Mindful sex

In the moment

Dial down self-judgment, turn off performance anxiety and give mindfulness a go — these are the secrets to better sex, no bedroom acrobatics required

WORDS TANIA GOMEZ

We have long known the benefits of mindfulness, but there’s one area of your life you may not have realised it can reinvigorate: your sex life. According to psychologists, being more present during sex (that’s no more thinking about the washing or worrying about how you look) can take your next intimate encounter to another level.

Wandering mind

How many times has your mind wandered off to something totally and utterly unsexy such as your to-do list? Given sex is as much a mental exercise as it is a physical one, not being in the present moment can sometimes rob you of a truly satisfying experience.

“When we are distracted by self-judgment or anxiety about performance, it can negatively impact both our experience and satisfaction derived from sex, as well as make us less likely to orgasm,” Dr Marisa T. Cohen says.

Dr Cohen is head of couple relationships at Paired, an app designed to enhance communication between partners and help them learn more about their relationship.

Alter neural pathways

It seems our minds are often everywhere but where they should be when it comes to sex, with a US study finding both men and women guilty of wandering minds. The research found women may be less sexually mindful due to a tendency to be more focused on their partner’s pleasure rather than their own arousal, while men are less likely to be mindful during sex due to the pressure to be sexually assertive.

But you can train your brain — through neuroplasticity — to approach sex in a more mindful way. By putting mindfulness into practise, you can alter the brain’s neural pathways and, in turn, the way you think.

Learning to be more mindful

“If you’re curious about mindful sex practices — the best place to start is by engaging in mindfulness outside of a sexual context such as before bed or heading to work so you can more easily integrate those skills during sex,” sex coach Georgia Grace says. “Most people spend their whole day disconnected from their body, needs and desires, so it’s pretty tricky to just shut the mind off ... and be instantly present — this takes time and intentional practise.”

Aim to be more mindful every day, whether it’s focusing on the sensations you encounter while drinking your morning coffee or even brushing your teeth.

When you’re ready, Dr Cohen says you can try mindfulness in the bedroom. Look to focus on one sensation during sex, such as touch. “Pay attention to how your partner’s skin feels or how the pressure of their hands on you feels. As you get more comfortable letting go of other thoughts, begin to explore other senses, such as smell or taste.”

An environment conducive to mindful sex is also important. Georgia suggests creating a space that feels sensual and is free from distraction. “Try using blindfolds and sensory items for sensation play, eye gaze with each other as you breathe,” she says.

Dr Cohen stresses it’s totally normal if you can’t quieten your mind entirely. When you notice your mind wandering, acknowledge that it’s happening without judgment then gently bring your mind back to the present moment, she advises.

“When people discuss mind-blowing sex, it typically means that their conscious awareness is turned off, and they are fully present and enjoying the moment. If a person is present in the moment-to-moment sensations, sex can be truly mind-blowing,” Dr Cohen says.