Feeling Lonely

It’s hard to imagine how anyone could be lonely with over 7.75 billion people in this world. Yet 1 in 20 adults over the age of 16 in the UK report feeling lonely often and always. Many of us may experience temporary loneliness because of a loved one passing away, the end of an important relationship or marriage, or even being new to an education setting, job, or community. In these situations, it may feel hard to bear, but they are usually short in duration, and we recover pretty quickly. However, the impact of long-term loneliness can have huge impact on mental and physical wellbeing, not just individually but societally too. Loneliness is a catch 22. It makes it harder to connect, makes us anxious about social situations making it harder to alleviate negative thoughts and feel joy. The levels of loneliness have risen quickly because of the pandemic, and many struggle to reconnect with society and loved ones as a result of their increased loneliness, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” – Mother Teresa

As human beings, meaningful human connection to others is part of our genetic makeup. It’s more than just a want, it’s as basic need, and if Maslow is to be believed, the third most important thing for us to function happily and healthily, is love and belonging. Being involved in meaningful relationships and community is so important to us that it physically hurts us when we are lonely. It has the same neural correlates as physical pain. Being disconnected from society, isolated from community, and detached from close interpersonal relationships genuinely hurts us. So, what can we do to help ourselves and others who might be feeling lonely, and how do we appreciate the difference between being alone and feeling lonely? Whilst we are social creatures, we also require some respite from social interaction to allow for energy levels to be replenished, but also for self-discovery.

When you notice feelings of loneliness creeping in, here are a few things you can do to help you manage it and stop it from becoming chronic.

Avoid the sound of silence.

Emptiness within a space can enhance the feelings of loneliness. So, turn the radio on, put on your favourite mood bosting music. Open a window and listen to the passers-by or the birds. Put on your favourite show, even if you’re not really watching it. Filling your surroundings with sound makes loneliness feel less overwhelming. Music can enhance your mood, whilst a podcast or audio book provides escape and distraction.

Whilst interactions may look different these days, it’s all about the quality, not the quantity. We’ve all heard the Robin Williams quote “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, so make the most of those fulfilling and nourishing interactions. It might be over the telephone as opposed to in person, or a fleeting moment in the supermarket, but never underestimate the power of a meaningful interaction for you or another, no matter how brief. Share your emotions, ask questions, and really listen to the answers. Healing happens when we are heard.

Quality interactions over quantity.

The great outdoors.

Getting outside has been proven to ease emotional distress and help us feel connected to something bigger than ourselves, subconsciously providing a feeling of belonging. Time outside of your usual four walls regardless of the environment is always good for stimulating the senses and creating a distraction from feelings of loneliness. Take a turn around your local neighbourhood, greeting those you meet along your way. A simple smile or good afternoon can lift both you and others. Visit a local park or wildlife spot, perhaps travel further if you can to somewhere new. Loneliness affects not just your sleep but your daytime functioning too. Fresh air and physical activity can help to address some of the impacts of loneliness. Get inspired by our Winter Walks article on page 41.

Express yourself.

Talking about your feelings can help make it easier to get emotional support at the point of need, whilst it can feel risky, being honest about how you’re feeling with someone you trust drives connection and a sense of belonging, reducing the feelings of loneliness. If left unchecked, unspoken emotions can build and intensify if they go unacknowledged. Sharing your feelings with a loved one encourages them to reciprocate. Reducing the stigma of talking about emotions, but also enables discussion around coping strategies. Saying them out loud, even to yourself can reduce their power to cause suffering. If sharing them with another feels too much, try writing them down first.

It’s still a way of physically releasing your emotions.

Draw out your creative side If spoken words are not your forte, artistic expression be it art, music or writing can help with feelings of loneliness and isolation. Being creative helps you to express emotions without the need for words, which can have a positive effect if you’re not too keen on sharing with another just yet. There is also a deep sense of fulfilment and satisfaction that can be gained from being creative and making something. A direct challenge to the feeling of sadness and loneliness. Whilst being creative isn’t a cure all, it certainly offers the opportunity to harness your feelings and repurpose them in a more helpful way.

Creature comforts

Helpful hobbies

Consider taking on a pet. Whilst this isn’t suitable for everyone, perhaps you could spend time with friends or relatives with pets, maybe even borrow them. It’s well known that pet ownership has a positive impact on physical and mental wellbeing, so if you have the time and space in your life for a pet it might be worth a thought. Pets can also help get you out and about and meet people too. Whilst they cannot talk (unless you have a vocal bird), pets provide company and companionship – not to mention some often hilarious antics providing much needed stress relief. In providing care for another being we often provide better care for ourselves too. Never underestimate the power of purpose. The word pet often evokes thoughts of cats and dogs, but many find just as much joy in other creatures, great or small. Be sure to do your research, and perhaps consider a rescue.

Do something you love. Feeling lonely can make it difficult to think about anything else, including things you usually enjoy. So, whatever your thing is, don’t forget it. Dedicate time to it, remove other distractions and just do that one thing. Be it yoga, video games, baking, it doesn’t matter. What matters is the intention and deliberate focus on that activity. Relaxing activities and hobbies form part of our self-care when done mindfully and with full presence. Self-care is important for our wellbeing, take time for you and your hobby, maybe even take up a new hobby. Still feeling unsure – When loneliness descends there’s lots we can do to alleviate those feelings. However, that’s not always easy. If your loneliness isn’t improving, and you’re feeling low more often than not, it might be helpful to talk to a qualified therapist. With the help of a therapist, you can explore in depth, at your own pace what might be going on, in complete confidence and without fear of judgement. You’ll find your own prevention strategies and discover ways of coping and managing distress at your own pace

Article written by: Jenny Ellis – Psychotherapist. Dip. Couns. MBACP