Study Breaks Magazine: San Antonio

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MEET THE NEW

EDITOR in the editors letter

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How our Swimsuit Contest winner changed her life

ALEX D’JAMOOS The paraplegic Russian orphan fighting discrimination

PING The groundbreaking new vision for social media

JULY 2015 • SAN ANTONIO • STUDYBREAKS.COM

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JESSICA SALINAS DELGADO

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T A B L E

O F

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MUNCHIES

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REMARKABLE ALUMNI

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NUTTY PROFESSOR

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FAKE OR CAMPUS WATCH

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TOPICAL CREAM

JESSICA SALINAS DELGADO cover model

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THIS MONTH IN

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CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT

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FASHION

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FEATURED BAND

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ZEITGUY

36. COVER MODEL

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HOW OUR SWIMSUIT CONTEST WINNER

DROUGHT

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TEXAS O’ TEXAS

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WHAT’S YOUR MAJOR

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BUT HYPOTHETICALLY

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THE BUZZ

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TEXAS TOAST

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UBER

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LENOIR

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ADOPTION IN RUSSIA

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PING

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INFORMER’S ALMANAC

CAMPUS CRUSH // by: mark stenberg

ACTIVE MEMBER AND PRESIDENT OF ALPHA TAU OMEGA KEVIN

CASTILLO hometown: San Antonio, TX major: Biology AGE: 22 relationship status: SINGLE height: 5’ 9”

FOLLOW HIM ON INSTAGRAM @Kcastill0

The Unknown.

People don’t really think I’m as intelligent I really am, but I’m really intrigued by medicine and science. My dad is a doctor and my sister is a hospital administrator, so medicine runs in the blood. I love my family—we’re very close, and I tell them everything. I have a little brother who is a junior in high school, but man I love that little shit. He’s just like me, just smarter, bigger and better looking. I am a momma’s boy, but not really by choice. I’m a clean guy—messy things give me anxiety and I then I can’t concentrate. I also love to travel, cook, hunt, and surf: I’m your All American Guy! Favorite movie?

“8 seconds,” because that’s all the time I need. I like the movie because it’s something my dad and I can relate to and there’s a good moral to it, which motivates me—not many movies that are being made now do that.

Pets?

I have a dog, but my favorite pet is my cow Daisy. She lives on a farm we have but she’s the best.

Your ideal girl?

My ideal girl would be someone who is fit and has a good understanding of how life should be spent—doing what makes you happy. Ideally, she’s business smart and a great partner in the kitchen, because I don’t cook alone! Also she has to be funny or witty cause I’m on my game all the time, and she has to keep me interested.

Must do with your friends?

Crashing weddings at a date’s formal—I’m a pro. It’s actually something I do often, ask Victor. *Victor confirmed the statement.

Favorite Bar? I like Cooter Browns aka Cougar Browns, because the women there treat me like a son they never had. They buy my drinks then a couple days later ask to take me shopping and stuff.

Guilty pleasure?

Having Daisy lick honey off my bod on a hot summer day… (laughing) I mean you can’t judge it unless you’ve had it done.

It’s like a tickling sensation.

Daily routine?

Wake up, take a cold shower, eat some Eggo waffles and just kill the rest of the day. I sometimes eat Toaster Strudel—either the berry kind or the apple. I’m in summer school right now so you can find me on campus, being very dedicated to my studies.

Favorite restaurant?

Chipotle is my life! If I had the money, every time I went I would get extra guac and sour cream. I mean who doesn’t get the guac?

Most embarrassing moment?

Getting called out on my first day of college in my 200 person American Politics class, because I completely blanked on who the first president was.

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR // by: mark stenberg LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE:

MARK STENBERG Thought experiment: you are the new editor and I’m the reader. I’ve just opened up the magazine and noticed that there’s a picture of a passably attractive young man on the lefthand corner of the inside cover, and I’m curious about his personality, lifestyle choices and general outlook on life.

I may have read this magazine once or twice before and noticed that this millennial looks different than the last one, leading me to suspect change may be afoot. Perhaps I would glance briefly at the “Letter from the Editor” text and see the first line: “Hello! My name is Mark Stenberg, and I’m the new Editor of Study Breaks,” from which I can immediately draw several conclusions.

First, the man depicted in the photo must be Mark Stenberg, leading me to believe he is ostensibly male, possibly German and denied the privilege of a duo-syllabic first name. I would assume the editor to be lightly miffed about the picture, probably having higher hopes for his photographic debut, but not overly preoccupied with it.

Second, I could assume that He most likely coordinates writers and photographers, in addition to occasionally trying his own hand at content production—the cyborg term for writing—thus contributing to as well as managing the skin in the game.

Third, he is a new editor, implying a line of succession exists, similar to a papal or royal hierarchy, but without any of the importance. If so, then changes to the magazine may be on the horizon, and I would hope he would introduce them to the reader, comforting them through what may otherwise be a frightening time of transition.

To do otherwise, perhaps by avoiding a helpful introduction altogether by writing an elaborate but hilarious joke, could be a mistake—unless of course, what with him being a new editor, and this apparently being his first issue under his belt—he plans to introduce these changes gradually, in which case a brilliant and comical introduction would actually be highly effective. Regardless, I assume he would encourage openmindedness in the readership, hoping they would give the new content and format the old college try. Personally, I think that’s a very reasonable proposal, and I would wish the new chieftain the best of luck.

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Editor The Best of Me

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STUDY BREAKS magazine is an entertainment magazine for the students of Austin published 12 times a year

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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Both)

MICHEAL SCOTT

STYLIST

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Almost Famous

RANT PIECE: PARKING // by: mark stenberg

DEAR PARKING SPACE THIEF With your lame bumper stickers and your spray painted rims, it’s impossible to tell if you’re a Cub Scout mom or a scruffy teenage vandal, but what confused me most was your thought process. When you decided that some divine imperative justified your decision to slide into my blinker-claimed parking space, completely disregarding the rules of parking lot etiquette, I realized that your actions were the result of a broken system. Students enter into a social contract with garages and assigned spots in order to avoid the lawlessness of unregulated parking, but that contract relies on the complicity of those involved, and there’s nothing worse than relying on a system that relies on student drivers.

Seeing that I have the great displeasure of attending the same school as you, I’m sure you’re aware of the many unpleasantries hidden within the metaphorical fine print of the college experience. Obviously, the crippling debt, and yes, and eternal battle between timemanagement and happiness, but the grossly unacknowledged injustice of the dog-eat-dog parking system our schools orchestrate is practically just as criminal.

As a student driver, your knowledge of the heinous nature of your crime is practically premeditation, and more than that, it’s a betrayal of the unspoken student code.

You know that in order to drive ourselves to the classes we’re bankrolling, we have to buy expensive parking permits, perpetuating a very vicious cycle of paying to attend the thing we’re paying to attend. For a college

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student, these permits represent several weeks worth of food, an indulgent shopping trip or a really overpriced concert ticket, and so instead of spending money on ourselves—and conventional wisdom does say to be selfish in our 20s—our pockets are emptied to stuff school coffers.

Even then, we have no guarantee of a space, and so while I’m sure that you know the struggle of on-campus parking, it still didn’t prevent your crime of inhumanity.

It’s people like you who cause tardiness, not to mention tumors from repressed anger and revenge videos on YouTube.

Plus, I could tell by your leisurely pace as you exited your dented Camry that, unlike me, you were in no rush to class. Decked out in head-to-toe Lululemon, I can’t even fathom what kind of person chooses to spend $120 on black leggings but not fix the dent in her car.

I’m scanning the lot for potential witnesses as I mull over giving karma a little helping hand, when I realize that the poached spot was actually a handicap space. I dial the campus security line strictly for the sake of my disabled peers, and so next time you decide to shove yourself into someone’s parking space, be sure it isn’t a reserved one.

Sincerely,

WHILE YOU WERE GONE // by: john david white

uanews.org

Engaged couple Lucy Phillips and Mark Clemmer from Berkeley are among a chorus of positive reviews.

“I was sick of meeting non-compatible girls on Tinder, and when I met Lucy on Senior I was unsure,” says Mark, “but when her grandpa told me that his little Lucykins got first place in a spelling bee, and is the smartest girl in the world, I knew she was my soul mate.”

WHILE YOU WERE GONE: 8 CRAZY THINGS THAT HAPPENED THIS SUMMER, AND HOW THEY’LL AFFECT YOU

Women claim knowing their lover’s grandmother really helps demystify their match. “I could tell Mark was handsome from his profile picture,” Lucy said, “but when his Gram Gram showed me Mark’s baby pictures I caved—what a cutie!” More on Senior next issue.

TEXAS TECH BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT DEVELOPS DINOSAUR IN ANTICIPATION OF JURASSIC PARK Jurassic Park is one of the most beloved film franchises of all time, especially here at Study headquarters, so we tried to interview the kooky professor who invented a dinosaur to share in a total geek-out: SB: Professor Toboggan, we heard you and your students engineered a dinosaur because you’re Jurassic Park fanatics just like us. Can you tell us a little about it?

Prof: Dear god, what have I done—they’re all dead.

SB: Haha! So who is your favorite JP character? It’s hard to beat Jeff Goldblum.

Prof: Please, listen to me: we’ve made a huge mistake.

I tried to play God and—oh! I can’t live with myself…

SB: Old-fashioned effects are great, but I wouldn’t say using CGI was a mistake. JP Trivia Pop Quiz! How many takes did Spielberg need to make the rippling water cup scene?

IPHONE 7 RELEASED TO COLLEGE STUDENTS FOR BETA TESTING Study Breaks hit the streets to interview these exclusive millennials in their native lingo to get the down-low, or “DL,” on the latest iPhone. Our investigators confirmed that the iPhone 7 is three times the size of the iPhone 6, which was roughly the size of a Chihuahua.

SB: What’s the chill, bruh? Do you think the new iPhone is bae?

Anonymous #1: The screen could be bigger.

Prof. Shut up, you fool! I can hear it coming now…. (inaudible gowls)… AGGGGHHHHH -

SB: Yo how’s it hanging, my Caitlyn Jenner? Is the 7 dope enough for ya?

Our Skype interview cut off there. Jurassic World premiered June 12!

Anonymous #2: Nah, screen’s too small.

NEW DATING APP TO MAKE TINDER A THING OF THE PAST In the Information Age, the taboo of online love has all but evaporated; in fact, Forbes, The Huffington Post and many others claim that in recent years, 1 in 3 married couples has met on dating sites. However, the industry formula has remained pretty consistent—until now.

A new dating app created at UC Berkeley, Senior, promises unheard of success. The app’s premise moves beyond simply making matches—the new technology, bankrolled by the Wienervoss twins, allows users to communicate with their match’s grandparents, providing another plane of compatibility.

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You heard it here first.

RAPID RISE IN TEEN PREGNANCY DUE TO DAD-BODS Being a teenager and pregnant is rarely a good combination unless you’ve signed a reality deal with MTV—in that case, have at it. Otherwise, most students avoid pregnancy using the normal methods: Snickers wrappers, thinking happy thoughts, etc.

However, after recent events demanded answers from media, the CDC released

a report stating that teen pregnancy had increased 77 percent in the past month.

Many scientists attributed the rise to the newest trend sweeping the nation—the “Dad Bod.” When popular media outlets began reporting that young women are attracted to heavy-set men with tendencies to drink beer and eat pizza, the buzz took erupted.

However, some teens appear to have misinterpreted the trend. We interviewed college student Chet Bradley for more insight. “I myself don’t personally see the correlation, because I’m not exactly drowning in it since I had Chet Jr,,” Bradley said.

He and hundreds of new fathers unfortunately misunderstood the phrase.

BRIAN FROM DOWN THE HALL OF YOUR DORM BOUGHT A GUITAR THIS SUMMER Sources confirm that Brian, who lives down the hall from you, bought a guitar this summer. He was spotted in the Quad on Tuesday playing “Wonderwall” by Oasis before his afternoon Intro to Philosophy class.

SOCIAL MEDIA SUGGESTS EVERYTHING’S GOING WELL FOR YOUR FRIENDS Everything seems to be going OK for your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram friends, and according to data pools from your feeds, an overwhelming majority of your peers are having a great time 24/7.

Yup, life’s one big party for everybody whose social media accounts you come into contact with, and it appears your high school ex-boyfriend just posted five consecutive photos to Instagram of him drinking wine and eating croissants while studying abroad in France.

Judging by the hand-selected pictures he voluntarily posts to social media, that guy could not have a care in the world. Even more recently, a photo coordinated by your lab partner of him posing with an attractive blonde suggests absolutely no evidence of him throwing up on the beerpong table and crying until seven in the morning.

According to Twitter, your cousin Julia is even “Feeling good for a Tuesday LOL.” Yup, everybody seems to be doing just fine.

GREEK STUDENTS LASH OUT AGAINST ANTI-RAGE BILL A new clause in many Greek-life contracts states that Greek organizations are hereby forbidden to “rage” within five miles of their respective campuses.

The backlash to this new statute has been immense, leaving students frantically searching for find loopholes.

BRIAN JUST GOT LAID Brian just got laid.

Jason Phillips of the Delta Tau Delta Chapter at Texas A&M was confused. “ I was outraged when I found out I couldn’t rage anymore. Shit can I even say that?”

Fraternity brother Sam Shepherd was relieved to discover the clause still allowed him to “rock out” and “get blitzed,” but responded that he will miss

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“raging balls.”

Chelsea Hendon of Alpha Phi reminisced about her days of raging her face off and her mixed feelings toward the rule. “I’m super stoked that I can still throw down and even trap the fuck out, but am sad for future sisters who will never be able to rage thanks to these ludacris new rules.” Sources confirm the next target of university authorities is tank tops.

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THE YEAR 3000 SPEECH // by: laura valle

THE YEAR 3000 SPEECH Language constantly changes—not a new notion by any means, except that the speed of that change is accelerating.

Technology, such as smart phones and laptops, have afforded modern man the ability to constantly communicate, in addition to providing an international forum in which to do so—the Internet.

As a result, new words and phrases are born nearly every minute. We all know them because we’ve had to explain them to our parents and teachers, but bear in mind—the speed of change continues to accelerate. Years from now, millennials will be more disconnected from popular lingo than Baby Boomers are today.

For instance, “omg” and “lol” are common expressions among the young folk of today—text-speak, if you will.

But if abbreviations already shorten phrases to words, the next step must be shortening words into letters, and God only knows what follows that— letters into grunts?

Future conversation will sound like “H m cy pa t S plz,” and a flustered mom—a millennial, one of us—will be completely unable to interpret the code. “What? Use words,” she’ll say. “I remember when I was your age, words stood for something!” Smug children will laugh at our backwardness, just as we laughed at our parents. “Jeez,” they’ll sneer, “all I said was, ‘Hey, mom, can you pass the salt please’—who uses whole words anymore?”

Twenty years from now even our avant-garde emoji alphabet will be replaced by an entirely different version of pictorial communication, and old emojis will have all new meanings. For instance, in twenty years the eggplant

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emoji might trade its phallic undertone to mean someone with a big nose, and the cute monkey covering its eyes might mean something so hideous it’s unbearable to witness.

Teens using the heart-breaking emoji might mean they have literally ripped a human heart in half, as opposed to having recently had their heart broken. The younger the children are, the newer, more creative applications of emoji use they’ll develop, eventually evolving to use meta-emojis, sending emojis of emojis. Their advanced speech techniques will so outpace the mental capabilities of millennials, that children will eventually enslave the adults of the world.

All this assumes that the words millennials know and trust today will remain unchanged, which is highly unlikely. Look how the words “sick,” “tight,” and “dope” turned on Baby Boomers. The same thing will happen to “lit,” “bae,” and “turnt,” and words that our generation created will mutiny against their masters.

In the future, even innocuous slang like “dude” will be unrecognizable, probably changing to mean a new puppy, and people will say, “Look, I got a dude,” or “Aww your dude is so cute!”

Meanwhile, adults of the world will resort to silence, unable to communicate using the parlance of the day, and their speechlessness will gradually turn into a physical inability to talk. When aliens come to Earth to revisit their ancient temples, they will find nothing but a master race of babies talking in indecipherably complex code, controlling the entirety of the human population with their gurgling noises.

TOP 10 // by: mark stenberg

The University of Texas at San Antonio is looking for single women to be in a

RESEARCH STUDY

10. VOLUNTEER Volunteering ups character value and enhances resumes.

Employers actually want to hear what you care about and how you’re changing the world—no one wants to hire average people.

9. EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS Now’s the time to get your feet wet in interesting fields, metaphorically and literally. Look for internships or entrylevel positions that provide a potpourri of opportunity: gain valuable experience, network and acquire new skills.

8. RESEARCH Prepare for interviews, yes, but also for casual conversations with potential employers.

Educate yourself on pertinent topics so you can chime in with impressively relevant information.

7. MAKE FRIENDS “I’m here to make money, not friends,” is

a coded announcement of stupidity: making impressions and keeping in touch produces exceptional references if you ever need them. And you will need them.

6. PRESENT YOURSELF AS AN ASSET When interviewing, focus on the unique skills you can contribute. Emphasize a second language or software proficiency if possible—if not, many employers will consider inexperience an advantage if it’s spun correctly.

5. DRESS THE PART Your clothes make a huge difference, trust us. Be the best dressed in the room, even if it feels like overkill— interviewers expect candidates to overdress.

4. KEEP IT SIMPLE Your resume and interview responses should be practiced, concise and intelligent, if for no other reason than it’s impressive.

Restrict your resume to one page, with only the most relevant and self-aggrandizing experience listed.

3. LISTEN With tense nerves, it’s especially important to be mentally collected and focus on what the interviewer says. Avoid the vacant nod and gaze—pin your ears for vital information that may help later.

Social Drinker,

TOP 10 WAYS TO MARKET YOURSELF LIKE A PRO

are Single you age 21 to 30?

about social interactions and alcohol.

Female

2. BE POSITIVE Often, the interviewer will work alongside of you, should you get hired. Make that hypothetical future positive with enthusiasm and optimism, feigned or otherwise.

1. CONFIDENCE IS KEY If you’re interviewing, pat yourself on the back—you’ve already impressed the company.

Have faith in yourself and don’t sweat it, because an interview is where you excel.

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BOOK CLUB // by: mark stenberg

AUGUST’S BOOK OF THE MONTH: THE RUM DIARY Much like pairing food with temperature (pg. 25), it helps… to take the same approach with literature, picking and choosing books based on the reader’s climate. While that may initially sound uncouth— maybe even groundbreaking—it makes sense. Given the unbearable heat of August, it makes sense to pick a cool, refreshing book, something to cleanse the literary palate. The desired book is not necessarily a lightweight in terms of content, but breezy in its readability and quickly moving storyline.

The Rum Diary, by Hunter S. Thompson not only has an airy, crisp feel to the plot, but the story happens to take place in 1950s Puerto Rico— the idyllic summer locale. The main characters, Thompson being the protagonist, work as journalists in San Juan, printing an Englishlanguage magazine for the American expats on the island.

The author of the book, Thompson, almost makes the book worth reading regardless of the story.

He famously invented an entire genre of writing known as Gonzo journalism, in which—and this is an oversimplification—the journalist in no way pretends to assume objectivity about the story. In Thompson’s case, his style of journalism also tended to include direct involvement with the events being chronicled, which tend to influence the outcome of the events. In a way, although writing from an ostensibly journalistic viewpoint, Thompson was essentially writing memoirs of his experiences as a journalist.

In The Rum Diary, a book written in the 1960s but not published until Johnny Depp found the manuscript in 1998, Thompson chronicles the wild

events of a nearly lawless Puerto Rico. He wrote the narrative at the age of 22, and although the protagonist goes by the name of Paul Kemp, Thompson crafted the story based on his experiences, namely: drinking, working for a failing newspaper, sex and getting into trouble with the local authorities.

Thompson also wrote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Hell’s Angels, amongst many others, but The Rum Diary stands out as a book particularly well suited for summer. It inculcates a strong desire to drink rum, as Thompson’s character drinks rum and ice constantly throughout the novel, working almost hypnotically to make readers crave the rough summer cocktail. The author hangs out with journalist friends, explores love interests, sleeps on beaches and goes to rum-fueled parties—pretty much the bullet points on a successful summer checklist, accurately portraying the nonchalance of a young man in the summer of his life.

Everything Thompson wrote he imbued with his hotheaded, alcoholic personality—perfect for good literature, if an inadvisable life choice. As a result of his commitment to his craft, any one of his books is well worth the time. The novel Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was made into an amazing psychedelic movie starring Johnny Depp and Benicio del Toro, and comes highly author-recommended. If none of that is convincing enough to give the book a chance, then drink a rum and ice, read this article again and reconsider. Then prepare to fall prey to the allure of reading about drinking rum on a beach.

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Michael's

TOP TEN SONGS 1. Trap Queen – Fetty Wap 2. Dance with Somebody – Natalie la rose 3. I Like Tuh – DJ Carnage ft. Makoneen 4. Flicka Da Wrist – Chedda Da Connect 5. I Know There’s Gonna Be (Good Times) – Jamie xx 6. Oh my - Boogie 7. Flexin (Oh, Oh, Oh) – Rich Homie Quan 8. BBHMM Rhianna 9. March Madness– Future 10. Where R U Now? – Skrillex featuring Justin Bieber

TOP 10 // by: vanessa delgado

TOP 10 WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT THIS SUMMER 10. DEEP EDDY POOL

7. GARNER STATE PARK

4. PORT ARANSAS, TX

Austin, TX

Concan, TX

Famous for being

If you’d rather kick it

the oldest swimming

somewhere slightly

pool in Texas, Deep

more serene, look no

Eddy pool is perfect

further than beautiful

for those who prefer a

Garner State Park.

hike from the parking

With the lack of cell

Just south of Galveston is Port A, a springbreaker favorite.

Sunbathe in the blue shores, or get your heart pounding by soaring above the ocean with Skydive South Texas.

lot, not through the

reception, don’t expect

wilderness. During

to be able to update

the summer, guests

your Snapchat story.

can also enjoy a large

Escape day-to-day

movie screen set up

life with the scenic

Austin, TX

by the pool for added

views and cool off in

entertainment.

the clear waters of the

Conveniently located in the state’s capital, Barton Springs Pool is beloved by locals and tourists alike. Bring your dog and enjoy the cool waters, or get that summer glow on one of the sloped banks of the pool.

Frio River in Garner

9. THE CITY TUBE CHUTE New Braunfels, TX Halfway between San Antonio and San

State Park.

6. DEVIL’S WATER HOLE Inks Lake State Park, Burnet TX

3. BARTON SPRINGS POOL

New Braunfels and

This beautiful

its notorious Tube

swimming hole was

2. HAMILTON POOL PRESERVE

Chute. The Tube

formed by millions of

Dripping Springs, TX

Chute refers to a part

years of water erosion

of the Comal River

over solid granite. The

that requires chuters

result is a scenic area

to bring or rent an

perfect for swimming

inner-tube. Pretty

and canoeing. Since

self-explanatorily,

the water is held

the tube chute quite

by rock, be sure to

literally shoots tubers

bring water shoes to

into the Comal River

protect any and all feet

at incredible speeds,

necessary.

Marcos, you’ll find

so floaters can cruise down the river in a tube, or brave the powerful current for

5. JACOB’S WELL Wimberley, TX

a thrill that’s worth

Bearing in mind that

getting back in line for.

there is a small hike

8. GALVESTON, TX Just outside of Houston sits the sunny island of Galveston. Sunbathe at the beach or head to one of Galveston’s many museums, restaurants and waterparks.

to gain access to the spring, its still well worth it. Jacob’s Well is unlike anything else in Texas with its clear-as-glass water and its mysterious well beneath the water.

Hamilton Pool takes the runner up spot thanks to its sheer natural beauty.

Seriously, the cove looks like something from a movie set. Escape to another world this this serene spot rewarded to you after a rigorous hike.

1. SOUTH PADRE ISLAND, TX One of the most beautiful beaches in Texas belongs to South Padre Island, hands down. Though it is located at the southernmost point of Texas, the trip is worth it for the bright blue waters and beautiful sunsets. Have dinner on the water at Louie’s Backyard or party on the beach at Clayton’s Beach Bar.

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MUNCHIES: MEXICAN FOOD // by: mark stenberg

(San Antonio)

RESTAURANT OF THE MONTH:

MAMA MARGIE'S Although always a wise move to minimize unnecessary interactions with the police, the presence of the men and women in blue always acts as an effective—albeit shady—indicator of a popular late-night restaurant. When the municipal authorities have come to the conclusion that an establishment needs protection from its own clientele, it means the kitchen usually serves some handsome grub. Disconcerting as fuzz at a restaurant may be, they keep the peace and often tolerate belligerence at an impressively zen level.

The reason The Man guards the gates at Mama Margie’s is because after the bars get out, a flood of the inebriated washes over the poor—but not unsuspecting—local eatery. For good reason too, as the cheap, generously portioned food beckons to the drunk like the call of the wild. For years, their 89-cent bean & cheese tacos constituted nearly half the diet of the entire city, and their all-meat carne guisada taco is the fork-tender antidote to your tremoring stomach. Mama’s serves the pantheon of taco greats, from the workhorse potato & egg to the exotic chorizo & bean. What’s more—even the most frugal of customers can easily leave satisfied for a few dollars, as most of their tacos cost less than $1.50. For heartier appetites, Mama’s enchiladas—especially the Pollo Jack—will incur the desired food coma no questions asked.

It would be an oversight of epic proportions, though, to neglect mentioning the main reason to visit Mama Margie’s— the chip vault. Truly the 8th wonder of the world, a machine resembling an ice-machine—quite possibly a repurposed icemachine (?)—is stuffed to the brim with hot, thin, salty tortilla chips. The station is self-serve, and the tool for the deed is a massive plastic scoop. The trick is, and pray that this revelation doesn’t put them out of business, that after only one purchase customers earn VIP access to bottomless chips of the highest order, in addition to a potpourri of salsas and condiments, which are equally noteworthy in their own regard. In addition to being exquisite, the infinite chips inflate the value of a meal at Mama’s exponentially, giving yet another reason to go.

Austin:

San Marcos:

Lubbock:

Although limited in its offerings, Veracruz is the hands down choice for late night tacos.

The trailer has gained national fame for their delicious taco kisses, and has garnered the adoration of chefs both local and national. Although not brick-and-mortar, they stay open till 2 a.m. and tuck their flavorful filling into slightly thicker-thanaverage tortillas that provide a toothsome mouthfeel that will permanently hook you.

While filed in the San Marcos section, Taco Cabana remains a viable and authorrecommended statewide option for late night Mexican on the quick. While their tacos lean a little skimpy, the cabana bowl puts the restaurant on its back and does not disappoint.

Its value, combined with the familiar offering of salsas and haphazardly chopped vegetables, makes for a reliable, filling option.

Plot twist: TC also serves alcohol at very affordable prices— caveat emptor!

Any 24-hour Mexican restaurant acts as a lighthouse to the intoxicated, and the beacon of Lone Wolf is no exception. They stand out from copycat late-night haunts in their budget-minded pricing and eclectic offerings.

Several staple tacos hover right below the $1.10 mark, and their breakfast burritos stop just south of $1.90, so you get plenty of bite for your buck. They also offer downhome offerings like BLTs and sausage biscuits if Mexican doesn’t tickle your fancy.

VERACRUZ ALL NATURAL

TACO CABANA

LONE WOLF RESTAURANT

NOTABLE MENTION: TACO BELL Taco Bell receives the notable mention not because of their food quality, but because of their sheer reckless ambition. The convergence of food and scientific experimentation has the potential to change the world, and no research facility pushes the envelope more than Taco Bell Industries. Their experiments include mutations with names like the Biscuit Taco, Fiesta Potato, and Mountain Dew Kickstart Orange Citrus—and those are just breakfast items. Not since the Manhattan Project have there been such odd of names for such incredibly daring scientific experiments.

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TEXAS TOAST words by: mark stenberg // // photos: ian friedel

SONIC As comedian Cody Hustak points out, you can drive to Sonic between 2:00 and 4:00 for half-price drinks, or you can rollerblade there anytime for free food and money. And while my strict moral and professional code legally obligates me to discourage identity fraud, I find within Hustak’s criminal suggestion a salient point about Sonic’s business model. More so than many other hamburger chains, America’s Drive Through relies on its non food-related kitsch to anchor its appeal. Rollerblading servers— the iconic Sonic calling card—offer no gastronomic incentive, only the appeal of schadenfreude reminiscent of the kind present at freak shows or comedy roasts. The drive-in format, steeped in nostalgia and abundant in inefficiency, takes modern diners back to simpler times with its quaint charm.

The novel menu format, push-to-order FUN FACT: button and outdoor seating arena all draw The mints that Sonic hands attention toward the experience and away out come from a tradition from the food, which piqued my curiosity started by the owner, Troy as to the quality of their fare.

Smith, who wanted every customer to receive a free gift An important nota bene: my with their order. Smith wanted qualifications for informed food-reviews to remind his customers that include more than five years of professional they were worth a free mint. cooking experience, most recently at Bon So if you’re having a bad day, Appetit’s 2013 Best Restaurant of the Year. remember that.

I also was a college student, and ate mostly terrible food. My experience with both ends of the spectrum allows me to judge, with less bias than most, the objective tastiness of food. I understand restaurants, cooking and fine dining, but am also versed in junk food, being broke and having no time to cook. As a result, I can be frank about the taste of shitty food, because while I recognize most food chain is empirically terrible, if it actually does taste good then I happily morph into a flotsam-loving bottom feeder at the drop of a dime.

During my visit, I found Sonic had a few hits and several misses. The service was fantastic, though unbladed. Our server helped reswipe our credit cards after the machine failed to work, and after I lied and told him it was my first time at Sonic (to explain all the food), he gave me five (5) free Medium Cherry Limeade coupons. The waitstaff also, without prompting, paired our foods with appropriate sauces. Our waiter slid me two mints, and as if sharing a secret, told me the mints were actually really good, and that I should feel free to eat them at any point during the meal.

We began our meal with the Mozzarella Sticks ($2.49), which our server paired with marinara sauce, and the Ched ‘R’ Bites

($1.59), paired with Ranch. Eating the cheese-filled fried goods together allowed for interesting comparisons as they shared several features. The crunchy, hot crust was perfect on each—and honestly a highlight of the entire meal. The innards, one a thick white rope, the other a nacho-cheese lava tinged with a spiciness that played soft sweet notes, took different paths. The Mozzarella was a misfire, but the hot cheese, crunchy coating, and subtle spice made the Bites a real treat—bear in mind, the Mini order only offered two, and many more may have counteracted their appeal.

I ordered the Classic Crispy Chicken Sandwich ($4.49) and the Footlong Quarter Pound Coney ($3.59), while my dining companion opted for the Sonic Cheeseburger ($3.79), New York Dog ($1.99), and Tater Tots ($1.19). Nothing in particular stood out. The Chicken Sandwich was served on ciabatta bread—a touching gesture—but the bun, all the buns mind you, we’re on the cold side of town. The chicken had chew but no flavor and a surplus of mayo. The Coney looked attractive, but the chili was oddly sweet and dissolved in my mouth in a very suspect manner.

The cheeseburger held its own, and try as I might, I could not resist the charms of its smushed wheaty bun. The tomatoes were the standard lifeless orbs, and the meat had thinned itself nearly into oblivion. The New York Dog was a dim glow of flavor, mostly as a result of the bright Dijon and raw onion—perhaps the most flavorful of our entrées.

The Tater Tots, a comforting classic, could do no wrong and I gladly would have welcomed more.

We each had Medium Cherry Limeade in lieu of a shake or slush, which may seem a glaring omission to Sonic drinkdevotees, but I will personally vouch for any ice cream concoction Sonic serves. The week prior I enjoyed a Coconut Cream Pie Shake ($3.49), while my friend enjoyed the Peanut Butter Fudge Shake ($3.49). Almost without exception I would say that a trip to Sonic is incomplete without one of their drinks. Overall, Sonic’s strengths lie in their unique atmosphere and drink concoctions—a fact its owners know well, and one that explains the diminutive spotlight the food receives: she’s not a go-to dinner option, but a wonderful haunt on a warm summer night.

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BUNNIUS SQUISHIUS This particular invention comes from the Vedic philosophy of bending without breaking, and serves as an ever-present example of strength through resiliency, a common motif amongst the cuisine of the subcontinent.

PATTIUS INEDIBLUS Multiple carbon-dating tests have confirmed the approximate life period of this rare fossil as dating to the Beeftacious period, an era in which the thinning of the cell structure provided the greatest likelihood of survival.

LETTICIUS DECOMPOSIUS

THE LOO CONEY ATT KED BUT RACTIV WA THE C E, SW E S O D D L H I L I DISS ET AN Y MY OLVED D IN A MOUTH IN SUSP VERY MAN ECT NER .

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A rare vegetal strain native to the least hospitable ultra-climates of subarctic Iceland, this particular roughage contains nearly forty times the daily recommendation of fiber for an adult male, and must be consumed and handled with extreme caution.

TOMATI BISCOTTI From the tradition of Italian “biscotti,� this incredibly hard, crunchy tomato replica is actually an old Italian prank that usually occurs during harvest time, in which a meal of wax-covered cow manure is served to the oldest member of the household.

PICKLEA SICKLEA These pickles bear a strong resemblance to the modern day pickle, except the two products differ in the pickling solution. The modern brine uses salt to preserve the cucumber, but this scrappy pickle is the product of near constant friction resulting from the cucumber being placed in the shoe of the pickler.

THE SKINNY SKINNY ON: UBER // by: vanessa delgado

U

ber: the convenient cab service that makes getting to and from Saturday night simple, affordable and safe—or at least that marks the extent of an average student’s knowledge about the controversial, international ridesharing service. While its availability varies from city to city due to legislative differences, Uber and similar companies have become a welcome alternative to traditional taxicabs on college campuses across the country.

Born on the boulevards of Paris in 2009, Uber has been named one of the fastest growing companies on the planet, and investors such as Goldman Sachs, Google Ventures and Menlo are lining up to invest huge amounts of money into the service, betting on its success and growth.

The dream was to do away with the days of obnoxious arm flailing and whistling to hail a taxi on the side of the road, and Uber has done just that.

The convenience factor and userfriendly app eliminate the guesswork associated with typical cab services.

The bedrock concept behind Uber was to solve a problem the public didn’t know that it had—repairing the clunky cab system. For instance, one of Uber’s key features includes the ability to pay using a phone, eliminating an awkward payment exchange. With innovations like this and many others that make taxis look like dinosaurs, the question remains— why hasn’t Uber taken over?

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awareness of the inflated rate before agreeing to pay College Station, Corpus Christi, Waco and soon, GET OFF THE it. However, surge pricing has no limit, and in nonSan Marcos. However, other cities like San Antonio ROAD: emergency situations, surge pricing can skyrocket to have passed strict regulations regarding commercial Uber surge pricing six-to-eight times the regular fare. transportation, and these laws keep companies like raises rates in busy As for Uber employees—they couldn’t be Uber and Lyft from operating efficiently, effectively areas, yes, but a Washington Post study happier: scheduling flexibility, a boss-free workplace neutering their business plan. found it hurts another and a handsome wage all appeal to those looking for San Antonio’s efforts to regulate ride-hailing way. Prices rise in areas quick money. Uber states that drivers can make six companies stem from safety concerns, as one of the major with high demand in dollars more than a taxicab driver on average, and points in the city’s infamously prohibitive ridesharing order to lower demand, anyone can do it. When reached for comment, a ordinance is the requirement of background checks, incentivize drivers and—the big one—lure representative touched on the fact that Uber employs and San Antonio’s demands are not without precedent. drivers from other many college students and veterans. The rep for Unsavory anecdotes seem to shadow Uber into every areas to the stressed Uber also promoted the company’s role as a defense city, as tales of drivers drunker than the passengers zones. As a result, against drunk driving, a widespread issue that affects than they’re picking up are Uber drivers often fail almost every college student in some form. unfortunately common. to service non-surge areas, because why In a recent partnership between Uber and Live In San Antonio, in would they—it makes Nation Entertainment, Uber received exclusive addition to the second, less money. Clients in access to event attendees with their own designated city-mandated background these areas experience loading areas at over 62 Live Nation owned venues, check, other provisions such increased wait times, in addition to 20 festivals. The savvy partnership as vehicle inspections and occasionally extreme enough to cancel the takes full advantage of the context of each event— driver fees further hinder ride. So, next time you situations in which people rarely remain sober— Uber. As a result, Uber want an Uber at 2:00 in by offering safety and convenience, in addition to announced its intent to exit the morning, know that putting Uber in a potentially very lucrative spot the San Antonio market: either the prices will due to their Surge Pricing strategy. In an official “In one vote, the city has destroyed thousands of jobs get you or the wait time will—your choice. statement on Uber’s website, Uber announced that it and eliminated a safe transportation option. The city’s will soon be integrated into the Live Nation app. decision to ignore the will of 13,000 constituents who Uber and companies like it are the pioneers repeatedly urged the city to keep Uber in San Antonio of a new age in transportation—convenience and accessibility is disconcerting to say the least.” Despite more than 14,000 hallmark a concept the likes of which has never before existed. signatures supporting Uber, the problem remains that to grow, College students have quickly become one of the ridesharing Uber must comply with every individual city legislature, impeding company’s most darling demographics, and the smooth growth. mutualistic relationship benefits students who Another ugly side of Uber, their “Surge often find themselves in need of safe rides. Bear Pricing,” infamously transforms normally in mind, however, that riding with Uber, Lyft and affordable rides into highway robbery, converting similar companies remains risky, and students many Uber disciples into Lyft apostles, which should fully understand the responsibility they’re almost always caps their surge at double the normal accepting when riding with private transportation rate. Surge Pricing, also known as “Dynamic companies. Still, while many kinks remain to be Pricing,” describes Uber’s algorithmically fueled worked out, and it’s a caveat emptor situation to pricing system, which dictates how Uber responds say the least, the safe bet is that ridesharing is according to basic supply and demand. An Uber simply to tempting to fail. ride will be more expensive after a concert, large event or time of the night when the demand for drivers is greater than the supply of drivers on the road, which supposedly incentivizes Uber drivers to work and sedates demand by raising price points. From a consumer standpoint, however, the strategy can feel manipulative, in addition to eroding expectations of price stability.

Uber answered these indictments of consumer manipulation by creating multiple precautionary mechanisms within its app, essentially giving the FUN FACT: consumer a heads up when the fare has increased.

The idea for Uber came on a frigid day in Paris when For instance, when prices surge so high that they co-founder and CEO Travis Kalanick was trying to find double the normal cost, Uber requires the user to a ride to a 2008 LaWeb conference, but could not find manually type the surged amount before a ride a taxi. Kalanick now cites Paris as the inspiration for can be booked, which makes riders confirm their Uber” Necessity is the mother of invention!

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REMARKABLE ALUMNI // by: kim martinez

GRADUATE STUDIES When Patrick Noe graduated in May 2014 with a degree in Physics, he managed to achieve the dream of every college grad: landing a job, and his was not an average desk job either. Not even a month after graduation, the University of Texas at Austin graduate shipped off to what he thought was his dream job, spending weeks at a time offshore, living on the cold waters south of Scandinavia in the North Sea, mapping the bedrock of the ocean to look for oil.

“One of the things I remember the most were the storms,” says Noe. Storms rocked the sea for days at a time, with 30 ft. waves and winds as high as 50 miles per hour, leaving the crew unable to work until the bad weather passed. “We didn’t really have Internet all the way out there, so we had to do whatever we could to stay busy. We’d have like, epic, two hour games of dominoes or we’d play video games a lot. We had to get creative.”

In addition to the primordial environment, Noe was working five weeks on, five weeks off, and his shifts were twelve hours at a time. He and other engineers sat wordlessly in the bottom floor of a boat, working on repetitive tasks for half a day. The days blurred into each other, and the five weeks of work eroded into twelve-hour binaries of working or not working. On his breaks, when he flew back to America, he tried hard to see his friends and family, who he couldn’t communicate with while on the boat.. “I tried to make the most of my time off,” he says, but it was more difficult than expected, as his work schedule left him at odds with the schedules of his family and friends.

“There was a lot of downtime out at sea,” he recalls “but we were always on the boat so we had to find ways to pass the time.”

Because there was no internet access, he had to come prepared to face the boredom once the work day was over. “I brought a hard drive full of movies to watch, and I definitely read a lot of really long books when I was out there.” It wasn’t all videogames and movies, however. When flying back to work from time off, they had a day to spend in the city they landed in to relax and see the sights.

Ultimately, the experience of working with roughneck Eastern European sailors on a boat in the North Sea turned out differently than he expected it, and the hypnotizing work schedule felt unsustainable. Being devoid of communication with the outside world and stuck in a constant language barrier sapped him mentally, and the work became monotonous and never-ending. He left the job and returned to Austin, where he lives now while trying to figure out what the next step is.

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18 TO 60

LANGUAGES

ALL AROUND THE WORLD On the boat around 60 people lived in intimately close quarters, half of whom came from the United States and did the technical work, while the other half hailed from various European countries and were tasked with keeping the ship afloat. With ages ranging anywhere from 18 to 60, and multiple languages spoken on the boat, a little culture clash was all but inevitable—remarkably though, Noe said that everyone mostly got along great.

SUMMER GRUBBIN’ // words by: mark stenberg

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ood in Texas tends to run a little schizophrenic, constantly stuck in an identity crisis resulting from its multi-ethnic background. Unfortunately, while delicious, many of the cuisines adored in Texas are ill suited for summer consumption. When the mercury rises, the temperature dictates not only what to eat, but how to cook it. Lenoir restaurant in Austin, Texas, proposes a novel solution to this problem, developing a menu not based on cuisine, but latitude.

The idea goes that long ago, cultures developed their cuisine based off of what grew around them: the climate dictated what grew, which dictated what people ate.

Since what they ate came as a direct result of their geography, different locations produced entirely different cuisines. Food cultures developed inextricable ties to their surroundings: local animals ate local plants and were cooked over local wood with local spices.

As people moved, they tried and failed to transplant their cultural recipes, as necessary plants failed to grow in new climates, required spices were unavailable, and traditional animals were nowhere to be found. However, technological advances eventually created an international marketplace of ingredients, and food cultures formerly restricted to geography became untethered. Unfortunately—although limiting—cuisines benefit from matching their climate. Eating heavy, fatty food in hot climates discomforts the consumer, and light, raw food feels inadequate in cold, demanding climates. It becomes self-evident that the natural the natural symbiosis of food and geography exists for a reason.

Recognizing the disconnect between Texas food and Texas climate, chef/owner of Lenoir, Todd Duplechan, opened the restaurant with an idea to cook food suited to the climate. Interestingly enough—his philosophy expands rather than limits.

Texas shares latitudinal coordinates with countries such as Mexico, Morocco, Egypt, India and Thailand—all countries with climates similar to Texas’. Inhabitants of those countries tailored traditional foods to work well in hot weather. Although littered across the globe and using different, indigenous ingredients, they share the same ideology—keep food light, fresh, spicy, raw, and clean.

Unlike cold-weather cuisines, which heavily feature hearty, rich food to counteract the lower temperatures and often utilize cooking techniques such as roasting, braising, and baking, countries nearer the equator pickle, ferment, and acidulate many of their foods, often preferring to eat raw, uncooked ingredients. At Lenoir, they use techniques and recipes from these climate-paralleling countries, and combine them with Texas ingredients to make remarkable food.

Melissa Moss, the chef de cuisine at Lenoir, says eating locally simplifies the entire equation. It goes back to how people

LOCALLY SIMPLIFIES THE ENTIRE EQUATION. IT GOES BACK TO HOW PEOPLE ORIGINALLY DEVELOPED THEIR FOOD CULTURES BY EATING WHAT GREW IN THEIR REGION.

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originally developed their food cultures— by eating what grew in their region.

The climate dictates what can grow in an area, and correspondingly, local vegetables and fruits suit the weather. So eating locally takes the guesswork out of the equation, because if the ecosystem can’t produce it, it doesn’t suit the climate.

It may sound a little Birkenstock, but considering the complex interdependence of ecosystems, it makes sense to let your location determine your diet. In fact, in a somewhat macabre but poignant example, Lenoir has a signature springtime dish in which they serve buttermilk-braised rabbit with vegetables that the rabbit would’ve eaten, illustrating the interplay between climate, geography and cuisine.

Moss says that the Texas climate makes eating locally easy, because the abundance and variety of local products allows for massive variety, most of which can be eaten raw—ideal for the summer. She gravitates toward tomatoes, citrus, melons, chilies, and foods high in water-content, and she advises using recipes from geographically similar countries, such as curries or herb salads, and anything spicy or acidic. For bonus points eat food (not meat) raw—nutritional content is highest in uncooked food, but more importantly—less cooking means less heat, which results in more temperate foods and more pleasant kitchens. The tiny kitchen at Lenoir has adopted this concept literally, as cooking in their miniature alcove immediately heightens temperatures to uncomfortable perspiration levels. During the summer, the chefs strive to introduce as little unnecessary thermal energy as possible into the kitchen, keeping both the food and the staff temperate and appealing.

If a small kitchen overheating sounds familiar, it should. The philosophy at Lenoir aligns in several key junctures with typical college cookery. In fact, several college students work at Lenoir, and Audrey Alberthal, a future transfer to Texas State, described how the hot-weather food philosophy aligns with preexisting college-cooking practices.

First, because of the emphasis on vegetables and fruits, it’s inexpensive. Especially over the summer, the back of the house at Lenoir leaves the produce relatively unadorned, opting to let the vegetables and fruit speak for themselves.

For students, a foray into the vegetable kingdom can result in delicious, affordable food, as expensive accoutrements and proteins become unnecessary. Spend money on quality produce, cook it lightly, and the food will taste amazing and still cost less than other options.

Second, most college students lack the time or gumption to prepare elaborate meals, instead just wanting to eat something

quick immediately. Collegiate sloth again fits into the Lenoir philosophy, because eating raw or barely cooked food means less time in the kitchen, and it keeps your small kitchen from turning into a human oven. Alberthal suggested preparing produce at the beginning of the week to cut down on meal preptime, in addition to providing easier access to temperatureappropriate foods. And, Moss says if you do have to cook, grilling is the way to go. It takes DATE NIGHT: very little time, In addition to complimenting the climate, the food but it also keeps at Lenoir is nationally recognized and some of the the heat out of absolute best in the city—and it’s affordable. Three the house and courses runs for $40, in a format where each diner chooses three items out of a possible twelve, each of yields cooked, but which is amazing. Sidebar: the space is hands down not overly heavy the most romantic indoor restaurant in Austin, and proteins—perfect their outdoor patio is perfect for the summer. for avoiding the sluggish feeling that fatty, rich foods will create.

Finally, if at all able, Moss suggests frequenting the farmers markets, as they simplify the processing of buying local food—it takes the guesswork out of the thing that takes out the guesswork! The food will be fresher, seasonal and local, and it can be interesting to see varietals exclusive to Texas.

If impossible, which it often seems to most college students, simply purchasing produce that could grow locally will help you achieve nearly the same results. Or, you can avoid all the hassle and just go to Lenoir— your choice.

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NUTTY PROFESSOR // by: vanessa delgado

THE NUTTY PROFESSOR Lanny S. Lambert is both a Texas Government and Management Professor at Northwest Vista College in San Antonio, Texas, and a native Texan, a fact clearly evident in his dialect. More impressively, Lambert boasts an NUTTY impressive 4.7 out of 5 on RateMyProfessor.

PROFESSOR: com, making him a San Antonio Lanny S. Lambert celebrity. His relaxed persona makes him Northwest Vista approachable and likable to his students, College, and his class is an easy favorite. Lambert has San Antonio, TX a deep-seated passion for teaching, one he inherited from his mother, an art professor.

With his Texan drawl, sharp sense of humor and vast knowledge of Texan Government and Politics, he creates an atmosphere less like a classroom and more like a book club or informal study group, occasionally treating the class to Rudy’s barbecue, pizza and sometimes a rare lakeside class.

Apart from his part-time job teaching college students, Lambert holds the position of City Manager for the City of Converse, Texas. It was at his first job as a water-meter reader, that he “met the City Manager of Abilene, saw what he did, and decided at that age, 16, to become a City Manager.” Lambert went to Abilene Christian University to get his Bachelor’s Degree in Political Science and Texas Tech for his Master’s in Public Administration. His first City Manager job was as Assistant City Manager and City Secretary for Littlefield, Texas.

“I was still going to Texas Tech and commuting from Littlefield to Lubbock to finish my degree.

If you know a professor who After graduation, I was hired by Junction, has an interesting side-job Texas, to be their first City Administrator. or hobby, and you think With 19 employees, I ran the motor grader, they’d be a good candidate the garbage truck and the dump truck if an for the Nutty Professor, email your suggestions to: mark@ employee called in sick or quit. I learned more studybreaks.com there about true City Management than I could have ever learned in a larger city.”

Lambert’s first job very quickly set him on the straight and narrow path toward municipal management. “I saw that the man with all the money and power was the City Manager, “ he says. A City Manager is an individual appointed by the city to manage a municipality, and they’re typically responsible for the administration of all city departments. They answer to the mayor and elected

officials, and often have the ability to appoint department heads.

Lambert relates the city government system to the bureaucracy of a company, paralleling the mayor to the chairman of the board, city council to the board of directors and the City Manager to the CEO of the company, except that the mayor and city council hire the CEO based on their professional qualifications.

Lambert emphasized the similarities between a city and a business, and advised students looking to pursue a career in government to take classes in business management and psychology.

“Management is all about motivating people to perform. It’s is the same wherever you go: I’m a city manager, but I have the skills to do the same thing for a A city manager is an individual appointed company like General Motors.” by the city to manage Lambert reflected on the beginning of his a municipality. They career in government, which has now spanned are responsible for the almost four decades but started with landing his administration of all first City Manager job through the sheer power departments of the city, and answer to the mayor of persuasion. Like many college students, and elected officials, and Lambert remembered having no idea what he typically have the ability to was doing when he first got the job. Even with appoint department heads. a freshly minted Master’s Degree in Public Administration, Lambert had no experience running a city. “Honestly I learned nothing of practical use in my Master’s classes.” Without any practical experience, Lambert used information he found in books and the advice from older City Managers to guide him along.

A self-described “people pleaser,” Lambert finds a lot of fulfillment in helping the community and solving the city’s problems.

He enjoys meeting and interacting with all the people that he meets as a City Manager, but, as a former Boy Scout, Lambert especially enjoys working with the Scouts, whose professionalism and service to the city he finds highly commendable. In his career, Lambert is most proud of the buildings he has constructed in various cities, because from fire stations to libraries, Lambert’s aim was always to leave something to the community after he’d left.

VD:

VD:

If you couldn’t be a city manager,

I do too! I thought about majoring in

what other job could you see yourself

History. Who is someone you admire,

doing?

dead or alive?

LL:

LL:

Even though I teach already, I would have gotten my Ph.D in History and become a History professor. I’d love to be reading and researching about history. I love history, as you may have noticed, I always slip in some history in my classes.

Just recently, I’ve read a biography about Calvin Coolidge, very conservative, very fiscally conservative. I think he created The Roaring 20’s. If people had listened to him, I think The Great Depression could’ve been prevented.

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FAKE OR CAMPUS WATCH // by: mark stenberg

WANT TO SUBMIT? If you have a funny story that involves student/police involvement, shoot Study Breaks an email at mark@studybreaks.com. Or if you want to send us made-up ones, go ahead—we’ll try and determine which are real and fake, so the game never ends…

FAKE? CAMPUS WATCH

Students do stupid things in college, and sometimes the police get involved. In this section, we have three actual police reports of student antics and three fake reports.

Think you can tell the difference?

CRIMINAL TRESPASS WARNING:

CRIMINAL TRESPASS:

OR

A non-student was found sleeping at an outdoor table. The sleeping subject was found to have previously been gifted a criminal trespass warning for the campus and was taken to a place where he could sleep more comfortably in a bed.

Or, something a bit closer to a bed than a bench.

THEFT:

A student reported the theft of an Apple iPhone 5 from their vehicle, while they left it unattended for an hour while running an errand. The vehicle is stated to have been unlocked and one of the windows left down. The subject has previously had reported thefts due to an unlocked vehicle.

Loss value: $200

A student left his brown leather Hermes belt with a gold “H” belt buckle, and some of his clothes on a 2nd floor men’s locker room bench while he placed his swim suit in a clothes dryer. When the student returned a few minutes later he discovered his belt had been stolen. Loss value: $815.00. That’s right, $815.00.

Key: Real, Fake, Fake, Real, Real, Fake, ,

A non-university subject was reported as “camping out”” on the second floor of the library. When stopped, the subject stated she came to the library after being “stood-up” on Valentine’s Day. The subject was issued a valentine in the form of a written criminal trespass warning.

THEFT:

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CRIMINAL TRESPASS:

PUBLIC INTOXICATION:

A non-university subject set-up a makeshift campsite inside a men’s restroom near the gas pumps. The subject erred by exiting the restroom while an officer was refueling his squad car.

The officer identified the non-student subject and discovered the subject had previously received a written criminal trespass warning. The subject now “camps” near a central booking restroom.

A non-student was found to be walking aimlessly along the street, nearly walking into traffic.

When questioned, the subject thought he was in Tallahassee, Florida.

The subject was found to be under the influence of an alcoholic beverage to the point he was deemed to be a danger to himself.

ADOPTION IN RUSSIA by: devin garza

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ADOPTION IN RUSSIA Alex D’Jamoos, born Alex Schulchev, grew up in an orphanage for disabled children in Nizhny Lomov, Russia. He was born with legs that didn’t allow him to walk, so in order to move around, he pushed himself on a scooter against the floor with his hands. Alex still has the scooter today, but for a different reason: to remind him of where he came from and the challenges he’s overcome. Alex recently walked across the stage at the University of Texas at Austin, using his prosthetic legs, to receive his diploma to the applause of his family, who adopted him eight years ago.

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I

met Alex in the Student Union Building of the University of Texas at Austin. My first impression was that he was effortlessly polite, as if he really meant his manners, and was at the same time laid-back. I was thankful for his easy conversation; going into the interview, I was nervous because I didn’t know much about Alex, except that he had climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, an impressive feat for any mortal. But he did it twice, and with prosthetic legs. Not only that, but he had also been had recently been accepted into Boston Law. In my estimation, and by any reasonable person’s, this guy seemed to be going places. As I clumsily tried in my golden retriever way to start the interview, Alex’s quiet self-assurance and calm confidence grounded me. That’s what I remember most as I write this: Alex’s diplomacy. And that’s a good sign, as that’s the business he plans on getting into.

Alex studied Government with an emphasis on Foreign Affairs and Russian Studies, which sounds like the type of background common to our nation’s under-employed intelligentsia currently working as baristas or bartenders. Thankfully, Alex does not belong to that class. In his case, it sounds like the perfect training to become a future leader in American-Russian relations. This upcoming school year, he’ll be teaching at a private boarding school in Andover, Massachusetts. Next year, he’ll start at Boston University, where he hopes to study international law. I asked Alex about how he wants to use his degree.

What are your goals for the future?

“I hope to take part in bilateral relations between Russia and the United States. Not just political relations—but business, corporate and trade as well—because now the situation with Russia is so difficult that American diplomats and State Department representatives are not as effective in working with Russians. The people that are effective are businessmen, American companies and law firms that work in Russia—the private sector.”

Can you give an example how people in government aren’t effective where someone in the private sector could be?

“The adoption ban is a really good example…

Whenever American ambassadors or general counsels in US embassies used to negotiate about adoption, it was almost like words in the wind: it didn’t matter that much to the Russian public, and it didn’t really improve the reputation of adoption, because a lot of Russians think that…it’s unfair that Americans are taking Russian kids.”

Alex is referring to a Russian ban on American adoptions signed

by President Putin in late 2012.

The law was passed in response to a measure by the US to bar Russian citizens accused of violating human rights from traveling

to, or owning real estate and other assets in, the United States.

The ban caused outrage in both countries, especially among those families who at the time of the ban’s passage were in the final stages of adopting a Russian child.

Is that why the ban was imposed?

“Well, it was for multiple reasons. There were a few accidents in which I think there were about nineteen or twenty deaths of Russian adopted kids in America. The Russian media used these tragedies to create this idea that the ‘Americans are taking our kids and aren’t taking care of them,’ and they would show that all the time. Even when I was at the orphanage…there was always this myth that Americans were taking our kids for organ purposes. Stuff like that, crazy myths. But it was there.”

One such instance was the death of Chase Harrison, born Dmitri Yakovlev, in July 2008. The child died of heatstroke when his father, Miles Harrison, left him in the car for over nine hours. Mr. Harrison was later acquitted of involuntary manslaughter.

Another instance of parental neglect by an American adoptive parent, which Alex referenced, was in 2010 when Tory Ann Hansen sent her seven-year-old adopted son, Artyom, whom she had named Justin, alone on a plane to Moscow with a note explaining that she could no longer take care of him.

The number of orphans in Russia is staggering. Alex said that the lowest estimate he had seen was over 100,000. “The problem is what do you do with them?” he said. “Domestic adoption is not that developed, and so there aren’t that many kids being adopted by Russian families.” Although the government offers some incentives for Russians to adopt, Alex pointed to the fact that since the suspension of American adoptions, there has not been an increase in domestic adoptions. “There’s no interest,” he said.

When I asked Alex how Americans could help Russian orphans if they can’t adopt them, he said to focus on supporting organizations that help Russian orphans in Russia, like Happy Families, the organization that helped him to get the surgery that enabled him to walk today. But, he added, “The first thing to remember is that there’s nothing to do about this. It’s not possible to influence the Russian government. It’s very unlikely, given the current political issues between Russia and the United States. Later, he summed up the tragedy of this situation: “It’s quite crazy. The children became the victims of political tensions.”

In addition to a Facebook page that Alex created called Orphans Without Borders, which exists to connect people who have adopted internationally, Alex also pointed to the Kilimanjaro hikes that he and others have completed as a way to raise awareness and support for international adoption among a Russian audience. “You see a kid without legs climbing a mountain,” Alex said, “you’ll think, ‘they can do anything they want.’ And that’s just an example.

I’m not saying everyone has to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. It’s the most extreme way of demonstrating the normality of those kids.

But you sometimes have to show the

oldskull.org

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pri.org

most extreme way for people to get it. It’s just a small step.”

As I understand, the Russian public also has more conservative values. Is that correct?

“Well, it’s definitely not liberal, that is, in the sense of classical liberalism.

Freedom of speech is not the first thing that comes to people’s minds when you ask them what they value about their country, for different reasons. That’s a long discussion. But there is nearunanimous support for the government.

The government is very nationalistic, and is becoming increasingly nationalistic in the past year since the Ukraine thing started. Putin’s approval ratings are around 80 percent.”

Do you think the American portrayal of Russian people is biased?

“It is biased. I worked at a Russian newspaper last summer for my thesis. I wanted to work as a journalist for a major newspaper in Moscow for two months to experience what they feel like—are they censored, what the atmosphere feels like.

It’s funny—when the plane was hit above Ukraine last July, I was watching a Russian TV channel and I was watching Fox News at the same time, and to see what each side was saying was very interesting. And surprisingly, when it came to the tragedy, who was blaming whom, both sides had a very uncritical way in presenting what happened. By uncritical I mean not many questions were asked. They had conclusions already of who was responsible.”

THE ORPHANAGE Can you talk about some of those conditions in orphanages that people don’t know about?

“I grew up in a small orphanage, but most of them are quite big. I grew up in an orphanage of about 80 kids, so my orphanage wasn’t that bad. We didn’t have hard drugs or anything like that. The food was not great. I would feel hungry fairly often. I would hide bread under my pillow sometimes at night so JUNE 2015 | 33 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

I could eat. Sometimes we wouldn’t have hot water for months during the summers, stuff like that. We all had to share.

Imagine a bunch of kids with various disabilities: some of them had wheelchairs; some of them had urinary problems. So, not the most sanitary conditions. We all had to share a bathroom.

Two bathtubs for eighty boys.”

What was medical care like?

“It was okay. All of us needed some kind of equipment, usually. I had no legs, so what I used was a scooter that had four wheels and I just pushed myself against the ground. Sometimes a wheel or two would break and I wouldn’t get a new one for a while. Stuff like that. Sometimes people’s wheelchairs broke.

There were limited financial resources to get new medical equipment right away.

Obviously there was no personal care, no love. That definitely has a psychological impact that sometimes expresses itself in various forms of behavior that is inappropriate, sometimes violent. Psychological disorders come out of that. I was okay I guess.”

You seem pretty well-adjusted.

“We went to a summer camp every summer and we would see kids from different orphanages. And they weren’t kids with disabilities—they were healthy kids from Moscow orphanages.

And we were shocked by how rowdy they were. They were all tatted up and doing drugs, and it reminded us that we did not live in the worst place in the world. Another tough thing was being in public. Every time we left the orphanage we would be stared at.

I remember our teacher would take us on a walk and everybody, adults and kids, would stop what they were doing and stare at us as if we were out of this world, as if we were aliens. It wasn’t a sort of compassion—it was just a form of bewilderment.”

ALEX’S STORY “I remember the first time I arrived in the states. That was eight years ago. I was in the airport in Atlanta, and I was pushing myself against the floor and it was probably the first time in my life that people didn’t stop and stare at me. It’s pretty interesting.”

Did you feel that people weren’t staring at you because they were more accepting, or did you get the sense that people were uncomfortable?

“Obviously, there are people who are going to do that just out of politeness. But nevertheless, it was a drastic change from everybody looking at you.”

Do you think that’s an educational difference?

“I think it’s people being more tolerant. This idea…that everybody can do whatever they want. This idea is so inherent in the vast majority of Americans’ minds. Obviously, there are inequalities, but on the physical level at least, I feel people don’t form these sort of attitudes. You see a person in a wheelchair, you don’t think, ‘He/She must be really different from me and do things differently and have different mental capacities,’ something that definitely would be thought in Russia. That’s the difference.”

When you were younger, what did you expect your life was going to be like before you knew you were going to move here?

“I never thought I would move here, to be honest. Even when I was coming to the States, I didn’t think I would stay here.

I thought I was just coming for a surgery. But in terms of how I view my surroundings in life, I think one major difference is that in Russia, people expect less malleability in terms of their experience in life. Less opportunity, less mobility. Things are like

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they are and they will always be that way. There’s more acceptance of the constraints that surround you. Here, I feel my self-esteem has gone up, and my hope for things. In Russia I didn’t care that people stared at me, there’s nothing you can do about that. So you feel hopeless, but everybody embraces their hopelessness.”

And then the day-of…

“It happened. Afterwards it was a very painful experience. A lot of phantom pain, something you can’t really treat.”

How did you get through that?

[We laugh] That sounds like a very Russian thing to say.

“Here I think there is definitely more restlessness, and it’s encouraged. By restlessness I mean belief that you can change.

How people see you, what you can do, what you are capable of in general. I’ve changed, and I think in Russia there is a way to encourage acceptance.”

“Just patience and the willingness to do it. I don’t know. It was about a month and a half. It’s very difficult to go through. I think now I would be less patient with it. But at the time it was the first time I was out of the country, so all these experiences kept my mind off what was going on. I was a bit distracted.”

How long after you arrived did you get the surgery?

Can you talk about how it came about that you got to have the surgery?

“It’s a funny story. When I was eight I started writing poetry.

Poetry is very popular in Russia, there’s a lot of poetry contests and stuff. I started writing poetry and participating in various competitions in different towns in Russia. I was one of those [air quotes] “talented” kids that the orphanage had, and any time they had guests of any sort with a camera crew, they would always do a talent show for them and they would ask whatever talented kids— whoever sang or read poetry—to sing in front of the camera.

So when I was 15—that’s when I met Natasha—she was making a documentary about Russian orphanages. She was with a film crew and was trying to do the same thing we just talked about: raise awareness to show how orphans lived. So I was one of the kids that they put in front of the camera after the said, ‘Can you read your poetry?’ That’s how I met Natasha. We talked about architecture and literature and Russian film…so we became friends and she decided to help me. She was running this adoption agency and knew a few people at the Scottish Rite hospital and said, ‘Hey, do you want to walk?’”

“Yeah, that’s basically how it went. She said, ‘Do you want things to change?’”

So you come to America, and you’re expecting to get this surgery.

Are you nervous? Did you speak English at all at this point?

Can you talk a little about your disability?

“I had legs that were a little bit too short and basically couldn’t bend. So, they were going to cut off my legs. But I didn’t think about it until the day-of.”

What was your relationship like with them during that first month when you didn’t’ expect that they were going to become your parents?

“It changed. At first they were just my host family. But it was a bit strange to be in the house, living in a home. My home was an orphanage that I shared with a hundred other kids.

They were extremely nice, very caring. I came on Christmas Eve, actually, the evening of the twenty-fourth. And they bought me a bunch of gifts, and I came to a house with a giant Christmas tree that had a pile of gifts and I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is a dream.’ One of the gifts was an mp3 player. At that age I was already so into music, and I saw an mp3 player that had two gigabytes of music and was out of this world. So that was one of the best things I’ve ever gotten.

What did you call your parents then?

She just asked you that question one day?

“I didn’t speak English at all. I wasn’t very nervous, I think I was just… it’s the first time I’m in a new country; it’s so exciting and cool. And so I took it out of my mind that they’re going to cut off my legs.”

“A month. They [Helene and Mike D’Jamoos] showed me around Dallas, and we did all these fun things, and then I had the surgery.”

I called them Mike and Helene. They were very nice. They had their own baby just three months right before I arrived.

And then they have this 16-year-old guy whose legs just got cut off, and they have to take care of their own kid. They’re extremely brave for being willing to do that. After about three to four months my legs healed and I started doing the orthopedic treatment. They started measuring my legs to fit me for prosthetics. At about that time they asked me if I wanted to stay in the states and asked me to be a part of their family. One thing we did with Happy Families is we made a documentary about that, about me. Just as an example that you can take a child out of the orphanage and change their life. It’s obviously difficult, and not always possible with everybody, but the idea that you can is very important.”

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COVER MODEL: JESSICA DELGADO // by: mark stenberg // photography: stephen dement photography

July Cover Girl

Last September, Jessica Delgado was living what she calls “the typical college-girl lifestyle,” drinking every weekend, partying and eating fast food. One morning she woke up, looked in the mirror and decided to change her life.

She cut back on her drinking and began going to the gym every day, which helped her get in shape but also had a positive effect on her mood. “It made me confident and helped me release a lot of insecurities, because before I wasn’t in the best place emotionally.”

Jessica lost 40 pounds, denying herself a trainer because she wanted to workout on her own terms. Also, she couldn’t afford one. Now, Jessica’s majoring in Kinesiology and receiving her NASM Certification as an Athletic Trainer, with the hope of helping other girls who went through the same thing she did.

“Trainers who’ve been skinny their whole life can’t relate to people trying to lose weight,” she explains, “but I can empathize because I’ve been there.”

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IN HER FREE TIME: “I love EDM: Cascade, Tiesto—anyone, I just love the energy.” At the photo-shoot, she stopped several times to ask about the music playing, and asked everyone in the vicinity if they were going to the show in Corpus Christi. She also loves cooking, and rarely goes out to eat—when she does splurge, she gets chicken and vegetables, so it’s an anti-splurge.

FITNESS FANATIC: As a Kinesiology major, soon-to-be certified Athletic Trainer and self-proclaimed gym rat, Jessica has a few opinions on working out, but generally just encourages people to do what they want. Except CrossFit. She incredulously called out a member of the shoot for doing CrossFit, but then caught herself before things got out of hand.

MEN: She’s currently single, and says the main thing she avoids in guys is cockiness. But ambition, the better-looking twin brother of cockiness, is the most attractive quality a guy can have, so she walks a fine line. “Ambitious, someone who has big goals and dreams, is genuine and respectful. I don’t know,” she stops, “it’s hard to find that these days.”

FOOD RULES: Jessica hates onions, which is unfair because she’s probably just never met a good one, but peanut butter on the other hand, has a place in her heart. “I want to die surrounded by my family with peanut butter in each hand,” she says, fulfilling fantasies of peanut-butterand-death fetishists worldwide.

DREAM JOB: A trainer, as she’s said, is the number one goal. She just wants to help people, but if she had her druthers about location, she’d be leading spin classes on the beach. “Anywhere tropical. I love the sun and beach so living where it’s hot, maybe some sort of island,” she says. Ideally, “I would travel, trying different foods and seeing different beaches,” anything’s fine as long as there’s a gym and peanut butter nearby.

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TOPICAL CREAM // by: mark stenberg

SUMMER SCHOOL

Every year or so summer rolls around, and with it comes summer school.

The scholastic equivalent of the middle child, it’s easy to lament the inevitable, once-per-collegiate-career purgatory of summer school, but every cloud truly does have a silver lining—summer school cloud included. So whether Fortuna has decided you ripe for your semester of penitence, or you managed to duck the draft and are living the pura vida on the sunny shores of the Third Coast, it’s important to know what to expect FOREIGN from the Macaulay Culkin semester.

LANGUAGES: Usually, at least one reliable bond Taking foreign language unites the attendees of the interterm, classes over the and bond thy name is necessity. Outside summer is actually of overachieving nerds that can easily better than taking them during the year. The be spotted and avoided, most summer intense class-schedule, students take classes because they have often every day of the to for some reason. As a consequence, week for hours, comes just about everyone on campus shares a close to replicating an common enemy, a timeless technique for immersion program— the undisputed best way generating group identity: the Romans to learn a language. did it to the Carthaginians, and summer In addition to the students do it to obligation. The resulting hours spent speaking product: a healthy dose fraternal the language in class, camaraderie that makes entire campus once your classmates turn into your friends, buzz with a collective soul. practicing with them Periphery components of summer accelerates your grasp school further encourage the development on the language and of this hive mentality, an important one the development of your being the odd schedule. Often, classes friendship. Win-win! stretch for two to three hours, sometimes five days a week. Forced commingling occurs, and conversation will inevitably claw its way of the awkward silence. Before long, a bone fide group of honest-to-goodness summer compatriots stitches itself together, despite the best efforts of your impossibly sweaty clothes. Over time a metamorphosis occurs, and college becomes like an enjoyable version of high school, and as the classes continue, the forced friendship becomes more organic, and phase two of weird-schedule-friends begins.

After classes, you’ll hopefully have very little to do, and what’s more—all your fairweather friends have abandoned you for the beach. Your only course of action, then, becomes reaching out to your new friends, with whom you may have tentatively begun the fragile out-of-class bonding process under the guise of doing classwork. As water erodes even the mightiest mountains, your repetitive interactions will slowly tear down personal barriers.

Summer nights spent at summer school become like those mythical first days of regular semesters, where everyone is on campus together, but no one has anything to do yet. Within a week or so, those halcyon times fade and schoolwork once again crushes you under its heel—but not in the summer. It’s all the good with none of the bad. Night after night of hanging out on porches, drinking beer, listening to cicadas, stirring up summer love and not living at home. You’ve made new friends, which opens up brand new doors, and you have a balmy three-month period to explore them. The world is your oyster.

In addition to making new friends, you’re getting ahead scholastically. Even only one or two classes saves you swaths of time in the long run, and because time is money, you actually save loads of money, and because a penny saved is a penny earned, you actually make thousands of dollars at summer school. And when the sun finally sets on your summer of love, you’ll have the satisfying knowledge that you got a leg up on your academic competition, subtly though, like working out at night or replacing Hot Pockets with Lean Pockets. Mostly though, there’s a good chance that you accomplished more than your expat amigos, and you had more fun.

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THIS MONTH IN GUNS: CAMPUS CARRY // by: vanessa delgado

CAMPUS CARRY LAWS

N

on-Texans often consider Texas the home of the Wild West—a mythical land where unhinged vigilantes swagger around in cowboy boots, ride horses to work and sleep with a pillow under their guns. And while many Texans do wear slick looking boots, the lack of revolver-toting gunslingers would disappoint most fantasies, as fortunately one of the shared goals of Texans is to avoid reverting to the days of settling scores

with duels.

In fact, according to the Texas Politics Project, a mere 16 percent of Texans want to see gun control laws weakened. Unsurprisingly, a bill that passed in Austin at the beginning of June has garnered a load of controversy for debating the right of students to carry guns on campus. If signed into law by Governor Greg Abbott—which is expected to the point of certainty—the law would compel all Texas universities to allow licensed gun owners to carry their concealed their firearms into classrooms, dormitories and other campus buildings.

The bill narrowly avoided death, passing just minutes before the midnight deadline because of the heavy facelift it required to pass muster with the legislature. The opponentmandated caveats led to the perception that the content was diluted, as the restrictions include: required ownership of a concealed handgun license—duh, giving private universities an opt-out option and providing public universities the right to designate specific “gun-free zones.” The bill is, for all intents and purposes, not watered down at all: requiring gun licenses, granting private universities self-rule and reserving small, gun-less areas of campus are hardly impositions to the spirit of the law.

While gun rights activists are rejoicing, critics are condemning the bill for a number of reasons. One of the most high profile opponents is Admiral William McRaven, former Navy SEAL, mastermind behind the Bin Laden assassination and incumbent Chancellor of the fifteen-campus University of Texas System. “I’m a guy that loves my guns,” Admiral McRaven said. “I have all sorts of guns,” he reiterated, “I just don’t think bringing guns on campus is going to make us any safer.”

The bill in question, dubbed “Campus Carry,” has everyone on campus carrying on about gun control. School shootings across the nation have caused many to push for stricter gun control laws, and although the bill focuses on providing a means of protection, opponents remain unconvinced any real threat exists in the first place.

Critics of the bill also argue that universities would have to employ professional security on campus in order to regulate the gun usage, causing students to worry that they will end up footing the bill for heightened security measures in their already unaffordable tuition. Having to endure security to get to class discourages attendance and lowers morale, especially in conjunction with knowing that those classes will be littered with gun-carrying, stressed out adolescents.

The bill essentially creates a problem out of a solution, as the very bedrock concept of the bill—students need guns to protect themselves at school—fights fire with fire, an idea students would learn is bad if they could summon the courage to attend classes.

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EXTINCT THIS MONTH: Pencil Sharpeners In the same way arguments against electric cars rely on the lack of refueling stations, the death of the iconic yellow #2 pencil directly relates to the slow disappearance of pencil sharpeners. Mounted, electrical or handheld, these necessary sister implements have all but disappeared from the scholastic landscape, taking as their regrettable casualty the coolest writing instrument since the quill.

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CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT // by: jacquelyn wingo

JILL CERVANTES Major: Dual degree in Business Marketing and Advertising Hometown: San Antonio, TX Age: 22 Instagram: loveeejillian “Dream no little dreams” -Kent R. Hance 1. What do you do?

I dare say my days of waiting tables may now be over. Currently I am employed by the Texas Tech Football program, led

by Head Coach Kliff Kingsbury. I recruit prospective football players for the Red Raider football team.

2. How did you get this job? photograph: jeff ramirez

PROS Getting to meet top athletes in the nation

I was selected to be a member of Texas Tech President’s Select, which works very closely with the President’s Office, Athletics Department and Undergraduate Admissions. As a result of my participation in President’s Select, I was offered a parttime paid position as a football team recruiter.

3. Duties?

Getting to know the coaching staff and being a part of the football family

When a prospective player and his family visit, I am the face of Texas Tech, providing tours of our beautiful campus and football facilities. When not meeting with families, I provide administrative support for the Football Training Facility.

Help make life changing decisions for young athletes

CONS

4. Do you build relationship with these players?

Not getting to sleep in on Saturdays, and that’s it!

Yes, I get to know each and every player to some degree through our dealings in the office. Everyone adheres to a strict code of conduct that serves to maintain a supportive family atmosphere along with the utmost professionalism.

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PING: THE APP DESTROYING APP // by: elizabeth moore

THE APP DESTROYING APP Millennials—I’m sure you’re tired of hearing the word: what started as a helpful descriptor has been reduced to a vague insult. Millenials are always on their phone.

Millennials are lazy. Millennials only make relationships online. To the media, millennials are the go-to scapegoat for all things moral dissolution, and are apparently fraying the fragile fabric of decent society. It seems, however, that the verdict may have been cast prematurely, and the negative attitudes toward millennials might be misguided, because honestly—it’s not easy being us.

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We are the first generation to truly live in the digital era—we grew up with dialup and AOL messenger, and if nothing else should be cut some slack for that. We were infants when people still paid for email service—and we all know that one parent still paying for their Yahoo account. Though the media disagrees, we are the new pioneers, the ones wading through the murky waters of a new era, and in 2000 years, robot teachers will teach robot students about millennials, “The Greatest Human Generation.”

Our brave new world has become digital, and we’re the ones responsible for navigating it.

As a result, a lot of things have changed—perhaps none more than personal interactions. While it’s difficult to even imagine how our parents functioned without cellphones, much less date without Tinder, the sword is a double-edged one: texting a friend “omw” makes plan coordination easier, but these new modes of communication come fraught with side-effects. A paradoxical relationship exists between social media use and social interactions, as the number of apps designed to make communicating simpler actually make it much more complicated. For instance, when our parents wanted to meet with their friends their mission was riddled with obstacles: calling landlines, hoping they answered, writing down directions because no handheld GPS guided with seductive British whispers—but the complications were fewer and more visible.

Now, it’s all too easy to drown in an ocean of social media subtlety. A text to someone you’re “talking to” without a response—explainable, but if they just posted on Instagram—cold betrayal. Ultimately, the more avenues of communication, the more ways in which people can be not contacting you. Compare every second your phone receives a text to every second your phone could receive a text, and the dark side of uncapped communication becomes apparent.

En ha nced

communication has diluted the potency of connection, and in a poisonously self-perpetuating cycle, the more time spent interacting, the less value the interactions have. The result is countless hours of mindless scrolling through Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter just to stay connected: like the Red Queen says, “It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place.”

Enter the creators of an app called Ping Social, the brainchild of three University of Texas students: Will Ko, co-founder and CEO; Winston Tri, co-founder and lead ios developer, and Wes Cole, director of marketing. “Ping all started with a problem,” says Will, seated in a conference room at the trendy startup-incubator Capitol Factory, located in downtown Austin. “The problem was that getting together in our generation is kind of a mess.” Inviting someone to a Facebook event borders on impersonal, but texting an acquaintance can verge on too personal. They were looking for an efficient, creep-free way to make plans with friends. “We wanted to create an organizer centered around local events and social media. It’s a lot more casual than a Facebook event and not as intimate as a text message,” Winston explains.

So how does Ping Social work? You create an event on Ping— say, margaritas at Trudy’s at five, and your friends on Ping—only friends that you approve by the way—can see the event. They can comment on it, or simply click an “Attending” button. Your friend’s events (coined “pings”) are conveniently displayed on a map. “Ping is rooted in friendships and community,” says Wes. This way, you can see all your friends’ events in one place, as well as check out who’s going—all without the inconvenience of a lengthy text message exchange. “My a-ha moment,” Wes says, “the moment I really said to myself that ‘Wow, we’re really doing something and benefitting from it,’ is one night we decided we were going to watch a scary movie. Before we created Ping, we would have

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but-hip twenty-something’s sashaying texted people to join us. Instead, we put it around, fair-trade coffee in hand. “This on Ping. These girls showed up, who we were place is great, because it’s a creative space friends with, but not exactly close enough to populated by startups. What’s more, is that invite them via text to watch a scary movie— you can book office hours with mentors— because that’s pretty personal. They showed up mentors being CEOs of successful businesses with popcorn and we all had a great time. I don’t in the tech world.” think that would have happened without the aid In the fast-paced tech world, business of Ping”. owners as young as Will and Winston come as no The fathers of Ping claim that their product surprise, and so the atmosphere is understandably stands out amongst the saturated app landscape, unbuttoned, and while the ambience at Ping may reflect because “a lot—basically all—of social media focuses on what the tech world, it also shows the overall mindset of millennials already happened. So if I’m going through Facebook, I’m in the work force. “The focus has shifted from the looking at the past. I’m looking at things that have already presentation of your company,” Will says, happened. But when I look at Ping, I’m looking “to more focused on building a great at opportunities. I’m looking at product. It’s not about what you wear or chances to hang out, to make a how you look. As long as you work hard, real human connection. That’s the that’s what matters in the end. cool thing about us.”

The importance of teamwork too, Ping Social aims to be the app seems to be a motif for the motley that will fix all the social media Activity undergrads. “Build your team,” says Will. woes of millennials, but as Will “Find people who believe in your vision, acknowledges, “It’s kind of ironic, ests because you can’t do it by yourself.” because we built an app to hopefully 3 Friend Requ Will, Winston and Wes have embodied reduce the amount of time you spend : to u yo d Chandler invite rthday Party that idea to an extent some would call on social media.” Their aim though, is Bi nd 22 r’s Taylo reckless—in addition to being business to “connect people in real life, versus d you to: partners, they are also roommates and the digital connections you would ite inv e on St t Bret Shipe Park best friends. Wes believes that being have on something like Instagram or Basketball at close friends benefits their business Twitter.” ited you to: Taylor Levek inv n relationship, though. “We’re not afraid The crux of Ping’s unique ho at ar M ie ov M Transformers to hold back, because since we’re so approach to social media is their clean, close we’re not afraid of hurting each : simple user-interface. “We designed to u yo d ite inv Emily Villareal ’s other’s feelings. If we think someone’s the app purposefully without metrics. rry Te P. at h Lunc idea needs more work, we just say There’s no likes, no real comments, no d you to: it. And then we can figure out the engagement things. The only thing you ite inv s ne Jo Chad join House come problem.” can do is make a ping, attend a ping, I’m at Spider While exciting, a lot of work or comment on a ping. So, it eventually : to invited you Hannah Grave !! remains to be done and the time just runs out of utility”. “As cheesy as it wn to wn do re Pregame befo window for success is small, meaning sounds,” Wes offers, “we are believers in : for the co-founders of Ping, there’s the ‘hang up and hang out’ mantra. Ping invited you to Michael Frond dy An r fo s ink dr no summer break this year. The is the cure for phone addiction.”

Going away majority of their summer will be The startup arena is not without risks spent working on their first round though, and while marketing director Wes of fundraising, as they plan to Cole graduated this May, co-founders Will transition to Android soon. As for Ko and Wes Tri dropped out last semester to the post-grad future, Winston focus on developing Ping. They’re currently hopes “to get a small group of re-enrolled as part-students, though, and people who really love and know when asked about graduating, Winston the product. And then sort of go from and Will both smiled: “Hopefully.” Putting there. We’ll reach out to Texas schools, and then the rest of the school on the backburner can often seem like US. And then, our vision is to bring Ping internationally— Asia a purple heart in the tech start-up world, a sign of dedication and Europe. Specifically places with really dense populations, to the cause. Their examples, of course—Michael Dell, Mark because that’s where Ping shines.” Nurturing a fledging Zuckerberg and Bill Gates—are good, and the tech world has company demands sacrifice, and while their friends attend the never stopped for diplomas.

Ping-coordinated volleyball games and pool parties, they’ll be The team has an office at the Capital Factory, the largest working under the fluorescent lights of Capital Factory. But, tech incubator in Austin and a Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory hey—at least they can wear flip-flops to the office. for nerds: open floor plan, fully stocked kitchen open, casualJUNE 2015 | 45 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

FASHION // by: karinna lopez

CALI MEETS TEXAS KARINNA LOPEZ, STYLIST NOTES:

My inspiration for the outfits was California meets Texas, mixing personal style and a grungy look, an aesthetic great for spending time outdoors with friends. The look is very fun and carefree, made up mostly of anything you already have, like old tees and boots used for hiking, plus the pieces can all be mixed and matched with cool printed shorts (for both guys and girls). Summertime is for relaxed, chill vibes, which all these outfits embody, so have fun with your outfits and include your own personal touch—don’t overthink it!

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MODEL INFO: NAME: Alayna Enos AGE: 19 HOMETOWN: Austin,TX MAJOR: Neuroscience INSTAGRAM: @ alayna NAME: Taylor Levesque AGE: 22 HOMETOWN: Mount Pleasant, TX MAJOR: Plan ll INSTAGRAM: @ crazyredsoxfan38 NAME: John Nelson AGE: 22 HOMETOWN: Corpus Christi, TX MAJOR: Electrical Engineering INSTAGRAM: @ barnyard_2015

CLOTHING INFO:

DON’T OVERTHINK IT

Most of the clothes used were pulled from BUFFALO EXCHANGE BuffaloExchange.com Clear mini backpack from AMERICAN APPAREL

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FEATURED BAND: III BONES //by Michael Tyler www.facebook.com/iiibones www.IIIBONES.org Soundcloud.com/threebones Twitter.com/iii_bones Instagram.com/threebones

really believe that you can accomplish III BONES (pronounced Three all the hard shit that life throws at you.

Bones) is an unsigned quartet from Austin Thus far the band has compiled one that has been making music together full album, No Great Shakes, released in since 2013. Majoring in psychedelic rock 2014, and two singles “Hold On To Ya” with a minor in R&B soul, the group and “Love is the Only Way,” blends together the two to that surfaced in March of this create a unique sort of loTRACK TO year. The growth seen from fi soul, reminiscent of The LISTEN TO: their first album to their Velvet Underground mixed in “Love is the Only Way” recent singles is immense, a blender with Florence + The and it isn’t just me that feels Machine, with a sprinkle of that way.

Betty Everett flare for taste.

NEXT ALBUM: The group recently won In a 2014 interview Haven’t You Heard, the John Lennon Valentine’s with Florida magazine The releasing in August 2015 Day Songwriting Contest for Hammill Post, the group their work on “Love is the said that the message of Only Way,” and is generating their music is to enjoy NOT TO BE quite a buzz locally as they each day to its potential, CONFUSED WITH: were just nominated for The keep a smile on your face III Forks, an upscale Deli Magazine’s Austin Artist and radiate happiness and Italian chain restaurant of the Month for April. tranquility to others. The The band has performed band’s ability to translate DREAM BAND TO in cities from New York to this message benefits from TOUR WITH: Florida, but spends most their strong songwriting The Rolling Stones of their time in Austin, and musicianship, but what playing local venues and really helps is the voice occasionally, amazing house and charisma of lead singer shows. They plan on releasing their Victoria de Benedicty. debut album, Haven’t You Heard, in Benedicty handles the bulk of the August, when it will be for sale digitally songwriting and vocals, along with and on vinyl.

Curtis Haaker, but you can see her charisma and lyrical abilities shining through on each and every single track as her beautiful voice is equal parts alluring and authentic. When she sings lines like, “Believe in your mind, take the time to let it believe in you,” during the band’s strongest song to date, “Love is the Only Way,” you

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THE DROUGHT // by: vanessa delgado

THE DROUGHT Despite the recent flooding, Texans have—and always will have—a drought, one that only the saltiest margarita or the frostiest beer could possibly quench. To celebrate the eternal thirst of the spotless weekend, Study Breaks has a few suggestions to help guide drinkers to their new favorite haunts.

Austin, TX

San Antonio

San Marcos

Lubbock

FIREHOUSE LOUNGE

THE EDISON EXPERIMENT

SHOWDOWN

THE GAS LIGHT

Showdown is a

Firehouse is the

A Stone Oak bar that owes its popularity to rave word-of-mouth reviews, the space formerly known as Sinatra’s lives on as a craft cocktail bar focusing on concoctions both classic and modern.

At The Edison Experiment, in addition to the artfully made drinks, the staff itself is incredibly talented and experienced. A lousy drink has never been in the establishment, and the friendly bartenders are trained extensively to tend bar to perfection. What to Order: A Thief in the Night: bourbon, amaro, lemon, honey, syrup/ Charcuterie & Cheese Board: Prosciutto, assorted salamis, assorted cheeses, almonds, bread and more.

Known for its beautiful view of the lake and their weekend live music, The Gas Light is perfect for a night with friends or family, in addition to being one of the most popular lounges in Lubbock. The drinks at The Gas Light include an extensive variety of wines, beers, cocktails and martinis, and their food menu is just as impressive, offering everything from hors d’oeuvres and burgers to wraps and salads. What to Order: Coranarita: House margarita accompanied by an ice cold Coranita and a lime wedge served in a salt-rimmed schooner/Bacon Wrapped Stuffed Shrimp: Shrimp stuffed with cream cheese and jalapeno wrapped in bacon, served over fresh spring mix

Happy Hour: Every day 5-8pm

perfect antidote to the thinly veiled dance clubs masquerading as bars in Austin. Named the “Best New Lounge” in Austin Monthly, Firehouse Lounge is a hidden gem, tucked away in a hostel on Brazos Street. Patrons must pass through a secret sliding door disguised as a bookcase to gain entry to the intimate venue reminiscent of a 1920s speakeasy, and the old Hollywood glamour décor and jazz looks right out of a Fitzgerald novel.

What to Order: El Diablo: tequila, lime, ginger beer, blackberry, sugar, and soda with a lime blackberry garnish/ Pulled Pork Sandwich with bleu cheese coleslaw

Happy Hour: Everyday 5-9pm

Happy Minutes: 3pm3:15pm and 5pm-5:15pm

legend in San Marcos.

The most beloved dive bar in town, Showdown was established in 1977 back when Texas State was still known as Southwest Texas State University.

The haunt prides itself on its laid back environment complete with pool tables, foosball tables, arcade games and jukebox, and the clientele ranges from college students to San Marcos locals. Showdown is famous for their “Happy Minutes,” times when beer prices happily drop to as low as 75 cents. What to Order: Catch a 75 cent domestic brew and enjoy it with a Hunter’s Honey Bacon Burger: A quarter pound of beef with bacon, honey, bbq sauce, Sriracha mayo, spinach, tomatoes and grilled onions.

Happy Hour: 4-8pm Weekdays

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FUN FACT: Beer contains almost all of the minerals we humans need to survive. In the middle ages, when nutritious food was harder to come by, adults and children often drank beer in order to survive. It contains in vitamin B, antioxidants and even a little protein, so no need for anything else!

TEXAS, O’ TEXAS: CELEBRATING OUR STATE’S ENDEARING SHORTCOMINGS // by: mark stenberg

TEXTBOOKS The state of affairs of the Texas textbook is a case study in the coupling of ignorance and influence. Texas proudly maintains the tradition of necessitating that state boards adopt textbooks, and our characteristically Texan-centric decision-making process means that the material included in these texts comes into existence through a vote. The voting members, who Texas citizens elect, decide what information makes it into the books, effectively creating a curriculum based on what the people of Texas decide should be included.

The influence aspect comes from our state’s massive population. Textbook companies compete with each other for the rights to produce educational materials, and due to the sheer buying power of Texas—a result of its population—textbook companies fight tooth and nail for the lucrative privilege of printing our literature. As such, Texas’ buying power makes publishers bend over backwards to accommodate our peculiar version of history.

And we has made a few eyebrow-raising requests.

Some textbooks contain passages challenging the notion that humans are responsible for climate

change, while others suggest that slavery was only the third most important contributing factor to the Civil War, which is patently false.

Conservative Republican groups believe that many of the texts are also too sympathetic to Muslims, citing one that reads: “Muslims spread their religion by conquest, through trade, and through missionary work,” as an example of the books’ leniency, claiming that only the first method holds true. Another rightwing group complained about a picture of Sam Houston in a “dress”, which was actually Cherokee clothing from when Houston lived with them. They also opposed the anti-Texan bias in a question about the Mexican-American War that made “the U.S. out to be the ‘bad guy’ and Mexico to be the ‘good guy.’”

Qualified educators should represent the interests of Texas in its attempt to find a suitable curriculum, not a group of mouthpieces voicing the opinions of the masses. Education should not be crowd-sourced; it should, like other technical fields, be the responsibility of those experienced enough to make the right choices.

It’s often said that history is written by the victor, but in Texas, history is written by Texans.

The State Board of Texas has the power to rewrite history, and so far, we’ve squandered this opportunity on self-destructive racial and religious intolerance, doing nothing but shooting ourselves in the collective foot and pretending humans aren’t responsible for global warming. We need to think bigger.

For instance, the State Board of Education could declare the heads on Mount Rushmore to be the protagonists of the film “Friday Night Lights,” and that Selena sewed the first American Flag. Sam Houston explicitly mentioned Taco Tuesday when writing the Magna Carta, and archaeologists have uncovered evidence of bolo ties and corn-hole in Babylonian ruins. The sum of two right angles is 1836 and the periodic table is just Texas counties.

Walter Cronkite wrote The Scarlet Letter, bear is spelled bexar, commas are tiny spurs, and y’all is the international plural for you.

Our system for creating textbook content might be bunk, but it’s not useless. We have granted ourselves the power to create any reality that we want, no matter what actually happened. Texas legislators need to focus less on dividing the state with inflammatory, ignorant myths, and focus more on helpful, empowering myths. I would say the sky is the limit, but we could change that too.

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ON REVISIONIST HISTORY: Skewing the facts of the past can lead to real-life terrible consequences, and while humorous in the case of Texas, the issue warrants a fair amount of sobriety in discussion. It is not uncommon for dictators, warlords and regimes to turn history into a medium for propaganda. In fact, according to one Texas history book, Josef Stalin and Hannibal once co-rewrote their country’s failed military campaign against Lord Cromwell’s Argentinian Panzer division to suggest Marco Polo’s Canadian Green Beret cavalry defected and fought for Santa Anna’s Red Coat infantry, the results of which were disastrous.

WHAT’S YOUR MAJOR? by: jacquelyn wingo

From the mouths of

THIS MONTH, WE STUDY

BIOLOGYMAJORS

BIOLOGY The Average Starting Salary

$55,758

“I wanted to work with animals, specifically lions, and not just common household pets. Since biology is a broad field, it would allow me to do a lot of different things with it. I owe my inspiration to Eliza Thornberry and the Kratt Brothers from Zaboomafoo!”

SAMANTHA WELLS Hometown: Katy, TX

MYTHS MYTH:

MYTH:

MYTH:

Most biology majors are tree huggers.

TRUTH:

All biology majors want to be doctors.

TRUTH:

All biology majors are guys.

TRUTH:

The sexual proclivities of biology majors may raise eyebrows, but memorizing grotesque anatomical diagrams and relentlessly dissecting cats would change anyone, so try and have some empathy.

There are loads of careers biology degrees can blossom into, and yes, the most popular are within the medical field, but others want careers working with animals, bacteria, or their favorite—trees!

More than 50 percent of biology majors identify as female, so keep that in mind next time someone says fewer than half of all biology majors are women.

“I wanted to be a dentist because I find it interesting.”

VICTOR PRIETO Hometown: San Antonio, TX

“I chose Biology because I wanted to go into the medical field and needed a degree suitable for that, plus it’s has always been a passion of mine.”

MOLLY MIRELES Hometown: San Antonio, TX

STUDYINGCELEBRITIES: Famous Faces Who Majored in Biology

thenerdist.com

julianayrs.tumblr.com

befoto.com

DR. DREW PINKSKY

LISA KUDROW

JOSH DUHAMEL

Internist Amherst College

Actress Vassar College

Actor Minot College

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BUT HYPOTHETICALLY // words by: mark stenberg

BATHROOMS

B

ut Hypothetically is a series based on the idea of studying how the removal of a fundamental component of the college experience would affect, either positively or negatively, the modern student. Occasionally the articles may explore legitimate, helpful hypotheticals, but mostly, and in this particular issue, the topic at hand will seem trivial, and most likely will be trivial, but will enjoin the reader to seriously consider the effect of an absent college bedrock. Much like the more serious topics, these hypotheticals will expand the worldview of readers, but in a less useful way.

This month, the subject of inquiry is the effect of removing bathrooms from the college experience. Using the restroom is one of the quintessential excuses to leave the classroom, whether or not the student is actually heeding the call of nature. Were the distress signal legitimate, then the student would be well within their rights to ask for an opportunity to obey their biological imperative, but all too often students dawdle in the process, wasting precious learning time and temporarily unbalancing the precious harmony of the classroom.

The whole predicament devolves into an “everyone pays for the actions of one” type scenario, where although many students have nothing but good intentions during their bathroom breaks, several bad eggs have ruined it for the whole lot. More pressingly—many students have no intention of visiting the john at all, and are simply manipulating the empathy of the professor in order to cop a free pass to endlessly roam the halls.

With bathroom breaks removed, students would spend more time in class, improving the value and increasing the occurrence of the coveted inter-student interaction.. Additionally, were an argument to be made vaunting bathroom interactions, the case would be closed quite easily by pointing out that many students put their headphones in while in the bathroom, whereas the others simply endure the tense, awkward moments of silence that occur between faucets running and toilets flushing.

Eliminating bathrooms from campus would encourage heightened self-discipline, as students would learn to train their bodies to bend to their will, a character asset valuable in the real world and one glaringly overlooked during the university experience. Every trip to the library would serve the dual purpose of expanding both mind and bladder, creating graduates proficient in their field of study and as physically ascetic as camels.

Within a year, students nationwide would be bathroom free, saving millions of dollars in loo supplies and wasted time. The practice would necessarily trickle down to high schools as well, and eventually middle and elementary schools would join the bandwagon. Within several years, the practice would find its way into potty-training routines throughout the country, eliminating a problem that no one ever knew existed, but everyone is happy is gone.

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GRAFFITI ARTISTS: Unfortunately, the fall of the college bathroom would take with it one of the last vestiges of true human creativity—bathroom graffiti. Be it the phone number of an unsuspecting friend, a cliché phrase, or a long-developing argument between two anonymous authors, the art on the walls holds a special place in the collegiate experience, and an adequate substitute must stand in its place. Enter: desk graffiti. Long underutilized, desk graffiti presents a viable medium for amateur vandalism, and—the real hook—reaches a co-ed audience.

Ladies, get ready to be impressed.

THE BUZZ // by: kim martinez

yuq.me.com

superherohype.com

WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER Season Premiere: July 31

ANT-MAN Expected Premiere: July 17

Netflix is putting out another original series, this time a prequel to the cult film, Wet Hot American Summer. Many of the stars from the original movie will reprise their roles from the film and honestly, we can’t wait. With a cast of comedy gold, this miniseries is sure to have all the charm of the 2001 classic, and rumor has it they’re planning a tenyear reunion at 9:00 so everyone will be there by 9:30.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe will release its second film of the year, with Paul Rudd taking on the role of Scott Lang. The new hero is a conman who must help his mentor protect the secret of his ant-man suit and pull off a heist that will save the world. Hopefully he can con us into believing that we didn’t forget this movie was coming out.

TAME IMPALA BENEATH THE SKIN Expected Release: July 17 This July, Tame Impala is releasing their 3rd album (and their first since 2012, Currents). The band has released two singles in anticipation of the release, and I haven’t stopped playing them in the car yet. Their syrupy psychedelic sound is perfect for the long summer days ahead, and they’re the most acoustically riveting Australian product behind the Sydney Opera House.

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20 CAN’T MISS EVENTS // compiled by: jacquelyn wingo

THE INFORMER’S ALMANAC ART

• Austin:

JULY 3 THIRD EYE BLIND & DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL @ Cedar Park Two of the best angsty-phase alt bands reuniting to provide a emotional overload that should result in widespread catharsis and subtle hypnosis. An experience that’s worth seeing because it’ll pique multiple disparate emotions simultaneously, like a piano chord played with all ten fingers.

• San Marcos:

JULY 4 KAYZO @ The Marc Kayzo plays the kind of music that would act as the soundtrack in a “life-flashing-before-eyes” scenario if Ivan Ooze was overdosing on flakka: an uncomfortable experience 100% worth having.

• San Antonio

JULY 9 TYLER OAKLEY’S SLUMBER PARTY MUSIC @ Tobin Center This is the first live tour of YouTube sensation Tyler Oakley, and fingers crossed he isn’t catfishing the entire YouTube community, but also it might be cooler if he was! Show up to find out.

• San Antonio

JULY 10 STEVE MARTIN & MARTIN SHORT @ The Majestic Theatre Steve Martin from emotionally manipulative childhood movies

FILM

FOOD & DRINK

SPORTS/OUTDOORS

such as “Cheaper By The Dozen” and “Pink Panther” teams up with Martin Short to provide a comedy show largely based on pity

• Lubbock

JULY 11 COLOR DASH 5K @ Mackenzie Park The perfect way to ruin any piece of clothing that gift etiquette prevents just trashing outright, while listening to hypey music and working up a sweat—sounds like Cotillion!

• Austin

JULY 12 ROB THOMAS & PLAIN WHITE T’S @ ACL Live Two of the most attractive guys from seven years ago teaming up for a joint attempt at relevancy should provide a healthy dose of smug superiority to anyone in the audience.

Hopefully Tim Lopez, the smoldering singersongwriter from the Plain White T’s, will play his classic about Delilah.

• San Antonio

JULY 12 HIPPIEFEST @ Tobin Center An unwashed band of granolas will be nonironically performing at the premiere performing center in San Antonio.

The Family Stone, Rick Derringer, Mitch Ryder and The Detroit Wheels and Bandfinger ft. Joey Molland will all forego showers on stage.

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TALK

MUSIC

• San Antonio

JULY 16 MEGHAN TRAINOR @ Tobin Center MUSIC “All About That Base” undeniably fun and anyone disagrees then they have some soulsearching in their future—give in.

is if

• Austin

JULY 16 LADY ANTEBELLUM, HUNTER HAYS & SAM HUNT @ Austin 360 Lady Antebellum is the best band to hear play outdoors hands down, except for maybe Neil Diamond or Weird Al, and Hunter Hays and Sam Hunter will accompany—eat your hearts out!

• Houston

JULY 16 TYLER, THE CREATOR @ Warehouse Tyler, fresh off a characteristically controversial album, is looking to do some exhibitionist things on stage, scream and growl, be straight-edge and exude incomprehensibility. His new album has some serious bangers on it, and this show could easily be the musical highlight of a summer

•

•

•

San Antonio

San Antonio

San Antonio

JULY 17 GREASE

JULY 18 MOMO ART FEST

JULY 30 LOS LONELY BOYS

@ San Perdo Playhouse Take someone who likes Grease, or if you like Grease, go alone! Use your student ID and get half price tickets to see the highpoint in John Travolta’s mercurial career.

@ La Villita ART Local talent based show with really fun and creative artists. Great way to come out and support San Antonio’s very own!!!

@ Aztec Theatre Los Lonely Boys will go down in history as creating one of the all-time greatest songs in human history, and if the chance arises to see them live, it has the same spiritual gravitas as visiting a religious icon or fasting.

•

•

New Braunfels

JULY 25 PAT GREEN & KEVIN FOWLER

San Antonio

JULY 17-19 BRICK @ Blue Star Arts Complex make cool art out of paper—impossible, you say? See for yourself.

Plus, San Antonio is the new Austin—you heard it here first!

• San Antonio

JULY 18 HYDRA MELODY

@ WhiteWater Amphitheatre Any chance to hear “Wave on Wave” in person is worth a considerable amount of effort, as that song was genetically coded into human DNA to instigate subtle camaraderie and the kind of sadness that occurs when good things happen, like surviving in a foxhole or shaving for the first time.

@ The Majestic Theatre MUSIC A local San Antonio band doing their part to put the Alamo City on the music map with their organic sound and smart lyrics. Worth checking out.

•

•

@ McAllister Park Do this! It’s for a cause, and running benefits everyone—do this!

San Antonio

JULY 18 SMASHING PUMPKINS & MARILYN MANSON @ The Freeman Coliseum MUSIC One very cool band and one very scary man team up to put on a show that’s guaranteed to make quite the mental impression, as Manson’s face will probably haunt the nightmares of all attendees for the next decade of their life—to the tune of Smashing Pumpkins though.

• New Braunfels

JULY 31 ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK MAYHEM FESTIVAL @ WhiteWater Amphitheatre Anything sponsored by an energy drink is going to rule, no questions asked, so take a night off and just act wrong, like a throwaway night, just a night that would make older people shudder or cry a little bit, where they would want to cover their kid’s eyes.

San Antonio

JULY 26 GET GUSTO! 5K/10K

• Austin

JULY 26 FALL OUT BOY, WIZ KHALIFA AND HOODIE ALLEN @ Austin 360 What an interesting group of performers: go just to see their stage dynamic and interaction.

No way Wiz Khalifa wants to perform with Fall Out Boy.

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WORD OF THE MONTH:

Woes Popularized by Drake but also said by nobody before Drake, “Woes” is actually an acronym for “Working on Excellence” and describes a group of individuals focused on self-improvement. It has nothing to do with woe, but the play on words caused by the negatives connotation of “woe” and positive implications of “W.O.E.’s” is one of Drake’s subtler and perhaps unintended wordplays.

CLASS PICTURES // by: study breaks staff

AUSTIN: Every summer, Austinites head out to Zilker Park for Blues on the Green, a free music show held on Wednesdays during the summer. This year, catch Bob Schneider on July 22nd or Jamestown Revival on August 5th. It’s the perfect time to bring a blanket, beer, a dog—any dog!— and your friends. Most people don’t really even listen to the music, but don’t tell the sponsors!

SAN MARCOS: After the devastating flooding in the San Marcos area, student groups joined the recovery effort right alongside the other volunteers. Here is a group of volunteers from the Men’s Lacrosse Team helping get their city back on its feet. Keep these photos in mind next time someone says Lacrosse players don’t help flood recovery efforts!

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CLASS PICTURES // by: study breaks staff

LUBBOCK: It’s summer and they’re in school, so don’t be fooled by the smiles—these students are in pure hell. Each one of these pictures was taken only after convincing the subjects to stop crying about their cruel fate, so the moments captured in these still lives are a beautiful mix of agony and hope. To the human spirit!

SAN ANTONIO: Perhaps the greatest Texas Folk Festival in the city, the Texas Folk Festival is San Antonio’s premiere folk festival.

The city organizes groups to represent all the different cultures that make up San Antonio’s eclectic population, so the food and dancing is cultural and delicious—in that order! Be sure to check out the festival next year, as it only gets better and one day soon it might be too good to visit—then you’re kick yourself for not going!

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THE ZEITGUY: EXPOSING CONSPIRACY COVER-UPS ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES // by: mark stenberg

1-IN 4 COLLEGE STUDENTS HAVE AN STD pinstopin.com

RAIDER RASH

American College Health Association conducted a study of student health, and the results proved that Tech students are actually more sexually responsible than The Raider Rash myth has all the other students. Raiders underwent more trappings of a cover-up: an untraceable rabbitvoluntary sexual health tests than their hole, an incredibly unpleasant subject to peers and posted bills of health just as clean, research and an origin story in the American effectively disproving the myth.

Southwest. The myth itself checks The government, inadvertently, LOVING IN THE out, yes, but because it’s designed actually boosted safe sex practices TIME OF CHOLERA: in Lubbock by creating the Raider to check out: a disgusting number of sexually transmitted diseases According to Stanford Rash myth.

University’s Sexual on an isolated college campus in Then I realized—could it Health Peer Resource the Texas desert? Big whoop. have been intentional? Think Center, has 1-in-4 Even more incriminating: about it: how do you prevent college students have Tech’s geographic isolation an STD. A good way to someone from having sex? Tell creates a petri-dish environment deal with this is getting everyone that person has STDs. checked for sexual that increases the rate at which So what did the government do infection at your college pestilence flourishes. The Rash to Tech? They cock-blocked the health facility. Another has long dissuaded visitation Raiders with lies. But why would way is to gather three of to the campus, making it an your friends and choose the government want to reduce ideal ground-zero for classified who has the STD and the amount of Raider to Raidee then spread rumors government operations. The sex? about them. unsuspecting city of Lubbock may I decided to visit Lubbock, be the most secure conspiracy and on the way I couldn’t help but basecamp in the western notice thousands of windmills decorating the hemisphere. arid landscape. As I arrived, the persistently However, the myth felt like a false trail, strong wind activity in the area quickly so I did a little digging. I researched these justified the windmills, as the whole area is so-called “high-rates” of coital affliction, bluster-prone. I began to suspect a connection and found nothing abnormal about sexual between the wind, the windmills and the infection rates in Lubbock. In 2008, the JUNE 2015 | 62 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

government’s efforts to sterilize Tech. What role could the wind possibly play in the spread of STDs? None, of course, as everyone knows such maladies are non-airborne.

Or aren’t they? Naturally, the government would have known for years, simply sweeping the dust under the rug. Once awareness spread that sexual disease moves freely through the air, catastrophe would ensue. If people know they’re constantly at risk of contracting airborne sexual disease, then why bother with safe sex?

But why Lubbock? Location, location, location. Lubbock is an isolated college town, already susceptible to heightened levels of sexual disease. Combine its promiscuity with its incredibly windy location, and the 21st century perfect-storm is born. It’s like putting a pie in a windowsill and wafting the scent with a fan, except with junk, bacteria and gusty weather. The area would draw attention for its alarmingly high STD statistics, and the infected cat would be out of the windy bag.

The myth discourages other, possibly infected students from coming to Lubbock and spreading contaminants, and it encourages a robust sexual health agenda in the city itself. Sterilizing Tech was no run-of-the-mill biological experiment on an innocent town, but a public health necessity.

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JUNE 2015 | 64 | WWW.STUDYBREAKS.COM

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