Getting Over Someone You Never Even Dated

Rejection is Just Redirection:

Getting Over Someone You Never Even Dated

written by maria paula gonzales art by michelle goldman

ccepting I have a crush on someone is absolutely devastating to me. When I don’t have one, I crave it. I love the idea of it. Whether it’s a work crush, someone in your social circle you see often, or even a gym crush with whom you might cross paths for an hour 4 to 5 times a week while doing your daily workout. The idea of being excited to see someone is so fun and wholesome. If the universe works the way you long for it to, you and your crush get to know each other! Getting what you want feels good, doesn’t it? You had your eye on someone, and now you’re besties which means they are going to catch on, fall in love with you, and you’ll live happily ever after! I mean, for someone else, it might work that way. I wish I could say the article you’re reading is a “success story” of some sort, but in a way, it is. A personal growth and acceptance journey, to put it into better words. Once upon a time, not too long ago, the universe had me cross paths with someone I connected with very well. I felt something that hadn’t been there before, so you can imagine my panic when after craving a crush for so long, it finally arrived in my life again. Small PSA, though, this memoir isn’t about them. It’s about the personal growth I found and how I dealt with the consequences of my actions. Let’s continue. I wasn’t even thinking, “Oh my god, I’m gonna be in a relationship with him.” I was just thinking, “‘Heard about this BDE,’ I need to get out there.” Feelings and BDE thoughts aside, I told myself that nothing would ever happen. Point blank, period. There was no point in even trying because why would he ever look my way? (Oh, MP, way to sell yourself short.) Instead of shooting my shot and dealing with the consequences that would follow, whether it be rejection or the person reciprocating what I felt, I decided to be absolutely insane and not say anything regarding my feelings. Now, why the hell would I do that? At the time, the reasoning behind my actions was simple and straightforward. I told myself that I would take myself out of the said equation to protect my feelings because I did not see anything happening. So why even bother? If I “knew” the feelings I had for them wouldn’t be reciprocated, why put me in that situation of hurt and rejection that would make me feel even worse about myself? I told myself I was better off with them never hearing it from me. I put my feelings to the side for

Athe sake of other people’s feelings! Abort mission ASAP. Clearly, I was down bad. Scary times. Thinking back to this time of my life and how I decided to deal with my feelings is unusually conflicting for many reasons. However, I’ll mention two that stick out. On the one hand, I can see the “logical” side of my brain trying to protect my heart and what could come after. The fear of a close friend—possibly—denying me just seemed absolutely terrifying, so I avoided it. Simultaneously, I feel sad for the little girl inside me who didn’t feel worthy enough to express how she really felt. Keeping my feelings bottled inside just felt like the most effective choice; even though my friends would try to shake me to my senses, I was blinded by self-sabotage and my insecurities. I was willing to see the reality, which was extremely crystal clear to everyone except me. Both of these are my truth. I’ve learned to understand that two things that are opposites can co-exist at the same time, feelings included. Our emotions don’t have to be black or white; I have come to understand why I saw self-sabotaging myself as me “protecting” myself. While also giving my inner child grace and letting it be known that if I am in a situation like this again, saying what I truly feel is not only something I deserve, but I owe it to myself. Some time has passed, and when I look back to the person making these choices, I wish I could pull her aside and let her know that saying how you feel (most of the time) is worth it. Avoiding pain and rejection by pushing my feelings to the side helped absolutely no one, and it just made me more miserable at the end of the day. I really thought I was doing myself a favor, but in reality, I was hurting myself even more in the process. With this memoir, I’m not saying I have all of the answers. But I can say that I’ve learned so much about myself. One lesson I gathered after this experience that I’ve been trying to put into practice is to stop underestimating myself and to give myself a chance, even when I think I don’t have a shot. Shooters gotta shoot.