by Darrell Barnes, Matthew Carter and Lucy Newlyn

World’s Most Boring Limerick

This exchange of limericks, originally posted in the “World’s Most Boring Limerick” challenge, was composed as a collaborative effort by Darrell Barnes, Matthew Carter and Lucy Newlyn.

Matthew

I once owned a flickering desk light, Whose bulb fitting wasn’t screwed tight, I gave it a spin, And it wedged in its rim, And now the lamp’s moderately bright.

Darrell

I read Matthew’s verse with alarm, ‘cos dodgy electrics get warm: a loose-fitting wire can cause a small fire. I do hope he’ll not come to harm.

Matthew

Last night a hand stifled my scream, As I was kidnapped by an armoured SWAT team, I was chucked in a car, And driven quite far, But woke up - it was all just a dream.

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And Darrell don’t worry I survived, I was lucky the ambulance arrived. I am not a bright spark, And was plunged in the dark, But the man made sure I was revived.

Serves me right for not seeing that wire, I might easily have started a fire, But next time I know, When the filament’s aglow, That to touch it might be quite dire!

Darrell

Brown’s the live wire (so it’s been for quite a while now) - as is seen from this sketch; of the two that remain, one is blue (the neutral). Earth’s yellow and green.

Matthew

Thanks for this wonderful advice, Both informative and yet also concise, Now I know which is which, I’ll simply turn off the switch, And the same accident won’t happen twice!

Darrell

If the brown and blue wires should touch there’ll be a big bang, and not much of your house will remain. These instructions are plain, couched in English, and not double Dutch.

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Darrell (a bit later)

Let the smoke and the flames disappear before you go anywhere near the main fuse box which sports a bloody great switch which has tripped. It hasn’t? Oh dear!

Lucy - The Kind Warning

There was a kind writer, concerned To make sure his young friend wasn’t burned. He made post after post, But all efforts were lost: The prodigy got what he earned.

Darrell

Tell your insurers today! Demand that they instantly pay and defray all the cost of what you have lost. I trust that your cover’s OK?

Lucy - Epitaph for Matthew Carter

There was a young student, so bright, So poetic, so clever, so right For the course he was steering But then came the searing: The sudden quick death in the night.

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Darrell

His mistakes and omissions appal! How anyone taught at the Hall could make such a cock-up beats me. He ’d best stock up, for it seems he has nought left at all.

Lucy - The elegiac voice deepens

Oh woe and oh woe, and thrice woe! Alas, is it thus - even so? Was it fair, was it right That this student, so bright, Met his end in a dazzling glow?

Darrell

On reflection, it seems almost criminal that a scholar, who seemed to be firm in all his studies, should rue the day when the blue was connected to the brown terminal.

Matthew (after a long while) - Fear even more the heat o’ the lamp

Hi guys, don’t worry - I’m not dead! Though I am in a hospital bed… I forgot your advice, Now I’m paying the price, I should have heeded all that you said.

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One day my next essay I was writing, (On Derrida and Foucault - how exciting!) My progress was strong, (Is Barthes right or wrong?) When I noticed my lamp was igniting.

Remembering what you said in my mind, I was confident of an issue of this kind, The brown wire I cut, Then the light bulb went PHUT And now in a ward I’m confined.

Much of what happened is hazy, I keep muttering - my nurse thinks I’m crazy! Suddenly everything went black, I was thrown on my back, And now I’m in bed being lazy.

Everything else is confusing, All I’m left with is rather bad bruising, Your concern says it all We’re a family at this Hall, Maybe you’ll help with my fusing…?

Thank you for all your kind verse, It’s been soothing as my pain’s getting worse. I’ll just knock back a pill As I’ m feeling quite ill, And hopefully my pain will disperse…

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Darrell

I rejoice! It’s abundantly clear that Matthew did not disappear. The wiring corrected, he’s been resurrected (Easter’s come early this year).

Lucy

I rejoice that young Matthew’s not dead And hope he’ll be back, on this thread. If he doesn’t appear There’s nothing to fear: He’s just writing his essays, in bed.

Darrell

I wouldn’t presume to suppose that Matthew continues to doze: his knowledge he builds through his City & Guilds before another fuse blows.

Lucy

You’re right: it’s too soon to assume! His brain could be damaged by fumes! He could now be lying Quite ill, even dying Alone in a Teddy Hall room!

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Who’ll check out this student’s okay? I’m his tutor, but too far away. Is he having bad nights? Does he need the last rites? Does he have something urgent to say?

Darrell

There’s a school of thought in two camps: should you unplug all your lamps if they’re not being used? Some maintain, if they’re fused, you ’ll not suffer a surfeit of amps.

To avoid the risk of a fire, I advise, before you retire with your cocoa-filled mug: switch off every plug or you’ll join the heavenly choir.

Lucy - La Mort de l’Auteur or: the dangers of too much reading

I’ve just heard that Matthew is dead. How shocking. They found him in bed With books all around him And ideas inside him. There isn’t much more to be said.

His ending should teach us to dread All that foreignness on which he fed. It wasn’t loose wiring That caused his expiring: It was Theory that went to his head.*

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Lucy - Hurrah! The Second Resurrection or: the tutor gladly recognises her mistake

Matthew Carter’s not dead after all, So all is not lost at the Hall! It was Hirsch* saved the day And showed him the way To get up from his bed, and stand tall.

* “In Defence of the Author.” Validity in Interpretation. New Haven: Yale UP, 1967. 1-23.

[This limerick was written collaboratively by Will Austin, Tabby Hayward and Lucy Newlyn at the end of a Wednesday Workshop.]

A message of thanks

Matthew! Sadly you weren’t there to nurse The sick with your bright jaunty verse*. But please do not worry; I made sure your story Saved readers from Theory - and worse.

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