Americana

Written by Bella Kubach Art by Deana Dieujuste

Something about red lipstick, a Harley Davidson, Bruce Springstein, and daisy dukes make me so proud to be an American. When you think of living the “American Dream,” you think of a James Dean look-alike sweeping you off your feet to a rock concert in a dive bar. Something about sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, and the scent of Bud Light reminds us all of our old American homes.

In our nation built on apple pie and roofies, we take pride in many things, for one, football. In “one nation under God,” Sundays aren’t reserved for worship. Rather, football. We were the first to invent tailgates as an excuse to get sh*t faced and think about how hot Tom Brady is. Greatest nation ever, right?

AMERICANA

We also take pride in our music. Something about the loud, clashing sound of rock music soothes our brains. Elvis? Our king. We look past the fact he began courting his wife when she was only 14. Age gaps are hot, right? I mean, it is legal.

Relationships with large age gaps are even romanticized in society today. I can’t imagine you’ve never seen an “I <3 MILFS” shirt on a middle school boy or heard Lana Del Rey sing about her love for older men in a Lolita kinda way.

You probably find “stepmom porn” hot, and that’s okay. We live in America! Home of the free!

We may look past our favorite rockstar’s relationships because we invented rock ‘n’ roll. It’s essential in our society. Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Mötley Crüe, Ozzy Osbourne. Something about a leather jacket and heroin addiction is so hot. It’s no secret that many rock stars in the limelight struggle with substance abuse. But if they sound good, who the f*ck cares! We’ll pity their addiction problems when they make headlines in our favorite tabloids. We wouldn’t dare talk about how hard it is for Americans to receive therapy or rehab treatments. A penny out of my taxes? No way!

I mean, who wants to pay taxes anyways? It’s going to help maintain highways? We’re working on flying cars anyways! Just ask Elon Musk. In America, in Elon Musk, we trust. He’s on the way to replacing our teachers with robots! What do we need teachers for anyway? They do teach us everything we need to know to be active members of society with little to no pay. And every so often, they’re expected to act as human shields against the bullets from an unbanned, unregulated assault rifle. But school is a drag. In ‘Merica, we can do anything we put our minds to. That’s what the Constitution says!

The ten amendments were created for a reason. So, that’s what we live by. Look at the first amendment: freedom of speech. Take that, North Korea! Other countries don’t have as many freedoms as we do here. That’s part of what makes America such a dream! You can talk about anything you want. You can drag anyone you want. As long as it’s not the carrot with the toupee!

I mean, look at Agent Orange. He had no political background, and he evaded his taxes. Still, he was the 45th president of the United States. So, when your mom tells you that in America, you can be anything you want, she really means it. I mean, George Bush Jr. got the gig after his cocaine use made headlines. When the public was asked if they still supported him, 8 in 10 Americans said they didn’t care if he did the drug. Pay for him to get rehab? Hell no. Not out of my taxes! Elect him as the 43rd president of the United States? Sounds more like it.

In America, sure, we have flaws. But, in what other country can you eat a hotdog and drink shitty beer in the back of a pickup truck that was once filled with water as a makeshift pool? I can’t think of one! Next time you think of disrespecting the “land of the free,” think about how good McDonald’s fries taste. Yeah, 41.9% of Americans may suffer from obesity, but isn’t

Photography by Sterling Smith Beauty by Sam Acello Styling by Ava Davison and Isabella Van Gaasbeek Model is wearing top from By Chlothing Store

that what liposuction is for? Here, in the U.S., we rarely have to face the consequences of our actions. That’s part of what makes it so great!

Sure, you can buy a gun at the ripe age of 18. How else are you going to protect yourself? We’re allowed to buy a gun and go to war 3 years before we’re legally drinking alcohol! How logical is that? And if you don’t like it, then leave. The second amendment granted us the right to bear guns, and that’s how it will remain. Although, To Kill a Mockingbird is more regulated in schools than guns are. ‘Merica!

It’s hard to name what really is the best part of the American dream. I mean, we invented fried food, spray cheese, NASCAR, spring break, The Real Housewives, Mountain Dew, Airstream trailers, and red solo cups. Could it get any better?

For some reason, Gen Z deemed “cigarette grunge” and the “Americana aesthetic” as the ultimate epitome of America. Miss Americana, Lana Del Rey herself, gained fame from faking these very aesthetics. Lana Del Rey was Lizzy Grant before Lana Del Rey even existed. For years, she tried to perform as herself but was not successful. It wasn’t until she threw an American flag behind her and started singing about Coca-Cola, cocaine, and her “daddy” that she grew a fanbase. And oddly enough, the fan base consisted of 13-year-old Tumblr girls.

AMERI CAN’T

WRITTEN BY RYAN MANNEY ART BY DEANA DIEUJUSTE

The home of the free. America, the beautiful. Be anyone you want to be, In America, you can play your role. All that’s owed is one small fee, Your life, paid in full.

The more we try the more we fail. Stuck in a cyclone of outdated ideologies, Unable to break the cycle of injustice. What do we do? How do we prevail? Can we give anymore apologies When evil is our accomplice?

Presented with two choices we choose the lesser. A crockpot of cultures and we decide to embrace only one. A plentiful river of goodness and we opt for hate. Capitalistic class dividing the people, Condoned violence, Social inequality uprising unrest.

We The People can’t figure it out. We The People can’t get it right. We’re forming a less perfect Union, Obstructing justice, demolishing the general welfare, And withholding the blessings of liberty. Will we ever change?

The death of this America is the birth of integrity. The day it dies begins the days we truly live. A culture born from the ashes of old habits that died hard. Striving for something new, something greater. Let’s try this again, A new American dream.

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