PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER

Where has the time gone? I have spent far too much of it reaching for something that may not even exist. As soon as I developed a sense of self, my identity was put up for debate. It was the one thing on which my mind could ever focus. I spent countless minutes, hours and days searching for answers to the question of all questions for many people, but especially for any of those who consider themselves queer:

“Who am I?”

This question has followed me to today, where I have moved markedly toward a point where I can provide an answer. Piece by piece, I have crafted a vibrant and one-of-a-kind mosaic through navigating aspects of my identity that may not hit so close to home with those unfamiliar with the experience of queerness. This piecing together was a long and winding road.

The first piece of the mosaic the majority of queer people, including myself, experience manifests as a slow realization and an ensuing search for a concise yet multilayered label. This task plagued my mind the most, as I addressed a part of myself I could never have conceptualized only months prior. It demanded a concrete self-assuredness that I, nor any other pubescent tween, could only have dreamed of possessing.

The next layer took place within the realm of “coming out.” Questions overwhelm and circulate the mind, forcing queer people into thought processes that cease to exist outside of queerness. Some question who they should come out to first, who deserves the “honor” of helping them carry their burden.

Many question if they should come out at all; after all, why should we?

We are forced to consider if our public declaration — something strongly encouraged at some point, especially in the West — of such a basic trait will end in net benefit. Others, including myself at this stage, have no control. Instead, others share our “secret” before we can, forcing us to surrender our identities to the minds of people around us we may have never wished to share ourselves with.

As my inner war waged, I sat back and watched. Silently and helplessly, I watched as more and more of my peers were allowed access to my internal struggle without my permission.

However, it is not as this turbulence came to an end that my confused inner dialogue turned to clarity as I had hoped. With each milestone, every aspect within my mosaic seemed to lead to a new set of challenges. This part of my life is no exception. I believed that after finding an open and supportive circle of family and friends, my confusion and angst would begin to dissipate.

Instead, it was as if I had ended up right back where I started. Instead of simply reaching for a concrete label, I shifted my focus to discovering where my newfound queerness fit within other aspects of my life: gender roles, spirituality and self-expression. It was at this time, too, where my conception of self-questioning began to evolve.

As I found myself in an era of self-acceptance, furthering my understanding of my identity did not stay a mind-numbingly petrifying feat; it evolved into a purposeful and rewarding process. My loathing toward addressing my inner struggle became a celebration of the opportunity to come closer to full self-understanding, even if complete clarity was unattainable.

Today, I no longer reach for an end to self-questioning. I have come full circle with a new alternative perspective. I have arrived back to the question that has always spun at the axis of my being, the question that is centered in so many other confused and queer minds: “Who am I?”

The truth is, no queer person owes anyone else or themselves a perfect and timely answer to that question, especially those who have been forced into more difficult environments than my own. Piece by piece, however, I do come closer to that answer, and day by day, I become more comfortable with the prospect of never arriving at one.

STRIKE MAGAZINE | ISSUE 07 | APUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHERA Queer Coming of Age BY QUINN HEALY