Parenting Handbook Birth to 11 Year Olds

Helpful local numbers Family Information Service 01792 517222 Parenting Support Early Years Development Team 01792 612155 Barnardo’s Children Matter Family Support Project www.barnardos.org.uk/swanseachildrenmatter 01792 797289 NCH - Swansea Young Families (support for parents aged 16 to 25 years old) 01792 294006 Family Centres Mayhill Family Centre 01792 468584 Bonymaen Family Centre 01792 700821 Penplas Family Centre 01792 588487 Morriston Family Centre 01792 543628 Swansea Integrated Children’s Centre 01792 572060 Information, advice and support for 11 to 25 year olds Info-Nation www.info-nation.org.uk 01792 484010

General Victim support Swansea www.victimsupport.org.uk Domestic Violence Helpline Swansea 0808 80 10 800 Women’s aid Swansea 01792 644683 www.womensaid.org.uk Black Association of Women Step Out Ltd (BAWSO) (a specialist service for BME women and children made homeless due to domestic violence) 01792 642003 www.bawso.org.uk Community Legal Services (information on local legal and advice services) 0845 3454345 www.clsdirect.org.uk Families and Friends of Prisoners Services 01792 458645 Cruse Bereavement Care Swansea 01792 462845 www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk Citizens Advice Bureau 08444 77 20 20 www.swanseacab.org.uk Dial (information and support for disabled people and their carers) 01792 455565 www.dialuk.info Minority Ethnic Women's Network (MEWN) 01792 467222 www.mewnswansea.org.uk Samaritans (confidential, emotional support) 08457 90 90 90 www.samaritans.org National helpline 08457 909090 Local helpline 01792 655999 Special Needs Advisory Project (SNAP) 01792 457305 Social Service (information) 01792 635700 Housing Options 01792 533100 Benefits Child Benefit 0845 302 1444 Tax Credits 0845 300 3900 Disability Living Allowance 08457 123456 New claims 08000 556688 Helpline for existing claims 08456 003016 Social fund Swansea 08456 060208 More numbers of agencies who can offer advice and support can be found on the City and County of Swansea Web page: www.swansea.gov.uk/index.cfm?articleid=1317

Designed & marketed by Coles McConnell Ltd, Maidstone. © 2008 All Rights Reserved. Telephone: 01622 685959 www.coles-mcconnell.com

Substance Misuse Swansea Drugs Project 01792 472002 www.swanseadrugsproject.org.uk West Glamorgan Council on Alcohol and Drug Abuse (WGCADA) 01792 646421 www.wgcada.org

Introduction

Contents Page

Welcome to our Parenting Handbook: A guide for parents & carers of birth-11 year olds in Swansea.

Being a parent or carer is a wonderful, challenging and life changing experience.

The purpose of this easy to follow handbook is to offer ideas and information to parents and carers to help them find their way through what can be a maze of issues.

The topics chosen include helpful tips and information together with local and national contacts for further information if needed.

General information Positive parenting & self-esteem

4

Make them feel great!

All kinds of parents

6

What is a family?

Making your home a safe place

8

Safety first

We believe every parent experiences difficulties from time to time as there is no such thing as a perfect parent or perfect child. However, there are some things that can be done to make parenting less stressful and more rewarding.

Pre-school children

I hope you find this handbook useful and worth keeping (and sharing) for future reference.

Keeping baby safe

Feeding your baby

10

Giving them the best start 12

Looking after your baby

Temper tantrums

14

When every day is a difficult day

Bedwetting & sleeping difficulties Richard Parry - Lead Director for Children and Young People

16

How can I help my child?

Babysitting, childminding & daycare

18

How do I make the right choice?

School age children Bullying

20

The real story

Internet safety

22

New technology, old problem

Children left alone

24

Common sense

Different needs Children with a disability There is also an additional Parenting Handbook available for parents and carers of 12-18 year olds in Swansea.

26

You’re not alone

Children in need

28

Working together for our children

Information for parents

Key contacts

Loss & bereavement

30

Coping with grief

Access and Information (Social Services) 01792 635700

Postnatal depression Family Information Service 01792 517222

32

Recognising the signs

Domestic abuse How does it affect children?

34

Children need to feel secure, loved and valued - this is the basis of self-esteem and confidence Noticing and rewarding good behaviour is the best way of influencing your child’s behaviour Be realistic about what you expect from your child Parents and carers need to work together and be consistent Listen to and talk to your child - it’s good to talk!

Do things together with your child that you both enjoy - have fun!

Make them feel great!

Positive parenting is about bringing out the best in your child, by listening and understanding, praising and encouraging their efforts, noticing and rewarding good behaviour and doing things together that you both enjoy.

“

In trying to be helpful, it is often easy to point out where a child is going wrong and forget to notice the things that go right. By doing this you are unwittingly giving your child lots of attention for negative unwanted behaviour, rather than for the good behaviour. Parental attention and praise is one of the biggest motivators for children so you need to use it in the right way. Not only will this influence your child’s behaviour in a positive way, it will also make your child feel happy, loved, wanted and secure and this is the basis of life-long confidence and self-esteem.

My mum is great -

she always makes time for

”

me, even when she is busy.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

There may be none.

Is your child eating well? Getting enough exercise?

Any changes in their behaviour?

Is your child trying to tell you something?

Be involved and develop a good relationship with your child early on.

Adopt a healthy lifestyle. Share activities together.

With younger children, set clear boundaries and stick to them.

This way your child will understand no means no and will feel supported and secure.

Be a little crazy!

Have fun with your child.

Encourage good friendships and outside interests.

Listen carefully to your child’s point of view.

Help them think through choices.

• Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 • YoungMinds 0800 018 2138 • Early Years Parenting Team 01792 612155 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

4

Children have to learn to make their own decisions and establish their independence from their parents.

Promoting the health of your child is a task that most parents do without thinking. Whether it involves encouraging your child to brush their teeth or wash their hands after using the toilet.

You are an important source of information and advice and an influential role model for your child.

Eating is an important and enjoyable part of life.

Encourage your child to try lots of different healthy foods. If you notice they are becoming overweight help them do something about it in a positive way. Suggest activities you can do together. Make sure they feel good about the way they look to ensure against eating and self-esteem problems as they get older.

Make your child feel great by being a positive role model, giving positive accurate feedback, identifying and redirecting your child’s inaccurate beliefs and by being spontaneous and affectionate.

www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.youngminds.org.uk

5

“

Louise is my daughter. She is ten months old.

I am a single dad - it is hard work but fortunately I have

”

the support of a loving family.

Your family is unique. Who is in your family? How does it work?

Single parents can be mum or dad Different people handle change in different ways Children need stability; change can make them feel especially vulnerable Family change takes time to get used to - for grandparents, uncles and aunts too!

Whatever kind of family you have, you’re not alone. If you need help, make contact!

What is a family?

There’s no such thing as an ‘average’ family they come in all shapes and sizes. Each different type of family has its own special challenges, so it is important to understand how your family make-up can affect your child, particularly when things change.

Going it alone Growing up with one parent can be a good thing, leading to a close relationship between parent and child. If your child does spend time with their other parent, it is important to help them understand how both of you will be part of their lives and that it is okay to love both their parents and not feel guilty.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Changes in the way your child acts may signal that they are not feeling secure about the changes going on around them. Watch out for feelings of blame or guilt if your relationship with your partner is not working. Changes in how you act can also have a direct affect on your child.

Talk through any changes in family life early - children are quick to pick up “vibes” and so may know if you’re keeping something from them. Keep talking to your child about the new things that are happening to you and your family.

Take things slowly and be patient.

Talk about how you feel about each other as much as you can. A stable family life is important to children, however unusual the makeup of your family.

Remind them that they are loved, whatever is happening.

Consider counselling, mediation and support agencies as they can often help to spot possible problems before they arise. Know your rights with regard to your role as a partner and a parent. Talk to your child’s school.

• One Parent Families/ Gingerbread 0800 018 5026 • Cruse Bereavement Care 0844 477 9400 • Early Years Parenting Team 01792 612155 • Winston’s Wish 08452 03 04 05 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

6

Coping with a death in the family When we are coping with our own grief at the loss of a partner it is sometimes hard to see how children might react when a parent dies.

Every child will act differently, some will feel guilty about still living while one of their parents is dead, others will think about death and loss and who else could ‘leave’ them.

Patience and the support of family and friends is key at this time. They may be too young to understand what has happened.

Teenage parents As a young parent, you’ll face many extra challenges. However, all new parents struggle at times, so don’t be embarrassed to ask for support and advice. Your education may have to be cut short, but don’t give up on all your plans for the future as there’s still plenty of time.

Remember to think about your own needs and try to enjoy some of the things that other

teenagers do like meeting up with friends or going to a club. Make sure that you have good childcare if you leave your child at home.

New families If you enter into a new relationship, everyone will need time to get used to the new family, this could be more difficult if your new partner has children of his or her own or you are adopting or fostering a child. Change can make us all feel unsafe, so it is important to make sure everyone feels comfortable with new arrangements.

Take things slowly and carefully and try to see things through each other’s eyes, imagining everyone’s feelings in this time of change.

Grandparents as parents/new grandparents Grandparents can give a welcome extra pair of helping hands and are an important link to family histories and a sense of belonging. But they may need help to come to terms with changes in your family too. They may lose access to much-loved grandchildren when relationships break-up, or have to adjust to new family members when new relationships start. Be aware that grandparents may sometimes have health issues of their own; don’t ask them to do too much as they still have their own busy lives.

Make contact Whatever kind of family you are, there are many organisations especially set up to help you cope. Don’t feel you have to struggle on alone.

Make contact and get the help that you and your kind of family need.

www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk • www.gingerbread.org.uk www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk • www.winstonswish.org.uk

7

“

Babies and children learn by exploring their surroundings Before Rhys was born

I never thought about where I left things. Now, everything in

Babies do not know what is dangerous and what is not Babies need to be kept safe at home

the house seems dangerous so I have taken steps to make the

”

house more child friendly.

Take away any dangers in your home that you can Watch your child and keep them away from danger Explain about safety to your child from an early age

Safety first Babies and young children learn about their world through what they see and touch. As soon as they are able to, they will crawl, touch and grab at whatever they can see. They want to find out about things and need careful and gentle help from a young age about what danger is and what to stay away from. Shouting at or smacking children will not teach them about safety. It might just make them scared of the oven or the door.

Most accidents happen at home. This is why it is vital you make sure your home is safe for all your family, especially for young children.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Spend some time exploring your house as if you were a young child.

This will show you the many possible dangers which, if not removed, could harm your child.

Make a list of these dangers and remove them to safety or protect your child from them by using safety devices.

Talk to the contacts listed if you are unsure about this.

With very young children the tone of your voice and your body language are just as important as what you say. This is because children react more to what they see or hear than spoken warnings.

Remove dangerous objects like drugs, needles, medicines and household chemicals out of the reach of children and lock them away safely.

Do this before your child can be exposed to them.

• Your Health Visitor or Midwife • Child Accident Prevention Trust 020 7608 3828 • Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) 0121 248 2000 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

8

• Make sure that all medicines, drugs and cleaning products such as bleach are locked away well out of reach.

• Are your children safe inside your home?

Is the safety chain high enough on the front door even for a very active toddler?

• Do not leave windows open and make sure you have safety locks fitted to all windows.

• Crawling and looking around are an essential part of their development but keep an eye on your young children, especially near wires and sockets and it is advisable to fit plug guards.

• Make sure you keep matches and lighters away from children.

• Use stair gates once your child starts crawling.

• Make your home a clutter-free zone.

• Be careful of pets around young children.

Even trained and good-natured animals can be tested when children are around.

• Make sure that irons, saucepans and hot drinks are kept out of the reach of children.

Scalding and burns are common and can be avoided.

• The home you live in is full of dust. This can set off or make worse any allergy your child has such as asthma. Keep your home as dust free as you can.

• Check toys for safety labels. Make sure that your child does not play with toys that are unsuitable for his or her age. Unsafe toys can be very dangerous, especially if the pieces are small enough to choke on.

• Make sure you use appropriate car seats and seat belts to help your child stay safe in the car.

www.capt.org.uk • www.rospa.co.uk

9

“

When Ffion was

Making sure your baby has a healthy diet from the start is a great thing you can do as a parent

born I had a few problems breastfeeding at first, but

Until your baby is six months old, breast milk or infant formula milk has got everything they need

I’m glad I stuck with it - it is good for her and makes me

The longer you breastfeed, the greater the benefits for you and your baby

”

feel so close to her.

Breastfeeding is the best way to feed a baby because it helps to protect them against infections You might be entitled to free milk, fresh fruit and vegetables, vitamins and formula milk to keep you and your baby healthy

Giving them the best start Giving your baby a healthy diet from the start is one of the most important things you can do for them - not just now but for their future years, too.

Breastfeeding isn’t just good for your baby - it can be really rewarding for you, too. it is a chance to bond with your child and feel close to them.

WARNING SIGNS Once established, breastfeeding is easy for most mothers and babies. However in the first few days both you and baby are learning how it works. It is important your baby learns to attach properly to your breast as this will help you both to breastfeed well and to avoid problems like sore nipples. Your midwife will help in the early days and you can also ring the volunteer breastfeeding counsellors and peer supporters.

CONTACTS

10

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

It is important to feed your baby whenever they seem hungry. This will make sure you produce plenty of milk to meet their needs.

This is because each time they feed, messages are sent to your brain, which then sends signals to your breast to produce more milk.

More feeding = More signals = More milk.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your Midwife, Health Visitor, volunteer breastfeeding counsellor or breastfeeding peer supporter or visit one of the local breastfeeding support groups where mothers share helpful tips and ideas about feeding their babies.

Breast milk contains all the food and water your baby needs. Giving other food or drink or a dummy may also make them less interested in breastfeeding. If they do not breastfeed often enough, you may not make enough milk to meet their future needs. Never give ordinary cow’s milk, goat’s milk, dried milk, condensed milk or evaporated milk to your baby until they’re at least a year old.

• www.breastfeeding.nhs.uk • Association of Breastfeeding Mothers 08444 122 949 www.abm.me.uk • The Breastfeeding Network 0844 412 4664 www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk • Healthy Start www.healthystart.nhs.uk. You can request a Healthy Start application form by calling 08701 555 455 and quoting reference HS01 or fill in a form online • National Childbirth Trust 0870 444 8708 (Breastfeeding Line) www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com • La Leche League 0845 120 2918 www.laleche.org.uk • BF Peer Supporters in Swansea www.mams.org.uk • Family Information Service 01792 517222 • National Breastfeeding Telephone Helpline 0845 120 2 918

Most mothers breastfeed their babies, some bottle feed with formula milk, and some mothers do a mixture of both. Breastfeeding is good for babies because breast milk contains antibodies that help protect against illness such as stomach, ear and chest infections.

Babies who are breastfed are less likely to become obese or get diabetes or dermatitis.

There is also evidence that breastfeeding can reduce the risk of cot death. Giving your baby only your breastmilk gives the best protection, but babies can receive some benefit with every mouthful of breastmilk they take.

There are other advantages, too - it is free, you don’t need to prepare breast milk and you can do it most places. Breastfeeding can sometimes take a little while for you and your baby to get used to, but once you do it is easy. Some new mothers find it a little hard at first so if you’re having problems ask your community Midwife or a breastfeeding counsellor or your Health Visitor and BF peer supporters for some advice.

If you can’t breastfeed your baby for any reason but want them to have breast milk, for example

if you are going to be away from your baby for some time while you are working, you can express your breast milk by hand or by pump.

Some mothers choose not to breastfeed and feed their babies formula milk instead. This is normally mixed with water, but you can buy liquid formula in cartons. One disadvantage of this is that you need more equipment, including bottles, teats, sterilizing equipment and a brush for cleaning the bottles. it is important to keep the equipment clean as your baby will be at risk of infection. Until your baby is six months old, it is vital that you sterilize the equipment after each time you use it. Make up feeds one at a time just before you give it to the baby.

When your baby is six months old, they will still need to breastfeed, or have infant formula milk, if this is what you are giving them, but now is the time to offer your baby some solids.

This period is called ‘weaning’, which means ‘trying’ - your baby will be trying lots of different foods to see what they like. Remember that babies can’t drink cow’s milk until they’re a year old.

Find out if you’re entitled to free milk, fresh fruit and vegetables, vitamins and formula milk under the Healthy Start scheme. You may qualify if you’re pregnant and or have one child or more who’s under four and your family gets some benefits. See contacts for how to get an application form.

11

Never shake a child. It can cause damage to them that you can’t see, and might even kill them Babies under six months old are most at risk from cot death or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Always put your baby to sleep in the ‘Back to Sleep’ and ‘Feet to Foot’ position Don’t smoke around your child, and if anyone else looks after your baby ask them not to either Do not suffer alone, seek support from others. Getting the right help will help you feel more in control so you can enjoy being a parent

Looking after your baby

“

Having Thomas is amazing but a big responsibility. After all, it is just me

looking after him and making sure he’s safe. It’s really helped to speak to other new

”

mums about how they cope, and my Health Visitor who has been fantastic.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Warning signs that your baby may have been shaken include: trouble feeding; lethargic; eye injury; vomiting and seizures.

Signs that your baby is ill include: a temperature over 36.5F or 98F; diarrhoea or vomiting; highpitched crying; no interest in feeding; problems breathing; or a rash that doesn’t go when you press it.

How to cope if your baby cries a lot: count to ten before doing anything and allow yourself to calm down; cuddle your child to help soothe them; go for a walk or a drive to help them sleep; call a helpline if you need it; ask someone else you trust to take over for a while.

If you are worried about your baby, take them to see your Doctor, Health Visitor or to the Casualty department. Babies can get ill very quickly, so it is important to ask for help.

Use eye contact, smile, cuddle and talk to your baby.

This will help you understand what they need and when they are having problems. Make sure that everyone who helps look after your baby knows about the risks of cot death.

This is especially important if they smoke. If you don’t know what to do, get medical advice at once.

Knowing how to keep your baby safe every day will prevent things going wrong. If you can, get the information while you’re still pregnant. Talking to other people in the same situation as you can help - your Health Visitor could put you in touch with some support groups.

• CRY-SIS 08451 228 669 • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 • NHS Direct 0845 4647 • Cruse Bereavement Care 0844 477 9400 • NHS Stop Smoking Service 0800 022 4 332 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

12

Having a new baby can be scary, exciting and wonderful at the same time. You might feel nervous that you don’t know how to look after your baby, but don’t worry - once you get used to being a parent you’ll probably find it a lot easier. There are some important things to remember to keep your baby safe.

The average baby cries for at least two hours a day - they may be hungry, thirsty, need a change of nappy or just a cuddle. Some parents get frustrated when their babies don’t stop crying and may end up shaking them. Never shake your baby, as it can cause brain damage or even death. There are better ways to cope with a crying baby, ask your health visitor for advice.

Always put your baby to sleep on their back use the phrase ‘Back to Sleep’ to help you remember. Don’t let them fall asleep on a sofa or a chair with or without you beside them. The safest place for your baby to sleep at night is in a cot in your bedroom for the first six months.

Keep it simple and tidy - don’t use anything that your baby could get caught up in, with no gaps between the mattress and the sides of the cot. it is dangerous for babies to get too hot, so keep their bedroom between 16 and 20 degrees centigrade. Don’t use duvets, quilts or pillows until your baby is one year old, instead give your baby one light layer of clothing or bedding

more than you are wearing. Always position your baby in the ‘Feet to Foot’ position, with their feet at the foot of the cot so that they can’t move down inside their blanket.

Do not allow anyone to smoke near your baby.

Tobacco smoke can also cause long-term damage to their health.

Breastfeeding carries health benefits for baby and mother. Breastfed babies are less likely to need to visit their Doctor or go to hospital as they get less infections.

Do not prop feed your baby. Prop feeding is when you leave your baby alone with a bottle in their mouth. A baby can choke in a matter of seconds, so make sure you hold the bottle at all times.

Bath time can be a lovely experience for you and your baby, but never leave your baby alone in the bath. Babies can scald easily, so test the water is at the right temperature with your elbow.

If you’re worried about anything concerning your baby, talk to your Health Visitor or Doctor as soon as you can. That way, you’ll know your baby is safe and well - and you can get on with enjoying your little one. It can also help to talk to other new parents or join a support group.

www.cry-sis.org.uk • www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk • www.gosmokefree.nhs.uk • www.babycentre.co.uk

13

One-in-five two year olds has a tantrum at least twice a day The ‘Terrible Twos’ are a normal part of growing up Getting angry is natural but it just makes things worse Try to find a good way to deal with problems Plan to avoid the causes of tantrums Remember, they won’t last forever!

When every day is a difficult day

“

Not only has she learnt

to walk and talk, but now she’s learnt to stamp her foot, argue,

Why temper tantrums happen Tantrums may start around 18 months, are common at two years old and are much less common at four. Very young children are often not able to tell you things as much as they want to and their frustration may come out as a tantrum.

scream until she’s bright red and embarrass me in public on a regular basis. What’s happened

”

to my baby?

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

It could happen anywhere, but watch out for a tired or hungry child at a time when he or she wants something that you have said “no” to, like when out shopping or during a day out.

Keep calm, think about whether your child needs food or rest. Give your child attention and try to find a quiet place or some way of getting his or her attention. Don’t give in, but try to understand your child’s feelings.

Try to give your child a choice or a way out. Be calm and understanding.

Keep it simple and clear. Praise your child for calming down.

Avoid long shopping trips or tiring days out. It often helps to give your child extra cuddles or talk to them more.

Try to see causes for tantrums in the day ahead and think of ways to avoid them.

• Health Visitor • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 • Early Years Parenting Team 01792 612155 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

14

Tantrums are more likely to happen if a child is tired, hungry or uncomfortable. Tantrums also often happen in busy, public places, which can be embarrassing and add to the parents’ stress.

If you are worried about the way your child is acting talk to your Health Visitor or Doctor.

Dealing with temper tantrums • Keep calm. Getting angry and shouting at your child will only make things worse.

• Your child might be tired or hungry so rest or food might help. Or they might just need a cuddle.

• Try to find something else interesting to do or look at. If you’re in a busy or noisy place try to go somewhere quieter.

• If none of these work, try to see things from your child’s point of view and understand what they actually want. Try giving them a choice, as this gives your child a sense of control and can be better than simply saying "no". Always try to offer a positive way out.

• If you do say “no” don’t give in later to calm them down. If you give in your child will

learn that tantrums work!

• If you’re at home you can try ignoring the tantrum, or maybe walking away into another room if it is safe to do so. Get your child to cool down on their own and talk more calmly about what they want.

• After the tantrum, praise your child for settling down. Even though they may no longer be angry they may still be upset, so give them a cuddle and make it clear that you still love them no matter what.

Avoiding temper tantrums Tantrums are less likely if you plan ahead.

• Try to stop your child getting hungry or overtired.

• Make sure your child has enough attention and affection.

• Make sure your time together is quality time together especially if you work long hours.

• Keep shopping trips and outings as short as possible.

• Try to plan a method that you’ll use to deal with tantrums when they happen and to share the approach with other adults in your child’s life.

Remember, temper tantrums are normal and do not usually lead to serious problems. As your child gets older they will learn to deal more calmly with the stresses of everyday life.

www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.kidshealth.org/parent

15

Children do not wet or soil deliberately Bedwetting may be a sign of a physical problem, but more often your child will learn bladder control at their own pace Each child’s sleep pattern is different Take time to establish a bedtime routine, including a time for your child to relax and unwind before going to bed If your child often wakes in the night try to find out why he or she has woken, for example a bad dream or hunger

How can I help my child?

“

I felt myself getting panicky

every time I put him to bed. Maybe it was a lack of proper routine, but at the time I felt so tired and had so little patience.

I never praised him for going all night without wetting his bed. I just got cross when I had to change the sheets again,

”

which didn’t really help at all.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

There may be none, but does your child seem to be unhappy?

Has something happened in the family or in your child’s life that is worrying him or her?

Stay calm if your child is wetting or soiling the bed.

Try to check whether there is a particular time when your child wets or soils. Make sure your child goes to the toilet immediately before going to bed.

If you are worried discuss your concerns with your health professional.

Seek support for yourself.

Give your child the chance to discuss their feelings with you, try to keep calm and relaxed without showing signs of anxiety or strain. Praise your child when they sleep through the night. Do not scold your child if they do not sleep through the night, or if they wet the bed. Try to develop an understanding for how they feel and whether they are worried by the wetting.

Make sure your child is aware that they can share any worries with you.

If you want advice about things you can do to try to prevent wetting, discuss your concerns with your Health Visitor or Doctor.

• Health Visitor or Doctor • Education and Resources for Improving Childhood Continence (ERIC) 0845 370 8008 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

16

Potty training Your child is more likely to learn to control their bladder if you are relaxed and calm about it.

Remember your child will learn at their own pace and praise rather than punishment will help. Between the ages of three and four years your child is likely to be dry during the day, with the occasional accident. Remember, this is often not an instant change but a gradual process where more and more nights will be dry nights.

Bedwetting It is not easy to know why some children take longer to be dry at night than others. However, bedwetting is not due to laziness or lack of will power. Although this may be stressful for both you and your child, try not to lose your patience; it is rare for a child to wet or soil deliberately. If, after the age of seven, your child continually wets his or her bed, the problem may be caused by a number of factors. Talk to your child about it and reassure them that other older children experience this too. Discuss any concerns about your child with your Doctor or Health Visitor.

Sleeping difficulties • There are many different reasons why babies and young children do not sleep through the night. Babies have very small tummies, about the size of their fist, so it is usual for them to wake in the night for feeding for quite some time.

• A bedtime routine helps babies learn the difference between day-time and night-time.

• Feel confident in yourself to know whether your child is really distressed or just restless.

• If your sleep is frequently disrupted by your child’s restlessness, arrange for a trusted relative or friend to care for your baby or child so that you can get some sleep.

Establishing a routine Many children and babies experience sleeping difficulties at some time. It is important to try to establish a regular night time sleep routine for your child by going to bed at a regular time each night. Prepare a warm, comfortable environment for them to relax in.

Reading to your child at bedtime helps your child to unwind and relax. If your child is scared of the dark, try keeping a night light on.

A few favourite toys in the bed will be a comfort if your child wakes up during the night. If you are concerned that your child has serious difficulty getting to sleep, or does not regularly sleep through the night, discuss your concerns with your Doctor or Health Visitor.

www.eric.org.uk • www.kidshealth.org/parent

17

“

Evan is seven, and I was very careful to visit and discuss his needs at the

after-school club. It now means I can work a full day knowing his needs are being

”

met and he is in a safe place.

All registered childcare in Wales must meet national standards set out by the Care and Social Services Inspectorate Wales (CSSIW) Family Information Services (FIS) hold lists of registered out-ofschools clubs, playgroups and children’s leisure activities Make a list of questions and take it with you when you visit each childcare centre Make sure the carer knows how to contact you in an emergency and who you will allow to collect your child Avoid leaving your child with someone under 16

How do I make the right choice?

As a parent you are often the best judge of whether a childcare service will suit your child.

When you leave your child in the care of others, you might want to check that: their needs are being met; their cultural background is seen and understood; they will be happy there; the same group of children often attend so your child can make friends; mealtimes are relaxed and fun; there is lots to do and it is carefully planned.

Make sure that your child is left in a safe place and that well trained and experienced staff are caring for your child. You will also want to get involved and know about what your child is doing day to day.

The main types of childcare available are: WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Sometimes, children are not always able to tell you if something is wrong so look out for changes in their moods, what they do and physical appearances.

Speak promptly to the person in charge about your concerns.

If you have serious concerns about your child’s safety, remove your child at once and contact your local child protection team at your local Social Services department.

Call Ofsted.

Tell your child who will be looking after them, where they are going, how long for and who they need to ask for their daily needs. Find out about what a typical day or session consists of.

Be prepared and ask plenty of questions.

Talk to others who have used a particular childcare service. Look for trained and experienced staff.

Visit the place where your child will be cared for and look for busy and relaxed children. Check how you will be informed about how your child is getting on and in case of an emergency.

• Care and Social Services Inspectorate Wales 01792 310420 • The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (ROSPA) 0121 248 2000 • NSPCC 0808 800 5000 • NCMA 0845 880 0044 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

18

www.walesppa.org • www.csiw.wales.gov.uk • www.rospa.co.uk www.nspcc.org.uk • www.ncma.org.uk

Childminders look after children usually in the childminder's own home. They are registered and inspected by CSSIW. Childminders can often be flexible about the hours that they work and they will care for your child with lots of fun and learning.

Day nurseries are for the under fives for the length of the working day. Social Services, voluntary organisations, private companies, individuals, business or community groups might run them. They are registered and inspected by CSSIW.

Pre-school playgroups are for children aged between two and a half and four. Sessions are two to three hours. Most of them are run by groups of parents with one or two paid staff.

Out-of-school clubs provide sessional play and care for school-aged children before or after school. There are breakfast clubs, afterschool clubs and holiday play schemes. They are inspected by CSSIW once a year.

Babysitting As parents the safety and well-being of your child is up to you.

As a result it is important that you think very carefully about the person you are going to leave them with, whether this is a stranger, close relative or a friend.

Babysitters do not need qualifications or a certificate to look after children. As a result anyone can be a babysitter. The Children’s Legal Centre and the NSPCC advise that the minimum age of a babysitter should be 16 years of age. This is based on the idea that at 16 and above, a young person understands possible dangers and risks and could get help quickly if needed.

Generally a babysitter will come to your home to take care of your child. Make sure you talk to your babysitter before you leave. Let them know when to expect you back and make sure they have contact details in case of emergencies.

19

Children have the right not to be hurt Bullying behaviour is wrong Bullying can happen to any child at any age Act straight away if you think your child is being bullied Children need ways of protecting themselves and getting help

“

Ask your child to run, yell and tell It happens most days. They call

me smelly and fat. They’re in the same class and they’re always laughing at me.

They said if I tell it will be ten times worse.

Sometimes I don’t go to school… I can’t

”

stand it anymore.

The real story Bullying is frightening. It can make a child feel very alone and unhappy and make them think that they are not as important as their friends who are not bullied. If bullying carries on it can have bad long-term effects on children, leading to them feeling depressed and even having suicidal thoughts and actions.

School days are a time when what other children think seems very important to your child. If children are thought of as different for any reason, they can be picked on and bullied.

Sadly, we still live in a society in which to be different in any way can mean ridicule and bullying (often copied from parents). It is very important to make sure you know the tell-tale signs of bullying.

You may think that your child is not likely to be bullied but bullying can happen at any time and to any child.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Running away, non-attendance at school, other learning and behavioural difficulties for no obvious reason.

Your child has injuries with no feasible explanation for them.

See someone at the school for their support and action.

If bullying is happening outside school, consider contacting the family of the child who is bullying and try to find a way to work together to sort it out.

Refuse to put up with bullying.

Walk away, tell an adult or friend and avoid fighting.

Parents - listen to your child, reassure and be there for them.

Talk to your child about their school day. Teach your child to respect others from a young age. Teach your child that prejudice and bullying is unacceptable.

• Your child’s school • ChildLine 0800 1111 • Kidscape 08451 205 204

WEBLINKS

20

• Bullying can happen anywhere but mostly happens in school.

• Bullying can take many forms, from verbal abuse to physical attack.

• Bullying is the repeated abuse of a child by one or several people.

• Bullies are not always older than the child they harm.

• Most bullying is done by children who are the same age as the victim.

If your child tells you about a friend or any other child who is being bullied - listen carefully and take them seriously. That child may not be able to say for themselves what is happening.

Today all schools are required to have an AntiBullying Policy. But, school action alone cannot get rid of bullying and so it is important that parents and schools work together.

Bullies who keep hurting other children need support and help as well. They may have problems of their own at home, which could have led to their actions. Reporting concerns may help them to get help as well.

www.childline.org.uk • www.kidscape.org.uk • www.kidshealth.org/parent

21

Child exploitation has bad effects on children Paedophiles have been quick to use the Internet as a tool, they are very well practised in how they approach children Children are interested in the ‘adult’ world, but there are measures you can take to protect your child from online risks and help them make the most of the Internet in a safe way Be sensitive to changes in how your child acts. It is up to adults to look for the signs of sexual exploitation

New technology, old problem

“

Greg is ten - same age as me. I haven’t met him, but we chat on the

Internet all the time. He’s really funny. He wants to meet up tomorrow to play

”

football...I can’t wait to see what he looks like.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Spending a long time in secret on the Internet, changes in how they act or moods, unusual sexual behaviour, asking questions about sexual experiences or words, leaving pornographic material, diaries, letters or emails where they can be found.

If you think your child has been exposed to any form of exploitation try to get them to tell you.

Assure them that they’ve done nothing wrong and that you will support them. Contact Social Services, Young Peoples Services or other appropriate organisations for further advice and support.

Make sure your child knows that you believe what they are telling you to create trust between you.

Explain in your own way why these things happen and avoid making them feel ashamed or foolish about what they have experienced. Let them know that you will protect them from further harm.

Know where your child is, know their friends and daily activities. Teach your child to trust their own feelings and assure them that they have a right to say NO to what they sense is wrong. Listen carefully to your child’s fears and be supportive.

• ParentlinePlus 0808 800 2222 • Kidscape 08451 205 204 • Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre 0870 000 3344

WEBLINKS

22

Risks from the Internet The Internet is a useful tool for people wishing to exploit children. Recent cases in the news have shown that Internet chat rooms can be used by paedophiles to make relationships with children. They then ‘groom’ children to become victims, either on the Internet itself, or by arranging to actually meet with them. Often victims believe that they are chatting to other children online, as they cannot see who they are talking to.

Learn all you can about the Internet. In the same way that you would teach your child about the dangers from strangers, warn your child about dangers on the Internet and lay down some ground rules regarding the time they spend online. If possible avoid your child going online in private, or at least make sure you have access to their computer. Make sure that they know they should never arrange to meet a new friend made on the Internet without a trusted adult going with them.

Internet pornography can cause damage to children who see it. But worse still, the Internet is a way in which pornographic images of children are obtained and exchanged. Sadly such images are in high demand, so pornographers will go to great lengths to get children involved against their will.

Watch out for possible signs of exploitation or abuse. Some of these signs are often completely innocent, but look out for changes in your child’s mood or how they act, not sleeping or bedwetting, bruises or marks, problems at school, going missing or hurting themselves on purpose, or having any pornographic material. Be especially aware of any new friendships between your child and older people, whether male or female.

Making it safe to surf There are ways in which you can help to protect your child online and make sure that the Internet is a safe way to learn and have fun.

Ask your Internet Service Provider or local computer specialist about parental controls, which can stop your child seeing websites with sexual or other harmful content. These methods cannot give a total safeguard but do offer some degree of protection.

If your child is abused, whether mildly or severely, it is vital to be 100% supportive, make it clear that it is not their fault and that you are there to help and protect them no matter what happens.

Make contact Local Police and Social Services have specialist teams who are specially trained to deal with these forms of exploitation and offer support to children and their families.

www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.kidscape.org.uk • www.ceop.gov.uk • www.iwf.org.uk

23

Never leave a young child alone Children are not ready for this amount of responsibility Leaving a child alone places them at risk of harm It can be a lonely and frightening experience Plan who you could contact for emergency care

Common sense If a child is not ready to be left alone at home it can be a sad, lonely, frightening and dangerous experience. There are many possible risks, both physical and emotional, which could affect your child in a negative way.

“

When mum goes out, I lock the door from the inside… she calls in

the letterbox to say goodbye, I leave the lights on in case anyone tries to get in.

”

She usually comes home in the night when I am asleep.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Parents who have limited support.

A child who is frequently observed outside and alone for extended periods of time.

Childcare arrangements that keep going wrong.

If there is immediate risk of harm to a child, call the Police.

If you are worried about a child being left alone, talk to the parent, a Health Visitor, Teacher or a Social Worker.

Think about shared babysitting and discuss this with neighbours, friends or other parents you have contact with. Find out about After School Clubs and Holiday Play Schemes.

• Police (in an emergency) • NSPCC 0808 800 5000 • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 • ChildLine 0800 1111 • Access and Information (Social Services) 01792 635700 • Out-of-Hours Duty Team (Social Services) 01792 775501 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

24

www.nspcc.org.uk • www.parentlineplus.org.uk • www.childline.org.uk

In addition, the level of responsibility which is given to the child to look after themselves to somehow manage whatever may happen is impossible for a younger child. They may say that they do not mind being left and may find it exciting initially, but they cannot fully know the possible risks and how to handle them.

Even the relatively ordinary things that happen in life, such as hunger, a storm, the phone ringing or someone coming to the front door can cause problems. An accident, feeling ill or a power cut may occur and these are not issues that a child could deal with.

In an inner city area it is rarely, if ever, possible to leave your children and assume that someone will look out for them if necessary, as may be the case in some communities and cultures.

If they are alerted, the Police and/or Children’s Social Services may take action if they think that a child has been neglected by being left alone. Neglect happens when a parent or carer fails to meet children’s basic needs of food, shelter, security, attention or protection from exposure to danger.

The NSPCC have issued guidelines advising that children under the age of 13 should not be left alone. While this recommendation does not have the force of law, it is suggested as good practice. Children under this age do not have the maturity to manage the responsibility of being left alone and this may be particularly so if they are physically or learning disabled.

25

”

Your child is protected by the Disability Discrimination Act The Government, your local council, education and health authorities are there to help

When I found out that Josie

was disabled I didn’t know how I was going to cope. I just didn’t think I’d

You may be able to receive financial help to assist with caring for your child

be able to do it alone. Pretty soon I

”

realised I didn’t have to.

There are many forms of extra services and support available to you and your child Support groups, parent groups and other organisations are out there to help you cope

You’re not alone If your child has a disability the future may seem daunting not just for them, but for you too.

Remember you and your child are not alone.

The Government, local council, health and education authorities provide a wide range of benefits, facilities, support and advice for disabled children and their carers.

Legal protection Your child is especially protected by law. The Disability Discrimination Act makes it unlawful for any service provider (including schools, businesses and organisations) to treat disabled people less favourably than other people because of their disability. It also requires them to make reasonable adjustments to make their services accessible to disabled people.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Some children’s disabilities are diagnosed fairly early. Others take time to appear or happen suddenly.

If you think your child may have some form of disability, contact your Health Visitor or Doctor for advice.

Don’t think you have to go it alone. Get as much information as you can about your child’s condition. Find out what services, support, benefits and advice is available and make contact.

There are many organisations specially set up to give support and advice to parents of disabled children. Contact them and tell your story. There will be others out there just like you.

You can’t prevent your child’s condition. But you can minimise the disability they experience by ensuring that they get the best support available, and by remembering that they have rights.

• Doctor or Health Visitor • Carers helpline 0808 808 7777 • NHS Direct 0845 4647 • Benefit Enquiry Line 0800 88 22 00 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

26

Health From the start, your Doctor and local health service are there for you. They’ll provide the help and advice you need to discover and assess your child’s disability. They’ll help you plan the treatment, therapy, equipment and ongoing medical care that your child may need.

Benefits There are several specific benefits that you could receive to help you with the costs of caring for a disabled child. These include Disability Living Allowance, Carers Allowance, help with extra housing costs and Carers Blue

Badge scheme. And don’t forget free dental treatment and prescriptions, help with the cost of glasses, and in some circumstances travel to hospital, school meals, and even road tax exemption.

Education Depending on their kind of disability, your child may benefit most by attending a special school - an environment specifically designed to match their educational needs.

Alternatively your child may receive the extra support they require through the special needs provisions available in a mainstream school.

Your education authority and health service providers will help you assess your child’s special educational needs and recommend the most appropriate way forward for their education.

Extra support Your council can provide extra support for you and your child. This can include special leisure facilities and short breaks, aids and adaptions and many additional services for particular needs. Also there are many local, national and international organisations and charities specially set up to provide further help, advice and support to people just like you.

Make contact You’re not alone, so make contact today and get the support you need.

www.carersuk.org • www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk • www.mencap.org.uk

27

Children do well when their parents or carers give them a good standard of care and sometimes parents and carers need help to do this Children can be ‘in need’ for a wide variety of reasons Swansea ‘Children In Need Procedures’ are there to make sure that children get the right services and care By involving the child, the parents or carers and all the relevant service providers together, the aim is to find and sort out issues early and successfully Permission is always needed from parents and carers to share information amongst groups of professionals, unless the child is at serious risk Children have a right to have their basic needs met and to be protected from abuse and neglect

Working together for our children

“

I always wanted to be a good mother, but it was hard to keep on top of everything.

Finally I got some help and you wouldn’t believe the difference it’s made. I’m so proud of

”

how far we’ve come. We’re a family again.

28

WARNING SIGNS

POSSIBLE CAUSES

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Missed health appointments, basic needs not being met, behavioural problems, not going to school or poor school progress, not being clean, not looking after themselves and hurting themselves on purpose.

Family breakdown, disability faced by child or other family member, domestic violence, parents using drugs or alcohol or mental health issues.

Try to help your child as best you can but if there are problems you cannot help with get help at once from Social Services, your Doctor or other care professionals.

Try to tell them about what’s happening as openly and honestly as you can.

Be involved in all meetings and interviews.

The earlier you seek help, the less damage will be done and the easier it will be to sort out the difficulties that your child and your family face.

• Discuss your concerns with any agency involved with your family • Speak to your Health Visitor or your child’s school • Access and information (Social Services) 01792 635700 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

Who are ‘Children In Need’?

All sorts of children and families face a variety of difficulties, where help is needed to make sure that they are safe and supported. The difficulty may arise from disability or family breakdown or from difficulties that many parents face in responding to their child’s changing needs. The help that children and families need can come from several different departments and agencies, so Swansea’s ‘Children In Need Procedures’ aim to bring together all the agencies that can offer help. The goal is to meet the needs of children and families in our community before a problem becomes a crisis.

How it all works When professionals with whom you have contact become aware that you need help to meet the needs of your child they will talk to you about how they can help. If it is not possible for their agency to provide the right service or advice they will request your permission to ask another agency to help. If a number of agencies need to make a plan with you to meet your children’s needs they may call a meeting, to which you will be invited, and at which you will

be given support to share your views. At this meeting, you, your child and representatives from various agencies, work together to find a successful way forward to overcome your individual difficulties. Plans made at a children in need meeting will be written down and reviewed within an agreed period of time.

Family focused You and your child are fully consulted and are encouraged to attend any meetings held about your situation. By law, all information about your family is treated in the strictest confidence and your permission is required for information to be shared, unless there are serious concerns about your child’s safety. At any time, you and your child have the right to express your views and have anything you wish explained to you.

Make contact The ‘Children In Need Policy and Procedures’ have been put in place to help both children and families. If you feel your child may be in need, remember you’re not alone. Make contact using the details given on the page opposite or speak to your Health Visitor or child’s school.

29

“

Share your loss

Since his father died, my son seems to have disappeared

into his own little world. I desperately want to help him, but I don’t

Loss or death affects everyone differently

”

know what to do, he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

Talking helps ease the pain Understanding the grieving process will help your child Be there for each other

Coping with grief Loss, such as divorce or separation from a boyfriend or girlfriend, someone leaving or death is difficult for everyone.

The death of a loved one can seem overwhelming. The death of a pet who has been a part of the family or the loss of a close friend moving away can also be extremely traumatic for children.

Lots of patience and understanding will help them work through their grief.

There is no right or wrong way to react and everyone responds in different ways. There will be a range of emotions your child is likely to go through:

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Everyone reacts to death differently and it takes some people longer than others to come to terms with a loss.

Give your child as much time and patience as they need, but if you think they are having long-term difficulties, you may want to think about talking to a bereavement counsellor.

Take your cue from your child. You may not be the person they find it easiest to talk to, so encourage others to be there for them.

But always let them know that you are there for them if they need you.

Your child may think it is too painful for you to talk about a loved one who has died. Let them know that there are times when you want to talk. Talking about someone who has died helps keep his or her spirit alive.

Remember to let them know it is alright to still laugh or have fun - it doesn’t mean you’re grieving any less.

Keep the lines of communication open as the more you talk, the easier the healing process will be. As a parent you can help your child through this difficult time. You can tell them if someone you know has died, and how you felt.

• Cruse Bereavement Care 0844 477 9400 • Cruse Swansea 01792 462845 • Winston’s Wish 08452 03 04 05

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30

• Numbness as they try to understand that someone is really not coming back.

• Anger at the person who left or died, at you, at others or themselves.

• Blaming themselves for their loss. Thinking they may have driven someone away.

• Guilt possibly blaming themselves in some way, or feeling guilty because they don’t think they’re grieving ‘enough’.

• Fear that the world as they know it has changed forever.

• Sadness at never seeing that person again.

• Relief, if the person who died was in pain or suffering.

• Depressed, feeling that life has lost all meaning.

Their behaviour may change as they deal with their emotions and try to come to terms with their loss. They may find it hard to cope with day to day realities. They may take their anger out on you, get into trouble at nursery. Grief can take many different forms.

How you can help Talk to your child about what has happened as much as they want to, but they may find this hard, so encourage friends or a teacher to be there for them, too. They may also benefit from talking to a bereavement counsellor.

Make sure the nursery knows of their loss and that they will need time, understanding and help as they work through their bereavement.

Cruse, also has a website specifically aimed at young people.

If you too are suffering, then it is going to be particularly hard for you to not only deal with your own emotions, but those of your children, too. Try to keep talking to each other, so you can share your grief, rather than each of you grieving alone. Your child may be too young to understand what has really happened, don't expect them to grieve in the same way that you do.

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk • www.winstonswish.org.uk

31

Not every mum copes straight away with motherhood Most women suffer ‘baby blues’ in the first ten days The sooner you get help, the sooner you’ll feel better Talk to your Midwife or Health Visitor about your worries Make the most of help from family and friends

”

I had everything - a home, a loving

husband and a darling baby girl. Yet I

”

felt unworthy and helpless.

Recognising the signs Caring for your baby is a wonderful experience, but for some mums at times in the first few days, weeks or months, it is not at all what they expected.

Baby blues Around 50-80% of new mums get the ‘baby blues’ when they feel, not surprisingly, very tired, worried and weepy during the first few days after the birth. This usually disappears without the need for treatment about ten days after the birth, and is quite normal.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

it is normal to feel emotional and very tired after having a baby, but symptoms of PND include constant crying, feeling cut off from everyone else, not being able to sleep, feeling worried and tense and not bonding with your baby.

If you feel low or depressed, don’t try to cope on your own and don’t be afraid to ask for help - all new mums need help from family and friends. Don’t worry about keeping the house clean or making big meals - rest when your baby sleeps.

If you feel you are not coping, talk to your Health Visitor, Midwife, or Doctor and don’t feel embarrassed or bad that you’re not handling motherhood as well as other mums seem to be. Talk to other mums you’ll find they’re probably finding things just as difficult as you are.

Although more people now know about PND, only about half of mothers who need help are getting it.

So don’t keep your feelings to yourself - the sooner you talk about it, the sooner you’ll get help and treatment if you need it.

• Your Doctor, Midwife or Health Visitor • Association of Postnatal Illness 020 7386 0868 • Family Information Service 01792 517222

WEBLINKS

32

Postnatal depression (PND) Around 10-15% of women will have worse depression, sometimes weeks or months after the birth of their baby. About half of cases happen in the first three months, and 75% of cases by six months. These mums have more powerful and longer lasting symptoms such as: • Constant weepiness.

• Worry, tension.

• Difficulty in bonding with the baby.

• Loss of interest in sex.

• Trouble sleeping, restlessness.

• Feeling very tired.

• Feeling completely alone or living in a ‘bubble’.

• Feelings of guilt and resentment.

Many women do not see that they have postnatal depression and carry on without getting the help they need. It is often women who expect a lot of themselves and of motherhood who find caring for a new baby hard to cope with.

If you feel depressed, it is very important to let family and friends know how you feel so that you can get help. Your Doctor can talk about treatment options with you, such as counselling and anti-depressants. You can also get to know about local mothers’ groups which can be an enormous support to new mums from your Doctor, Midwife, or Health Visitor.

Getting support Being at home with a new baby who seems to always need feeding and changing, who takes all your attention and leaves you feeling really tired, can be a lonely experience. Take up any offers of help and support from friends and family. If you feel you are not coping, always talk to your Doctor, Health Visitor or Midwife.

Do not feel ashamed of asking for help. PND is very common, and can be reduced almost immediately with the right help. You are not alone.

www.pni.org.uk • www.apni.org

33

Domestic abuse can affect children in serious and long-lasting ways Where there is domestic abuse there is often child abuse Children can sometimes blame themselves for problems in their family Nearly a third of domestic abuse begins in pregnancy

“

I crept

downstairs because I heard arguing. Dad was

standing over mum kicking her. I made sure that my sister did not

How does it affect children?

see, but we still heard.

When mum came upstairs, her nose was Domestic abuse is a crime that happens in close or family relationships. Everyone’s situation is different but all forms of domestic abuse stem from the abuser’s need to feel power and control over family members. Anyone who is abusive towards his or her partner runs the risk of damaging their whole family.

bleeding and we all cried, we stayed there until dad

”

went out.

WARNING SIGNS

ACTION

WHAT TO SAY

PREVENTION

CONTACTS

Any violence between adults will negatively affect children.

Seek support and help as soon as possible. The longer it lasts the more damaging violence is.

Report your concerns about yourself or someone else to the Police. If you are worried that your child might be affected, talk to them about what is happening.

Spend time together talking through worries they have.

Children need time to discuss the feelings they have about violence.

Children need to know that it is not their fault and that this is not the way relationships should be.

The violent partner should take responsibility for their violence and abuse by seeking help to stop. Offer a positive role model for children so that they learn other ways of behaving.

A Safety Plan helps protect you and your children.

• Domestic Violence Helpline Swansea 0808 80 10 800 • NSPCC 0808 800 5000 • 999 (in an emergency)

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34

relationships. Children might also think that hitting or shouting is a good way to end an argument.

Domestic abuse is common, affecting one in four women in their lifetimes. It also happens in same sex relationships. Men too can be victims.

Support from outside the family helps children.

So does a good relationship with the nonabusive parent and positive experiences outside home - especially at school. It is good to talk to the school or nursery about your child’s experiences at home. This will be treated in confidence and will help your child.

Children know about violence at home even when parents say they don’t argue in front of them. Seeing domestic abuse can be emotionally damaging and children may be injured by the violence. Sometimes children are used by the abuser to put pressure on the victim, for example to keep them in the abusive relationship.

Getting free from abuse is not easy. Many victims leave and return several times before making the break. But there are services that can help. These include Refuges, which are safe houses where women and children can live away from abuse. Refuges and some outreach services also provide help for children through the adjustment of leaving.

Most parents want to protect their children but domestic abuse stops them from doing their best because they are always tired and unhappy. Victims sometimes use alcohol and drugs as a way to cope with abuse, more so if they feel alone.

If you’ve separated from your partner, and want to feel safe at home, you can ask the local council for details of how to stay safe in your home.

Domestic abuse can make children afraid and withdrawn. It can disturb sleep, upset their school life and cause problems in making friends. It can lead to low self-confidence, depression and difficulties in forming

The helplines can help you plan to leave in an emergency and to find a place of safety. If you leave by yourself, make sure it is safe and you cannot be traced easily. Make a crisis safety plan to help keep you and your children safe. Know how to contact emergency help at any time.

www.womansaid.org.uk • www.refuge.org.uk • www.nspcc.org.uk

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