he’s not a mind reader
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And Other Brilliant I n s i g h t s f o r a Fa b u l o u s F i r s t Ye a r o f M a r r i a g e
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A ’s girl e Guid
Brenda Garrison
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Published by Standard Publishing, Cincinnati, Ohio www.standardpub.com Copyright © 2010 by Standard Publishing All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in reviews, without the written permission of the publisher. Also available: Put the Seat Down and Other Brilliant Insights for an Awesome First Year of Marriage: A Guy’s Guide by Jess MacCallum, ISBN 978-0-7847-7462-5, copyright © 2010 by Jess MacCallum. Printed in: United States of America Editor: Laura Derico Cover design: Ben Gibson Cover illustration: © CSA Images Interior design: Katherine Lloyd, The DESK Interior illustrations: Jess MacCallum All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (AMP) are taken from the Amplified® Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org) All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (KJV) are taken from the King James Version. ISBN 978-0-7847-2562-7 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Garrison, Brenda, 1959He’s not a mind reader and other brilliant insights for a fabulous first year of marriage : a girl’s guide / Brenda Garrison. p. cm. ISBN 978-0-7847-2562-7 (perfect bound) 1. Wives--Religious life. 2. Newlyweds--Religious life. 3. Marriage--Religious aspects--Christianity. I. Title. BV4528.15.G37 2010 248.8'435--dc22 2010029139 15 14 13 12 11 10 123456789
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contents introduction
her man. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
chapter one
the big, hairy man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
chapter two
he’s not a mind reader. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
chapter three
reality romance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
chapter four
it’s your body, but he gets to look at it. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
chapter five
wilma flintstone got something right. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
chapter six
be his what?!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
chapter seven
crockpot, meet microwave . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
chapter eight
he’s not your dad, you’re not his mom. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
chapter nine
talking dollars and sense . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101
chapter ten
hang in there, it’s a process . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111
conclusion
one more thing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
about the author. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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introduction
her man
“. . . and Wikipedia says he’s monogamous!”
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H
er man. That is the way my grandma has always referred to someone’s husband:
7 “Her man worked on the farm.” 7 “Her man had a heart attack.” 7 “Her man was from Kansas.” But no matter what she says about “her man” or someone else’s man, she says it with a measure of respect. With that measure of respect comes a certain way of treating her man and talking to him, and a certain set of expectations of him. That respect is lacking in many marriages today—no matter the generation. Reflecting the typical wisecracking wife/bumbling husband image seen in almost every sitcom created since the invention of TV, women of all ages are treating their men like little boys, incompetents, or girlfriends. What’s the big deal? The guys don’t even notice or care, right? Pause it right there. Unlike the clueless men on TV, real men do notice. Next time 10
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you’re in the presence of a woman disrespecting her man (of course, that won’t be you!), just take a look at his face. Women of all types are missing God’s plan for wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), and the blessings and benefits that come with that. The way we treat our men helps determine the kind of husbands they become. The wife whose comments to her husband are often “Do what I tell you” and “You never do anything right” may be tempting him to find someone who thinks he does a lot of things well. However, the wife whose comments to her husband are often “Thanks for helping with the dishes!” and “The lawn looks great!” may discover her man is a whole lot more understanding of her PMS, pre-PMS, and post-PMS. As you enter your married life I want to share with you a few ideas that will show you how to help your man thrive in his role of husband and, as a result, in life. I’ve made lots of mistakes in my twenty-five years of marriage. But God gently shaped me into the wife that has helped Gene thrive as a fabulous husband. Join me in my journey. Learn from my MANY mistakes. And then you might just hear people say:
7 “Her man is respected.” her man
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7 “Her man works hard.” 7 “Her man treats her like a queen.”
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chapter two
he’s not a mind reader
Some relationships are doomed from the start.
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O
n a recent Sunday evening I was upset when my
husband and I went to bed. Since I didn’t want to let on to our fifteen-year-old daughter or keep Gene up, I went into our master bathroom to cry and pray. After about ten minutes Gene opened the door. “Are you upset?” The lack of concern in his voice did not make me want to run to his arms. “Why do you want to know?” I sniffed and glared at him with red, puffy eyes. “What are you upset about now?” He proceeded to list a few issues I had chewed on over the weekend. He still doesn’t get me, came my superior female reasoning. This insight made me even madder—not only did he not have a clue what was causing me great distress, he thought I was holding on to things I had already dealt with and discarded. “You think I’m upset about that stuff. That doesn’t mean anything to me!” (Sniff, sniff—just the right amount of tears. Too many overwhelm and shut down most men.) With that statement we both knew our pettiness was done 26
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and I explained to him I was upset over a couple of situations with our older girls. Being my ever-faithful knight in shiny armor, he once again mounted his white horse and came to my rescue. “I’ll talk to both of the girls and get this worked out.” My hero! You would think I would know better than to assume Gene knew how I felt. But no—I wanted Gene to know I was upset and why. Surely he could have figured it out, right? Wrong. He knows me like none other, but he still can’t read my mind. We wives want our husbands to understand us. More than that. We want them to see inside us—to know when to draw us out, and when to let us brood. We want them to know that even though we said, “That purse is too expensive,” we really mean “Go back and get it.” We want them to know not only what we are mad about but why we are mad—yep, men don’t usually get the why. However, our men are mere mortals, not mind readers. Any mind-reading superpowers your husband seemed to have when you were dating are long gone. Who knows—maybe the motivation is not as strong or, more likely, your conversations are less clouded now by romantic bliss, but for whatever reason, that kiss at the altar seems to have sapped all the intuition out of him—at least where your inner thoughts and feelings are concerned. he’s not a mind reader
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No longer does he know how you feel about what your sister said to you. Nor can he sense that you are nervous about your job interview—even when you start chain-smoking and eating Moose Tracks ice cream . . . at the same time. He doesn’t understand why you can’t settle on one stupid dress for his stupid high school reunion (you saw his old girlfriend on Facebook). And he won’t know these things unless you tell him. He wants to know these things—OK, maybe not all of these things. But he definitely wants to know you. It’s just that he’ll never understand you. That is not a man-slam. It’s just the truth. Men are wired differently than women and parts of our minds—the female parts— will never make sense to them, no matter how many tears we shed or hours we spend or aspirins we take to get rid of the headaches we get when we try to explain ourselves to them. And let’s face it—we’re not mind readers either. We may be better at remembering what we know about them, or perhaps we may be slightly more adept at feigning interest in their obsessions. But that doesn’t mean we understand why he can only wear one kind of socks or why he likes the movies he does or why he gets angry and sarcastic every time he’s sad. So what should you do? Invest in plush bathroom furnishings so at least you have someplace comfortable to hide and cry? Just because 28
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we think and feel differently doesn’t mean we can’t have meaningful communication and deeper connections. We need to learn to communicate in a way that works for both us and our husbands. Start by studying your man. Most men have four limiting factors in common when it comes to listening to women: 1) limited endurance; 2) distracter factors; 3) shutdown switches; and 4) guydefined goals. First, most men come Duct Tape Your Mouth with an automatic timer—they can I f T hese Wor ds only listen for so long in a particular Come to Mind day or sometimes even during a parYou should know why! ticular conversation. How and when You never want to talk to me. Why don’t you ever is your guy most attentive? Second, want to talk to me? Why? Are you listening? You’re most men have certain things that will not listening! You never suck their attention away from you understand me! at a moment’s notice—whether it be S hut up! I’m trying to talk to you! their latest gadgets, hunger, the news, Not now. What Not to or their favorite commercial. Be mindWear is on. ful of your guy’s distracter factors and save your breath. Third, most men have particular triggers or switches that will cause an immediate conversation shutdown. For some it’s tears, for others it’s tones of voice, for others it’s words like “you never,” “I feel,” or “female troubles” and “craft store.”
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This may be a rather painful learning curve, but pick up on your husband’s triggers and avoid them, if you can. And lastly, most men approach communication with guy-defined goals—usually involving fixing something or finding a solution or getting to the point. Crazy things like that. These goals will often not fit your needs. So you’ll have to work together to T h ree (or Fou r) T hings figure out the best way to get what to Do Ever y Day to you want out of your exchanges. I mpr ove Com municat ion But realizing what his goals are is G ive him your total attention when he talks half the battle. about his day. Here’s an example of what I’m O verlook one (or two) of talking about. When Gene comes his thoughtless comments (see 1 Peter 4:8). in the door after work he immediN o more nagging—use ately starts shuffling through his a sticky note, a text, or frosted writing on a pile of mail and my notes for him. cinnamon roll to remind him of dinner with your He fires off half-questions and parents or to pick up the comments: “What’s this?” and “I milk. already saw this” and “What’s in L augh at his jokes. here?” The reason these are halfquestions and comments is because only half of his brain is engaged—the other half is still at work. This used to drive me crazy. I finally figured out that, when Gene comes home, he needs
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some downtime to transfer his thinking from work to home. So now when he starts this, I sweetly say, “Let’s talk about it in a few minutes.” By giving Gene time to transition, he is alert and ready to deal with the business of our home. I am less frustrated with his after-work ADD, and we have better communication and a more enjoyable evening. My mom used to tell me, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Gene has often agreed with her. I am passionate and sometimes bossy. This combination can come across as harsh (did I mention how passionate I am?), especially to a man who did not get married to be bossed or lectured. He had enough of that in the Marines. God used two verses from Proverbs to get my attention and take off my rough edges. Proverbs 15:1 spoke directly to my tone, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” My to-the-point, no-holds-barred tone unnecessarily agitated Gene. Then God hit me with the warning of what would happen if I didn’t change my tone. “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1). Yikes! I had the power to build up my man, home, and family, but I also had the power to destroy it all. Now I was the one who had to polish my listening skills. I started listening to God when he showed me the edge on my words, then I he’s not a mind reader
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chose my words more wisely. I also learned to relax my tone and give my husband time to respond. Communication may be difficult sometimes, but it’s never impossible. Unlike mind reading. Or understanding why fifteen minutes in football takes three hours.
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th e
t smar s ’ l Gir e Guid
S 7
to Being Fabulous
mart girls learn the finer points of male/female communication.
He’s not your girlfriend, so don’t expect him to be. If you want to talk something into the ground, call a girlfriend. In the story I shared at the beginning of the chapter, if I would have gone on and on with female detail, Gene would have shrugged his shoulders and gone back to bed. But since I fairly concisely shared my feelings and the cause, he was able to come up with a way to help.
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For the times you don’t want help, tell him that first: “I just need to process.” My friend Amelia and her husband Jack have worked this out. “Basically, like most women, I am a verbal processor. And Jack, like most men, is a problem-solver. So early in our marriage, I would be ‘processing’ and he was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by me contradicting myself while I talked, not making sense (to him), rabbittrailing as I went. He couldn’t keep up, and therefore didn’t feel like he could either understand me or help me. So we learned that I would preface a ‘processing session’ by letting him know I was just needing
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to process, and I actually gave him permission to zone out during the first 75 percent of what I was going to say—and then, when I felt like I had come to a more succinct conclusion, I would say his name and then he knew to pay attention. That way, it minimized frustration on both our parts, and he didn’t have to feel badly for not really paying attention—because I had given him permission not to. And yet, we both knew that when I got down to the nitty-gritty, he was fully there.”
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Not to overstate the fact, but HE’S NOT A GIRL. Don’t expect him to feel and react the same way you do. Especially during hard times—loss of a job, friend, or child—give him room to work through the situation. Anne and Jeremy were expecting their third child. One test led to another and the diagnosis was given that this baby girl would not live. She went into the arms of Jesus six hours after birth. Anne and Jeremy processed and dealt with her diagnosis and home-going very differently. At the end of a lengthy e-mail explaining their personal journeys, Anne concluded, “In a nutshell? I chose an avenue of quiet, solitary meditation, and Jeremy chose an active pursuit of answers to the questions he had in his heart. And God met each on our own path, and has brought us to a better understanding of him, ourselves, and each other as a result.”
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Connect the dots for him. If you had an awful day at work and would like for him to pick up dinner, here’s what you do: call or text him and 34
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tell him you had an awful day at work and would like for him to pick up dinner. Again, men aren’t mind readers and they don’t like for us to assume they are. Most husbands love to please their wives—they just need a few ideas. OK, lots of ideas. Speaking of ideas—give your husband a list of what you would like for your birthday or Christmas. Include size, color, and store or Web site. Our first Christmas required knee-jerk grace on my part. Gene bought me a blouse—striped with a self-tie bow. It could be argued that it was in style, but it wasn’t my style. Lesson learned.
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Give him a chance to talk. Ask him about his day—more than “How was your day?” Ask about details and events. Let the conversation lull so he can share what’s on his mind. Don’t over-respond when he shares. Affirm his thoughts. Remember, you want to be his go-to girl for respect and affirmation. He doesn’t need to look elsewhere. He’s got it all in you.
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about the author
B
renda Garrison is a wife, stay-at-home mom, author, and speaker
who empowers women of all ages and backgrounds with the confidence to live their calling. Actively involved in leading women’s ministries for over a decade, she speaks the truth of God’s Word to women (including her three daughters) so they can live and be all God planned for them to be. Brenda and her big, hairy man, Gene, have been married for over twentyfive years. They have a totally red-headed family—including their golden retriever, Riley—and live near Metamora, Illinois. To find out more about Brenda and read her blog, go to www.brendagarrison. com. Brenda’s other books include Queen Mom: A Royal Plan for Restoring Order in Your Home and Princess Unaware: Finding the Fabulous in Every Day. They can be purchased at www.standardpub.com.
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