Vol. 109 Issue 8

VOL. 109 ISSUE 8 • JAN. 28 - FEB. 10, 2019

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THIS ISSUE ARE SATIRICAL, MEANING THEY ARE FABRICATED AND PUTELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.

E-MAIL| stoutonia@uwstout.edu PHONE|715.232.2272 ADS|stoutoniaads@uwstout.edu URL| stoutonia.com

VOL. 109 ISSUE 8 JAN. 8 - FEB. 10, 2019 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF PRODUCTION MANAGER

CONTENTS CAMPUS 4 POLL RESULTS: IS BLAZE THE CHILD OF BOB? 5 THE TRUTH: CHOCOLATE MILK

Logan Myhre

myhrel5331@uwstout.edu

CHIEF COPY EDITOR

5 CAMPUS CONSTRUCTION NEVER ENDING

Makenna Wynveen

wynveenm4343@my.uwstout.edu

DIGITAL IMAGING EDITOR

NEWS 6 PARTY THROWN DURING GOV. SHUTDOWN 7 COLLEGE STUDENTS AFTER HOLIDAY GUIDE

Matt ‘Mao’ Adam

ENTERTAINMENT

adamm0498@my.uwstout.edu

MULTIMEDIA EDITOR

8 STAR WARS REMAKE LAST JEDI

Jackson Rudquist

rudquistj0077@my.uwstout.edu

AD MANAGER

9 HIPSTER INCREASE AFTER NEW BREWERIES 10 NO HANGOVERS AFTER REHAB OPENS DRY

SPORTS

Eric Krause

krausee6185@my.uwstout.edu

11 LIKE FATHER LIKE SQUIRREL

NEWS EDITOR

12 PATRIOTS FANS EMERGE FOR SUPERBOWL

Zac West

westz4822@my.uwstout.edu

12 SHREDDED TIPS FROM CHANCELLOR BOB

MARKETING MANAGER

13 STUDENT ATHLETE SPOTLIGHT: BLAZE

Elizabeth Vierkant

SATIRE

SPORTS EDITOR

14 THE SOAPS (SCOPES)

vierkante9023@my.uwstout.edu

14 I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE

Mariya Swanson

swansonm9899@my.uwstout.edu

CHECK OUT OUR SOCIAL MEDIA

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Evan Thue

thuee9306@my.uwstout.edu

CAMPUS EDITOR

@Stoutonia

@Stoutoniaonline

Stoutonia

Stoutonia.com

Bryce Parr

parrb4971@my.uwstout.edu

Katie Schulzetenberg

schulzetenbergk9509@my.uwstout.edu RILEY DUNHAM Cover Designer

RILEY DUNHAM Illustrator

MAKENNA WYNVEEN Layout Designer

ISABEL ROBERTS Layout Designer

MONICA SCHMIT Layout Designer

KATE EDENBORG Adviser edenborgk@uwstout.edu

ONLINE/CONTRIBUTED

STOUT IN PICTURES

WOW! Menomonie looks a lot different from high up.

COVER BY RILEY DUNHAM

CUTIE OF THE WEEK ELLEN RIPLEY/CONTRIBUTED This week’s cutie of the week is Xenomorph from student Ellen Ripley. Ripley said she first came into contact with this cutie when she was out in the cold reaches of space on a return trip to Earth.

Xenomorph enjoys long walks on the beach, spitting acid, wrestling with mech suits, and eating the crew of the Nostromo.

Have a cute pet? Send us a photo to our email: stoutonia@uwstout.edu The Stoutonia is written, edited, designed and produced by students of the University of Wisconsin-Stout, and they are solely responsible for its editorial policy and content. The Stoutonia is printed bi-weekly during the academic year except for vacations and holidays by Leader Printing, a division of Eau Claire Press Co., Eau Claire, WI 54701. Advertising for publication must be submitted to the Stoutonia office 109 Memorial Student Center, by 5 p.m. on Mondays before the run date. Each student is entitled to one free copy of the Stoutonia. The Stoutonia is an equal opportunity employer. The Stoutonia reserves the right to refuse any advertisement at its discretion. Justification does not have to be given if an advertisement is refused. Advertising considered to be fraudulent, misleading, offensive, or detrimental to the public, the newspaper or its advertisers may be refused. © Copyright 2016 Stoutonia. Written permission is required to reprint any portion of the Stoutonia’s content. All correspondence should be addressed to: Stoutonia, Room 109 Memorial Student Center UW-Stout, Menomonie, WI 54751.

CAMPUS IS BLAZE THE SECRET CHILD OF CHANCELLOR BOB? “I heard that Chancellor Bob doesn’t really like talking about this and he would really appreciate it if you stop asking him about it.

Thank you next.”

-UW-Stout Student “Bobby Flay?”

-UW-Stout Student

3.2%

“Anyone have the homework for Bio Chemistry?”

-UW-Stout Student

96.8%

“The similarities are un-canny.”

-Uw-Stout Student “That chin, that damn chin....”

-Uw-Stout Student

Blaze is an orphan I will neither confirm nor deny There’s no denying the similarities

The survey lasted for two weeks and was conducted online. It was primarily advertised on Campus Life Today and social media.

The results are a product of 310 responses.

Stoutonia’s bi-weekly student poll; Read the prompt, then head over to one of our social media sites to vote and give your opinions.

NEXT POLL, THIS ONE’S REAL! What was your reason for watching the superbowl this year?

Everyone has their reasons for watching the superbowl whether it be for the advertisements or to see their team win. What is yours this year?

MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD! VOTE ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND BE SURE TO SHARE.

FIND THE LATEST POLL ON OUR SOCIAL MEDIA

Stoutonia

@Stoutoniaonline

@Stoutonia

CAMPUS • 5

THE TRUTH: CHOCOLATE MILK

BY AUDREY TCHAA

RILEY DURHAM/ STOUTONIA

Milk. There are different types of milk.

Dairy, almond, soy, cashew, strawberry, and everyone’s favorite: chocolate. Chuck Kowlick, a food science professor at University of Wisconsin-Stout recently discovered chocolate milk does, in fact, come from brown spotted cows. Kowlick goes into depth of how he made this discovery during his 15year research process.

Kowlick has been a professor at Stout for 10 years now, and has worked and researched within food science for as long as he can remember. “I’ve taught at Stout for about 10 years now and taught the subject for as long as I can remember. I’ve also taught at different, bigger universities around the Midwest too,” said Kowlick. Some of the other universities he’s taught at are University of Minnesota-Twin Cities, Purdue University, and Northwestern University.

He made this phenomenal discovery when he was sipping on his strawberry milk, knowing that strawberry milk is made from, strawberries. He pondered on the thought of how other milk was made. “I started looking up on Google on how almond milk and other types of milk were made,” said Kowlick.

After his crazy research frenzy, he noticed that chocolate milk can and could be made by chocolate, but he wondered if black spotted cows can produce the dairy milk that we consume. He then asked himself if it is possible for brown spotted cows to produce the chocolate milk we consume.

“I remember telling my colleagues about it, and they all laughed at me and told me that I was living in some dream land. Little did they know, I was. I was living in a chocolate milk dream land,” said Kowlick.

For 15 years, Kowlick spent day and night on his research; looking for the answers that he was desperately searching for. There were times where he felt lost and defeated.

He almost quit his research and gave into what his colleagues were saying at one point.

Nonetheless, he found his answer when one of his students talked about the brown spotted cows in South America.

“I don’t quite remember the student’s name, but I owe them partial credit for my

discovery. I went to Brazil, and found that there was a small town called Ouro Preto filled with these brown spotted cows,” said Kowlick. “I remember it like it was yesterday; I met with the locals to get a better understanding of what they know of the cows.

It seemed that these cows only ate the cocoa pods that were around, ripe and unripe. It came to be true when I fed one of the baby calves,” concluded Kowlick.

Though his discovery became a phenomenon to everyone. Professor Kowlick plans on bringing his research to a bigger audience and has been offered many awards regarding his research and passion for food science and technology. ●

CAMPUS CONSTRUCTION PREDICTED TO NEVER EVER END

BY KATIE SCHULZETENBERG As many are aware of, a couple of the buildings here on campus have been under extensive construction for a while now. North Hall is being completely reconstructed and as a result, students have been moved to Tainter Hall which had to be updated before they moved in. The Commons is being renovated as well. Lastly, Bowman Hall has been getting a facelift for the school year. According to a recent survey, students are over it. Constructing workers have confirmed that the estimated time for finishing the construction is never. “Yeah we are really going to put our backs into it to never get this done,” said Ron. “We just got to take it one brick at time, which means one brick a day, now stop both-

ering me I have to watch this paint dry,” said Supervisor Edward Jones.

“I definitely saw a few of them playing hide and seek North Hall when I walked past,” said student Roger Rabbit. “When I asked them about it, they told me to mind my own business,” said Rabbit. “They also started a rumor that there is ghost infestation in North Hall,” said Sam Smith. “We all know they only said that because they don’t want anyone sniffing around their site,” Smith continued.

Some other unproductive behavior by the construction workers that was witnessed by students and staff is seeing workers leaving early to hit up the bars and taking up multi-

ple parking spots just for fun. It is apparent that construction workers have no intention of speeding the process up at all.

“We plan on never being done so my wife and I recently moved a little closer to campus so that my commute is a little closer,” said construction worker Austin Powers.

Since things don’t look like they are going to change anytime soon, students and staff are going to have to adjust the sights and sounds of construction. “We actually purposely make unnecessary loud noises when class is going on,” said construction worker John Tucker. Professors who are annoyed with the loud noises of construction are going to have to get used to it. ●

NEWS LOCAL TEENS FOUND THROWING PARTY IN WHITE HOUSE AMIDST GOVERNMENT SHUT-DOWN ELIZABETH VIERKANT

“NOT” DONALD TRUMP/ CONTRIBUTED VIA TWITTER

Total rager bro.

Several weeks into the government shutdown, the country is becoming restless. This includes the local Washington D.C. teenagers itching for a little something exciting to do.

On January 22nd, fourteen students from Fortew Entee High School were found by White House employee Amanda Brock.

These youths were discovered with multitudes of contraband such as bongs, “vapes,” beer, ping pong balls, marijuana, and other objects our editors were not comfortable including in a family paper.

“The air smelled so strongly of what I can only describe as skunk,” Brock said. “Why would these students have skunks? I don’t understand.”

According to Brock, she had been walking through the White House to pick up some papers when she had been met with this “skunk” specific odor. From there, she had heard mu-

Beer pong world champion in the making.

“BIGRON” ON TIKTOK/ CONTRIBUTED

BRAD’S INSTAGRAM/ CONTRIBUTED

These young folks asked to post this photo to instagram before being taken away by the police

sic and shouting in the distance.

“I thought it was coming from the president’s bedroom,” said Brock. “But it was much worse than I could have ever imagined.”

When Brock had arrived in the room where the so-called “party” was occuring, she was shocked to find that the floors were sticky, several tables were missing, and there were red solo cups all over the ground.

“The tables were just gone! How do you take tables?” Brock is very distressed from the whole experience. As of the publishing of this article, the tables have yet to be located.

After witnessing these occurrences, Brock was quick to call the police. Around twenty minutes following the discovery, law enforcement arrived at the scene. The students were questioned, and it was quickly discovered they had believed the White House to be empty.

Of the fourteen youths discovered, the name of only one has been released. This is eighteen-year-old, Brad Mason. According to Mason, he had permission from Donald Trump to throw a “total rager” in the house.

“Listen, man,” said Mason. “Me and the president, bro? We’re tight. He got me, you feel?” President Trump has yet to comment on this statement.

“How were we supposed to know that the White House wasn’t empty?” One anonymous student said. “Man, we thought that the government had been shut down.” According to this student, they were unaware that the White House is, in actuality, a house.

It is unknown how these students were able to enter the premises. Law enforcement are currently looking into the possibilities.

Needed security changes will be made. ●

THE COLLEGE STUDENT’S AFTER HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE JOSH NEHS RILEY DURHAM/ STOUTONIA

2. Rent Oh boy, February is just around the corner, which indicates that rent for offcampus students is due soon! This means another monthly payment towards cheap college housing, which is just what you were hoping for.

In fact, you might want to put even more of that money away for this one.

3. A Shopping Trip to Aldi With the remainder of your pitiful financial state, you can (probably) afford a trip to Aldi. There, you can stock up on your favorite off-brand cereals, chips and basic necessities, such as tissues! Make sure to get the bare essentials first because you might not get to those once the checks from work stop coming in.

That concludes the holiday shopping guide for a college student. Do not worry too much about the extra money floating in your bank account. Everything will be back to normal in no time. ●

AN ACTUAL CEREAL BOX/ CONTRIBUTED

Welcome back to the University of WisconsinStout, students! After a holiday season full of overbearing family, estranged friends from high school and working full-time, we here at the Stoutonia are sure you are looking to blow off a little steam.

After working over break and receiving money for the holidays, your next step is to decide what to spend that money on. Luckily for you, this article contains that exact knowledge!

Let’s look at the top three most commonly sought-after items for a college student whose wallet is a bit more stuffed than usual.

1. Car Repairs Everyone loves the holiday season, except for cars. The intense cold is bound to have ruined something in your vehicle. Whether you need new tires or brakes, the repair is not going to be cheap!

It’s likely you are absolutely brimming at the idea of sinking more money into your car, but try not to spend all of it. There’s still so much more to lose!

The cheap version of the worst cereal

ENTERTAINMENT LOCAL STAR WARS FAN VOWS TO REMAKE “STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI” ‘THE RIGHT WAY’ LOGAN MYHRE

LOGAN MYHRE/CONTRIBUTED

Wiley created this poster and plans to use it to advertise his remake of “Star Wars: The Last Jedi.”

“Star Wars: The Last Jedi” has been a contentious film since its December 2017 release. Some critics praised it for breaking the Star Wars mold, while others felt that it did not accurately represent the Star Wars they grew up loving.

University of Wisconsin-Stout sophomore Jared Wiley falls on the latter side of this debate. He said that “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” was “an abomination of everything I love about Star Wars.”

He cited the character arc of Luke Skywalker as one of the main concerns he had with the movie.

Wiley plans to recreate the entirety of “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” and replace the 2017 version with his. He believes that he is now capable of recreating “Star Wars:

The Last Jedi,” in a way that appeals to Star Wars fans both young and old.

When asked about his qualifications for recreating such a blockbuster film, Wiley said, “I just got done with taking Introduction to Still and Moving Image Photography here at Stout, and now I really feel like I have the skills to shoot a movie of this size. I’d say that my ability to create stunning cinematography is really next level.”

Wiley does not have a script for his recreation but says that the movie’s plot is “in his brain,” and he will direct all of the scenes using his “brain script.”

“This time I’m going to have Luke Skywalker blow up an entire AT-AT with the force. Then he’s going to have a crazy lightsaber battle with Kylo Ren,” said

Wiley when asked about the plot details of his remake.

Wiley claims that Mark Hamill has already agreed to star in his remake. Hamill was not available for comment. Wiley also believes that once he starts production on the movie, Disney will come on board.

“I’m not worried about getting sued. I think that Disney realizes that they made a huge mistake. I actually think that once they get word about what I’m doing, they’ll probably help fund this movie.”

Wiley believes that after this project he will go on to recreate other films that he despises such as “the entirety of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.” He added that his favorite movie is “Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice.”●

ENTERTAINMENT • 9

SCIENTISTS REPORT A SPIKE IN THE MENOMONIE HIPSTER POPULATION AFTER THE OPENING OF TWO CRAFT BREWERIES BRYCE PARR HIPSTER CONSERVATION SOCIETY/CONTRIBUTED

The population boom is directly tied to the number of breweries per square mile.

CHANCE O’FRESNE/CONTRIBUTED

A new generation of beanie-clad of this genus to move any direction other beer-drinkers have migrated to some of the than west,” said Thurr. The species can areas surrounding the Red Cedar River. often be heard discussing the subtleties in “They appear to be heavily concentrated microbrew flavors with other members of around Zymurgy Brewing Company, the species.

Brewery Nonic and Lucette Brewing “These visitors are harmless, but many Company. We have been studying this herd students may see them regularly attending since they arrived,” English and philossaid population ophy classes. It’s scientist Flatter “Natural beanie-and- important to keep Thurr. startling them scarf insulation allows from Scientists report and observe from a that the herd is well respectful distance,” them to withstand acclimated to living Chancellor Bob said colder climates.” in the area. Natural in his blog. beanie-and-scarf Some members of insulation allows them to withstand colder the community believe the hipsters pose climates. They also camouflage themselves a threat to the community and are calling against the University of Wisconsin-Stout on the Department of Natural Resources student population. to help manage the population. “They only “This species is not unlike what we’ve smoke pipe tobacco. I won’t be selling seen before, but we would like to capture as many cigarettes,” Kwik Trip manager and tag as many as we can identify for furVictor “Boss” Tweed said. ther studies. It’s very strange for members The DNR was not available for comment.●

Members of the visiting species exhibit a peculiar musical intelligence.

ENTERTAINMENT • 10

MENOMONIE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS ATTEND FIRST HOUR CLASSES WITHOUT HANGOVERS AFTER REHAB REOPENS DRY BRYCE PARR Teachers in the Menomonie Area School District report that students are agitated and excitable during morning classes after the closure of Rehab. “Classes used to be quiet and manageable. Students kept to themselves and didn’t cause any trouble.

Now everyone is hootin’ and hollerin’ at each other like a bunch of wetland frogs in heat,” said Chance O’Fresne, Menomonie High School’s biology teacher. “I’m not sure what they are on, but they definitely relapsed. It’s a shame. They were getting the help they needed at rehab,” O’Fresne said.

It’s clear the student body was rocked

by the closure of rehab last April. “It like really, really sucked,” said MHS senior Oliveya-Abigale Lee. “Like, we have to, like, drink in Bill’s mom’s garage now. It’s like, not cool,” Lee said. Lee was a junior at the time of Rehab’s closure.

“I’m happy to host. I’m just happy to see my son and his friends have fun,” Bill’s mom said.

Many students reminisce about being able to drink freely in the bar. “We all had fakes, you know? They didn’t really care as long as we were buying.

Now we have to sneak in with flasks of UV Blue. It’s nice we don’t get ID’ed

at the door,” said senior Ewan Sideyet Jr. “At least I can still Juul inside. Bill’s mom won’t let us blow clouds in her garage,” said Sideyet.

Students are still looking for a better drinking venue. Kahootz regular, Alfred Yeetson, said he doesn’t want them to ruin his bar. “There’s already too many freshmen with fakes. I don’t want to see more underagers ruining an upscale venue like Kahootz.” Local law enforcement has started sending undercover officers into bars to keep an eye out for the underage drinkers, wearing Levi bootcut jeans, black Adidas Yeezy sneakers and Fortnite t-shirts.● BOUNCER AT REHAB/CONTRIBUTED

A local high school student dancing at Rehab.

SPORTS LIKE FATHER, LIKE SQUIRREL EVAN (MONEY MAN) THUE the squirrel that stole my wallet.”

Star point guard and son of Nutty, Pea Nut Jr. had this to say: “I’m excited to play for my dad, I just hate when he yells at me for missing a free throw. I have to remind him that I’m not as good as him and that I’m two feet tall.”

Pea Nut Jr. has been playing very well for Stout even before his dad decided to coach. Of course, nobody could forget the time he stole a student’s popcorn and preceded to hit the game winning lay-up.

Nut Jr. might have a hard time jumping over opponents because of his height because he’s an actual squirrel, but nobody will ever forget his beautiful performance of the national anthem which fired up all 18 fans that were in attendance.

Now with the combination of Nutty and Pea Nut, this year seems like Stout won’t be able to lose - there’s no doubt about it. I promised myself and my editor I would’nt say it, but screw it it’s down right nuts!●

ONLINE/CONTRIBUTED

Excitement around campus has been undeniable because of a rumor that has been flying around. It is speculated that Nutty the Squirrel, famous NBA Hall of Fame basketball player, nut enthusiast, and University of Wisconsin-Stout alumnus, will be returning to campus to coach the University of Wisconsin-Stout men’s basketball team.

When asked about his excitement to return to Stout, Nutty said, [inextricable squirrel noises]. Nutty would then go on to eat the bag of peanuts I had hidden in my bag.

Nutty seemed quite excited by being back on the UW-Stout campus, but you could sense some nervousness in being back as well.

Not only is Nutty excited to be back, but many students are excited for his return as well. Senior Randy Savage said, “Ya brother, this squirrel is going to bring the championships back to Menomonie.”

Junior Bob Builder said, “I think that was

Pea Nut Jr. Dunking during the halftime show with special guest artist Lil John screams YEAAHH.

ONLINE/CONTRIBUTED

Pea Nut Jr sneaking on the opposing coaches back without him knowing.

SPORTS • 12

SPORTS • 12

PATRIOTS FANS EMERGE FROM NOWHERE AFTER ANOTHER TRIP TO THE SUPER BOWL ALEX LUTZ JIMMY’S VAULT/CONTRIBUTED

Patriots fans have been emerging seemingly from underground after their “shocking victory” .

In a surprise turn of events, the Patriots are in the Super Bowl yet again. We were all very shocked and surprised to see them advance to the Super Bowl in overtime against the Chiefs. Yes, the team that always seems to find themselves in the Super Bowl has once again, ended up there. The team they will be playing are the shockingly good, Los Angeles Rams. This team hasn’t been in the

Super Bowl since 2001. The odds may be in their favor, but the NFL always has a way of doing things to build the legacy of Tom Brady and the Patriots.

It really is a wonder who will win in this heavyweight match up. Most of the American football fans are throwing their support behind the Rams because they are sick of seeing Tom Brady win Super Bowls, with good reason. With everyone rooting against them, there is no doubt that the Patriots will come with their best game plan and many Patriots fans will come out of the woodworks in the upcoming weeks. So if you see people crawling out of the woods, that is probably just a herd of bandwagon fans waiting to jump on the Patriot wagon.

It’s best to not approach them, just watch from afar. They haven’t been known to be an aggressive breed until a game is

on the line and they suddenly care for the team. If one of them approaches you, tread lightly. They may be easily upset if you start talking about the pending big game and have an opposing view. Smile and nod until they walk away and then you can breathe your sigh of relief because you survived the interaction unscathed.

All of us will be VERY surprised if the Patriots end up pulling off the win on Feb. 3, 2019. Be cautious of those bandwagon fans on Feb. 4 because they will be out in full force if their team wins. But if they lose, it’s best to avoid them altogether. Give them a few days to adjust to the feeling of triumph or failure before you remind them that they didn’t even like that team before they made it to the Super Bowl. If one of these fans hurts you, we apologize, but we told you not to approach them, so who’s fault is it really?●

HOW I GOT ABSOLUTELY SHREDDED IN 48 HOURS: WORK OUT TIPS FROM CHANCELLOR BOB MEYER EVAN (5 TIME HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK CHAMP) THUE ONLINE/CONTRIBUTED

Well I usually start the day after pounding 8 red bulls and body slamming a refrigerator. I then head over to the gym where I run on the treadmill for 2 hours straight… with no breaks while staring at a picture of Freddie Prince Jr. It motivates me.

Then after that, I eat a bag of uncooked Ramen noodles and cup of ice during my board meetings.

After that, it’s back to working out in which I do 650 crunches and do an hour and a half plank whilst balancing a bale of hay on my back.

I then like to focus on my inner peace and meditation. I call it Bob’s inner beauty time. I meditate whilst petting my puppy George Lopez.

After mediation it’s back to Shredsville for me, 100 push-ups, then 100 sit ups, then 100 more push-ups, then I eat my dinner which consists of 5 pieces of chicken, 2 pizzas and a whole French silk pie.

“Try Bob’s Work Out Routine! It really works” -Chancellor Bob Meyer.

I end my night by doing a song and dance rendition of my favorite song Y.M.C.A by Village People. After three dances, that does it, and I’m asleep by 5:30 pm.

Method of getting Absolutely Shredded has not been approved by a medical professional, proceed at your own risk.●

SPORTS SPORTS••13 13

STUDENT-ATHLETE SPOTLIGHT: BLAZE (BOBBY) BLUE DEVIL BY: EVAN (TACO STAND) THUE

This issue’s mascot spotlight is Blaze (Bobby) Blue Devil, a captain on the University of Wisconsin-Stout water aerobics team. Blaze is an early childhood education major and is from the land down under, not Australia though.● ONLINE/CONTRIBUTED

This is a photo I caught of Blaze right before he started to chase me, I don’t recommended taking a photo of him without him knowing.

Who is your favorite proathlete and why?

Hands down it’s Guy Fieri. That dude makes a mean chicken pot pie.

Outside of school and athletics, what are some other things you like to do?

Well, when I’m not out chasing people outside or in class, I love reading romantic novels. I love walking my two dogs, George Clooney and Buddy, and collect soda cans out of the trash ‘cause recycling.

What is your plan after college?

I don’t really know yet; maybe I’ll stick around here and hide in the bushes. Maybe I’ll go teach basketball at the YMCA. Maybe I’ll wake up in Europe, forget my whole identity, and realize that I’m an assassin. The possibilities are endless.

Why did you choose to be a mascot at Stout?

Same reasons as most people, free laptops, textbook rental, all the squirrels you can eat, the normal stuff, plus my dad is the Chancellor.

What are a few interesting facts about yourself?

I hold the world record for most eggs thrown at Harvey Hall. I’m nationally ranked in Guitar Hero with my beautiful rendition of Sweet Child O’ Mine. I’ve seen the Red Hot Chili Peppers live 14 times and I don’t plan on stopping. I’m thinking about taking over the world, but I’m not sure on that one yet.

SATIRE THE SOAPS (SCOPES) CAM “ROLLER COASTER TYCOON 2” PARRUCCI

Dish Soap (April 20 - May 20) You will be doomed to a future of arguing with your roommates about doing dishes.

They will remain unfinished a week after each argument.

WEBSITE EXCLUSIVES

Bar of Soap (September 23 - October 22) – You will find success and passion by moving to Portland and starting up a small soapmaking business. Try hot peppers and aloe in the next batch!

ONLINE/CONTRIBUTED

Hand Soap (March 21 - April 19) The stars agree: It’s cold and flu season, don’t forget to use hand soap to keep those germs away!

Small Hotel Soap (October 23 - November 21) Karmic justice will quickly catch up with you after years of stealing small hotel soaps from everywhere you’ve stayed.

2 in 1 Soap (November 22 - December 21) Seriously, in 2019, who uses 2 in 1 soap?

Shampoo (June 21 - July 22) Remember, the sweeter a shampoo smells, the tastier it will be when you eat it!

3 in 1 Soap (December 22 - January 19) SERIOUSLY, IN 2019, WHY WOULD YOU EVER USE A 3 IN 1 SOAP?

Conditioner (July 23 - August 22) The stars have spoken, you will become famous for having the softest, smoothest hair in the country. Don’t take your fame for granted.

Laundry Soap (January 20 - February 19) You will hold a small eulogy for all of the widowed, singular socks who’ve lost their pair thanks to your laundry negligence.

Face Wash (August 23 - September 22) Don't reveal your secrets. Whenever asked about your skincare routine, just say: "Drink water :)"

Pet Soap (February 20 - March 20) Stop worrying so much about things! Pet a smelly dog! They need love, too! You need the dopamine even more!

Professor Already More Over This Semester Than Students ONLINE/CONTRIBUTED

Body Wash (May 21 - June 20) A clean and fresh smelling future is in the cards for you, just remember to wear deodorant!

Frozen Hair from Walking to Class Somehow Turns into Great Hair Day

I Don’t Even Know Anymore CAMERON PARRUCCI ONLINE/CONTRIBUTED

At this point, what even is there to say? The world is on fire! Have you watched the news lately? Or rather, with our reader base of college students, have you checked Twitter lately? All the time there is stuff going on,

political debates, weird memes, the world is falling apart around us! Have you seen what’s happening outside of our country? Oof. Why are you even reading this article? This is a satire issue! This whole magazine is filled

with great jokes written by great writers. And you chose this one! Is this article even a joke?

I’m not sure. Otherwise it’s under so many layers of irony that the joke is lost in translation.

And at that point, is a joke even present? I don’t know, I’m just the dude that writes this stuff.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. Should we even be making jokes about these horrors of the modern world? People are still using straws and plastic bottles! Like, get a resuable one already!

Plus, we have to worry about the end of the world. If it’s not Yellowstone erupting, nuclear annihilation, or depletion of our resources, we have the heat death of the universe to worry about! I mean, sure, we can make the jokes about it. We do. But people are dying for crying out loud!

Anyways, thanks for tuning into to this hard-hitting satirical article that was absolutely a good use of your time. We’ll return to your regularly scheduled satire next issue.●

CALENDAR • 15

CALENDAR STOUT COMICS JAN. 28 - FEB. 10, 2018

BY RILEY DUNHAM

Wed. Jan 30 Nickelback Concert In the Basement of your old roomate Jeremy’s house 6 - 9 p.m.

Thurs. Jan 31 Juul Club Meeting In the Bowman Bell Tower 8 p.m.

Fri. Feb 1 Watch Freshman struggle to find their classes Anywhere on campus 8 a.m. - 8 p.m.

Sat. Feb 2 Jeremy’s birthday party His dorm room 9 p.m. - 12 a.m.

Sun. Feb. 3 Hungover Brunch Merle Price Commons 11 a.m. - 1 p.m.

SUDOKU

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