No Fats, Fems or Asians

No Fats, Fems or Asians An exploration into the gay dating bias

It’s a typical weeknight when Lou Carlos finds himself on dating apps like Bumble and Grindr. In his search for love and friendship, he ends up swiping through countless profiles and scrolling through endless photos. It’s a kaleidoscope of pictures, names and interests of possible matches. That is, until Carlos ends up face-to-face with a profile that declares “No Rice Queens,” “No Asians” and “No Fats, Fems, or Asians.”

Carlos is a gay 23-year-old information technology major at the University of Central Florida. For him, like many other gay Asian men, dating comes with its own unique set of challenges. Dating in the LGBT community is already difficult, but as a gay Asian, with racism involved, it is even harder to find love. 26 | fall 2019

The statement “No Fats, Fems, or Asians” — and other discriminatory statements — is a common sight on dating apps like Grindr. It’s usually displayed on the profiles of white gay men, masking their thinly veiled racism as a “preference.” This “preference,” however, harms LGBT Asians by f e e d i n g i n t o t h e d e h u m a n i z i n g stereotype that Asian members of the LGBT community are submissive and passive. It reconstructs the Asian identity as a “type,” allowing this “preference” to be interchangeable with one’s racial and ethnic identity.

This racial “preference” can affect Asian individuals’ romantic and sexual value within LGBT communities.

“It definitely has a big impact in terms of the kinds of people I end up interacting with or want to interact with,” Carlos said.

Kyle Wong, a gay 21-year-old UCF communications major, is no stranger to such statements or “preferences.”

“People would just block me,” Wong said. “Obviously, it hurts to hear or see those things, but I just don’t let them bother me or get to me.”

“It does make you feel excluded,” said Jeremy Capalad, “especially when the [LGBT] community talks about love and acceptance.” As a gay Asian, it’s common to feel this sort of exclusion when confronted with these negative, racist statements. Along with this exclusion, Capalad, a senior studying social sciences at

“You have to put up a guard, not fully involve yourself and take yourself seriously because you never know what people might think of you or how people will look at you,” Capalad said.

U n f o r t u n a t e l y, t h e e f f e c t t h a t “preferences” have makes it even harder for gay Asians, like Carlos, Wong and Capalad, to find “the one,” especially with the already limited size of their dating pool.

“It’s kind of sad to say, but you have to prepare yourself for rejection,” Capalad said.

This racism toward Asian LGBT m e m b e r s c a n l e a d n o t o n l y to discrimination, but also fetishization and objectification.

According to Jennifer Sandoval, a professor and program coordinator for the Department of Communication at UCF, stereotypes can play a role for quite a few people when shaping their dating preferences. Generally, Asian women in media are hypersexualized, and Asian men are desexualized and are not the object of sexual or romantic desire.

For Carlos, scrolling through profile after profile can be a hassle, but interacting with some of these profiles is a whole different issue. Many of his conversations somehow find their way to the subject of his race.

“They start to bring up my race, saying things like, ‘You know I never hung out with an Asian guy before.’ So? Why are you bringing this up?” Carlos said.

Even when the person Carlos interacts w i t h s h a r e s s e v e r a l i n t e r e s t s , statements like “I always thought Asians were cute” or “I never hung out with an Asian before” end up appearing in the conversation. For him, it’s difficult to have a normal conversation with someone when they try to talk about your race. “I’m proud of being Asian; I’m proud of being a Filipino American. But bringing up the fact that I am Asian out of nowhere is just annoying,” Carlos said.

In response to the racism and discrimination that is blatant within the LGBT community, there have been slow-moving efforts to combat the issue.

In 2018, Grindr launched their Kindr campaign. The campaign works to diminish sexual racism — sexual “preferences” towards a specific race — and transphobia in order to promote a diverse, inclusive and kinder environment for users on the dating app. As part of the Kindr campaign, Grindr updated its community guidelines and now has stricter policies. The updated guidelines stress a zero-tolerance policy for discriminatory and abusive speech. This means that profiles that feature exclusionary statements such as “No Fats, Fems, or Asians” are removed. Along with the updates to the app itself, Grindr released a series of videos to raise awareness and talk about issues like fat and femme shaming, transphobia and sexual racism.

Don’t be afraid to bring it up and talk about it. Ignoring it or giving them the side-eye, you’re no better. You’re part of the problem. Efforts are being made by a number of other dating apps as well. Apps like Chappy and Scruff have taken action against sexual racism and discrimination, updating their policies to reflect their values of inclusivity and user safety.

— Lou Carlo

But, of course, it’s not only up to the dating apps to make the change. Sandoval mentioned that there needs to be more education and openness to discuss the topic of racial issues within the LGBT community. Through

this education, members of the community can understand, notice and critique actions and behaviors that are harmful towards racial minorities.

As individuals, it is also our job to call people out on their racist comments and actions.

“Don’t be afraid to bring it up and talk about it,” Carlos said. “Ignoring it or giving them the side-eye, you’re no better, you’re part of the problem. If you choose not to stop it, you’re part of the problem.”

Despite these concerns, progress is being made. More and more dating apps are updating their platforms to raise awareness about the harms of discrimination. Members of the LGBT community, like Carlos, Capalad and Wong, are taking steps to bring attention to racial issues, moving the community towards the kindness and respect everyone deserves.