6 minute read
Civilized Living: Miss Manners
By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Parking on the neighbor’s lawn, Gift exchange etiquette, Who properly hosts a baby shower?
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbors bought a third vehicle for their family. Because their driveway is narrow, they have begun parking
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two of their vehicles to the side of the drive, on the lawn toward the side of my front yard. When a family in this part of the world has too many cars for the driveway, the usual procedure is to construct a rock or shell “off-parking pad” that clearly delineates where vehicles are to be parked and keeps the lawns from being torn up when wet. My neighbors have not constructed any sort of containment area, and I have noticed that their parking is gradually creeping forward and getting closer and closer to my front lawn. I don’t want to start a feud over this problem, but I also don’t want my neighbors parking on my lawn.
GENTLE READER: It is challenging to forestall anticipated bad behavior, because it means accusing people of things they have not actually done. “Near your garden” and “in your garden” are different, in both law and etiquette. The solution is to establish boundaries — usually metaphorically, but in your case, also literally. Build a fence, plant a bush or provide a strip of bare dirt or gravel — something that will at least make it clear when an infraction has occurred, and preferably will give warning before it does. Miss Manners recognizes your desire to take more active measures, but she assures you that the sudden appearance of a boundary marker will not pass unnoticed.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: One evening, I had a gathering of eight friends for cards and a “white elephant” gift exchange. One guest, “Moira,” came as a substitute player, sent by an absent member. None of us had met her before. We tried to make her feel welcome, but she seemed a bit distant and cold, and never seemed to fit in very well. When it came to the gift exchange, the first gift was selected and opened by “Heather,” and it became evident how much she loved it. She rejoiced over it, exclaiming how tickled she was to receive it, telling us how she would use it and thanking the giver profusely. Knowing Heather, we knew she really meant it, and wasn’t just being polite. As we went around the circle, members could either select an unopened gift or “steal” an already-opened one from someone else. We came to Moira last, just because of where she was sitting in the circle. She opted to steal the gift from Heather, who was visibly disappointed to lose it. But she took it in stride and we moved on with the evening. Later, however, several of the regular members remarked privately to me that they didn’t think Moira should have stolen Heather’s gift. They were upset that Moira would be so heartless as a one-time guest in someone else’s home. If Heather had not expressed such delight over the gift, it would have been different.
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By the way, there were a few other “steals” that evening, but none of them was so obviously hurtful. Yes, she was playing by the rules of the gift exchange, but we thought she showed very little sensitivity. What do you think? Are we wrong to think poorly of Moira?
GENTLE READER: Having no stakes in the social aspect of this gathering, Moira chose instead to win the game — and not to read the room. For that, Miss Manners understands that you think poorly of her. However, the situation might give you pause — wonder why it is considered fun to be given presents, only to have them taken away. Poor Heather deserves a singing bass that she can keep.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you have your table linens professionally pressed, is it proper to leave the fold lines visible when setting the table, or do you have to press the folds out once it is on the table?
GENTLE READER: You will be relieved to hear that you need not iron the tablecloth while it is on the table, which would be hard on the wood. Miss Manners directs you to your nearest gallery of Renaissance art, where you will see those folds in paintings of the Last Supper.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who is the correct person to host a baby shower?
GENTLE READER: Not the baby, as that would look greedy, which is a poor reputation to acquire as one begins one’s life. Although the same applies to the baby’s relatives, many are willing to risk it in the interests of furnishing the nursery without expense. But you have asked what is correct. Miss Manners must tell you that showers are correctly given by friends—- not by the person or the family being honored.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: After surgery for a cancerous tumor and six months of chemotherapy, I lost all the hair on my entire body. I am grateful that I am alive, but I am struggling with comments regarding my hair. My hair was one of my best features. It was a beautiful color and texture, and I received compliments often. Now, I don’t know what to say when people comment on my very short hair. I have a wig, but it’s tedious to make sure it’s on correctly, and is very uncomfortable on hot days. I know my hair will grow back and that a good stylist can restore it to its former beauty, but in the meantime, the questions and comments sting. I don’t know how to respond.
GENTLE READER: “I had something done” — leaving it purposely ambiguous whether it was for health or aesthetic reasons. Sadly, suggesting that it was a fashion choice will likely garner less followup than the more personal question of your health. But perhaps Miss Manners may 223 NE 1st Street, Kalama be underestimating human 9–8 M-Sat, 10–7 Sun • 360-673-2200 nosiness even in that.
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