Sandwich generation

Finding the middle ground

SANDWICHED BETWEEN CARING FOR CHILDREN AND AGEING PARENTS, MORE PEOPLE ARE FEELING THE MIDDLE-AGE BLUES

WORDS JOANNE TRZCINSKI

When you’re in your 30s and deep in the trenches of raising a family while working, you might occasionally pop your head over the parapet and imagine what life will be like as you head into middle age.

Surely, a golden era of less stress as your kids become young adults and you reduce your work hours for a little more “me time”.

Not to burst your bubble, but it’s likely the kids will still be at home; you could be working full time to pay off your mortgage; and, on top of that, your hitherto healthy, fit parents might now require your care.

Welcome to the sandwich generation: typically, people in their 40s and 50s sandwiched between the twin demands of caring for their children, plus their ageing parents.

Social analyst Mark McCrindle says it’s a growing demographic and “most of us will now end up in the sandwich at some point”.

“The median age of a woman giving birth in Australia today is about 31. And that means a couple will have dependant children at the same time as their own parents are getting elderly,” Mark says.

And the kids are hanging around for longer. A generation ago, they typically left home in their late teens or early 20s. Now, many stay on because of further study and unaffordable housing. Meanwhile, the elderly are living longer and ageing in their homes.

So, what does all this mean for the meat in the sandwich — the middle-aged parents?

“There can be earnings impairment if you cut back on your work to care for a parent, concerns about how to help the children as they work through university or job pathways, and worries about how your parents are navigating ageing,” Mark says. “And chances are you still have a mortgage, a career requiring a bit of care and maybe community responsibility.”

Relationships Australia NSW chief executive Elisabeth Shaw says the pandemic has intensified the pressures faced by the sandwich generation, with households becoming busier.

“Some adult children moved back home — some with their young children, too. Some of the older generation also moved in. There can be four generations in the one house,” Elisabeth says. Flinders University’s College of Education, Psychology and Social Work researcher and educator Dr Helen McLaren

says the sandwich generation is broadening in age and acquiring more responsibilities.

“We now have a sandwich generation of women who are actually retiring and not only looking after their ageing parents but also their grandchildren to enable their children to work,” Dr McLaren says.

She says it is vital caregivers look after their own wellbeing and consider sharing the load, a sentiment echoed by Elisabeth.

“It’s always possible to create a moment of change, even if routines seem to have become entrenched,” Elisabeth says.

“Sometimes, people say something loose like, ‘I just want everybody to help more’, but that’s

ill-defined and can lead nowhere. Ask specifically. Consider creating rosters for things such as preparing dinner and cleaning bathrooms. That tends to be much more successful.” While this life stage is undoubtedly pressured, it’s not necessarily all doom and gloom. It can also be special, The pandemic has intensified the pressures faced by the sandwich generation, with households becoming busier.

with families pulling together and looking after each other.

“It may be the final time you spend with elderly parents,” Elisabeth says. “And it may cement a relationship between grandparents and grandchildren that everyone will always remember. This time can be hugely consolidating of relationships.”

First person

GEORGIA DOWNES, 50, JUGGLES THE DEMANDS OF THREE KIDS, ELDERLY

PARENTS AND

A FULL-TIME JOB

AS THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF HOME INSTEAD, A BUSINESS PROVIDING IN-HOME CARE AND SUPPORT FOR AGEING ADULTS.

“My kids are aged 16 to 20 and my parents, who don’t live together, are 86. Being in the sandwich generation, I have seen my stress levels increase significantly,” Georgia says.

“My biggest challenge is juggling a busy household on top of keeping an eye on my parents and making sure they have the support they need. That support isn’t just physical, such as washing, groceries and meals, it’s also companionship.

“When I was younger, it never occurred to me I would need to provide such a level of care for my parents. They were indestructible.

“My advice to others is to prepare yourself in advance so it doesn’t creep up on you and you can support your parents in the way they want to age, but still do what you need to get done yourself. Also, teach your children from a young age how to contribute to the household.

“There are definite positives to being in the sandwich generation. It has brought me closer to my parents. It’s also very valuable for the younger generation to see you being kind and compassionate to the older generation — they learn empathy and a sense of community.”