Being queer and disabled by Ryan McMullan

I was born in 1982. Something happened during my birth. My brain was starved of some oxygen and that’s why I’ve cerebral palsy, which is a permanent condition. Cerebral palsy, or ‘CP’, if you’re hip, can affect people in a wide spectrum of ways.

For me it affects my speech and my right-hand side. I look and sound pretty disabled. It’s a constant challenge to get others to know me before they jump to conclusions. It can be in people’s nature to be unintentionally patronising and controlling towards disabled people. Therefore, I have a constant inner battle in trying to be understanding of why society is like this and not getting too annoyed.

I’m also a gay man, although I like to identify as being queer because I don’t like buying into the toxic cis-male masculinity that’s ever so present in my world. We’ll get to that later. Growing up in Northern Ireland, in a strange Protestant society, there weren’t many gay role models that I was allowed to look up to. I got the impression that we were taught to believe that all gay men were somehow sleazy and full of innuendo. A lot were dying of AIDS and there was real shame about that at the time.

I didn’t buy any of this. I knew being gay wasn’t a bad thing. For me it was cool, exciting and edgy. It was a two-fingers up to what I saw, sometimes, as a backwards society. There was no doubt in my mind that one day I was going to be accepted by my peers and society would catch up. Being disabled gave me this perspective. I knew I wasn’t less of a person because I was gay. To be honest I was probably more hung up about being disabled rather than being gay.

I came out in school. The reaction, however, was people thinking I was looking for attention. One particular strong memory I have was being told that I probably enjoyed the rape scene in The Shawshank Reception – which really surprised and hurt me. It still does. That’s where we were at in late ‘90’s in Northern Ireland.

There was no doubt in my mind that one day I was going to be accepted by my peers and society would catch up.

I came to Edinburgh in the early 2000’s. The scene was great. It took me a while to get engaged in it but it was a great time to be around, with many of the big clubs still happening regularly. It was a far cry from Northern Ireland. I was like any young horny guy, and did my fair share of experimentation with guys of all forms and sizes. But let’s be honest, many guys saw being with me as something that was wrong and perverse. Also, when in society have we ever seen a physically disabled person as being hot and desirable? There were no role models.

Using apps I could be another face within the crowd and was able to communicate fully with the power of text.

In saying that, many LGBT+ people have many issues because of the way society has treated them and I shouldn’t have been that hung up about it. I think I wasted my twenties being with an older guy. It wasn’t a particularly healthy relationship, but I think all experiences make you a better person. I used to think that I should be attracted to older guys because they were less picky, because being with someone knowing that you’re making them feel uncomfortable isn’t much of a turn on. I must admit, on reflection, there was an element of not respecting myself, because I didn’t. There are times when I look back and think that I was a vulnerable person that some guys took advantage off.

However, I think deep down, our community is more welcoming and kinder than we think. It can, of course, be shallow and judgemental - we only need to look at the countless guys in pants on our Instagram feeds to know that looks do matter and we’re told who and what is desirable.

I started making art about ten years ago. If I’m honest, it was a way of me trying to make some money, and coming from a family with many artists, this wasn’t much of a surprise. I’d been made redundant and, as a disabled person, there’s only so many job rejections you can take. What I made was not controversial, just pretty cityscapes that I knew I could sell. I did always try to put something in the drawing to suggest that the world is imperfect such as including bins or the word ‘gay’ graffiti’d onto a wall. I don’t make much art at the moment, I don’t have the need to but I do recognise that therapeutic benefit.

I met my husband on Grindr at a time when I was beginning to accept my disability and embrace it. Using apps I could be another face within the crowd and was able to communicate fully with the power of text. I subscribe to the social model of disability, where people are disabled by the barriers that society places in front of them. I’d been meeting loads of guys off the app, with the mixture of feelings of being in control, but probably sometimes out of control. My husband is non-disabled, albeit with just as many issues as the next person. I really struggled at the start of the relationship because I felt inadequate. He was the same age as me and I thought he was much more handsome than me because he was non-disabled. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to be with me. Now I can see, and perhaps I respect myself even more.

If you’re reading this and don’t have many or any disabled friends, think on the fact that in Scotland one in five people have a disability. Ask yourself what you can do to make our community more welcoming. What can we do as a society that doesn’t make people polarised? Think about your words and preferences. How can we protect some of our community that might be vulnerable without trying to control them or telling them you know better? Otherwise they’ll resent you and become even more isolated.

I have a right hand, which is deformed because my brain over the years told my left hand to be more dominant. For years I used to hide it behind my body in any photographs so that I’d look normal. But now I realise that I’m not. I don’t want to be normal. I want to embrace my body and have no shame. You’re not a pervert if you fancy someone like me. Saying that, however, it’s wrong to see someone like me and see an opportunity to control and use them without their full consent. The community I know has a long way to go but in my heart I know it wants to be even more welcoming and inclusive.

Ask yourself what you can do to make our community more welcoming. What can we do as a society that doesn’t make people polarised?

Ryan curates his own radio show: The Pavement Radio: www.thepavementradio.com