What students need … is not to be overparented

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IS NOT TO BE OVERPARENTED

Nikki Townsend Dean of Students

It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings. Ann Landers There are new kinds of parents that have appeared at school over the past few decades of my teaching career, from the anxiously involved helicopter parent to the lawnmower parent, forever, and, sometimes aggressively, creating an obstacle-free path for their child. These differing parenting styles have one thing in common; they signal overparenting. The Oxford Dictionary (2021) defines overparenting as ‘where parents micromanage their children’s lives, giving them little autonomy, putting too much pressure on them to achieve academic and personal success, while allowing few chances for their children to experience failure and frustration’. Overparenting most often comes from a sincere desire for the parent to provide the very best for their child, but this approach can negatively impact the child as they move into adulthood.

Negative effects on the child who is overparented

Being involved in your child’s life is vital in helping them to feel loved, safe and supported. This sort of parenting promotes healthy relationships and self-esteem, which increases the chance of your child growing into a successful adult. However, being too involved and suffocating can have a detrimental effect on the child. Parents who overparent are sending a message to their child that they are not capable of dealing with situations on their own and that their world, school and people are unsafe, and they need to be protected. Research has indicated that parents who are overly involved in their child’s life can foster anxiety. Psychologist Rebecca Wheeler states that, ‘a study conducted by Sydney’s Macquarie University in 2012 found that children at the age of four who exhibited signs of anxiety had either a mother who was overly involved or was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. By age nine, these children were more likely to have a been diagnosed with clinical anxiety’. These children are learning behaviours from their parents; as the saying goes, ‘the apple does not fall far from the tree’. Clinical psychologist Judith Locke (2020) goes further, explaining that parents are raising a generation of therapised children, rushing them off to specialists at the slightest sign of a difficulty rather than teaching them how to cope. School and university colleagues are reporting these students are profoundly attached to their parents and scared of academic failure. They also challenge rules and have their parents contact their professors and teachers to question their results or behavioural consequences What is going to happen to these students when they enter the work force? How are they going to function in a team? Some would say these young adults are entitled and show little resilience or few problem-solving skills as they have been cloaked in bubble wrap. Yet another problem is how will they learn to cope with disappointment and failure if their parents have protected them from this their whole lives? Locke (2020) suggests, ‘a child who has been given the perfect childhood can’t cope with the less than perfect but completely normal realities of adult life’.

Signs of overparenting

It is important for parents to be able to identify if they are overparenting. The following are examples of parental behaviours schools are recognising as being too overprotective. These are the parents who fly back to school when their child forgets their sports bag, do their homework and assignments for them, and contact other parents for the homework when their child does not bring it home. These parents believe their child is always right. They will confront teachers if the child feels they have been unfairly treated or will confront other parents if their child is not invited to a party. The ‘overparenter’ has also been known to not allow teachers to talk to their student without them being present. They also overly praise their child for doing the bare minimum, complain if their child does not get a participation trophy for simply running a race and so on. Another way to identify if a child is being overparented is by the amount of extra-curricular activities they do each week. These students’ waking hours are packed with language, art, sport lessons etc. including the everimportant play dates. These overparented children don’t get to experience freedom to just be children, nor do they experience opportunities to establish their own boundaries and, most importantly, learn to handle disappointment.

Strategies to assist in overcoming the urge to overparent

The following are some suggestions on how parents can help develop strong, resilient, independent children. The best way to support children to become effective self-advocates is to have them continually practise this skill from a young age. This will ensure they grow up being comfortable with their own individual style of speaking up for themselves. Parents are encouraged to find moments where their children can practise speaking up for themselves. For example, the next

time a child wants a special privilege, such as more screen time or going out to party, parents can ask to be provided with three good reasons why they should be allowed. The result here isn’t serious, so there’s no need for the parent to change whatever decision they had in mind. The vital part here is that the child can practise speaking up for themselves and feel they have been heard. This process should encourage the child by letting them know and understand they are their own best advocate.

Parents then need to provide honest feedback about how their child is trying to persuade others, including what works and what doesn’t (for example tone and body language). This is the first step in helping them consciously develop essential negotiating skills. Role-playing is also an important, impactful strategy to try and help young people practise scenarios, especially when they are facing a challenging situation. It also allows parents to find new ways to support their children without overparenting. Rather than the parent stepping in to fix the next problem, allow the student to role play the scene before trying the real-life version on their own. Even if it doesn’t work out perfectly, the time spent acting out the situation is a good way to prepare them for the next tricky circumstance. There is also a common misconception that competitiveness is fundamentally bad for children. But a healthy competitive attitude is as important for children as it is for adults – encouraging us to try harder, take more risks, and even be more imaginative. Encouraging children’s participation in sports is an accessible way for parents to nurture a child’s healthy competitive spirit, while also developing their resilience and ability to work in a team. Any sort of co-curricular activity where students need to trial to gain a position on the team or participate in the activity should be welcomed. Parenting is not easy; there are no perfect parents, and everyone will make mistakes. But parents do need to recognise and be aware of the pitfalls of overparenting and have a tool kit to assist children cope with life. As adults we know all too well that life is full of ups and downs and it is our duty as adults to help students rehearse life when they are children. Children who are reared in extremely controlled environments by their parents who over-emphasis their child's happiness and give them an expectation they will excel at life will face obstacles. This sort of parental behaviour can develop a student who may suffer from anxiety, perfectionism and have limited emotional intelligence, which they will then carry into their adult life. This in turn will make it very difficult for these children to operate in an adult setting. Our main job as a parent is to raise confident, capable and compassionate adults allowing them the opportunity to experience failure and disappointment.

References

Locke, JY 2020, The Bonsai Student – Why modern parenting limits children’s potential and practical strategies to turn it around, Sunset Publishing Service Pty Ltd, Australia. Anonymous 2020, Over-parenting teaches children to be entitled – let them fail and learn to be resilient instead, viewed 28 May 2021, https://www. aussieipnsider.com.au/over-parenting-teaches-children-to-be-entitledlet-them-fail-and-learn/ Oxford Dictionary 2021, Oxford Languages, viewed 20 May 2021, oup.com. Wheeler, R 2018, Effects Of Overparenting Are We Raising Anxious Children, viewed 25 May 2021, https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/ effectof-overparenting-are-we-raising-anxious-children.

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