3 minute read
Andrew's Story: LIfe in a rural community
Our Health Improvement Coordinator based in Argyll and Bute, Amanda Scott recently had the chance to interview Andrew. In this interview Andrew speaks about his experiences of growing up in rural community and coming out later in life.
“I grew up in a rural area and from about the age of 13 I knew was gay. I’m now 59.
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I worked in bar and, with a handful of customers, there was lots of gay slurs and homophobic language and bullying directed towards me. The drunker they got the worse it got. No one stepped in or stood up for me. I had 20 years of namecalling and hatred directed towards me. It took its toll as I started to have panic attacks and actual spasms in my body.
I did have relations with women as I thought that would sort it out, but whenever I suppressed being gay, the feelings came back. I couldn’t even say the word gay. I ran from anything gay. When the bullying started at work, I would feel myself tighten up, or if anything came on the news about gay people, I would start to panic. I lived in terror that my secret would be exposed and this gave the bullies power over me.
I decided to become celibate and this continued for 12 years. Eventually I was on anxiety medication but I became a very angry person and would fall out with people. This isn’t really me. I just threw myself into working on my own business but it was challenging as I started having very difficult suicidal thoughts and even came very close to attempting it. I cut social ties with people as I didn’t want to go anywhere, and I wanted to avoid situations where I might be vulnerable. I used to say to myself, you either come out or you… I thought about how I could kill myself, but in the end, I couldn’t do it.
About 3 years ago, a gay couple moved to the village and I started to get friendly with them after a while. I didn’t want to be seen with them at the start, but they were friendly and I liked them. They started to offer a space to talk and would say ‘is there anything you want to talk about?’ They just kept saying this when there was an opportunity. I knew that they knew I was gay but I just couldn’t say it. Eventually, after giving me lots of opportunities, in my own time I did say ‘I am gay’.
This couple supported me so much. They have helped me a lot. After I told them, I went to my parent’s graveside and told them. Then I told my family. My brother said ‘I knew you were camp, but Gay? Really’? But he was ok with it. Then I chose 12 close friends to tell. Most friends said ‘we know’, or ‘could have told you that 20 years ago’. My friends helped me put it on a local community Facebook page. The more you tell people the easier it gets! By then end of telling people, I was starting to enjoy myself.
If I hadn’t had them to support me, I would still be stuck in that closet and it’s a horrible place to be. But I guess now the genie is out of the bottle.
What advice would you give to someone struggling to come out?
My advice to anyone who’s struggling is to find a person that you trust and tell them. Tell people and build on that, tell friends and family. Don’t hide in that closet, stand up and be proud, say who you are!
In my village, I’ve had a really positive response. I have maybe lost a couple of friends. I know a few people are uncomfortable with me now. I bring up the subject now, and can try and reassure them. We’d like to give a massive thank you to Andrew for sharing his story. Coming out can be one of the biggest decisions a person from the LGBTI+ community can make. It’s an important life event, representing a time when you feel confident in who you are.
See the dedicated pages on our website for more information about coming out. Or chat to us through our website using the live chat service, drop us a message Grindr or Scruff, or email us: info@s-x.scot
