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TWO 2019
A Beginner’s Guide to South Tyrol PART 2:
Coping with all the outdoorsy stuff
B
ack when I was a translator, That was when the lodge started offering snowmobile one of my jobs was respondpick-ups. ing to English-language reNow, it’s not that those tourists were uncoordinated. Or views for a mountain lodge. even in bad physical shape. My husband Lorenzo did the They just weren’t South Tyrolean. Italian ones. The lodge was In fact, the sheer number of similar reviews revealed to ski-in, ski-out and situated me a universal truth: the average South Tyrolean is in at nearly 3,000 meters. But ridiculously good physical shape in relation to the rest non-skiers could walk there of us mere mortals. And is thus utterly unreliable when from the cable car as well. it comes to communicating to outsiders the difficulty of The ownany given hike or bike ride or ski run. ers had described the route: “We’re My visiting American friends often located just a short, pleasant walk get inspired by locals to take this or from the top of the ski lift. The trail that “not-steep-at-all, easily-manis well marked, and not too steep. aged-before-lunch, you’ll-be-so“The average South Walking time: 20 minutes.” glad-you-did-it” hike. Tyrolean is in After a while, a review from a MilBut after being blamed for some anese tourist described the trail as rather unfortunate experiences, I’ve ridiculously good a “nearly life-threatening” vertical learned to dispense dire warnings, physical shape.“ climb. He likened the undertaking along with speck sandwiches, to of reaching the lodge to that of Sisythose I can’t dissuade: “After the first phus in Greek mythology, who was five or so hours, your lungs will feel forced to roll a huge boulder uphill, like they’re on fire. Then a vile feelonly to have it roll back down, for ing of nausea will overtake you. At all eternity. a certain point it’ll seem like your brain cells are dying A woman from New York was less poetic: “Not short. from lack of oxygen. A lot of them will be dying, actually, Not pleasant. Not a ‘walk’ at all, in fact. Yes, too steep. but we have a lot more than we need so don’t worry. It is Climbing time: 60 minutes. If you’re an Olympic athreally pretty up there, though. See you tonight!” lete.” Of course you have to concede that South Tyroleans After that, we changed the text for the foreign markets: have an unfair genetic advantage: their ancestors would “For non-skiers, reaching the lodge on foot is possible. drive large herds of animals straight uphill for six or But be warned that it’s a long, very steep hike at altiseven hours before sitting down to a leisurely noontime tude.” meal up at the Alpine pastures. A little while later, a British hiking enthusiast described Whereas my ancestors … well … repeatedly lifting that his “pure horror” as his wife slid on her belly down a mug full of Guinness beer from the table all the way up snowy hill, landing not-so-gently in a snow heap. to their mouths must have been exhausting.
T H E L O C A L M AG A Z I N E
