26 minute read
Time For Mental Health
How to Recognize Cultural Messages and Take Care of Ourselves
By Dulce Orozco, LMHC
Have you ever considered that not everything you think is true? Many people treat every thought they have as the ultimate truth; however, this is not the case. We are constantly being bombarded with cultural messages through social media, through conversations with friends, family, coworkers, and pretty much anywhere we look. Cultural messages don’t belong to us, but we take them in as if they are our own thoughts.
But what are cultural messages? They are all the implicit and explicit expressions from society that tell us how we should look, behave and feel. One example is that only people who look a certain way can live in a particular area. If we keep getting that message, eventually this will turn into something we think about, telling ourselves that we can’t live in that area because we don’t look like the rest of the people who live there. Since repetitive thoughts can turn into a belief, the cycle keeps growing, and a belief is born
These messages do not dictate who we are — we do.
that people live in different areas depending on how they look. Our beliefs impact our decisions and the way we see the world.
It is important to remember that we can choose which cultural messages we welcome into our lives and which ones we say “no, thank you” to. No matter how old we are, we have already taken in many different cultural messages from those around us. Those messages created thoughts and beliefs that can impact our mental health and limit us from reaching our full potential. This happens to all of us, but there is also something we can do about it.
Whenever you are having limiting thoughts, and you are putting yourself down, or the next time that you think something like: • I am too old or too young • I am too Latina for that job • People with an accent like mine would never do something like that • I am too black or too white, and that is why I can’t do this, whatever “this” may be for you
Pause for a second and ask yourself: Is this true? Is this thought mine or is it the result of all the cultural messages I have received?
We have a choice and can pick which thoughts to keep and which thoughts to put away during our life journey. Knowing that we have a choice can be liberating. Knowing that we can always pause to explore with curiosity whatever we are thinking is empowering.
Nevertheless, it is not easy. We may not know how to do it, and like everything, it requires practice. The more we pause to examine our thoughts, the easier it will become. Engaging in this exploration of our thoughts is always better when we use gentle curiosity and ask judgment to please step aside from the equation. However, self-doubt can easily arise if we discover that something we believed is not necessarily true for us anymore. Looking at things in a new way is scary.
When this happens, we can feel the temptation to go back to our old habits and limiting thoughts, which feels more comfortable. This is why having a trusted friend or community of like-minded people with similar values is crucial during this process. Having support from people we trust and feel understood by may be what we need most when we are doubting ourselves and don’t trust the part of us that is saying: There might not be people that look like me that live in that area, but that does not mean I can’t look for houses there.
Do you have a community of like-minded people you can reach out to? If you don’t, that’s perfectly fine because you can find one today, or it may find you. This community can come from the most unexpected places, so try to be open to the hidden windows of opportunity life offers you. It may come from a book club, an exercise class, a master-mind group, or from a conversation that you finally have with the lady that walks her dog at the same time you do.
So, let’s recap what we’ve discussed so far: • We know that cultural messages about how we “should” live our lives can eventually transform into limiting beliefs. • We know that not all thoughts are accurate and that we have the choice to pause and explore which ones we welcome into our lives, and which ones we let go of. • We know that doubting ourselves along this process is normal. • We know that having a community of like-minded people to support us is essential.
Finally, we must start taking steps to do whatever we want to do. If we think about it too much, this may lead to analysis paralysis, so it is better to ask ourselves: What is the smallest step that I can take right now? Then, if you need to, break it down even further.
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HOW TO RECOGNIZE CULTURAL MESSAGES continued from page 22 Do not underestimate the value of small steps. In our example above, a small step may be sharing your thoughts with someone from your community, and asking that person to take a drive around the area you are thinking of living in to see how you feel while driving there. It does not have to be calling a real estate agent right away. That may be too much, too soon. The important thing is to take action.
Although we are constantly bombarded with cultural messages, and there is nothing we can do to prevent this, we do have a choice about how to handle them. These messages do not dictate who we are — we do. Once we know this, we can care for ourselves compassionately and lovingly by only taking in the cultural messages we want. We all deserve this, and this is something we can only do for ourselves.
Dulce Orozco is a licensed mental health counselor in Massachusetts, who has extensive experience working with individuals and their families who are not native to this country. She works remotely with women who feel like outsiders and have a tough time taking care of themselves. For more information visit www.dulceorozco.com.
By Judy Giovangelo
Things I Have Learned from the Loss of My Child
The loss of a child, at its core, is every mother and father’s greatest fear. It is unspeakable, unimaginable, and something I would not wish on any human soul. Since the loss of my own boy Benjamin to suicide in 2009 at the tender age of 18, after a lifelong battle I have become unfathomably aware of how many parents lose their children.
We have a saying in our world, one of the many myths I have discovered since the loss of Ben through my own healing journey and work as a grief recovery specialist. “It is unnatural for a parent to outlive their children.” And yet, since the beginning of time, for far too many today, it is a reality. When it happens to you, you become indoctrinated into a club that you never asked for. I will never forget another mom and dad arriving at my home just hours after Ben’s suicide who had lost their daughter at 15 a few years before. They said, “Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to.”
Our children leave us in a myriad of ways. Some young, some older, some to cancer, accidents, self-harm, and war. Children die! And you will never stop grieving them. I have come to know that grief is the natural response to loss. And whether we have lost a child, a pet, a parent, a grandparent or any other of the numerous losses that happen throughout our lives, loss is part of the journey here.
Loss of one of our precious babies is like the loss of no other. If you know a parent who is bereaved, please know that advice is not helpful. Love, compassion, and an open heart with ears is the best medicine you can bring. Give them permission to share about their child for as long as it takes, which is likely a lifetime. If you ever lost your child, would you want others to tell you to forget about them? Move on? It is not natural or even possible. Just be there.
Not a day goes by that I do not think about my boy. After 11 years and until my dying day I will be forever grieving him. The loss of his presence, the birthdays, special moments he will never have, and we will never have with him, the children and grandchildren that will never be born, the missing of his presence at his sibling’s special times. His loss is not just a moment in time, an event that happened and is now done, over. Generations have been altered with his parting. There will forever be a missing link in the fabric of our family, an empty chair at our table and a hole in our hearts.
As hard as losing Ben has been, I am not banished to a life of misery. It took time to heal and climb out of the devastation of his loss, which was followed by the loss of my two sisters Lynn and Candace and my mom. But it has taught me…
MANY WONDERFUL LESSONS
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. • Be eternally grateful for every moment I have on this gracious planet with my other two children, Michael and Jenna. • Be fully open to, feel and embrace the immense beauty and joy of this life to the core of my being. • Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. • Love big, even if it hurts. • Love more. • Give back. • Make every moment count. • A deep knowing and profound evidence that spirit lives on and can communicate to me long after the physical loss of those I love. • My life is blessed beyond measure. • Being a hand in the dark for others to move forward is an honor and a gift. • Some of the boldest and brightest souls I have ever met are bereaved parents who go on to help others by creating change. • Life continues and is enriched by every soul I meet. • Grief is a part of life. • Death is a profound teacher. • I would rather to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all. • I miss my boy. I will love him forever. I will never, ever forget him.
Judy Giovangelo is an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist trained in a 30-year method through the Grief Recovery Institute. Her niche is to support grieving mothers and fathers as she lost a child herself. Visit www.judygio.com
Now I See Gratitude Everywhere
By Georgette Van Vliet
Ihad no time for my mental health. Every morning at the crack of dawn, I crawled out of bed to warm milk for my newborn. This was my downtime as we cuddled and I basked in the warmth of his little body against mine. He was the reason I pushed back the cloud that shrouded my life, which left a dense fog lingering in my brain. Every day, I pushed myself into high gear to get ready for work, run through my day, and rush home to be with my family.
I asked everyone, “How do you do it? Are you overwhelmed?” No one seemed to find life as difficult and exhausting as I did. A friend suggested we attend an Abraham Hicks workshop for inspiration. While we waited in line to see Esther, my friend mentioned, “Why don’t you practice gratitude?” I didn’t answer as I stared blankly at nothing in particular. At that moment, I didn’t feel grateful for anything. Continued on page 26
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NOW I SEE GRATITUDE EVERYWHERE continued from page 25
But the concept must have been permeating my being because I woke up one morning soon after and gazed into my closet. The doors happened to be open, and I realized in that moment, “Wow. I have a lot of clothing.” Then I looked at the closet floor and acknowledged the abundance of shoes. Then almost like Helen Keller discovering the association of words with the water flowing over her hands, my soul awakened. I made the connection of thinking about gratitude and understanding the gifts of my life. I felt this outpouring of love and appreciation for my family, my warm home, hot showers, hazelnut coffee, and my dog. I was overcome with emotion as I realized how much I love opening my front door and hearing birds chirp and feeling the heat of the sun on my face. I felt like the luckiest person alive.
I grabbed an old journal and filled a couple of pages with my grateful thoughts. This was no longer a whiny journal; that was the old Georgette I left behind. My new journals are filled with all the wonders of my life. I look forward to this ritual every morning and wake up while the house is still dark to have quiet time to savor my thoughts. Sometimes I write the same things over and over. Sometimes I include affirmations. Recently, I added goals. This routine has lifted my sadness and filled me with excitement and hope for all the possibilities that life has. Sometimes I spread my journals across my bed and reread them to acknowledge how far I have come.
Today, it is amazing how much time I can carve out to appreciate, enjoy, reflect, and smile. I am in touch with my intuition, my connection to source, and God. When I forget to take the time to nurture my mental health, my crankiness quickly seeps in and reminds me to create a space that fills my soul and sets a brilliant mood for my day.
Georgette Van Vliet writes self-help books. She is a certified life coach and expert mindset strategist who specializes in helping people overcome life’s daily challenges.
Walking as Transformation
By Christian Reifsteck
Walking is well known for its physical, emotional, and mental benefits, but it provides important transformational and spiritual benefits, as well. For thousands of years, walking — most often done outdoors (and not by coincidence) — has served as a well-worn path to spiritual awakening through rituals, labyrinths, shamanic practices, spiritual journeying, and pilgrimages. You might say walking is embedded in our bones as a way to deepen our connection to the divine within. Here are five tips for walking your way to deeper peace and transformation.
1. GO ALONE. When done in solitude and silence, walking provides time for self-reflection and contemplation. It’s an opportunity to listen to the world around us and the voice within you, and to heighten awareness of each. When walking with another person, it’s much more challenging to be focused and aware. Walking partners will chat, have a different pace, want to take a different route, or want to stop or keep going when you might not want to. In short, walking with others doesn’t allow for the individualistic, self-directed, inner experience that can allow for the greatest transformational benefits.
2. WALK WITH AWARENESS. Walking alone allows you to bring more awareness to the walk itself, and to have a greater sensory awareness of the moment. This is the most important aspect of walking as a transformational practice. We want to bring our awareness to the walk, to the feel of our feet on the ground, the smells, temperature, wind, and sounds that surround us. In this way, walking becomes a meditative practice.
It’s okay if your mind wanders away from the sights, sounds, and smells of your Continued on page 28
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walk. You may start to think about problems you’re facing, challenging experiences, or uncertainties. The back and forth motion of walking, called bilateral movement, actually helps facilitate deep thinking and problem solving, so your mind very well may wander, and the chances are good that you’ll gain new perspectives and come up with solutions to challenges you’re facing. Breathe, take in your surroundings, and notice your feelings. Become aware of all aspects of the walk, including any walking that might be occurring in your mind.
The mindset you bring to your walk is much more important than where you walk. It does not matter if you walk in the city or the country, down alleyways, on a forest trail, or through a shopping district. Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that “Every path, every street in the world is your walking meditation path.” Anywhere you walk can lead you to deeper connection within.
Nor is the destination important because the goal is not to get somewhere. Rather, the objective is to be present in the moment and the experience. You can walk around your neighborhood, along city streets, through fields, or up a mountain. The location is not as important as your mindset.
3. WALK IN NATURE IF YOU CAN. Although you can walk anywhere to deepen your connection within, walking in nature often creates a more satisfying experience. Nature is a spiritual booster, and walking in a natural area, preferably quiet and somewhat removed from the bustle of life, will help you to derive even more benefit from your walk. Nature calms and focuses us. It is quiet, unhurried, and operates on its own time, and when we walk in nature, its rhythms can slow us down, quiet us, and help us to turn inward. Walking in nature means that we can experience all of the benefits of being in nature as well as those of walking at the same time.
4. LEAVE ELECTRONICS BEHIND. As long as you are outside, it does not matter where you go, but rather how you go. Turn off your phone, leave behind the music, and be absorbed in the walk itself. Talking on your phone, listening to music, or playing games while walking don’t count because they distract from your surroundings and the act of the walk. It’s difficult to be alone with your thoughts while playing Pokemon Go, and it’s impossible to be connected to your surroundings when your attention is split. Because phones, music, games, and any other form of distraction will distract from the experience, definitely leave them behind or silence them.
5. WALK FOR AT LEAST 20 MINUTES. In addition to walking outside, alone, and without distraction, try to walk at least twenty minutes, because it’s a good amount of time to be engaged in an activity and derive benefit from it. Twenty minutes is enough to feel results, change your mindset or mood, and be absorbed in what you’re doing, but not so much that it feels like wasted time where you are distracted because you feel you should be doing “productive” things. However, watching the clock to make sure that you hit your twenty minutes defeats one of the main purposes for the walk, which is to disconnect from our time-obsessed, busy lives. And if you feel that you want to keep walking after 20 minutes, by all means, please do. No matter where you start from or how long you go, walking can help you access your inner connection and peace.
Christian Reifsteck of Standing Stones Healing Co. is a certified Reiki Master, a powerful card reader with a variety of decks, and has served as a spiritual guide and coach for over 20 years with kind, respectful, compassionate understanding for clients at all stages of life. Visit standingstoneshealing.com for more information or contact him at christian@standing-
stoneshealing.com.
FUN FACTS ABOUT WALKING
The word walk comes from the word wealcan, which is an Old English word and literally means "to roll." The average person walks at a pace of 3.1 miles per hour. A typical pair of sneakers lasts for 500 miles of walking. Walking is the most popular form of exercise in the U.S. Walking sideways burns more calories than walking forward — this is due to the effort it takes to make your body work in unfamiliar ways.
Kintsugi: An Aesthetic Blueprint for Living in a Post-COVID World
By Margaret Wolff
Many years ago, I received notice about an exhibition of Japanese pottery in the Kintsugi tradition that was held at the Smithsonian Museum. Kintsugi means “golden joinery.” The Japanese believe that a piece of pottery that’s been handed down through the generations within a family is part of the family’s story, that the piece has a history all its own. If it needs mending, the cracks or missing pieces are patched with a specially formulated lacquer filled with gold, silver or platinum, and the repairs are visible to the eye. In this way, the pottery becomes aggrandized: it grows more beautiful and more valuable, it increases in status in the family, and the story of its restoration becomes a part of the family’s history.
Though its origin is still debated, Kintsugi is an art form in keeping with the Zen tenets of non-attachment and the mindful awareness of the beauty in all things — even objects that are flawed or imperfect or worn thin by time. Imperfections are highlighted or emphasized — even venerated — rather than disdained, in much the same way that Japanese elders are revered.
The name of the Smithsonian exhibit was “Kintsugi: Granting New Life to Broken Dreams.” Though many years have passed since I first read these words, they have stayed with me, and remind me that Kintsugi is a thoughtful and spiritually rich metaphor for how we in the West — as individuals, families, healthcare providers, and healthcare systems — might approach caring for bodies that break and bend and rupture and age.
As we seemingly prepare to return to a world that has kept us scrambling for some semblance of normalcy and balance, Kintsugi may well be a way to make sense of — or, at least, find some spark of meaning and purpose from the wounding and loss of this global exile. Kintsugi is an apt metaphor and a doorway in to conversations that help us make peace with the demon COVID, and the losses every one of us have incurred and continue to live with.
Westerners — and Americans, in particular — privatize our flaws and our vulnerabilities. We keep our cracks hidden from view by pretending they do not exist, by engaging in intentional busy-ness, by fearing the necessary confrontations of truth to power, both within and without us. Denial does not repair our wounds; it only prolongs and deepens the effect they have on our hearts, minds, and bodies, and our loved ones.
We do these things because we are quick to fear discomfort. Any pop in our knee or blip in our digestion or error in our computations or relationship that falls wide of the mark
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Judy Giovangelo is a HEART with EARS trained in a proven method to support you on your grief journey!
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Coming Home
Finding Shelter in the Love and Wisdom of Paramahansa Yogananda
MARGARET WOLFF
KINTSUGI continued from page 28 puts us on the defensive. And shrinks our possibilities. We suspect the worst and medicate our anomalies because we fear change and disability, and we do not know how to honor the passage of time. We are loath to admit we need help. We do not know how to grow new beauty from the challenges we face, or repurpose the cardinal aspects of the lives we’ve lived in new ways, that will inspire our sense of purpose and bring comfort and joy to others. As our imperfections become harder to hide, we simply feel “less than,” and ashamed.
Things fall apart. Accidents happen. Bodies wear out over time. Change is inevitable, and challenge is the mother of simplicity and authenticity, as well as invention. But what if being vulnerable, if reaching out for help, if telling our story to others, if finding value in imperfections became part of our mindset about what constitutes health care? What if our lives were Kintsugi-driven, and we learned to aggrandize the cards we were dealt, and lived our lives — every last juicy part of them — as a sacred encounter? How beautiful.
Every human being, whether we realize it or not, is waiting for the moment when we can finally say a resounding, “Yes!” to the beauty inside us — to the joy, the peace, the truth of who we really are. Psychotherapist Carl Jung called this part of us “the Hidden Immortal.” We’ve always known there was something special about us.
You don’t have to be Japanese to live Kintsugi, you just have to be willing and sincere and true to yourself. And perhaps “a shade braver,” as poet David Whyte is fond of saying. It’s a soul thing, an inner awakening and commitment to a mindset that has nothing to do with religion, race, economics, social prominence, age, gender, or even health. All that outer stuff is a wall, not a window.
MAKE AN ORDINARY LIFE EXTRAORDINARY Go for the gold and restore the beauty with simple mindfulness techniques.
There is a beautiful affirmation from the teachings of the great yogi, Paramahansa Yogananda, in his book, Scientific Healing Affirmations, that if recited frequently, with deep attention and feeling — before bed, upon rising, at any time of the day when the press of life begins to make you feel small — can jumpstart and strengthen your relationship with the sacredness of all life.
I am submerged in eternal light. It permeates every particle of my being. I am living in that light. The divine spirit fills me within and without. Ask yourself what is sacred to you — what attributes, values, feelings and ideas inspire and energize you. Make a list. Make these things your friends. Keep their company. If this is not clear, explore what is not sacred to you, what your God, the God of your heart, is not. This often calls up images of a didactic, distant, authoritarian arbitrator of right and wrong, of heaven and hell. Obviously not someone you want to have any relationship with at all! Find your “yes!” opposite your “no!” Start an internal dialog with that sacredness you are courting. Frequent, honest, warm-hearted conversations are integral to every good partnership. Ask for help when you need it. Or ask the universe to show you what’s next or to lead you to someone who knows what you need to know or who will witness your story or who needs a witness to their story. Do the legwork. Start an exploratory conversation. Read spiritual books, such as Autobiography of a Yogi. Be in nature. Practice stillness. Mine the silence. Listen to your inner voice. Ask “What if I …? instead of “Why can’t I …” Push the edge of your habitual envelope. The sacredness you are courting is also courting you. Open your eyes, your mind, your heart. “If you build it, he/she/it will come.” Learn to meditate. The Sanskrit word yoga means “union.” Meditation opens your heart and your mind to the truth, goodness and beauty of all life. It facilitates a gradual reparation and restoration of your relationship with the healthiest part of yourself, your soul, your wholeness. It helps you make peace with your past, live in the holiness of the present moment and, thus, alter the course of your future. Meditation is the adventure of a lifetime.
Margaret Wolff is an art therapist, retreat leader, and author of “Coming Home: Finding Shelter in the Love and Wisdom of Paramahansa Yogananda,” and “In Sweet Company: Conversations with Extraordinary Women About Living A Spiritual Life.” Her work celebrates the collective wisdom and the power of creativity to reveal the truth and beauty of our inner lives. Visit ComingHomeStories.com.
