dining out

DOCKSIDE TAKEOUT Because life’s better on a boat. If you’re one of those lucky boating devils, here are a few great places to get your social distancing takeout.

In the interest of full disclosure: I do not have a boat.

In the interest of oversharing: I wish I had a boat.

Everything is better on a boat, social distancing included. My Instagram feed has been packed with these boat people, posting about their brutal, tortured isolation in the azure waters of the Gulf, toasting their cans of beer and Solo cups of wine with #quarantinelife #sunshine #seashelldistancing.

OK, I made up the last one. But I’d use it. If I had a boat.

I hate these boat people — because I am not them. I’m just another schlub living in pajamas, counting the walk from my bedroom to the kitchen as exercise, eating two-day-old lo mein for breakfast, trying to remember if it’s Tuesday or Sunday (neither: It’s Thursday).

On the quarantine spectrum, I’m about as far from #seashelldistancing as one can get.

But a critic can dream.

For you lucky bastards who are on boats, you can eat well while living your best seafaring lives. It’s unfair but true. Several waterfront restaurants are open for no-contact dockside pickup. I’m sharing nine of them, somewhat begrudgingly, here. Please note: Hours and open/ closed statuses may vary; call before placing an order.

Bert’s Bar & Grill It’s sad to think this colorful shack can’t share its million-dollar views — except it can, if you have a boat. This Matlacha staple will deliver its grouper tacos, its thick burgers, its hand-cut fried-to-order chips direct to its docks. Then go forth and enjoy your meal amid nature. (4271 Pine Island Road, Matlacha; 239-282-3232; bertsbar.com)

The Boathouse on Naples Bay Not to be confused with The Boathouse Tiki Bar & Grills in east Fort Myers and Cape Coral, which are temporarily closed, this Collier-based Boathouse is currently open offering a full menu packed with seafood of all sorts, plus a few beef, lamb and pork options for land-lovers. (990 Broad Ave. S., Naples; 239-643- 2235; boathouseonnaplesbay.com)

Cabbage Key Inn & Restaurant Situated between Cayo Costa and Pine Island, this almost 70-yearold inn is only accessible by boat. Famed for its dollar-bill covered walls and thick cheeseburgers, Cabbage Key offers call-ahead dockside pickup for boaters looking for a hot meal. (239-283-2278; cabbagekey.com/ dining)

The Dock at Crayton Cove From shrimp nachos to grouper fingers to stone crab claws, why catch your own seafood when you can pull into The Dock and skip right to the best part: eating it. Situated on Naples Bay on the edge of downtown Naples, The Dock isn’t just seafood. There are burgers, chicken, ribs and a bountiful Sunday brunch menu, all available for you lucky boat folks to enjoy on the water. (845 12th Ave. S., Naples; 239- 263-9940; dockcraytoncove.com)

Fathoms Run by a pair of French chefs, this Cape Harbour restaurant is all about culinary fun. From handcrafted pizzas to chicken-liver pate to a stunning steak frites, it’s hard to go wrong here. And it’s impossible for anything to taste bad on a boat. Win-win. (5785 Cape Harbour Drive No. 106, Cape Coral; 239-542-0123; fathomsrestaurant.com)

Gramma Dot’s This Sanibel classic crafts killer coconut shrimp, thick grouper sandwiches and some of the tartest, tangiest Key lime pie in town. Call ahead and you can grab all the above to be eaten from the comfort of your captain’s chair. (634 N. Yachtsman Drive, Sanibel; 239-472-8138; sanibelmarina. com)

Gather Tucked into Tarpon Point Marina, Gather earned my No. 1 pick in Cape Coral for 2020. It’s the craftiness of the cocktails, the stunning flavors of the food, the views of the water. You can get all of that delivered direct to your boat. And believe me, I would if I could. (5971 Silver King Blvd. No. 116, Cape Coral; 239-673-9939; gathercape.com)

PHOTOS SPECIAL TO SW FL PARENT & CHILD

Matanzas on the Bay Located on the serene waters of Estero Bay, Matanzas makes one of the best pizzas on Fort Myers Beach. Dinner options include steaks, burgers and grouper every which way. At lunch there are more sandwiches, wraps and salads. (416 Crescent St., Fort Myers Beach; 239-463-3838; matanzasonthebay.com)

Tarpon Lodge This former Pine Island fishing lodge is home to a quaintly historic dining room complete with brick fire place and creaky wood floors. Sadly, it’s closed. But Tarpon Lodge’s kitchen is not. I love the blue-crab-and-corn chowder, the crab cakes, the salads. I imagine I’d love it even more on a boat. (13771 Waterfront Drive, Bokeelia; 239-283-3999; tarponlodge.com/ restaurant)

Temporarily closed The Boathouse Tiki Bar & Grill: True to its name, this two-location chain offers dockside pickup from its Cape Coral and Fort Myers Shores restaurants. Personal favorites include the mahi tacos, the gator bites and a non-traditional, though no less delicious, Cuban sandwich. Check theboathouseusa.com for when the restaurants will be reopening.