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The College Football Guide

On-Campus Foraging: The New Black?

Species of North American Professor

SEPTEMBER 2015 • LUBBOCK • STUDYBREAKS.COM

U CLUB AT OVERTON PARK

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T A B L E

A FIELD-GUIDE TO FIELDGUIDES:

O F

20 SEX EDUCATION

28

FOOTBALL FIELD GUIDE

42

PROFESSIONAL FIELD GUIDE

52

FORAGING

36. THE FIELD GUIDE TO COLLEGE SURVIVAL

NOW REQUIRED READING BY THE TEXAS STATE BOARD OF EDUCATION.*

06

12

48

68

74

EDITORS LETTER

THE DROUGHT

FASHION

INFORMERS ALMANAC

TEXAS O’ TEXAS

TEXAS TOAST

COMEDIOCRACY

GRADUATE STUDIES

ARTIST OF THE MONTH

RECESS ARCADE BAR

08

14

60

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72

78

*Not true.

20% OFF TOURS OR LESSONS + 15% OFF IN THE STORE 720 B A S T RO P HI G HWAY SU I TE # 2 01 AUS TI N, TEXAS - (51 2) 77 7-8958 SEPTEMBER 2015 | 5 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

letter from the editor

A FIELD-GUIDE TO FIELD-GUIDES: THE META FIELD GUIDE

Too often, field guides mistakenly assume that people know how to use them— an oversight that we at Study Breaks plan on avoiding. After all, we both know what happens when you assume: sometimes you’re right, but sometimes you’re wrong.

In order to properly use a field guide, it’s important to first understand their purpose. The books’ primary aim is to mimic the knowledge that actual field study would produce, effectively providing all of the guide with none of the field.

They do this for three reasons.

First, you often need a basic knowledge of something before you can enjoy it: spotting a rare kakapo is unremarkable unless you know it’s a rare kakapo, and watching Charlie Strong’s sophomore coaching performance is unremarkable unless you know it’s his sophomore performance. The Study Breaks Field Guide to College Football will fix one of those problems.

Second, field guides make learning while actually in the field—the alternative to preemptively studying a field guide— unnecessary. Actual field study means missing or underappreciating rare opportunities, the observational equivalent of throwing pearls to swine. The noted ornithologist Aubrey Drake Graham echoed the sentiment when he borrowed the phrase “If you’re reading this it’s too late” from a popular birdwatching pamphlet. A field guide enthusiast, Graham knows better than anyone the value of using the work of others for personal benefit. In that vein, we recommend memorizing the College Student’s Field Guide to Sexual Health and Study Break’s Field Guide to College Survival so that when opportunity strikes, you’re not thumbing through a well-written magazine for answers.

Finally, the contents of a field guide can save your life, but only if you know them.

Things can get out of hand quickly in college and it pays to be prepared for the worst.

The College Student’s Field Guide to On-Campus Edibles may keep you from starving after rent-day, and the College Student’s Field Guide to North American Professors tells you everything you need to know to properly identify and handle dangerous species of professor.

Good luck out there, Mark Stenberg , Editor-in-Chief

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Editor

STUDY BREAKS magazine is published twelve times per year by Shweiki Media, Inc. copyright 2012. All rights reserved. This magazine may not be reproduced in whole or in part in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented without written permission from the publisher. Reproduction or use in whole or in part of the contents of this magazine or of the trademarksof Study Breaks Magazine,

Inc., withour written permission of the publisher is prohibited.

The publisher assumes no responsibilty for care and return of unsolicited materials.Return postage must accompany material if it is to be returned. In no event shall such material subject this magazine to any claim for holding fees or similiar charges.

STUDY BREAKS magazine is an entertainment magazine for the students of Austin published 12 times a year

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CORPORATE OFFICE: Study Breaks Magazine, Inc. 511 W. 41st Street Austin, TX 78751 tel: [512] 480.0893 fax: [512] 480.0867 email: info@studybreaks.com www.studybreaks.com

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 7 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

texas toast //by: mark stenberg

T.G.I.F SEPTEMBER 2015 | 8 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

FRIDAY'S As a blossoming young professional, I’ve found myself the target demographic of commercials for the first time in my life. In the eyes of society, I belong to an age group that apparently has money and the desire to spend it: the millennials. As a result, brands that a year ago wouldn’t have given me the time of day are now fighting for my disposable income, and it’s an exciting time to be alive.

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texas toast //by: mark stenberg

Burger” promotion. The campaign With our newfound power, millennials have voted with cleverly markets itself as a “buy their dollars to slowly but steadily disenfranchise franchises one give one” deal, a fun twist on a across the country. As sales drop, institutions like Budweiser familiar schematic that appeals to the and Olive Garden have begun desperately courting the youth of iconoclast in every millennial. The the nation. According to The Atlantic, an astounding 44 percent promotion entices the smartphone of people aged 21-27 have never even tasted a cold Budweiser. generation, stipulating that after you buy As a result, pure fear has forced corporate brands across the a hamburger you receive a code to send a country to retool their advertising schemes. Now they come free burger to a friend. That’s right, a code. groveling to us as potential suitors, hoping to lure in our As Calvin Candie would say, “Gentlemen, money with focus-group driven commercials and questionable you had my curiosity, now you have my hashtag campaigns. attention.” Like Mugatu’s brainwashing, In general, they have had differing degrees of success. the commercial tweaked some cerebral The marketing team at T.G.I.Friday’s however, can consider back-alley in me, making it irrationally my decision to visit the restaurant a resounding triumph. imperative that I visit the restaurant.

Two commercials swayed me toward the casual eatery. First, In addition to the two commercials, I I mistook an Applebee’s commercial advertising the Applebee’s couldn’t shake the thought that T.G.I.Friday’s reverse happy hour for a T.G.I.Friday’s commercial. Normally also offered an endless apps deal, but I I would refuse to credit T.G.I.Friday’s marketing team for my wasn’t sure. After the reverse happy hour mistake, but it is common in the wild for animals to survive fiasco, fear by imitating other stronger, more tempered my sexually attractive species. Given curiosity.

The thought of T.G.I.Friday’s desperation, I didn’t crediting yet another company’s want to rule any strategy out. If promotional campaign to that is their approach I wouldn’t With our newfound T.G.I.Friday’s prevented me from advise it in the long run, but I will power, millennials asking the waiter. The menu say that it worked once. failed to mention any endless The second commercial have voted with their apps, although their website does advertised T.G.I.Friday’s “Jump dollars to slowly but testify to its existence.

Failing to advertise the app steadily disenfranchise promotion proved important, franchises across the as the entrée section of the laminated menu held very few country. appealing choices. Meanwhile, the appetizers looked amazing.

Their starters section reads like an appetizer hall of fame: sliders, pot stickers, mozzarella sticks, potato skins, nachos, spinach dip, flatbread—you name it, they have it. And since this is America you don’t have to choose: Friday’s Pick Three-For-All gets you any three assorted apps for $10.99.

We resisted the appetizer menu, but my inability to find an appetizing entrée forced me to order a dish that will endear me to our six-year-old readers—the Crispy Chicken Fingers ($10.79). We also ordered the Cajun Shrimp & Chicken Pasta ($12.99) and Hibachi Chicken Skewers ($9.49). Friday’s surprised me with higher prices than I expected, as most meals hung in the $12-22 range.

Still, the Crispy Chicken Fingers did not disappoint.

As I lack even an inkling of knowledge as to what occurs in a T.G.I. Friday's kitchen, I can only offer speculation.

But, I must say that their chicken was some of the juiciest I have ever eaten. Were I above squeezing my tender in order to witness liquid ooze from the white meat, I would have trouble believing it myself. Luckily I am above nothing, and SEPTEMBER 2015 | 10 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

the saturated chicken dripped right onto the checkered tarp of the dining table. Needless to say, I was impressed.

The side of fries was salty, hot and well cooked: all I ask for in a fry. The Honey Mustard sauce, however, tasted like no combination of honey or mustard from this planet. The sweetness seemed chemical, like melted candy. It had a citric aftertaste, lacked a savory side and I ate every last drop.

The Hibachi Skewers underachieved most impressively, failing on three of four counts. The only partial success was the chicken itself, marinated in a garlic soy sauce and slathered with a suspect miso glaze. The pleasant cornsyrupy sweetness failed to disguise the dryness of the chicken. The half-burnt, half-raw bell peppers saddling up to the skewered chicken also attested to the grill master’s short attention span. The rice lacked salt and flavor and the steamed broccoli pleaded to be put out of its misery. The pita bread was a little burnt and tasted like nothing much. The entrée included a saltbath dipping sauce for applying a layer of sodium flavor, but at what cost?

The Cajun & Chicken Pasta ($12.99) was a solid option, hitting the unctuous alfredo notes it strove for but failing to hit much more. Outside of the pleasant warm richness of cream there was little taste to be found. Still, combine pasta, chicken and shrimp and sometimes cream alone will do the trick. The grilled chicken guy was having a bad night it seemed, as even the decadent cream failed to disguise another appearance by dry poultry.

A cold beer seemed the perfect antidote for the raspy chicken, but be warned—two Stella Artois ran upwards of $15 and a single Bud Light was a cool $5.50. The menu didn’t have prices for its alcohol, making it impossible to tell the cost without asking. This is a cheap move and one of my all-time most despised restaurant gimmicks. As a result I would advise avoiding alcohol completely or asking for prices beforehand, because unlike Applebee’s there’s no reverse happy hour!

WANT TO BE IN THE NEXT TEXAS TOAST? Tweet @StudyBreaks with a restaurant suggestion and reason to visit. If we’re convinced, we’ll take you to dinner and feature the restaurant for our next restaurant review.

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the drought // by: laura valle

San Antonio

FEATURED BAR OF THE MONTH:

HOFBRAU'S

If you’ve ever enjoyed a Dos-a-Rita, the mind-blowing byproduct of upending a beer in a margarita, than you have Hofbrau’s to thank. After tweaking the recipe of a traditional margarita mix and finding custom drinking glasses that are sturdy enough to support the drink’s odd architecture, Hofbrau’s unveiled the perfected Dos-a-Rita in 2010. As a result of its wild success, the restaurant now offers dozens of variations on the original drink, including a Dreamsicle made with Sunkist, a Sake-Rita made with smooth Japanese liquor and two classy options that feature champagne. The signature drinks are delicious, potent and the perfect excuse to visit the biergarten with your friends. While buttoned up during the day, every night after the sun sets college students emerge from the shadows and begin trickling into the outdoor bar.

By twilight, Hofbrau’s has fully transformed into a college bar and the Dos-a-Ritas begin flowing. Eventually all that drinking works up an appetite, prompting patrons to open up the nondrink part of the menu for the first time. It does not disappoint.

Hofbrau’s showcases a strong appetizer selection, including house-smoked brisket nachos and some of the best queso in the city. So order a Dos-a-Rita or two, share some appetizers with your friends and then drunkenly thank @StudyBreaks on Twitter for the suggestion.

Austin

Lubbock

San Marcos

BARBARELLA

CHIMY’S

THE MARC

Barbarella’s is quite possibly the best dance bar in the entire city, no exaggeration. The Thursday Soul Nights at Barbs are an Austin institution, one that UT students plan their weeks around. The music all comes from popular 70s jams like “Respect” and “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” which makes dancing practically inevitable. On Tuesdays they host TuesGayz—a night fun for people of all sexual orientations so as long as they’re fans of Beyonce.

Fridays and Saturdays have a cover, but it will still be overflowing till four in the morning.

Trust me, though: go on Thursdays.

A restaurant overflowing with chimichangas and margaritas, Chimy’s is the promised land for Lubbockites. Their margaritas are the stuff of legend, as Chimy’s has grown into a rite of passage for Tech students.

They’re all named after cars, so take Kanye’s advice: If you can’t afford a Lexus, order a Lexus-Rita. Drink a few too many and simmer down with some soft tacos, one of the greatest drunk foods ever created.

Their green chile pork is masterfully done and will get you salivating way beyond an appropriate amount.

Open until midnight.

After the Memorial Day flooding in Wimberley, the Marc teamed up with local favorite Blue October to raise money for flood relief.

They ended up raising more than $100,000 for relief efforts, which is reason enough to visit the bar. But if philanthropy doesn’t wet your whistle, their weekly specials might: Twerkquila Tuesdays ($1 Dos XX Tall Boys and $1 tequila), Whiskey Wednesday/ Country Night ($1 whiskey and $1 Tall Boys), Thursday college nights ($3 everything) Funktion Fridays (free entry), and Saturday Nights Live (free entry) are all pretty convincing.

Pro Tip If you’re planning to go to Barbarella’s or any bars in the Red River area, stop

by Sidebar first. Its unimposing exterior hides a great backyard patio, and they routinely have local bands playing inside. More importantly, Sidebar serves the strongest mixed drinks in the city, often for just $3. Grab two before going to Barb’s and you’re in for a good night.

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comediocracy by: mark stenberg

They planned to tease voters to the polls by promising the political version of a kamikaze attack: electing candidates ironically.

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COMEDIOCRACY: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TWO JOKE CANDIDATES ARE ELECTED TO STUDENT GOVERNMENT? HISTORY IS MADE.

By Mark Stenberg

Since 2009, the satirical University of Texas publication The Travesty has submitted two of their members to run in the annual Student Government election. The pair traditionally pokes fun at the electoral process, mocking the pseudoseriousness of an election that means little more than several impressive lines on the winners’ resumes.

This year as always, The Travesty campaign started as a joke: Xavier Rotnofsky and Rohit Mandalapu promised cellophane clothing to promote transparency and ran an attack ad against themselves. They promised an on-campus Chili’s and adopted “What Starts Here?” as their campaign slogan. Their comedic material quickly spread across social media, mustering enough laughs to capture 26.9 percent of the popular vote and forcing a runoff election. Their opponent was the Jones-Dargahi campaign, a duo that nearly captured 50 percent of the vote.

With the possibility of elected office now dangling in front of them, RotMan got serious about their joke campaign. They continued pumping out self-deprecating propaganda, appealing to the closeted anarchist in every college student. They planned to tease voters to the polls by promising the political version of a kamikaze attack: electing candidates ironically.

Their pied piper approach worked, coaxing almost 10,000 votes out of the student body. More importantly, their antics and academic background awoke the sleeping giant of the voting demographic—GDIs. Often, students in Greek life dominate Student Government elections. Neither Rotnofsky nor Mandalapu are involved in Greek life and used that fact to their advantage.

They became the darlings of the niche Plan II community and appealed to independent students across the campus.

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comediocracy by: mark stenberg

the statue into the national spotlight. Rotnofsky and Mandalapu, As one might expect, when Xavier Rotnofsky and Rohit found themselves in the national spotlight once again, this time Mandalapu were elected as President and Vice-President in May in a position to make a decision that had massive and complex 2014, the national media began salivating. The story practically political implications. wrote itself: ‘Joke Campaign Wins Election.’ Texas Monthly, USA They acted quickly: in less than a week after the shooting, the Today, and The Washington Post all covered the piece, as did The Student Government had drafted an official petition to remove Dallas News, Huffington Post and Austin Statesman. The Alcalde the statue from campus. It quickly gathered more than 2,500 wrote a detailed piece about the history of joke campaigns at signatures, prompting new UT President Gregory L. Fenves to UT, and The Laredo Morning News wrote about native Laredoan establish a committee of students, faculty and alumni to discuss Rotnofsky that could barely conceal its hometown pride. the statue’s removal. On August 13th, Fenves announced the Across the country, readers luxuriated in the familiar theme Davis statue would be relocated to the Dolph Briscoe Center. of quirky Austinites and their goofy hijinks. The pair took funny Rotnofsky and Mandalapu’s leadership accomplished pictures to compliment the articles written about them that something tricky and seldom-seen: they took popular discontent detailed their outlandish political platforms. At a time of intense and channeled it into real results, forcing some good to come from national tension and political acrimony, RotMan’s David versus the tragic shooting. To do so they navigated institutional racism, Goliath tale was mental comfort food, an elevated form of comic the schizophrenia of southern history and the complicated role relief.

Then some interesting things happened. First, unprecedented rains bombarded central Texas for several The story practically wrote itself: ‘Joke Campaign months. On May 23rd, torrential downpouring and the threat of Wins Election.’ Texas Monthly, USA Today, and The lightning forced the University of Texas Washington Post all covered the piece, as did The to cancel its official commencement for the first time in school history.

Dallas News, Huffington Post and Austin Statesman.

In response, discouraged but ambitious graduates began a grassroots movement to create an of nostalgia in tradition. This kind of terrain routinely trips up unofficial commencement the following night, using the hashtag professional politicians, let alone student ones. #WhatStartsHereIsntStoppedByRain to coordinate the event.

Any single one of RotMan’s three massive successes: Student Marshal Kistner created the “Class of 2015 Unofficial their election, impromptu commencement ceremony or Student Commencement” Facebook page and invited more than removal of the Davis statue, could define a successful career 2,000 students to join. Efforts to get impromptu speakers such for a student political duo. Instead, Rotnofsky and Mandalapu as Jimmy Kimmel, Ellen DeGeneres and Matthew McConaughey return to campus eager to accomplish more. They may have all failed, but in less than 24 hours organizers assembled more been elected ironically, but Rotnofsky and Mandalapu have than 1,500 students, a live band and UT President Bill Powers to become two of the most impactful student leaders the campus unofficially bid the graduates farewell. has ever seen, as their track record proves. Looking back, The event was crowd sourced but Rotnofsky and Mandalapu their election seems less like a joke and more like a stroke played a large role in orchestrating and publicizing the of luck. impromptu celebration. Their connections through The Travesty It is important to remember, though, that despite all their to the Facebook event’s creator, and their large social media successes the most important thing about Xavier Rotnofsky wingspan increased the event’s publicity. They also worked with and Rohit Mandalapu is that they are funny. A very large part UT to arrange for logistical supplies, including diplomas, chairs of RotMan’s success stems from dismantling the separation and speakers. of joke and state. By bringing humor to their politics they Their involvement made the event a success and spurred gain the ability to capture the attention of a shifty, unfocused national news coverage of the heartwarming tale of student student body. Their comedic ability gives them a type of ingenuity. For Rotnofsky and Mandalapu, the commencement political agency that deadpan leaders will never have. marked the second time in months that the pair made national And if there’s anyone who appreciates uncomfortably news—not bad for two joke candidates. In their first test as combining humor and serious issues (this article is a metaPresident and Vice-President,RotMan had succeeded remarkably, example), it’s Study Breaks. In fact, we see a lot of ourselves silencing critics who feared they lacked the capacity to lead. in Rotnofsky and Mandalapu: both underdogs, both tackling Then things got more serious. On June 17th, Dylann Roof important racial and political issues, both with ties to the shot and killed nine members of a Bible study inside a historically publishing industry. We had so much in common that we black church in Charleston, South Carolina. During their invited RotMan to talk about how their fame has changed campaign, Rotnofsky and Mandalapu had promised to remove them. In an exclusive interview with Xavier Rotnofsky and the controversial statue of Confederate President Jefferson Rohit Mandalapu, Study Breaks, as always, didn’t hesitate to Davis that stands on UT campus. Though attention to that issue ask the hard questions. had waned, Roof’s act of terrorism suddenly thrust debate over SEPTEMBER 2015 | 16 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

Mandalapu & Rotnofsky

WHAT STARTS HERE? 1. DO YOU EVER WISH YOU’D LOST

8. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ABOUT GREECE?

16. WHAT’S SOMETHING ABOUT STUDENT

THE ELECTION?

I don’t know enough about anything to give a proper response. I’m sorry.

GOVERNMENT THAT NOBODY KNOWS?

Every other day I wish this. And every other other day I don’t wish this. Every 3rd Sunday and summer equinox I wish this. Most Tuesdays and High Holidays I don’t wish this. When the clock strikes exactly 12:08 AM I wish this. Most times I do not wish this.

2. FILL IN THE BLANK: IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME, YOU’D KNOW _________.

That Bee Movie was released on November 2, 2007.

I once dreamed of being a garbage collector.

Abolish all currency.

9. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO JEFFERSON DAVIS’ GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN? “Oh hello, how are you,” I’d ask.

“It’s alright. We all have racist great-grandparents.”

10. WHAT KIND OF FETISHES ARE YOU INTO? What is that?

3. THERE’S BEEN A LOT DISCUSSION ABOUT

Don’t know what that is.

REMOVING THE JEFFERSON DAVIS STATUE—DO

11. WHAT’S THE CLOSEST YOU’VE EVER COME

YOU PLAN ON REPLACING IT WITH ANOTHER

TO DEATH?

STATUE? I want to remove the Jefferson Davis statue and replace it with a statue of Jefferson Davis, but a different Jefferson Davis—not the leader of the Confederacy.

4. A LOT OF PEOPLE CHANGE WHEN THEY’RE ELECTED TO PUBLIC OFFICE. HOW HAS BEING A POLITICIAN AFFECTED THE WAY YOU TREAT

As my adopted uncle always says: “Death is the absence of life; therefore, life is the absence of death. So what is life but death negated?”

12. HOW MANY SECRET SOCIETY INVITATIONS HAVE YOU RECEIVED? Too many that involve getting peed on. I don’t know what the deal is with that.

THE LITTLE PEOPLE IN LIFE?

13. WHAT’RE THE ODDS ONE OR BOTH OF

I respect all people regardless of height.

YOU IS ASSASSINATED?

5. THE POLITICAL PROCESS OFTEN INHIBITS

Higher than you would think

INNOVATION. IF NOTHING COULD STOP YOU,

1:1

WHAT’S THE ONE THING YOU WOULD CHANGE

14. WHO ARE YOUR ROLE MODELS?

ABOUT UT?

(NOT MOM OR DAD)

I’d make the tower horizontal and convert it into a ship that we can ride onto the Colorado River.

Xavier’s mom and Xavier’s dad

I’d move the university and drill the land for geodes.

6. WHAT SORT OF POLITICAL SCANDAL ARE YOU MOST AFRAID WILL HAPPEN TO YOU? I’m worried that the media find discover my 2nd child.

7. HOW DO YOU PLAN TO MONETIZE YOUR POSITION? Selling indulgences

Rohit’s mom and dad.

15. CONSIDERING ALL THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU’VE ALREADY ACHIEVED, IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THIS GOING TO BE THE BIGGEST SUCCESS IN YOUR LIFE? Some say that I’m currently peaking, but I actually already peaked in 4th grade when I covered “Seven Nation Army” on guitar at the talent show.

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If you whisper a riddle into any member of Student Government’s ear, they are required BY LAW to answer 17. LADIES LOVE A MAN IN POWER— ARE YOU SINGLE????

I wish.

In certain states and provinces of Canada, yes.

18. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VACCINES? Nope. They’re only for hippies.

19. WHAT DIRTY SECRETS ARE YOU HOPING YOU WON’T BE TRICKED INTO REVEALING? That I’m not actually an enrolled student at The University of Texas at Austin. This is off the record, right?

20. WHAT KIND OF GUN ARE YOU GOING TO CARRY ON CAMPUS? A water gun filled only with FIJI water because I’m classy.

21. WHAT’S THE WATERBOARDING POLICY FOR STUDENT GOVERNMENT? Currently there is none. We are open to any and all suggestions.

We waterboard exclusively with Natty Ice, but only if you’ve been a good, good boy.

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The College Student’s Field to Sexual Health: THE STUFF THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS

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PULLING OUT IS BIRTH CONTROL; IT IS NOT GOOD BIRTH CONTROL Despite the rhetoric pounded into the brains’ of students from the moment they sprout pubes, an alarming 60 percent of women admit to using the pull out method instead of contraceptive birth control. It’s incredibly common in college, where sex is often unplanned and between unfamiliar partners.

Pulling out describes the act of a man having vaginal sex but withdrawing his penis before ejaculating. While describing it as a form of birth control seems generous, it’s not as ineffective as you might think. Scientists reason that for those who can pull out perfectly, over the course of a year the method percent of women admit has a 96 percent success rate (success being no pregnancy). For those less to using the pull out talented withdrawers, the method drops to a 78 percent efficacy against impregnation. It’s far more effective than doing nothing, but less effective than instead of contraceptive most everything else. birth control.

However, the method completely fails to prevent the spread STIs. Most disease-causing microorganisms don’t depend on ejaculation for transmission, but ejaculation is the only thing that pulling out prevents. Considering that one in four college students has an STI, it becomes apparent that the method is a pretty thin excuse for sexual responsibility. You might not get pregnant, but you’re likely to wind up with something just as unexpected. If you and your partner have both been checked and cleared of all sexual infections, then go for it: you’ll both stay STI free. Of course, you two could still become one of the 22 of 100 couples that would become pregnant.

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sex education by: Alyssa Padilla

PUTTING ON CONDOMS INCORRECTLY The phrase “when used correctly,” always made laugh. How do you put on a condom on wrong? Apparently, very easily. Condoms are 98 percent effective when applied properly, but there are a million ways to wear a condom incorrectly and only one way to wear it right. Here are a few of the most common mistakes guys make when putting on condoms. Never unroll a condom before putting it on—it reduces the efficacy and makes it nearly impossible to use. You can look and feel for punctures after the condom is on, anyway. Make sure to remove the air from the tip by pinching the reservoir as you unroll the condom, or increase the likelihood of it breaking. If you roll a condom on inside out, throw it away: flipping it the other way and then using it exposes your partner to the potentially dangerous bodily fluids you were trying to avoid in the first place. Make sure to examine the condom for the three D’s: discoloration, dryness and damage. Once you’ve ejaculated, make sure to promptly and carefully withdraw, no loitering! And outside of microwaves, it’s hard to think of a place worse for storing condoms than in wallets—constant agitation and heat destroy their integrity. Keep condoms in your wallet no longer than a week, if at all.

MENSTRUAL SEX According to MensHealth, 75 percent of men think having sex with women on their period is not a problem, but 54 percent of that group would only do it with a wife or a serious girlfriend. Most of the time though, it’s the woman who closes shop during their time of the month. If that changes and you find yourself able to overlook the mess, then there’s a good chance you might really enjoy it.

In fact, menstruation increases estrogen and testosterone levels, allowing for deeper arousal and better orgasms. The blood acts as lubrication and your body naturally increases sensitivity in the vaginal area, so period sex actually creates the necessary conditions for an intensely pleasurable orgasm. It also decrease cramps and discomfort, shortens your period length and your decreases the chance of that of pregnancy. group If you want to try it, experts advise laying a towel on the bed, using a condom and focusing on specific positions that would only put the woman on her back or side. It’s especially important do it with to use a condom when having period sex because the blood heightens the possibility of STIs spreading, and women can a wife or still get pregnant during their period. So, if it’s the right a serious partner and you’re up for it, making love on your period can lead to some of the best sex you’ll have. girlfriend.

of men think having sex with women on their period is not a problem

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MEN FAKE ORGASMS, TOO For eons the faked orgasm has been a tool utilized almost exclusively by women, feigning moans and gasps to serve their nefarious ends. And while nearly 66 percent of women admit to tricking their partner with faked orgasms, new research shows that men are not so innocent themselves. Nearly 25 percent of men admit to having faked an orgasm at some point during their sexual careers. Unlike women, men need the assistance of condoms in order to pull off this sleight of hand. Whereas for women the believability lies solely in their acting skills, the lack of ejaculation can foil a man’s ruse. Adding a condom means that men can effectively disguise whether or not they’ve actually ejaculated, as they simply need to shudder, seize and exhale to convince their partner they’ve climaxed.

It begs the question: why would a man fake his orgasm? There are several possible explanations, the first of which is to end sex that’s taking too long. The average sexual experience typically lasts around five minutes, and if a man feels he’s overstayed his welcome he might pretend to climax to avoid lingering. Men also fake climaxes to preserve their pride, as losing an erection or an inability to ejaculate can humiliate some men. In order to avoid the “what happened” conversation, they choose to simply fake their ejaculation.

Finally—and get this ladies—sometimes men don’t want to have sex. As a result, sometimes men have sex out of obligation and fake their orgasm because they aren’t into it. Whatever the reason, it’s nice knowing that despite the rampant gender inequalities plaguing society, men and women can at least be equally deceptive about their sexual fulfillment.

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sex education by: Alyssa Padilla

DENTAL DAMS AND ORAL SEX

hands of men or taking drugs with severe side-effects.

In reality, the lack of male contraceptives has very little to do with misogyny, at least not anymore. It comes down to a numbers game: one egg versus millions of sperm. And according to Elaine Lissner, the director of the non-profit pharmaceutical industry the Parsemus Foundation, things have changed. Now, men in their 20s are clamoring for oral contraceptives.

According to Lissner, “Young men on the dating market who are concerned about an ‘oops’ with a condom or the pill” are the most vocal advocates of such a drug’s development. And

This one is tricky one for two reasons. First, practically no one uses dental dams. According to a 2005 study, around 2 percent of students have ever used a dental dam, and that number still seems generous. Reason number two: it’s very difficult to gauge the danger of oral sex. Most people engaging in oral sex also participate in vaginal or anal sex, making the incidence of STIs difficult to attribute exclusively to oral sex.

Research suggests that the risk of contracting HIV through oral sex is very low. One San Francisco program studied 198 gay or bisexual men who only had oral sex for twelve months. Nearly 20 percent of the participants performed oral sex on HIV-positive partners, but no HIV transmissions occurred.

Their data led researchers to conclude that there was less than a 2.8 percent chance of infection through oral sex. A 2002 study of 135 HIV-negative Spanish percent chance of infect ion t hrough oral sex heterosexuals in relationships with HIV positive partners studied over 19,000 (woah!) instances of unprotected sex, none of which led to HIV transmission. At the why not? The whole point of condoms is to prevent pregnancy, Oral AIDS Conference in South Africa, scientists estimated the but when contraceptives rely on human administration their risk percentage at 0.04 percent per contact. Despite the scant reliability plummets. Vasectomies have foolproof dependability odds, the CDC has reported several documented cases of HIV but are difficult to reverse, erasing their appeal to young men transmission through oral sex, making scientists quick to who want families later. reiterate that the odds are low, not nonexistent.

For other STIs the statistics are just as cloudy. Theoretically, Fortunately, a promising drug called Vasalgel is slated risk of transmission exists for herpes, gonorrhea, to hit American markets in 2020. The drug acts syphilis, HPV, chlamydia, and Hepatitis A, B, as a sperm-filtering gel, allowing ejaculation and C, with herpes being the most common. No but preventing semen. The process takes fifteen reliable statistics exist for rates of transmission, minutes and involves a doctor injecting a tiny dot but general consensus holds that the chances are of synthetic gel into the vas deferens just outside minimal but existent: oral sex is safer sex, not safe each testicle. Even better, the drug lasts for 10 sex. years with just one application and can be easily So if you use dental dams, good for you. But if reversed with a different injection. you’re part of the 98 percent, avoid giving Unfortunately, yes, it does require two direct oral sex if you have any cuts, sores, or injections into the testicles. But is 10 years of scrapes in your mouth, especially if pregnancy-free sex worth two tiny shots every 10 you’ve recently been to the dentist. testicles years? A complete eradication of teen pregnancy Most importantly—get checked! If and hormone-pumped women would suggest yes. you get checked and have a clean bill The only obstacle is money, as drug trials of health, I’d say you earned some oral sex. run in the millions of dollars and big pharma hesitates to embrace the drug. What sounds like better business: an expensive drug that requires weekly consumption WHY ISN’T THERE A PILL FOR MEN? or a cheap, one-time shot that staves off pregnancy for a decade? Fortunately, the For years, the lack of a male contraceptive drug Parsemus Foundation is pushing Vasalegl’s looked like another part of the patriarchal plot: if women production independently and hopes to begin want to avoid relying on men to wear condoms, then they have clinical trials as early as 2016. 22,000 men to take hormone-altering pills. The dilemma forces women to are already on the waiting list. choose between putting their reproductive assurance in the

SHOTS INTO THE ...

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field guide to college football by: will strecker

RECORD LAST YEAR 4-8

KEY STATS TO AFFECT NEXT YEAR Improvement after a disappointing season

Three players named to preseason all CUSA Young team: only 6 returning starters

Coach Coker admits to complacency last season

The Roadrunners must now cope with a huge roster turnover: they’re losing 37 seniors and returning only 6 starters.

For a young football program entering only its fifth

Bellomy shares the second spot on the depth chart with

season, head coach Larry Coker and the Roadrunners have

Austin Robinson. Whoever eventually claims the starting

Coker’s team improved to 8-4 in 2012, dropped to 7-5 in 2013,

be completely new from a year ago though, so front line

experienced their share of peaks and valleys. After an

expectedly underwhelming 4-8 inaugural 2011 season, and then collapsed to 4-8 last season

in its first year of bowl eligibility. Four years after the team’s inception, the

Roadrunners must now cope with a huge roster turnover: they’re losing 37

seniors and returning only 6 starters.

For the first time in its brief football

history UTSA must rebuild, needing to quickly find a new team identity.

Consistency at the quarterback

position will be key for the 2015

campaign. The team hopes to rebound

after losing their first and second-

string quarterbacks, Tucker Carter

and Blake Bogenschutz, to injuries.

Their absences led the team’s offensive

production to drop 8.5 points a game and their combined passer rating to drop to 119th in the FBS.

Bogenschutz, now recovered from his broken right

hand, is listed as the starter going into the season. Michigan transfer and former Arlington Martin standout Russell

spot will be able to rely on the help of running back and

two-year starter Jarveon Williams. The offensive line will

cohesion will be an important factor

in running the ball.

Aside from personnel changes, the team must overcome last season’s crippling mindset. Coach Coker admitted to a sense of complacency last season, falling into his comfort zone and demanding less from his players. Unlike last summer where expectations for the program included its first ever bowl berth, questions surround the 2015 squad. After steady success in their first three seasons, the team must now adopt an underdog mentality if it hopes to receive a bowl bid. Few expect them to rebound quickly, but if they find their identity and the young players commit, the Roadrunners might get their first taste of the post-season. Besides, even if the Roadrunners struggle again this season, San Antonians can take solace in knowing the Spurs are going to win the NBA Championship in 2016.

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field guide to college football by: will strecker

RECORD LAST YEAR 7-5

KEY STATS TO AFFECT NEXT YEAR Tyler Jones: 6 rush touchdowns, 22 pass touchdowns, both top 40 among FBS QB’s Good secondary, allowed 18 touchdowns (39th) David Mims: 5 INTS (20th in FBS)

Loss of LB David Mayo: (154 tackles, 3 FFs), nation’s 3rd most prolific tackler, Sun Belt Defensive Player of the Year Loss of DE Michael Odiari: (12 tackles for loss) Returning 12 starters

Texas State’s success hinges on the offense’s ability to carry the team until the defense can find its identity.

If UTSA’s 2014 campaign can be characterized as a step backwards, Texas State’s season was undeniably a step forward. Prior to last season, head coach Dennis Franchione altered the offensive scheme, and the switch to an up-tempo attack brought immediate success: the Bobcats saw improvement in almost every offensive category.

Quarterback Tyler Jones exploded on the scene, scoring 6 rushing touchdowns and 22 passing touchdowns, both top 40 stats for all FBS quarterbacks. With another year of experience under his belt and the return of senior running back Robert Lowe, Jones should only improve these numbers.

While the offense seems poised for improvement, the deciding factor looks to be the Bobcat’s defense. The return of senior cornerback David Mims II will allow a

secondary that ranked in the top 40 to remain intact. But the loss of linebacker David Mayo and defensive end Michael Odiari will hurt an already ailing run defense that ranked 86th in the FBS last season. Mayo was the nation’s third leading tackler (154 tackles in 2014) and Mayo led the team in tackles for loss (12 in 2014).

With a depleted linebacker corps, the group will need to rely on their defensive line to keep opponents’ running games in check.

Texas State’s success hinges on the offense’s ability to carry the team until the defense can find its identity—assuming that it does at all. If the offense struggles, the entire season could be derailed. If the defense finds success early on, the team should build off their successful last season and have an even more exciting 2015. If not, go float the river and slap a bag of Franzia.

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field guide to college football by: will strecker

RECORD LAST YEAR 4-8

KEY STATS TO AFFECT NEXT YEAR Defense must improve

2-14 in conference games under Kingsbury Return of DeAndre Washington

Experienced offensive line: 4 returning starters with 98 games experience, 3 seniors

Defensive coach David Gibbs bringing stability and experience to a defense that’s had six different coaching staffs since 2009

In an attempt to improve their atrocious play from last season, Kingsbury brought in defensive coordinator David Gibbs.

The Texas Tech Red Raiders are coming off one of the most frustrating and underwhelming seasons in recent memory. A year after newly hired Kliff Kingsbury led his team to a 7-5 record and a 37-23 Holiday Bowl win over Arizona State, the overhyped Raiders slid to a 4-8 record in 2014. They owe the decline to a lack of discipline and a pitiful defense. Tech’s defense ranked 82nd overall in the FBS and allowed a whopping 41 points-pergame, landing them 126th out of 128 teams in points allowed. Their poor performance ruined the season, and their 82-27 loss to TCU on October 25th testified to their utter ineptitude. It’s safe to assume that every Tech student, fan and alumnus wants to forget that record-setting embarrassment.

Any chance for the Red Raiders to give their fanbase a respectable season relies on the improved play of the defense.

In an attempt to improve their atrocious play from last season, Kingsbury brought in defensive coordinator David Gibbs from the University of Houston in the offseason, Tech’s seventh defensive coach since 2009. In two seasons at Houston, Gibbs developed the defense into a top 20 unit and led the nation in forced turnovers.

Gibbs brings 22 years of coaching experience to the Raiders, nine of which were in the NFL coaching all-time greats like Champ Bailey, John Lynch and Deltha O’Neal. Despite his past successes, Gibbs has his work cut out for him in order to improve one of the worst defenses in the nation.

Fortunately, the defensive secondary will see sophomore cornerback Nigel Bethel and junior safety Keenon Ward on the field. Big 12 sack-leader Pete Robertson will be returning, as will defensive end Branden Jackson. The major question mark for the defense will the linebacker position, where senior Micah Awe is the only experienced player returning.

There is potential behind him in redshirt freshman Dakota Allen and Ohio State transfer and former five-star recruit Mike Mitchell. Gibbs will need to coax greatness out of these players if the defense wants to improve.

On the bright side, Tech can turn to a run game that should dominate in 2015. Senior running back DeAndre Washington is returning, as is an offensive line showcasing four starters who’ve played 98 games together, three of whom are experienced seniors.

Washington, coming off Tech’s first 1,000-yard rushing season since 1998, has his sights set higher in 2015. He hopes to eclipse 2,500 total yards from scrimmage, 1,000 more than he had in 2014. Given that Heisman Trophy finalist Melvin Gordon was the only back to surpass 2,500 yards last season, and only one of only nine to eclipse 2000, it’s a high bar for Washington. Still, if the defense struggles again this year Kingsbury might run the ball to keep opponents’ offenses on the sideline, increasing the likelihood of Washington reaching his goal.

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field guide to college football by: will strecker

RECORD LAST YEAR 6-7

KEY STATS TO AFFECT NEXT YEAR The Swoopes/Heard QB battle Losing 6 defensive starters Year Two of Strong’s reign Malik Jefferson

Realistically, this Longhorn team will likely fail to improve its record from last season.

The University of Texas fanbase is dying for a sign of improvement besides legalizing stadium alcohol. Unfortunately, the upcoming 2015 season will likely follow the format of recent years: initial optimism, nauseating failure and then crippling pessimism. Since Colt McCoy left, the Longhorns have started a giant question mark as quarterback. Inconsistent hardly describes Tyrone Swoopes’ play last season, as the pride of the program vacillated between stunning athleticism and bizarre mental mistakes. Jerrod Heard, a high school standout from Denton Guyer, redshirted last year and teases the possibility of fulfilling Texas’ ancestral claim to Big 12 royalty. Heard outperformed Swoopes in UT’s Spring Game, but he lacks experience and must be developed with an eye to the future.

In addition to the quarterback battle, sophomore coach Charlie Strong must develop a supporting cast around the starter. The loss of wide receivers Jaxon Shipley and John Harris hurts the team, both of whom were All-Big 12 picks. Look for Daje Johnson (who dropped an EP in late July), Marcus Johnson and Armanti Foreman to pick up the slack.

The UT defense lost six starters, sending all of them to promising post-grad careers in the NFL. Their shoes will be

hard to fill. The defense will be young this year, likely fielding up to six freshmen. Although a testament to Strong’s recruiting, critics expect the young group to fall short in comparison to last year’s spectacular Big 12 leading squad. Malik Jefferson, the gifted linebacker from Mesquite Poteet, will likely start as a freshman. (Sidebar: since arriving on campus in January, Jefferson has already put on 20 pounds.) If it’s any consolation, Louisville saw 10 of its 22 starters drafted in 2014. All 22 starters came from Strong’s first recruiting class at Louisville, perhaps an indication of where this team might be four long years from now.

Realistically, this Longhorn team will likely fail to improve its record from last season. The team begins its season by masochistically traveling to South Bend to face a Notre Dame team returning 19 of its 22 starters. Many other teams on the Longhorn’s schedule will also be returning as many or more starters than the Burnt Orange. Texas fans must temper their expectations and realize that this is only Year Two of Strong’s rebuild. Once the young recruits have developed, it’s only a matter of time until Texas returns to powerhouse form. Until that time comes, it’s going to be a painful road littered with disappointment and frustration.

At least now the stadium sells beer.

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START HERE Let me guess: you didn’t open this feature because you were thinking to yourself, “Oh, thank God a college survival guide.” You opened it because you wanted to see what other people think you need to know about college.

The reality is most college survival guides are completely useless. College changes every year so most advice is outdated by the time you hear it. Your parents, the ones who told you to join clubs and sit in the front of the class—they don’t know what they’re talking about. They never used a Google doc to put together a study guide or got university text alerts when a gunman was on campus. They didn’t use Tinder to buy drugs or Yik Yak to flirt at the library, and they definitely didn’t have Hot Pockets or Lime-a-Ritas.

01

Plus, any advice that’s not outdated is probably so generic that it’s useless. Most college guides offer revolutionary ideas like getting enough sleep or eating vegetables. You’ve made it to college but they still think that you’re a three-year-old kid who might eat a light bulb.

At Study Breaks, we know you’re a self-sufficient person. We’re not here reminding you to “get involved” or “explore your campus”: we want to give some advice that’s actually helpful. So, we created a comprehensive list of tips culled straight from the minds of current college students from across the country: the Study Breaks College Survival Field Guide

02

MAKE FRIENDS BY DISCUSSING COMMON INTERESTS A great icebreaker when meeting new people is asking their major. They will be flattered by your curiosity and eager to talk, because chances are nobody has ever asked them that question in their entire college career until this very moment. If you really want some laughs, tell people your major is “partying” with a minor in “turning up.”

Norman Rockwells Tatoo Artist

LOOK AT COOL WEBSITES WHEN YOU’RE ON THE INTERNET IN CLASS

Before class, find cool websites and bookmark them. Come class time, cycle through those bad boys but never—never— look to see if anyone’s watching; it has to look like those are just the sites you always visit. After class you can get on Facebook.

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SNEEZE INTO YOUR ELBOW In 2015, if you’re sneezing into your palm than you’re a bio-terrorist. It’s not about the germs: it’s about other people thinking that you’re not thinking about the germs.

Mindfreak!

USE STRONGER STUDENTS TO GET TO CLASS ON TIME

If you’re running late for class, ask a frat dude for a piggy-back ride to get you there a bit quicker. If you’re late to class, tell someone in your ride’s frat so he is punished.

GET HELPFUL TATTOOS

Never miss a deadline: get your weekly schedule tattooed on your rib cage and your student ID and password on your forearms.

Tell disapproving professors that you’re spiritually Maori and that they’re being discriminatory—it worked for Rachel Dolezal!

study break’s field guide to college survival compiled by: john david white, laura valle, and mark stenberg

PARTICIPATE IN AN “ALL NIGHTER” An “all-nighter” occurs when students with poor time management delay studying as late as possible. If your healthy study habits prevent a naturally occurring all-nighter then create one. Choose a test you can afford to fail and follow the lead of others by feigning stress and anxiety.

Say things like, “I’m totally going to fail this, man” and “I’m such a procrastinator!”

Procrastinators love when other people have made their same bad life choices.

DEVELOP YOUR HAUNTS

Similar to the nest, you must curate a handful of haunts— bars, restaurants, coffee shops—and frequent them.

Over time, your patronage will endear you to the employees, leading to discounts and a sense of community.

More importantly, when you return to campus years later as a grey-bearded alumnus, these places will be gone.

Their absence gives you the opportunity to lament change and gripe about modern society, a timehonored tradition of bitter adults.

GIVE YOURSELF SOME “ME” TIME

DRINK THE PUNCH AT FRAT PARTIES The contributor of this tip has been missing for five weeks.

DRINK RESPONSIBLY

Alcohol consumption can be dangerous. If you feel yourself getting buzzed, chug a Keystone or Natty.

They are much lighter beers and will hydrate you.

If you’re underage, my friend Bug has a great fake ID hookup. I’ll give you his number.

DO THE READING Studying is key. One way to stay on top of all that heavy reading is to ignore it. It will go away.

Don’t know how to read? I honestly don’t know how you got into college. I don’t even know why you opened this magazine and are pretending to read it. Are people watching you, is that why you’re doing this? You have the magazine upside-down! Just kidding, ha!

FIND YOUR STUDY SPOT As the birds of the sky nest, so too shall you. Always go to the same spot on campus when you need to study.

The familiarity and repetition will condition your brain over time. Eventually just the smell of the urine you used to mark your territory will flip your noodle into work mode.

You can nest in a library, bell tower, sewer duct, attic, airplane, teacher’s car, natatorium— whatever. Your nest is home.

NEXT JOIN CLUBS BASED ON WHO’S IN THEM

REFUSE FREE PLASTIC SUNGLASSES

Sound superficial?

You ultimately suffer more wearing them than if you go blind from sun exposure.

Ok! A cute girl you like is into the

environment? What a coincidence—my

father was actually the environment!

The nerdy kid who shares

Calculus X with

you is president of the Young

Democrats? That’s crazy, new nerd

friend, because I

too believe in the presence of the

great Democrat!

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CAMPUS WORKOUT FACILITIES

A great way to meet like-minded students is working out at the campus gym and screaming really fucking loudly during sets, which shows how much you like

working out. People will love your positive attitude and flock to you.

HAVE A FREESHIRT QUOTA

You can get a free shirt every day without trying so designate a limit.

Reach four shirts and then give one away every time you receive one. Without boundaries you’ll wake up one day an old man, surrounded by terrible shirts.

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Pretending the reason you’re alone on a Friday is to give yourself some “me” time?

Get Netflix, it will love you unconditionally.

If a worrisome thought about the future comes up, unplug your brain and bingewatch Property Brothers.

GET YOUR MONEY’S WORTH FROM THE SALAD BAR

It’s important to eat right, but more important to have money—more important than anything! So, if a scale decides the price of your salad bar meal then make sure you eat the heavy things before judgment day.

Find a long line and graze while waiting, blaming the disappearance of your hardboiled egg and cantaloupe chunks on their inefficiency.

LEARN SOME SCHOOL SPORTS Fans of the NCAA skip ahead. If sports nauseate you, Study Breaks still recommends developing at least a cursory knowledge of them, if only for social currency. As a college student, your new ideas and Apple watches will scare adults.

In conversation they’ll seek neutral ground, making small talk about something they think college students still enjoy. Sports seem safe and often come up, so dropping a rehearsed opinion or two will comfort them.

GET A PET

Are you a pet person? Most college dorms don’t allow cats or dogs, so get something quieter and sneakier, like several snakes.

Save money on buying mice by letting them reproduce in your room. Save time on feeding your snakes by letting them hunt freely in your room. Fill your room with mice and snakes.

TEXT IN CLASS

Go for it: it’s 2015 and no one can stop you.

Heck, get your professors’ numbers and text them during class, rubbing in their powerlessness. Reduce them to tears this way and then photograph them, sending those pictures to other professors, saying “You’re next.”

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 39 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

study break’s field guide to college survival compiled by: john david white, laura valle, and mark stenberg

CLASS GAS If you’re tired of holding in gas during long lectures, download a fart noise ring-tone and have a friend call you every five minutes.

Nobody will know if it’s you or the phone farting. Plus, it looks like a lot of people are trying to talk to you: INSTANT POPULARITY.

PLAYING FIFA WILL HELP YOU MAKE FRIENDS

DECIDE YOUR FOOD SHARING POLICY This critical conversation should happen within the first month of living with a roommate. If you both share then everything’s kosher. If you hate sharing, then deny them access to your food. If they hate sharing, furtively steal their food and blame it on the mice and snakes that roam through your room.

WEAR FLIP FLOPS IN COMMUNITY SHOWERS

You know that guy down the hall with an unidentifiable strain of food leprosy who has a necrophilic toe fetish and runs shoeless?

COME BACK ON BREAK AND ACT SUPERIOR TO YOUR STUPID PARENTS One semester of college will convince you

how backwards your parents are, so make sure they know it. They probably haven’t even read Camus! It’s crazy that despite

going to college they still watch Mike and Molly, vote Republican and perpetuate

heteronormacy by wearing their “gender-

appropriate” clothes. They need you to help

them. Convince them to join you in becoming a pacifist, vegetarian, Buddhist communist, anarchist, Greek Orthodox nihilist.

RESEARCH YOUR PROFESSORS

Many online resources rate college teachers, but for our old-fashioned readers nothing

This tip is mostly for guys that play Fifa.

beats the traditional way: implanting them

with a tracking device, following them home and quietly observing them from the bushes for weeks.

WHENEVER ANYONE VISITS MAKE THEM BUY YOU FOOD

BUY A BUNCH OF BLUE BOOKS RIGHT NOW AND THEN SELL THEM

PUT AN EGG IN YOUR RAMEN

FIND A REALLY GOOD SECRET BATHROOM ON CAMPUS

SURVIVE It’s an unwritten rule that if you want to hang out with a college student, you have to feed them. Take advantage of the rule by going out to a nice place, or save money by going to a buffet and eating enough to hold you for weeks, like your snakes.

At 50¢ per book sold at $10 right before the test, you’re looking at a handsome profit.

Your economics teacher may despise your utter lack of moral decency, but they can’t knock your entrepreneurial spirit!

At three meals a day and 160 days in a school semester, you’re looking at around 500 eggs a year. Time to invest in a chicken!

Preferably, this bathroom is near your nest. Or actually, your nest is near this bathroom.

Ideally it has good toilet paper, non-reverberating walls and a view to the outdoors.

Tell no one of this bathroom.

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BEFRIEND SOMEONE WHO OWNS A TRUCK IF YOU HAVE A TRUCK, DON’T READ THIS: everyone who is nice to you does it because

you’re cool! Ok, now that they’re not reading anymore—use people for their trucks. Say

whatever you need to say, but get access to

a truck.

DATE SOMEONE YOUR PARENTS WOULD DISAPPROVE OF If you have cool, hippie parents then date a business major with plans for third-world exploitation laid out by their sophomore

year. For straightlaced, traditional parents, bring home a tattooed woodworker saving money for a trip to Burning Man.

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One day, robots will grade student performance using an algorithm that avoids all subjective bias. They will score essays and projects with the same calculated logic that Scantron machines use for multiple-choice questions today. Every grade will be exactly what the student deserves, reflecting only the test-taker’s grasp of the subject being taught.

Until then though, the opinions, circumstances and personalities of college professors will continue to inadvertently affect students’ grades. Unfortunately, many of these biases are unpreventable: a hungry professor hastily reviewing a paper in order to get to lunch, or a recently divorced professor bitterly reading an essay on Shakespeare’s love sonnets. No amount of precaution or student effort can stop these from happening. As a result, learning to succeed in a world devoid of karmic equality becomes one of college’s most important lessons.

However, some biases can be predicted. With a trained eye, professors prone to certain behavioral patterns can be identified and managed. This list provides instructions for spotting these professors in their natural habitats, as well as tips for handling the eccentricities of several of the most common professorial species. For every teacher whose unknowable personal hatred of puns has sunk your essay from the Title-us Andronicus, there’s another for whom a well-timed pinewood derby anecdote will guarantee an “A.” See a calculus professor wilding out at a football game? Strike up a conversation with him in class next week. Drop one well-researched comment about the quarterback’s pathetic noodle-arm and he might just overlook the difference between your take-home test’s incorrect math and correct final answers. With the correct application, The College Student’s Field Guide to North American Professors will be your key to academic success.

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the college student’s field guide to north american professors by: mark stenberg

Extremely Progressive Hippy Professor ATTRIBUTES: Will consider the class a failure unless they’ve made your worldview more liberal WEAKNESSES:

Incredibly gullible and exceedingly willing to interpret any action as movement of student toward progress

HOW TO HANDLE: Be present in class and participate in all discussions, but remain constantly unconvinced. Take pains to ensure that your unconvinced is distinctly different than your closeminded. If necessary, say, “I’m trying to be openminded, but I’m just not convinced.” Find yourself neither the most liberal nor the most conservative in the class, and routinely defend both points of view. Constantly—and I can’t stress this enough— constantly make it a point to the professor that you want to understand them. The professor needs to really believe that you’re sincerely trying to believe. Also important: never visit their office hours—individual attention will erode your mask of ambivalence. Then, with mere days remaining in the class, make your first and only visit to their office hours. There you must recite a practiced but authentic-sounding epiphany, preferably one “brought on” by something the professor says mid-discussion, increasing the sense of sudden understanding. After that, an “A” will follow no matter what else happens in the class.

he or she will rebuff the idea, leading to option number two: abandon the professor and develop as close of a relationship as possible with the TAs. As close as possible. Burrow your way into their life so inextricably that removing you would destroy them, like a parasite on a host.

Transcribe their notes, think of gift ideas for their anniversary, imitate them to call their parents, be responsible for their medical care: they have to be literally unable to live without you. You essentially want to be Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy or Kathy Bates in Misery. Start as a caretaker and confidant but then gradually leverage your power into an unhealthy dependence. Then, come crunch time, suddenly remove yourself from their life and watch them f lail and gasp without you. Right before their lives have fallen into irreparable disrepair, offer your services again in exchange for a favor.

Incredibly Charismatic but Demanding Professor ATTRIBUTES: Holds students accountable for studying and learning—what the!

WEAKNESSES:

Vulnerable to flattery

HOW TO HANDLE: The appropriate strategy for this military assault is known as a war of attrition, a phrase I ironically learned from an incredibly charismatic but demanding professor. Talk about your own worst enemy, eh, Professor Stoff? Take advantage of the professor’s intelligence by taking copious notes and sprinkling in sporadic nods, but know that the real results come from wearing him down during the one-on-one gab sessions. Innocuous questions about the professor’s undergrad career soon sprout into personal life questions, which eventually blossom into stories that start with, “You know, I’ve never told a student this before.” Ideally, the relationship comes to closely resemble a Harry Potter/Professor Slughorn dynamic. Over time you become like a son or daughter to the professor, and they couldn’t possibly fail their own flesh and blood!

Super Boring Professor Who Doesn’t Post Their Slides ATTRIBUTES: Forces attendance and then lulls attendees into sleep—a classic one-two punch WEAKNESSES:

Susceptible to group efforts

Unintelligible Foreign Professor ATTRIBUTES: Makes learning all but impossible WEAKNESSES:

Incredibly out of touch with society

HOW TO HANDLE: Ideally, try suggesting alternative assignments for yourself, stressing the progressive nature of your ideas with feigned enthusiasm. Your weird American ideas may disorient the professor, causing him to accede to your request out of confusion. More than likely

HOW TO HANDLE: The incredibly boring professor who doesn’t post his slides is one of the greatest villains in the professorial circuit. Disregarding any obligation to make learning enjoyable, these professors drone on monotonously, pacing and gesturing with boring hand movements about boring topics in boring ways.

Since slides aren’t online, students have to go to class.

But the lack of mental stimuli sedates students’ minds, rewarding the effort of attendance with a pleasant but note-less 48-minute nap. Fortunately, it takes just a bit of teamwork to outsmart the system. Develop a group and have one member attend and remain awake during class, using whatever means necessary to remain alert. Then take notes in class that can be shared digitally. The sacrificial lamb rotates through the group, with everyone attending class once every two weeks. In the end, the group gets maximal note output with minimal time input. Another victory of technology over work ethic!

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Slacker Professor ATTRIBUTES: Unpredictable, volatile and emotional—a wild animal WEAKNESSES:

Constant desire for affirmation

HOW TO HANDLE: Don’t be fooled: slacker professors are the human equivalent to the hypnotic cobra or beautiful poisonous frog. Their enticing nature is their greatest weapon. These professors feel slighted by the system for any of a dozen reasons.

Often the university track has betrayed them or their scholastic peers fail to respect them. Occasionally— and this is the most dangerous of them all—they want to be the cool professor. The cool professor wants the students to know that they think tests are stupid too, so no tests! And homework? Who needs

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the college student’s field guide to north american professors by: mark stenberg it! But lost amid the cheering of the classroom is the assignment of some arbitrary, impossible final project. It’s in this crucial assignment where the professor’s characteristic rogue side will flare up.

All too comfortably, the class slips into the disarming ease of Biology for Non-Science Majors or Modernist Literature, only to find themselves ripped to shreds at the end of the year. The professor will validate his actions by convincing himself he’s taught a life lesson more valuable than the class. “You shouldn’t have waited till the last minute,” he’ll say, “Links I send to semester finals aren’t always going to work.”

The only defense is a constant onslaught of empathy to the teacher’s cause: they don’t get paid enough, Brecht is underappreciated and school shouldn’t be about test scores. If they think you’re their ally, you might have a chance at escaping the coming GPA genocide. Still, your best option is to transfer classes the moment the professor suggests that a class vote determine the syllabus.

Graduate Student Teacher ATTRIBUTES:

Mom Professor

swore.” Your only chance of survival is downcast eyes and an air of shame, constantly apologizing for your mispronunciations while paradoxically speaking as little as possible. You are a dog in a cage trying to look pitiful in order to get adopted.

The sadder you act the better your chances. Think for no second that you will ever win the professor’s admiration, instead focusing on earning their pity and hopefully the mercy of a good grade.

ATTRIBUTES: Your final grade depends solely on the strength of your personal relationship to her WEAKNESSES: She loves you

HOW TO HANDLE: Go for the jugular: forget your old mom—this is your new mom now. Make it a priority to give this matronly moose an emotional muffin and you’re guaranteed a good grade. The more you let her into your life the more eloquent her future letters of recommendation become. Attend office hours and immediately derail any academic conversation by discussing your goals and hobbies, even just what you did over the weekend. She just needs to know that she’s someone you trust. She knows that college can be hard and that if you ever need anything you shouldn’t hesitate to ask. Soon, she’ll confide in you about academia, her personal life and even other students. This opens up the possibility of blackmail, but that’ll be unnecessary given the maternal love blinding her to your poor academic performance.

A dangerous combination of fresh idealism and youthful energy WEAKNESSES: Fear of failure

HOW TO HANDLE: Graduate student teachers may act nonchalant but at their core lies a very complex fear: they are nerds and nerds love school. But, if they are bad teachers then they disgrace the very institution to which they have sworn their lives. Nothing chills them to the bone quite like an unanswered question lingering in the air or a lack of volunteers to read the first passage. They carve time out of their schedule for office hours because that time is so critical for students to really get at the foundation of the issues being discussed in class. But when no one shows up, they begin to panic. After all, they’re only a few years older than you are—they don’t have any idea what they’re doing. What if they were never meant to be teachers? What if this was all just a big mistake? What if their dad was right when he said that studying Early Modern English after the Great Vowel Shift was a bad idea?

Their panic is your cue. Once you see the fear in their eyes, ease in with just a little participation and gradually increase your involvement, taking care to avoid overwatering their sapling optimism. If they’re desperate enough, raising your hand and contributing will guarantee an “A,” their old apartment and a place in their wedding. They’ll chalk up your contributions to their teaching skills, thinking that they might not be so bad at this teaching thing after all!

The Legitimately Eccentric Professor Foreign Language Professor Whose Language You’re Butchering ATTRIBUTES: Will constantly hate your terrible accent and pronunciations, considering your every word an insult to their life’s work WEAKNESSES: Has given up

HOW TO HANDLE: Unless you’re that loathed student who already knows the language and is taking the class for an easy grade, you’re doomed. There’s literally no way to win. Although most language professors hate their students, the phenomenon is most extreme with French professors and teachers of less popular languages such as Serbian or Telugu, which students often take ironically. These professors have devoted their lives to studying a language, working their way to the top of the academic ladder through years of intense labor, and you just pronounced “bon soir” as “bone

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ATTRIBUTES: Most likely not good at teaching WEAKNESSES:

Doesn’t care that much about teaching

HOW TO HANDLE: First, these professors are rare and should be treasured if encountered. Professors that contrive eccentricity are abundant on college campuses and are unavoidable, but the honest-togoodness really weird people who occasionally fall into teaching positions—they are tiny little miracles. These professors forget to show up for classes, teach outside so they can smoke, wear sunglasses indoors, mandate class meditation, take their shirts off in class, disagree with textbooks and mutter to themselves during lecture. They are why you go to college. What they lack in teaching skills, they make up for in actual knowledge. If you’re able to pry some of that intelligence from their cluttered mind then all the better. Honestly though, just take in the experience. If you ever come across one of these academic unicorns it’s better than an “A.”

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fashion forward //by: karinna lopez

BACK TO SCHOOL Get inspired by statement pieces like a necklace or good pair of jeans.

Focus on finding items that fit your body well and go with what makes you feel good. Make sure you’re comfortable in what you’re wearing because you’ll be walking from class to class in that outfit all day.

Personally, I get inspired by my style crush Alexa Chang and try to create outfits similar to hers. Find what you like and create outfits based on your individual style. Assembling the right outfits for class shouldn’t be stressful: keep it simple (less is more), transition your summer clothes into fall (a great technique for getting your money’s worth out of clothing), invest in a cool pair of kicks (your feet will thank you) and most importantly, find a stylish (yet functional) backpack.

RIGHT PACK BACKPACK $58 jansport.com

HUF X BRONZE CLASSIC HI $90 hufworldwide.com

HAWKINGS MCGILL STRETCH SKINNY CHINO PANT $54 urbanoutfitters.com

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fashion forward //by: karinna lopez

CLASSIC (BLACK) $30.00 ripndipclothing.com

LEVI’S 510 NIGHTSHINE SKINNY JEAN $49 outfitters.com

POLO RALPH LAUREN CLASSIC COTTON CHINO SPORTS CAP $39.50 dillards.com

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SELECTED HOMME NAVY GEO

ALL STAR HIGHTOP SNEAKER

CASIO GOLD FACE WATCH

$85 topman.com

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ECOTE CARLIN ROMPER

BDG CANVAS BACKPACK

ASOS FENYA SANDALS

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college student’s field guide to on-campus edibles by: mark stenberg

The College Student’s Guide to On-Campus Edibles

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college student’s field guide to on-campus edibles by: mark stenberg

Although I usually avoid promoting culinary trends to college students, there’s a strong case to be made for foraging.

Hunter-gatherer jokes aside, the ability to identify local plants and the desire to serve them has become commonplace within the gastronomic community. Chefs describe foraging as eating hyper-locally, an intensification of the “eat local” movement.

It means utilizing not just what grows in your state, but what grow in your backyard.

The result: fresher foods with a stronger sense of place.

Fernando Arias is a chef at qui in Austin, a nationally renowned restaurant that emphasizes locally grown and foraged ingredients in its cuisine. Restaurants cooking at the highest level refuse to use anything less than the best products available, as they know that compromising on the components of a dish lowers its potential. “As far as cooking with local foods,” says Arias, “they’re just a much, much higher quality than imported ingredients.”

Given the same product—one grown locally and one imported—chefs will almost always choose the local ingredient. “If you have a tomato that someone grew in Austin,” explains Arias, “it’s just always going to be fresher than one imported from Florida. You don’t have to transport it, which means you get it days sooner.” In the culinary world, days make all the difference.

As a result, some of the best restaurants in the world routinely forage for their ingredients. They get fresher product, yes, but it’s more than that. Chefs go through the extra effort because foraged products differ from locally grown products in that they thrive naturally in an area, giving them a geographic idiosyncrasy. The appropriate term for this phenomenon is terroir, a word that describes the complex relationship between place and taste. Unfortunately, most chefs lack the required time or knowledge needed to forage their own ingredients.

So, they turn to farmers. Dorsey Barger is an urban-farmer in Austin and coproprietor of HausBar Farms, a sustainable urban farm that offers vacation rental space, day camps and workshops. She supplies many high-end restaurants in Austin with vegetables and lesser-known edibles.

“The problem is,” says Barger, “there’s going to come a day when the factory farming system can longer sustain itself.

If we don’t have people who are educated about what we can eat around us, then as a society we’re in a lot of trouble.” Barger quickly distances herself from doomsday types, acknowledging that any monumental shift in agriculture will likely take place a century from now.

To her though, that makes the knowledge even more important. “This education about what is edible around us needs to be preserved,” she says, unaware of her pun. “We need to be able to reteach ourselves how to eat from things that want to grow.” Cultivating lesser-known, naturally occurring edibles is more than apocalypse insurance for Dorsey: she takes a huge enjoyment in growing plants that most people have forgotten they can eat.

Unsurprisingly, restaurants love her. A chef having exclusive product to cook with is like an artist having exclusive colors to paint with, and qui uses Barger like their secret weapon. Every week she brings in leaves, plants and flowers that no one in the city gets but them. “We basically buy everything she brings in regardless of what it is,” says Arias.

Dorsey’s produce makes it onto some of the most revered tasting menus in the country, partially based solely on the rarity of the product. “Right now she’s bringing in okra flowers,” Arias says. “There’s really no reason for anyone to sell [them] because you pretty much have to lose the okra to get it.

But Dorsey thinks they’re cool.”

These exotic ingredients provide chefs with more options, upping the ceiling of each dish. “The sauté cook fried [an okra flower] the other day and it was amazing— like tempura on the outside but gooey on the inside like okra,” Arias says. And while okra grows throughout the south, a lot of Dorsey’s product is indigenous to the central Texas area. That means the restaurants that use her edibles are some of the only places in the country to eat it.

Working with Barger has introduced Arias and other chefs to an entire world of local edibles, many of which grow wild throughout the city. “I’ll be cooking for my girlfriend and go outside,” says Arias, “and I’ll see some oxalis. Maybe it’s not a huge part of the dish but I’ll rinse it off and put it in a salad. It’s got a crazy lemon flavor that’s amazing.”

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$120 tasting menu grow in parking lots throughout Texas. “I mean it’s kind of silly that we have to pay for them obviously,” says Arias, “but we do such big volume that I don’t have the time to pick a pound of henbit.” It’s not just qui and it’s not just Texas: people across the world are paying top dollar to eat plants that grow in their front yard.

Purslane grows in the cracks of the sidewalk in front of the UT Co-op and Turks Caps surround a UTSA parking garage.

Sorrel grows along the banks of the San Marcos River and gardeners mix oxalis in with bedding plants at Texas Tech. College campuses are teeming with edible plants so delicious that the best restaurants in the country pay top dollar for them—you just have to know what they look like. As Arias says, “You can eat the world around you.”

In that spirit, Study Breaks has created a field guide of forageable plants that grow on college campuses in Texas. These carefully curated edibles are an assortment of shoots, fruits and leaves that satisfy the holy trinity of foraging: they’re wild, tasty and very convenient.

The guide focuses on convenience, as no lazier demographic exists than the 18-23-year-old college student. The sloth of this age group is legendary, especially when it comes to cooking. Many college students would skip a meal rather than cook one, and I have witnessed my friends ordering Jimmy Johns while Jimmy Johns sat in their fridge. Trust me, I realize that people who eat uncooked ramen to save two minutes of cooking time are unlikely to wander the woods searching for begonia petals.

But that’s the beauty of foraging: if done right, it’s the easiest way to feed yourself. It requires no grocery shopping and no cooking. You’ve most likely passed dozens of edible plants as you walk to class. The only thing preventing you from delicious free food is the inability to identify it.

The Study Breaks Field Guide for OnCampus Edibles will eliminate that problem, making feeding yourself as easy as plucking persimmons off the tree near the San Jacinto parking garage. You can eat Turks Caps at crosswalks, loquats in hot tubs, Lambs Quarters at ACL and green garlic at the north entrance of Texas State Tubes. It’s all delicious and all completely free. Just make sure to double-check what you grab and wash it before you eat it.

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college student’s field guide to on-campus edibles by: mark stenberg

THE STUDY BREAK’S FIELD GUIDE FOR ON-CAMPUS EDIBLES

filled with hundreds of Turk’s Caps to restaurants throughout Austin, leaving unlucky prep cooks to painstakingly deflower the tiny petals.

PURSLANE SORREL On a bachelor party canoe trip down the San Marcos River, the canoe containing all our food capsized several times and waterlogged our supplies.

When we finally stopped for the night, the only thing that survived was the alcohol. Luckily, sorrel dotted the tiny island where we camped. All night we dined on the bright, lemony plant and drank, which might explain the euphoric feeling I associate with eating it. The leafy green looks like spinach and is edible raw. It can be cooked but becomes a nasty brown color when exposed to heat, so aim for raw or light preparation.

WOOD SORREL/OXALIS Referred to in the culinary world as oxalis, the tiny clover-resembling leaf is a part of the aforementioned sorrel family.

It has trifoliate leaves, each of which is heart-shaped and adorable. Wood sorrel is the most common type of sorrel and is often used as a bedding plant. So if you’re looking at a flowerbed and see cute threeleafed plants, you’re most likely looking at oxalis. Cooks often use oxalis to garnish dishes because of its petite figure and tart, lemony flavor, so go ahead and pluck some to garnish your Cabana Bowl.

Often considered a weed, this succulent hugs the ground like a delicious net. Purslane is also incredibly nutritious, containing more omega-3 fatty acids than any other leafy vegetable, in addition to a high concentration of Vitamins A and C. More importantly it is delicious and can be eaten raw, stir fried or lightly cooked. It makes a wonderful base for a salad because the entire plant is edible, including the stalk and leaves. Purslane is tender but firm and has a refreshing snap when broken.

Restaurants throughout the country feature purslane during its growing season, and you can find it at local farmer’s markets and in parking lots.

LAMBS QUARTERS Barger thinks that these green weeds are the most underrated wild edible in the state. “Lambs Quarters are the only leafy green plant that grows in Texas during the heat,” she says. “If you’re trying to eat locally during the summer these are your only option for leafy greens. Kale, chard and spinach don’t grow well in the heat.” Lambs Quarters’ leaves always look dusty due to a white coating but they’re fine to eat raw. Although sturdier than spinach, they can be cooked in many of the same ways: Barger suggests a simple sauté with garlic and salt. The smallest leaves on the stalk are the most tender and make for a perfect addition to a salad.

TURK’S CAP These beautiful bell-shaped flowers are perhaps the most proliferate edible on this list: a trained eye can find Turk’s Cap bushes nearly anywhere in the state. Simply pluck the tiny red flower off the stem, pull out the stamen, remove the petals from their base and eat. In the spring, Turk’s Cap petals taste incredibly sweet, and in Mexico the flowers are called manzanilla. Their sweetness mollifies as the heat increases but they’re worth eating any time you spot one. Barger brings plastic bags SEPTEMBER 2015 | 56 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

WILD GARLIC Wild garlic and wild onions are easily confused, but the good news is that it doesn’t really make a difference.

The best way to tell is their stalk: round and hollow means wild garlic; flat and broad means wild onion. Either way, if the plant you pull up has a white bulb and smells oniony then you can eat it—

and should! Pull them out of the ground and chew on the garlicky stalk if you’re looking to stay single, or barbecue or grill them whole with olive oil and salt.

PRICKLY PEAR FRUIT

DANDELION GREENS Dandelion greens are the plant version of the ugly but intelligent sibling that everyone ignores. Every human on Earth is familiar with the innocent joy of blowing dandelion seeds into the air, but very few have taken the time to get to know the greens behind the flower.

Dandelion greens are one of the most nutritious greens available, boasting a full DV of Vitamins K and A, in addition to fiber, iron, calcium and a million other things. They are, if we’re being completely honest, a little bitter (as they should be, considering their sibling’s popularity!). Bitterness means a high presence of antioxidants and vitamins, but that’s irrelevant if the plant tastes terrible. Fortunately, a quick sauté or blanch will leach the unpleasant taste and still retain most of the health benefits. Cutting the greens into small portions and mixing them in with salad also works well if you’re looking to eat them raw. Any way you slice it, dandelion greens are everywhere and they’re incredibly healthy.

Harvesting prickly pear fruit is the most dangerous task on the list, but it’s also the only one that leads to alcohol—a classic pairing. The only thing standing between you and homemade prickly pear margaritas are tiny, fiberglasslike needles on the mahogany cactus fruit. Most experts suggest using tongs to remove and handle the fruit, but anything that prevents your skin from touching the bulbs will work. Using tongs or gloves to handle the fruit, cut off the tips and then cut away the hard casing to reveal the sweet treasure within. Puree and strain the fruit to create prickly pear juice. If you want margaritas, use some of the juice to make a prickly pear simple syrup, and then go ahead and die because that’s the best thing you’ll ever taste in your life.

Legend has it that amaranth was so important to the Aztecs that when Cortes arrived he destroyed all the granaries storing its seeds and declared growing it a crime. As a result, the delicious leaf nearly disappeared as a food source. Luckily the hardy plant grows voraciously anywhere it can, and chances are you’ve seen it growing through a crack in the sidewalk. The beautiful plant has dozens of variations, but one red-hued species is particularly well received in the culinary community for its vibrant coloring and peppery taste.

PERSIMMONS

LOQUATS

Loquats were the first foraged fruit I ever ate. At the time I had no idea what they were or whether they were safe, but it was fruit hanging from a tree in my friend’s backyard and I was ten. These delicious, sour fruits grow all throughout Texas in the spring. They are delicious when picked straight from the tree and are truly the people’s fruit.

AMARANTH

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Despite the fact that persimmons are native to Texas, the most commonly consumed variety is the Fuyu, a Japanese species. One tree near the San Jacinto garage on the UT campus bears these beautiful real-life emojis. They are light orange with tiny stems that must be removed before eating, and must be eaten only when they are incredibly ripe. Otherwise the fruit’s high level of tannins produces an unpleasant mouthfeel. I recommend peeling away the skin although it’s not necessary: simply slice and enjoy, taking care to avoid biting the seeds.

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graduate studies

/ PROFILING INTERESTING ALUMNI

by: mark stenberg

NATHAN CHRISTIANSON Unlike most farmers, Nathan Christianson started his career by going to the University of Texas on a track scholarship. He ran cross country, as well as the 5,000 and 10,000 meter on the track. His body shows it: the tall, lanky, tan and longhaired 23-year-old looks and runs like Steve Prefontaine with a leather patina.

Every day of college for more than two years Christianson ran every morning, went to school and ran every night. The sport dictated his diet and schedule, controlling when he took classes, who he befriended, what he did and where he lived. Despite his commitment, he suffered nagging injuries the entire time. Hip and knee issues limited him, and over time the sacrifice became greater than the reward. Midway through his junior year, Christianson quit the team.

“For the first time since middle school,” he says, “I wasn’t focused by running. All of a sudden I had this huge void in my life.” He was happier but the shift forced a psychological detox.

Abandoning the rigidity of his structured lifestyle in exchange for complete freedom unsettled him. Christianson didn’t know what to do with himself.

“I wasn’t really ever planning on being a farmer,” he explains. His interest took root when some classes about the food system piqued his interest. “I was volunteering with Johnson’s Backyard Garden in Austin and just got more into farming,” he explains. For the first time since middle school, Christianson got to decide what he did with his time.

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That summer he took advantage of his new freedom. “I was like, ‘Oh, I don’t have to train and stay in hot-as-shit Texas over the summer,” Christianson laughs. “I’m going to Montana.” He connected with Ten Lakes Farm in Eureka, Montana, and spent his summer working. He intentionally maintained a healthy skepticism about

“I was like, ‘Oh, I don’t have to train and stay in hot-asshit Texas over the summer,” Christianson laughs. “I’m going to Montana.”

the longevity of his newfound passion, but he knew it was the real thing. “I came back to school in August, and after that experience I knew I wanted to put my energy into farming,” Christianson says. “I did everything I could to graduate that fall.”

Christianson scheduled an intense semester for himself that fall and in December 2013 he graduated with a degree in Geography. He returned to Montana to work for the same farmers as he had the summer previous. They had moved an hour south to Whitefish, Montana, and renamed their farm Two Bear Farm.

Whitefish is a city of 6,000 in Flathead County, about an hour’s drive from Glacier National Park. At Two Bear, Christianson received an entirely different education. “I would say to the owner that I was in farm college and that this was the Harvard of farm colleges,” Christianson jokes. He underwent two intense instructional seasons before moving 30 miles south to Kalispell to join

his girlfriend on a different farm.

The new farm is significantly different. “It’s way smaller,” Christianson says. “I would definitely call it a boutique farm.” The three-acre organic farm foregoes synthetic herbicides and fertilizers, and the only machinery they have is a 1948 Ford 9N tractor. “We still cut down our cover crops with scythes,” says Christianson. “For a farm of our size that’s actually pretty common, though. It’s not a high-revenue operation so they don’t have the capital to put into machinery upgrades.”

In order to work as efficiently as possible, Christianson focuses on his perspective. “I like looking at farming like links in a chain: every task consists of multiple smaller tasks,” Christianson explains. “If you zoom out, the entire season is just interconnected activities. You have to make those links as efficient as possible on a microscopic level.”

The same is true for running.

“They’re super similar,” Christianson says. “When I ran, my training was very regimented and scheduled. Farming is consistency each day: when you water the plants, you water them the same way every day; when you’re running and you warm-up, you warm-up the same way every day. It’s all ritual, really.”

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Like running, the commitment is half the battle.

Christianson and his girlfriend are looking into buying land and starting a farm of their own, but buying a farm is life-changing. “Right now, because it’s not my farm, we get the weekends off,” Christianson says, adding, “but when you buy land it’s like getting married. When your friends are all going to Seattle for the weekend, you’re like, ‘I can’t, I gotta water my eggplant.’”

The time-commitment and massive capital investment discourage young farmers, but Christianson is certain of his decision. “My dream is to create a farm that provides a year’s worth of income in less than a year,” he says. “One where you and your family make most of your money over the summer so you can ski in the winter.”

The goal is entirely feasible: Christianson already visits home in the offseason because winter prevents farming.

His family in Port Aransas appreciates the visits, especially after realizing the strength of Christianson’s conviction to farm in Montana. They had good reason to doubt him, though. “My family had a pretty good garden when I was growing up,” Christianson laughs, “but my dad could never get me to weed it. So they joke about that a lot.”

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 62 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 63 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

the biergarten

| “SPRECHEN SIE BIER?”

by: mark stenberg

When it comes to drinking, the Germans have it pretty well figured out. Centuries ago they discovered that serving warm, salted pretzels and spicy grilled meats alongside their delicious beers produces one of the most pleasurable states of euphoria man can attain. Thus, the biergarten was born. San Antonio’s own version carries on the tradition of serving great food and drink, paying homage to the German heritage of San Antonio.

BIERGARTEN DAS BIER The Riverwalk in San Antonio may feature some of the best Mexican food in the country, but nestled a mere block away from the chaos Biergarten boasts the best German beer selection in the city. First, choose between a pint, half liter and liter, and then enjoy your choice of everything from the comfortable Ziegenbock to adventurous Straropramen—all for around $6. The bar also offers a huge list of bottled beers, including the delicious Dog Fish Head 60 Minute IPA and very popular Hofbrau Hefeweizen, both for $5.50. Also available: Bier Paddles, Bier Cocktails and Deutscha-Ritas—perfect for groups!

DAS LOCATION

A biergarten is not a biergarten if it’s not in a beautiful outdoor location, and the Riverwalk provides the perfect location. A minute from the Alamo but shaded and secluded by live oaks, The Biergarten is the perfect getaway to escape the touristy madness but enjoy all the energy. With umbrellas, waterfalls, beautiful foliage and the San Antonio River, it’s exactly how the first Texan Germans would’ve wanted it.

DAS OKTOBERFEST

Every Friday and Saturday night, the Biergarten has live music playing outdoors, and every Sunday they feature traditional German music. But the main attraction every year is Oktoberfest, and there’s no place better to celebrate than at Biergarten.

The bar offers Oktoberfest-themed karaoke, the best German food in the city, and live singing and dancing during this wonderful, beer-laden celebration.

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 64 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

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SEPTEMBER 2015 | 65 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

rooftop

| END YOUR NIGHT THE RIGHT WAY

by mark stenberg

Rooftop on the Square originally spun off the wildly popular Rooftop in Austin, but with a little room to stretch its legs, the baby-brother bar has become the number one party venue in the city. The architectural icon has become Texas State’s own 6th Street all by itself, boasting two stylish outdoor areas—a balcony and a porch, catering to clientele elevation preferences—and a massive indoor bar.

THE ROOFTOP

DRINK SPECIALS Every Tuesday, Lone Start your night off right with $1 Tall Boys—the price that God intended Lone Stars to be before the free market economy ruined everything. And if Tuesdays don’t fit the schedule, then come out for College Night on Thursdays, where $5 liquor pitchers, $3 Fireball and $10 buckets live in harmony. If neither Tuesday nor Thursday works, then come to The Rooftop as quick as possible to draw up a more accommodating schedule, maybe over a delicious craft beer?

PARTIES

All too often, the temptation to throw the biggest party of the year strikes, but the same problem always arises: a lack of cool bars that can host it conveniently and affordably—but worry no more. Rooftop will practically throw the party for you. Actually, they’ll throw a party for anyone! The Rooftop has multiple large-party options, all of which guarantee the host a seat in party heaven, ranging from renting out the whole bar to accommodating Bachelorette parties. Have a job? Suggest an office party at Rooftop and start counting the seconds until that promotion comes along.

THE SPACE

The Rooftop’s outdoor areas may seem minimal, but that’s because they’re camouflaging themselves from patio rookies.

A great outdoor haunt combines cool summer breezes, cold drinks, great views and a subtle buzz of conversation into a near nirvana of the senses, and Rooftop practically wrote the book on ambiance. The beautiful outdoor areas are perfect for a chill beer with friends, or a less chill dozen beers with soonto-be friends.

THE VAPSHOT

Pronounced vape-shot, the hottest alcohol consumption device since Miller Lite’s Vortex Bottle is undeniably the most ground-breaking way to drink without drinking in history.

Instead of the familiar stomach burn of a shot, Vapshot is inhaled, spreading an immediate and unique buzz throughout the body.

And take a wild guess what bar on the Square had it first .

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 66 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

birthdays • team building events • sorority outings family gatherings and more

CONTACT to make arrangements for your next party!

(512) 213-6960

1104 Thorpe Ln, San Marcos, TX 78666

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 67 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

20 can’t miss events // compiled by: laura valle

THE INFORMER’S ALMANAC ART

•UTOPIA FEST

experience Utopia? Well now you can! Come to Utopia Fest and finally see why we need to prevent dystopia.

•NAUGHTY BITS THE NEW MOVEMENT DOWNTOWN, AUSTIN, TX 09/06 Comedians talk

ASCARATE PARK, EL PASO, TX 09/05-09/06 Even though the music starts at 5:00 you’ll want to bring SPF 1000 sunscreen. Be prepared to slowly melt as EDM music plays in the background.

SPORTS/OUTDOORS

TALK

MUSIC

•AUSTIN FREE DAY

•DRIPPING WITH

If you thought about learning how to do yoga but didn’t want to pay for a class, now is your chance. Watch out, though—they’ll get their money by charging for the boxed coconut water.

Although the name

TASTE FESTIVAL

PARTICIPATING STUDIOS IN AUSTIN, TX 09/07

Ever wanted to

FESTIVAL

FOOD & DRINK

OF YOGA

UTOPIA, TX 09/05-09/06

•SUN CITY MUSIC

FILM

about embarrassing sex stories and give romance tips to those willing to pay $5 for sex advice from comedians.

•PASSION PIT –

HOUSE OF BLUES HOUSTON TX 09/08

Nothing better than eating food and then listening to good music.

Go make your pits passionate with dancing.

509 MECER ST, DRIPPING SPRINGS, TX 09/12

•CHRIS BROWN: ONE HELL OF A NIGHT TOUR

GEXA ENERGY PAVILION, DALLAS, TX 09/10 (Music) Will the Chris Brown domestic violence jokes ever stop? Beats us!

•MCNAY•2ND• THURSDAYS

MCNAY ART MUSEUM, SAN ANTONIO, TX 09/10 Pretend you’re a classy old white lady who looks at art and drinks Chardonnay in a fancy museum while secretly remembering her lover from the Titanic.

•ALAMO CITY COMIC CON

HENRY B. GONZALEZ CONVENTION CENTER, SAN ANTONIO, TX 09/11-09/13 Meet the man who wrote the comics that inspired your Cosplay fantasies, and then pass a note telling him where he can meet you later.

sounds sketchy, the food should be solid.

•FREE EXTREME COUPONING WORKSHOP

HOLIDAY INN AUSTIN NW, AUSTIN, TX 09/22

The fact that this exists really unsettles me.

•CAPTIVATE

CONFERENCE 2015

•LIFE IN COLOR LUBBOCK

LONE STAR AMPHITHEATER, LUBBOCK, TX 09/12 From personal experience, Life in Color is something everyone should experience at least once. Actually, no, once was definitely enough. If you stand in the front be prepared to be pushed and have your hair feel like slime.

•31ST ANNUAL

TEXAS STATE FOREST FESTIVAL GEORGE H. HENDERSON JR. EXPO CENTER, LUFKIN, TX 09/16-09/20 Think it’s ironic that a Forest Festival is held inside an Expo Center?

Go voice your opinion to the strong, bearded lumberjacks with axes and bloodhounds. They appreciate irony.

ST. EDWARD’S UNIVERSITY, AUSTIN, TX 09/18-09/20 A meeting of the greatest minds in the film, mobile, music and video game industry, Captivate Conference represents all the innovation and collaborative thinking that everyone skips at SXSW. Austin’s Google Fiber guru Mark Strama will be there, so you can tell him you’re eating old computers to get more Google Fiber in your diet.

•PLANO BALLOON FESTIVAL

PLANO CENTER, PLANO, TEXAS 09/18-09/20

Go reminisce on what could have been had the operators of the Hindenburg thought about someone besides themselves for just once in their lives.

•STATE FAIR OF

•FOOD TRUCK

Tex, nothing says Texas is the greatest state in the nation like the state fair.

If not, move on.

•GALVESTON

STREET FESTIVAL

TEXAS

FAIR PARK, DALLAS, TX 09/25-10/18

•ZEDD: TRUE

COLORS TOUR AUSTIN 360 AMPHITHEATER, AUSTIN, TX 09/24

While the music might be similar, Zedd’s tour is not a rave so please don’t wear a bead mask.

•COMAL COUNTY FAIR & RODEO

COMAL COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS, NEW BRAUNFELS, TX 09/23-09/27

Nothing better than eating animals while petting animals. The top of the food chain can be a confusing place.

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 69 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

Home of incestuous OU fans, fried oil and the maleficent ghost of Big

ISLAND WILD TEXAS SHRIMP FESTIVAL DOWNTOWN GALVESTON, TX 09/25-09-27 Ditch the studious, curfew-abiding tame shrimp and sneak out of the house with your dad’s keys to meet up with some real wild shrimp. Those shrimp know how to party!

EXTRAVAGANZA SANTA FE DEPOT, AUSTIN, TX 09/26 Maybe this food truck festival will finally feature an edible truck.

•THE OLD PECAN

6TH ST, AUSTIN, TX 09/26-09/27 Pecan Street Festival is just 6th St. doing what you do when your parents visit: cleaning out beer bottles, shooing away the homeless, scooping up the horse poop and letting the face painters out of the closet.

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Location: UTSA Campus, PI: T. Zawacki SEPTEMBER 2015 | 70 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

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SEPTEMBER 2015 | 71 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

artist of the month /

LONDON O’ CONNOR

by: michael tyler thefader.com

LONDON O'CONNOR The next big thing in rap is a lanky 24-year-old from the suburbs more interested in wearing dresses and skateboarding than fulfilling male-rapper stereotypes. His name is London O’Connor and he’s currently couch surfing through friends’ apartments in New York City. Despite lacking a consistent physical address, his massive Internet presence makes him easy to track.

Among other things, that presence consists of O’Connor creating his own video game, self-directing a music video, routinely posting sensational, confessional entries on Tumblr, and recently releasing his first album. The young hip-hop artist has cultivated an online persona so intriguing that it alone has brought him a degree of celebrity. But even without the floral themed dresses and outlandish media presence, his music would garner attention.

O’Connor released his first full album O∆ (Circle Triangle) in June. The record is ten tracks long and thirty minutes wide.

In it, O’Connor takes listeners through an honest and angstfilled description of a typical day for him as a teenager, wanting to explore the world but suffocating in the suburbs. He litters captain’s logs throughout the album, highlighting O’Conner’s commitment to the explorer mindset even while stuck at home.

Home is San Marcos, California, a quiet suburb of San Diego that comes equipped with everything a stagnant suburban hell is supposed to have: lazy, close-minded family members (“Oatmeal”), the dude you hate (“Guts”), crime as sublimated violence (“Steal”) and a failed love interest (“Love Song”).

While short, the album is a good mixture of catchy pop choruses, pretty layered synths and appropriately placed raps.

It’s neither pure rap nor traditional pop, but a completely unique twist on both. In the current state of genre-blending hip-hop, artists increasingly try to fold unconventional styles into their music to produce novel sounds. O’Connor’s album offers a perfect example of how this aural promiscuity can lead to brilliance.

O’Connor graduated from NYU’s highly-touted Clive Davis Institute of Recorded Music, giving his work a grace only a proper musical education could produce. He knows how to make uplifting and captivating music regardless of the subject. In O∆, he talks about failed love and laments how lonely we are despite technology’s promises (“Nobody Hangs Out Anymore”), and he does it well.

In a rap landscape where the hottest artists wear ponchos (Young Thug), kilts and jewel-studded masks (Kanye), it looks like London O’Connor’s dresses have carved out a nice niche big enough for himself and his music.

Listen to: “Oatmeal,” “Nobody Hangs Out Anymore” or “Love Song” to get a taste of O’Connor’s sound. Check him out on Soundcloud and follow him on

TWITTER @LONDONOCONNER.

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SEPTEMBER 2015 | 73 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

texas o’ texas

/ CELEBRATING OUR STATE’S ENDEARING SHORTCOMINGS

by: mark stenberg

OBESITY AND FOOD Depending on the source, between two and five cities in Texas routinely rank in the Top 10 Fattest Cities in the Country. Regulars such as El Paso, McAllen and San Antonio have sat contentedly on the list for so long that butt-depressions mark their spots.

Second-stringer cities like Houston and Corpus Christi yoyo on-and-off the list like Jenny Craig lifers, their self-control waning and waxing like tides controlled by the great pizza pie in the sky.

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The statistics are grim: Texas is the 15th most obese state in the country, sitting uncomfortably at a solid 30 percent rate of adult obesity. Children ages 10-17 have a 20 percent chance of obesity, which makes Texas the 10th most successful childfattener in the country and the most courteous one since the witch from Hansel and Gretel. The incriminating cherry on top—which we don’t need, thank you—is that more than 15 percent of high school students are obese, the 5th worst in the country. Thanks a lot, high schoolers!

And while the obesity statistics are incriminating, tackling the Texas mentality is a sizable part of the problem. “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” hasn’t done us any favors, practically mouthing the fat jokes to other states. The immense size of the state adds the burden of psychic obesity to our youth, as if they didn’t have enough on their plates already. In addition to being overweight, our young people live in a state that encourages all things girth.

Texas is the portly pet-owner we all know who overfeeds her chubby cat out of love, but is still baffled by Mitzy’s persistent sleep apnea.

Some of Texas’ most iconic symbols are cattle, football, trucks, stars and oil—all of which are either big or encouraged to be big.

Texas Tech has the second largest contiguous college campus in the country and the city of Houston is bigger than the island of Hawaii.

Houston, San Antonio and Dallas are the fourth, seventh and ninth biggest cities in the country, and five of the ten fastest growing cities are in the state as well. Everything about Texas says big or getting bigger.

And while the obesity epidemic is unsettling, there is one important silver lining. In 2014, fourteen chefs and restaurants from across Texas were dubbed James Beard Award semifinalists. The James Beard awards are the Oscars of the food world and being nominated is one of the most prestigious honors in the culinary world. In the last several years, Texas has been the Titanic of James Beards— winning an ungodly number of awards with the complete support of its competitors. The percentage of talented chefs and remarkable restaurants from Texas is almost as staggering as our percentages of obesity, and it doesn’t take a NASA scientist (another Texas icon of heft) to put two and two together: Texas has a weight problem because Texas has the best food in the country.

In Houston, restaurants Oxheart and Underbelly have made national news for harnessing the multi-cultural influences of the city, cooking what Houston Press food-writer Katharine Shilcutt refers to as “Mutt City cuisine.” In Dallas the loud-mouthed chef of Knife, John Tesar, made national news for

tweeting “Fuck you” to a food critic. He’s also responsible for bringing the steakhouse into the 21st century.

In Austin, influential chefs like Bryce Gilmore, Paul Qui and Andrew Wiseheart have the entire culinary world peeking over their shoulders for a glimpse at the future. As if to illustrate this point, Qui is opening a 12-seat “Fuck you I rule” sushi restaurant called Otoko on South Congress. It will reportedly be invite-only and upwards of $250 per person.

Even San Antonio has emerged from its culinary chrysalis, capitalizing on its geographic status as the Mexican-American bridge city. Andrew Zimmern of Bizarre Foods chose to tape his one-hour season finale in San Antonio rather than any other city in the world. He visited Mixtli, El Machito and Restaurant Gwendolyn, fawning over San Antonio’s unique food culture.

He left as yet another food personality converted by the occult powers of Texas cooking. Food figures worldwide have discovered the treasure of Texas, including Anthony Bourdain, Andrew Knowlton, David Chang and Jimmy Kimmel.

The incriminating cherry on top— which we don’t need, thank you—is that more than 15 percent of high school students are obese, the 5th worst in the country. Thanks a lot, high schoolers!

And while our fine-dining dazzles, the food of real Texans is just as lustrous: breakfast tacos, pecan pie, kolaches, barbecue, Topo Chico, King Ranch Casserole, tortilla soup, Frito pie, fajitas, chicken fried steak, chili, Dr. Pepper, Blue Bell Ice Cream (RIP), Julio’s chips, margaritas, Shiner, queso and Big Red. While it’s not Michelin-starred tweezer food, it’s what runs through the veins of Texans.

It’s tempting to pit the two cuisines against each other: fine-dining versus country cooking. But it doesn’t work that way. Good food cultures cover each end of the spectrum and everything in between. Without chefs pushing boundaries cuisine stagnates and dies, but without tradition and heritage innovation loses its footing. The fact that both exist and are both so highly lauded speaks to the rare pedigree of Texas food.

It also attests to the high gustatory standards its inhabitants have. When you have a diner who eats Gardner’s fermented potato bread with red fish rillette and green-bean miso for dinner, and then wakes up and eats chilaquiles and a michelada for brunch—that strikes fear into the heart of every half-baked restaurant concept in the world. We are spoiled in that we expect delicious food because we’re surrounded by it.

Texans may have an obesity problem, but if other states could have our food they’d have an obesity problem too.

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 75 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

the wooten barber shop

| AUSTIN’S BARBER SHOP

by: mark stenberg

SCENARIO:

You’re probably thinking, “Wow, an independent barbershop right on Guad? Sounds nice, but I’m on a budget.”

Hakuna matata, my broke friend, because a Wooten haircut runs $18—cheaper than most places in the city. And unlike most beautician-staffed chains, Wooten’s barbers are licensed professionals. That means you pay less and get more.

You live in Austin and your hair’s too long—do you put your faith in the shears of a mega-chain, or do you go to the ultra-hip boutique that upcharges for beer and a live DJ? Neither option sounds appealing but your hair’s only getting longer by the second— what can you do?

Enter, Wooten Barber Shop.

WOOTEN BARBER SHOP

BANGS FOR YOUR BUCK

TRIM TRADITION

Getting a haircut at Wooten is like eating at Mag’s or swimming at Barton Springs—it’s a rite of passage. It’s one of those rare, authentic slices of old Austin that still exist. Famous locals like Richard Linklater have spilled their hair on those hallowed floors, right alongside scruffy engineering majors and politicians pining for a close shave. You’re not a Longhorn until your hair has fallen on those tiles.

THE AMBIENCE

Chances are you’ve never been in a barbershop like the Wooten. Movies from I Luv Video play on the TV and the barbers gab with each other just like you hoped they would. A huge window allows waiting students to watch the busy intersection outside hustle and bustle, while inside it feels like time is frozen in an era where getting a haircut was a ritual, not a chore.

CONVENIENT CUTS

Wooten has sat at 21st and Guadalupe since 1964, allowing for more than five decades of between-class haircuts. Their location is so convenient it’s practically bad business because people don’t appreciate it enough! Other stores come and go but the Wooten has endured for more than 50 years. It’s one of the last locallyowned places on the drag and a hallmark of UT landscape.

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SEPTEMBER 2015 | 77 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

recess

| LET YOUR INNER CHILD OUT ON 6TH STREET

by: mark stenberg

It doesn’t take too long on 6th Street before all the bars start looking the same, and it’s not the alcohol messing with your vision.

While most places just try to be louder than their neighbors, Recess Arcade Bar at 6th and San Jacinto succeeds by being different. Once you see “Recess” in flickering neon, you can count on having an experience unlike any other in the city. The bar features more than 20 different retro and contemporary arcade games, in addition to multiple rooms, a huge bar and several flat-screen TVs. It’s the perfect place to actually have fun on 6th Street.

DRINK SPECIALS

THE GAMES

FORMALS AND EVENTS

If a convenient location and dozens of arcade games won’t get you in the doors, the drink specials at Recess definitely will. Check out TapDay Tuesday where all liquor on tap goes for $3 and the friendly bartenders serve out $2 Zeigenbock Draft. Get over hump day with Bomb Night—$3 Fireball and $4 bombs, or come by on Thursday for College Night to get $2 wells and $3 domestics. Friday and Saturday are going to be packed, but if you get in before 11:00 take advantage of the $3 wells and domestics. Swing in on a Lazy Sunday to enjoy happy hour all day and watch the game in between rounds of Gallaga and NBA Jam.

Recess features more than 20 different retro arcade games you and your friends can play, from classics like Skeeball and Pacman to interactive ones like Knockout Punching and Giant Jenga. They even have NFL Blitz— the game of the people. Go with your friends and have a good time spamming the Street Fighter controls, or meet someone over a conversation-starting game of Donkey Kong. At Recess, you’re never going to be bored.

Recess is the perfect place for your next sorority or fraternity function.

The games are perfect ice-breakers for awkward couples, giving everyone something to talk about. The bar also has a stage for live music and a massive, 360° wooden bar, which means different areas for all different interests. Just go to Recess’ website to get into contact for reservations and thank Study Breaks later when you host the best mixer of the year.

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SEPTEMBER 2015 | 79 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

rant

| A GUIDE FOR DEALING WITH GROUP WORK

by: laura valle

RANT: A GUIDE FOR DEALING WITH GROUP WORK Dear Group Work Slackers, We all know who you are. You’re the ones sitting quietly in the meetings, leaning back in your chair and acting like it was our idea to do this group project. If we’re lucky, you finish your part of the assignment, turn it in at the last second, and act like you’ve given us a gift.

Sometimes you try to manipulate the weaker, more merciful group members by guilting them into supporting your claim for having your name on the project. You show up looking like you’re ready to work, but never actually do anything. You sit, pen in hand, asking what we got for that one or trying to see what we decided to put.

Look, we all know group work is just an easy way out for professors. They hate grading hundreds of assignments, so they force students into groups to reduce the number of things they have to grade. And while it makes sense for them, it’s terrible for students. Group work forces us to put the fate of our grade into the hands of others, depending on the intelligence and work ethic of people that we’ve never met and would otherwise never trust.

Emphasizing group-work skills makes sense, yes, but not when the results are graded. We work hard to keep our GPAs above water, living in constant fear of a single bad assignment sinking an entire semester’s worth of work. Even if we try our best in the group assignment it might not matter in the end.

If you don’t do your work then we have to do it or it doesn’t get done. It’s an unfair system that every hardworking student would rather avoid.

Except for you. You love group work because you know you have a chance of doing none of it, but still receiving full credit.

You think you can skip group meetings and expect to have your name on the project, but your lazy attitude has made everyone in the group hate you more than the professor who assigned the group work in the first place. Trust me when I say that the rest of the group will do everything in their power to get you a lower grade.

How do you get by for the rest of the year? Do you weasel out of all your work or is it just in this class? What would happen if everyone in a group was a slacker? What are you saving all your energy for anyway? The questions are endless.

I just hope that you eventually learn to do your own work, because if not you’ll get nowhere in life. Now that I think of it, it might be better if you just became professional slackers, leaving jobs for hard workers. So I guess continue doing what you’re doing and we’ll see who wins at life in the end.

Best wishes with your future (not really), DID THE ENTIRE PROJECT ALONE

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 80 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

fake or campus watch by: laura valle

WANT TO SUBMIT? Have a submission for Fake or Campus Watch? Email mark@studybreaks.com to submit your story. Or submit a fake story and make us guess if it’s real, so the game never actually ends…

FAKE? OR CAMPUS WATCH

KEY: 1T, 2T, 3F, 4F, 5T, 6F

Students do stupid things in college, and sometimes the police get involved. In this section, we have three actual police reports of student antics and three fake reports. Think you can tell the difference?

#02.

#01.

A staff member reported seeing a non-student strike a student in the face two times before the student fled to a nearby coffee house.

Responding officers found the victim in the coffee house and the suspect loitering in front of a nearby business.

The victim said he and the non-student were acquaintances who spoke in passing.

When the student told the nonstudent he no longer wished to engage in conversation, the subject punched the student in the face twice, causing the student’s nose to bleed. The student refused medical assistance and declined to file criminal charges.

A staff member observed a nonstudent in the act of disrobing in the loading dock on the north side of a building. When the staff member told the subject to remain clothed, the subject yelled a threat back at the staff member before walking away.

The subject was found at a nearby bus stop.

The staff member did not wish to file charges. The subject was issued a written criminal trespass warning.

words “Red Wings” on the exterior wall of a car wash building.

Video evidence shows the perpetrator using a can of spray paint for the red color and a baby bottle for the white color. Subject could not be found.

#04.

A 1983 white Sedan was reportedly broken into while parked outside of an apartment building.

Items found missing include: female undergarments, three wigs and one pair of size 13 stiletto heels.

#03.

#05.

Red spray paint and some sort of suspicious white substance were used to write the

A student entered into an on-line adult chat room. The student was messaged and asked

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 81 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

to friend an unknown subject on Facebook then join the subject in a Skype session. During the session, the student was asked to do certain things while on Skype.

After several minutes, the person he was doing certain things for informed the student she was only 14-yearsold. The person he was Skyping demanded money or she promised to inform local law enforcement. The student disconnected, put everything away and notified the Police Department.

#06.

A student reported the sighting of a strange man on the fourth floor of the library.

When law enforcement arrived the suspicious man was found on the floor between two bookshelves, ripping pages out of paleontology textbooks. Officers asked the subject where he thought he was to which he responded, “In the lies section.”

The man was escorted off the premises and charged with trespassing.

SEPTEMBER 2015 | 82 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

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FORMERLY LUBBOCK STUDENT HOUSING.COM

College communities to fit your lifestyle, and your budget. All just steps to campus.

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Great locations—walk to class Fully furnished apartments and townhomes Amenities for a fit & healthy lifestyle Academically-oriented environments Professional, on-site management & maintenance Individual liability leases Roommate matching available

UNIVERSITY TRAILS

SPACES FILLING FAST. APPLY NOW!

Where students love living. ®

Amenities are subject to change.

The College Football Guide

On-Campus Foraging: The New Black?

Species of North American Professor

SEPTEMBER 2015 • LUBBOCK • STUDYBREAKS.COM

U CLUB AT OVERTON PARK