The Impractical Astrologer by Skyscript / STA

P~ice ~ ~ £2.50 (we thir.~k)

~Lb pro&eeds to the chaliity CMILDLINE

fheii"hpractico\

Astro\oger *

* *

* Includes: How fo Practice Horrary: by Lil!y Williams· The 0-?/-~ T..Square by Bessie Virgo· Tales from the Crypt from the Astrrological Log of London· A Tribwte to ¥.ung Jung • Fly in the Oinbnenf • On the Astra-Therapists Cauch • Quizzes· News· Reviews· Letters· And much, much, mu&h, much, much more 1!1 (well, not that much)

Letter from yot~r ~eodhitter

A Tribute to ]ung

Carl Gustav was a mighty shrink W'hose work has been quite seminal. He dealt with dreams and tried to link The symbols to our animal Passions -and we all have those. (Dreams that is). His mate was Freud, but soon they split, For Carl had intuition. Each night he'd do a moonlight flit And thus pursue his mission. His world was twilight, fabulous; Yet he got great publicity. He gave us anim-a and -u·s, And outlined synchronicity. He said all things occur when right, And symbols have good timing. He dreamt and analysed all night No wonder Freud left whining. His great assistant slept in late And then would spend his day Declaring it was due to fate, And explaining his dreams_ away.

-rekyoll for bying this isshew of the Impractical Astrologer.rt has be on oreal~ honor to be ol\owed to oct os heodhitter this titne .I hove bean interested in astrology for many weoks now ond find it o constant soliCe of am~ement, interest. When the rest of the team pt~t to me there st~ggsetion that I be al\owed to finance this project I was deleted bt~t not st~rprised.Jt~piter is entering into 5ogitorilt>, yoll see, which happens in my 3th holt>e. As was so generlt>ly pointed ot~t to me by Lftly Wftlioms, ol\owing my wealth to go to other people is on exel\ent woy to detroc.t on itnpending death by horseboc.k.I believe in lt>ing the sitnbolism of astrology in o positive woy, yoll see, ond that if we oil do this we con oil hCJVe the power to alter ot~r fete.fhis is wot . astrology is oil obo"t is it knot? We shollld oil ploc.e more trlt>t in the power of the plants. Of collrse, we she~e~d con also lt>e astrology in o proc.tikol woy. Now that Jt~piter is going into 5ogitorillss, for exornpei,I otn selling oil my shores in lavatory pon monllfoc.tllre ond investing in archery ekwipment. Non-astrologers moy scoff, bt~t I fllrmly belive that the new-oge col\ for peas wftl do owoy with the monllfoc.tllre of nasty, noisy weapons. When the next world wor is fol!ght by bow ond arrow no one wftl be !offing lollder than me. ~ Looking ot plants con tell lt> o lot obot~t this fe~ seoson.fhis yeor, crishnos foils with the 5l!n in Capric om, which in my opinion wftl restrict people's ability to hCJVe o good titne. In foc.t, we she~e~d shollld lt>e the emfosis on otnbitolt>, stllrdy CApricorn to look for seriolt> fings to do. It wftl not be o good time for sosholising with the forni\y, b"t instead the cristmos period is when we wftl be best st~ited to getting on with ollr work. ~eep the emfosis on yollr proffeshionol life ond coreor ond yoll wont go for rong. 5o what do the stars hCJVe in store for lt> oil in Jqq5? Weii,I,rn going to stick my neck ollt ond predict that their wftl be sorne trollble oheod forthe Royal Fornfty.It looks like it.s oLL doom ond glootn,I,tn of rode. Onetnploytnent, interest rates ond tnore problems for the Goverment. (fhey do o wonderflll job don,t yo" fink? ond olwovs with so many problems to deal with!). Bllt don,t let tny gloomy prediction get yoll down: Lftly tells me that most of lt> wftl hove sotnefin to celebrate orollnd the 3rd week in December (wonder wot it cot~ld be?). Anyway, back to the project in hand. Every single penny of proffit maid from the sole of this literary rnosterpeose wftl be donated to charity. Wei\, I fink it .so Slipper highdeor.Heors to theiTC1ICAL A51ROLOGER - & long moy it rain! ,.

Letter from yot~r ~eodhitter

A Tribute to ]ung

fLY iN tHE oiNTMENT ~

Report of the council · meeting held on Saturday 31 November 1994 at 10 am BST at 396 Caledonian Road, London, Nl

by R. Gillette II (at the 'Cutting Edge')

The Election of 'It'

Conference feedback

~ Two major decisions were taken at this

meeting, the first relating to the proposal put forward by Nick Campion that someone be elected to travel around the world promoting the association, looking important and having a jolly good time. He then proposed that he be it. ~ Considerable debate and physical abuse then followed when several other members of the association protested that they too would like to be 'it'. In an attempt to settle the dispute it was suggested that we put the matter to the vote. All members interested in being 'it' ~ were asked to raise their hands and the motion was carried unanimously.

= z

•....C The Election of God

The council settled into a friendlier and more relaxed mood and broad discussion followed, mainly concerning the terrible weather, the state of British Rail sandwiches, and the hilarious program on lTV the night before starring John Cleese. A Tea break followed. On return from the tea break, members were asked if they could think of any good ideas to justify our meeting and Nick Campion suggested that we could think about electing one member of the council to be God. He then proposed that he be it. Hot dispute thereafter followed and our animated discussion was eventually put to the vote. We are pleased to announce that Nick Campion is now officially recognised as God and we wish him well in his term of office.

We were pleased by the feedback from the conference. Of the 63 responses to the Questionnaire we sent out asking for delegate's honest optmon of the conference this year, 3 were quite complimentary (at least on some points). Only a percentage of our respondents were overtly critical of our arrangements and less than 50% were actually abusive (compare this to last year where 62% threatened to sue). On the whole, the main complaints centred around the outbreak: of Botulism on the 2nd day. Prof. Granislov has asked us to make it clear that vomiting during his afternoon seminar should be attributed to the botulism and not to the graphic nature of the slides he displayed on sexual perversion and the pre-birth experience. The main requests for an improved service next year were for habitable accommodation, clean crockery, a new council and talks that had something to do with astrology. Some of you also asked for shorter lectures, longer breaks, and time off for good behaviour. Request for information Does anyone know of a good clairvoyant who could help us find our missing Water Colour of Margaret Hone? Election Proposals Unfortunately, owing to a strong and new found belief in atheism among council members, Nick Campion no longer exists. We will be holding our election for the new post of AA President next month.

How to .....

Choose your Astrological School (Anofer in our popular 'How to' series, offering practicle help for the wood-be astrologer.) Want to learn more about astrology? Need help making that all important choice about where to spend your well earned money? Our guide will help you choose the astrological school that's right for YQU.. Quantifying Horrible Practicalities One of the few courses which teaches you to do astrology in such a way that you can be constantly proved wrong. It is a requisite of the course that you develop serious eye strain by slaving over ancient texts and to be able to recite verbatim long passages at the drop of a hat. On the positive side, you won't need to worry about understanding as many planets or aspects as everyone else has to deal with. An example essay is: 'I have lost myself, where am I?' Facility for Astronomical Suppositions This extremely comprehensive and detailed course is heavily reliant upon you learning who are the right people to know and making sure you become one of them. Much consideration is given to developing techniques such as writing a 30 page character analysis that avoids any kind of definite statement whilst giving full signification in the margin. You will also learn how to make your charts resemble sine waves and why people have been doing this since 5,000,000 BC. An example essay is: 'Describe why you would not want to meet this person and how you would tell them' (with full significators and diagrams where relevant). Centre for Psychotic Astrologers If you suspect that you might be a severely disturbed astrologer wishing to project your innermost problems onto others, then this course is for you. You need to attend daily seminars looking at astrology from a psychotic point of view. At regular intervals you will be required to gather with other students and see who you manage to humiliate the most and test how long it takes before someone breaks down in tears. To complete the course a 70,000 word essay is required about something psychotic. An example essay is: 'It was all my mother's fault and I was too young to understand it anyway'. May or May Not School Although some astrologers claim to have studied with this school we have been unable to verify whether or not it still exists. No one has ever seen an example essay. Hubbard School A major requirement on this course is a large collection of felt tipped pens in as many different colours as possible. A working knowledge of German is helpful and you will be required to take frequent Swiss holidays. An example essay is: Why I prefer using purple felt pens to express the Mars rn/ership of pacifists.

fLY iN tHE oiNTMENT ~

Report of the council · meeting held on Saturday 31 November 1994 at 10 am BST at 396 Caledonian Road, London, Nl

by R. Gillette II (at the 'Cutting Edge')

The Election of 'It'

Conference feedback

~ Two major decisions were taken at this

= z

•....C The Election of God

How to .....

~Ot!tlt!'J ltOt!Utt! with Lilly Williams Horary is the art of fmding out whatever you want to know about absolutely anything you can think of simply by following the rules handed down to us by the Wise Old Astrologers of Ancient Times. And it really works! My particular 'guru' is the 17th century sage Gilbert Prognosticus, whose 25-volume masterpiece Practical/ Predictive Prognosticks is very much the 'bible' of horary practitioners today. All you have to do is set up an horoscopical figure (that's 'chart' for those of you not 'in the know') for the time and place of the question, and all will be revealed. Sounds unlikely? Well, cross my palm with silver (Access/Mastercard and Visa accepted) and I'll show you how it's done.

WHERE IS MY MISSING BUDGIE?

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ADAM FAITH Born 14.4.1!140 London 7.30am /

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Headhitters's note: Our snicere apologies to Lilly williams for plubishing completly the completly the wrong charrt, in out last isshew.

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Prognosticus (vol.XXI p.75648) says: 'Look to the Moone in all Questions where the thing to be founde hath jledd its Rightfull Master, for Luna hath Dominion over fugitive Servants, escaped Slaves, Wives, Cattel, &c.' Now you see how marvellously relevant these old rules are even today! (I know he doesn't specifically mention pet budgies, but I don't think they had them in his time). Anyway, with the Moon in an Air sign (birds, flight), I was pretty sure I was on the right track. Notice how the Moon is 10° from the Midheaven. Prognosticus says, 'When Luna applyeth unto the highest Angle of Heaven out of Ayr signes, 'tis certayne the Rascall be jledd towards some high place, viz, a Steeple, Tower, tall Tree &c.' Now, Libra is a western sign and there is a tall tree standing in a field just 300 yards due west of the querent's house! I predicted that Joey would alight on that very tree lO minutes from the time of the question. Why? Because the Moon is 10° from the MC of course. While the querent hurried off to retrieve him, I stayed behind and helped myself to a well-earned glass of her cooking sherry, It was then that her rather large ginger tom came in through the catflap, licked his lips and looked contentedly towards Joey's empty cage. Oh dear! What I had overlooked is that the Moon is conjunct the malefic fixed star Algobbel ('the Devourer') which Prognosticus associates with 'death by Savage Beastes' amongst other horrors. I hurried after the querent but found that, in her haste, she had fallen into a drainage ditch and dislocated her shoulder. This is indicated by her significator opposing Saturn (falls) and moving out of Gemini (shoulders). Isn't horary marvellous! Do join me next time for my judgement 'How much will I have to pay in damages?'

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The Moon The Moon is big and white. It is quite confusing to observe because it keeps changing shape and moving about in the sky.

The Sun The Sun is round and orange. It is sometimes difficult to observe in Britain and is seldom visible in the Manchester area. The trick is to look for it in the daytime because it is very hard to find at night, even with the aid of a telescope. The~Earth

The querent came home to fmd that her budgerigar's cage had fallen off its stand. Its door was wide open and there was no sign of little Joey anywhere. Ominously, the kitchen window had also been left open ... After an hysterical 45-minute phone call to me, I cast a horoscopical figure and hurried across to her house to give my verdict.

INTRICACIES OF ASTRONOMY EXPLAINED IN CLEAR AND SIMPLE TERMS

The Earth is much easier to observe. It is nearer to us than the Sun and the Moon and can be seen both day and night by finding one of these two luminaries and then looking in the opposite direction.

WHERE IS MY MISSING BUDGIE?

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ADAM FAITH Born 14.4.1!140 London 7.30am /

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Headhitters's note: Our snicere apologies to Lilly williams for plubishing completly the completly the wrong charrt, in out last isshew.

R 10

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The Moon The Moon is big and white. It is quite confusing to observe because it keeps changing shape and moving about in the sky.

INTRICACIES OF ASTRONOMY EXPLAINED IN CLEAR AND SIMPLE TERMS

The Earth is much easier to observe. It is nearer to us than the Sun and the Moon and can be seen both day and night by finding one of these two luminaries and then looking in the opposite direction.

SCORES:

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cih~RJ-Quiz 70haL ion o1 ~au tpJIL??? There comes a time in your life when you need to consider what clique you belong to. In case you've no idea, this quiz should help you decide. 1. What do you normally do after an astrologicar lecture? a. Hand out your business card; b.Applaud wildly; c.Point out the speaker's mistakes; d. Wake up; e.Meditate on the deeper meanings. 2. What do you hope to achieve as an astrologer? a. World peace and happiness; b.Fame and fortune; c.A good sex life; d.A deeper understanding of humanity and its problems; e.A reappraisal of the works of Ptolanilius. 3. What shape are your charts? a.Square; b.Round; c. Triangular; d.Octagonal; e.Original. 4. Which school did you study with? a.Quantifying Horrible Practicalities; b.Faculty for Astronomical Suppositions; c.Centre for psychotic astrologers; d.Pink Flamingo House; e. Your Own.

5. What astrological organisation are you most closely allied with? a.Astrologers Anonymous; b. The Astrological Log of London; c. The Venesian Trust; d. Your Own; e. The Centre for Psychotic Astrologers. 6. Who is your favourite astrological writer? a.Lilly Williams; b.Yourself; c. The Vicar A.G.E. Greene; d.Hiliary Balvatsiniski; _e. Patrick Indian.

4M4

a. 5

b. 3

c. 1

d. 2

e. 4

a. 4

b. 2

c. 5

d. 3

e. 1

a. 1

b. 2

c. 3

d. 4

e. 5

a. 1

b. 2

c. 3

d. 4

e. 5

a. 2

b. 1

c. 4

d. 5

e. 3

a. 1

b. 5

c. 3

d. 4

e. 2

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Under 9 Points:

9 - 15 Points:

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You are a traditionalist - obviously not a very good one though or you would have already noticed by now. Do people in the astrological community at large generally ignore you? Are you ostracised at large events? Are many of your books in Greek, Latin, or incomprehensible English? If the answer to these questions is yes, subscribe to the Traditional Astrologer and cast a chart to see where your next drink is coming from.

You are a standard, run-of-the-mill, contemporary astrologer and keep meeting people just like you at every event. In fact you might even get introduced to yourself as your type sticks in people's minds so very little.

15 - 21 Points: You are a psychotic astrologer determined to unravel the deeper meanings hidden in the chart and ready to torture innocent people by outlining problems they never even knew existed, let alone realised they had!

21 - 27 Points: You are an esoteric astrologer, in touch with those higher minds who have probably sent you telepathic messages about how to answer this quiz - or otherwise it was encoded in your copy of todays Guardian and revealed by little green men, or something ....

27 - 30 Points: Come, come- You are Nick Campion.

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SCORES:

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a. 5

b. 3

c. 1

d. 2

e. 4

a. 4

b. 2

c. 5

d. 3

e. 1

a. 1

b. 2

c. 3

d. 4

e. 5

a. 1

b. 2

c. 3

d. 4

e. 5

a. 2

b. 1

c. 4

d. 5

e. 3

a. 1

b. 5

c. 3

d. 4

e. 2

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Under 9 Points:

9 - 15 Points:

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27 - 30 Points: Come, come- You are Nick Campion.

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An Epistle to the

PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGER

i ·•·

TALES FROM THE CRYPT A hot cocktail of alcohol and vitriol by SAKE

!;=::$,: 1

s far too many people were turning up to the Monday night lectures, it was decided to move and not tell anyone. This has now been achieved and Queen's Square is no more . Rumours that we moved after someone was charged £1.07 for a half of lager in the Dirty Duck are completely erroneous.

y F ricnd. whoever thou art. that with so much case shalt receive the benefit of my hard studies. and dost intend to proceed in this heavenly knowledge of the starrcs; in the first place consider and admire Nick Campion. be thankful unto him and be humble. Having considered NC and what thyself art. now receive instruction how in thy practice I would have thee carry thyself. As thou daily convcrscst with the heavens, so instruct and form thy mind according to the image of Divinity; make sure you have some idea what you arc talking about. Give nothing away and increase thy rates at regular intervals. as thou art in this game to make loads of dosh. Never admit gaps in thy knowledge but improvise. .fictcnd knowledge of matters unconnected and publish long and unintclligablc articles regularly. Make predictions at any opportunity: thou wilt be correct one day. Ensure that all men know of thy correct prediction. Usc the out of print works of more scrupulous astrologers to form thy own books. Pass off all discoveries and opinions as thy own. ~ak much of being the professional astrologer; speak little of astrology. Give freely of thy time for self publication and aggrandismcnt. Mvcr let an opportunity for self promotion pass thee by. Be hardc of acccssc ; thou wouldst not like people to believe you have no clients. If thou writest sun-sign columns make sure thou art well paid. If it come to the crunch and thou art seriously broke sell all thy clients secrets.

)

Unfortunately a single member of the public tracked us down. (God knows how? some of theses O.A.P.S never give up!) However our American PitBull managed to get in a few good bites before they paid. The PitBull was obviously satiated from digesting a poor fool who asked for a Student Reduction! On this matter I have been asked to apologise to our speaker that night, who didn't realize that she still had to pay to get in. Get well soon Kim. As the only astrological organisation with a ready supply of Presidents, our role is becoming clearer for the coming years. However N.C.'s election to GodHood (see jLY iN tHE oiNTMENT earlier in this magazine for details), is hotly disputed by our present incumbent Hot Saturn ('Whats wrong with the )) in TIL?'), who always felt that N.C . was a little easy going. It is little known that N.C . failed the Soren Kirkekaard rabbit test at the Crypt, biting insufficient heads off live rabbits within 10 minutes (apologies toM. Python). Our Patron Saints' lecture at the Conference was well received, although I hear that N.C. had to take a mild savaging for clicking the slide show on and off at the wrong times. Patron Saints' new motion (that all members of the Crypt must have attended Girton College between the two World wars) is not looked on favourably, and frantic back-stage representations are being made to try to get her to drop it. This has been made more difficult as N.C., Patrick Indian (Profusion of Long Words), and PeeWee are the only members properly qualified to speak to her, and PeeWee has forsaken Astrology completely and is to be found in the British Museum making weird sounds (ahhh, coooeei, etc.), prattling on about writing the first world dictionary not written in any known language but somehow understandable to all. PeeWee can't stand Patron Saints' accent anyway.

)

On a more serious note I can confirm that the Crypt is sending Dr Doom to a course at the :'!;c efficiency report by Anderson Mckinsey Consulting Prue Leith Schoo! of C highlighted the long queues waiting for refreshment in the break. Although the committee felt that we could sell the queue to a local firm of muggers, Anderson Mackinsey pointed out we should train Dr Doom in the appropriate advanced skills of Beverage Refreshment Operator. If he fails the course he can be our next president. Our sympathies go, yet again, to Mata Hari ('I've buried more lovers than you've had hot dinners'). We wish her well in her banishment in the west country; the rapid rise in membership since she left is surely a coincidence?

Republished by the Association of Pretentious Astrologers No, No... 1 said draw the Sun, N01 the Gwi!

Issued under the Auspices of the Astrological Log of LondoiJ

An Epistle to the

PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGER

i ·•·

TALES FROM THE CRYPT A hot cocktail of alcohol and vitriol by SAKE

!;=::$,: 1

)

Republished by the Association of Pretentious Astrologers No, No... 1 said draw the Sun, N01 the Gwi!

Issued under the Auspices of the Astrological Log of LondoiJ

Fact File: September 1752 and the real reason for the missing 12 days In response to recent queries regarding the reason why September 1752 has only 18 days, it is clearly time for some form of explanation. The problem lies in a programming error (in computer terms referred to as a 'bug') that was made many years ago when the first astrology program was written for personal computers. When the computer requested some memory to perform a calculation, the programmer inadvertently supplied too little, with the result that the data for the 3rd through to the 13th of September were not output. Since there are many sophisticated programs in use world-wide, mostly derived from this early source, it is clearly too late to fix the bug. Luckily, not many people are interested in what happened in September 1752. So, in order to put things straight, a delegation representing the interests of astrological software manufacturers went to the Vatican and requested an audience with the Pope. The meeting was successful and the Pope, in consultation with other ecclesiastical bodies, agreed to retrospectively change the calendar for the period in question. Since the calendar was changed by counting backwards from September 14th 1752, no date since then has been affected. All dates before that, however, were moved by 12 days. The 11 days from September 3rd to September 13th were erased from history. Scholars were tasked with searching through all historical texts to see whether there were any notable events between these dates but, luckily, they could find no evidence of anything significant. Thus all parties were happy that the course of action taken was justified, that no temporal anomalies were introduced, and that there was no need to issue software upgrades to the astrological user base.

September 1752

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441Ao-- ~~~ e~ "You will only be able to function effectively and assess your ultimate potential, individuality, and creativity when you have acknowledged, processed and accepted your feelings about your Mother's (}))sister's (:»aC?) cat (:»IC? in Q). And how you felt about it when it spat at you CNC? 0 ~ in ..r... a cf in lTl) when you were eight years old and your progressed )) was just into I and you were pretending to be a horse" ... said the Astro-Therapist to the Client. "But I can't remember that", said the Client. "Aha .... ", said the Astro-Therapist, " ... .it is too painful and you are blocking it. This is because your mother's sister's eat's 8 must be on your Descendant so you are projecting and disowning these feelings. The cat has ego problems himself as the J) 0 C? in Q is with Regulus, which gives him delusions of grandeur and he thinks he is royal. He has also projected these feelings on to you because his tl is conjunct your 8 and you have unfinished business together from a past life". "No, really .... ", said the Client, " .... my Mother's sister did not have a cat, but she did have a pet python that nearly crushed me to death when I was five". "Aha .... ", said the Astro-Therapist, " .... you are blocking your sexual feelings towards this cat (din lTL,O })/C? in Q). You see it as a snake which relates to your penis envy(~ a your 8 in TtP. the cf in lll)". "I don't remember any feelings like that, but I have been afraid of snakes ever since". "No, No, No .... ," said the Astro-Therapist, " .... this is your 11. in X. cf' your 8 in TtP which makes you fear your own fantasies and disown them for the sake of the conventions of our repressed society. With 11. in X , rf' the 8 in TtP you are damaging your psyche by trying too hard to conform". "No, really" ... said the Client "I don't think -" "You must think less and feel more. You are blocking your feelings by thinking too much (very 11. in TtP ).... " said the Astro-Therapist, " .. Anyway the Session is over." " ..•. Will a cheque be all right this time?" said the Client. · "Certainly, but please make it for 10% extra as interest will be lost during the time it takes to clear at the bank. The 'same time next week then? and we can start the long process of dealing with your Virgoan problem of being obse;>~ed with details which means that because they both have; •similar markings you cannot tell the difference bet*~m a tabby cat and a boa-constrictor".

c:::-~

September 1752

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Overheard at a psychic fayre .... Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client:

Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client:

Organiser: Client:

Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client:

Organiser:

Hello, I wish to register a complaint .... hello? Miss What do you mean miss: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint. Sorry, we're all out to lunch Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this astrologer you recommended not half an hour ago, from this very fayre. Oh yes, Janet Planet. Whars wrong with her? I'll tell you whars wrong with her. She's dead, thars whars wrong with her. Follow me (moves to booth). No, no sir, she's not dead. She's probably meditating. Meditating? Yeah, remarkable people astrologers, highly intuitive, don't you agree? Intuition doesn't enter into it... she's stone dead. No, no ... she's just meditating. All right then, if she's meditating I'll divert her attention. (Shouts at limp figure) "Hello Janet, I've got some lovely revelations for you if you wake up!) (prodding the astrologer) There she went 'Aum' No she didn't, you just hummed under your breadth. I did not Yes you did. (Grips astrologer by shoulders, shakes firmly and shouts) "Hello ... Janet! (slaps palm against forehead) "Janet wake up! Janer· (Stands her up and lets her fall to the floor) Now thars what 1call a dead astrologer. No, no she's definitely meditating, she's just in a trance. Look my lad, I've just about had enough of this. That astrologer is most definitely deceased. And when you cleared my credit card not half an hour ago, you assured me that her total lack of activity was due to her being tired and shagged out after a prolonged chart reading. She might be calling for divine guidance. Calling for divine guidance! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she fall on the floor the moment I walked in? The astrologer is often found on the floor. Wonderful talent, lovely aura. Look, I took the liberty of examining that astrologer, and I discovered that the only reason she had been sitting in the booth in the first place is because she had been nailed there. Well of course she was nailed there. Otherwise she would have taken off into the astral plane .... and voom!

Client: Organiser: Client:

Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser Client: Organiser Client: Organiser: Client:

Look matey, this astrologer wouldn't 'voom' if I put four thousand volts through her. She's bleeding demised. She's not, she's in a trance. She's not in a trance she's passed on! This astrologer is no morel She has ceased to bel She's expired and gone to meet her Father in Heaven. This is a late astrologer! She's a stiff! Bereft of life she rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed her to her chair she would be pushing up the daisies! She's off her twig! She's shuffled off her mortal coil! She's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! She's f*****g snuffed it. This is an ex-astrologer! Well, I'd better concede then. To get anything done in this country you have to complain till you're blue in the mouth. Sorry guv, I can't refund your money. I see. I see. I get the picture. I can offer you a transit forecast. A transit forecast! Yeah. Pray, does that address the deficit? Not really, no. Well then ifs scarcely a replacement is it? Want to come back to my place? Thought you'd never ask

rJir~ np ~ ~,Yi~~1'-ti.-tep~c~.Se, YCIIJ. a, l~ wiltm wtn1ee.

tfiras

&At let-ycntr ~ ~.shine kil.Jf'Ull vdn .himason EW_ytine.

'irA p!OCAd. of .spirit., frey heart, Genet-ous- a7d Jqyid Slt

Watcll ~e vih> ft.tttf;et':J1a Wth . _ ~ll' ~ garoe- h -tx>fal ~rds.

Overheard at a psychic fayre .... Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client:

Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client:

Organiser: Client:

Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client:

Organiser:

Client: Organiser: Client:

Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser: Client: Organiser Client: Organiser Client: Organiser: Client:

rJir~ np ~ ~,Yi~~1'-ti.-tep~c~.Se, YCIIJ. a, l~ wiltm wtn1ee.

tfiras

&At let-ycntr ~ ~.shine kil.Jf'Ull vdn .himason EW_ytine.

'irA p!OCAd. of .spirit., frey heart, Genet-ous- a7d Jqyid Slt

Watcll ~e vih> ft.tttf;et':J1a Wth . _ ~ll' ~ garoe- h -tx>fal ~rds.

The T-Square It is always fasinating when a riter gives us somejing new to fink about' Bessie Virgo hasent bean 5IHdf studieil'lg doing astrology very long but has cum up with some l'lfJVle new highdears about one aspect that is hardly ever ritten about.

Few characteristics of an astrological chart are as significant as the configurations made by planets in aspect to each other. Of the five major aspect patterns the T-square is the most common and appears in as many as 40% of all birth charts. It indicates, not only the primary conflicts a person experiences, but also the talents and personal characteristics that he or she is motivated to develop. I am sure then, that the whole astrological community must share my constant irritation at the lack of guide-lines laid down to help us interpret what must be a very important personal configuration: the 81C(.I'Q T-square. Despite diligent research on my part I have been unable to find any reliable source material to aid me in the interpretation of this particular aspect pattern and I have therefore recently set about compiling my own. I would like to share the fruits of my labours with you. A hypothetical chart is given below - Let's call the subject NC for the sake of argument. NC's chart contains a number of interesting factors but I think you will agree that the T-square between these highly personal planets will dominate the whole personality. The Piscean 8. the Geminian 'Q and Virgoan 9. provide us with a conflict between the ideal and the perfect, a clash of lively curious and alert mind on the urge to relate in a romantic way, achieving the perfect relationship in order to develop the self. What is missing from this configuration is an awareness of what the future brings and any sense of perspective on life. Space obviously precludes a detailed analysis but we can sum up this particular T -square by stating that in this instance the subject has a high standard of what he needs from his relationships. No-one is really good enough for him and he will need to guard against a superior attitude and 'holier than thou' stance. With the square to 'Q he will probably ensure that prospective candidates for personal relationships will need to provide detailed facts and figures and a full statistical analysis justifying further interaction. The houses involved (C(.-9th, 8-3rd and 'Q-6th) bring in issues of omnipotence, the need to write about oneself, and health problems caused by over-analysis and amoral activities. This is clearly a difficult aspect pattern for anyone to have to live with. Thankfully, this particular chart is only a hypothetical one, for it would be a poor soul indeed that had to try and use these energies in a constructive way. I hope it serves it's purpose of illustrating my hypothesis. Meanwhile, I will continue my research to try and fill the delineation guide-line gaps so noticeably lacking from other publications - more obviously concerned with profit than true knowledge. In our next issue - how to interpret the transiting Pluto return.

Book Review The Astrology of Fete by the Vicar A.E.G. Greene Every once in a while a book is published, so radical that it literally transforms one's thoughts and creates a new philosophy and a new culture. The Astrology of Fete is just such a book. It is a remarkable piece of work and must surely be destined to grace the bookshelves of astrologers throughout the land. The book is steeped in the myths and traditions of the village fete and although immensely readable, its powerful, provocative and in-depth treatment of its subject matter may be somewhat daunting to newcomers. Of the three main sections I found the ftrst, Moira's Allotment, and the last God's Providence to be the most important. In Moira's Allotment, by means of highly descriptive narratives, the Vicar discusses ways in which local resources can be mustered to good effect, in the intriguingly titled Fete and the Feminine. Liking them to the Eumenades, or 'kindly ladies', he presents a set of scenarios in which members of the W.l. can plan and organise the event from conception through to execution, and then to the ending when all has to be transformed back from whence it came. The centre section showed the character, or genius, of the author's writing, that

leads me to think that tete is more than a foregone conclusion. The vicar delves deeply into the mythology that accompanies the transformation and, using astrological symbolism and metaphor, explores the subject through generations of families. There is even on amusing anecdote originating from Ptolemy's time when the bookstall only had four books. How times have changed in the era of the car boot sale! He had the last laugh though, as the same four books are still on sale today! ln the final section, the vicar goes back to his roots. At one stage, when discussing the subject of how things seem to tum up just when they were in mind, due of course to the fact that his 'employer' is omnipresent, I thought he was going to start on the music hall cliche A funny thing happened on the way here, I was just thinking about.... and it appeared!. The message is there to be read, awareness of Self, Self, Self. I must admit that I enjoyed this book. It should be regarded as essential reading by the cognoscenti although, as I mentioned at the start of this review, it is probably quite difficult terrain for those new to the subject. To the latter I would say, unequivocally, buy the book now, even though you will never read it. Oh dear, put your foot in it again? Never mind, just gargle with

.,r Saggident .,r Foot-and-mouthwash and sloosh those frowns away

.!J

.iJ"You'/1 wonder where the toe jam went when you wash your mouth with Saggident"

.,r Saggident .,r Foot-and-mouthwash and sloosh those frowns away

.!J

.iJ"You'/1 wonder where the toe jam went when you wash your mouth with Saggident"

l ·1 £etters to tlte Jlendltitter ~ SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT by Anon. (London)

" In the last issue of the Impractical I noted a reference to the recent activities of the Utopian Terrorists . I'm not sure what it means but rumours flying around the South west of the country may be of interest to your readers. I can confirm that the Terrorists do exist and are presently meeting in a newly converted garden shed in south-east London. Under the cover of offering an extension to the AA office and giving valuable storage space for archive material the terrorists are apparently still planning world domination of the astrological type. Their three point plan has been circulated amongst members of the Universally Disordered and as my milkman is a member this information has been passed to me to publish to the world. The three point plan is: 1. To take over the world and get lots of money; 2. To ensure that everyone lives in a perfect spiritual state as defined by the Universally Disordered; 3. To rid the world of all who don't agree with them doing the above. I would be interested to know what your readers think and if they to have had contact with members of the Terrorists . Something must be done! ~

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT ?? by Deborah 'Sooperwoman- even does her own gardening(!)' Houlding (Notts.)

" It is a sad fact that most astrologers who live outside the major cities are subject to periods of professional isolation. I myself have become used to working as a solitary oddity, and experience the companionship of other astrologers only when a strange and overwhelming compulsion forces me to act out-of-character. But as an astrologer coached in a worthy tradition of ancient methods and crusty old customs I find it very demoralising to have to sit through talks, such as the one I attended recently, where the lecturer insists on claiming that there are more than five planets. (I'm still fighting a rear-guard action against the use of Mars and Jupiter - five planets should be enough for anyone!) Not so long ago I attended a regional talk on astrology where I was dismissed as unenlightened by the organiser just because I do not make use of aspects. Thankfully, the majority of us remain unenlightened, if only because it is so difficult to draw the beastly lines on our chart forms. As a magazine editor I am in an extremely priviledged position. Your comments, criticisms and words of encouragment are completely irrelevant to me, however, and I wish people would just think as they are told . There are only five planets and Nick Campion does not exist. ~

ASTRO-PETS - by Daphne Scuttle (Yorks.)

" How refreshing it was to read your recent article on family pets. I especially enjoyed "flor@scopes for Hampsters" by Marsupilamlils. Wil)) .there be a follow -up discussing the synastry between them? You see, we supposedly bought an active pair ourselves but they simply do not get on. Could put me in touch with the author? "Karma for Canaries" by Sylvester Puddiquat touched 91e deeply. We lost our Canary last Christmas and haven't got over our grief. We were present at the natal moment when its mother, Henry, suddenly produced an egg . We had a chart d·rawn for the time she emerged from the egg but all I can remember now is that she was a Libran, giving het: that wonderful ability to sit on a perch all day, and had Mercury in Sagittarius, allowing her to fly around and giving her a chirpy disposition. I knew ~hat the planets had a .physical effect on the natural1wor'lcl since we live 0n the edge e>'f a .ti<ilal estuary, but had :not previe>usly realised tha~ mafline life were a'ls0 governed by astrological events. In "Evolution of the Sole" by j'ohn :D0ry 1 was educated to .~he fact that .the breeding habits were synchronised to exact ,planetary aspects. Clearly there is much more ,to learn about the natural world ~

moon

A multi-storey symbol meaning all things to all people. It Ashamed of your represents cows jumping if you're in the nursery; cheese Secondary SexiXIIHabits? or honey when you're hungry; full when you're not; blue visit when you're in Amsterdam; and somewhere to stick your fla g, if you're a President. The Moon sheds light on all stQges of man's For all-over depilatory electrolysis development. And of woman ' s: from Ma.i den 'to Mother ar~cl ,return home smo0tlol and to Hag (oo,ps I - Sorry, senior citizen) . androgynous Rather lethal when furthest from the Sun - This is the time of Full Moon and is particularly beloved of '--- - - - - - - - - - - - --..J werewolves. These being folk who have tQken the old warnings literally and N'eer wst a cloul when Full Moon's aut - rather they stock up on extra hair. PsyGhiQtrists recognise this link in censidering them lunati(s - which is a little rough when the poor sods only wanted te be warmly dressed I

AQUA'RIUS CLINICS

The Traditional Horror .c ou.r se

® W.pnwlde the bricks for you to build up

A great place for astrologers to meet and hav.e social interteurse

l ·1 £etters to tlte Jlendltitter ~ SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT by Anon. (London)

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT ?? by Deborah 'Sooperwoman- even does her own gardening(!)' Houlding (Notts.)

ASTRO-PETS - by Daphne Scuttle (Yorks.)

moon

AQUA'RIUS CLINICS

The Traditional Horror .c ou.r se

® W.pnwlde the bricks for you to build up

A great place for astrologers to meet and hav.e social interteurse

'flfle peeple invelveEI ilil the prodllletion of this publication aFe net giving away their names. In fact, all ef olllr contributors have ma~e a paint of re~qwesting anonymity. We alie happy to observe their wishes. iJiihe ~ollewing peeple had motlfiing wlilatseever to do with material OOiiltained lllelieiN: IRosi AEiams

Jackie 111olding

Kim Falimell

Deborah Houlding

Anfilr Gliay:

Br;ian Moore

Peta High

David Plant

Peter Hill

Paul Whitehouse

If yow w0wld like to sertcl l'l'laterial for ouli next siek vent~.llie, please note the followirtg: •

•

• •

•

All material is to l;>e swliun itted on 5%" computer disc, 11313C B e.:empatible, an€1 formatted for W®~d5tar v.1. 1fhe aceompanying hard eopy must be neatly typed and laser Ji>firtfe€1 (with double line spaGiflg~ on Conqweror best quality laid paper ~ pale oysteli shade preferred). All <iliagrams t6 be pr@duced in CoveiOraw versimn 5 ~ar~d gutputted it1 full col0ur please). Arti<t:les for considerati(j)n t€> ltle mm less than 5000 words and no mgre ~flam 5005 wouds. If your work is ngt C@lflsi€lered fl!lrnny, you will be ask:e<iJ tm o€>rrect it until you get it right. We reserve tlrle ri~ht te edit, chop, 11:1'lange, completely: oblitevate any or all of y®ur argumemts, make y,oru loe>k like a me ron anGI take f~ll credit for all yot!lr best wmr~. If ygu should l'lav.e a ~r01illem with arny of the above, please hesitate to get in touch.

S1:fJP PRESS! i.l last mit~it check has revealed thar we have published the wrong charH it1 Lilly Williams amcle agait1. Oh dear, I am so sony. lJt~forllmatly that page has gone lo pr;itlt so all we can do is detale here the data thai we Nhood should have givetl. It is: 15:10 am GMT, 15.6.94, Z.Onilo11. Apologies to Lilly. tJilly has also graciously poit~ted out that the /Jirth data given, IJy mistake, for Adam Faith, is not cot:J'ect. We hope to give you the eornect data /OF the imm,llect chart ill our tlexl isshew. Vmuses & trines!! (the heatlhitter)