5 ractical P Parenting EFive ncouragements in
'Not So Easy' Lessons
Parenting “The toughest job you’ll ever love.”
By: Dr. Boyd Chitwood Headmaster Cambridge Christian School
It's Been Said “Being a parent is the toughest job you'll ever love.” It's a common saying because all of us have faced moments when we struggle and have asked God for wisdom in doing what is right for our children. “Practical Parenting Encouragements” is a collection of five thoughtful articles by our Headmaster, Dr. Boyd Chitwood, reprinted from Cambridge Christian School’s publication “The Spirit.” In them you will find practical advice on knowing your child deeply, being active and decisive parents, exploring your child's hidden talents, exercising forgiveness and understanding God's vision for your family. We hope you will find this an insightful and encouraging reference. Thank you so much for being a part of the Cambridge Christian School Family.
Marty Hillier Advancement Cambridge Christian School
Encouragement Number 1 Being Students Of Our Children Let's start with a reality check: Parenting is hard. God's grace and guidance are essentials for doing it well. If you don't start with that realization, a failing performance is likely just around the corner. Parenting takes us beyond ourselves on a daily basis – beyond our abilities, our insights, our patience, our energy, our selfish interests – you name it. But if you are honest with yourself that it's hard, and humble with the Lord that you need Him daily in the challenge, then it's very encouraging to remember that it's not a performance at all. We perform and are graded when we walk in our own strength. Walking dependent on the Lord and His love for us and for our children, we're not in a graded performance, but a grace-gifted opportunity. But no self-delusion here -- the reality is that it's still hard. We, as fellow parents, can be there for each other to give 'tips' and encouragement along the way. This is in no way intended to be a comprehensive view of parenting. Instead, it's just a few lessons from scripture and experience which might be of a little help. And, by the way, they are things that tend to come up fairly often in a school setting. Be students of your children. While we begin by committing our children to the Lord, the very next thing is to commit to know our kids. Knowing them is a great remedy for trying to rewind our own lives and live through our children. Knowing them is a great occasion for seeing how “fearfully and wonderfully made” our gifts from God really are. Know them not vaguely or generally or only compared to my own experience or in ways that they're like me or unlike me or as graded by external performance challenges. Seek to know the hearts that are uniquely their own. Is my child shy or competitive or a lot like me or an A/B student? Those can be part of knowing my son or daughter, but there's so much more.
Being Students Of Our Children What can I learn from Gary Chapman's Love Languages? How does my child 'hear' love? Is it best communicated to my child by quality time spent together or by physical touch or by words of affirmation or by acts of service or by gifts that show my thought about them and knowledge of them? As David asks of God (Ps. 139:23) “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts,” let's ask the Lord to show us about our own children. How anxious or how peaceful is their heart of hearts? Do they see tests and traps all around them, or do they more naturally float their way through the day? To the one I speak more of the Lord's peace and welcoming love while to the other I might offer more encouragements to see God's purpose and call. The message is The point is not just “relax” or “get a move on;” the to 'get' the person message is to see God in absolutely who my child is. every one of life's challenges and opportunities. As they're a little older, I may come to see that my child views the world through a particular lens. He might compare life and the world to how they “ought” to be, judging by this grid of expectation. He might see each day as an occasion to perform, well or poorly. He might view most everything through the lens of relationships, always seeking to connect and be together. He might be wired to get stuff done by motivating others. He might like to see things happen and live to make a difference, sometimes for good and sometimes not. He might live much of his life in his own thoughts, delving deeply but sometimes connecting only occasionally. There are tests and profiles to guide some of this, but the key is not getting the psychology just right. The point is to 'get' the person who my child is. And to 'get' them, I need to be listening to them and caring about them each and every day. That's not really a bad start at all for the sort of relationships we all hope to have in our lives -- with our parents, our children and with others.
Encouragement Number 2 “Parent” Is A Verb Sure, “parent” is a noun, and also an adjective, but good parenting calls us often to remember that “parent” is a verb, and not a passive one at that. Let’s listen in on a couple of Proverbs which make clear how vital our active parenting can be. “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” (Proverbs 3:11-12, New International Version) That’s the reminder to receive God’s discipline as the loving care which it is. We also have a very direct admonition to discipline our own children: “Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them.” (Proverbs 19:18, The Message) As parents, we know it’s not a popularity contest, yet it can sure be difficult sometimes to know the ire our children may show us if we actively parent, limit, direct and discipline them – to know that ire and keep our resolve to act in loving discipline. Take heart that this discipline, when pursued in a godly way, will bring confident love and secure peace in our children. Discipline in relationship and intimate knowledge of our kids; otherwise, we are likely to “exasperate” (Ephesians 6:4) and “embitter” (Colossians 3:21) them. But, taking these cautions to heart, we are still supposed to discipline. Expect them to be unhappy about it fairly often. Accept that you won’t do it perfectly or make every decision with the wisdom of Solomon. Get the good counsel of other parents who’ve been there and who are there, but don’t be sucked into replacing parental judgment with opinion surveys. While always being loving and always listening, be prepared to be intrusive and controlling, too. Make decisions about TV
“Parent” Is A Verb and music and media usage. Stick by them while also being willing to learn and adapt over time as your child grows. When it comes to cell phones and texting and Facebook and all sorts of connection, our children need godly teaching from and time with their parents so much more than they need any technology. Help children to understand and come to own decisions in these areas, but be willing to be the bad guy who places the limit in the first place.
We know it’s not a popularity contest.
What will homework and chores be like at your house? When, where and with whom will your children be allowed to “hang out?” Is dating a given or a decision?
In closing, please remember that active parenting is not mainly about the don’ts. It is the do’s of love and time and play and affection and joy and reading and serving and laughing and exploring and learning and teaching. But, if you’re not willing to stand up for the limits of don’ts, then don’t expect there to be time or relationship available to enjoy the do’s.
Encouragement Number 3 Forgiveness: Ask And Offer This third installment of a series on Practical Parenting Encouragements focuses on probably the easiest to say and hardest to do among the five. Forgiveness is the topic. There is so much of good parenting, psychological wellbeing, and the core of spiritual life wrapped within its rich layers. Certainly children learn some of what they want to be as parents from their own, as well as learning some of what they don’t want to be. But ironically, the more they don’t want to repeat the way they were parented, the more likely it is that they will do so. These are the cycles of dysfunction and sin in the life of a family, be it outright abuse or just immature and self-centered parenting. So when we fail in our parenting, we cannot dismiss it as simply the ‘stuff’ our children will learn not to do with their own kids. BUT, this does not mean we pretend that we can do most everything right as we relate to our children. We’re human, we’re sinful, we fail. That’s where asking for forgiveness comes in. Think what we model for our kids when we ask forgiveness: at a young age, it’s good for them to know that their model for everything is not perfect; as they get older, it’s good for them to know that we know we aren’t perfect, because they certainly know it. Also, we show them what to do about mistakes – sure, work to learn from them and correct what you can but, even more, know that you can be forgiven. They must know that for themselves. There’s not ‘pretend’ perfection; there’s not a sentence into the bondage of performance as the basis of my worth and value as a person; there’s not a relational standard set where we have to treat each other just right or relationship will be broken. Relationships are maintained through humility, grace and forgiveness.
Forgiveness: Ask And Offer And there’s our witness to our relationship with God. If our children never see repentance and forgiveness in their interaction with us, they can still understand it from God, but it’s a much tougher road to follow when parents haven’t even begun to show the way. Finally, what sort of forgiveness do we offer to our children? We can be so easily tempted to hold it over them, to passively aggressively manipulate them, to withhold our own full love and affection and delight as a carrot and stick to prod for good behavior. But, in the simplest terms, it doesn’t work and it fails to follow the loving example of our God. “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Rom. 5:8) “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God” (Eph. 2:8) To offer Think forgiveness means to freely give it. If what we model our children don’t fully receive it, they for our kids when miss much of the power and healing we ask forgiveness: which forgiveness brings. But our offer is not contingent upon them earning it. Revelation 10 shows us that Satan is the one who revels in accusing. God loves and forgives, even to the point that He paid the price for sin in the gift of His Son on the Cross. To keep the whole picture in mind, God disciplines and allows consequences for our sin, but when it comes to satisfying His ultimate justice, His love for us moves Him to make the sacrifice Himself which we are unable to make. As parents, we lovingly allow our children to experience consequences of their choices, but we give ourselves for our children’s good, paying the price which they are unable to pay. Forgiveness, asked for and offered freely. our children, and the glory of our God!
For the good of
Encouragement Number 4 Motivation This topic in the series doesn’t always come up in parenting manuals. The key in this topic is not the amount of motivation, but the type. External or internal? Extrinsic or intrinsic? Many parenting books and teacher training programs don’t seem to care where motivation for children and students comes from, just as long as it can be used to move them along. There’s a psychological theory called Behaviorism propounded most influentially by B.F. Skinner which argues that people are only the sum total of stimulus and response, doing more of what gets a positive response and less of what gets a negative one. Not many of us would want to accept a theory that says the heart and motive don’t matter, but sometimes our strategies of motivation say just that. Perhaps too often, we reward and punish only to get the behavior we want from our children. Let’s explore the Bible’s view on this. “…Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Sam. 16:7b) “…the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts…” (1 Chron. 28:9) And a prophetic word goes straight to the point: “Rend your heart and not your garments,” (Joel 2:13) making clear that God will count repentance as the honest action of the heart rather than an external response of hypocrisy. So, motives do matter. But do godly motives mean that reward cannot be considered? Let’s check the Bible’s word on this, too. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” (Col. 3:23-24) Paul speaks of his own motivation: “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 3:14) Pursuing God’s reward is a godly motive, though we also grow in the sort of self-giving love with which God has first loved us: “…Love each other as I have loved you.
Motivation Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (Jn. 15: 12-13) How do we practice that? How do we parent and teach with God’s objectives in mind? Punishment and reward are certainly part of it. These, and the behaviors they discourage and encourage, are never an end in themselves, though. We are always to be teaching and modeling and encouraging that the Lord’s will, call, pleasure, presence and glory are our desires and our rewards. Certainly, just attaching an admonition to “obey God” to whatever we want our children to do will teach them little more than to limit God to the size and purity of our own hearts, to their detriment and ours. Also, though, manipulating behavior by candy and gifts and money and praise – both withheld Do godly motives and given out in miserly proportions mean that – exalts the desired action as the reward cannot ideal along with trinkets and trifling be considered? approval as the glorious reward. That our children see through this farce is the best thing about it. In just a word or two, excellence and achievement can be intrinsic, God-honoring rewards along the way with the pleasure and glory of God as the prize for which we are called heavenward in Christ Jesus. A gift or a grade aren’t bad things in the process, but they are never the ultimate for which we want our children to strive. To fulfill God’s design and answer God’s call is the passion and fire of a life lived in light of eternity. As we model and teach this to our children, we are giving them a gift greater than any bauble they could pick up in the quest.
Encouragement Number 5 Vision This last installment is about vision. What is our vision for parenting? What is our vision for our children? What might it be? Does a mom want her daughter to grow up to be a doctor? Does a dad want his son to join him in the family business? Do I want my child to have athletic successes which I had, or ones I didn't have? Do you dream of academic or artistic successes for your child? Do we want him to be happy or popular or well-to-do or admired or any number of other laudable possibilities? What if our objective as parents is to pursue the fullness of God's created intent for our children? Are these just vague words, or might they make a life-giving difference for my child? The first installment in this series of parenting articles dealt with being a student of my child, knowing deeply who he is uniquely. This is pursuing the fullness of God's created intent for my child. The second article talked about parenting as a verb, being active and decisive and sometimes unpopular in my willingness to limit and direct my child. The connection here is that God's plan for my child is not revealed or encouraged by passing whims and foolish freedoms. God's plan is truly freeing, but it is a course of discipline and intentionality. As a parent, I look for and help my child look for his unique gifts and interests and abilities. I lead him to pursue this divine design, rather than just go with the flow of passing desires or the pounding waves of peer pressure. The third article was about encouraging intrinsic motivation for our children. Exploring and nurturing exactly who God made them to be is a search for just that kind of motivation. The fourth article focused on asking for and extending forgiveness. Any pursuit of God's design for my child must prominently include an appreciation of the thoroughgoing and deeply rooted character of God's grace. The Lord's created intent for my child includes a huge measure of understanding grace offered in Jesus Christ.
Vision Pursuing the fullness of God's created intent for my child is not just a repetition of all these other points, but rather a plan of action through which they are realized. It is vitally important to understand that this pursuit is not an obstacle course plotted by a cruel creator. God is not waiting with traps when my child and I waiver from perfect recognition of the path. Instead, this is a path of discovery, finding the gifts of grace in personality and ability, aptitude and attitude which the Lord has liberally given to my child as His loving creation. Proverbs 22:6 says “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Numerous biblical commentators explain “the way he should go” as more an individual, godly design than a general way of righteousness. What if our objective The Bible certainly teaches as parents broad categories of right living is to pursue according to God's will, but it the fullness of also tells of God's good plans God's created intent for us and His loving creation of for our children? us. See, too, Ephesians 4 and Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 for explicit teaching on our unique gifting and design. God's design for my child has multiple facets like a diamond ready to be discovered in its full beauty. The pursuit of that full beauty is the awesome calling God gives us in the incredible privilege of parenting.
About the Author Dr. Boyd Chitwood has served in Christian school and church ministry for 30 years, obtaining a Masters in Theology from Vanderbilt University and an Ed.D. from the University of Arkansas at Little Rock. He is in his fifth year as Headmaster at Cambridge Christian School and previously served Little Rock Christian Academy as Head of School for 13 years in a period of school growth and campus expansion, with enrollment rising from near 300 students to over 1200 students in a decade. Dr. Chitwood and his wife Chrissy are the parents of four children, ages 23, 21, 19 and 17. Through ministry, training and education, but mostly through God's grace and the daily lessons of family and school life, Dr. Chitwood is grateful for the challenges and encouragements about parenting which the Lord has provided.
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