AN OPEN LETTER TO MY ANXIETY

BY TASHA EPSTEIN, 10

Hello there, old friend.

I haven’t called you “friend” for long—it has taken us some time to reach this agreement, hasn’t it? But now… I suppose you are my friend, and someone—something, I suppose most would say—that I can always count on.

Ever since I was little, you and I have been together. You’re a part of me. It’s been a while since I noticed you, and a while since I accepted you.

It’s been about a year of us getting along. Before that, you took about six months where you really made yourself known. I was crying in a corner, I was out of school, I was in a program to try and subdue you. And it worked.

I have a few questions, queries really, for you. Well, now that I think about it, only one.

Why? I have asked myself this, I’ve asked my parents this, and I’ve asked you this. I’ve accepted there isn’t really an answer I can get. I’ll never know why you’re with me in everything I do, tainting all I touch. Why me, out of 7.5 billion humans on this green Earth? Why am I the one stuck with you?

In truth, I’m not the only one with an anxiety buddy. General- ized anxiety affects 6.8 million people. But that’s only 3.1% of the world. That’s a minority. And we’re in the closet. There’s such a stigma. Anxiety makes people weak, it seems. And it’s true. I have my weak moments. But I’ve learned to love you.

I’ve asked myself what I’d be like without you. Would I be cool, confident, and popular? Would I have been a theatre geek to whom the whole world’s a stage? Who would I have been? Who would I be? What would my personality be like, if I didn’t have you?

I can’t know—I never could. But I don’t care anymore. Because I can’t change it. I’m still going to be anxious, at least a little, no matter how many therapists I go to, medications I try, and strat- egies I use. I’ll still get the occasional panic attack. I’ll still curl up and cry sometimes. But that’s fine, because I’m me. And as cheesy as it sounds, being me is being the best person I can be.

And I love you, now, because you’ve stuck with me. People have run, people have shifted, people have come, and people have gone. But even in my lowest moments, you’re there.

And now that you’re not so blaringly loud, I think we can enjoy each other’s presence. I’ve learned to separate the Anxiety Tasha from Actual Tasha. And I can see my own personality now. I am my own person, albeit with a little screaming sidekick who thinks all planes will crash and all food will make you throw up. But I can ignore you when you get out of hand, and comfort you when you get scared.

And you’re right about some stuff! Some people and places are scary! Some planes crash! And some food makes you sick. But you’ve never been on a plane that crashed, and you only throw up when you eat shrimp because you’re allergic to it. I can talk back to you now. The world isn’t perfect, but it’s not that bad.

I’m able to see me and my personality now. I realized that I can change myself at any point. So I did. I cut my hair short, after 15.5 years of long hair, and I plan on dying it purple this summer! I started wearing only dresses. I started my own cat-sitting business. I applied for leadership roles in a variety of clubs and extracurriculars and jobs. Now I’m an officer in two clubs, and trying out for an editorial position on the school paper. I got a job tutoring a young child in English. And I lead the NAMI club.

I don’t want anyone to go through the rough stuff I went through with you, all the fighting between us. I want to be a psychologist when I’m older. I want to help people discover who they are, not without their mental illness, but with their mental illness working for/with them. I gave a TEDx talk on the effect of social media on mental health, and I want to help people understand how to help themselves.

The personality I’ve found myself with is a very nice one, if I do say so myself. I’m confident, calm, kind, and perky (tired a lot too!). But I’m careful to be sensitive, and I love you so much for mak- ing me the person I am today.

I feel like my personality goes so much deeper than it would have without you. I’m mature and unshakable. I love you, and I love me.

Life can be hard at times, but I’m not dealing with it alone. With you, life is a two-player game. And the life we’ve built for ourselves now is so much greater than anything I could have imagined and you could have disasterized. I’m so passionate, and I love being alive. It really does get better.

Thank you, for everything. As always,