St. Luke’s Student Voice Since 800 B.C.
Inside this tissue....
Dan Kagan’s New Event
St. Luke’s To Hold Hunger Games
Read all about it on page 4!
St. Puke’s School
Yikes, page 7.
Tennis Teams Cancelled ... see page 5 for more details.
377 South Wilton Road - New Canaan, CT - 90210
April 2012
Announcements
I
C aw l e
e g d
St. Luke’s To Launch Center For Followers After Realizing Not Everyone Can Be a Leader 5th Grade Hallway to Be Replaced With Golf Course and Full Massage Service Area
Nelson Mandela To Speak To the Middle School on the Importance of Personal Hygiene
Casually the worst photoshop job ever
College Counseling Office to Be Re-named “Cawledge Counseling Office” Rick Santorum and Herman Cain Tag-team Writing Duo
The hallways were abuzz today in light of a recent development. It has surfaced that starting on April 4th, the College Counseling Office, will be renamed the Cawledge Counseling Office. Apparently, this name-change has been in the works for months. When asked the motivations behind such a drastic change, Ms. Sonia Bell, College Counselor, and social butterfly, had the following to say, “We feel “Cawledge”, more accurately reflects the sociolinguistic norms which characterize the language of the modern student. Essentially, it’s cooler, and we’re trying to boost our image with the kids. We can get down too!” Beyond this, the administration hopes that the name change will basically trick kids into entering the office, as “cawledge” connotes the more fun -loving, party-ridden side of college life, while “college” connotes the academic and stress-ridden side of university life.
This week in news.....
Once the name change is enacted, the CCO itself will undergo a drastic renovation. The glass top table will be replaced with a ping pong table, the black chairs with foldable ones, and the sofas with two moth-infested couches which Mrs. Tregallas found on the side of the road. “The new furniture was all chosen within a fraternity theme in mind,” says Mr. Gaudet, who headed the renovation committee in the past months. In addition, the College Counseling Plaque found on the outside of the door today, will soon be replaced with a red and white banner that reads “I <3 Cawledge.” Clearly, the change would effect some students more than others, namely everyone but the seniors. Reactions to the change have spanned the gauntlet. Some students were horrified by the idea, Junior Ron Holland even exclaimed in the cafeteria, “I just... I just... HATE it!!!!!” Onlookers say that upon hearing the news, he was undoubtedly in a state of severe mental distress.
- Spring break was cancelled, we had school. Where were you? - Darmouth Aires were actually the Acafellas in diguise. - In order to have a sucessful March Madness bracket, you must not have known what basketball was when you made it.
All Classes Officially Cancelled Next Year For This Year’s Seniors Prom Boat Sinks, Titanic Comparison Inevitable Mr. Lebris: Self Professed “Number One Fan of ‘Call Me Maybe’ by Carly Rae Jepsen”
Mr. Schacht Buys Toaster Strudel; Kid Faints
Dale Griffa Finds the Secret to Eternal Youth
2
April 2012
HILLTOP NEWS
St. Luke’s To Host Hunger Games
The Sentinel Staff
Jessup Daniel SLS Alum Students have been on edge this week, and for good reason. The administration has recently announced its intention to host its very own Hunger Games. For those of you who don’t know, the Hunger Games are a fight to the death between unlucky children chosen at random. The children are confined to an arena until only one remains. Each child in grades 5-12 will have their name entered into the drawing once. Two students from each grade, one girl and one boy, will be chosen to enter the arena. In the original announcement of the Games, the administration said, “We feel SLS is the perfect environment for such a competition for two reasons. Firstly, we have wide access to children. Secondly, these children are mortal. Perfect!” It seems, however, that there is an ulterior motive besides simply the entertainment of the faculty. A student who wishes to remain unidentified overheard Mr. Yavenditti in the corridors saying the following, “To be honest, we’ve run out of ideas to enforce the dress code. Mr. Holyfield’s at the end of his rope and weve just gotta try something new.” Word is that whenever students are written up for a dress code violation their name will be entered in the drawing an extra time. There was a noticeable decrease in pocketed pants following this rumor, but only time will tell if it holds any water. To get to the bottom of this, the Sentinel confronted Mr. Yavenditti, who said with a satisfied huff, “Maybe you’ll think twice about wearing that polo next
time!” For the time being, our suspicions seemed to be confirmed, and we highly recommend strictly adhering to the dress-code for now. In light of this announcement, the administration has received numerous parental complaints. Parents have reportedly cited everything from the “insanity” of the idea to the “complete and utter illegality” of it, but the administration has taken it all in stride, with Mrs. Miller adding,
Editors in Chief Your Maternal Cousin Steve Your Roommates Brother’s Ex-Girlfriends Deseased Grandfather’s Previous Employee Sports Editor Bobby Quackenbush Arts Editor Bobby Quackenbush World News Editor Bobby Quackenbush School News Editor Bobby Quackenbush Music Editor Bobby Quackenbush
“Look, it’s not like we’ve never dealt with parent complaints before. The proper steps are being taken to deal with each and every situation, but we’re certainly not going to let these fidgety parents get in the way of our Games.” The Games are scheduled to begin on the third Sunday of April.
Joseph Kony to Host Lunch & Lead Jason Russel Staff Writer
Staff Writers Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Photographers Bobby Quackenbush Bobby Quackenbush Sobby-Bobby Quackenbush
If you haven’t heard of Joseph Kony, you’ve been living under a rock. And probably, a rock entirely devoid of social media. Joseph Kony is only the biggest thing to hit slackivism since livestrong bracelets! The CFL recently announced that the next speaker in the Lunch & Lead series will be none other than the infamous, Joseph Kony. Considering no one knows where Joseph Kony is at the moment, he will attend the Lunch & Lead via video conference. The Sentinel contacted Kony for a comment, and he replied, “When Mr. Foley reached out to me about this, I was skeptical at best. I’m on the run from international authorities
Faculty Advisors Mr. Quackenbush Mr. Quackenbush and so naturally trying to keep a low profile. After about 20 minutes on the phone though, he totally won me over. What a great man. Tell Mr. Foley I say hi please, and can’t wait to talk again.” In response Mr. Foley commented, “The CFL is not a one sided organization, we are trying to expose students to all different types of leadership. And hi Kony! Great talking to you too, see you soon <3.” Everyone make sure to see Mr. Foley to sign up! The Lunch & Lead will take place next Wednesday in the Global Classroom. Kony adds, it “will be in your best intersests” to stop by for a discussion of the Kony 2012 campaign from the man who knows himself best.
I’m telling you, the kid does it all.
Join The Sentinel Do you kind of like to write? Take instagram pictures? Then The Sentinel wants YOU. “Ask not what The Sentinel can do for you, but what you can do for The Sentinel.”- JFK
April 2012
HILLTOP NEWS
Parent Association To Sponsor Giant Slip-n-Slide Megamind Staff Writer The Parent Association at St. Luke’s school is reknowned throughout the community for its uncanny ability to plan things. This time, they have really outdone themselves. On Tuesday, April 14th, a giant slip and slide will be set up on the left side of the Watson Field, in Pedrick Stadium. St. Luke’s students will be invited to use the slip and slide all day during their free periods. “We are excited to see all the kids having fun in their bathing suits,” a Parent rep says. When asked if perhaps the cold weather would limit attendance, the same rep had this to say, “Well we would hope that the friction caused by the slip and slide would warm the kids right up!” The school claims to have no knowledge of this event, and is looking into it.
Introducing:
The Young Republicans Club Mac Zech Staff Writer
3
BDAY CORNER
It’s the birthday corner! The corner for birthdays. If it’s your birthday, we’re gonna put you in a corner. Hope you all like your Facebook Profile pictures! Emily Burnaman April 18th
Abby Goettler April 7th
Charlotte Robinson April 21st
Justin Hart April 14th
Peter Baritz April 6th
Craig Ballard April 9th
Sam Posner April 29th
Classes Extended One Week The Grinch Staff Writer The administration announced today, that after a super secret student council meeting with the headmaster, they have officialy reached an agreement to extend classes for one week at the end of the year. When approached, Kelly Seaver, class president, commented, “I think we all wanted it, and I’m proud to say that this student government was able to deliver it. It’s a real testament to what we can accomplish.” The adminstrtion was quick to say that while they were willing to oblidge this year, there’s no guarentee for next year. Students can only hope, but Kelly added an inside tip, “Mr. Davis loves butterscotch cookies with a leettleee bit of cinnamon, you know what I’m talking about.” The extra week will in fact replace senior week, which of course all seniors were dreading.
Didja You Know? The final exam for Anatomy, was to win the popular boardgame Operation.
Anna Simpson April 11th
Nikita Singh April 14th
Monika Gabriele April 20th
Chrisitian Duncan April 19th
Brit Viergever April 20th
Gabi Horowitz April 17th
Caroline Hopkins April 3rd
Morgan Simmonds April 25th
4
ARTS Take A Look: Student Art
Anne Troy, 8th Grade
Brooke Berlin, 10th Grade
Grace Hennemuth, 9th Grade
Jackson Prince, 11th Grade
Check it out, updated annually! The Sentinel Online blogs.stlukesct.org/sentinel or digitalsentinel.org
These articles and more.... 25 of the Best Ways to Brainwash: It’s Easy! The Best Crap of 2011 Stacks on Stacks on Stacks
Book Review:
Good Night Moon Stephanie Meyer Staff Writer
Justin Hart, 10th Grade
Chris LaBella, 12th Grade
April 2012
Brian Lundquist, 12th Grade
Psh, more like Badnight Moon. I was entirely unimpressed with this novel. Firstly, I’ll begin with the cover! Let’s take a look at the names of the author, Margaret Wise Brown, and the illustrator, Clement Hurd. I mean seriously, are they asking for poop jokes or is it just me. What’s going on here. Furthermore, the content was elemenray at best. It’s even short enough for me to put in here...so I will. Enjoy, if you can, though I doubt you will. Goodnight Moon: ...Goodnight room Goodnight moon Good night cow jumping over the moon Goodnight light And the red balloon Goodnight bears Goodnight chairs Goodnight kittens And goodnight mittens Goodnight clocks And goodnight socks Goodnight little house And goodnight mouse Goodnight comb And goodnight brush Goodnight nobody Goodnight mush And goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush” Goodnight stars Goodnight air Goodnight noises everywhere Does the author’s vocabulary only consist of 8 words? How old is she, three? It’s as if she’s naming objects for young children who don’t even know what they are called. The patronizing tone she takes in the prose is insulting, we’re adults, not infants. Furthermore, the breadth of subject matter is severly limited. Goodnight this, Goodnight that. What about Dawn? Morning? Midday? Afternoon? Twilight? All completely overlooked. In conclusion, his book could possibly make you dumber by reading it.
April 2012
FEATURES
HOLOGRAPHIC PAGE
85,000
6
April 2012
FEATURES Dan Kagan To Organize Student Ballet Performance
St. Luke’s To Launch Satelite Campus at Vista Parking Lot
Neil deGrasse Tyson Staff Writer
Rick Holyfield Staff Writer
Bobby Quackenbush Staff Writer
Connor Lofts Rick Holyfield Staff Writer
Favorite Class? Oh definitely biology, I’m really interested in the sciences and I try to never to be late to class, so I don’t miss any material! Passion? Learning. Claim to fame? I haven’t missed a day of school in a almost a year.
Match the Teacher with the Quirk! A. Was a quest star on Glee B. Participates in Civil War reenactments
2. Mr. Gammill
C. Is a member of a curling team
3. Mr. Lebris
D. Has a soft spot for Nikki Bennett-Fite
4. Mr. Griffa
E. Once Hitchhiked across the Costa Rican Border into Nicaragua
5. Doc Bierly
F. Arrives at 4:30 in the Morning
6. Buzz
D. 4
E. 1
F. 3
Answers:
C. 6
Word around the water cooler is that the popular rapper “Eminem” will be making a surprise appearance at St. Lukes in the coming weeks. The rapper is coming off an extremely successful year during which he put out a hit album entitled “Recovery”. The rapper was quoted as saying “I love the SLS vibe. They really seem to respect one another, which is important to me. I aspire to “go forth to serve” so St. Lukes just seems like a natural fit for me”. Rumors say that Eminem will be giving a meditation on positive thinking and how it has impacted his life. The verdict is still out on whether or not he will perform “The Real Slim Shady” after his meditation.
1. Mrs. Parker-Burgard
B. 5
Eminem To Give Meditation
Random Student of the Month:
A. 2
On Saturday next, head of Sixth Man and senior superlative “biggest flirt”, Dan Kagan will host the first ever annual St. Luke’s Ballet Jubilee!. In a statement to the Sentinel concerning the event, Kagan has said, “Alright guys I’m expecting a killer turnout, let’s really get ruthless with this. I love the ballet.” And apparently he’s not the only one. In the last week, Mr. Lebris and Doc Wilcox have both expressed interest in the event. One student even overheard Lebris and Doc talking in the hallway, “Look if I didn’t make it in the hard sciences, I would for sure have pursued a career in the ballet. It’s just so graceful.” “Oh agreed man, totally on the same page. Favorite move?” “Piruet, no competition.” “Right on.” They were then reported to have fist bumped.The event is the result of one of those Center for Leadership initiatives, and so should be taken seriously by all. Students interested in participating should find Dan Kagan in the hallways, and do a twirl in front of him as a preliminary audition.
Starting in June, St. Luke’s will start construction on a satelite campus at the Vista Municipal Parking Lot. The project is the brainchild of Rick Holifield, who for the past two years has worked as a liaison between St. Luke’s and the Vista parking authorities. It has come to light, however that a lot more has been in the works. The new campus will be only for Juniors, and include a trampoline and a bouncy castle. The building itself will be a shack with a sign made by 5th graders that says “St. Luke’s The School 2.0.” “Look, we’ve come to realize that we just don’t have enough room for the Juniors, we need
an alternative space. What could be better than the Municipal parking lot that the kids are already familiar and comfortable with! As for the trampoline and bouncy castle... we understand how stressful Junior year is,” said Mr. Kress, the interior design coordinator of the new campus. During construction the Vista parking lot will be full of shirtless construction workers, and while we recommend that Junior and Senior girls make the trip, there will be no room for parking. To remedy this, both the boys and girls tennis teams have been cancelled to allow Juniors to park on the courts until completion of the new campus. Upon hearing this news, Max Macey returned to his boarding school in California.
April 2012
JUST FOR FUNZIES
Call Me Maybe
Top Ten Rejected School Mottos
SONG OF THE MONTH
10. Come In Here and Then Go Out There 9. Enter To Learn and Also Continue Learning Afterwards
by
Carly Rae Jepsen
8. Enter Here; Exit There
(Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an April Fools at the end of the music video!)
7. Enter to Learn Go Forth To Be Served 6. Soon Enter Please Do That Thanks
Horoscopes courtesy of my 6 year old brother
5. Awesome Learning Great Job 4. Learn Like A Champion Today
Aries (March 21- April 19): I want to sit a million miles away from you at dinner.
3. Enter to Learn, Go Forth to Unlearn
Taurus (21 April-21 May): No one loves you, especially not me.
2. Always Groom Yourself
Gemini (22 May-22 June): Why do you look so weird?
1. Enter to Lead, Go Forth to the CFL
Cancer (23 June-23 July) : You have strange eyebrows they are ugly. Leo (24 July-23 August): You will be hit you if you come within reach of my fists. Virgo (24 August-23 September): My foot is bigger than your will to live.
Top of the Hilltop
Libra (24 September-23 October) : Stop doing that, you look pathetic. Scorpio (24 October-22 November): I will never believe you when you say you have friends. Sagittarius (23 November-22 December): When I grow up I want to be the opposite of you.
Website: www.digitalsentinel.org
Capricorn (23 December-19 January): You have been warned, you creep.
Band: Wonder Bear
Aquarius (20 January-19 February):You are fat and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m going to tell everyone.
Video Game: Draw
Pisces (20 February-20 March): I hope this is goodbye for always.
Draw Your Favorite Teacher!
7
TV Show: Summer Heights High Movie: The Room Sport: Puking College: South Harmon Institute for Technology Illness: Being Born Person: You!
Did You Know?
You just lost the game ;)
8
THE LAST PAGE AWESOME JOKES
FUNNY PIX
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”
DOODLE PAPER Here are some shapes to get you started....
April Walsh 2012