State of Mind

Five Ways to Handle Conflict in Uncertain Times

WRITTEN BY RANDALL FORD, DDS, MACSD

The coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) pandemic has been stressful for all of us. Fear and anxiety about a new disease and what could happen can be overwhelming and cause strong emotions in adults and children. Social distancing can make one feel isolated and lonely and can increase stress and anxiety in facing the unknown. Learning to cope with the stress and the conflicts that can arise between people can be a healthy way to make you, the people you care about and the community at large stronger. I would like to suggest five things that you can do to help handle conflict during these uncertain times.

The first thing to do is to realize that the person you are in conflict with may be as fearful of uncertainty as you are. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”-George Lucas. Fear often has us reacting irrationally rather than making reasonable decisions. Fear can cause us to be short with one another and to assume the worst of others. Try not to jump to conclusions, and also give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Secondly, remember that there can be more than one right answer. My dad owned a security company, and he said that he often told his people what needed to get done, then got out of their way and let them do it. He said that they wouldn’t do it the way that he would have done it but that didn’t matter as long as the job got done. Just because someone doesn’t do something your way doesn’t mean that it is the wrong way.

Thirdly, don’t forget, just because you have the right to do something doesn’t make it the right thing to do. We sometimes forget that other people have rights too, and that exercising our rights can violate their rights, or in the very least lead to a less than optimal outcome. When I was raising my son, I had many rights as a parent, but I didn’t always insist on them because it would have harmed our relationship. It wouldn’t have been the right thing to do.

The fourth and one of the most important things you can do to handle conflict is to work together or collaborate to find solutions to problems rather than trying to win. Thomas and Kilmann came up with a model that describes the way people handle conflict. There are five ways that people handle conflict, and they are all appropriate in the right circumstance. However, they have very different outcomes. They are: 1. Compete, 2 Compromise, 3. Avoid, 4. Accommodate, and 5. Collaborate.

Competition is where you either win or lose. This is also known as a zero sum. The more I win the more you lose. This is good for one party and bad for the other. It is also potentially bad for the relationship. Compromise is where both parties give up a little of what they want in order to reach a quick and acceptable arrangement. Avoidance is where you don’t really care about the outcome or the relationship. You just don’t want to be bothered. Accommodation is when the relationship is much more important to you than the issue at hand. My father-in-law used to describe this as “going along to get along.” Finally, collaboration is when you work together to come up with the best solution for all involved. This takes more time than the other options, but it can yield a better result. By working together, you can share ideas and come up with solutions that neither party would have thought of on their own. This is called “expanding the pie.” You get a bigger and better opportunity for respectful resolution to the situation that you find yourself in.

The last thing that I recommend is to remember that Statesboro is a small community, and people know each other better than in a large city like Chicago or New York. Therefore, I would suggest that you value relationships over results if you can’t have both. Collaboration can help achieve both, but sometimes it is better to lose the battle and live to win the war. To me winning the war in a town like Statesboro means getting along with those around you so that everyone can work and play together respectfully and in peace.. S