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FOR GIRLS WHO GET IT

We get talking dirty on LIVE TV

MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE Our guide to domestic bliss PLUS

REAL LIFE

“I

turned swinging into a career ”

CHEEKY LOVING

Tragic penis slogans Chicken or Egg? We ask who should come first

FREEG MINA SIDE

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Contents 4 FULLy Loaded

November 14 c ON THE COVEr

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Why the heck should women always come first? ejaculates Holly Combe

5 TOP 20...

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...Tragic penis patch slogans. Does it look big in this? You wish...

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6 EMILY-AT-LARGE

Emily goes on Live TV to talk dirty

8 BUTT I LOVE YOU

Kylie just can’t help it...

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Everything you ever wanted to know about anal – including insider info on why men love it so much

11 REAL LIFE: “I turned swinging into a career”

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Or how to make money doing something you love. Porn directing swinger Melanie shares her story

13 MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE

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Handy to have around for DIY and sex on tap, but can you share the TV? The Scarlet guide to living with your other half

16 SCARLET Women: GEORGE ELIOT

We celebrate the self-confessed ugly bird and genius novelist

19 CLITERATURE

31

Sex and art combine

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The hottest stories available anywhere in the UK

35 barroom topic: HALLOWEEN

Halloween gets facted and figured to hell and back

36 SCARLET PLEASURE AUNTS

Lovers’ Guide editor Oliver Peers joins our team of sexperts to solve your dilemmas

37 TREATMENT TRIED & TESTED: NICOLITE Emily Dubberley tries to give up smoking – again

38 VOICE OF EXPERIENCE

Kellie Gillespie says don’t mock missionary

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20

Part three of little black book

24

The good girl

13

The house rules for achieving domestic bliss

Scarlet’s guide to anal play for beginners

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Addicted to sex toys?

9

ScarletMagazine.co.uk

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20/10/2014 11:27

rant

Premature ejaculation is an outdated notion says Holly Combe On the surface, the notion of premature ejaculation seems fair enough. It serves to remind the more old-school variety of hetero male that women like to get their rocks off too.

So what’s the problem, then? Well, the trouble is that the well-known “he came too soon” lament implies we have about as much chance of persuading a man to be a willing sex partner once jizz has hit the scene as Nigel Farage has of convincing Russell Brand to vote UKIP. We wrongly assume that men will be compelled to lose consciousness or, at the very least, become incapable of being sexual in any way the moment their dicks start to wilt. It must be true.

After all, studies tell us so. Well, fuck the studies. In my opinion, the ladies first tradition is distracting us from the bigger issue: we don’t put up with two-stroke Timmy any more but we still accept that a man’s orgasm signals the grand finale to sex. Great progress, eh?

To give you some idea of what I’m talking about, here’s a quote from a male journalist as featured in another women’s magazine recently: “Decades of withering comments have left their mark – we know you won’t be happy

till you’re utterly satisfied too. The solution: get you to orgasm first – by whatever means necessary – so we can relax and enjoy our fun.”

See what I mean? It seems that a

‘It seems that a woman’s orgasm is something to be got out of the way so that the real goal of his fun can be pursued’ woman’s orgasm is something to be got out of the way so that the real goal of his fun can be pursued. I wonder if it has ever crossed this writer’s mind that we women might sometimes prefer to give our partners a right good seeing to before we ‘relax’ and enjoy the ‘fun’ of them returning the favour and

surrendering to our needs. But how practical is it for us to transcend the ladies first tradition? What if the feel or sight of a good boner is exactly what helps you on your way?

I admit, before being enlightened, I had reservations. I initially dismissed the idea that a man could actually help sort me out after he’d come. I was too quick to conclude that the sight of a limp-dicked man toiling away wouldn’t exactly give me the raging horn. Luckily, however, I have since discovered that a man can start to get a semi-on pretty quickly after coming and, even if he doesn’t, he’s still all naked and lovely and, anyway, who needs a hard-on when his fingers and my imagination are doing such a great job?

In my experience, a man is more than capable of giving a woman an orgasm after he’s shot his seed. It’s as simple as that. No one should aim to always go first or save their orgasm for last. And in my opinion he’s no more likely to fall into some deep unshakable coma after coming than you are. So forget the myth of so-called ‘premature ejaculation’ (and any disappointment that might come with it) and tell him to crack on.

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Top

list

20 Tragic Penis Product Slogans Spam emails touting PEPs (Penis Enlarging Patches) clutter our inboxes on a regular basis, only to be instantly disregarded. But what do the subject header slogans say about the male psyche? Al Needham dissects the following genuine examples…

13

Finally, relief for smalldicked misogynists…

With PEP your penis will be bigger than Freddy Krueger’s forearm.

1

With PEP every bitch will seem as tight as a virgin.

2

Try PEP and she will choke from the magnitude of your penis during the blow-job.

Merry Christmas, darling…

With PEP she 14 can use your

3

PEP – SHE WILL BE SORE FOR WEEKS.

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The owners of big penises are the owners of the world – try PEP.

And for those caring new men…

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Don’t make her use a dildo because your penis is too small for her – try PEP.

Agoraphobic willies: help is at hand…

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With PEP your penis will not be afraid to leave his home.

Would have made that Duran Duran video more interesting…

Image: Getty

8

With PEP the Eiffel Tower can hide behind your penis.

Warning: horrible mental image of Prince Charles alert With PEP you can take your cock out like a king Obsessed with little things…

9

It takes one to know one…

With PEP your size will be enough even for the pickiest slut.

Who would have thought it of Bill Gates and Rupert Murdoch?

5

dick as a huge toothbrush.

10

Unfortunately the bulge was just pubes

Your penis is smaller than the smallest cell phone. Forget about it with PEP.

He wouldn’t let him borrow the car, either:

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You inherited a small dick from your father and think there is no way to help it. PEP is what you need.

He wants to put an end to poverty, meet people and travel the world…

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With PEP your cock will win the beauty contest.

Will it have blades on

as well?

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With PEP even the biggest asshole will be too tight for you.

…and finally, considerate warnings re possible side-effects

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After trying PEP you might think of getting a larger bed for your penis to fit in.

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She will have to wear sunglasses to protect her eyes from the beauty of your penis.

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PEP will make your dick big enough to play football on it.

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After you try PEP you can use your penis like a ladder.

20 the rain.

With PEP your penis will grow like mushrooms after

November 2014 | Scarlet 5

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emily-at-large

Is that a phone in your pocket…?

Our fearless roving reporter joins the cast of Babestation, a televised phone sex words: emily dubberley line service, to see if talking dirty is easy money

“D

id you see me on the bed with Tiffany?

She looked after me today. I mean really looked after me. I noticed my stockings weren’t straight and asked her to even them up. I bent over and she knelt down, running her hands up my legs so sexily.

And then do you know what the naughty girl did? She gave my arse a smack!”

The grunt at the end of the phone was rapidly followed by a click. I’d made my first caller come with the mention of some leg play and a single bum slap. I hadn’t even had a chance to get to the good bit.

TRAINING DAY When, during a Scarlet brainstorming session, a colleague suggested I spend a day working on a phone sex line for this column, I was comfortable with the idea; I’ve written enough erotic fiction to

be able to talk it. But then I realised the phone line service they had in mind was televised and broadcast to eight million homes via satellite.

Fast forward a few weeks and I was petrified as I arrived at the secret location (so staff don’t get stalked) of the Babestation studios for an eight-hour training session in dirty talk. I’d joked to friends about what this would entail (“This is how to wiggle, and here are the top 10 words for pussy”) – but was instead confronted with more sex line regulations than I’d ever realised existed.

Suddenly it all seemed terribly real.

As Babestation is an adults-only service, I had to start by asking the caller’s name, and verifying their age.

If the caller sounded under 18, I had to ask their date of birth, and if I wasn’t convinced, I had to cut them off.

Babestation makes money in two ways: from people chatting to the girls, and from shyer types listening in to others’ conversations. As such, I had to make sure that I not only got the caller off, but didn’t offend the other people

listening. This meant certain subjects were out: rape, violence, underage sex (including schoolgirl fantasies), bestiality and any mention of religion.

So far, all the rules made sense but I was surprised to learn that if I heard a dog barking or a cat purring, I had to ask the caller to put their animal in a different room then call back in case they were rogering it. I flippantly asked whether it was OK to talk to callers if they mentioned a nearby fish tank and was bluntly told, “as long as they haven’t got their knob in it”.

More rules: If a caller stayed silent for 20 seconds, I had to cut them off in case they were a nervous underage caller. If someone was offensive I had to remain polite, even if they called me a slag, and say, “I expect to be treated with respect.

I’m going to disconnect you”. Telling a caller he had a tiny cock was also out.

MEETING THE STAFF At 6pm, after my training was complete, Tiffany, my 21-year-old mentor, arrived.

She was friendly enough and suggested we went to the pub for a sharpener. I

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a fair way of bringing in money.

Back at the studio, after being primped and preened into ‘Babeness’, I went into a production meeting with the rest of the team. It was explained to my co-workers that I was a journalist but no one was to mention Scarlet in case a caller tried to contact me. Instead, I was to be referred to as the ‘naughty writer’ – a role I happily assumed.

I watched the first 15 minutes of the show from the edge of the studio, bricking it as Tiffany and presenter Yvette bounced through a series of sexual positions while waiting for their

Another busy day at the office...

stocking/arse/Tiffany story and that helped psych me up for the next caller.

This time it was a little more hardcore: a guy wanting his cock sucked, which was apparently a common caller request.

Me: “Mmmm, I love sucking cock.

Would you like me on my knees?”

Him: “Yes.” Me: “I’m on my knees, trailing my tongue up your shaft, flicking my tongue around

Images: Sarah Brimley Special thanks to Ann Summers for the Bangcock Babe dress, £25, www.AnnSummers.com

“I’m on my knees, trailing my tongue up your shaft, flicking my tongue around the head, teasing you. God, I love the way you taste…”

Emily’s first call – in no time she’s teasing her co-host and moving in for a close-up

could have kissed her. Over a pint, I quizzed her about her job. Apparently she’d been doing it since she was 18 and loved it. “I did get a guy off the other week only for him to confess he was my old maths teacher,” she said. “But that sort of thing’s rare. It’s good money and fun having a laugh with the other girls.

We all get on really well.”

Although the girls were close-lipped about precise fees, some of the figures I overheard made me consider a change of career – they’d certainly cover a Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle, unlike the average writer’s salary. The babes start off working six 9pm to 2am shifts per week and have the option to add more hours if they do well at keeping callers on the line. It seemed like

first call. “I can’t do that!” I said to PR Manager Pascal, who reassured me that, like any ‘Babe’, I didn’t need to do anything I felt uncomfortable with.

Seconds later, I was on set being interviewed by Yvette about the kind of callers I wanted. I was worried no one would ring me so went for the broad option. “All men, especially shy boys. I love fantasies.”

Talking in unfamiliar husky tones made it easier to get into character. I could see myself in the monitor and had been told to look directly into the camera as I spoke. Rather than bouncing, I leant forward, happy that the cut of my micromini Suzy Wong dress and cunningly applied blusher had given me some cleavage. I stroked my boobs over and caressed my thighs as if on autopilot.

FIRST TIME CALLER Tiffany started my first call, handing Bob over to me once she’d verified his age.

He very quickly popped his load at my

the head, teasing you. God, I love the way you taste. I slide my lips to the base of your cock in a single move then pull away and suck your balls while my hand strokes you. Like that?”

More filth for another few minutes, and I got very audible proof that he did.

The third caller wanted to tie me up and tease me, and the fourth wanted his cock sucked, and so on… One guy asked me to take my dress off. I said I wasn’t allowed to on TV, but I would do later and I’d think about him as I wanked. I couldn’t believe he fell for it.

All too soon, Tiffany was back, telling viewers it was time for me to go when I was still in the middle of a call. I felt guilty that I’d got ‘Steve’ at half-mast only to abandon him mid-wank, but I wiggled my way to the edge of the studio feeling happy. I’d done it, and I’d loved it. But I wouldn’t have felt comfortable going any further and after the ‘innocent hour’ (between 9pm and 10pm) the show goes topless, so it was time for me to hit the road. I left with a newfound respect for the women who work on the show and felt honoured to have shared a night on their sofa.

Babestation channel is available on Sky 906, Freeview 96 and Freesat 870 November 2014 | Scarlet 7

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sexpertise

O

nce upon a time anal sex was the domain of bad girls and porn stars. Now, that taboo’s gone, but it’s still not exactly first date behaviour. However, anal is on the increase. In 2010, the Journal of Sexual Medicine claimed that 40% of women age 20-24 admitted having had anal sex at least once and there was an increase of 20% in the number of 18-19 year-olds who had engaged in anal penetration.

YES BUTT, NO BUTT…

… yes, we know you would have to have been holed up in a convent to not know the basic safety rules of anal sex, yet women still seem to be popping their anal cherries without any pre-planning, then complaining that it hurt. Go figure.

Anal sex is best served prepared, ladies, so listen up! You will need:

Lubrication The anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so even if you happen to find yourself next to large a packet of Lurpak (not a safesex option), or are already so wet you could sink the Titanic with your love juices, you’re going to need lube, but avoid desensitising lubes. “Pain is your body’s way of telling you that whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” says Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Women (Cleis Press).

“Using desensitising lubes can lead

people to go further than they normally would or take something bigger in their arse than they should.” Instead, use a simple water- or silicone-based lube.

However, silicone lubes can damage silicone toys, so if you’re playing with butt plugs check what they’re made of first; oil-based lubes will erode latex, which is what the majority of condoms are made from. “The rule of thumb when applying lube is ‘on not in’,” adds Tristan. “In other words, you should pour lube onto whatever is going to be doing the penetration rather than directly into any orifice.”

I Love You Scarlet’s guide to anal play for beginners words: emily dubberley

Condoms Obviously, for any form of penetrative sex, you need to use protection. “This is even more vital during anal sex,” says founder of Sexplained.com, Helen Knox. “Rectal tears – tiny cuts sometimes caused through clumsy or rough penetration – increase the risk of

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sexpertise

Anal Queens Confess

Have him circle the rim of your anus with the tip of his condomcovered cock to help you relax contracting blood-borne STIs.” The female condom can also be used for anal intercourse. “In fact,” says Tristan, “it offers more protection because it lines the anal cavity and the outer area of the anus, too. But be careful. If your partner withdraws completely in between thrusts he could slip back inside your anus, outside of the protection of the condom.”

POPPING THE CHOCOLATE CHERRY

Once armed with anal’s two best friends – condoms and lube – it’s time for your man to venture into the arsosphere.

Here are his directions…

Just like its owner, your a-hole will enjoy a spot of foreplay, so ask your man to massage your butt cheeks with lube, then stroke down the cleft of your buttocks and over the rim of your anus.

“Get him to dilly dally on or around the hole until you feel it relax, then have him slowly push his finger in up to the first knuckle,” say Em and Lo, authors of The Big Bang (Hodder and Stoughton).

“The rectum is 10 to 15 centimetres long and has two curves along its length that give it the shape of a lazy ‘S’. The first

A grand entrance Get your man to softly press the head of his member against your anus. It may resist at first, so be patient; if he slams into you it’ll hurt because your muscles will tense further and he will hit an anal wall of resistance. Instead have him circle the rim of your anus with the tip of his condom-covered cock to help you relax. “Once inside he should aim for the belly button,” say Em and Lo. “Soon he should hit – or rather, delicately tap – the first curve of the rectum. Then he should angle the penis towards the backbone a few centimetres after the inner sphincter.” Voila! You’re having comfortable bum sex.

Homework If all the coaxing in the world doesn’t lead to an easy entrance, you might

DOUBLE FIGURES

Is double penetration twice the fun? To find out for yourself, insert a butt plug prior to vaginal sex with your partner. The Doc Johnson Anal Vibrator (£24.95, www.SexToys.co.uk) is small enough to slip inside your bottom without getting in the way, and has a multi-speed vibrate control that either of you can use. He will even be able to benefit from the buzz through your vaginal wall.

Simultaneous orgasms imminent...

“When it was time for my anal scenes, my nerves fluttered” Nicki Lewis, 32, is an adult fi lm actress who’s more than happy to do anal scenes.

“I starred in Ben Dover's English Class when I was just 19. When it was time for my anal scenes, my nerves fluttered, but it wasn’t long before I was relishing the feeling of having my arse thrust into.

I was on a high for a week afterwards.

Now, before an anal scene I make sure I’m relaxed by practising Yoga, and I give myself an enema. I use a mini enema ‘squirt’, which is a soft reusable rubber syringe, to administer a small amount of warm water that’s slightly above room temperature. Although other actors use various liquid solutions, including specially prepared enema ‘coffee’, I find warm water easier on my stomach. Home kits are reasonably priced, starting at around £9.99 and make the process simple. Anal fingering also helps loosen the sphincter.”

“Anal’s only good when there’s deep trust”

Reader Lily Adams, 31, explains why anal sex is important to her relationship – and her orgasms

“I lost my anal virginity six months ago. I felt my partner near my anus but didn’t think he’d fit. But then, as he entered, I surrendered to the sensation – intimacy, power, sweetness, release – stretching my body out so that, corny as it may sound, the boundary of him/me melted into oneness. I was speechless afterwards and knew I was a convert. Now I’ve had it too often to count. My favourite position is with him behind me, cradling me against his chest with one arm, holding my hand. It’s a far cry from porno films. In my experience, anal’s only good when there’s deep trust and love between partners. It’s given me the best orgasms of my life.”

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ScarletMagazine.co.uk

With thanks to Tracey Cox (www.TraceyCox.com) and Em and Lo (www.EmandLo.com)

A-play

bend in the road, closest to the exit, is formed by the pubo-rectal sling, which contracts when you have to ‘go’. When nothing’s on deck and you’ve learned to relax down there, the sling lengthens, smoothing out the S-curve somewhat.

The second, less pronounced curve comes about seven centimetres down the road.” Finger stimulation should aid the relaxation process and make you ready for entry.

Some women do it for love; others do it for money. Scarlet found out how and why…

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sexpertise

benefit from some solo practice sessions using a tailor-made toy. The Butt Tingler is a good beginner’s model (£9.95, www.SexToys.co.uk) that contains a cordless vibrator. The tip’s thin for easy entry, and the flared base is designed to prevent it getting stuck inside you. Once you’ve got yourself accustomed to the joy of anal, you can hand over the reigns to your bloke.

If he slams into you it’ll hurt because your muscles will tense further and he will hit an anal wall of resistance

THE ANAL SUTRA

What’s good for vaginal sex, usually works just as well with anal, so experiment with positions to see what turns you on. Here’s some inspiration for starters…

Anal missionary Your muscles are most relaxed in this position and it allows for easy clitoral stimulation and eye contact. You lie flat on your back; he lies on top of you, resting between your legs, as in standard missionary position, only he enters your back (rather than your front) bottom. Once he’s slid inside you, try clenching your butt muscles around him (it’ll add friction for him); arching your back will make it easier for him to hit your G-spot from the other side.

Spoonful o’ chocolate “Spooning works if your bodies line up naturally and the giver can get a good angle,” says Tristan. You lie on your side; he lies behind you, spooning into the curve of your body. You can bend your torso forwards to deepen penetration, and your man can easily reach your nipples for extra stimulation.

Porn star’s favourite Classic doggie-style anal is the stuff of porn films, but don’t dismiss it as merely good for camera angles. “He’s more likely to indirectly hit the G-spot in this position,” say Em and Lo. To start with, tell him you’ll set the pace. He should simply kneel behind you, cock in the appropriate position, and allow you to back onto him. That way you can completely control the depth and angle of his thrusts. Not that you don’t trust him or anything…

5 Reasons Men Love Anal

Yes, men are obsessed with anal, but there are some good reasons why, says Scarlet man Dave Early

1 Pride Once we’ve found a lady kind enough to permit us access to her back passage, that look of apprehension across her face before we dive in will flatter our vanity no end. We can kid ourselves that our cock is fucking massive and that she has never before experienced anything as intimidating as the billy club in our pants – a fantasy we’ve been nurturing persistently since our early adolescence.

2 Justice Thanks to the rich comic potential for unwanted sounds and scents during anal sex, we can finally put a stop to the scornful reprimands issued towards us every time we let one go by simply pointing out that your arse wasn’t so bloody quiet the night before.

3 Denial For those of us who are liberal minded enough to promote an age of tolerance but are the first to raise a clenched fist to any personal inquiry regarding our own sexuality, anal sex (with a woman) is an ideal way to indulge in some of those guilty fantasies harboured within the darkest recesses of our manly minds. However,

getting you to agree to wear a pirate’s outfit and respond to the name Jack while we joyfully thrust away may raise some awkward questions.

4 Extras The requirement for additional lubrication provides us with the opportunity to enjoy a slippery hand-job prior to the event itself, possibly with the added excitement of a lube specifically designed to enhance sensitivity. However, over stimulating the penis before placing it into a constricted area may not be very prudent if you want to get your money’s worth.

5 Maiden voyages For men who hanker after the thrill of snatching a woman’s virginity, this is often the most likely opportunity they’ll ever have. So having agreed to his fantasy be sure to prepare with the hours of buttock-clenching exercise required to regain the tautness long since lost through the years of buggery he doesn’t need to know about.

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real life

M

elanie, 32, describes herself as a professional swinger. Though she started out dabbling in the swinging scene for kicks, she now makes a living producing swinging movies, running a swingers’ contacts site and writing advice articles for people on the scene.

Here she explains how she came to mix work and play.

Images: www.Melanies-UK-Swingers.com

Swinging into action I wasn’t a swinger before I met my husband, Adam.

Swinging was something we decided to try after we’d been together for a few years. Adam had a pile of porn magazines and we used to read stories together and fantasise about what it would be like to have a threesome or go to an orgy. Then one day we decided to try it. We placed an advert online to see who’d respond and got a couple of replies.

Before we knew it, we’d arranged to meet a couple for some fun, and we haven’t looked back since.

Non-swingers wonder why we do it, but there are quite a few perks to swinging. Obviously we don’t need to worry about affairs when we can do

“I turned swinging into a career” Scarlet meets the woman who turned her sexual predilection into a full-time job interview: emily dubberley November 2014 | Scarlet 11

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real life it with each other’s permission, and swinging allows us to explore our sexuality, such as my bi side, which I couldn’t do in a ‘normal’ relationship. Overall, it opens up a whole world of possibilities that most people only ever get to fantasise about. Plus it’s led me into a dream job. If I wasn’t doing this I would probably still be nursing, but instead this career has taken me around the world and introduced me to loads of wonderful people.

Capturing the moment We were in our early twenties when we started swinging and back then we found it difficult to find couples our own age, so we set up a small home page. Soon after that, couples started asking if they could advertise on our page as well and before we knew it, we were running a contacts site. The big step was going from a part-time hobby site to a full-time business, but we were lucky. Adam’s mum had won the lottery – five balls and the bonus number – so she agreed to cover our bills for a few months while we got on our feet. Then in 2003 I decided to start making my own swinging films because I was tired of watching the same old stuff with beautiful models and guys with six packs and huge cocks where the scenes were obviously posed. I had no experience and just a standard home camera. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but kept at it. I used real people having real sex. I advertised on my website for volunteers, and interested swingers contacted me.

I didn’t vet them at all; I was looking for genuine swingers and that’s what I got.

One of the guys from the first movie offered us the use of his apartment as the location, which was perfect as most swingers’ parties take place in people’s homes. I didn’t direct the action. People just had fun and I filmed it. A couple of female friends of mine came along to help with their own cameras on my first shoot, but halfway through one of them dumped her camera and jumped into the action. I got turned on when I watched it back – it was horny stuff.

We took the film to Prime Time Promotions. They were recommended

my movies, I’d use professional models. I do occasionally have models contact me, but personally I prefer to use genuine swingers who want to do it for the fun of it. The first movie, Melanie’s Real Brit Swingers, is still selling in sex shops and online today, so it’s clearly a formula that works.

Since then, we’ve filmed scenes with so much action that beds have collapsed. Once we filmed a gangbang at a club where most of the guys had left their cars parked illegally, and right in the middle of the action the police knocked on the door to ask them to move their vehicles. I’ve never seen so many cocks go soft so quick!

Melanie’s having a If someone wants to be in one swinging time of my films, all they have to do is by someone we’d worked with and email me with what they’d like to do. luckily they were just down the road.

Sometimes I even arrange for swingers It was only when we started talking to to fulfil their fantasies on camera. The distributors that I found out about the only issue I have is finding the time to right kit to use. We needed over £10,000 film all the people who contact me. for proper equipment, but I’ve got to Currently, I have eight films on the thank Stan Collymore for sorting that market with four more coming out out. It was just after he’d been caught soon. But I’m now seven months dogging and at the time, our site was pregnant, so I’ve had to put filming on the main resource for doggers, so the hold for a few months, as it’s difficult to hold the heavy cameras and climb over furniture in this condition.

I love being behind the camera, though. I enjoy watching the action, and I never feel left out. I’ve had plenty of fun over the years and know that if I want to perform in a scene I can. I also love watching my husband Adam on and off camera – he knows how to perform. And every time I film I learn something new.

Swinging’s certainly made Adam and I a fair few thousand pounds, too. We make money from DVD sales and our own movie site, as well as other online film sites, but our biggest success is the swingers’ site. It’s what I get most feedback on and I know it’s helped thousands of people get involved in the visitors to the site went through the roof scene safely. and we made quite a bit on sponsor programs. Thanks Stan!

“I’m now seven months pregnant, so I’ve had to put filming on hold for a few months, as it’s difficult to hold the heavy cameras and climb over furniture in this condition”

15 minutes of fame Some viewers might consider the people in my films unattractive, but I always do my best to portray them in a good light, and if I wanted only beautiful people in

Melanie’s fi lms are available from most sex shops and online stores. The contacts site allows you to view profi les, send messages or reply to them. For more information see www.Melanies-UK-Swingers.com

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living

man about the house When it comes to living with a lover, Scarlet knows the house rules for achieving domestic bliss. Before you decide to move in with your man – or indeed move out – read on… words: al needham

Images: Rex, Getty

H

alf the rent, half the bills, sex on tap, someone to help carry the shopping; in theory living together seems like a sound idea – and then you move in. “The biggest mistake people make is thinking they’re going to live happily ever after,” says GMTV’s Love Doctor, Sam van Rood. “When you first get together and go through the ‘honeymoon period’, your brain produces a reaction that literally shuts off the parts that let you see the bad side of your partner. Not long after you move in, the chemical reaction wears off and every nasty habit is revealed.” So, after you’ve sat in one pool of piss on the toilet seat too many is it time to rip up the tenancy agreement? Not necessarily.

Identify your major DTs (Dispute Triggers) and you can head them off before collision occurs. Here’s how…

DT#1: THE TOILET SEAT

“Women expect men to have the courtesy to lift the toilet lid before they pee. To an extent this is understandable as the male aim is sometimes a little off,” says relationship expert Kelly Russell.

“But look at it from another direction and maybe we’re being a bit unfair – we could just as easily lift the seat up after we’re finished as they can put the seat down. The point of this process is not to address the bigger issues of gender conditioning and equality within society, but rather to get into the habit of asking yourself whether your reactions to situations are totally justified. This is a good way of calming yourself down before you’ve had a chance to flare up.”

Home maintenance: Help reduce poor aim incidences by fitting your toilet with a Lav Nav (£9.95, www.glow.com) – it’s a little white plastic box that fits to the back of the lid and automatically lights up when anyone approaches in the night. Inspired!

DT#2: CD MIX-UPS

Most people would rather share a mortgage than share a music collection and this creates a big problem for some people – they assume that if you’re not mixing together your CDs, you’re saying the relationship won’t last and you’re looking for an easy exit when the final day comes. And not that you're just too embarassed to have your CDs nestling next to theirs.

Home maintenance: The simple solution is to use downloads, even better, a streaming system such as Spotify. Keep the CDs stored away separately, like in the attic, and digitise everything. It prevents music paranoia, keeps original CDs safe, and makes extra space for the things you do want to share. Like a really big sofa.

DT#3: SUFFOCATION

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living can cuddle on the settee in matching jumpers. Despite all the reassurance in the world, he’s terrified you’re going to get pissed and finish the night in some other man’s arms/pants.

Home maintenance: “Find out something he wants to do alone – watching a football match with his mates round, or an Xbox session, for example – and schedule your time around that,” suggests Sam Van Rood. “That way, you both get what you want with minimal fuss, and he thinks he’s getting away with something.”

YOUR BAD HOME HABITS REVEALED

Scarlet asks men on the street what's the worst thing about home-sharing with the other half “Long hairs on the fl oor – they clog up the hoover. Women should tidy up after themselves.” Paul, 26 "They have to know every little detail about my life. Why should I tell you what’s in my mail every day?” Luke, 22 “When they drink all my beer and then want to watch shit TV like America’s Next Top Model.” Toby, 32 “Not having my own space. Even if she’s not physically in the house, her stuff is left around.”

Liam, 27 “They often leave their dirty sanitary towels lying around all over the place” Jack, 18 “It annoys me that I’m expected to do all the DIY because I’m the man of the house. Why can’t they do some?” Jonathan, 37

DT#4: STUFF

One in 10 couples cohabit

When you move in together you’ll discover there’s loads of it. Your stuff. His stuff. Even the landlord’s stuff. In a limited space, this can lead to issues (and not just back issues of the NME from the 80s that are going yellow and smelling of damp but will be “worth something one day, I promise”).

Home maintenance: Try to accept each other’s stuff a bit, says AskMen. com’s Relationship Correspondent, Andy Ajzenkopf. “Since you’ve both combined your belongings, you each have access to each other’s cool stuff on a constant basis.” As for the shouldbe-binned mank, Sam says, “Offer him a reward – usually something you were going to allow him to have anyway – to sugar-coat the bitter pill: two items removed for one bought in. It could be a new telly or a holiday. And then point him in the direction of eBay.” The profit you make from selling his old tat can go towards the new telly.

DT#5: TELLY

Ever since the birth of Crossroads, men have despised whatever women want to watch – the majority believe that Rev is about as funny as a burning orphanage and Girls is only watched by bitchy women with no female friends. Don’t try to stress the finer points of American sitcom humour – compromise.

Home maintenance: “You can stick a portable TV in the bedroom or kitchen,” says Kelly, “but if you want to be really anal about it, draw up a TV rota – you get to watch an hour of your favourite viewing; then he gets to do the same.

Or try chilling out together in a different way – reading the Sunday papers together, sharing the bits you think your partner would be interested in, is the ultimate lazy day.”

DT#6: VISITORS

It’s all well and good when his mum comes over with a bit of cake and whatnot, but once she starts running a finger over your sideboard and making clucking noises, it’s time to put your foot down. Likewise, if he’s used to having his five-a-side team over Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings, but that’s not your idea of a cosy night in, you need to discuss visitation rights.

Home maintenance: “You

need to set boundaries, as your house is your personal space,” says clinical psychologist Jackie Barr. “This is not to say you should ask his family not to come round, but be constructive about when they can.

Suggest a day and be enthusiastic about seeing them. For example, ‘We’d love to have you round on Sunday, we’re making a roast’. By putting forward a day you’re closing the door to unexpected visits but at the same time welcoming them into your home at a time that suits you, therefore setting boundaries.”

DT#7: HOUSEWORK

Despite all the cack you read about Independent Women Who Are Having It All, the truth is that women often get the shitty end of the stick when it comes to housework (and you’re the ones expected to wipe it off, too). According to a recent global survey, women who live with their partners do over ten hours more housework a week than their blokes. FYI, British men were rated as the 10th most helpful when it comes to doing chores. Poor show.

Home maintenance: Best solution: budget for a cleaner in your shared monthly outgoings. If you really can’t afford one and your fella isn’t pulling his weight, be firm, says Phillip Hodson, of the British Association for Counselling and Pschotherapy, “Tell him he’s got to do his fair share of tidying and you won’t do it for him. Nagging may work temporarily, but in the end it’s counterproductive because it leads to the claim that you’re obsessive and need to chill out.” Creating a rota together that suits both your work and social hours might work as there’s no passing the buck if someone hasn’t done their share.

On If things get tense over the washing up, have a average, firstlaugh, says Ajzenkopf. time cohabiters “Rock, paper, scissors? live together for Best out of three?

25 months That’s the spirit! Make a game of it.”

DT# 8: HOBBIES

You have more Rabbits than a butcher’s shop. He has a bigger back catalogue of porn than Ben Dover. Should they stay hidden or come out into the open?

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Additional stats sourced from Cohabiting Couples in Great Britain: Accommodation Sharing, Tenure and Property Ownership, and National Statistics Online

Home maintenance: If you’re antiporn for political reasons, before you move in you need to make him aware of your views, but that doesn’t mean he has to share your agenda, in much the same way that a leftie can’t date a Tory and expect him to change his vote just because they share a tenancy agreement. You can be respectful of each other’s views, though, if you’re amenable to that notion. Maybe he can watch Raiders of the Lost Arse while you’re out with the girls? And if his porn habit makes you feel insecure about your sex life, be honest, so he has an opportunity to reassure you or sacrifice his hobby for the sake of your feelings. Likewise, if he feels freaked out about you self-pleasuring with a multi-tasking seven inch Rabbit, try to reassure him, or consider how It’s giving up the bunny would make estimated that you feel. Pretty bloody awful, by 2031, one in right? Well, that’s probably how he feels about his porn four British couples collection, too. “The fact that will cohabit you have your own methods armchair with a fridge in of arousal shouldn’t be a dirty it. What’s the solution?

Home maintenance: If secret,” says Russell. “In fact, merging your collections can liven up your new you’ve already decorated in your mind’s life together. Create a special place for eye, before you’ve even moved in, you’re you to store your smut together, kind of setting yourself up for a fall. Lose all like a sex shrine, and jointly expand the preconceived ideas, and start with a collection – everyone will be happy.” blank canvas. “Go to Ikea or wherever, each pick out what you like, and then work out what you both like,” says Sam. DT #9: DÉCOR If your tastes completely clash, divide up You’ve had your eye on some tasteful the rooms in the house between you – £80-a-roll wallpaper and a coffee table you get to pick bathroom furnishings; he that no one will be allowed to put anything on; he wants an oversized gets to do the bedroom, and so on.

ARE YOU READY TO MOVE IN? Before you dive into dual domesticity, tick the following boxes: 1 Read through the list of potential Dispute Triggers in this feature together, and discuss where you both stand on each of them. It’s better to discover you have issues you can’t resolve before you sign a 12-month rental contract, rather than afterwards.

2 Be honest about your motivations for wanting to live together. Are you both doing this for the right reasons (to spend more time together, to wake up with each other every morning, to be there for each other at the end of a bad day)?

If you only want to live together because it’s cheaper to share bills or because you want to keep a closer eye on your partner, Home Sweet Home ain’t gonna happen.

3 If possible, have a trial run. Have him live you with or vice versa for a month or so to see how spending vast periods of time together makes you feel. Tip: if the sound of his breathing starts to irritate you after two weeks, you probably shouldn’t make the move.

Ooh, we love a man in Marigolds

DT # 10: JOINT BANK ACCOUNT The biggest ball-breaker of them all.

On the one hand, you’re obviously going to live together forever in perfect bliss, but on the other you don’t want to get skanked and have to stay in touch to argue over money if you do ever separate.

Home maintenance: Relate’s Paula Hall says the best way to deal with money issues is not to talk about who’s paying for what, but instead to talk about what said moolah emotionally represents to you both. “Ensure conversations are not just about money, but about the feelings they evoke. If not having a joint account makes you think your partner isn’t committing, talk about those issues – not bank accounts,” says Paula. If you do decide to opt for a joint account, use it for shared outgoings only. Work out all your monthly bills as soon as you move in together, including utilities like gas and electric, council tax, home insurance and rent (plus your cleaner’s wages, if you have one), then divide that figure by two and each deposit your half into your joint account on a monthly basis with all payments being made automatically by direct debit. You’ll never need to scream the words “tight bastard” again.

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icon

This month we look back at a woman who shocked Victorian society and then won it over with the strength of her talent

GEORGE ELIOT T words: rebecca armstrong

he year 1819 was a good one for exceptional women. It was the year Queen Victoria was born, and the year that gave us Mary Anne Evans – who you might know as George Eliot. Having reached 29 without getting married, and following the death of her father, Mary Anne was left alone to earn her living. Plagued by self-doubt and painfully aware that she wasn’t a looker – she described herself as ‘a withered cabbage in a flower garden’ – she feared spinsterhood was inevitable.

But then she moved to London, where she went on to become one of the greatest novelists of the age.

The first scandal

Mary Anne’s first job was as Assistant Editor of the campaigning, left-wing journal The Westminster Review, which was edited by John Chapman, a radical publisher she had met in her 20s.

Female novelists weren’t uncommon in Victorian society at the time, but for a woman to be at the head of such a male-dominated, political enterprise was shocking. She did the lion’s share of work on the title, contributed many essays and reviews, and came into close contact with some of London’s greatest thinkers and writers. She responded to many of these new acquaintances by falling in love with them, including her married boss, but was often rejected.

The philosopher Henry James said of her, “She is magnificently ugly, deliciously hideous”. But all this changed in October 1851, when Mary Anne met the philosopher and critic George Henry

Lewes. Lewes was already married to Agnes Jervis, who was having an affair with his friend. To all intents and purposes the marriage was over, and Lewes and Mary Anne fell in love.

Homebreaker

In defiance of friends, family and society, in 1854 Mary Anne decided to live openly with Lewes as his lover and spiritual wife. She knew this would bring public censure. On returning to England after a ‘honeymoon’ in Germany, the couple were shunned; Mary Anne in particular was ostracised by people who had previously been happy to dine with her.

It took another three years for Mary Anne to tell her family about her ‘marriage’. Her fears were well founded: when she admitted she wasn’t legally married, her brother and sisters wrote letters renouncing her. But Mary Anne and Lewes believed theirs was a true marriage. She never regretted her

decision and wrote to John Chapman, “I have counted the cost of the step I have taken and am prepared to bear, without irritation or bitterness, renunciation of all my friends”.

Mary Anne had 24 contented years with Lewes. When he died in November 1878, she did not leave her room for a week. Two years later, at the age of 60, Mary Anne courted controversy again, marrying John Cross, a man 20 years her junior, unstable and rumoured to be gay.

The public may have been outraged but Mary Anne’s brother, Isaac, was pleased she had finally tied the knot legally; he wrote sending his congratulations, the first contact that had passed between brother and sister in nearly 30 years.

The birth of George Eliot

It was with Lewes’ support that Mary Anne overcame self-doubt and started writing fiction. Her first story, The Sad Fortunes of the Reverend Amos Barton

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Opposite page: portrait of Mary Anne Evans, aka George Eliot, 1850; Mary aged 45; Mary’s long-term partner George Henry Lewes; statue of Mary at Nuneaton, Warickshire; Mary’s grave at Highgate Cemetary (buried as George); Mary’s blue plaque on the house where she died – again as George Eliot

was published in Blackwood’s Magazine in 1858, when Mary Anne was 39. Lewes sent the story to John Blackwood, his friend and publisher, claiming it was written by a male friend who wished to remain anonymous. Following publication, rumours abounded that the story was written by George Henry Lewes’s common-law wife. But Mary Anne was determined to avoid further gossip so she wrote to Blackwood saying she would use the name George Eliot – George because it was Lewes’s Christian name and Eliot because it was a ‘good mouth-filling, easily pronounced name’.

(or George Eliot’s) name was Middlemarch. Published in serial form in Blackwood’s from 1871 to 1872, it was an immediate success and remains a favourite with readers today. Set in a fictional Midlands town in the 1830s, Middlemarch chronicles 19th Century provincial life, drawing characters with astonishing clarity and subtlety, including some of the first truly convincing female characters in English literature. It was described by Virginia Woolf as “one of the few English novels written for grown-ups” and is widely considered the greatest Victorian novel of all time. In

Images: Rex Features, Corbis, Mary Evans Pictures

At 60, Eliot married a man 20 years her junior, unstable and rumoured to be gay Mary Anne’s first novel was Adam Bede. With the book’s publication the speculation exploded: everyone wanted to know who George Eliot really was. There was even a pretender to the title – Joseph Liggens claimed authorship. In the end the real George Eliot stood up. Mary Anne admitted she was the author and her readers were shocked and appalled by the revelations about her lifestyle – although it didn’t stop them reading.

The greatest novel

The novel that was to make Mary Anne’s

1994 it was adapted for television and was hugely popular, sparking a series of Middlemarch lectures and comics and bringing the gorgeous Rufus Sewell, who played Will Ladislaw, to the attention of women everywhere.

The reluctant feminist

Although Mary Anne didn’t actively support the feminist cause, she was a model for women’s achievement.

She was aware of the difficulties women faced; a second reason for adopting a male pen name was to be

taken seriously as a writer. Mary Anne deplored the sentimental, fanciful romances that women tended to write in the 1840s but she was sensitive to the condescension shown to female writers.

She wrote of women that, “if ever she reaches excellence, critical enthusiasm drops to the freezing point”. And though Mary Anne’s rebellion was a quiet one, she used her talent to overcome criticism and sexism.

It was her literary achievements that brought Mary Anne the acceptance she craved. Following the publication of Middlemarch there was a constant stream of visitors to her home. Mary Anne’s re-admittance to society was confirmed in 1867, when she was introduced to Princess Louise, the daughter of Queen Victoria. By the time her final novel, Daniel Deronda, was published in 1876, Mary Anne was considered the greatest living English novelist and her fans were wild about her. The public seemed to have forgotten about her unofficial marital status; some even believed her relationship had been made official by the death of Agnes Lewes (while Agnes was actually alive and well in Kensington).

But this acceptance wasn’t universal.

When Mary Anne died on 22 December 1880, aged 61, she was denied burial in Westminster Abbey. Instead she was buried in London’s Highgate Cemetery, next to George Lewes. Even in death, Mary Anne was causing a stir!

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CLITERATURE November 2014

Kylie just can't help it..

LIVING THE

DREAM

It’s true what they say about

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LITTLE BLACK BOOK Part 3

VENUS

Breathtaking art

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CLITERATURE

Little

Black

Book

L

Episode 3: Eight’s Company

Lisa heads to Manchester in her quest to find the UK’s best lay words: emily dubberley

isa gave Belle five stars when she wrote up her lesbian adventures. The girl was wild, with a tongue that explored her body so eagerly that, for the first time, she’d been able to lie back and enjoy cunnilingus without worrying her partner was bored. Her conundrum about whether to write Belle up under ‘Edinburgh’ or ‘Dublin’ had been solved when Belle had introduced her to her friend Sally, an uber-vixen with flogging skills that made Lisa wince in sadomasochistic bliss. And so Sally had been the Edinburgh recommendation and Belle had represented Dublin. Part of her felt guilty for doing so little research but she only had a month to test the whole of the UK and she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have found better, no matter how hard she’d tried. She’d stayed longer than she should have done though, and now had to play catch up.

Lisa got off the plane at Manchester airport and walked to the cab rank.

“Manchester Union, please.”

With time to make up, students seemed like the richest seam of potential shags.

Even though it was only 3pm, the bar was crowded. Groups of students sat making jokes which seemed to hinge around repeating a few lines from some comedy show. Lisa ordered a pint and went up to a table of girls.

“Mind if I join you? I’ve just changed courses and it’s my first day.”

Lisa soon had the girls talking about sex. She found out that the campus tart was called Andrew.

“But he’s so charismatic that it’s worth it,” said Amber.

“His mate Dave’s better,” said her friend, Lucy.

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“No way – he’s a double-bagger.”

“But his tongue...” Lucy was clearly besotted with him.

“So have you had them both?”

Lucy shot her a look that made it clear she had but there was no way she’d admit it in front of Amber.

God, I’m glad I’m not a student anymore, thought Lisa. But it was useful information. She needed to find out some more.

“My round. What you on?”

Truth Or Dare

By 5pm, Lisa had worked her way round the bar, questioning everyone there about the best shags. Dave was popular. The graffiti in the toilets backed up her research. ‘Dave Chandler is the cunnilingus king’ read one slogan. The amount of people who’d written ‘I agree,’ underneath

suggested he was worth a shot.

It didn’t take long to find him. At 6pm, he arrived in the bar. Lucy was hammered and staggered over.

“You’re ace, Dave.”

She flung her arms around him but didn’t seem too upset when he unpeeled her from his neck.

“You’re drunk, pet. Head home. But maybe I’ll see you later.”

Lisa’s first target was in her sights and certainly wasn’t the ‘double-bagger’ she’d been expecting. He was only 5ft 8, but his dark hair was endearingly tousled and his grin was naughty.

Unconventional, but fit, she thought.

She headed over. “Fancy a drink?”

Dave eyed Lisa’s figure lasciviously, but rather than talking to her breasts as many men did, he smiled and looked straight at her.

“Cheers. I’m Dave. I’m sure you

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Images: Getty

hear this all the time but you’ve got gorgeous eyes.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“I hope so.”

This was going to be easy.

Sadly, Lisa had forgotten how much students drank. By nine, she was six pints down, squeezed round a table with Dave’s ever-growing circle of friends.

“Drinking games!” Andrew thumped the table and everyone followed suit.

“Fuzzy Duck?” said Ben. “Boring. Truth or Dare? We can find out about Lisa,” said Dave.

“We should tell her the rules,” said Ben. “Spoilsport. OK. Drink from your left hand. Ask permission from the person on your left before you drink, and tell

the person on your right that it’s their turn when you finish. If you get either name wrong or drink from your right hand, you have to tell a truth or do a dare. Minimum drink is four fingers.

Any questions?”

Andrew spoke quickly, trying to confuse Lisa. She repeated what he’d said perfectly, getting a roar of approval.

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CLITERATURE The game started easily. Lisa got it right so didn’t have to play a forfeit. Dave failed and opted for a truth.

“Describe your worst pervy dream,” said Andrew.

“Judith Chalmers.” Dave blushed at the jeers.

The game continued in the same vein.

Most people were sober enough to get it right, but Ben failed and opted for a dare. The lads made him strip then run around the union. Security gave chase but he managed to get back to the table and pull his clothes on before they could identify him.

Things turned nasty when Nathan, a stocky rugby player, admitted he’d once studied ballet. He wasn’t taking the derisory comments well. Lisa was worried that a fight might start so didn’t concentrate when it was her turn.

“Please can I have a drink, Nathan?”

She picked up her pint, necked four fingers and turned to the man on her right-hand side.

“Your turn, Nathan.”

“Truth or dare!” the men around the table shouted as one.

“I got it right!” Lisa said, confused.

“You drank with the wrong hand. And it’s Ben next to you, not Nathan. He wasn’t sitting down so he wasn’t in the game. So you’ve got to do a truth and a dare.”

“That’s not fair. I didn’t know that rule.”

“Bollocks. So, truth. How come you’re loaded?”

Lisa was too drunk to think properly.

“It’s a book advance. I’ve got to fuck people and write about it. Shit!”

She realised too late what she’d just done.

“Bollocks,” said Andrew.

“No, it’s true, but I shouldn’t have said anything because it’s supposed to be a secret.”

The fear in her eyes was obvious.

There was no way she was going to lose £20,000.

“I think she’s telling the truth,” said Dave, in earnest.

The crowd of men suddenly seemed much closer.

“Is it true?” said Andrew. “Are you really that much of a slut?”

“I’ve barely started.”

“We’ll change that. Your dare is to fuck us all. If you’re telling the truth it’ll be useful for you. And we like helping young ladies, don’t we boys?”

Another roar. Lisa looked round the table. Eight men. She’d almost meet her target for Manchester in one night.

“OK.”

Double Trouble

Andrew dragged Lisa to her feet and led the throng out of the bar.

The barman looked bemused as the rowdiest group of people there left an hour before closing time.

The lads shared a house and seemed anxious to get Lisa back before she could change her mind. Fat chance! As she walked back, Lisa imagined Dave naked. She wanted to test the cunnilingus rumours. And she liked the idea of making Andrew less cocky. She knew few men could stay arrogant when she sucked them. Her mind worked through the permutations available and her c**t dampened.

When they arrived, Lisa collapsed on the sofa, resting her head on Andrew’s lap and her feet on Dave’s crotch. Before long, both were hard.

“Come on Dave. Get on with it,” said Andrew.

“Sounds good,” said Lisa. “Just make sure you use these.”

She threw a pack of condoms on the table, pleased she’d brought a 12-pack. Dave stripped her down to her dress.

He ran his hands up

she stood up.

“This isn’t fair. Only you two can get to me. Is there a bed?”

Nathan jumped to his feet. “I’ve got a double.”

When they got into his room, Lisa lay in the centre of the bed.

“Who’s first?”

Nathan climbed over her, stopping to kiss her en route, then lay to her

‘Without words, Ben and Nathan swapped places with Andrew and Dave. Lisa started to suck’ her thigh and she moaned. As Dave’s hands continued, Andrew stroked Lisa’s breasts eagerly.

“Would it be easier if I was naked?” she asked innocently.

The lads cheered as Lisa stripped.

Dave groaned and moved his fingers to her c**t. As he started to fingerfuck her, Andrew kissed her breasts.

Lisa was seriously getting into being caressed by two men but before long

left. Ben took the right-hand side. Lisa reached out her hands and began to stroke their cocks. Ben stroked her tits while Nathan fingered her eagerly.

“More,” Lisa groaned.

Nathan slid another finger up her and she ground against him, still wanking them both. He could sense she wanted more so moved from the bed and foraged in a drawer while Ben straddled her face. Soon, Nathan was back next to her.

“Want this inside you?” he asked, holding a thick candle.

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reached for the nearest cock. She couldn’t see whose it was but began pumping it regardless. She felt her other hand being pulled to the side of the bed and soon she was wanking two cocks over her face while sucking Andrew and feeling Dave lick her clit.

As he neared orgasm, Andrew pulled out of her mouth and wanked over her face while Dave carried on tonguing her. The lewd sight set the others off and, as the three men splashed their come all over her face, Lisa came in Dave’s mouth.

But she was still horny.

Dave took the hint and knelt on either side of her. She eagerly went from one cock to the other, taking them down her throat then pulling back and wanking Greg while she sucked Dave and vice versa. She could feel them getting close to coming but wanted to get filthier. She leaned back.

“I’ve always liked the idea of having two cocks up me. Would you?”

She edged down the bed so that her legs were lying over the edge. She sat up and Greg climbed underneath her, pushing his condom-clad cock into her sopping c**t. Andrew stood at the end of the bed and followed suit.

“God, that’s tight,” said Andrew.

“But it’s also good,” Lisa moaned.

Lisa was stretched more than ever before.

Dave put his cock back into her mouth and she felt someone sucking on her nipples – or was it two people? Again, cocks were put into her hands and she did the mental calculations.

Two guys fucking her, two being wanked, one being sucked, and two sucking her tits…

She lifted her head up. “Come here,” she requested a shy-looking bloke. “Come on my face.”

With an offer like that, his cock grew hard.

One of the men sucking her tits moved his hand to her nipples and started to pinch. Lisa’s muscles clenched wildly, setting off both guys inside her.

Dave came too and she eagerly swallowed.

As each man came, he moved away. Lisa decided it was only fair to give the blokes who were left a show, so picked up the candle and began to masturbate. Knowing she had eight pairs of eyes on her made her horny as hell and before too long she came again. She took the candle up to her lips and licked it clean. She was dripping with come and loved it.

This was certainly going to make an interesting chapter.

“God, yes.”

Nathan teased her opening until the candle was slick with juices then thrust it up her just as Ben pushed his cock into her mouth. She savoured the way he tasted, rolling her tongue around his head. Nathan slid the candle deeper into her, rubbing her clit at the same time. As she opened her eyes, she realised the other men were naked and wanking. Realising she had a lot to get through, Lisa wanked Ben. He soon shot his come down her throat, pulling out to let the last spurts cover her face. At the same time, Nathan bent to lick her clit. That sent her over the edge and she came hard. Nathan quickly moved between her thighs and thrust his cock into her as she twitched. He’d clearly been enjoying fucking her with the candle as much as she had. He came in seconds.

Without words, Ben and Nathan swapped places with Andrew and

‘She was shocked to find herself imagining what she could do with more men’

Dave. Lisa started to suck Andrew’s cock, while Dave tongue-fucked her.

The graffiti had been right. He knew exactly what to do, licking the tip of her clit with the underside of his tongue before taking her clit in his mouth. He slid a finger inside her while his tongue worked its magic.

Lisa loved being licked by Dave while she sucked Andrew. She felt even dirtier because she still had Ben’s come on her face. She was shocked to find herself imagining what she could do with more men. Only one way to find out, she thought and

“Got any porn?” she was surprised to find herself saying.

“Greg,” the boys chorused. A sheepish looking blond lad vanished into another room and came back with a tape. Nathan put the video into the VCR and everyone crowded on to the bed.

Lisa felt hands running all over her body. Fingers slipped into her c**t and over her breasts. The men glanced from the video to Lisa and back again, as if trying to work out if they were dreaming. At one point, the woman on screen had two cocks in her mouth.

“Mmm,” groaned Lisa. Greg and

NEXT MONTH:

Lisa learns more about Belle... but it’s even dirtier than she expected November 2014 | Scarlet 23

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CLITERATURE

THE

GOOD GIRL

It’s true what they say about good girls being the worst words: emily dubberley image: saturno buttò at obsession art

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I

f you met me at a party, you’d forget me within moments. I don’t know why but somehow I’m one of life’s invisible people.

I don’t feel confident chatting to strangers, never have. Which probably explains why I’ve been single for the last two years.

Ever since I split up with my childhood sweetheart, Dave, I’ve had to make do with my Jessica Rabbit and a somewhat expensive battery habit.

But even though you might not notice me at a party, I can guarantee that I’d notice you. You see, I ‘collect’ people for my masturbatory fantasies: not just the obviously attractive ones either. A glint in someone’s eye, soft swell of feminine calf or glimpse of hair bursting out the top of a man’s T-shirt can all fuel my fire. I’ve got a vivid enough imagination that I can build my fantasy characters piecemeal, taking the best attributes of everyone at a party and using them for my own devices. Which is why I face my fear of crowds, and get out as often as I possibly can. After all, a girl always needs fresh inspiration. Tonight, this bar is fertile ground.

Take the guy in the corner, for example. You might not think much of him at first glance, but when his friend accidentally knocked his elbow, spilling a few drops of his pint, his eyes flashed and I saw his inner Dom. Back home, he’ll have me bound tightly to a St Andrew’s Cross, whipping me cruelly, his cock stiffening with every pained twitch of my body. The woman in the overly-

short skirt, who’s looking up at him in such a simpering way, will be on her knees in front of me, licking my pussy as he delivers each blow. Obviously, I won’t be allowed to come. He’ll only be doing it because he knows that he can make her do anything he wants, and he likes the idea of humiliating her by forcing her to eat another woman’s pussy.

Or how about that rather stocky gentleman in the smart suit? Sure, he’s full of bluster but just look at his hands: huge, manly palms and thick fingers. I won’t need him for anything too elaborate: just plunging his digits into me until I writhe in pleasure, taking a break to feed my own wetness to me, then strumming at my G-spot until I can’t help but squirt all over his palm.

Then there’s the guy with the shaved head and mod suit in the corner.

Surely you must have noticed the way it hangs? That man is packing serious heft. I miss the feeling of a thick cock inside me. He’ll have me on my knees in front of him, worshipping his cock with long licks, delicate suction and rapid strokes of my wet hand. Then, once he’s seconds away from coming, I’ll pull away and ask him to fuck me. I’ll be wet already: cock-sucking always turns me on. He’ll put his hands on either side of my hips and slide into me in a long, slow thrust before banging away at me hard from behind, not coming until I’ve spasmed again and again around his cock.

The woman in the purple dress is clearly self-conscious about her size.

She keeps tugging at the hemline, trying not to flash her thighs. But it keeps riding up regardless. In my dreams, it’s because her subconscious is taking over. She wants to flash herself, have people fighting over who gets to fuck and finger her. Obviously, I’ll get to go first, plunging my face into her warm, full thighs, teasing and nibbling them until I can smell her juices flowing, then burying myself in her wetness and savouring her taste. My hands will move up to those magnificent breasts, stroking and pinching her nipples until she comes in great warm waves down my throat.

And then there’s the barman. He’s conventionally attractive: all buff body and twinkling smile. Yet something tells me that by the time he’s made his way into my fantasies, he’ll be the one begging me to pleasure him.

The cockiness hides his shy interior,

and he’ll want me to take the lead, straddling him and grinding myself up and down on his cock, using it for my own pleasure. After I’ve fucked him, he’ll want me to sit on his face so that he can taste my climax as well as feel it. Once he gets his confidence, he’ll take me by surprise though, flipping me onto my back to pound into me hard, lifting my ankles onto his shoulders, his well-muscled arms bulging as he supports my weight. His cock will rub against my clit with every thrust, and he’ll grow harder inside me as he feels my muscles clamping around him. He’ll turn out to be quite a tease, I’m sure, taking me to the edge of orgasm then pulling back to rub just the tip of his cock against my clit, too lightly for me to come but hard enough to make me wetter, once, twice, three times, until he finally lets me come in breathy, gasping spasms, almost passing out from the sheer pleasure of it. Then he’ll take me in his arms, stroke my hair away from my face and kiss me lightly in the middle of the forehead, telling me how beautiful, how sexy, how wonderful I am. But

He’ll have me on my knees in front of him, worshipping his cock with long licks even he pales into insignificance next to the prize catch. There’s one person here who will be filling my filthiest daydreams as so much more than a bit character. I won’t need any of the others when my mind gets into gear about this particular target. You see, right now, I’m looking at you…

November 2014 | Scarlet 25

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CLITERATURE

Living the Dream Kylie just can’t help it – the sound of others fucking turns her on uncontrollably words: dee wass image: saturno buttò at obsession art

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15/10/2014 16:30

ylie yawned her way into the house after a late night out with the girls. She flicked on the hall light, shrugged off her coat – and froze.

“No, wait! Lift your bum up. Shove the pillow under here…”

Neil? She threw a glance at the ceiling. A rush of hot colour flooded her cheeks. He was supposed to be at his mum’s. At least, that’s what he’d said when he heard she’d be staying at Sarah’s tonight.

“Yes! That’s it! Now in we go…”

Her eyes narrowed. So he thought the cat was away, did he? Well, the two-timing rat was about to have his playtime ruined. Kylie chucked her coat over the banister and kicked off her shoes. She mounted the stairs, trying not to listen to the bangs, the squeaking bed, the loud gasps.

“Yes, Neil! Yes! Don’t stop…”

Never! Kylie paused just below the top step. She knew that voice. He’d told her often enough about it, how rich and sexy it was.

So he was living the dream, was he? She shouldn’t be surprised, it was something Neil had wanted to have another go at ever since he’d split with his ex and moved in with her.

Well, OK. She wouldn’t spoil his fun yet. She would take her time, be cool when she went up to sort him out. It wouldn’t be easy, though. She could already feel herself getting hot, her pulse thudding, a dampness between her thighs.

Fists clenched, Kylie headed back down into the kitchen. She picked up the kettle, her thoughts on how she and Neil had got together last year.

They’d been with a group on a diving holiday in Majorca. Most evenings there was a gathering in one or other of the hotel rooms.

On the last night of the trip the two of them had ended up in his room, sitting on the bed with too much vodka inside them.

“You know, I really fancy you,” he’d sighed, edging closer.

She’d emptied her glass, made to leave. Not that she hadn’t fancied him, too. Far from it. But she’d known about his girlfriend back home.

“Come on, Kylie. One more drink,” he’d urged.

“No thanks, Neil. It’s time I was…”

That was when she’d heard the sound of laughter through the adjoining wall. She’d never realised

how much something like that could get to her. She’d felt herself flush; stammered some nonsense that had nothing to do with anything. Next door, the laughter had become a giggle, a murmur, then the thumps and groans had begun. And something snapped.

Suddenly she’d got out of her shorts, knickers and T-shirt, and had sat on the side of the bed. She yanked down Neil’s jeans while he tugged off his shirt. Then there he’d been, smooth, slim, naked and erect, inches away from her face.

The headboard next door had been belting a steady rhythm on the adjoining wall, she remembered. Kylie had shuddered, felt her own warm juices running down the inside of her thighs. Hurriedly she’d moistened her lips with her tongue, leaned forwards, and clamped them on the very tip of his rampant cock.

She parted her lips, felt his hardness slip forwards into her mouth, and then the first drops of his nectar on her tongue Neil had groaned and plunged his hips towards her. Kylie had pulled back for a moment, keeping her lips on the same spot, teasing him.

“Stop it,” he’d whimpered, cupping the back of her head with his hands She’d parted her lips, felt his hardness slip into her mouth, and then the first drops of his nectar on her tongue.

“Wait,” she’d gurgled, pushing him out. With a deftness that had surprised her she’d had a condom on him and had yanked him down on top of her before he could object.

But it had been his turn to surprise her. Instead of leaping straight in he’d slid slowly down her body, his teeth brushing her hardened nipples on the way, his tongue drawing a wet, wavy line along her stomach to her clit where he’d spelt out the alphabet.

And then he’d buried his head between her thighs so he could lap at her juices.

“Enough. Get back up here,” she’d yelped, arching her back and thrusting her hips towards him.

“I am… I am.” He’d plunged into her, she’d come once, easily.

“I – can’t – hold – on – anymore,” he’d moaned, and jammed into her with a series of powerful jerks before collapsing onto her, gulping in air.

Back in the present, the kettle clicked off. Kylie paused, collected herself then reached for the coffee jar.

“That’s it, Neil! Fan-tas-tic.”

She grimaced at the ceiling. It sounded like the volume had been turned up. She might have heard it all before, but it was still getting to her.

“Amazing! Brilliant...”

She bit her lip as she spooned coffee into a mug. What was it Neil had said out there in Majorca? That his girlfriend was uptight because he’d gone abroad without her. That she hadn’t answered any of his calls.

She’d laughed to hear the old jilted lover story, even if she had been hoping it was true.

Astonishingly, it had been. He’d phoned her needing somewhere to live.

She’d happened to have a vacant room.

“Now! Faster! Faster…”

Kylie lifted the kettle, her hand trembling. Boiling water dribbled down the side of the mug onto the work surface. She concentrated on the laughs she’d just had during her night out with the girls. On her plans for tomorrow. On anything but what was happening in the room above.

“No. This way…”

Enough! Kylie dumped the kettle, tossed the spoon into the sink, and dashed out of the kitchen. She took the stairs two at a time, reached the landing as the two voices began to shriek in unison.

“Oh, yes! Yes!” She stumbled towards the bedroom, flung open the door.

“Bastard!” she yelled, barging into a room bathed in a dim, flickering light.

Neil leapt off the bed, naked but for a pair of boxer shorts impersonating a tent. “Kylie?”

“You heard me come in, didn’t you?

This is deliberate. You were winding me up.”

“No. Why should I? I thought you were staying at Sarah’s.”

“Not enough space,” Kylie gasped, tossing her skimpy skirt and saturated knickers to one side. “Well don’t just stand there, get the camera rolling. If you think that’s the best video we’ve made you ain’t seen nothing yet!”

November 2014 | Scarlet 27

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V CLITERATURE

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enus

Sex and art combine to create a truly breathtaking masterpiece words: collete anson image: saturno buttò at obsession art

I

’m looking towards the tall, floor-to-ceiling windows with views onto the stone skyline; slate roofs and chimney pots are silhouetted against the late afternoon sun. A shaft of golden light forces its way across the room; little specks of dust dance around in the beam and a warm breeze wafts through the open window.

It’s a huge, well-proportioned room with a dark wooden floor; spatters and blobs of colour are strewn across the marred boards. To the left stands a large Victorian writing table on which old chipped jugs house an assortment of brushes, charcoal, pencils and pallet knives. Rows of silver tubes line the worn leather top, some open with paint oozing, some squeezed dry and spent, others unblemished, rounded and untouched.

Around the walls in serried ranks stand canvases in many states of completion. Next to the desk is a huge canvas resting on a large wooden easel; it creaks and moves as if its surface is being stroked into submission by a powerful angel.

My thoughts are drifting in and out. I have been lying in this position for several hours. Periodically, Sean appears from behind the easel and looks intently at me, his face serious, stern in fact. This time I am determined to see his wonderful smile.

He looks so incredibly sexy standing there in his threadbare jeans, exposing a glimpse of thigh through the jagged tears. His dishevelled white-blond hair forms a halo effect around his angelic good looks. Intense blue eyes bore holes into my flesh.

He is looking at my feet, his head slowly tilting as his eyes travel along the contours of my body; our eyes meet, I smile warmly. First there’s a slight movement on his lips, the corners turn upwards, dimples form in his cheeks and then his lips part, exposing his perfectly formed white teeth. A perfect smile; his face and eyes light up and I drift off, remembering the first time we met.

15/10/2014 16:30

The Birth of Venus

The National Gallery, a Velasquez exhibition, was our first breathtaking meeting five months ago. We had been in contact by email and text for several weeks and finally, we both had a free day that coincided.

Feeling a little nervous I walked up the steps into the foyer to collect the tickets. I kept looking around for someone with blond hair but I couldn’t see anybody. Then as I handed over my credit card at the desk I heard someone call, “Delice?”

I turned. What a vision: it took my breath away. An angel, a perfect angel was standing in front of me; his blue eyes, his rosebud lips, his perfect smile. He stood there with his camera slung over his shoulder, a white, opennecked shirt casually buttoned, lightly tanned skin and low-slung jeans.

He leaned forwards and embraced me, wrapped his arms fully around me, and planted a kiss on my cheek. I felt a warm rush of excitement flush the entire length of my body.

Having communicated with him for some time the initial getting to know each other had been done. The barriers were down and I could sense that magical chemistry, that energy, flowing between us.

Chatting and laughing, we began our journey around the paintings.

He seemed very knowledgeable and together we discussed the incredibly inspiring images displayed in front of us. We devoured each and every scene, each and every brushstroke.

The more we talked, the more the atmosphere became electric.

I let him amble along on his own for a few moments. I sat on a bench, watching him, pretending to be pondering a stunning fulllength portrait of the Infanta Maria Teresa. I wanted him. I could feel the excitement rising inside me. How did this guy grow up to be so stunning?

He was standing there, arms folded across his chest, legs strong and slightly apart. I imagined seeing his naked body, his firm, round buttocks, and his slim muscular hips. Words raging in my head: I want him, I want him now!

He looked over his shoulder and smiled at me. I stood up and walked quickly over to where he was standing.

I put my arms around his waist while we both looked intently at a reclining nude.

“The Rokeby Venus,” he whispered.

“It’s a painting depicting Venus, the Goddess of Love.”

Her naked body was soft and voluptuous. Her back swept down to the swelling flesh of her buttocks. Her long legs stretched out on the silken bed. Her face was only visible as a reflection in a mirror held by Cupid.

This image was very powerful; it spoke to us both. We had a strong sense that there was someone else in the painting. In fact, there was a lot in the painting we felt but couldn’t see.

He turned again and this time he kissed me. That was it, I could see it in his eyes, and feel it: a massive sexual energy was radiating between us.

Mona Lisa

I drop my eyes from his gaze. I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable and I want to distract Sean from his painting. If I don’t, I know from past experience that he’ll paint until there’s no light, and that’s a long way off.

So, in my naked Venus-like pose, I slide my left foot up, bend my knee, and expose my pussy. With my free hand, I reach down between my legs to massage my clitoris.

Looking up once more, I see Sean unbuttoning his flies. He lets his jeans drop to his ankles, revealing the line of an erect penis bulging invitingly through his shorts.

Stepping out of the jeans, then out of the shorts, his erect cock stands proud. A massive wave of ecstasy floods through me. I can feel my pussy getting moist and swollen under my fingers as I circle and rub my growing clit. My nipples are swelling, deeply pink-red and hard.

Origin of the World

Grabbing hold of Sean’s hand, I pulled him through the crowd and out into the main galleries. Where could we go, I wondered?

Walking with determination, I glanced upon some black and white tape, restricting entrance to the North Gallery. On closer inspection, it read, “Gallery Closed – Hanging in Progress.” I looked around to see if any gallery staff were still in sight.

Seeing none, we quickly slipped around the barrier and pushed through the door.

We were completely alone. The gallery was large, still and empty of any paintings. Hurrying to the corner of the room, out of sight of the entrance, Sean pushed me against the wall, his lips hungry, his tongue searching my mouth.

In a frenzy, I quickly unbuttoned his shirt. He unbuttoned mine and slipped the silk from my shoulders.

I was naked from the waist up. He bent down and sucked hungrily at my nipples. I reached out and unbuttoned his flies, releasing his huge, erect cock.

Reaching down into his pocket, he produced a condom. Tearing the packet open with my teeth, and placing the circular disc with its rolled edge in my lips, I bent down and slowly pushed it onto his cock until it was almost fully unfurled and my mouth was full of his hardness.

He lifted up my skirt and ripped down my thong expertly. With both hands he scooped me up by my arse

In my naked Venuslike pose, I slide my left foot up, bend my knee, and expose my pussy Reaching down with my right hand, I roll my nipple with my thumb and forefinger, pinching excruciatingly hard.

Looking up, I see Sean’s parted lips as he gasps for breath. He is savouring every moment, eyes locked on me, hand wrapped around his cock, and hips thrusting forwards in a strong, rhythmic movement.

I glance around for something to use as a substitute for Sean’s cock.

Before me stands an exquisite crystalglass dildo, a gift from Sean to me, for agreeing to sit for this portrait.

and impaled me on his huge shaft.

With every thrust he slammed me up against the wall. With every thrust my breasts bounced and swayed. With every thrust his fingers dug deeper into the flesh of my arse. I could feel that delicious stirring pain: a serpent writhing deep down in mother earth.

Each thrust brought me nearer to the edge of oblivion. I was exploding.

I could feel his thrusting build, getting increasingly wild. A low, guttural groan was forced through his lips. I could sense he was stifling his voice but November 2014 | Scarlet 29

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he shouted out, “Aaaaah fuuuck, I’m coming”. I could feel his body tremble and tense as he pulsed his seed into me, my pussy clenching in response.

He lowered me down gently, cupped and massaged my breasts, and kissed me tenderly. Reaching down, he undid the zip on my skirt and let it fall to the ground. He looked at me standing there naked with only

His hungry sucking brought on wonderful involuntary spasms. My legs began to tremble. My breasts and nipples throbbed. Gasps and groans passed my lips. I couldn’t control my movements. I felt like I was going to wet myself. My body felt completely out of control.

He pulled back and his cock was huge and swollen again. I pushed him

I could feel my muscles undulating tightly around his hardness, sucking him into my depths my delicate strappy sandals on. Up and down his eyes looked. He took in every inch of my body and then he asked if I would sit for a portrait of his own version of the Rokeby Venus. His would be a portrait looking from the other side, looking into her face and naked body. I agreed.

I still felt incredibly turned on. The knowledge that someone could walk in at any moment was very exciting. I hadn’t come yet and I wanted to badly.

Leaning back against the wall again and spreading my legs wide, I pulled my engorged lips apart exposing my swollen clitoris. He knew exactly what to do. Kneeling in front of me he placed his palms flat on my thighs. With his thumbs, he started to massage around my pussy. Then he put a finger in, then two, then three.

He thrust them in and out, in and out.

Leaning forwards, he placed his beautiful lips around my clit. He sucked and circled it with his tongue.

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onto the floor and stood astride him, looking him in the face. Now, on my knees, I lowered myself onto him. I cupped my breasts in my hands as I thrust my hips back and forth, while his strong, sensitive fingers pulled and squeezed my nipples. I was coming!

Sean gave one final, masterful squeeze on my nipples. I could feel my pussy muscles undulating tightly around his hardness, sucking him into my depths. This was pure ecstasy.

I bent forwards to kiss him. He slapped my arse playfully. Laughing and with a sense of real connection we dressed quickly and left.

Venus

Picking up the dildo and now lying on my back, I spread my legs as wide as possible. I hold it in my right hand and gently place the tip into my pussy.

Slowly twisting and pushing, I start to work it fully in. The cool glass is like ice. I pull it out almost to the tip and

then plunge it back in again. I plunge it as far as I can take it. In and out, over and over, I glance at Sean. I can see he is nearly there. His thrusts are frenzied, his groans uncontrolled. It won’t be long.

His moans get louder. My thrusting quickens. He comes. Slippery white come slides though his fingers.

Watching me, he moves to the bottom of the chaise. With one hand he relieves mine and starts to massage up against my G-spot. He pushes it in, twists it, and thrusts in and out.

He lifts my legs over my head so my arse is now fully exposed. I know what’s coming and know that it won’t be long before I explode into orgasmic glory. Still thrusting the dildo with his other hand he gently pushes his finger deep into my arse.

Almost immediately, I am coming. I am trembling. I scream with pleasure until the last vestiges of the wave subside.

Sean reaches up to me and rests his head on my breasts and we lie there, arms around each other, for what seems an age, breathing together in rhythmic harmony.

He pulls me up. I can sense his excitement but he says nothing. The two of us, naked, walk around to the easel. What I see takes my breath away; it’s beautiful. I hadn’t realised that the portrait was finished, but here it is.

I find myself looking into my own eyes, into a gaze that would mesmerise anyone. I enjoy my curves undulating like a beautiful landscape, the exquisite smile on my lips, my rounded belly, the pink of my nipples, and the draped satin hanging in folds beneath my body. In my wildest dreams I never imagined that it could be so breathtaking.

15/10/2014 16:30

SOCIAL BUTTERFLY

barroom topic:halloween It’s not just about pumpkins and fancy dress parties, y’know. From neo-paganism to paranormal hotspots, we’ve got it covered back to Britain’s pre-Christian days, saying When Scarlet were a lass, Halloween was Samhain, which means ‘summer’s end’, a bit sad and pathetic, mainly featuring marked the Celtic New Year and was groups of pre-teens in crap pointy hats a celebration of our ancestors; a time banging on doors and getting three penny when the veil between the worlds of the chews for their efforts. But now it’s turning living and the dead was at its thinnest. into one of the biggest celebrations of Celts wore masks at this time of year the year (only topped by Christmas and to avoid detection by any spirits Easter), costing Brits more who might happen to break than £300 million in MOST HAUNTED through, while the ‘trick or fake cobwebs, The following places will be treat’ tradition began pumpkins, magnets for ghost-fanciers because they would costumes and this October… visit neighbours party food • Fetish club Torture Garden’s annual Halloween Ball asking for food and booze. is always a sell-out (www.TortureGarden.com) contributions for British • The village of Pluckley, in Kent, is known as Britain’s most the traditional Transport haunted village, and has 12 ‘official’ ghosts, including Samhain feast.

Police even a Colonel, a screaming man, a monk and a coach and For neoissued horses. Ghosthunters turn up every year to bother both pagans, then, warnings living and dead locals of arrests • Pagan groups across the UK will hold Samhain rituals Halloween is basically the to so-called at the end of October, including the Croydonequivalent of fright mobs based Children of Artemis, who organise the Christmas, and some annual Witchfest festival. See Witchcraft. on London’s org for details look on the Americanised Underground to frivolity of the night in the prevent panic on the same way Christians might view tube, grannies put ‘No Trick the commercialisation of Christ’s birthday.

Or Treat’ stickers in their windows for Christians, however, can get mighty fear of hoodie violence and supermarkets nervous about Halloween too, believing are on the lookout for pasty-faced teens the event is promoting an unhealthy attempting to buy job lots of eggs. fascination with devil worship among the But alongside the increase in youth of today. commercialism, there’s also been a surge Whether you find Halloween to be in the other direction, with the rise of hell or heaven, we hope you’ll at least witchcraft/paganism/Wicca (or whatever have enough trivia at your black-painted you want to call it) prompting attempts fingertips to get you a few free Vampire’s to reclaim the festival as the Celtic Blood cocktails from any fact-fiends celebration of Samhain (pronounced who are interested. “sow-in”). These groups trace Halloween

words: alyson fixter

TOP 10 HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

It’s such a drag turning up to a party in the same outfit as someone else, so to make sure you avoid this fashion faux pas, here’s a list of the top five Halloween costumes for both men and women, according to Angels Fancy Dress (www.FancyDress.com), costumier to the stars.

FOR MEN

FOR WOMEN

1

1

2

2

3

3

4

4

5

5

Ghostbuster

Grim Reaper

Body Bag

Good Witch

Devilicious

Enchantra

Images: Getty, Fancydress.com

SPOOKY BUT TRUE • According to The Telegraph, Italians kill an estimated 60,000 black cats a year around Halloween, believing they’re bad luck and represent devils • Under UK equal opportunities law, if you’re in jail and fancy celebrating Samhain, prison officers must get a pagan priest in to help out. He’ll be allowed to bring tarot cards and a wand, but not a cauldron, apparently • Steve Roud, author of The English Year, a book about folk customs, claims the whole Samhain connection is a load of apple bobbins. ‘There’s no evidence that

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this time of year was celebrated in England before the Christian feast Ciao, was created,’ he pussy writes. Boo! • In AD 835 Pope Gregory moved the Christian festival of All Hallows from 13 May to 1 November, possibly intending to co-opt the Samhain celebration. On All Hallows’ Even (31 Oct), people were encouraged to dress up as a favourite saint and participate in respectful festivities. What fun

Dracula

Skeleton

Wizard Wanda

Malice In Horrorland

November 2014 | Scarlet 31

15/10/2014 15:23

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Oliver

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Dr Pam Dr Pam Spurr is the sex and relationships expert on MSN and author of Fabulous Foreplay: The Sex Doctor’s Guide To Teasing And Pleasing Your Lover (JR Books).

BUM DEAL

My partner intimated the other night that he might not object if I screwed him in the arse with a strap-on. At the time I just laughed it off, as we were both quite drunk, but since then I’ve been thinking that it seemed like he really meant it. However, I’m a little concerned; is it a sign he could be gay, or at least bi-curious? And is it safe for me to do it? Lou, London OLIVER SAYS: Lady, it seems what you have is a sexually adventurous partner – a good thing. First off, can we please lose the ‘is he gay?’ line just because he likes a little anal stimulation? Plenty of straight men do. It can feel great, both because the anus is packed with potentially pleasurable nerves and because you can stimulate the prostate, otherwise known as the male G-spot. Get him to choose the dildo size.

Use plenty of lube. One anal sex tip you might not have heard is that it can be easier in face-to-face positions, with his thighs pulled up to his chest, like a deep missionary position – but do experiment. Treasure your adventurous partner and enjoy the ride.

PAM SAYS: An interest in anal sex definitely does not signal that a man is gay or bi-curious – unless of course it’s accompanied by you finding some gay porn, seeing him eyeing up other men when you’re out together, or discovering him dressed in leather chaps. You don’t mention any of these things. Men tell me that their primary interest in anal sex is simply experiencing another sensation. Or it’s the thrill of the fact that it’s slightly forbidden. You know how men are natural explorers – he undoubtedly wants to explore uncharted territory with you. However, if it completely turns you off, then you’re perfectly within your rights to say no.

FLIC SAYS: I believe most people are bi-curious to some extent; it’s just that the

Flic Flic Everett is resident sex and relationships advisor at Company magazine and author of Sex Tips For Girls (Channel 4 Books) and How To Be A Sex Goddess (Carlton).

majority of us don’t dare to admit it. So that’s what turns him on: it doesn’t mean he’s going to leave you for a full-back with a 12-inch dick. But, as Pam says, if the whole idea repels you, don’t do it. Despite our ‘go for it’ culture, there’s no reason why anyone should do anything sexually that they don’t enjoy. Having said that, you won’t know till you try, so if you’re a bit curious too, what have you got to lose (apart from his anal virginity, and he seems pretty happy to mislay it, frankly)?

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SEX SOS

I have no sex life. I’m 32 and it’s been 10 years since I last got my leg over. I don’t know where things went wrong. Back when I was 22 I was young and free; now I still consider myself young (in mind, at least) and free, but I just can’t seem to meet anyone. I seem to have lost the ability to even so much as flirt.

Please help me – I’m terribly horny and there’s only so much satisfaction my fingers can give me. Enna, Leicester OLIVER SAYS: Actually, 32 is a great age – you’re young enough to get away with everything and old enough to work it. If you feel you can’t flirt, don’t; it may be you mean something by ‘flirting’ that isn’t right for you – and, frankly, all that exposing your wrists, self-preening and mirroring body language can get just a little bit tedious once you get past puberty. Instead, freely and naturally allow yourself to communicate all the passion, sensuality, desire and sincerity you’ve got inside ready to burst, and everything that’s confident and good about who you are. Decide who you want to have sex with, and on what terms, and go to the places he might be. Relax and kick-start the habit of having sex and then you’ll keep getting more.

PAM SAYS: You’re incredibly down on yourself. Let me tell you the biggest thing about men and body language: they do have intuition and they can read it, and when you meet men they probably read this ‘downer’ you have on yourself.

It’s time to take a positive attitude towards meeting men, flirting and sex. It's like riding a bike. When you get back on, it can be wobbly at first, but you’re soon cycling along. Talk to some male mates about how you come across. Ask them for constructive suggestions. Then be ready with a simple smile and some confident body language when you next come across an interesting man. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Keep it simple. Chat about a film you saw recently or a book you read. And laugh at his jokes – that’s all the flirting a man needs!

Image: Dan Marshall

FLIC SAYS: Like Pam, I hate to say, “it’s like riding a bike”, but in many ways, it is. You’ve obviously fallen into a lengthy single cycle, and you need to break out of it to regain your self-esteem and a decent sex life. I can’t believe you haven’t tried the wonders of online flirting, but I’m going to suggest it anyway. The joy of it is, you can get as dirty as you like, but you never need to meet if you don’t want to. Try an online dating website, build up your confidence, then contact some men who seem decent and arrange to meet for coffee. If it’s just sex you want, any woman can get sex – but if it’s sex with a kind, attractive man with a possible relationship attached, you need to put in a bit more effort. So start small, and build up. Good luck!

QUICKFIRE QUESTIONS Fast answers to your most common problems

Q: I’m told the withdrawal method is bad contraception, but it’s always worked for me. Is it really that unsafe if you’re careful?

A: You may have avoided getting pregnant in the past by missing your times of ovulation, but you can get pregnant through sperm found in pre-come, so yes, it’s an ineffective method of contraception. And don’t even get us started on the STI risks.

Q: If you fantasise about sex with women, does that make you a lesbian?

A: No. There are lesbians who fantasise about sex with men, and straight women who fantasise about same-sex encounters. That’s the joy of fantasies: there are no rules.

Q: My man can’t come with condoms on, and I love the feeling of him coming inside me, but I’m not ready to get tested yet. Any alternatives?

A: You can give him hand-jobs and he can masturbate you with the 7 Function Ejaculating Rabbit Vibrator (£67.99, Amazon.co.uk), which, as the name suggests, mimicks ejaculation using lube. But, seriously, it’s sexier to get the all-clear at the local GUM clinic before you go futher.

What’s your problem?

Email your dilemmas to PleasureAunts@ScarletMagazine.co.uk. Your questions and answers will be printed here.

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health & beauty

TRIED & TESTED:

Nicolite Laser Therapy Can the latest cessation therapy help your cigarette addiction go up in smoke? tester: emily dubberley illustration: charlotte thomson

WHAT IS IT? Nicolite is a low-level or ‘soft’ laser used on acupressure points on the ears, face and hands as an alternative to acupuncture needles in order to help patients quit smoking.

It’s reported to increase the level of endorphins in the body, making users feel happier, less stressed and more energetic. This is thought to have the end result of reducing the body’s need for nicotine and the physical symptoms of giving up. Clinical trials at Middlesex University found that 70 percent of people stopped smoking after laser treatment, and further research found that Nicolite treatments are up to six times more effective than nicotine patches. In some cases, it’s even been found to eliminate nicotine cravings within a week.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS? I visited holistic practitioner and acupuncturist Katherine Jackson at her South Kensington treatment room and was immediately impressed with her warmth. After filling in a form to say I was aware of what the treatment entailed, I was asked to blow into a device that measures carbon monoxide levels in the lungs. Me and my lungs scored ‘15’ – apparently a mid-range result, though that was probably because I’d just had a long train journey so hadn’t been able to smoke for a while.

Next, I lay down on a massage table with a pillow under my knees. Katherine got out the Nicolite machine – a small metal box with a laser ‘pen’ attached to

I was asked to blow into a device that measures carbon monoxide levels in the lungs – me and my lungs scored ‘15’ it via a wire. Then I was asked to wear goggles and hold a metal rod attached to the machine while the laser was applied to various acupressure points in my ear. It didn’t hurt, but I occasionally felt a slight tingle. Then the laser was moved to the side of my nose, the centre of my forehead and finally my hands.

As Katherine worked, she used NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) techniques to help reinforce the nonsmoking message, asking me to picture the ‘smoking me’ on a small black and white TV screen and then send that into the horizon until it vanished, and replace it with an image of the ‘non-smoking me’ on a large colour TV screen and make the picture ever bigger and brighter. She then gave me a deep shoulder and head massage while asking me to breathe in positivity and oxygen and breathe out

toxins and negative thoughts.

DID IT WORK? After the session I felt incredibly relaxed. I’d had a hangover when I walked in, but post-treatment my headache was gone and I didn’t feel any cigarette cravings. Sadly, I went to a party three hours after the treatment and I had a cigarette. After a few drinks I was puffing as usual.

As a heavy smoker it will take a lot more than one treatment to have an effect on me, but I’m going to practise the NLP visualisation techniques Katherine taught me to try to boost my will power – and maybe book that second treatment some day soon…

A Nicolite treatment with Katherine Jackson costs £160.

For more information, see KatherineJackson.co.uk

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advice

voice ofexperience Journalist Kellie Gillespie reveals how she finally learned to lie back and love the missionary position If someone had told me when I was 20 that one day I’d be advocating the merits of missionary, I’d have laughed in their face. But that was when I was a girl about town, playing the field and pushing the boundaries in order to find myself. Things have changed. Sex isn’t about notches on my bedpost anymore, and that’s given me the space to discover the subtler side of sex.

So is the missionary position as inadequate as we’ve been led to believe? And why do we all feel the need to have a sexual repertoire to rival the Kama Sutra anyway? It’s debatable whether the encyclopaedia of positions I’ve pulled muscles to get into has really improved the quality of my lovemaking.

Frequently, cramps, cock-slip or poor balance have spoiled the moment.

Kellie: On a mission...

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Missionary, meanwhile, has a bad reputation; apparently it’s boring, it’s lazy and it reminds you of your parents.

The name alone reeks of religious zealotry and middle-aged couples stuck in a rut. But if the term itself doesn’t throb with passion, in reality missionary does more than serve its purpose.

It’s easy because it’s instinctive and natural; you don’t have to think about it too much. It’s two halves fitting together in the perfect solution to the jigsaw puzzle of love, if you want me to be whimsical.

It’s tender and intimate; you can look each other in the eye and kiss.

Full-body contact heightens the sensual and emotional experience and if a little extra help is needed, the clitoris is within easy reach.

Contrary to popular opinion, it’s also not impossible to run the whole gamut of orgasms with the missionary position. It just needs customising. We’ve all heard the one about the pillow under the pelvis, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Try getting him to ride high, leaning up to kiss you. Straighten your legs to create more tension or spread them wide, wrap them around his waist or put them over his shoulders. Pull his pelvis towards you and thrust back at him (who says the missionary position has to be submissive?).

And if this isn’t enough to convince you there’s more to

the missionary than just lying there, it’s time you learned about CAT – Coital Alignment Technique – a variation on the missionary position that stimulates the G-spot as well as the clitoris and encourages simultaneous orgasms.

Start with the normal missionary position but with your partner resting his full weight on you. Coax him up your body by about two inches so that his pelvis

Missionary – the name alone reeks of religious zealotry and middle-aged couples stuck in a rut is over yours. With your legs around his thighs, press up when he moves downwards so that you feel gentle but direct stimulation. The key is in the pressure and the rhythm; aim for a slow, gentle rocking.

Don’t get me wrong; variety is spicy, and as we’re a mostly monogamous species, trying out different positions and flirting with more extreme forms of sex is the obvious way to heat things up in the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the back of the bus). Life wouldn’t be the same without the animalistic appeal of shove-your-face-into-a-pillow doggystyle, or the thrill of some downright dirty role-play, but as soon as they become everyday, they start to lose their appeal.

Likewise if we all did the one-legged lotus flower in reverse every night it wouldn’t feel risqué for long. So lie back and enjoy, but don’t think of England, or tomorrow’s chores, or who you’d rather be shagging. This is the one position where you can really enjoy your man and the best orgasms of your life – without getting cramp.

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