ISSUE 02 | ST. AUGUSTINE, FL
our
FALL Kathryn Hennessy
PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR
Cooper Gore
PRODUCTION DIRECTOR PHOTOGRAPHERS
Caitlin Gurley, Brooke Rhonemus, Daisy Pflaum, Gracie Gianoukos
PRODUCTION ASSISTANTS
Paula Soto, Corbin Barber Diego Gonzalez ART DIRECTOR
GRAPHIC DESIGNERS
Michaela Rataiczak, Emma Bishop, Tom Lichtman, Josi Riggert Lauren Cich
COPY EDITOR
Marissa DeMaio
Mitchell Linville
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Grace Garlesky
CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Justina Benetis
EXTERNAL DIRECTOR
Gracie Gianoukos
FASHION DIRECTOR FASHION STYLISTS
Abby Martos, Katy Oakley, Genevieve Lococo, Allyson Woods, Anna Jones, Lindsey Murray MAKEUP + HAIR STYLISTS
Keeli Scarlett, Benjamin Holland, Shauna Gentile, Sarah Hansen Grace Andress
PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR
Joseph Coyle
MARKETING DIRECTOR
Abby Kreinheder
OUTREACH DIRECTOR
Elizabeth Shirley
CASTINGS DIRECTOR
BLOG DIRECTOR
PUBLIC RELATIONS ASSISTANT WRITERS
Allison Kindley, Kendall Broglio, Macie Hebert, Kailey Tucker, Madison Sloan
Lavinia Lenssen
MARKETING ASSISTANT
Amanda Freed
2021 staff
welcome to
INTUITION
The natural ability or power that makes it possible to know something without any proof or evidence: a feeling that guides a person instinctively to act a certain way without fully understanding why. The word intuition comes from the Latin verb intueri translated as “consider” or from the word intuit, “to contemplate”.
TABLE of CONTENTS VISIONARY8-17
THE SYNAPSE18-25
APPREHENSPHERE26-33
34-43VALUE
& VOLATILITY
44-49WONDER-LAND
50-57CULMINATION
the
EDITOR’S LETTER
It’s with an insane amount of gratitude, sentiment, and disbelief that I write my last editor’s letter for Strike Magazine. This time last year, I was figuring out how to even start a magazine let alone run it, yet here I am now with two beautiful magazines published under my direction. Before I go on, Strike Magazine is built upon creating collaborative communities, and this team is no exception. Starting this magazine has introduced me and allowed me to work with such empowering individuals that I would have never met. To my amazing team, I will never be able to express how grateful I am for each of you for having faith in my vision and bringing your all to this team. As I said this magazine is by no means mine - it was just an idea I had that was only made possible with your help. While I leave this position and another Editor-in-Chief takes over, all I ask is for you to handle this magazine with the passion you’ve had over these two issues, and above all be striking. From the last time I sat here and wrote you all a letter, so much has changed. These last few months have been the most impactful of my life, and I have a feeling I will continue to say that as life progresses. One thing that has always been instilled within me is to follow my intuition, the feeling from within that guides each of us along this journey. Take the chance, the leap, fail, struggle, succeed, and always be passionate about your decisions. Following your intuition does not require immense risk or necessitate wild success, it requires you to trust. Life has a tendency to throw challenges at you that will get progressively more difficult, yet immensely more rewarding. Within these last few months, I feel as if I have lived years, and experienced so much more than I could’ve ever imagined. I was told that once you start thinking positively, your brain rewires to autonomously think as such, and you manifest positive outcomes. As a recovering pessimist, this advice was truly life-changing and this magazine, among other experiences, has allowed me to realize that life becomes so much more beautiful when you are both optimistic and realistic. Above everything else, believe in your ability, listen to your passions, and execute them with confidence. The idea for this theme struck me just like any other intuitive moment. I was in a museum over the summer and saw a piece of art that simply said “What do you want?”. That stuck with me. It caused some feeling from within and inspired me to create an issue based on a seemingly simple, yet daunting question. Four words, yet so many possible answers. Through this lifetime, each of us have the most unique experiences and will always be left with this question. After every decision we make it is there yet again, daunting us. So while this issue won’t answer how to perfectly harness your intuition, I have learned that the easiest way to answer ‘What Do You Want?’ is with Do What You Want. Following your intuition will never fail you, so believe in your decisions, even the hard ones as they often bear the most beneficial outcomes. So to the Editor-in-Chief that wrote a letter last year questioning his potential, I am here to reassure you that your potential has been more than realized, it has excelled, and will continue to perpetually do so. As always... Strike Out, Editor-in-Chief | Mitchell Linville
about
THE ISSUE
Intuition, it mulls within the back of your head, whether it be a whisper in your ear or a shock to your system. A form of knowledge that is based within the unknown. We consciously know of these thoughts, wonders, and ideas that arise throughout our life. Then, the impending moment causes a feeling like no other. Rising from within your core, throughout your body; a synaptic connection. You are then left with this feeling… Intuition. There is a choice to be made, whether to follow it or do everything within yourself to avoid it. This sensation is one that triggers your mind to rummage through unconscious memories, experiences, and thoughts to determine what the following action is. The internal guidance on what to do next, how to approach it, and then the debate of pursuit. The question isn’t whether or not you are experiencing Intuition, it is whether or not you listen. Do you trust the feeling, or do you, for whatever reason, defy your Intuition…
Photography: Kathryn Hennessy, Daisy Pflaum, Caitlin Gurley, Gracie Gianoukos. Production: Cooper Gore. Styling: Gracie Gianoukos, Abby Martos, Katy Oakley.Beauty: Keeli Scarlett, Shauna Gentile. Models: Lawrence Motzel, Chloe Dean
VISIONARY
With our future constantly at stake, we must continue to focus on what comes next. We all have a vision of what we hope our future will shape into. While it may be easy for some to grasp their future vision, there are still tedious gaps to fill. Decisions to be made, experiences to be had, and emotions to be felt. Time is a fleeting resource, not a physical one. Visionaries often entrap their minds within a trance of dreams of the future, only seeing through the clouds of what is next to find what is piercing through. It does not take some supernatural apparitions to be a visionary - we are made of past experiences, current desires, and future dreams. In order to achieve our desired future, we must play the game methodically and precisely. Allowing our knowledge, skill, and intuition to guide us along the path. While each level comes with new obstacles, we must not forget in order to get where we are presently, we overcame what we never envisioned we could.
WOMEN with a VISION By: Madison Sloan
v Although everyone has their own dreams and goals they hope to achieve, a true visionary is one who follows their intuition and uses their skills to overcome obstacles. These visionaries often inspire us to think beyond what we could ever imagine. If this past year has taught us anything, it’s that struggles often inspire triumphs. When looking throughout history, women have been faced with some of the biggest adversities. Despite living in a world where men are often seen as superior, women visionaries have been able to push past sexist stereotypes. Women in all fields, whether it be fashion, journalism, or even business, have paved the way for a future where all girls can dream of becoming trailblazers. Despite the industry being mainly feminized, fashion has a long history of being run by men due to women being forced to choose a family life over a career. However, for female fashion trailblazer Coco Chanel, defying the standard for women during her time was an easy choice to make. Growing up in an impoverished family, Chanel was no stranger to adversity, with her mother dying at a young age and her father abandoning Chanel along with her six siblings. After learning how to sew in the orphanage, Chanel realized her talent and set out to establish herself in the fashion world. From rags-to-riches, Chanel became one of the biggest names in the fashion industry, and to this day, we can still thank her for bringing us the little black dress. By turning her struggles into an empire, Chanel perfectly embodies what it means to be a female visionary. “A girl should be two things: who and what she wants,” states Chanel. Women visionaries were not only secluded to the realm of fashion as many dominated the business field, breaking down
sexist barriers and toppling patriarchal norms. For Barbara Proctor, being a female wasn’t the only obstacle she had to overcome. As an African American woman, Proctor entered into a career that, at the time, was only run by white males. “Back then, the only things black girls could aspire to be was a hairdresser, a teacher, or a nurse,” Proctor told the Chicago Tribune in 1981. After working for several advertising agencies over the years, Proctor decided to create her own firm, becoming the first African American woman to own her own advertising agency. “I worked for several advertising agencies and got fired twice before deciding to start my own. Having a lot of guts and no brains, I did exactly that,” said Proctor. Today, Barbara’s resilience to turn her visions into a reality continues to inspire women of all colors to defy gender norms and follow their intuition. When thinking about women visionaries who have inspired me to follow my intuition and not let any obstacles hold me back from accomplishing my goals, I immediately think of Annie Leibovitz, one of the most famous photographers who just so happened to be a female trailblazer. Many people could argue that the photography world has often been dominated by men. However, Leibovitz changed the game by becoming the first female lead photographer for the Rolling Stones. Since the 1970s, her iconic images have given people a hidden glimpse to the rock-and-roll world and photographed dozens of celebrities. Leibovitz continues to inspire girls all over with her new series of portraits highlighting women trailblazers in all fields. Women visionaries such as these have inspired a new generation of female trailblazers who refuse to be held down by gender stereotypes. As we look toward the future, it is clear to see that women will no longer be left in the shadows of the patriarchy, which leaves the question, what will women accomplish next?
WHATis a VISIONARY? By: Diego Gonzalez
Visionary (n.): 1: one having unusual foresight and imagination 2: one whose ideas or projects are impractical: see DREAMER You can feel it in your bones. You know this idea will land, no matter how “impractical” other people think it is. You’ve been called crazy, a dreamer, and unrealistic. But when it comes together – when everything that they told you would work falls into place, suddenly you’ll be a genius. Will this work? There will be obstacles, some small, some “impossibly” large. Things don’t always fall together as perfectly as you visualize. People around you can’t see the result that’s so clearly laid out in front of you, but to you it’s clear as day. Press on. Doubt will seep in, taking root and vining up into your mind, stressing you and clouding judgement. Trust the process. You’ve succeeded and failed in the past, and know how to learn from both. You’ve had hundreds of thousands of experiences leading you to this moment. Step back, take a deep breath, and dive in. Your worth isn’t defined by the success of your work; it’s defined by your ability to press on and continue to create things nobody could imagine but you. There are endless options, you see infinite possibilities in front of you. Each choice you make takes your vision into another future. Some are visible, others elude your sight like when the road in front of you dips down under a hill. Will you take a chance and drive down the road less traveled? Or will you travel the safe road to the more predictable outcome? The fact that you’re able to make these choices scares you, but also excite you. Once you realize that nobody but you can control the results, the feeling of freedom envelops you, filling your sails and pushing faster and faster towards the clear path. You realize that some of the obstacles you faced aren’t in the way, they are the way. Doubt starts to clear, lifting like a fog. People around you start seeing your point, or at least trust that you know where you’re going. At last, you’ve become the master navigator of your own plan. You’ve transformed uncertainty to visionary. Visionaries aren’t people who listen to the crowd. They aren’t conventional. They consider possibilities people are quick to write off, and explore them for weeks, months – years even, until finally the unreal is real. It doesn’t end here, though; seemingly before their idea even comes to fruition, they’re on to the next idea, chasing the next impossible dream.
chasing
FATE
By: Allison Kindley
With outstretched arms, I chase Fate through a mirror maze that reflects everything I wish I could destroy. If my fingers could stretch only an inch further, I could grab the seam of her iridescent gown and pull her close to me. I avoid my eyes in the mirror, yearning to possess Fate’s drunken promises so that I may leave the sharp-edged, broken parts of me somewhere within this maze. She is golden and ever-changing, putting more distance between us as the rainbows refracting from the mirrors’ edges call me name, reflecting a picturesque image where I am her. Fate glimmers in shades of magenta, cyan, sunflower-yellow; I grow desperate for another fleeting glimpse of her as she turns the corner, disappearing down another hall. Each mirror promises me a different version of myself as they lie to me in every shade of blue, sing me songs of hope in violet and silver, and curse my name in crimson. She is all there is, and all there is is her in a spectrum of so many shades I can’t imagine there could be names for them all. She knows where I will step before I step, the words I will say before they have entered my mind. Yet still I chase, listening to the steady drum of my heart as intuition lights a glistening path for my feet. I will find her, one day, and I will tell her all that I have endured, every step and fall and crack in the mirror it took to come face-to-face with a version of myself outside of broken glass that I can discover if I just turn this next corner. If I just take this next step. If I listen to the words of intuition. If I never stop dreaming, and never quit chasing that gossamer gown of Fate every day that is to come.
THE
SYNAPSE
We all are looking for connection, for passion, and the drive to do so. On this vast journey, we are faced with many moments that form realizations, which allow us to journey further. These realizations are ultimately caused by an awareness or mindfulness of a situation. This moment can often be referred to as a synaptic connection, known as the firing of action potential in our brain causing communication and actions to take place. This signal in our brain often leaves us with a heightened realization that a new event is impending. Better known as our “Aha moment”, when an event unfolds and we are left within the ruins of the current situation. The synaptic period varies in length based on severity, emotion, and logic as we come to terms with the occurrence. We have not yet decided how this event will affectour future actions, but instead we are stuck in shock. This synapse allows us to not only understand what lead to it, but it can often guide us into our following actions.
Photography: Kathryn Hennessy, Daisy Pflaum, Caitlin Gurley, Gracie Gianoukos. Production: Cooper Gore. Styling: Gracie Gianoukos, Abby Martos, Katy Oakley, Allyson Woods, Genevieve Lococo, Anna Jones. Beauty: Keeli Scarlett, Benjamin Holland, Shauna Gentile. Models: Cameron Buttrick, Michaela Markwell, Piper Leistman
CREATEDnor DESTROYED By: Allison Kindley
It is the moment of full awareness. The final image after all the pieces slide into place. The result of circumstances. The “ah-ha!” moment, one of shock and surprise. Within that quiet realization, the synapse occurs. In that moment, whether for better or worse, you realize nothing will ever be the same. I will never forget how it felt in that initial instant of synaptic connection. In one fleeting moment, my world was changed with four words and the weight they brought with them. “She didn’t make it.” The world stood still, everything frozen in time. Except for the synapse. The words nestled their way into my brain, where they will stay for the rest of my life. The moment of full awareness. The final image. I was a girl who lost her mom. There would be a hole in my chest now, a cavity that wouldn’t ever quite be filled. An empty seat on Christmas, at my graduation, on my birthday, at my wedding. She would become something remembered, not something to experience. I had spoken to her for the last time. She wouldn’t be coming home. We had already shared our final words without realizing it, and I would never see her again. A million thoughts settled into my brain over the span of just a few milliseconds. The synapse was violent. The weight of it crushed me. It set my entire body alight for one moment, and in the next, it shut off all the lights. It lit my soul on fire, then plunged it into ice. Every moment and realization fell away until only one phrase repeated itself over and over again - I don’t have a mom anymore. It’s been three months now. There have been a thousand synapses since, but none so powerful as this initial click as the future I had envisioned for myself vanished, leaving me to face a terrifyingly new and unfamiliar path. It thrust me into a new role as “the girl with the dead mom.” The synapse isn’t something you can ignore. It is something you must learn to live with. You must follow the path it creates for you. I have found significance in the synapses that have followed. The words and stories people shared with me about who my mom was. The way she loved others. The way she loved me. The passion she had for doing good. Her passing was unexpected - a result of a botched surgical procedure. It shook our town with fierce velocity. At the moment of the initial synapse, I never would have been able to imagine the ripples this would make in our community. People often cried to me and shared their grief with me. They shared their hatred, their disbelief, their confusion, and their shock. I have lost track of the times I have heard the stereotypical question: “Why do bad things happen to good people?”
I have found my answers in the moments after each synapse. Bad things happen to good people because their stories and lives are the ones people care about. Their legacy becomes a tool for others to use. The people who love the most leave the most love behind. The people who are the kindest have the most ability to touch the hearts of others in astronomical ways. When someone who is good and kind and loving passes on, their love and kindness does not pass with them. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Their love transforms in other ways, through other individuals. When good people die, those who love them embody that good. In their moment of synaptic connection, they must realize their new responsibility. They must take on the soul of the one who has passed. They must embody the type of goodness they were and share the love and kindness they left behind with all they encounter. “I don’t understand how she could have touched this many people. She had a huge impact on so many individuals. Do you think she may have been an angel?” These were words spoken to me on the day of her viewing. Over three hundred people came to offer their condolences to a mother, a friend, a teacher, a coworker, a sister, a daughter, a warrior, and a lover. A soul whose greatest ambition was to make every individual who crossed her path conscious of the fact that they were loved, needed, and understood. That question sparked my second life-altering synapse. Like any young adult, I complained about my mom and fought with her over her actions and decisions that I couldn’t understand. We had far from a perfect relationship. I spent most of my freshman year of college angry at her, blocking her out, ignoring her texts, and sending her calls to voicemail. During my initial synapse, after I realized she was gone, I was overcome with regret and shame. During my second synapse, I realized the extent of her love, as well as the potential I had in this situation. This sort of synapse, one so consuming and soul-crushing, kills the former version of you. Not only does it set you on a new path, but it gives you a new chance - a new life. I couldn’t keep living the way I had been living. I couldn’t let anger, hatred, and judgment rule my life and control my actions. This synapse had made me aware of an opportunity: I had the ability to live the way she had lived. To place greater value on love, kindness, and compassion. To live in a way that would affect hundreds of lives even after I was gone. To live in a way that inspired goodness in the souls of others, to push people towards love rather than hate, to bring light to a dark world. The synapse presented me with an awareness of the person I was and the person I could become.
My mom has been the catalyst for more synaptic connections than just my own. Thousands of dollars were donated in her name to the school she taught at. A friend of mine chose to make peace with her abusive father after learning he had cancer. Friends and family members that once hated God would ask to attend church with me. I watched families come back together. I watched friends make peace with their parents; parents make peace with their kids. Broken relationships were repaired, all in my mother’s name. I like to imagine that she’s watching it all happen; she’s the one lighting the flame to spark the synapse. I believe she watches the legacy she has created with a smile on her face. She is love. She is kindness. She is compassion. She is joy. And she has left these gifts within every soul she has ever touched. I took what I learned from the synapse to heart. The cavity is there forever. I know this will never fully “heal.” The first synapse labeled me “the girl with the dead mom.” The second synapse labeled me “the girl with the mom who loved her, and who loved others with a passion that continues to inspire every day.” The synapses gave me a choice. I realized where I was going wrong and what my mom would want me to do to fix it. Every day, I choose to do what I can to make her proud. I have come to terms with the synapse. I have asked the questions. I have begged for answers. I believe I have found them within those quiet moments after when the dust begins to settle, the pieces slide into place, and realization kicks in. In these moments of silence after the synapse, you must pause to reflect on what you have lost. You must mourn the path you can no longer take. The person you can no longer be. And then, after the mourning and the pain, you will face the second synapse. You will learn what you can be. You will set your eyes on the new path. I hope you face it head-on.
Photography: Kathryn Hennessy, Caitlin Gurley, Gracie Gianoukos. Production: Cooper Gore, Paula Soto. Styling: Gracie Gianoukos, Abby Martos, Allyson Woods, Anna Jones. Beauty: Benjamin Holland, Shauna Gentile, Sarah Hansen. Models: Sienna Calvin, Brooke Rhonemus.
APPREHEN SPHERE
Following shock, comes our anxiety over what is to come next - what lies beyond this moment, a hybrid between apprehension and atmosphere. Apprehension is known as the suspicion or fear, especially of future evil; foreboding a nervous atmosphere. It can leave us in a shocked, paralyzed state. However, unlike the feeling, the world does not stop. Time moves, and we must make decisions in order to proceed. Our atmosphere often impacts how long we remain within this state. When surrounded by ease, decisions are easy. However, when shrouded in the unknown, we can find ourselves paralyzed. While we must often consider what can go wrong, when it can, and how it will occur, we can only allow that to hinder us for so long. While apprehension can be a healthy indicator of a boundary, it can often be an overthought. Once we decide how to proceed, there is little between us and what lies next.
SHROUDED in the UNKNOWN By: Kendall Broglio
It’s the middle of the night, and I wake up in a sweat. My zebra print curtains and dark purple walls decorated with the notes from my classmates rustle from the fan. The monsters under my bed, the unexplainable noise in the hall, and the clap of thunder that just shook my house all leave me in a state of panic. I take deep breaths and convince myself that it’s all in my head; I just need to close my eyes and go to bed. It’s the middle of the night, and I wake up in a sweat. My laptop wakes up as I roll over, and I am blinded by the bright white screen of a word document. The pressure to succeed, my anxiety over what lies beyond this moment, and the unstoppable movement of time leave me in a state of panic. I take deep breaths and convince myself that it’s all in my head; I just need to close my eyes and go to bed. I remember when my physical fears turned into mental ones. I didn’t know it at the time, but it’s all so clear now. I suffered from “lump-in-throat” syndrome. I was almost ten when this lump in my throat appeared. It wasn’t there all the time, but when it came around, it was debilitating. This lump ruled me. It choked me. It distracted me from everything fun a ten-year-old would have to do. It took away from holidays. For example, one year, I begged my mom to go watch the New Year’s fireworks at my dad’s restaurant; the stupid lump in my throat came to ruin it all. Why did the lump in my throat have to come around then? Why couldn’t it just wait until I was back at home? Eventually, I learned how to make the stupid lump in my throat go away. I would
take those deep, long extended breaths and just tell it to go away and come back another time. And sure enough, the stupid thing would come back. Eventually, a doctor’s appointment was needed to confirm my “lump-in-throat” syndrome. Surely a doctor could remove the thing for good. “Does school stress you out at all?” asked the doctor. Does school stress me out? I was ten! School was awesome. What kind of question was that? “You should add yoga or more physical activity to your routine. Have a good day!” exclaimed the doctor. I had no idea what yoga was… I was only ten! And as a child, I literally did not stop moving. How was running around even more going to make my “lump-in-throat” go away? Fast forward ten years later. Finally, my “lump-in-throat” syndrome has gone away. Instead, a myriad of symptoms debilitates me even further. I don’t sleep, I am never relaxed, I am constantly nervous, my muscles tense up with no explanation, I get scared easily, and the list just seems to go on and on. The phrase “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” seems so simple, so easy to comprehend, and yet the anxiety I feel about what lies beyond this moment is everything but simple. Anxiety forces me to plan my every move but how can someone plan their every move when they are terrified of what comes next? Apprehension is known as the suspicion of fear, especially of a future evil that forebodes a nervous atmosphere. It can leave us in a shocked, paralyzed state. But how do you live a life in a paralyzed state when the world does not stop for you? Time moves, so you are forced to make decisions on how to proceed.
The textbook definition of being in your twenties should be “shrouded in the unknown.” Because of the mystery of what comes next, I am absolutely terrified of failure. My fear of failure is what drives me. It encapsulates and decides all of my moves throughout life. While it can be a healthy indicator of a boundary, like not taking on more than I can handle, the irrationality of my fear asks, “well, if you don’t take on more than you can handle, are you really succeeding?” And to make matters worse, I can acknowledge that my fear is irrational. But it doesn’t matter. My main concern is my future, and I refuse to let it be anything but success. How does one live like this, you may ask? They don’t. The past three years of my life have been an unbelievable whirlwind of change. And if you know anyone with an anxiety disorder, they will be the first to tell you that change is a no-go - it is entirely offlimits. But, whether we like it or not, change is inevitable. Change is good. So, the change that has been forced upon me is teaching me to fall in love with my failures. Failures in school, relationships, and personal goals have all caused me to make decisions that have made this season of my life so much more prosperous. Living in fear is so tiresome. But today, and every day, I now make a conscious choice to no longer live in fear. Life isn’t supposed to be easy, but when it can be easy, let it be. It took me a long time to get where I am. The story I have created for myself is not one of hardship but one of prosperity. The choices you make determine how long you let your apprehension over the future hinder you. Pick an atmosphere that allows you to break free from an inhibited state.
UNCOMFORTABLE FRIEND By: Lauren Cich
The room was dark – the only light creeped through the tattered blinds covering the window, and cascaded down the wall in striped patterns, resembling that of a cage. The room shook from the passing train, and its low, distant whistle called out as a warning that it would not stop for you if you crossed its path. The room was cold, yet despite the chill, the fan was set to its fastest speed to mimic the girl’s persistent movement and fidgeting of her leg. She stayed in rhythm with the fan, bobbing her leg to the whoosh of cold air that made the dust dance in the small bits of sunlight finding its way in. I watched her from the corner of the room. I was always there, loitering in the distance. When she would try to sleep at night, I would lurk under her bed and cause her to stay awake with my disruption. When she tried to get ready in the morning, I would look at her in the mirror and whisper lies about her appearance. When she drove to class, I would threaten to grab the wheel and take control. I told her lies, and she allowed me to. She let me control her life. I would find myself questioning why she so easily let me in. Why did she listen to every whispered absurdity I told her? Why did she let me consume her day, her interactions, and her relationships? You’d think I would eventually want to give her a break. I was a part of her, though - I have been with her since she was a child. I felt strangely close to the girl I controlled and consumed. When she talked about me to others, she felt the opposite.
She acted as if I was a demon, and she needed someone to perform an exorcism on her. People would call me a “chemical imbalance” and ask if something tragic happened in her childhood that caused me to emerge from the shadows. She would shake her head and explain that I have just always been there. Eventually, I became too consuming. I absorbed her joy, and she no longer knew how to live without my lies. She started talking to someone about me. Not someone familiar to her, but a stranger who was described as a ‘therapist.’ He is nice about me. He does not shame me for existing within her life because neither she nor I can help that I linger around. When talking to him, she learns how to take the control from me. She learns to address the lies I tell her and does not accept them as the truth. She erases my label as a ‘demon’ and now addresses me as her uncomfortable friend. She accepts that I will be with her for the rest of her life because it was how she is designed, but she will not listen to the absurdities I tell her. She learns to use me as a guide, as something that will keep her safe, but does not let me consume her every thought. While I still linger and make her uncomfortable, she now controls me, and because of that, she no longer lives within the cage I constructed for her.
Photography: Kathryn Hennessy, Daisy Pflaum, Gracie Gianoukos, Brooke Rhonemus. Production: Cooper Gore, Corbin Barber. Styling: Gracie Gianoukos, Abby Martos, Katy Oakley, Allyson Woods, Anna Jones, Lindsey Murray. Beauty: Keeli Scarlett, Sarah Hansen. Models: Michaela Rataiczak, Grace Sanderson, Alexica Stills, Katherine Blanchard
&
VALUE VOLATILITY
Our intuition helps guide us through our life. No matter the severity of the issue we are faced with, it is always within us. Once aware of the decision at hand, our mind rummages through what could be gained and what could be lost. This process of weighing our benefits can be attributed to what will bring us value versus what brings volatility. We often find ourselves at these pivotal moments deciding whether or not a toxic cycle is worth continuing. Toxicity and volatility can become addictive and often cause us to linger. As we become addicted to a feeling that we hope will change into something of value. Whereas value can be harder to distinguish, as there is no guarantee something or somebody will be valuable within our lives. However, more often than not, we disparage our intuition and try to justify that a volatile cycle can bring us more than taking a chance on something of value.
warning:
TOXIC CYCLES ahead By: Macie Hebert
Realizing that something you love may be bad for you can be difficult to process. In this case, it was a scream. I had heard my loved one yell before, and we argued periodically from time to time. However, it wasn’t the type of raising of a voice that was tolerable. This was an openmouthed, full-bodied, shaking scream that would’ve knocked me to the ground had they come any closer. And then everything was silent, me looking at them, them looking at me, both of us holding eye contact in pure disbelief at what these mere words had brought us to. We always liked to think that we weren’t those people who screamed at each other. We thought we could control ourselves and be happy, rather than fighting like people who let stress define their conclusions. Unfortunately, unpleasantries can arise from anywhere, no matter who you are. And it was in that awful, could have been minutes, seconds, or hour-long, moment where I stopped to finally think: Is this good for me? Toxicity can come in many different forms, and likes to sneak up on even the kindest souls in this life. I’ve watched loved ones fall into toxic cycles of work, relationships, and body image. To be in a toxic cycle with yourself has to be one of the most difficult battles someone can fight. Believe me, I have been there. How can anyone manage to pick themselves up if they’re kicking themselves back down before they could even gain a little balance? Life is all about balance, right? The terrifying thing about toxicity is that once that cycle has begun, it might take every last bit of your strength to pull yourself out.
Sometimes the value of something isn’t worth the amount of volatility someone is enduring. A roller coaster isn’t supposed to last for more than a few minutes. It might be thrilling at first, but if the ride were to go on for too long, the passengers would only end up sick. No one would pay to go to amusement parks if this were the case. The problem with the presence of volatility in a relationship with anyone, romantic or not, is that eventually, if you fall into it for too long, it can become addictive. The lows can be so very low, dropping you to your breaking point over and over, making you think you couldn’t get any closer to the ground. This makes the highs, or the happy moments of the relationship, feel like you’re flying - like you quite literally have superpowers. Cloud 9 type of stuff. But those are dangerous waters to be swimming through, especially when your reliance on your partner as your life preserver varies depending on the day. You have to stop and think: Is this worth it? Are the tears, the anxiety, the painful hole tearing through your stomach… Are those few happy moments worth all of that suffering? If your answer is even partially ‘no,’ don’t be scared to try to break away from that. Don’t be scared to reach out to your loved ones if you’re having a hard time coming to your own realization about a toxic cycle in your life. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t know that it would happen. You’re not to blame, so don’t beat yourself up. It shows strength to even try. It took me months to break out of my own cycle. What I thought was great for me was actually poisoning the world I created around me. Your intuition will help be your guide; it’s already somewhere in that pretty mind. You know you want to do better, to be better. You’ve got it. Let’s do it together.
FLICKERING light By: Kailey Tucker
Create your own sound, and delicate movement. Set a lantern on the porch for the birds tonight. Glowing, a sun-bright gold light, a purposeful sign. Let me give a false dawn to hear hopeful singing.
Set a lantern on the porch for the birds tonight. You know your voice won’t be given up to the dark. Let me give a false dawn to hear hopeful singing. Hope is in you too, singing the tune without words. You know your voice won’t be given up to the dark. Grow faith like buds from the bed of this universe. Hope is in you too, singing the tune without words. Don’t return to the beginning of your story. Grow faith like buds from the bed of this universe. Appreciate abundance in a quiet life. Don’t return to the beginning of your story. Create your own sound, and delicate movement.
WONDER LAND
After we make the decision of whether we want to follow our intuition or to do everything within our power to defy it, we almost return to the blissful place where we started. But now, we are also met with a euphoric feeling. We are left in wonder - a place of endless possibility, that is wrapped in the high of our effort. Every individual approaches life in different ways. Some undertake the risk to achieve the reward, while others avoid risks, ultimately causing them to forgo the reward. In this state, we are left wondering what comes next; wondering where we will land. Our intuition has guided us thus far and once every outcome has been weighed between what will bring value and what will be volatile, we must actually turn the decision into an action. In this past year, making decisions on our future has been murky at best, and often left us feeling like we were floating. While we now float in wonder, we consider what comes next, how it is achieved, and where we will ultimately land.
Photography: Kathryn Hennessy, Brooke Rhonemus, Daisy Pflaum, Gracie Gianoukos. Production: Paula Soto. Styling: Gracie Gianoukos, Abby Martos, Allyson Woods, Genevieve Lococo. Beauty: Benjamin Holland, Keeli Scarlett, Sarah Hansen. Models: Katera Frazier, Gabi Belouche, Savannah Dare
BLISScan be BRUTAL By: Quinn Sheehan
Imagine, you are in a room full of people, standing there and feel completely alone. The music is playing, people are talking, friends are laughing, and you might even find yourself in a conversation - but you still feel control slipping through your fingers. It is a frightening situation to have a lack of control, but the truth is, you can do anything - even when control is not an option. Despite this, everyone has control of certain aspects of their life and what they want to make of it, but so often, we feel the need to grab the bull by the horns and take back that control we feel we are lacking. Each day we go through life, tackling mindless chores and repeating the same, monotonous cycle. There has to be a way to step out of this void and create our own wonderland that is specifically made for us - where we can move away from the need to gain control of the uncontrollable and learn how to gain control of the controllable. When standing in a room full of those who love me, I can feel my anxiety creeping in and the feeling of control falling far behind me. In these moments, I need to step outside and try to take control back. As I smell the freshly cut grass, I take three deep breaths: in, out, in, out, in. I tell myself to lower my heart rate. I take one more deep breath as I reach for the door handle to go back into my crowded living room and remind myself that I am okay and in control of tonight. Sometimes the noise that fills up a room can be very overwhelming, but this is when it is crucial to remember that you are the one who controls what noise you let into your own life. When I was about five years old, and I had trouble falling asleep at night, my mom would work, what she called, her “magic.” Her “magic” was teaching me how to meditate and slow my mind down. When she would do this with me, I would always imagine my wonderland. It’s a beach, with no clouds in the sky and a slight breeze. This is where I would let everything fade away, and for those few minutes, the weight of the world was off my shoulders. Everyone’s wonderland is different, but it is valuable to have something that is solely yours.
Once we realize that control is fading from us, it is important to take it back. Whether that means organizing our lives, creating plans, or cleaning our environment, little steps can make us feel like we can take on the world. My friends often tell me that I am a “control freak” or that I “micromanage,” and that isn’t necessarily because I like the control, but because I want to be able to make my own decisions for my life and have things done on my time and the way that works for me. An aspect of the uncontrollable within our lives is intuition. Our intuition unconsciously tells us right from wrong. If we do not follow our intuition, then we are going against our gut. While intuition is uncontrollable, we can control how we react to it. As you flip through the pages of this magazine, you might feel a certain way about a story told, through either the photographs or the writing. You might have an instinctual feeling -- that of intuition. It guides us and keeps us on the correct path to create our own wonderland. Our wonderland is our own world - the one we create, so it should be perfectly made to our individual personas. It is a euphoric feeling to know that your world is what you want it to be. From the day we choose what college we attend to what career we want, it is all up to us. No one else can force us down a path that isn’t meant for us. Our intuition and wonderland show us the way to our happily ever after. From time to time, we are going to wander and fall into old habits that will make us afraid of the road ahead. But it is important to remember that even in those difficult situations, we can create a wonderland to provide us a sense of peace and control. It is okay to wander and fall down occasionally, but it is not okay to let yourself stay down. We must move forward and make it count. You are the only one in charge of your destiny, so why watch it from the sidelines when you can be the coach, quarterback, and the crowd.
CULMINATION
This is the moment we all await - when the action based off our intuition has been made. This is the determining factor of whether we will get just what we expected, more than we could have dreamed, or if we will trapped in a cycle of volatility. Culmination, known as the highest or climactic point of something, is what we do it all for, isn’t it? We spend so much energy and thought to get to this climax. This moment, while a defining a factor of our present, can forever alter our future. Often known as the moment when everything comes together, and all we can do is hold our breath until the truth is revealed. Has our intuition lead us to success or did we defy the feeling and end up feeling scorned by the world? Each culmination gives us a new perspective on what and where we go next. Once all has been revealed, and we move on from this moment, it is only so long until our intuition strikes... leaving us yet again with the question “What do you want?”
Photography: Kathryn Hennessy, Daisy Pflaum, Gracie Gianoukos, Brooke Rhonemus. Production: Cooper Gore, Paula Soto. Styling: Gracie Gianoukos, Allyson Woods, Lindsey Murray. Beauty: Shauna Gentile. Model: Whitney Van Syckle
REVERTING to
MYSELF By: Kailey Tucker
Were these happy tears? I wasn’t selling another book or hosting an open mic, but at that moment, I was simply driving my car between a questionably safe gas station and a sheriff ’s office I’d never paid any attention to. A voice in my head kept repeating the same phrase over and over: I did it. The key was gratitude, and I am purely soaking in it. It was in the mundane of my everyday life that it hit. I had freed myself of cynical cycles of my thinking and being. The fall of my sophomore year in college had granted me exactly what I wanted for myself months before. Nineteen years old was a long sleep, and I was woken by my desires at twenty. My life existed on a small island with a small family at a small school. Having just survived my teenage years, my bad habits were still easily identifiable. If a situation bothered me or happiness wasn’t the over-encompassing emotion behind a situation, I pushed those feelings down or trudged through my days while the weight of life piled up on my back. I let in too many opinions of others during my teenage years. I chose to ignore that this was my biggest recurring pattern. In the summer of 2020, I was able to leave my small island and move somewhere new: college. I accepted change like a best friend, who I didn’t know much about. The change felt good, but my bad habits and flaws didn’t change much at all. All that changed was me - and for the worst.
I involved myself with the wrong people. These girls fed me their opinions, and I ate them up. Academics stopped coming first, I stopped being able to write, changed my values some more, and entered into a stage where I fell into a depression. Who was I? I carried secrets, baggage, and I could not understand why nothing good was happening for me. I am a creative person who finds pleasure and joy in poetry, music, and art, but my passions only drifted further away from me. I filled my schedule with brain-numbing activities and refused to reflect on myself. The adrenaline of running from my feelings felt better than accepting them. Was nothing coming for me? In the spring of 2021, a situation in my life was thrown at me like a curveball. I was hit with knowing I was not where I really wanted to be. The feelings of this situational depression got worse, and I hadn’t done enough to help myself. I had not involved myself with enough at school, I cut out the people closest to me, I refused to apply myself to my classes, and did not begin to address the flaws in myself. The people I loved sat me down at the end of that spring and told me I needed to really reflect on myself, or I would never get better. When I realized how my actions were affecting the people around me, I knew I needed change. I knew there was still a part of me on the inside, I just had to pull her out. I have always been
disgustingly optimistic, but this changed after surrounding myself with the wrong crowd who thought the opposite. That optimism was a flicker. I told myself each night before going to sleep that I tried my best, and that’s enough. That summer, I did try. With encouragement from the people I love, one activity slowly turned into another, which turned into another. Spirituality became my saving grace. Being my own best friend was the only way I could pull myself back to my true self. I decided the only way I could combat what I was feeling and what had happened was to search inward for the answers. I would wake up, meditate, read, do yoga, and do anything to balance my mind and body. I started having tough conversations regarding who I was and who I wanted to be. I learned about the power of manifestation. I created vision boards and started to see several friends every week at my own pace. Forgiving myself was the first step, and it hasn’t stopped being a good habit. A journal stayed glued to my hand where I created a detailed list of what I wanted out of my sophomore year of college. Being alone allowed me to trust the world around me with what would come next. Forgiving myself, accepting my worst flaws, and being kind was all I could do. It was tough to look in a mirror and see my worst qualities, but by embracing gratitude and
just letting go, I found that what was meant for me would come. I stood up and acted like the person I wanted to become. Once I focused on myself, the days went a lot smoother. Suddenly, college was approaching again. My sophomore year move-in day came quickly. I said goodbye to my parents, and I knew it was round two. I had to prove to myself I could do it, even when the lurking opinions of others concerning my independence overwhelmed me. Every time I blinked, I began to notice the small things I counted in my gratitude. The residence hall room I found myself sitting in was the place I had dreamt of the year prior. Somehow I was living exactly where I wanted to. I ran my finger down my planner one evening to check on my
schoolwork, and the Virgo in me had noticed how many of my new friends were penciled in for when I get to see and meet up with them. Over the course of the next few months, I realized I had only let in good friends. These were true friends who only wanted to support me. On a whim, I found myself doing the spontaneous things I had suppressed the year before. I joined a sorority, rushed, and to my own surprise, I had the time of my life. I still am. Taking a leap of courage and embracing what used to fear was scary, but it was worth it. I began to write again whenever I got the chance. My journals turned from reflections into full pages of poetry again. I was able to read this poetry at an open mic night that COVID had taken away from me. I was reading my poetry by the beach and at coffee
shops for crowds. With some effort put into my academics, I was proving to myself that I would hold myself accountable whenever I fell behind, and I did. I started noticing the emotions of strangers and feeling curious. The feeling of curiosity of a life that was mine again was more powerful than anything I had felt before. While driving my car on such a simple day, I found myself in tears. Tears of happiness. Crying because I did it. I had culminated the life I wanted. I knew if I wanted it, I could create it. I removed the negativity, and I constantly was honest. If I was genuine with myself, then goodness would come, and it did. Gratitude was the key. Remembering who I was took a push, but I’ll never stop feeling grateful to be myself and have my life again.
learning to listen:
THE INTUITIVE MIND By: Katy Oakley
The culmination of 21 years of life has shaped me into who I recognize today as my most authentic self. I spent quite some time attempting to fit a mold that others had created for me. Only once I allowed my intuition to guide me, I began to discover the authenticity of self that I am still unveiling each and every day. After my first year of college, I felt more familiar than ever with the person that I saw in the mirror. Fast forward a few years to this past summer - my last summer as an undergraduate student. It was time to make the life-altering decision of what to do after graduation. I felt obligated to follow a path that would ensure my financial stability and found myself googling “highest paying psychology careers.” For a moment, I felt relieved to tell friends, family, and strangers that I would be pursuing a master’s degree in Industrial and Organizational Psychology. It sounded fancy enough, and it would surely pay enough for me to live comfortably. Then, on a night out this summer, I met a stranger who asked me the question I had heard so many times before, “What do you plan to do after school?” When I answered the question this time, saying, “I will go to grad school for Industrial and Organizational Psychology,” I felt this immense wave of self-betrayal. I realized that in declaring this path for myself, I was ignoring my own intuition. I didn’t have to give it much thought before realizing what had been right in front of me all along. I knew then that I wanted to be a professor. I wanted to be in a position to positively impact students and remain a lifelong learner. Looking back, I recognize so many moments where my intuition told me that this was the thing that would fulfill me. This was the thing that I could confidently say without feeling like a fraud when someone asked me about my path. Don’t write off your intuition as superstition - allow it to lead you to your culmination.