2 minute read
DEALING WITH SHAME & GUILT
BREAKING FREE
By Dori Gomes
From early childhood, I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom (at least until my children were in school). But I never anticipated the shame, guilt, fear, and expectations that would accompany me for the ride. I felt shame for not financially providing and guilt when I wanted a moment to myself. I struggled to keep up with the millions of expectations I heaped upon myself and others’ expectations of me.
Research indicates that women have a higher propensity for shame, guilt, and fear than men, and evidence reveals those feelings negatively impact our expectations for success (Lutwak et al., 2016). We expect to table our dreams for the greater good throughout our lives, and I’m not sure if this is a learned behavior, socially accepted as true, or an expectation we place upon ourselves, but it is toxic. What propels men forward holds women back. Men are motivated to perform by thoughts of shame, guilt, fear, and expectation whereas women pull back to ensure others get what they want and need. If women had an Achilles heel, it would be our mothering instinct to put others first.
Without knowing it, we indebt ourselves to people in ways that derail us from our purpose. Without recognizing it, we allow ourselves to make concessions assuming it is what is expected. Let me remind you: We do not always need to be the ones taking one for the team. We can invite others into the mix in a way that allows everyone to win.
How do we fix this? First, acknowledge when you feel yourself pulling back and figure out why you are doing it. Next, determine if someone else can step in so you can succeed, too. Finally, ask yourself if doing this will take you closer to where you want to be and if doing this will help you become what you want to be. Shrinking back from your calling helps no one. Step boldly into your purpose and only step aside when led, not when scared, ashamed, guilty, or because expectation invites it. Your happiness, success, and dreams matter, too.
Sources:
Lutwak N, Panish JB, Ferrari JR, Razzino BE. Shame
and guilt and their relationship to positive expectations and anger expressiveness. Adolescence. 2016 Winter;36(144):641-53. PMID: 11928873.
NCBI - WWW Error Blocked Diagnostic Shame and Guilt and Their Relationships to Positive Expectations and Anger Expressiveness
