My Story with Autism & Depression

By Matt Knight

My name is Matt Knight. For those who don’t know, I wrote another article for this publication regarding my job search in the April 2021 issue. I would recommend that you read it before this one as that article may help clarify what I’m about to say in this one. Like many other people on the autism spectrum, I have had my fair share of struggles with regards to depression and/or burnout despite all of the good things that have happened in my life.

Matt Knight

If I am being honest with myself, I have always felt that something is different/broken inside of me. In addition, I have also felt like a failure for as long as I can remember. This feeling even went to the point where I truly thought that my life is a burden to others, though this has decreased at least somewhat since I got hired by Amazon. However, before I discuss why I think myself and many others on the spectrum struggle with depression, I think that it is fair to give a summary of what is good in my life and what I have struggled with over the course of my life.

Here is a summary of the good things in my life: 1. I have a college degree in political science from the University of Indianapolis (UIndy) and an A+ Certification for CompTIA. 2. I am fortunate to have no college and/or credit card debt. 3. I do have a very supportive family. 4. I do have a decent IT warehouse job with the many possibilities for growth at Amazon. 5. I do have some money saved in a 401(k) and a savings account. 6. No one really hated/bullied me as a kid or teenager. 7. I have traveled to many other U.S. states and even other countries (i.e. Washington, D.C., Hawaii, Florida, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Ohio, Illinois, Virginia, Spain, Monaco, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Mexico, Australia, Haiti, Bahamas, etc.).

On the flip side, here is a brief summary of what I have been struggling with collectively over the course of my life (and some of the things that I’m currently struggling with collectively right now): 1. Sensory, anxiety, and sleep deprivation issues are due to having high-functioning Autism.

2. Feeling “different,” “second-rate,” or perhaps even “weak” and knowing that I can’t do anything to change it.

3. Always trying to “prove” myself and/or not make any mistake(s) (i.e. being a perfectionist and/or having imposter syndrome):

• Working a full-time job with Amazon that I don’t really feel qualified for (though my coworkers have certainly helped with regards to training me and helping me whenever I come across an issue that I don’t fully understand).

• Studying for both the CompTIA Network+ and the Military Emergency Management Specialist (MEMS) exams at the same time.

• Growing a YouTube Channel with my brother Brad (Knight Bros Commentary) – we talk about various topics on this channel, including Autism so please go check it out.

• Serving in the Indiana Guard Reserve (IGR) – for those who don’t know, it is essentially a volunteer supplement/force multiplier to the Indiana Army National Guard.

4. Being betrayed by a former boss (I won’t share the details but he put me, an intern at the time, in a position that I should never have been in).

5. Possible SNRI withdrawal (against good judgment, I quit cold turkey because I really felt more depressed and angrier while on them).

6. Hypothyroidism (though this has gotten better over the past few years).

7. The death of a former wrestling teammate named Jason Sipher before my 23rd birthday (however, I will not be discussing details here as I don’t think that it is my place to do so but I do think about him almost every day).

8. Looking for an apartment.

I guess at least one of the main contributing factors of my depression (if not the main one) is that I want to be as successful as I possibly can be, but I’m still struggling with how to interact with others so they may perceive me as “great” or at least an “equal” to themselves. I think that the main reason why I and so many others on the spectrum constantly struggle with depression is that we struggle with wearing a “mask” (and not those of the COVID-19 variety). Like many others, I still struggle with balancing “being myself” and trying to “belong” or “fit in” so that I don’t unintentionally offend anyone to this very day. I’ve always struggled with the cultural

message that I’m supposed to “be myself” but also very social and “one of the group,” especially when much of my natural self is seen as odd or awkward by others (and sometimes even myself).

Throughout my life, I come to understand that socializing isn’t just a lifelong struggle that I and many others go through, it is essentially a “chess match” with plenty of unspoken/unwritten rules that people on the spectrum either don’t fully understand and/or accept. The idea of relying on unspoken/unwritten rules is essentially anathema to how autistic people (especially to those who are overthinkers like me) operate, as they tend to rely on true-blue/blunt honesty and direct communication, rather than subtlety and subconscious observation/analysis.

While I certainly try to put on the best “mask” that I possibly can in order to hide my anxiety/insecurities, I think that most people might be able to see through it. Personally, I’m fine with eye contact, but “masking/mirroring” does take a lot of conscious effort. In addition, it also takes me a little bit longer to gather my thoughts, plan and organize myself in a way that “appears normal” regardless of what you may see. This is because we individuals on the spectrum really do have to pay careful attention to facial expressions and body language while conversing with others in order to interpret their “intent” more correctly.

I also find it very hard to switch off my brain in stressful situations as well, as it just keeps on churning with no way of shutting down

or even just slowing down. As a result of this, I and possibly many others on the spectrum tend to favor solitude and quiet environments where we don’t have to process so much external “stimulation” (i.e. phones, printers, flickering lights, loud music, people constantly talking to you and everyone else, etc.).

Overall, I am so TIRED of having to wear a “mask” and prove my worth to others because I’m not like everybody else EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even though it is hard not to feel otherwise, I know that I’m not alone in this. So many people all over the world have mental health issues, whether it is depression, autism, bipolar disorder, etc. so many human beings are struggling with their own issues, and the longer we continue to stigmatize mental illness, the less others will be able to see what value people struggling with mental health issues might bring and the more that these people will lead empty and unfulfilling lives.

I hope to create lasting change for all people through my YouTube Channel. I hope that it brings awareness for not only the autistic community but others struggling with mental health as well. My goal is to become as successful as I possibly can so I can hopefully be a good example for others to follow. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel if you want to follow my take on today’s hot topics.