HONIBOY
vol. 26 – comedy 2024
CONTENTS FOR THE BOYS
So, another issue of USyd’s favourite boy’s magazine: Honiboy. Our valued subscribers may have noticed a resurgence of misogyny in student politics at our University: if people are going to act like it’s the 1970’s, we thought we might as well bring back the slick graphic design.
On our cover: Mark Scott. He’s been a very naughty boy introducing the CAP this year, and has been an absolute pig when it comes to divestment. He told us he was looking for a career change, saying something about redeeming himself by playing with gender. “Sexy-Washing” he called it. And who were we not to oblige? Anything for our Honiboy subscribers.
We have an incredibly sexy edition lined up for you guys. We locked twenty bisexuals in the Wentworth basement to produce the best love and sex advice for our yearning romantics and horny brats. We leaked USyd’s planned degree replacements, so Honiboy subscribers can get the jump on these unprecedented changes.
Our nostalgic readers can also reminisce over all the inked-up hotties who dined and dashed. Those without tattoos (nerds) can find a full-spread monopoly game, so you can play out all those campus fantasies from the comfort of your parent’s living room. Our more active subscribers may enjoy our sports spread: perhaps the most masculine page we’ve ever printed! We’ve served out the betting odds, so be sure to take a punt. All proceeds go to Family Planning NSW, who are always there when you get into a jam.
So dive into Honiboy, full of runway rejects who don’t have long left in the job. Times are changing and rumour has it that Honiboy might go with it.
Acknowledging
our biases
One of the biggest hurdles any journalist must overcome is personal bias, and the editors at HoniBoy are no different. In our last 12 months of reporting, and in particular, in the last few weeks as we gear up for our coverage in 2025, acknowledging our personal bias has been a major point of discussion for our team.
YES: I am a male ‘artist’
YES: I am a DJ
NO: I will not take accountability for my actions
YES: I misgendered Judith Butler
YES: I study English
NO: I do not believe in asexuality
YES: I study electrical engineering
YES: I spent my days in PNR
NO: I didn’t realise the meat at LoveBuds was vegan
YES: I have accidentally posted multiple Honi Soit one of Mark Scott, on my personal Instagram
YES: I graduated four years ago
NO: I will not log out of the Honi email
YES: I am well adjusted
YES: My parents love me
NO: I have never felt the need to do debating
YES: I tell people I am bisexual
YES: I am a DJ
NO: I have never found a woman attractive
YES: I fuck with the Education Building
YES: I am a 32 year old Urbex artist (Fuck you cityrail)
NO: I do not go to USyd
YES: On 26th of September, 2024, I tweeted “DEAGLAN GODWIN I FW YOU HEAVY”
YES: I sought refuge in the arms of a Beautiful Bolshevik
NO: I will not buy your book, Tom Bramble
If you would like to know more about our screening processes for articles, or have any concerns regarding our acknowledged biases, please do not hesitate to reach out to our team. Transparency is important to us, and we value the feedback and accountability our readers provide.
BREAKING: New degrees announced
In a Honiboy exclusive, we can reveal that USyd will replace a number of degrees in 2025, in the biggest shakeup at the institution since the introduction of OLEs and Advanced Studies in 2016.
The Bachelor of Arts, the Bachelor of Science, the Bachelor of Engineering, the Bachelor of Laws and the Bachelor of Education will all be cut to make way for the new degrees.
Honiboy subscribers beware: students of the old degrees will NOT be able to continue their studies. But take heart, this is a massive educational expansion in a shock reversal of years of ruthless course cuts.
You, Honiboy subscribers, are now ahead of the curve! See the leaked catalogue here.
YOUNG CREATIVES BEWARE: Tattoo audit announced for
Are you sick of covering the costs of split dinners and shared Ubers for your flashtatted friends? Are their limbs always conspicuously coccooned by glad-wrap shielding another referential stippled masterpiece?
Do you scratch your head in confusion as you read yet another Instagram story reading “thanks @_____ ghost__ for the new ink,” while you anxiously wait on receiving money back for tickets to John Maus?
Many people have been living like you. Fear not: Inner West Council is mandating the electorate’s first Tattoo Audit.
After months of vigilantes performing the same work through intervention and BeemIt wars of attrition, the
2026
doors of Young Creatives will be knocked upon for their ink to be scrutinised & priced. Even though they appear to be dogshit, flash tats can range from prices such as a dart and a Ps5 game all the way to 3 grand (cash pls).
The audit seeks to expose the scourge of shit friends not paying you back only to put the profit margin into literally the worst ink you have seen in your life.
Honiboy spoke to one inked individual: “I just wanted to be drain gang. Now none of my friends invite me to group sessions at Cairo Takeaway because they say they cant trust me to pull my weight with the split bill.”
Albo: “My public housing unit was smaller than the PULP office”
Meet the guys ungentrifying Vic on the Park by organising dogfights
Grassroots to be headed by Elvis impersonator in 2025
Zine culture goes mad: Liberal party creates a zine to “infiltrate the inner west,” insider source reveals
Fisher Library security to upskill with Mossad over summer break
Mark Scott: hung or not? Honiboy finds out!
Blind Item Revealed #1: Ghost of Albanese Past
You may have heard of the Ghost of Christmas Past, but be prepared for the Ghost of Albanese past. And no, we’re not referring to Anthony Albanese’s brief stint (or stunt) in Palestine activism.
Honiboy has seen blueprints of a proposed plan entitled ‘Operation CAP’: Kill Albo’s Past. Albanese has approved the demolition of the Marrickville Town Hall, and the backbuilding that was previously the Marrickville Library. Despite being Albanese’s preferred voting location, he is reportedly not one to hold onto sentimentality. In fact, anonymous sources say that Albanese was fearful of being accused of underground tunnels.
On the precondition that he is re-elected, Albanese has vowed to turn these spaces into student
housing for St Brigid’s & Casimir students living beyond a 2 km radius. Albanese has also been in extensive consultations with student politicians across Sydney, in vain, but admirable attempts to incorporate his second house into the working-class identity. The solution: selective activism and only loaning out rooms to his son’s university friends.
In a surprise twist, our covergirl Markie “Mark” Scott is set to move into the PM’s Marrickville Rd office. “I’ve always wanted to be closer to Adel’s Salon so I can bring back my favourite look –the goatee,” Scott told Honiboy.
“I’d like to thank Albanese for extending this invitation and I look forward to sharing an office when he is not re-elected,” Scott concluded.
Blind Item
Revealed #2:
Battle of the replacements
verheard, a fallout between Queen Camilla & Kamala Harris. And deary me, right be-
Kamala Harris: Camilla. Queen Camilla: Kamala.
KH: You look bedazzling. Whose backyard did you raid to find all these jewellery?
QC: Thank you. It was just something I found when rummaging through Frogmore Cottage.
KH: Speaking of, Meghan and Harry have been such an asset to the United States. Thank you for sending them over.
QC: (mutters in Tolkien English) We are so happy to be of service.
KH: How have you been?
QC: It’s been a pleasant few days. Although I have begun to lose my voice after greeting and thanking so many people. It’s exhausting.
KH: I highly recommend drinking coconut water, it has done wonders for the projection of my voice and laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
QC: I will let the staff know to add it to the Palace shopping list. I am quite partial to macaroons during high tea. You should come once this election business is sorted. Hopefully in your favour, hahahah.
KH: (deflecting) Let’s talk husbands. What’s your favourite thing about Charles and what’s your least favourite thing? I can
start.
QC: Wait, you want to talk about Charles?
KH: Silly me, Doug and I would never talk about each other in public. We need to present a united front.
QC: Are you insinuating that the constitutional monarchy, and by extension, Charlie and I, do not present a united front?
KH: No, of course you do. That’s why the US Studies Centre and the ALP Club at Sydney University rejected your invitation to the barbecue in Parramatta Park.
QC: How dare you!
KH: You are speaking to the next President of the United States. I’d watch your tone.
QC: This conversation has taken quite the turn.
KH: Yes, dear Umbridge. I’m afraid it has.
QC: I’m not even wearing pink today. Therefore, your insult is quite redundant. You only know how to insult Trump.
KH: Is that so? I’d rather be ambushed at public events than ever speak to you again!
QC: Fine!
KH: Fine.
END OF CONVERSATION.
Party? Party! Party.
CELEBRATE Honiboy’s final edition of the year this Wednesday night at the Lord Gladstone...come down for some free bevvies, terrible art, even worse DJs and insufferable conversations. Maybe you’ll get some zines from our lost and found department... FUNDED BY YOUR SSAF
Out of the archives
When rooting around in the archives, Honiboy found a furious letter from a raging alumnus from the Men’s Union upon the announcement that the Sydney University Men’s Union was to merge with the Women’s Union in 1972.
LADY SOIT PRESENTS... THE LOVE ADVICE COLUMN
Move over, Honiboy — Lady Soit is here to answer your questions on dating, sex, love and heartbreak.
We asked our loyal readers what they need advice on, and they did not disappoint. Read on for a few of our hottest tips — but remember, we never kiss and tell!
Q: How do I make a move on the cute quiet guy in my interdisciplinary class?
A: Why don’t you try to match his freak by taking a mime class?
Q: I am planning to end a five year long relationship with my boyfriend because of his mum.
A: Totally normal thing to experience! Why don’t you start trying ways to finesse his mum and make her feel special.
Q: My girlfriend keeps telling me that she wants to feel loved and be taken out on dates. How do I deal with this level of high maintenance?
A: Break up with her she’s soooooooooo crazy.
Q: I want to bring my SAlt boyfriend to family dinner. I live in a sandstone mansion in Hunters Hill.
A: Let him redistribute that wealth girl. And also let him rizz up your mum.
Q: I (24M) am the President of a Big Faculty Society and I find one of our new recruits (17F about to turn 18) cute and sweet. How can I tell if she sees me as a big brother or a potential love interest?
A: Sounds like there is no power imbalance there — make a move in a public setting!
Q: I’ve called myself (23F) bisexual for years but the thought of dating a man makes me feel ill. I’ve been in 7 consecutive situationships with women.
A: You are bisexual, hope this helps. There are no such things as lesbians.
most amazing woman with a passionate mutual attraction but I am going to be editing Honi Soit in a month. How do I proceed?
A: Honi Soit? Sounds like a bore with a capital B. Whatever you do don’t tell her — the attraction won’t be mutual for very long when she finds out. Consider working for Lady Soit; she’ll find you irresistible.
Q: I’m in Filmsoc and my girlfriend— A: Wow!
Q: The guy I’m seeing studies political economy—
A: It’s over.
Q: I’m trying to score brownie points in the polycule. We’re always looking for new places to have sex outside the sharehouse. I thought I’d take them somewhere on campus, where should I go?
A: Room 205 in the Physics Building is a good shout x
what does your love language say about your stupol faction?
Follow the arrows in this flow chart to reach post-coital clarity!
I think missionary is the best sex position
I believe sex should only take place in the bedroom
I value aftercare following sex
Like any true comrade, you’ve arrived here because you believe the Revolution shouldn’t be restricted to the bedroom, and that pleasing Marx should always be your first priority. Aftercare might be permissible, but only if it sustains the movement.
I prefer to take it slow and steady I enjoy giving and receiving head
I enjoy using sex toys and trying new things
My partner(s)’ pleasure is the most important thing to me during sex
I like taking charge
Uh oh, it looks like your lust for power and complete disregard for anyone but yourself makes you a filthy conservative! While things might get hot and heavy quickly, they’re unlikely to last more than 0.5 seconds. With such little skill and charm, you’re sure to end up alone.
I value foreplay I have made (or would be willing to make) a sex tape
I enjoy exploring kink and BDSM
Despite good intentions and an open mind, your recent carelessness towards other peoples’ needs has caused you to lose your edge. Maybe try doing some of the work yourself - not all love-making has to feel like re-distributing the labour!
I enjoy role playing with my partner(s)
Much like what you claim to stand for politically, your sex preferences are only just left of centre. You’re in serious need of change from within - because it appears that even though you’re at the table, you’ve never been on the menu to be eaten out.
The New Taking Over
Manly PUNK SCENE Has
Words by Every Music Writer
Ever
Leather jackets brush against each other in the pit as cigarettes are passed around just outside. The air smells of alcohol and the band is going crazy. The front man is wearing a shirt that says “FUCK CONSUMERISM”. This is what punk rock is all about, I think to myself.
Deep in the urban centre of the Manly Corso, a new punk movement is forming. The traditionally working class neighbourhood has for a long time been a haven of the outcasts and marginalised, and finally it is beginning to make its mark on the wider Sydney music scene.
“You never see people like me up on the big stage,” states David ‘Davo’ Morris (28), lead vocalist of SURF-FUCK. Founded in the second garage of bassist Nathan ‘Nathe’ Jones’ Balgowlah house, the band came together out of a love for loud music and hatred for all systems of oppression. One such system that Davo frequently mentioned was the government welfare system, Centrelink. “It’s bloody bullshit that me and my mates aren’t allowed on it,” he told me. “Just because of who we are, and where we were born, and who our parents are, we’re told were not allowed to just live. In my opinion they should burn down the whole system. Isn’t that what punk rock is all about?”
SURF-FUCK has been among the rising stars of the Northern Beaches Hardcore Scene, following the success of similar acts such as Never Interrupt My Bloody Youth
(N.I.M.B.Y.) and Sure Buoys.
While the Manly Corso has typically been home to Ukulele performances of Riptide and other Indie-rock acts, these bands have been bringing a brand new sound to the Northern Beaches.
“We like to stay grounded in the genre’s origins as a working-class movement,” Davo tells me. Such an influence is apparent in songs such as ‘I Don’t Wanna Work (No More)’ and ‘Fuck the Rich’. When asked if any particular experience inspired the song, Davo cited his time spent working at MJC (Morris, Jones & Carrington) legal firm.
When asked about the band’s purpose in the wider music scene, Davo spoke at length about what he saw as the biggest problem in Sydney.
“It’s so gentrified,” he told me. “You used to be able to go see real music, and now it’s just a bunch of commercialised shit.
What ever happened to the real punk-rockers, like Johnny Rotten? And Kurt Cobain? And … Ah, you get the point.”
“You walk down the street and people don’t even say hi anymore. They’re too stuck in their own bubble.”
After our short interview, Davo proceeded to absolutely shred an E Minor Pentatonic on stage while performing ‘Fuck the Steyne’. Following this, SURF-FUCK showed a strong, uncompromising political message with their new hit single ‘Stop The Bombs (On Tel-Aviv)’.
The set closed to a rendition of ‘Sweet Caroline’.
Australiana Found Its New Sound?
Bloke McMateship reports
Peter Garrett. Goph Whitlam. William Bligh. Angus Young. These are the names that have come to define Aussie Rock. But who will take the movement forward into the next generation? Look no further than The Bush In their latest show at Marrickville Bowling Club, the four piece demonstrated a desire to keep the torch burning for this great thing we call Australian Culture.
“We’re a political band at heart,” stated lead vocalist Harry, continuing, “we believe in standing up for things, which is why we have been vocal about political issues, like the 2022 election … and also the Voice.”
With hit tracks like ‘Let’s Go To War With China’ and ‘Nothing Bad Happened in the 1970s’, the Dingos have been making a serious name for themselves on the pub rock scene. “We think people are too stuck up about things nowadays,” guitarist Charlie stated, “people like us because we’re anarchists, because we don’t give a stuff about anything, which they resonate with. We just want things to be chill, like in the 70s.”
The Dingos have shown no sign of slowing down, and in fact have recently partnered with an unnamed organisation for the release of their new single, ‘We Should All Vote for Labor’.
“In a way, we’re sort of like the first fleet” Charlie stated, unprompted.
CAMPUS STUDS
Top looks to make all the girls go crazy!
1 - The FULL Elvis
Hey hey hey, impress the ladies by emulating the king of rock n’ roll himself. The capes and bellbottom flare pants are IN! Bedazzled like a disco ball in the sun, all eyes will be on you. But don’t let anyone step on your blue seude shoes!
2 - Breaking Free
Sick of blending into the crowd? Stand out by getting into patterns and prints. Leotards may get a little uncomfortable around the crotch, but you’ll be sure to catch eyes as you clip and clop up and down Eastern Avenue. Just beware the bulge (unless you’re into that kinda thing)!
3 - Cleanboy
Slick back with fresh and clear-cut silhouettes. Those straight lines and edges will make you the coolest guy on the block. Show off those legs, but keep the ladies guessing with those covered arms. Finish off with an off-shoulder bag to hold all the emotional vulnerability you refuse to show to your sixth situationship in three months!
4 - Homme Fatale
Montrez ces chevilles en mangeant votre gressin! Séduisez les dames avec juste une touche de couleur ainsi que votre accent; ils tomberont aux pieds de vos chaussures noires brillantes et bien cirées. Hon hon hon chérie.
5 - Dadcore
Make your girlfriend call you daddy with this look! It doesn’t matter what kind of man you are, making your special lady laugh is the most powerful aphrodisiac. Bon appetit!
6 - The Boyband
All the girls will call you baby when you and your boys show up to the party with these looks! Colour coordinate, mix and match, the options are endless. Just make sure you have your posse with you for maximum effect!
UNION
Honiboy’s Top Five ‘Union Thugs’ of 2024
There’s nothing scarier than a trade union.
Each day the tyrannical rule of the trade union in Australia grows stronger. Our proud Aussie values of honesty, hard work, mateship (not gay), wage theft, and larrikinism are threatened by the likes of greedy union ruffians and democratically elected representatives. Steer clear of these renowned tyrants who seek to bring about the end of democracy with their dangerous ideals.
5. Union of Concerned Scientists
Make no mistake! These scientists are a bunch of REDS looking to take advantage of your soft spot for ‘the environment’ and concern about ‘global warming’; whatever that is. Kyoto agreement? Sounds like a bunch of bolshevik rubbish to me.
Thought that actors were a bunch of pushover layabouts? Wrong!
It’s lights, cameras, and industrial action over at ‘Mighty’ Michael Balk’s Media Entertainment & Arts Alliance. “All I wanted was to direct my movie”, a local director told Honiboy. “A little guy like me can’t beat them! They told me I need to actually pay all of the actors! How am I meant to do that?!”
4. Michael ‘Brawn’ Balk
Drew Barrymore heads NTEU
ticket called “picket up”
NTEU member Jason Todd cast in Batman 2
MATTERS
1. Nick ‘Roughhouse’ Riemer
Union Boss Bryson ‘The Brute’ Constable has been ruling over the USU with an iron fist for the past couple months since his ascendancy to the position of President.
Though traditionally Liberals have worked against unions, it seems Constable has been hellbent on running the USU as his personal fiefdom, showing no signs of slowing down his amassment of power. Various sources have alleged that through the process of “incorporation” Constable has headed, the USU has come to resemble a criminal organisation.
Some allege that drug routes have been established through the colleges, while others have commented on various “disappearances” of high profile USU members who have questioned Constable’s leadership. In response to the allegations of drug trafficking, Constable vehemently denied this, stating: “drugs, that’s a dirty business.”
Though many know this smiling face as TV star ‘Bob The Builder’ the criminal history of Bobby ‘Bruiser’ McGraw tells a much darker story.
Since his five month stint in Long Bay for alleged possession of a firearm, McGraw has been working as a general contractor in Sydney, and would soon work his way up in the NSW branch of the CFMEU.
After his prison sentence ruined his chances of making it as a children’s TV show personality, McGraw evidently turned to bribery, blackmail, and violence, as former colleague ‘Scoop’ alleges. Scoop stated that after sharing plans to shift away from the union towards independent business, McGraw threatened him with violence, stating he would “break your fuckin’ scoop and slash your tires”.
If you’ve spent enough time around the University campus, you’re bound to have seen former NTEU President Roughhouse Riemer engaging in some “civil intellectual discussion” with University management.
Whether this occurs at the negotiation table or in a dark alley behind the John Woolley Building, Riemer is a guy who gets his way. Dare to cross tertiary workers anywhere and you will be sure to feel his wrath. Though now his term as President of the union has concluded, Riemer’s Revolution is far from over. As we write this, he was last spotted lighting a molotov cocktail outside F23, overheard to be saying “Try to put an austerity measure on this, dickheads!”
3. Bryson ‘The Brute’ Constable
2. Bob ‘Bruiser’ the Builder
Try Newourand Improved USyd ‘Monooply’
RRP 500 AUD... unless you’re a Honiboy subscriber.
Choose your token...
Megaphone Labor Party Card
Community Chest
Israeli Ties! Steal a property from another player.
Community Chest
You are spotted protesting against austerity cuts/weapons manufacturers/nazis/ human rights violations. Go straight to Jail.
?
Illegal Bake Sale The Concept Of ‘Interdisciplinarity’
Community Chest
The Australian contacts you! Write a 200 word testimony about how Palestinian flags make you uncomfortable and receive $200!
Chance
Chance You become influenced by Freya Leach’s Tiktok! Marry the nearest gay man.
You experience misogyny in the campus left! For some reason this is your fault. Pay $200 for ‘transformative justice’.
Your favourite stupol factions HONIBOY
if they were NRL teams
Honiboy loves Rugby League as much as the next guy, which is why we’ve put our Sports Editor on the task of creating this list for the footy-obsessed stupol watcher. Whether you barrack for the Sharks or the Sea Eagles, this page will have something for you.
Grassroots = Canberra Raiders
Closer to Canberra than they think, Grassroots live and breathe the Viking life. You may have heard the Viking clap (otherwise known as the heckling) during the Presidential debate and elsewhere. Well that marketing stroke of genius was truly in the air in 2019, the year Grassroots began its 5-years of consecutive presidencies. Coincidence? We think not.
NLS = South Sydney Rabbitohs x
St George-Illawarra
Dragons
NLS are an interesting mix… between the South Sydney Rabbitohs and the St GeorgeIllawarra Dragons. They may be Labor red, but that they sometimes veer into green (or at least, that’s what they think). Will they breathe fire next year or will they scurry away into their rabbit hole? Time will tell.
Switch = Balmain Tigers
Rest in peace to Balmain Tigers… and Switch. Fans may not be happy with the current state of the West Tigers but it’s okay, after every low, there will be a light switch going off. The wooden spoon can only be a learning curve that triggers the comeback… right?
Liberals = Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks
Watch out, they can bite and they can swim the lap. It would have been easy to put down the Roosters, but that’s way too obvious. Besides the blue, the Liberals are born and bred in the Shire. Yet they always seem ‘away’. Come on Libs, time for a trip to the Sharkies Leagues Club on Captain Cook Drive.
SAlt = Manly Sea Eagles
Who doesn’t love when a socialist picks up a megaphone and preaches their message to the masses? They just love to swarm you on Eastern Avenue (from SAlt with love). We can’t help but say: SAlt is putting the ‘man’ in Manly.
Engineers = Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
Engineers going to engineer… a salary cap scheme for the ages. They may be clever, but they are also high and mighty. Watch out because once you meet one, you will never be able to avoid the whole pack.
Solidarity Brisbane Broncos
A burgundy in a sea of reds and greens and blues. You can’t help but want to know more about them, yet this tight-knit group seems further away than Brisbane.
Artistry = Parramatta Eels
The team with continuous momentum, threatening to peek its head every now and then. Yet, the premiership drought has gone on for far too long. Their time will come.
Unity = Gold Coast Titans
We didn’t forget about Unity! Like the Titans, they are there. But there are so many other SE QLD teams out there. The question is how to stand out.
Penta = Sin bin ...for breaching the exclusion zone.
Honi Soit = Melbourne Storm
You may not like us, but you can’t deny us. Even as some of the greats leave, new talent will continue to emerge and sit atop the ladder. Remember that in the stupol scene, you will never walk alone. Honi Soit is always watching...
...Come on mate!! Rugby League? What is this? 1985?! Honiboy Palaeontology
Editor here and I think that’s way too contemporary! I’m going to take this back to the land before time and ask a really cool question: if the stupol factions were dinosaurs, which dinosaurs would they be?
SPORTS
Grassroots = Coelophysis
Coelophysis is loud, fast, and an effective hunter. It’s also one of the most famous examples of dinosaur cannibalism ever. These things devour their own kind, as preserved in an infamous fossil straight out of the Triassic.
NLS = Stygimoloch
Stygimoloch may look different at first glance, but at the end of the day it’s basically the same thing as Pachycephalosaurus. At least it has some crazy head spikes though so that’s cool, I guess.
Switch = Laelaps
Laelaps used to be a big name in the dinosaur scene, even having one of the most famous examples of vintage paleoart painted of it — Leaping Laelaps by Charles Knight. It is now a nomen dubium; in short it no longer exists.
Liberals = Camptosaurus
Camptosaurus is literally the loser dinosaur. In every single documentary this thing is in, it’s getting absolutely wiped out by an Allosaurus. Like seriously obliterated from the face of the earth, usually in one fell swoop. It has absolutely nothing going for it. No spikes, no sails, no clubs, no horns, and no claws. It eats vegetables and dies. That’s it.
SAlt = Pachyrhinosaurus
Pachyrhinosaurus looks impressive; it’s loud, it’s big, and it has a brightlycoloured frill that it uses to show off. At the end of the day though, it’s a ceratopsian without horns. Which is pretty impotent. Despite the bark: no bite.
Bet on it
Honiboy is excited to reveal the betting odds for next season. Get your wallets ready boys! Who knows, you might win big!
Angus Fisher shakes hands with Anthony Albanese. 1.01/1
Asbestos is detected in the Education Building. 1.1/1
Engineers = Kentrosaurus
Kentrosaurus has been long misunderstood... we used to think the big shoulder spike was above the back hip. Regardless, its spines are strong, and its not a stegosaurid to be messed with.
Solidarity = Psittacosaurus
Psittacosaurus is an early ceratopsian; What most people don’t know is that Pachyrhinosaurus evolved from it, splitting off way back in the Maastrichtian. But when it comes down to it, it’s rather small, not particularly flashy, and your average punter doesn’t know it exists.
Artistry = Lambeosaurus
Lambeosaurus can make loud noises with its head trumpet. If that doesn’t belong at the Con, I’m not sure what does…
Grassroots ejects over half its current members. 1.5/1 The Chemistry Building fucking explodes. 1.7/1
Honi Soit’s incoming editorial team sheds two members, becoming the Honi Eight once again. 2/1
Wentworth Building is replaced with the Belinda Hutchinson Aerospace Museum. 3/1
Freya Leach and Cooper Gannon get divorced by 2030. 5/1
Unity = Pachycephalosaurus
Pachycephalosaurus has a hard head, and it’s not afraid to use it to batter other dinosaurs into submission. In the end though, despite being “famous” no one really remembers it exists. It’s certainly rarely anyone’s favourite, anyway.
Penta = Brontosaurus
Brontosaurus may have been put on the bench for breaching the (palaeontological) regs, but it’s back now, and bigger than ever!
Honi Soit = Quetzacoatlus
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS PTEROSAURS ARE NOT DINOSAURS. This particular one is really fucking cool though. It was the size of a light plane and hunted dinosaurs by walking around on the ground like a giant flying death giraffe. Sounds pretty dope to me.
Sharma sues Honi Soit for defamation. 15/1
USyd bans Lime bikes on campus. 20/1
Closure of Eastern Avenue for good. 25/1
Mark Scott is forced to resign as USyd Vice Chancellor. 50/1
Mandatory interdisciplinary units are discontinued. 100/1
Satvik
THE NAVEL GAZETTE
ZINE LAUNCH AFFAIRS
Zine Launch Correspondent
The cops did a welfare check on my Darlinghurst apartment yesterday afternoon because of reports of yelling and rocking back and forth and screaming and crying and erratic shitposting on X. I am alienating my oomfies daily. I have been blanking out and regaining sentience to Family Guy Funny Moments. My change in disposition seems to correlate with my recent Navel Gazette posting as Zine Launch Correspondent.
This is my own personal purgatory. I am drinking FELLR and Young Henry’s most evenings only because they seem to be sponsoring any fucking rich kid with the funds to self publish because they couldnt get published anywhere else. I can’t take this job anymore. Newscorp would treat me more mercifully.
I am seeking solace in seltzers because my shrink is on leave and my boss tells me if I don’t cover the next three zine launches then I can kiss my job goodbye. I was looking forward to meeting writers and using my MFA to write book reviews, but instead I get lost finding “emerging art galleries” at 9.30pm on a Thursday.
There’s a lot that I find intolerable but nothing makes me want to scream more than the spoken word section. I huddle behind the audience, breaking out in hives because my epidermis can’t take all the Aesop mandarin rind. My feet are wet. A string of five men get onto the stage and deliver some impassioned broken verse about bad sex. Then I have to read their writing all over again in the empty, sans-serif flanked glossy pages. It is a masturbatory vanity project and I hate myself. Twelve hours of work,
and I still can’t sleep... Days go on and on... they don’t end. All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go. I don’t believe that one should devote his life to morbid selfattention, I believe that one should become a person like other people.
June 29th. I gotta get in shape now. Too much sittin’ is ruinin’ my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on, it will be fifty push-ups each morning, fifty pull-ups. There’ll be no more pills, there’ll be no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on, it will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight.
ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Navel Gazette, I am an International Relations student and I selected 1st year Creative Writing to boost my WAM so I can transfer into law. How can I guarantee an HD?
Kindly, A concerned student.
Hi concerned student, Thanks for writing in. So glad to hear the next generation of creators are using English courses for grade inflation. This won’t impact the quality of Australia’s literary output at all.
There is one tried and true method to secure that well-needed 90+. Don’t bother flirting with your tutor, or putting effort into your workshop week. Simply search up your tutor’s PhD and reproduce it in a slightly lesser form. By all means, cite the dissertation repeatedly in your exegesis. For extra good measure, attend their spoken word poetry event at Sapphos bar and get queerbaited by them when they introduce you to their boyfriend even though you totally thought they were a lesbian.
Good luck, NG
INKY INQUIRY: INTERVIEW WITH RIANNA DOONEY
The Navel Gazette sat down with Rianna Dooney to discuss their upcoming novel which breaks new ground.
NG: Thank you for sitting down with us. How have you been?
RD: To be honest, I’m still adjusting to the time zone change. I just got back from my 19-week Euro Summer trip where I debated a bunch of Aperol Spritzes in front of the Colosseum. It reminded me of my university days, where I special cons’ed most of my law assignments to get drunk at the World University Debating Championships open bar.
NG: Okay.. so tell us about your new novel, I Am Dating(?) a Man.
RD: I was just thinking about the greatest issue that faces women right now. I tried to step out of my comfort
zone though. Usually, my protagonist is a straight skinny introverted white woman. In I Am Dating(?) a Man, she is instead bisexual, which represents a new frontier for my writing.
NG: Interesting that you’ve switched up the character archetype. How did you work this into your writing process?
RD: Well, the character’s bisexuality really affects her situationship with the main love interest, Jared. There’s a will they commit, won’t they commit atmosphere throughout the whole novel, and this adds a new dimension. Will she just leave this stupid beefboy for a woman?
NG: And please spoil it for me, does she?
RD: Of course not! I need to sell books after all.
TELL-ALL: I AM A FLOPPED OVER WOMAN ON A BOOK COVER AND I’VE ACTUALLY NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE, INTERNALLY
1.
YOU CAN’TMake This Shit Up
4.
2.
3.
6. no comment this one aged well lol
Honi editor from 2003 now avid antiabortion activist
‘guys i promise i care about Palestine though’
5.
Cooper Gannon insists on Tel Aviv Honeymoon for some reason Mr President begs for forgiveness:
Crossword: Michael Smith, Rob Edgar and Corey McQuire
1974 ‘Economics Revue’ ad
Cruciverbalists, eat your heart out
Across:
1. 43-across authored by Ernie Bushmiller in the 30’s that was revived in the 2010’s 6. 43-across that was adapted into a Spielberg film in 2011
12. 43-across featuring a famous lasagna lover
20. Word after soap or space
21. Franchise in which Drake voices a teenage mammoth
22. Group supervisor, say
23. Pioneer of American newspaper cartoons Frederick
24. Kneel in respect to, as to a Chinese Emperor
25. Came to pass, as a tragedy
26. Neighborhood to get kimchi and bibimbap, informally
27. Self ___, character archetype in literature
28. Gives, as a driver’s license
29. 43-Across featuring a fictional dog on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
36. With “the”, 43-across which the
infamous “Cow Tools” panel comes from 43. With 51-across, newspaper feature represented in this puzzle
48. Premier league team whose fans dub themselves “The Gooners”
49. Comedian Conner who starred in 2024’s “I Saw the TV Glow”
50. Thom Yorke album whose name comes from the Latin for “soul”
51. Reservation to play, in golf lingo
52. “Ooh, show me!”
53. See 43-across
54. Not referenced
55. Stamper’s needs
56. Nickelodeon characters, slangily
Down:
1. Cubbyhole
2. Booking, for short
3. Lead in to baby or hire
4. Short cut?
5. Spin on words?
6. Jacoby’s ___ Bar (King St. venue)
7. Desktop feature
8. Word after Seven or Nine
9. ___ Modern, English art museum that’s the fourth-most visited worldwide
10. 2019 Tyler, The Creator album with a pink cover
11. Small salamander
12. Mongolian word that gives its name to the world’s sixth-largest desert
13. Blvd. or St. alternatives
14. Umps
15. German equivalent to “Mrs.”
16. ___ of Man
17. Parramatta NRL team
18. “___-speak”, online style of writing where letters are replaced with numbers, l1k3 th1s
19. 1962 film that started the James Bond
franchise
29. Maori two-edged club
30. Yeager of ‘Attack on Titan’
31. “Gimme just ___!”
32. ___ pot (sinus-care device)
33. Absolute ___ (large and strong person, in modern slang)
34. 2021 Australian of the year Grace
35. Huskies’ haul
36. Central features of an ellipse, in mathematics
37. “I’ll make ___ out of you” (Mulan song)
38. File counterpart
39. First step in a sun safety mantra
40. ___ Faust (Mission: Impossible character portrayed by Rebecca Ferguson)
41. Proof of ownership, say
42. Shoots a look at
43. IMDb section
44. Rightly suspicious of, say
45. Spanish surrealist painter Joan
46. Words from a successful hacker
47. Upper limits
Awards Horoscopes
JACKY HE AWARD FOR CONTROLLING THE NARRATIVE: HARRISON BRENNAN
FERRIS BUELLER’S YEAR OFF AWARD: UNITY
GIPA AWARD FOR BREAKING INTO HONI OFFICE, LOGGING INTO EDITOR’S PERSONAL MESSAGES & NAME-SEARCHING THEMSELF: ETHAN FLOYD
RONALD MCDONALD AWARD FOR BREAKING THE BOYCOTT: ALASTAIR PANZARINO
‘FULL-TIME ACTIVIST’ AWARD FOR REFUSING TO BREAK THE LAW: ELIZA CROSSLEY
BEN SHAPIRO AWARD FOR DEBATING TEENAGERS: ELLIE STEPHENSON
MOST SWAG ON CAMPUS: LIZZY KWOK
AL GORE AWARD FOR THE PRESIDENT OF OUR HEARTS: DEAGLAN GODWIN
PRUDENCE WILKINS-WHEAT WANDERLUST AWARD: SPILL FOR HONI
THE CARRIE AND BIG AWARD FOR SEEING OTHER PEOPLE: NLS
JATZ AWARD FOR CRACKERS: SRC WOMEN’S OFFICERS 2025
THE CNN AWARD FOR ACCURATE POLLING: HONI SOIT
EDUCATION STUDENT AWARD FOR SPENDING THE MOST TIME IN THE EDUCATION BUILDING: ASBESTOS SPORES
BEST ICED COFFEE ON CAMPUS: RALPH’S ITALIAN COLD COFFEE
THE CRANBERRIES AWARD FOR LINGERING: TY SEETO
THE DEMOCRACY AWARD FOR NOT SHOOTING PROTESTORS: MARK SCOTT
PISCES:
Whether or not you prefer to wear your heart on your sleeve, today your feelings might get the better of you. If you can’t get a grip on yourself it might be better to raincheck on that date; better to be safe than sorry, you’ve cried enough. That’s okay though! For you only we encourage writing those morose notes app entries. Also Labor sells out to the right.
CAPRICORN:
TAURUS:
Teetee! You sly dog you! It’s time you leave your safe bubble of homebody goodness and branch out. Catch up with a primary school friend, hit up your fwb or grab coffee with that Fine Arts lover. Honiboy thinks you need to take more risks and the moment is nigh! Also Labor sells out to the right.
AQUARIUS:
While you’re busy climbing that corporate ladder, your partner might feel like an afterthought. Your dedication to work is admirable, but it won’t help you in the bedroom if you keep prioritising spreadsheets over seduction. Don’t fall victim to the greenwashing, Honiboy begs. Also Labor sells out to the right.
ARIES:
While your free-spirited nature is appealing, don’t be surprised if your partner gets frustrated with your lack of emotional connection. If you’re not careful, your penchant for independence could leave you feeling lonely in the sheets. Embrace your quirks, but don’t push away those who crave intimacy. Remember, a little vulnerability goes a long way—unless you want to keep your involuntary celibacy at a record length. Also Labor sells out to the right.
SAGITTARIUS:
Most know you as courageous, generous and driven. Unfortunately, your tendency to run multiple hours late to a date with your partner and your uncanny ability to lovebomb your way out of it at times damper your higher qualities. Honiboy recommends you do some serious self reflection. Also Labor sells out to the right.
GEMINI:
You are a quick and witty thinker. Most people think your fatal flaw is your twofaced nature. I contest although it does pertain to groups of twos. I hate to break it to ya, people only like you because you’re bisexual. Honiboy thinks you should hide your sexual orientation on Hinge to prevent unfair prejudice. Also Labor sells out to the right.
CANCER:
You are sympathetic and sensitive to other people’s problems. Sorry, that makes you a sucker. You are always putting off doing your own tasks and because of that your life is heading to dismal places. Honiboy suggests you take to the journal instead of the create mode on Instagram. Also Labor sells out to the right.
SCORPIO:
You know what you want, and you’re not afraid to go after it—just don’t steamroll anyone in the process. Your magnetism is irresistible, but be careful; your sharp tongue might cut deeper than you intend. Indulge in your fantasies, but maybe you need new ones. If someone can’t keep up with your sexual demands, I think you know who would. Also Labor sells out to the right.
Your adventurous spirit might be leading you down some questionable paths in the bedroom this month. While you’re busy chasing thrills, don’t be surprised if your partner starts to feel like just another conquest. Your tendency to overshare your escapades isn’t doing you any favours— tread lightly, or you might find yourself single sooner than you think. Also Labor sells out to the right.
LEO:
Rumour has it a supposed ally has a hidden agenda. You know that old adage about friends and enemies and proximity? Well, Honiboy backs it. Keep em close, fuck em and interrogate em. Also, everyone gives you a bad rap about your ego, we disagree. You need more mirrors, maybe you’ll catch the back stabber. Also Labor sells out to the right.
LIBRA:
Your spoken word poetry is not kidding anyone: you don’t have empathy. Spend less time as a singer-songwriter and more time finishing your Arts degree in the intended 3 year timeframe. Honiboy thinks you should stop misusing the word “liminal space”. Also Labor sells out to the right.
VIRGO:
It’s time to throw out that rulebook and get a little messy. Stop overanalyzing everything in the bedroom and it’s no longer endearing. Speak up about your cravings—no one likes your mind games. You’re famously the only one who knows about them. Embrace spontaneity and indulge in some steamy adventures; you might just discover a side of yourself that’s been itching to break free. Also Labor sells out to the right.
Honiboy’s
REJECTED MODELS
Nickname: Bookeater
Star quality: PUBLISHED WOMAN AUTHOR
Physical attribute: BEST EYEBROWS
Reason for rejection: TOO HIGHBROW
Nickname: Dory
Star quality: Trivia king
Physical attribute: Lesbian dress sense
Reason for rejection: Likes Queensland too much
NICKNAME: The Cavalry
Star quality: King of comedy
Physical attribute: NOT THE HAIR
Reason for rejection: PULP DEFECTOR
Nickname: Parramatta rd fan
Star quality: Eye for unaligned text
Physical attribute: great boobs
Reason for rejection: Wears workwear
Nickname: Pigeon girl
Star quality: Big Name At BOUNCE!
Physical attribute: Bulletproofed knees
Reason for rejection: Fashion-blind
Nickname: Galway girl
Star quality: OB Wrangler
Physical attribute: Epic hair
Reason for rejection: Always ailed
Nickname: DESIGNATED DRIVER
Star quality: SERIAL GREETER
Physical attribute: DEEZ
Reason for rejection: IS A TWIN
VALERIE C.
AIDAN E.P.
ARIANA H.
SANDRA K.
ZEINA K.
VICTORIA G.
HUW B.
Nickname: Simona lisa
Star quality: LOUIS Griffin impression
Physical attribute: Fuckass bob
Reason for rejection: Queerbaiting
Nickname: NETU
Star quality: Tampon hair
Physical attribute: Pretzel legs
Reason for rejection: Shoes wIth holes
Nickname: Rainy
Star quality: Swag
Physical attribute: BODY IS TEA
Reason for rejection: MINECRAFT JOKES
ALSO OFF THE RUNWAY...
Pulled off the runway last minute, these are Honiboy’s rejects for being too smart and too sexy. Maybe they’ll make it to Honiboy’s gloried pages next year with their art and writing...
Anonymous
Michelle Agnelli
Purny Ahmed
Thuân Ánh
Aisha Alim
Ross Anciete
Sofia Angelini
Alexandra Angus
Jordan Anderson
Luka Anderson
Stephanie Arulthasan
Ella Avni
Lucy Bailey
Conrad Bajkowski
Rohan Baker-Wade
X Ballantyne
Martha Barlow
Maddy Barry
Kanav Batra
Simar Batra
Eko Bautista
Emily Bentancort
Naomi Binga
Claudia Blane
Iggy Boyd
Lara Braga
Juliet Breen
Jamie Bridge
Iris Brown
Madison Burland
Gerard Buttigieg
Rosina Carbone
Jesse Carpenter
Sophia Chakma Hill
Bipasha Chakraborty
Cate Chapman
Matilda Cheshire
Khushi Chevli
Chriso Chindilas
Hyewon Cho
Juneau Choo
Eden Crain
Charlie Crawford
Maya Costa
Airlie Cullen
Anastasia Dale
Persia Dell’Aquila
Tim Duff
Jesper Duffy
Ishbel Dunsmore
Sage Dwyer
Chloe Edstein
Niamh Elliott-Brennan
Edward Ellis
Gian Ellis-Gannell
Jacobina Elordina
Felicity Errington
Ethan Floyd
Nidula Fonseka
Harry Gay
Emilie Garcia-Dolnik
Eddie Gardiner
Izzy Gee
Holly Gerrard
Sidra Ghanawi
Charlotte Ghannoum
Alexander Glase
Clancy Gleeson
Kaela Goldsmith
Mariana Gouveia
Ravkaran Grewal
Sophie Grant
Lachlan Griffiths
Lisa Gronich
Rachel Halliday
Kalli Hardy
Leo Hawkins
David He
Tom Hennessey
Kayla Hill
Miles Hiroshi Huynh
Robert Hoang
Mehnaaz Hossain
Bonnie Huang
Ianni Huang
Gemma Hudson
Violet Hull
Marlow Hurst
Deepika Jain
Ting Jen Kuo
Ava Jenkin
Dana Kafina
Anthony-James Kanaan
Christopher Kane
Laudy Kareh
Kuyili Karthik
Ondine Karpinellison
Rand Khatib
Joshua Khoury
Liz Kilham
Paul Kim
Eve Krombas
Pooja Kudva
Tanisha Kurlekar
Aleina Konsam
Hanna Kwan
Charlie Lancaster
Lauren Lancaster
Peter Lavilles
Zoe Le Marinel
Alicia Lee
Josephine Lee
Veronica Lenard
Annabel Li
Soph Li Rong Tan
Gabi Lis
Luana Lima
Linnea Long
Jessica Louise Smith
Elliot Lynch
Ethan Lyons
Lauren Maccoll
Sophia Markham
Lani Marshallsea
Rasharna McCormack
Ella McGrath
Patrick McKenzie
Mariika Mehigan
Luke Mesterovic
Anica Milic
Grace Mitchell
Rose Mitchell
Isla Mowbray
Faara Nadeem
Adrian Naracita
Demyun Newynn
Jayden Nguyen
Emily O’Brien
Shania O’Brien
Sandy Ou
Nicholas Osiowy
Marc Paniza
Alexander Panzarino
Eloise Park
Lia Perkins
Alex Peter
Sachi Pirola
Ally Pitt
Aidan Pollock
Dirsten Pornel
Yasodara Puhule
Rand Qashou
Nafeesa Rahman
Darshni Rajasekar
Natarina Ramdhana
Alana Ramshaw
Mia Rankin
Evelyn Redfern
Ellie Robertson
Leanne Rook
Mabel Rytmeister
Imogen Sabey
Yashvardhan Saboo
Shreya Sahdev
Jessica Sant
Charlotte Saker
Mihir Sardana
Mahima Singh
Solomiya Siwak
Michael Smith
Jo Staas
Grace Street
Hilary Sutanto
Vince Tafea
Faye Tang
Ellie Taylor
The Tepid Schooner
Ella Thompson
Wendy Thomspon
Will Thorpe
TOHKYOH
Khanh Tran
Charlie Viles Lawrence
Hannah Viles
Lawrence
Meisha Vu
Allegra Walsh
Jess Watson
Lotte Weber
James Wang
James Wily
Will Winter
Gabrielle Woodger
Regina Wu
Maggie Yang
Sascha Zenari
Haoyi Zhang
Kate Zhang
Victor Zhang
Nessa Zhu
Stella Zikos
Shayla Zreika
AMELIA R.
ANGUS M. SIMONE M.
THAT’S ALL
