a r e a l l o v e : a w o r k b o o k o n c r e a t i n g h e a l t h y r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h o u r s e l v e s a n d o t h e r s  ____________________ centering trans, nonbinary, and womenaligned people of color
____________________ <3, guneet kaur + shreya basuÂ
____________________
table of contents part 1. learning to love ourselves - self-love - loving our bodies - processing our emotions - mental health
part 2. re-imagining our love with others - emotional labor - healthy interpersonal relationships - familial relationships - community healing
self-love
LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES understanding love as a verb
self-love TO RESPECT AND HONOR OURSELVES ALWAYS, WHILE COMMITTING TO GROWTH FOR OUR OWN BETTERMENT AND FOR THE RELATIONSHIPS WE ENGAGE IN to hold others to the same standards, to be brave in our love for ourselves, to trust our ability to thrive, and know when we deserve better
loving our bodies
1. deconstructing eurocentric standards of beauty & health 2. understanding the effects of capitalism on our self-worth healthy looks different for different bodies! health includes physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, and social well-being. recognize that eurocentric beauty and capitalism are fatphobic, antiblack, colorist, classist, and ableist (and yet yt ppl profit off of black/brown culture and from the exploitation our bodies!!). capitalism profits off our insecurities and cares more about the production of individuals rather than their well-being, so pls do not tie your worth to these bs structures!
fatphobia: fear and dislike of fatness and/or fat people. - thinness does not equate to good health!, you can be fat and healthy (also fat is not!! a bad word) anti-blackness: discrimination against Black people, which can take many forms read: appropriation, Black erasure (using terms like POC when you mean Black/ conflating Black issues with POC issues, denying mixed black people their heritage), stereotypes and (micro)aggressions - this country (US) was founded on genocide and slavery colorism: (rooted in antiblackness) prejudice/discrimination against those with darker skin ableism: discrimination against those who are not able-bodied/have disabilities (visible or not) classism: prejudice against those with low socio-economic privilege
learn to value ourselves beyond our productivity and physical presentations, understanding that we don't need to be "productive" or "pretty" (according to any standards) to be respected. beautiful is who we are and choose to be, not what we look like!
exercise 1: an ongoing list of tips for building your relationship with yourself~
1. TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF!!! Do things YOU enjoy + WANT to do!! Learn how to enjoy alone time! Whether that is taking an extra nap, saying yes to the slice of cake, creating some art, working out, doing a face mask 2. ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL FULLY! the good and the bad! Learn to process your emotions healthily.
3. Celebrate your body!!! Take those selfies! Wear clothes that make YOU feel good (not just what you think makes you look good!!) What does your body do for you? Shift your focus to how your body holds you and keep a journal of how it is there for you through it all. You might track things like how it gets you up in the morning, how many pounds you can curl, or even how warmly you can hug someone you love, how well you can write or draw, etc.
4. Always check in with yourself to make sure your interactions with others are consensual! It is okay to say no! 5. POSITIVE SELF TALK!!! Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love!! Look in the mirror and pep talk it out. Once a week, take time to tell yourself three things you admire about yourself!!
unsexy self-care: sure, your self-care might look like instagram-worthy mani-pedis and yoga. but it might also look like a boxing class, cleaning out your fridge, or unfriending people on facebook. the biggest form of self-care CAN BE DRAWING BOUNDARIES!! it can be learning to honor your own feelings,Â
tending to our gardens: self-care includes being accountable for ourselves, our toxic behaviors and actions. the only real apology is corrected behavior (link)!
growth isn't linear
b e
g e n t l e
w i t h
y o u r s e l f
a meditation of words: dreamscapes i hope to come to peace with the constant ebb and flow of my feelings and emotions, to not berate myself for them, to let myself take my time through them without judgment, and to then respond-- knowing and accepting that not everything is in my control (the world is overwhelming with all the hurt that occurs) but to take responsibility for my re/actions
p r ou r c e m o t i o n s s s i n g
first of all, your feelings are valid! experiencing negative feelings (sadness, frustration, anger, disappointment) is normal. existing is hard. it only becomes an impediment to your long-term well-being if these thoughts become more and more re-occurent and self-disparaging.* *this is not to conflate negative feelings with mental illness or vice versa
exercise 2:
what to do when i'm spiraling: When you’re in a cycle of negative thoughts~ 1.Take 5 ~DEEP~ Breaths. Inhale for 3 seconds, Exhale for 5 seconds. Release the energy 2. Change your surroundings. Get outside if possible, in the sun or in the fresh air. 3. Remind yourself “My feelings about myself have nothing to do with myself and everything to do with what I have been conditioned to feel.” 4. BE GENTLE!!
Take the time you need to decompress! > do NOT: guilt yourself over lost time or productivity or shame yourself for having the feelings you are having > DO: honor your feelings and needs in the moment; prioritize your own wellbeing and mental health by drawing boundaries and reaching out for support!
exercise 3: self-love affirmations!! acknowledge how awesome you are. a few to get you started... I thrive when __________ This week, I have discovered that I am __________ I gain strength from __________ I love __________ about myself
let's talk mental health!
it's okay to not be okay Mental health is for everyone!! Just as we monitor and work towards maintaining our physical health, it is also just as important to invest in mental health! Good mental health allows us to cope with lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s stresses and reach our goals. Mental health is about how we think, feel and act. We all have highs and lows in our mental health. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s normal to have feelings like anger, sadness or anxiety when facing challenges in our everyday lives. Mental illness is a little different. A mental illness is when a person is diagnosed with a problem that alters their thinking, mood and/or behavior. A low mental health period does not mean you have a mental illness. A person may not have a mental illness but can still have poor mental health. As well, a person can have a mental illness but have good mental health. Therapy isn't for everyone, but find what works for you!
creating healthy relationships with others
exercise 4: draw a map with you at the center. around you, place people who hold a significant spot in your life. ask yourself, is this relationship healthy? is the emotional labor between you valued, consensual, and reciprocal? draw arrows between you and each person (dashed = a relationship that could be healthier, solid = a healthy relationship). reflect and write down a list split into two columns: what aspects of the relationship could be improved on? and what are tangible ways i can address these issues?
tips to navigate emotional labor (click) compiled by Kandace Fung, Tran Pham, and Shreya BasuÂ
**By no means is this list comprehensive. All situations and relationships are a caseto-case basis; for instance, peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s capacities change moment to moment, and there are always social dynamics (racism, sexism, ableism, classism, etc.) at play! Hopefully this list can be a check in with yourself so that you can navigate emotional labor in a way that is healthy. We all make mistakes, which is okay! But it it is important to be self-aware and work on doing better. We are all growing; be gentle with yourself.
to ensure the emotional labor is healthy/ to accept it ethically: _____________________________________________
- is it consensual? ask if they have time; if not, ask if you can schedule a better time - is it valued? acknowledge labor and credit others - is it reciprocated? there should be a balance of labor - understand that emotional labor is necessary in any relationship - educate yourself: unlearn and deconstruct what you believe to be othersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; responsibilities - actively show care for the people important to you! balance is key :)
________________________________________________ - learn to listen you do not need to have an answer for everything - take responsibility for your emotions AND your (re)actions - do your fair share of work without being asked to (i.e. taking on the mental load (always having to remember, plan, keep organized!), upkeeping a space, cleaning, washing) - develop a care plan: help outline a plan on how you/they will self-care now and later & outline steps to begin solving your/their problem - refer to community care (support groups and (non)traditional forms of healing)
RE IMAGIN ING LOVE
exercise 5: toxic monogamy is the idea of limitless love from 1 individual. it is something that breeds codependency, an unhealthy conception of love as possession, and an inability for an individual to maintain an identity independent of their partner. there is nothing wrong with being monogamous or polyamorous or etc, etc. relationships are personal!! they can be whatever you and your partner(s) want, as long as it is healthy and consensual for all those involved. write down: what to me makes a good friend/partner? what makes me a good friend/partner? what are ways i can improve? what do i want in a relationship/friendship? do i only reserve certain kinds of love for only certain people? if so, why? if not, why? how do i express my love, and how would i like others to express their love to me?
healthy interpersonal relationships honest communication is so key! don't assume what people want/what they are comfortable with! just ask! share what you want! CONSENT! - physical intimacy or not. be accountable and own up to your mistakes! recognize when you are at fault. give people the space to be who they want to be! if their needs/wants/values don't align with yours AND they make no effort to communicate, let go of them. do not take it upon yourself to 'fix' someone, that's not your responsibility. trust people are who they show themselves to be. physical and emotional abuse are NEVER okay!
healthy interpersonal relationships you should never feel obligated to stay in a relationship nor need to hide negative details of relationships from others. if you are being coerced to do this or feel trapped in a relationship, these are a signs of abuse. please reach out to others, if you are in a toxic/abusive relationship. platonic love is valid and real love! healthy support systems are important. there shouldn't be hierarchies of relationships, value all the people you engage with; love is not transactional! find what works for you to process your emotions! is it therapy, long walks, work outs, time alone? learn how to work through your fears and insecurities, so as to not project them onto others.
familial relationships cultural expectations/ family trauma are hard to navigate, but in the end, if your family is healthy, they should be supportive of you. if they are, great! if they are not, do not blame yourself. everyone deserves a safe home; your familial relationships should be like any other, consensual, reciprocal, and valued. we have a tendency to excuse toxic behavior from those related to us, but it isn't okay for anyone to hurt you! remember you are good enough! your passions, your dreams, your desires are valid. that chosen family is real family. know when to draw boundaries and cut ties (for any relationship) - this can be harder due to cultural stigmas, but know when to say no if there is no opportunity for changed behavior.* *there are situations of financial dependency, documentation status, and being a minor that need to be kept in mind. if this sounds like you, please seek out help.
terms & definitions intergenerational trauma: transmission of trauma from survivors of violence to subsequent generations, can be inherited through lived experience/genetically toxic masculinity: gendered behavior/ unhealthy social impositions of what it means to be a man - in turn disallowing expression of emotions healthily and projecting emotions onto others unhealthily racism: prejudice and discrimination against minority ethnic/racial groups by the majority race in power (in the context of US the majority in power = yts) - there is no such thing as reverse racism! racism is not just interpersonal interactions, it is systemic cis-hetero-patriarchy: societal hierarchal system that benefits those who are (rich/yt) cis men and hurts those who are not - there is a lot more nuance to this specific to location and context - people can have multiple marginalizations but also have privilege !
healing as a community: addressing intergenerational trauma let's push to have honest, open discussions about issues in our community, particularly addressing toxic behavior considered “culture”. what are these thoughts’/behaviors’ origins, why are these actions being perpetuated? brainstorm with your community: how can we hold community members accountable to their actions? how can we properly support survivors of violence in our communities? how can we center healing and our strengths as community when we engage in issues? (we are more than our trauma!!)
resources The Future of Healing: Shifting from Trauma Informed Care to Healing Center Engagement https://medium.com/@ginwright/the-future-of-healing-shifting-fromtrauma-informed-care-to-healing-centered-engagement634f557ce69c?fbclid=IwAR0OnnUeHtbwjWQtjmH01SggbAJfNcO4Ywl8JkeVBG2X2sHK8l_cUF-ySQ Three Thoughts on Emotional Labor http://gutsmagazine.ca/emotional-labour/ 7 ways non-black POC perpetuate Anti-Blackness in their communities https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/7-ways-non-black-pocperpetuate-anti-blackness-in-their-communities/ Fugitive Flesh https://anarchiststudies.org/2015/07/16/fugitive-flesh-gender-selfdetermination-queer-abolition-and-trans-resistance-by-eric-a-stanley/ Loretta Ross “Let’s Talk About Sex, Not Abortion” and Rickie Solinger “Reproductive Justice 101” http://signsjournal.org/pro Gonzales “For Undocumented Women Seeking Reproductive Healthcare, Policing and Politics Create a Maze of Barriers” https://www.bitchmedia.org/article/undocumented-women-seekingreproductive-healthcare-policing-and-politics-create-maze The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee http://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/59454252590/thebody-is-not-an-apology-by-sonya-renee-so all about love - bell hooks
so...how can we invest in our mental health?
what is your circle of self-care?
get enough sleep, get creative! meditate. get fresh air, sun, and get active when possible ask for help when you need it. find your support system! talk about your needs just as you would with physical health!!
resources everydayfeminism.com thebodyisnotanapology.com instagrams to follow: @ivernon2000 @recipesforselflove @thefatsextherapist @selfcareisforeeryone @bodyposipanda @bodypositivememes @mentalwealth @journey_to_wellness @i_weigh @bodyimagemovement @antidietriotclub @theeverymanproject @fyeahmfabello @counselling4allseasons @decolonizing_fitness @yesikastarr @mynameisjessamyn @alokvmenon @ashleighchubbybunny @chellaman @callmethey @travisalabanza @simonemariposa @thefriendineverwanted @scarrednotscared @enamasiama @umberghauri