hearing so much as a note of it. The Denver duo’s buzz-generating backstory — cute couple buy a sailboat; travel up and down the Eastern Seaboard; write songs together; get married; then release an album called, oh my God, Cape Dory — makes me want to move to Montana and start writing my manifesto.

But I listened. It’s my job. And the band’s sunny indie pop (lots of plinking pianos and trendy fuzz) was not as grotesquely precious as I’d suspected. Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney produced Tennis’ recently released sophomore album, Young and Old, and he has introduced some vigor and gravity to the twee.

The simple, soulful single “Petition” is one of the most likable pop songs I’ve heard in 2012.

Saturday, May 12, at RecordBar (1020 Westport Road, 753-5207)

High Diving Ponies, with Enemy Airship

Suspended in Liquid, the latest release from locals High Diving Ponies, is out this week.

It’s a fuzzy blast of noise-rock that ought to please the cassette crowd. Joining them is Enemy Airship, a relatively new indie-rock act out of Columbia that draws equal influence from Broken Social Scene and the dark British melodies of the 1980s underground.

Friday, May 11, at the Replay Lounge (946 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-7676)

Explore Tattoos Launch Party

Do you ever drive around and wonder how so many tattoo studios can exist — and

survive — in this city? Apparently, business is good. This Friday, a loose coalition of tattoo artists — from shops like Irezumi, Hearts Anchor, Grimms, Headless Hands, and Rose — gather at the Beaumont Club to celebrate the launch of exploretattoos.com, an online network aimed at connecting ink enthusiasts with information and photos from local skin artists. A smattering of local bands is slated to perform: Now Now Sleepyhead, Hidden Pictures, Maps for Travelers, the Atlantic, and O Giant Man. Friday, May 11, at the Beaumont Club (4050 Pennsylvania, 816-561-2560)

Spring Into Summer

School’s out! Celebrate with a marathon party at the Replay with some Lawrence favorites (and a few KC acts as well). Outside on 10th Street between Massachusetts and New Hampshire, from 4:30 to 10 p.m., see the Recessionists, the Hips, Approach, Fourth of July and Hearts of Darkness. Head inside after to close out the night with JabberJosh, Dry Bonnet, Nature Boys, Mouthbreathers and Up the Academy.

Saturday, May 12, at the Replay Lounge (946 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-7676)

Deer Tick

Since frontman John McCauley formed Deer Tick back in 2004, the Rhode Island act has made its hay serving up alt-country tunes adorned with a charming, drunken swagger. On last year’s Divine Providence, the band made the leap to full-on booze-

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hound bar band: faster, sweatier, and even more overtly inspired by bourbon and Lucky Strikes. There are traces of Exile-era Rolling Stones but also nods to a more modern kind of rock rowdiness, perhaps most apparent in the title of Deer Tick’s just-released EP, Tim — a wink and a nod to the Replacements.

Tuesday, May 15, at the Granada (1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-842-1390)

À la fellow comedian Louis C.K., Aziz Ansari — the hilarious guy in Parks and Recreation, Scrubs, Human Giant, Funny People and a bunch of other things — is selling his most recent stand-up special, Dangerously Delicious, straight to fans online for $5. He has already moved on to new material, though, which he performs here as part of his "Buried Alive" tour.

Thursday, May 10, at the Midland (1228 Main, 816-283-9921)

Taj Mahal Trio, with Anders Osborne

Worldly bluesman Taj Mahal turns 70 years old May 17. Mere hours before (and, if we’re lucky, perhaps well into his birthday), he’ll be playing a set at Knuckleheads with his Taj Mahal Trio. Opening is Anders Osborne, a Swedish-born, New Orleans-based darling of the roots-blues scene.

Wednesday, May 16, at Knuckleheads Saloon (2715 Rochester, 816-483-1456)

K E Y

.................................. Disturbing Body Piercings

......................................................Whiskey Pulls

..............................................Indie Leisure Class

................................................. So Many Sleeves

.............................. Jokes About Thread Counts

...................................................... Adorableness

....................................................Heavy Drinking

...........................................................Millennials

.................................................. Locally Sourced

.................................................See You Next Fall

......................................................Living Legend

...........................................................Shoegazin'

................................................... Cigarette Voice

....................................................... Globalization

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S U N D AY, M AY 13 Joe Pug, Bailiff, David Burchfield & the Great Stop: 7 p.m. RecordBar, 1020 Westport Rd.

M O N D AY, M AY 1 4 Bella Muerte, What Dwells Within, the Faded Age, Shed the Dreamer: The Bottleneck, 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence.

Heather Thornton, Daymoths, Maryam El-Sherif: 9 p.m. RecordBar, 1020 Westport Rd.

T U E S D AY, M AY 15

Aziz Ansari

..................................................Pick of the Week

the pitch

An Evening of Jazz: Christ Church, 5500 W. 91st St., Overland Park Blouse: Jackpot Music Hall, 943 Massachusetts, Lawrence Heritage Philharmonic Concert: 7:30 p.m. Woods Chapel United Methodist Church, 4725 N.E. Lakewood Way, Lee’s Summit Delbert McClinton: Knuckleheads Saloon, 2715 Rochester The Polyphonic Spree, New Fumes, Sweet Lee Morrow: The Granada, 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence

pitch.com

The Dropout Boogie: 10 p.m., free, The Gusto Lounge, 504 Westport Rd. Trampled Under Foot: B.B.’s Lawnside BBQ, 1205 E. 85th St.

W E D N E S D AY, M AY 16 Marilyn Manson, the Pretty Reckless: Uptown Theater, 3700 Broadway Trampled by Turtles, Brown Bird: The Granada, 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence

FUTURECAST George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic: Fri., May 18, Crossroads KC at Grinders Daughtry, Safetysuit, Mike Sanchez: Fri., May 18, The Midland Mayer Hawthorne & the County, the Stepkids: Mon., May 21, the Granada Creed: Mon., May 21; Tue., May 22, the Midland Van Halen: Tue., May 22, Sprint Center Xiu Xiu, Dirty Beaches: Tue., May 22, 9 p.m. Jackpot Music Hall Avicii: Thu., May 24, Sprint Center Dirty Dozen Brass Band, Orgone, Sierra Leone’s Refugee All Stars: Thu., May 24, Crossroads KC at Grinders Best Coast, Jeff the Brotherhood: Sun., May 27, the Granada Heartless Bastards: Tue., May 29, the Granada New Edition: Fri., June 1, Sprint Center KC Music Festival featuring Wiz Khalifa, Flo Rida, 3OH!3, Matisyahu, DEV, New Boyz, Outasight, Morgan Page, and more: Fri., June 1; Sat., June 2, Berkley Riverfront Park Buzz Beach Ball featuring Foster the People, Sublime with Rome, the Shins, Flogging Molly, Metric, the Kooks, the Joy Formidable, the Dirty Heads, Kimbra, the Antlers: Sat., June 2, 3:30 p.m., Livestrong Sporting Park Colbie Caillat and Gavin DeGraw: Sat., June 23, 4:30 p.m.

Starlight Theatre Def Leppard, Poison, Lita Ford: Wed., June 27, Sprint Center Girl Talk: Sat., June 16, KC Live! Stage at the Power & Light District Il Divo: Thu., Aug. 16, Starlight Theatre

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~ Tickets On Sale Saturday, May 12 at Noon! ~

Tickets available at all Ticketmaster outlets, www.Ticketmaster.com or charge by phone 800-745-3000. pitch.com

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KC MUSIC MOLLE SCION PRESENTS:

F EST I VA L

WIZ KHALIFA FLO RIDA | 3OH!3

MATISYAHU | NEW BOYZ DEV | MORGAN PAGE YELAWOLF | 2 LIVE CREW BREATHE CAROLINA | YOLANDA BE COOL OUTASIGHT | XV | NINA SKY | MATT DAREY JUMP SMOKERS | HYPER CRUSH

Send submissions to Clubs Editor Abbie Stutzer by e-mail (abbie.stutzer@pitch.com), fax (816-756-0502) or phone (816-218-6926).

Continuing items must be resubmitted monthly.

T H U R S D AY 10 ROCK/POP/INDIE The Brick: 1727 McGee, 816-421-1634. Open mic with Chris Tady, Third Seven.

Harleys & Horses: 7210 N.E. 43rd St., 816-452-2660. Original Rock Showcase, 9 p.m.

Kanza Hall: 7300 W. 119th St., Overland Park, 913-451-0444.

Drew6.

RecordBar: 1020 Westport Rd., 816-753-5207. Whalen Reads the Manuel, Rev Gusto, the Sluts, 9 p.m.

Replay Lounge: 946 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-7676.

Dean Monkey & the Dropouts, the Empty Spaces, Doubleplus, 10 p.m.

BLUES/FUNK/SOUL B.B.’s Lawnside BBQ: 1205 E. 85th St., 816-822-7427. John Paul’s Flying Circus.

Fat Fish Blue: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-3474. Brock Alexander.

Jazz: 1823 W. 39th St., 816-531-5556. Grand Marquis.

Knuckleheads Saloon: 2715 Rochester, 816-483-1456. Jason D. Williams, 8 p.m.

Mike Kelly’s Westsider: 1515 Westport Rd., 816-931-9417.

Blues Jam. The Phoenix Jazz Club: 302 W. Eighth St., 816-221-5299. Solo with Mark Montgomery, 7 p.m.

Trouser Mouse: 625 N.W. Mock Ave., Blue Springs, 816-2201222. Rich Berry.

ROOTS/COUNTRY/BLUEGRASS Coda: 1744 Broadway, 816-569-1747. The Fall Down Drunks, Adam Lee, Tyler Gregory, A.J. Gaither.

DJ Avalon Ultra Lounge: 5505 N.E. Antioch, 816-452-CLUB. Thorough Thursdays with DJ Double U, Phat Boi. The Bottleneck: 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-8415483. Goomba Rave, with Team Bear Club.

Dark Horse Tavern: 4112 Pennsylvania, 816-931-3663. DJ Beatbroker.

Jackpot Music Hall: 943 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-8321085. Cyrus D and Modrey Hepburn.

Mosaic Lounge: 1331 Walnut, 816-679-0076. Service Industry Night.

Saints Pub + Patio: 9720 Quivira, Lenexa, 913-492-3900. DJ Brad Sager.

The Well: 7421 Broadway, 816-361-1700. ’80s Night with DJ Ashton Martin, all proceeds benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, 9 p.m., $5 donation.

HIP-HOP Jazzhaus: 926-1/2 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-1387.

Chirpin’! Hip-Hop at the Jazz featuring live music and local hip-hop MCs and DJs. The Riot Room: 4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179. NewSENSE, Sir Adams, Tim York.

FILO & PERI | IRV DA PHENOM | IGGY AZALEA

JAZZ

SECRET PANDA SOCIETY | LENNY MINK

The Blue Room: 1616 E. 18th St., 816-474-8463. The Sons of Brasil.

Great Day Café: 7921 Santa Fe Dr., Overland Park, 913-6429090. Customer Quartet, 7 p.m.

Tickets Start at $49

30+ REGIONAL & EMERGING EDM ARTISTS

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WORLD The Levee: 16 W. 43rd St., 816-561-2821. Live Reggae with AZ-ONE.

DRUNKEN DISTRACTIONS Bleachers Bar & Grill: 210 S.W. Greenwich Dr., Lee’s Summit, 816-623-3410. Ladies’ Night.

The Bottleneck: 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-8415483. Femme Assassin Guy, 8 p.m.

Bulldog: 1715 Main, 816-421-4799. Brodioke, 9 p.m.

Buzzard Beach: 4110 Pennsylvania, 816-753-4455. Trivia, Ladies’ Night, 7 p.m.

Double Nickel Bar: 189 S. Rogers, Ste. 1614, Olathe, 913-3900363. Texas Hold ’em.

Ernie Biggs Dueling Piano Bar: 4115 Mill, 816-561-2444. “You Sing It” Live Band Karaoke.

Fuel: 7300 W. 119th St., Overland Park, 913-451-0444. Bike Night with the Star Blues Band.

Hamburger Mary’s: 101 Southwest Blvd., 816-842-1919. Charity Bingo with Valerie Versace, 8 p.m., $1 per game.

Hotel: 1300 Grand, 816-226-3232. Back to the Hotel with DJ Mike Scott, champagne specials, 9 p.m., free.

Hurricane Allie’s Bar and Grill: 5541 Merriam Dr., Shawnee, 913-217-7665. Ultimate DJ Karaoke, 8:30 p.m.

Improv Comedy Club and Dinner Theater: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-5233. Tommy Davidson, 7:30 p.m.

Jake’s Place Bar and Grill: 12001 Johnson Dr., Shawnee, 913-962-5253. Trivia.

Johnny’s Tavern: 13410 W. 62nd Terr., Shawnee, 913-962-5777.

Live Trivia, 9 p.m.

Johnny’s Tavern: 8262 Mission, Prairie Village, 913-901-0322.

Boogie Bingo, 8 p.m.

JR’s Place: 20238 W. 151st St., Olathe, 913-254-1307. Karaoke with Mad Mike, 9:30 p.m.

Marquee Lounge: 1400 Main, 816-474-4545. 4 to 7 Cocktail Hour, 4 p.m.; Thursday West Coast Retro Dance Nights.

McFadden’s Sports Saloon: 1330 Grand, 816-471-1330. All in Thursdays.

Michael’s Lakewood Pub: N. 291 Hwy. and Lakewood Blvd., Lee’s Summit, 816-350-7300. DJ Pure, beer pong, pitcher specials, 9 p.m.

Missie B’s: 805 W. 39th St., 816-561-0625. Karaoke on the main floor, 10 p.m.

MoJo’s Bar & Grill: 1513 S.W. Hwy. 7, Blue Springs. Pool and dart leagues; happy hour, free pool, 4-6 p.m.

Quasimodo: 12056 W. 135th St., Overland Park, 913-239-9666. ABCs MORE of Improv Comedy Show, 10 p.m.

RecordBar: 1020 Westport Rd., 816753-5207. Trivia Clash, 7 p.m.

S The Red Balloon: 10325 W. 75th ING LIST E AT St., Overland Park, 913-962-2330.

IN ONL M Karaoke, 8 p.m., free.

PITCH.CO Saints Pub + Patio: 9720 Quivira, Lenexa, 913-492-3900. Ladies’ Night.

Smokehouse Bar-B-Que: 6304 N. Oak, Gladstone, 816-4544500. Happy hour, 4-6 p.m.

The Velvet Dog: 400 E. 31st St., 816-753-9990. Skeeball League Night.

Westport Flea Market: 817 Westport Rd., 816-931-1986. Trivia, 9 p.m.

CLUB

EASY LISTENING Jerry’s Bait Shop: 13412 Santa Fe Trail Dr., Lenexa, 913-8949676. Interactive Acoustic with Jason Kayne, 9 p.m.

OPEN MIC/JAM SESSIONS Czar: 1531 Grand, 816-421-0300. Vi Tran & Katy Gilchrist’s Jam Session, 10 p.m.

Double T’s Roadhouse: 1421 Merriam Ln., Kansas City, Kan., 913-432-5555. Blues Jam hosted by RocknRick’s Boogie Leggin’ Blues Band, 7 p.m.

The Indie on Main: 1228 Main, 816-283-9900. Open Mic, Low Dough Beer Night, 8 p.m.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 302 S.W. Main, Lee’s Summit, 816-525-1871.

Jerry’s Jam Night, 9 p.m.

REGGAE Afrobeat: 9922 Holmes, 816-943-6333. Reggae Rockers, 10 p.m.

VA R I E T Y The Brick: 1727 McGee, 816-421-1634. KC Songwriter Forum, 7-9 p.m., free.

F R I D AY 11 ROCK/POP/INDIE Bar West: 7174 Renner Rd., Shawnee, 913-248-9378. Travelers Guild.

Californos: 4124 Pennsylvania, 816-531-7878. Victor & Penny, BongoTini.

Clarette Club: 5400 Martway, Mission, 913-384-0986. The M80s.

Coda: 1744 Broadway, 816-569-1747. Man Bear, Cody Ross & the Happy Halloween, Drew Black.

Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club: 3402 Main, 816-753-1909.

Interstate Astronauts, Supermassive Black Holes, 10 p.m.

Harleys & Horses: 7210 N.E. 43rd St., 816-452-2660. Under the Covers.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 302 S.W. Main, Lee’s Summit, 816-525-1871.

Mexican Meltdown Beach Party with Switch.

The Riot Room: 4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179. Toology.

BLUES/FUNK/SOUL B.B.’s Lawnside BBQ: 1205 E. 85th St., 816-822-7427. Doug MacLeod.

Fat Fish Blue: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-3474. Justin Andrew Murray.

Jazz: 1859 Village West Pkwy., Kansas City, Kan., 913-3280003. Cold Sweat.

Jazzhaus: 926-1/2 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-1387.

The Majestics Rhythm Revue.

Knuckleheads Saloon: 2715 Rochester, 816-483-1456.

Michelle McBride; Corey Stevens.

The Phoenix Jazz Club: 302 W. Eighth St., 816-221-5299.

Lonnie McFadden, 4:30 p.m.; Lonnie Ray Blues Band, 9 p.m.

Trouser Mouse: 625 N.W. Mock Ave., Blue Springs, 816-2201222. Lonesome Hank & the Heartaches.

ROOTS/COUNTRY/BLUEGRASS Czar: 1531 Grand, 816-421-0300. Jennifer Lawless, Dan Coyle, Amy Farrand, 6 p.m.

The Granada: 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-842-1390.

Jason Boland & the Stragglers, the Damn Quails.

Sprint Center: 1407 Grand, 816-283-7300. Miranda Lambert, Chris Young, Jerrod Neimann.

VA R I E T Y The Beaumont Club: 4050 Pennsylvania, 816-561-2560.

Explore Tattoos Launch Party with Maps for Travelers, the Atlantic, O Giant Man, Hidden Pictures, Now Now Sleepyhead, ExploreTattoos.com launch party, 7 p.m.

Czar: 1531 Grand, 816-421-0300. Waiting for Signal, Hostage Revolt, Brent Windler, a benefit for the KCMO Animal Shelter; acoustic show, 8 p.m.

Kansas City Public Library, Plaza Branch: 4801 Main, 816701-3481. Gustafer Yellowgold’s Show, 6:30 p.m.

Jake’s Place Bar and Grill: 12001 Johnson Dr., Shawnee, 913962-5253. Live music.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 302 S.W. Main, Lee’s Summit, 816-525-1871.

Voice of Reason.

The Kickstand: 10817 E. Truman Rd., Independence, 816-2522560. The Somebodies, 9 p.m.

RecordBar: 1020 Westport Rd., 816-753-5207. Tennis, Vacationer, 9 p.m., $10, $12.

The Riot Room: 4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179. The Royalty, the Latenight Callers, 8 p.m.

River’s Bend: 2 Main, Parkville. Parkville City Limits, 8 p.m.

S AT U R D AY 12

BLUES/FUNK/SOUL

DJ

ROCK/POP/INDIE

77 South: 5041 W. 135th St., Leawood, 913-742-7727. DJ BFame.

Club Monaco: 334 E. 31st St., 816-753-5990. DJ Soap.

Hotel: 1300 Grand, 816-226-3232. Rockwell Fridays with Salvatore Palazzolo featuring the Jukebox Heroes (DJ Mike Scott and Spinstyles).

Jake’s Place Bar and Grill: 12001 Johnson Dr., Shawnee, 913-962-5253. DJ night.

The Quaff: 1010 Broadway, 816-471-1918. DJ Chris.

Saints Pub + Patio: 9720 Quivira, Lenexa, 913-492-3900. DJ Naylor.

The Brick: 1727 McGee, 816-421-1634. The B’Dinas, Jorge Arana Trio, the Prolific.

The Brooksider: 6330 Brookside Plz., 816-363-4070. The Zeros.

Coda: 1744 Broadway, 816-569-1747. Vehicle, John Keck, Elsa Rae, Chas Felkins, Camroy Ivory, 9 p.m.

Czar: 1531 Grand, 816-421-0300. The Electric Lungs, I Heard a Lion, Fullbloods, Steady States, 9 p.m.

The Granada: 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-842-1390.

The Polyphonic Spree, New Fumes, Sweet Lee Morrow.

B.B.’s Lawnside BBQ: 1205 E. 85th St., 816-822-7427. Mama Ray Jazz Meets Blues Jam, 2 p.m.; Henry Clay, 9 p.m.

Czar: 1531 Grand, 816-421-0300. Jorge Lopez, Scott Moyer, 5 p.m.

The Hideout: 6948 N. Oak Tfwy., 816-468-0550. The Groove Pilots.

Jazz: 1859 Village West Pkwy., Kansas City, Kan., 913-3280003. Lonnie Ray Band.

Jazzhaus: 926-1/2 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-1387.

The Band that Saved the World.

KC Event Center: 8625 Troost. Jeremih.

Mike Kelly’s Westsider: 1515 Westport Rd., 816-931-9417. The Good Sam Club.

The Phoenix Jazz Club: 302 W. Eighth St., 816-221-5299. Tim Whitmer & KC Express, 4:30 p.m.; the Brody Buster Band, 9 p.m.

Trouser Mouse: 625 N.W. Mock Ave., Blue Springs, 816-2201222. Terry Quiett.

ROOTS/COUNTRY/BLUEGRASS Coda: 1744 Broadway, 816-569-1747. Jeff Smithmier, 7 p.m.

Harleys & Horses: 7210 N.E. 43rd St., 816-452-2660. The Scott Ford Band, Rivertown, 9 p.m.

RecordBar: 1020 Westport Rd., 816-753-5207. The Blackbird Revue, 6 p.m.

DJ 77 South: 5041 W. 135th St., Leawood, 913-742-7727. Craig Loftis.

Beer Kitchen: 435 Westport Rd., 816-389-4180. Furious Palace.

The Eighth Street Taproom: 801 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-841-6918. DJ Candlepants.

Hotel: 1300 Grand, 816-226-3232. Salvatore Palazzolo with DJ Mike Scott, 9 p.m.

Nara: 1617 Main, 816-221-6272. Samurai Saturdays.

HIP-HOP The Foundry: 424 Westport Rd., 816-960-0866. Funky First 2 Fridays with DJ Leo Night Us, 11 p.m.

Jackpot Music Hall: 943 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-832-1085. Royce Diamond.

McCoy’s Public House: 4057 Pennsylvania, 816-960-0866.

Funky First 2 Fridays with DJ Leo Night Us, 11 p.m.

ACOUSTIC Mike Kelly’s Westsider: 1515 Westport Rd., 816-931-9417.

Eddie Delahunt.

JAZZ The Blue Room: 1616 E. 18th St., 816-474-8463. Book of Gia, 8:30 p.m.

Californos: 4124 Pennsylvania, 816-531-7878. Rich Hill.

Lucky Brewgrille: 5401 Johnson Dr., Mission, 913-403-8571.

Ron Carlson Trio.

The Midland: 1228 Main, 816-283-9900. Chris Botti.

Nica’s 320: 320 Southwest Blvd., 816-471-2900. The Sons of Brasil.

Take Five Coffee + Bar: 5336 W. 151st St., Overland Park, 913-948-5550. Roger Wilder.

Thai Place: 9359 W. 87th St., Overland Park, 913-649-5420.

Jerry Hahn.

WORLD Blvd. Nights: 2805 Southwest Blvd., 816-931-6900. Good Fridays: International Party Experience, 10 p.m.

DRUNKEN DISTRACTIONS Bleachers Bar & Grill: 210 S.W. Greenwich Dr., Lee’s Summit, 816-623-3410. Karaoke, DJ, drink specials.

The Bottleneck: 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-841-5483. Femme Assassin Guy, 8 p.m.

ComedyCity at Westport Flea Market: 817 Westport Rd., 816-842-2744. Major League Improv, 7:30 p.m.

Cronin’s Bar and Grill: 12227 W. 87th St. Pkwy., Lenexa, 913-322-1000. Karaoke with Jim Bob, 9 p.m.

Hurricane Allie’s Bar and Grill: 5541 Merriam Dr., Shawnee, 913-217-7665. Ultimate DJ Karaoke, 8:30 p.m.

Improv Comedy Club and Dinner Theater: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-5233. Tommy Davidson, 7:30 & 9:45 p.m.

The Indie on Main: 1228 Main, 816-283-9900. Ladies’ Night, Low Dough lady specials, 10 p.m.

JR’s Place: 20238 W. 151st St., Olathe, 913-254-1307. Debbioke, 9:30 p.m.

KC Live! Block at the Power & Light District: 14th St. and Grand. Downtown Is Happy, 4 p.m.; Rock the Block Fashion Show, 8 p.m.

Marquee Lounge: 1400 Main, 816-474-4545. 4 to 7 Cocktail Hour, 4 p.m.; Famous Friday Happy Hour.

Missie B’s: 805 W. 39th St., 816-561-0625. The Early Girlie Show, 8 p.m., free; Ab Fab Fridays on the main floor, 10 p.m.

MoJo’s Bar & Grill: 1513 S.W. Hwy. 7, Blue Springs. Happy hour, free pool, 4-6 p.m.

The Red Balloon: 10325 W. 75th St., Overland Park, 913-962-2330. Karaoke, 8 p.m., free.

Retro Downtown Drinks & Dance: 1518 McGee, 816-421-4201. Trivia Riot, 7 p.m.

Shark Bar: 1340 Grand, 816-442-8140. Enchantment Under the Sea, 7 p.m.

Sharks: 10320 Shawnee Mission Pkwy., Merriam, 913-268-4006. Dart tournament, 8 p.m.

Smokehouse Bar-B-Que: 6304 N. Oak, Gladstone, 816-454-4500. Happy hour, 4-6 p.m.

SINGER-SONGWRITER RecordBar: 1020 Westport Rd., 816-753-5207. Drag the River, Joey Cape, Chad Rex and the Victorstands, 9 p.m.

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Each week, Pitch Street Team cruises around to the hottest clubs, bars and concerts. You name it, we will be there. While we are out, we hand out tons of cool stuff. So look for the Street Team...

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5/10: Drew Six 5/17: Scott Perry Band 5/24: John Joiner Band

oneblocksouthkc.com 913-451-044

Pizza Bar: 1320 Grand, 816-221-8466. DJ Parle presents Extra Cheese, reservation only.

The Quaff: 1010 Broadway, 816-471-1918. DJ Chris.

The Riot Room: 4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179. Wake Up in Your Makeup, 10 p.m.

Saints Pub + Patio: 9720 Quivira, Lenexa, 913-492-3900. DJ Brad Sager.

The Union of Westport: 421 Westport Rd. Konsept, HoodNasty, NMEZEE, Gent, West.End.Grl, Sigrah, El Nomada.

VooDoo Lounge: Harrah’s Casino, 1 Riverboat Dr., North Kansas City, 816-472-7777. DJ Diverse.

JAZZ The Blue Room: 1616 E. 18th St., 816-474-8463. Darcus.

Christ Church: 5500 W. 91st St., Overland Park. An Evening of Jazz.

Jazz: 1823 W. 39th St., 816-531-5556. Midtown Quartet.

Spirit of Hope MCC: 3801 Wyandotte, 816-931-0750. The Mighty Mo Combo.

Take Five Coffee + Bar: 5336 W. 151st St., Overland Park, 913948-5550. Rich Wheeler Quartet.

The Phoenix Jazz Club: 302 W. Eighth St., 816-221-5299.

Second Sunday FUNdays: Gina and Chloe McFadden, 3 p.m.

ROOTS/COUNTRY/BLUEGRASS Trouser Mouse: 625 N.W. Mock Ave., Blue Springs, 816-2201222. Jeff Crosby and the Refugees.

DJ Hamburger Mary’s: 101 Southwest Blvd., 816-842-1919.

Recycled music with Brett Dietrich, 3:30 p.m.

ACOUSTIC Tomfooleries: 612 W. 47th St., 816-753-0555. Phil and Gary, 9 p.m.

JAZZ Californos: 4124 Pennsylvania, 816-531-7878. Rich Hill.

The Majestic Restaurant: 931 Broadway, 816-221-1888. Mark Lowrey Jazz Trio open jam session, 5 p.m.

CLASSICAL Woods Chapel United Methodist Church: 4725 NE Lakewood Way, Lee’s Summit, 816-795-8848. Heritage Philharmonic Concert, 7:30 p.m.

COMEDY Missie B’s: 805 W. 39th St., 816-561-0625. Dirty Dorothy on the main floor, 10 p.m.

DRUNKEN DISTRACTIONS The Bottleneck: 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-8415483. Femme Assassin Guy, 8 p.m.

ComedyCity at Westport Flea Market: 817 Westport Rd., 816-842-2744. Major League Improv, 7:30 p.m.

Hamburger Mary’s: 101 Southwest Blvd., 816-842-1919. Charity Bingo, 5 p.m.

Hurricane Allie’s Bar and Grill: 5541 Merriam Dr., Shawnee, 913-217-7665. Ultimate DJ Karaoke, 8:30 p.m.

Improv Comedy Club and Dinner Theater: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-5233. Tommy Davidson, 7 & 9:45 p.m.

The Indie on Main: 1228 Main, 816-283-9900. Karaoke with KJ David, 9:30 p.m.

Johnny’s Tavern: 6765 W. 119th St., Leawood, 913-451-4542.

Trivia Bingo, 9 p.m.

Marquee Lounge: 1400 Main, 816-474-4545. Saturday Night Dance Showcase.

MoJo’s Bar & Grill: 1513 S.W. Hwy. 7, Blue Springs. Happy hour, free pool, 1-4 p.m.

The Red Balloon: 10325 W. 75th St., Overland Park, 913-9622330. Karaoke, 8 p.m., free.

Smokehouse Bar-B-Que: 6304 N. Oak, Gladstone, 816-4544500. Happy hour, 4-6 p.m.

The Union of Westport: 421 Westport Rd. Chillin’ and Grillin’ Dayparty Cookout, weekly DJs, bands and $1 yard beers, 6-10 p.m.

Wallaby’s Grill and Pub: 9562 Lackman, Lenexa, 913-5419255. Karaoke, 9 p.m.

REGGAE Californos: 4124 Pennsylvania, 816-531-7878. Bob Marley celebration with Jah Lion, Firehouse DJ-Crew, Fire Dancers, 10 p.m.

VA R I E T Y Aftershock Bar & Grill: 5240 Merriam Dr., Merriam, 913-3845646. Meow Mixer Animal Charity Benefit with Adam Lee and the Dead Horse Sound Company, Crybaby Ranch, Old Country Death, Miss Major and Her Minor Mood Swings, Black Bonnet Ballyhoo, Sky Smeed; vendors, raffles, food, and more. All proceeds benefit Spay & Neuter Kansas City.

Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club: 3402 Main, 816-753-1909.

Hopeless Destroyers, Sleep Agent, BOD, Mr. Marco’s V7, the Brannock Device, medical benefit for musician Glen Hockemeier, 7 p.m.

Harleys & Horses: 7210 N.E. 43rd St., 816-452-2660. Assholes Against Colon Cancer benefit concert with Salamander, special guests, day show.

S U N D AY 13 ROCK/POP/INDIE Aftershock Bar & Grill: 5240 Merriam Dr., Merriam, 913-3845646. Fat Phil, Deranged, and more, 6 p.m.

The Riot Room: 4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179. Knock-Out, Crime of the Century, Here’s to the Life, 8 p.m.

BLUES/FUNK/SOUL B.B.’s Lawnside BBQ: 1205 E. 85th St., 816-822-7427. Lee McBee and the Confessors.

Fat Fish Blue: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-3474. Heather Thornton.

Jazz: 1823 W. 39th St., 816-531-5556. Dan Bliss.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 302 S.W. Main, Lee’s Summit, 816-525-1871.

Slow Ya Roll, Stoney Hogg, the Yellow Bricks, Outlaw Jim and the Whiskey Benders.

BAR GAMES Bulldog: 1715 Main, 816-421-4799. Game night, beer pong, TV trivia, shot dice.

Clarette Club: 5400 Martway, Mission, 913-384-0986. Texas Hold ’em, 7 & 10 p.m.

Saints Pub + Patio: 9720 Quivira, Lenexa, 913-492-3900.

Free pool.

COMEDY Missie B’s: 805 W. 39th St., 816-561-0625. Dirty Dorothy on the main floor, 10 p.m.

DRUNKEN DISTRACTIONS The Bottleneck: 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-8415483. Smackdown Trivia and Karaoke.

The Fox and Hound: 10428 Metcalf, Overland Park, 913-6491700. Poker, 7 & 10 p.m.

Fuel: 7300 W. 119th St., Overland Park, 913-451-0444. SIN. Hotel: 1300 Grand, 816-226-3232. Hotel California Service Industry Night with DJ Ashton Martin, 9 p.m.

Hurricane Allie’s Bar and Grill: 5541 Merriam Dr., Shawnee, 913-217-7665. Double Deuce Poker League, 4 p.m.; Ultimate DJ Karaoke, 8:30 p.m.

Improv Comedy Club and Dinner Theater: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-5233. Tommy Davidson, 7 p.m.

Jake’s Place Bar and Grill: 12001 Johnson Dr., Shawnee, 913962-5253. Free pool, 3 p.m.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 13412 Santa Fe Trail Dr., Lenexa, 913-8949676. Sunday Select.

JR’s Place: 20238 W. 151st St., Olathe, 913-254-1307. Karaoke with Mad Mike, 9:30 p.m.

McFadden’s Sports Saloon: 1330 Grand, 816-471-1330.

Sindustry Sundays, 8 p.m.

Missie B’s: 805 W. 39th St., 816-561-0625. Show Stopper Karaoke, 12:30 a.m.

Quasimodo: 12056 W. 135th St., Overland Park, 913-239-9666.

Karaoke, 8 p.m.

The Red Balloon: 10325 W. 75th St., Overland Park, 913-962-2330. Karaoke, 8 p.m., free.

MORE The Riot Room: 4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179. Sunday Solace, 2 p.m., free.

S G Smokehouse Bar-B-Que: 6304 IN LIST E AT N. Oak, Gladstone, 816-454-4500.

IN ONL M Happy hour, 4-6 p.m.

PITCH.CO Wallaby’s Grill and Pub: 9562 Lackman, Lenexa, 913-541-9255. Texas Hold ’em, 6 & 9 p.m.

Westport Flea Market: 817 Westport Rd., 816-931-1986. Texas Hold ’em, 3 & 6 p.m.

CLUB

FOLK Replay Lounge: 946 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-7676.

Olassa, the Haunted Windchimes, the New Imperialism, 6 p.m.

OPEN MIC/JAM SESSIONS Bleachers Bar & Grill: 210 S.W. Greenwich Dr., Lee’s Summit, 816623-3410. Open Blues and Funk Jam with Syncopation, 6 p.m.

The Hideout: 6948 N. Oak Tfwy., 816-468-0550. Open blues jam, 7 p.m.

Jazzhaus: 926-1/2 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-1387.

Speakeasy Sunday, 10 p.m., $3.

Knuckleheads Saloon: 2715 Rochester, 816-483-1456. Open Jam with Levee Town, 2 p.m., free.

R.G.’s Lounge: 9100 E. 35th St., Independence, 816-358-5777.

Jam Night hosted by Dennis Nickell, Scotty Yates, Rick Eidson, and Jan Lamb, 5 p.m.

Take Five Coffee + Bar: 5336 W. 151st St., Overland Park, 913948-5550. Jazz Jam with Nick Rowland and Sansabelt.

SINGER-SONGWRITER RecordBar: 1020 Westport Rd., 816-753-5207. Joe Pug, Bailiff, David Burchfield & the Great Stop, 7 p.m.

pitch.comM O M 1 0X–X - 1 6X, , 22001 0 2X tT hH e Ep P it c Ch H 333 pitch.com N TAY H X IT

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on www.knuckleheads.com - 24 hours a day Voted KC’s Best Live Music Venue 6 years running

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NOW G HIRIN

ROCK/POP/INDIE

BLUES/FUNK/SOUL

JAZZ

MAY 10

FOOD BY

JASON D WILLIAMS

MAY 11

Jazz: 1823 W. 39th St., 816-531-5556. Jazzbo.

BAR GAMES Clarette Club: 5400 Martway, Mission, 913-384-0986. Texas Hold ’em, 7 & 10 p.m.

COREY STEVENS

MAY 12 MAY 16

M O N D AY 1 4

The Hideout: 6948 N. Oak Tfwy., 816-468-0550. Blue Monday Trio.

The Phoenix Jazz Club: 302 W. Eighth St., 816-221-5299.

Millie Edwards and Michael Pagan, 7 p.m.

MAY 9

TAJ MAHAL & ANDERS OSBORNE

Ernie Biggs Dueling Piano Bar: 4115 Mill, 816-561-2444. Local Music Sunday, DJ Dropout Boogie, 8 p.m.

Tomfooleries: 612 W. 47th St., 816-753-0555. The Goods.

RUMBLEJETTS CD RELEASE

DELBERT McCLINTON

VA R I E T Y

COMEDY

TUESDAY-FRIDAY 11AM-10PM | SATURDAY 4PM-10PM SPECIAL HAPPY HOUR MENU SERVED DAILY

MAY 17

TURNPIKE TROUBADOURS

MAY 18

BIG SAM’S FUNKY NATION & RONNIE BAKER BROOKS

MAY 19

THE RAINMAKERS & RED ELVISES

MAY 25

SOUTHERN CULTURE ON THE SKIDS

MAY 26

UNKNOWN HINSON

MAY 30

Missie B’s: 805 W. 39th St., 816-561-0625. MANic Monday on the main floor, 10 p.m., free.

DRUNKEN DISTRACTIONS The Brick: 1727 McGee, 816-421-1634. Rural Grit Happy Hour, 6 p.m.; karaoke with Kelly Bleachmaxx, 10:30 p.m., free; Cronin’s Bar and Grill: 12227 W. 87th St. Pkwy., Lenexa, 913322-1000. S.I.N., half-price appetizers, shot and beer specials, after 7 p.m.

The Gusto Lounge: 504 Westport Rd., 816-974-8786. Service Industry Night.

Hamburger Mary’s: 101 Southwest Blvd., 816-842-1919. Maryoke with Chad Slater, 8 p.m.

Harleys & Horses: 7210 N.E. 43rd St., 816-452-2660. Magic Mondays with Jason Dean.

Jazzhaus: 926-1/2 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-1387.

Karaoke Idol with Tanya McNaughty.

JR’s Place: 20238 W. 151st St., Olathe, 913-254-1307. Texas Hold ’em, 7:30 p.m.

MoJo’s Bar & Grill: 1513 S.W. Hwy. 7, Blue Springs. Pool and dart leagues; happy hour, free pool, 4-6 p.m.

Nara: 1617 Main, 816-221-6272. Brodioke, 10 p.m.

RecordBar: 1020 Westport Rd., 816-753-5207. Sonic Spectrum Music Trivia, 7 p.m., $5.

The Red Balloon: 10325 W. 75th St., Overland Park, 913-9622330. Karaoke, 8 p.m., free.

Sharks: 10320 Shawnee Mission Pkwy., Merriam, 913-2684006. Pool tournament, 7:30 p.m.

Smokehouse Bar-B-Que: 6304 N. Oak, Gladstone, 816-4544500. Happy hour, 4-6 p.m.

Westport Flea Market: 817 Westport Rd., 816-931-1986. KC Mutual UFO Network, 6:30 p.m., free, low-cost donation; Texas Hold ’em, 8 p.m.

OPEN MIC/JAM SESSIONS

JAZZ Jazz: 1823 W. 39th St., 816-531-5556. Rick Bacus and Monique Danielle.

BAR GAMES The Drop: 409 E. 31st St., 816-756-3767. Brodioke, 9:30 p.m.

DRUNKEN DISTRACTIONS The Brick: 1727 McGee, 816-421-1634. Scrabble Club, 7 p.m.

Coda: 1744 Broadway, 816-569-1747. Coda Pursuit Team Trivia with Teague Hayes, 7 p.m.

Flying Saucer: 101 E. 13th St., 816-221-1900. Trivia Bowl, 7:30 & 10 p.m., free.

Improv Comedy Club and Dinner Theater: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-5233. Clash of the Comics, 7:30 p.m.

Jackpot Music Hall: 943 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-8321085. It’s Karaoke Time!

Johnny’s Tavern: 13410 W. 62nd Terr., Shawnee, 913-962-5777.

Bingo Boogie Nights, 9 p.m.

Johnny’s Tavern: 11316 W. 135th St., Overland Park, 913-8515165. Texas Hold ’em.

JR’s Place: 20238 W. 151st St., Olathe, 913-254-1307. Buttwiser’s Bash with DJ Double D, 10 p.m., free.

Marquee Lounge: 1400 Main, 816-474-4545. Cocktail Hour, 4 p.m.

Mike Kelly’s Westsider: 1515 Westport Rd., 816-931-9417.

Critter’s Tye Dye Tuesday.

Missie B’s: 805 W. 39th St., 816-561-0625. Gayme Night upstairs, in-house tournament, Wii and NTN Trivia, 7:30-10 p.m.; karaoke on the main floor, 10 p.m.

MoJo’s Bar & Grill: 1513 S.W. Hwy. 7, Blue Springs. Pool and dart leagues; happy hour, free pool, 4-6 p.m.

The Red Balloon: 10325 W. 75th St., Overland Park, 913-9622330. Karaoke, 8 p.m., free.

The Roxy: 7230 W. 75th St., Overland Park, 913-236-6211. Karaoke.

Saints Pub + Patio: 9720 Quivira, Lenexa, 913-492-3900.

Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Smokehouse Bar-B-Que: 6304 N. Oak, Gladstone, 816-4544500. Happy hour, 4-6 p.m.

Tower Tavern: 401 E. 31st St., 816-931-9300. Trivia, 8 p.m.

The Velvet Dog: 400 E. 31st St., 816-753-9990. Beer Pong, team registration starts at 9:30 p.m., tournament starts at 10 p.m.

Westport Flea Market: 817 Westport Rd., 816-931-1986. Chess Club, 7 p.m.

EASY LISTENING Finnigan’s Hall: 503 E. 18th Ave., North Kansas City, 816-2213466. Abel Ramirez Big Band, 7:30 p.m.

OPEN MIC/JAM SESSIONS Bleachers Bar & Grill: 210 S.W. Greenwich Dr., Lee’s Summit, 816-623-3410. Open Mic Acoustic Jam. DiCarlo’s Mustard Seed Mexican-Americana Restaurant & Bar: 15015 E. U.S. 40 Hwy., 816-373-4240. Blues, country and classic rock hosted by Rick Eidson and friends.

The Phoenix Jazz Club: 302 W. Eighth St., 816-221-5299.

Open Jam with Everette DeVan, 7 p.m.

Stanford’s Comedy Club: 1867 Village West Pkwy., Kansas City, Kan., 913-400-7500. Open Mic Night.

SINGER-SONGWRITER

ELIZABETH COOK

Quasimodo: 12056 W. 135th St., Overland Park, 913-239-9666.

Jazz Jam Session.

MAY 31

T U E S D AY 15

VA R I E T Y

ROCK/POP/INDIE

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 302 S.W. Main, Lee’s Summit, 816-525-1871.

Club Wars.

Madrigall: 1627 Oak, 816-472-4400. 2 Step Tuesday, free for ladies, tacos available, featuring KC Elite 2 Steppers and Grown & Sexy Sliders.

Marquee Lounge: 1400 Main, 816-474-4545. Clear Ten Tengo, 7 p.m.

TOMMY CASTRO

JUNE 2

THE LOWRIDERS W/ JIMMY THACKERY

JUNE 12

THE FLATLANDERS

JUNE 13

LUKAS NELSON

JUNE 21

DALE WATSON

JUNE 27

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The Granada: 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-842-1390.

Deer Tick, Turbo Fruits, Teenage Mysticism, 7 p.m., $13, $15.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 13412 Santa Fe Trail Dr., Lenexa, 913-8949676. Travelers Guild.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 302 S.W. Main, Lee’s Summit, 816-525-1871.

Drew6.

Replay Lounge: 946 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-7676.

Plateaus.

BLUES/FUNK/SOUL The Hideout: 6948 N. Oak Tfwy., 816-468-0550. Jacque Garoutte.

Jazz: 1859 Village West Pkwy., Kansas City, Kan., 913-328-0003.

Dan Bliss.

DJ

Harleys & Horses: 7210 N.E. 43rd St., 816-452-2660. Scott Ford Songwriter Showcase, 7 p.m.

W E D N E S D AY 16 ROCK/POP/INDIE RecordBar: 1020 Westport Rd., 816-753-5207. Bob Walkenhorst, 7 p.m.; Get Busy Living, Grant Hart, 9 p.m.

The Riot Room: 4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179. Not a Planet, Lullwater, the Silver Maggies.

Uptown Theater: 3700 Broadway, 816-753-8665. Marilyn Manson, the Pretty Reckless.

BLUES/FUNK/SOUL

Coda: 1744 Broadway, 816-569-1747. DJ Whatshisname, service industry night, 10 p.m.

Ernie Biggs Dueling Piano Bar: 4115 Mill, 816-561-2444. DJ night.

The Riot Room: 4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179. Tasteless Tuesdays hosted by Kim and Candice, with DJ Charlie, rock, punk, Nintendo games, Missouri beer specials, and midnight riot, free.

B.B.’s Lawnside BBQ: 1205 E. 85th St., 816-822-7427. Shinetop Jr. Jazz: 1823 W. 39th St., 816-531-5556. Billy Ebeling.

Knuckleheads Saloon: 2715 Rochester, 816-483-1456. Taj Mahal Trio, Anders Osborne; Gospel Lounge with Carl Butler, 7:30 p.m.

Trouser Mouse: 625 N.W. Mock Ave., Blue Springs, 816-2201222. Kyle Elliott.

HIP-HOP

ROOTS/COUNTRY/BLUEGRASS

The Bottleneck: 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-8415483. Legendary Nights, Tony Gaines featuring B. White.

The Granada: 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-842-1390.

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Kauffman Stadium: I-70 & Blue Ridge Cutoff. Oriole Post.

DJ Buzzard Beach: 4110 Pennsylvania, 816-753-4455. Live DJ, midnight.

Saints Pub + Patio: 9720 Quivira, Lenexa, 913-492-3900. DJ Pure.

ACOUSTIC Dark Horse Tavern: 4112 Pennsylvania, 816-931-3663. Live acoustic.

Mike Kelly’s Westsider: 1515 Westport Rd., 816-931-9417.

Acoustic Showcase.

JAZZ Sullivan’s Steakhouse & Saloon: 4501 W. 119th St., Leawood, 913-345-0800. Candace Evans Duo, 6 p.m.

COMEDY Missie B’s: 805 W. 39th St., 816-561-0625. Dirty Dorothy on the main floor, 10 p.m.

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Angels Rock Bar: 1323 Walnut, 816-896-3943. Wednesdays Reloaded: Service Industry Night.

Beer Kitchen: 435 Westport Rd., 816-389-4180. Brodioke.

The Bottleneck: 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence, 785-8415483. Super Nerd Night.

Californos: 4124 Pennsylvania, 816-531-7878. The Girlie Show with Daisy Bucket, Loretta Martin, Tajma Stetson, Christa Collins, 8 p.m., $5.

Danny’s Bar and Grill: 13350 College Blvd., Lenexa, 913-3459717. Trivia and karaoke with DJ Smooth, 8 p.m.

403 Club: 403 N. Fifth St., 913-499-8392. Pinball Tournament, Cash prize for winner, 8:30 p.m., $5 entry fee.

Hamburger Mary’s: 101 Southwest Blvd., 816-842-1919. Charity Bingo with Valerie Versace, 8 p.m., $1 per game.

Harleys & Horses: 7210 N.E. 43rd St., 816-452-2660. Karaoke, Ladies’ Night.

Hurricane Allie’s Bar and Grill: 5541 Merriam Dr., Shawnee, 913-217-7665. Ultimate DJ Karaoke, 8:30 p.m.

The Indie on Main: 1228 Main, 816-283-9900. Karaoke, 9:30 p.m.

Jake’s Place Bar and Grill: 12001 Johnson Dr., Shawnee, 913-962-5253. Karaoke.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 302 S.W. Main, Lee’s Summit, 816-525-1871.

Club Jerry’s, reverse happy hour, 9 p.m.-12 a.m.

Johnny’s Tavern: 6765 W. 119th St., Leawood, 913-451-4542.

Texas Hold ’em.

JR’s Place: 20238 W. 151st St., Olathe, 913-254-1307. Karaoke with the Queen, 9:30 p.m.-1 a.m.

Marquee Lounge: 1400 Main, 816-474-4545. 4 to 7 Cocktail Hour, 4 p.m.; Live Music Wednesdays + Guys Night Out with Mark Lowrey, 7 p.m.

MoJo’s Bar & Grill: 1513 S.W. Hwy. 7, Blue Springs. Pool and dart leagues; happy hour, free pool, 4-6 p.m.

Nara: 1617 Main, 816-221-6272. Ladies’ Night.

Outabounds Sports Bar & Grill: 3601 Broadway, 816-214-8732. Karaoke MORE with DJ Chad, 9 p.m.

The Red Balloon: 10325 W. 75th St., Overland Park, 913-962-2330.

Karaoke, 8 p.m., free.

INGS LIST E AT The Roxy: 7230 W. 75th St., OverIN ONL land Park, 913-236-6211. Karaoke.

M PITCH.CO Smokehouse Bar-B-Que: 6304 N. Oak, Gladstone, 816-454-4500. Happy hour, 4-6 p.m.

The Union of Westport: 421 Westport Rd. Pop Culture Trivia.

Westport Flea Market: 817 Westport Rd., 816-931-1986.

Trivia, 8 p.m.

Wilde’s Chateau 24: 2412 Iowa, Lawrence, 785-856-1514.

Pride Night, 8 p.m.

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Bleachers Bar & Grill: 210 S.W. Greenwich Dr., Lee’s Summit, 816623-3410. Open Blues and Funk Jam with Syncopation, 7 p.m.

The Hideout: 6948 N. Oak Tfwy., 816-468-0550. Open blues jam, 6 p.m.

Improv Comedy Club and Dinner Theater: 7260 N.W. 87th St., 816-759-5233. Open mic night.

Jazzhaus: 926-1/2 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-749-1387.

Acoustic Open Mic with Tyler Gregory, $2.

Jerry’s Bait Shop: 13412 Santa Fe Trail Dr., Lenexa, 913-8949676. Jam Night, 9 p.m.

Tonahill’s 3 of a Kind: 11703 E. 23rd St., Independence, 816833-5021. Blues, country and classic rock hosted by Rick Eidson and friends.

VA R I E T Y Czar: 1531 Grand, 816-421-0300. Indie Hit Makers, 6 p.m.

Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club: 3402 Main, 816-753-1909.

Amy Farrand’s Weirdo Wednesday Social Club, 7 p.m., no cover.

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Found Myself Lost Dear FML: You’re not asking me for some advice. What you’re doing is handing me a dog with a bloody, torn-up ass and saying, “Hey, Dan, I totally screwed the pooch. Unscrew it for me, wouldya?” Some days, half the mail is from remorseful pooch-screwers, and I do what I can to unscrew their pooches. That’s part of my job. But not every pooch can be unscrewed, and your pooch looks eternally screwed to me.

It wasn’t your gender issues or kinks or anxieties that screwed that pooch. You don’t have to apologize for your gender issues. You were working through some serious shit.

What you can be faulted for is your thoughtlessness, your inconsideration and your neglect. You were so wrapped up in your own drama that you could barely perceive, to say nothing of meet, your girlfriend’s reasonable sexual and emotional needs.

We don’t have to be perfectly healthy or issue-free before entering into a relationship, of course. If that were the standard, no one would ever be in a relationship. However, we do have to be in relatively good working order, and you were not. Your girlfriend wasn’t looking for an issue-free guy; no such animal exists. But she wanted a guy who could have his issues and still make an pitch.com

D A N S AVA G E

comfortable with. What is the best way to test the waters?

Our next concern is who to invite into our bed. We would prefer it to be someone we wouldn’t have to see again, so friends are out.

However, I am concerned about just finding a random person on CL or Adult Friend Finder because, being in a lesbian relationship, we definitely have run across men who think we “just need the right penis.” Basically, I want a man who I know is friendly with the queer community and will respect our relationship and our boundaries. Where do we look for this?

Dear Dan: I am a 26-year-old straight guy.

My straightness and guyness are recent revelations, and it feels amazing to be able to confidently state this. Here is my trouble: I’ve had gender issues for the past five years. My girlfriend of three years, now my ex, said she couldn’t be with me anymore due to these issues. Our breakup was a result of my apathy in the bedroom, which was tied to my gender issues and her fears of me transitioning into a woman. I can see now that my insecurities about myself caused me to be a selfi sh partner in many ways, but mainly in the bedroom. I now realize I was allowing my sexual kinks to get the best of me. I get very turned on by the idea of giving head to a guy, but in reality, it is not something that I enjoy. I also find lingerie to be very arousing. I allowed myself to focus so heavily on those aspects of my sexuality that I became insecure in my masculinity inside and outside the bedroom. I also ended up ignoring the majority of my sexual desires as a result of my insecurity in my gender identity.

I have now stopped repressing my lust toward women in general, something I had been doing that negatively affected my ex.

I am asking you, I suppose, for some advice. I am still in love with my ex. I am prepared now to be the boyfriend she wanted me to be. But how do I prove to her that I am no longer the apathetic, distant and repressed lover that she was with for three years? I find myself overwhelmed with regret. She saw me as someone who couldn’t do the things she needed, when in reality, I was just paralyzed by my insecurities.

BY

Another Bi Woman Dear ABW: Established couples that want

effort to meet her needs. And your poor, neglected, taken-for-granted girlfriend stuck it out for three long years, hoping you might turn into that kind of guy-with-issues, before fi nally calling it quits.

And damn her timing, right? Because everything magically fell into place the moment she walked out.

So what can you do now? You can tell your ex that you’ve come to a couple of big realizations: You know yourself to be a straight man now and you can see that you were a terrible boyfriend then. You were so wrapped up in your own anxieties and kinks and insecurities that you couldn’t meet her needs then, but you can now. The only way you prove this to her, of course, is if she takes you back. Considering the price she paid when you were struggling — inconsiderate, selfish, thoughtless, neglectful boyfriends are no fun, gender issues or no gender issues — she’s likely to pass. Because life is basically one big issue after another, and she may have concluded that you’re incapable of having an issue and being a decent boyfriend simultaneously.

If she doesn’t take you back — if that pooch can’t be unscrewed — resolve to learn from your mistakes and refrain from screwing the next pooch that comes your way.

Dear Dan: I am a lesbian-identified bi woman

who has been with my lady friend (also a LIBW) for seven years. She recently brought up her desire to have a threesome. I’ve had a handful of group-sex experiences, and I know that they can be fun, but they can also go very wrong. I am worried that she isn’t prepared to see me have sex with a man, and I fear that once we are in the moment, she won’t be assertive enough to stop something that she may have agreed to beforehand but suddenly isn’t

safety, respect and a measure of accountability from their very special guest sex stars should look first to flirty friends and friendly exes. But you two, like so many threesomeseeking couples, want the perfect person to materialize immediately before sex and disappear immediately after. That means fi nding and vetting a stranger. And online personal ads are the best way to accomplish that. State in your profile that you’re looking for someone who (1) is queer-friendly, (2) respects your relationship and (3) doesn’t think the “right” penis will turn you both straight.

Some guys will tell you whatever you want to hear, of course, which means you could wind up in bed with a man who doesn’t believe any of those things. But he’ll know to keep his mouth shut. And because you’re not going to see him ever again, does it really matter what he thinks?

As for your fear that your girlfriend won’t speak up in the moment: Address that with her, address it at length, and consider taking penis-in-either-of-your-vaginas sex off the menu for your fi rst threesome.

Dear Dan: I’m a 32-year-old bi gal into both sub and dom roles with men. I’m GGG and excited by trying out new-to-me stuff. I had never pondered sexless guy/guy ball busting before reading the letter from BSTD in your column last week. Now I don’t know if I should thank or curse BSTD for giving ME a new kink!

I think watching this would be so hot!

Bad Acronym Lass Loves Sex Dear BALLS: I’m not one to toss that cruel

“there’s someone out there for everyone” bullshit around. Fact is, some people do wind up alone. But kinks usually aren’t the reason. Whatever your kink might be, shy lil’ kinksters, there are kinksters out there who either share it or will spark to it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE ON EARTH: Be sure to watch Savage U Tuesdays on MTV at 10 p.m. Central Time.

Have a question for Dan Savage?

E-mail him at mail@savagelove.net pitch.com

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