HAPPY girl HEADSHOTS: THEY’RE IMPORTANT!
WONDER WOMEN
POSING
TWINS! 101
Meet four AweInspiring women
LEARN TO FIGHT
YOUR INNER MEAN GIRL
HAPPY | Girl 2013
Be
Happy
Happy Girl Putting together Happy has been such a labor of love for my team and me. I started with an idea. I wanted to find a new way to show my work that provoked discussion. Slide shows bore me. Blogging 50 images in a row is overwhelming. And the sheer volume of images that we look at every day means we are less interested than ever.
So how do I draw you in? I want to tell you stories. I want to push you a little. I want to show you a new idea or two. The best way? Our clients! They have brought so much inspiration and joy to my life. Now, I want to allow them to do the same in yours.
Being happy is how I run my business and live my life. And I try to spread it around to as many people as I can.
“WHEN I SAY
I want the people around me to see their potential; to remember themselves. I want them to throw away all the outdated ideas they have in their heads about who they are. I want to take you into my world. Each issue of Happy will look at a different side of my photography. Each will tell unique stories. An image holds so much more than just a pretty face. It’s the life behind it that is the true beauty!
I WANT TO PHOTOGRAPH SOMEONE, WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS
This premiere issue of Happy looks at women who’ve come to my studio to be photographed and have found themselves leaving with more than just an image. I want to celebrate their stories and I hope you join me.
-Tammy Swales
THAT I’D LIKE TO KNOW THEM.”
-ANNIE LIEBOVITZ 2
HAPPY |Girl 2013 EDITORIAL & CREATIVE DIRECTOR Tammy Swales GUILTY PLEASURE Expensive Bedding NEXT BIG SPLURGE Tieks NEXT DESTINATION Florida
Contents DEPARTMENTS
6 7 11 13 73
EDITOR’S LETTER BEAUTY STYLE DESIGN GUEST CONTRIBUTOR
BETTER PICTURES
17
ART DIRECTOR Ilana Zatkowsky
EXECUTIVE EDITOR Elena M. Kurz
GUILTY PLEASURE Shopping online at J.Crew
GUILTY PLEASURE Watching 90’s reruns
GUILTY PLEASURE Super tall heels
NEXT BIG SPLURGE Ona Camera Bag
NEXT BIG SPLURGE Wedding
NEXT BIG SPLURGE Ireland
NEXT DESTINATION Colorado
NEXT DESTINATION Disney World
NEXT DESTINATION Honeymoon
GRAPHIC DESIGNER Ilana Zatkowsky
PHOTOGRAPHY
Tammy Swales Carla Ten Eyck Sarah Maren Whitehead
INITIAL EDITORIAL CONSULTANT Katrina Mendolera
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS AND EDITORS
Michelle Hendrix, Kathleen Pringle, Michelle Rauber, Kelli Berg, Pam Sherman, Jody Hirsh, Andrea Holland, Tammy Woeppel, Pete Bekisz
MAKEUP AND STYLING Rock Paper Scissors Salon and Spa
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POSING 101
We give our top Do’s and Don’ts for posing. See why what you do with your body is so important.
INSPIRATIONS
35
INNER MEAN GIRL
We all let the little voices of our insecurities run our lives. Find out why it’s worth shutting them up for good!
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU
Stop sneaking out of your family photographs! We explain our reasoning behind why, we believe, the best thing you can do is get into those pictures.
PRACTICE WHAT WE PREACH
63
WHY HEADSHOTS ARE SO IMPORTANT
Snapshots simply won’t make the cut. Learn why you should invest in your first impressions!
MANAGING EDITOR Ali Dean
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FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHS Happy’s Ilana Zatkowsky and Ali Dean tell us, first-hand, what it was like to be photographed with their families and why they would definitely do it again!
UP & COMING
67 70 71
STRONG GIRLS GOOD READS WHAT WE LOVE
THINGS I KNOW
77
40
WONDER WOMEN
51
WOMEN WE LOVE
TAMMY SWALES
Meet some of the strongest women we know. Their stories of personal triumph and tribulation will amaze and inspire you.
Brené Brown, the author of I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t), teaches women to overcome their fear of vulnerability. We sum up some of her best insights into letting go of your insecurities and celebrate yourself.
SPECIAL THANKS
Sarah Chasey, Leika Cornwall, Colleen Peters, Joan Lincoln and daughters, Priscilla Auchincloss Beth Lewis, Marlo DiCrasto, Gretchen Bye and daughters, Laura Gross and daughters Blynn Nelson and daughter, Chelsea Felton and daughter, Julie Fratangelo and mom and daughters Lisa Dean, Jane Gordon and daughters, Sydney Smith, Beth Rodbell, Danielle White, Desirae Davis Stefanie Billitier and daughter, Jillian VanValkenburgh, Pam Sherman and daughter
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HAPPY | Editor’s Letter
Because it is personal We created Happy because, for all of us at Team Swales, what we do is personal. The people we photograph they share their lives with us.We want to showcase our clients’ stories, not just their pictures. We want to bring to light the beautiful moments and memories and lives of the people who come to us. The women in Happy are more than just a photograph, more than just a job. They leave a lasting wonder in our lives. The struggles, triumphs, loves, and losses of our clients become our own.We form incredibly strong relationships with the people we photograph. We form friendships. These amazing people come into our lives and open up to us, lay bare their deepest selves. And the most amazing thing about it? They help us to do the same.
I
We hope the women on these pages will inspire your life in the same way they’ve inspired ours. We want to open, in you, the possibility of discovery. Happy is a window into our world.
used to think being photographed was no big deal. It’s digital right? Delete it and forget it if you don’t like it. But my secret self, my inner mean girl, still told me how awful I looked in images. While I was encouraging others to be vulnerable, to be authentic, the truth of the matter was I acted like I was exempt.
I put that camera in front of their faces and I didn’t get it. I didn’t appreciate that they had their own inner voices haunting them. I was kind of a jerk, to be honest. I remember saying, “Oh just do it. It’s no big deal.” And the one that makes me cringe the most, “We’re all girls. We’ve seen it before.” I can’t tell you the exact moment I realized how hypocritical I was being. I think it happened over time. While I watched women take a deep breath, be deeply afraid, and do it anyway, I began to think, I want that. I want to do that.
We can’t wait for you to come inside!
So, I booked a session. Tammy Swales Confidence Booster
It was, quite simply, the most terrifying experience I’ve ever had. It looks silly when I write it, but trust me it was anything but silly. I was shaking; sick to my stomach. I was convinced I looked horrible. I knew the photographer must secretly be laughing at me. All these thoughts in my head were crippling. But still, I did it. And then I did it again. And again. And again. Every time I had the opportunity I would ask another photographer to photograph me. I stepped into my vulnerability. I stopped being afraid and started to understand that my perception of what I looked like was grossly wrong. I am beautiful. I finally began to understand that sometimes the camera tells us things we never realized or refused to believe. Every single woman who is photographed in my studio carries with her more than just outfits. She carries the worries, the angst, and the fear of showing her vulnerability. Now, I can honestly say I get it. It’s scary. But if you can take that step, shut down the voice, and be vulnerable, what happens is no less than transformational.
-Tammy Swales Summer 2013
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Q ASK Michelle BEAUTY | Ask Michelle
Why do my blemishes get so much worse when I use concealer on them?
A
TRENDS FOR SUMMER! Summer 2013 is all about having a pop of color. Think pink, aqua blue, or green! This Summer calls for BIG and BOLD looks! Spruce up your style with bright, fun colors.
Q
You are clogging up your pores with makeup! Instead, use a concealer with zit-zapping ingredients like salicylic acid. That gives you coverage AND helps reduce the redness of blemishes. Try Clinique’s Acne Solutions Clearing Concealer. It has salicylic acid and green pigments to help eliminate redness.
I heard that false eyelashes are hot this year and I’m tired of runny mascara! What do I need to know about them?
A
There are A LOT of options for false eyelashes so do your research carefully. If you are thinking about eyelash extensions that last longer than a day or two, I recommend NOVALASH eyelash extensions. These extensions are considered the healthiest professional eyelash extension option! Eyelash extensions work great for a variety of looks ranging from subtle and natural to trendy and glamorous! They are applied lash by lash on top of each of your lashes and last for 6-8 weeks. Forget about worrying if your mascara will run. With these eyelashes, you’ll roll out of bed and be ready to go.
Michelle Rauber is Co-Owner of Rock Paper Scissors Salon and Spa. She’s a licensed esthetician with advanced training and certifications in makeup, eyelash extensions, skincare, and waxing. Check her out on Facebook at Rock Paper Scissors Salon for any of your beauty needs!
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BEAUTY | Ask Michelle
Q
Summer is here and I look like a ghost. My skin is pale and dry and definitely not ready for sleeveless shirts or the beach. Help!
Q
A
If you have a special occasion or event where you don’t want to be pale, my advice is to get a spray tan! I recommend the South Seas line. It’s paraben free and will give you a flawless natural look. (For a last minute quickie tan try Neutrogena’s Micro Mist Airbrush Sunless Tan. ) For dry skin, sluff off those icky dead skin cells with a body scrub. Try Physiodermie’s Bio-Gommage Body. It will leave your skin soft and glowing.
What are some skin care and make up tips or tricks you swear by?
A
I swear by mascara and a spoon! I’ve used Lancôme Définicils and a metal spoon for years and it hasn’t failed me yet. Apply a coat of mascara and run your spoon under warm water, dry it off (make sure it’s not TOO hot) and use the curve of the spoon to press upward against your lashes for 5-10 seconds. Repeat on the other eye. When you want an even BOLDER look, repeat a second time on each eye with another coat of mascara. Recently, I began noticing I have deeper wrinkles on one side of my face. (What is THAT about!) The trick to making them disappear? Swap out your cotton pillowcases for satin or silk instead. I also add an anti-aging night cream to my face and, especially for us side sleepers, it works wonders!
wear your CONFIDENCE like your makeup
Finally, I always use Aquaphor Healing Ointment. I use it to spot treat dry patches of skin. It also works wonders as an eye cream or lip balm. Plus, it’s hypoallergenic and noncomedogenic so it is perfect for sensitive skin.
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STYLE | Summer Looks
Flirtatious in florals
Check out stylist Tammy Woeppel’s great advice for fashion trends this summer.
Our feet may hurt just looking at them but the pointy toe pump is back in a big way. Paired with shorts, denim, or your favorite dress these are the shoe silhouette to invest in.
Floral prints are having a major moment and are a no-brainer for fun, flirty dresses this summer. Whether in small-scale prints or abstract floral motifs, these are sure to be a wardrobe go-to all season long.
Parker Lily Dress
$249
3.1 Phillip Lim Floral Eyelet Grommet Dress
$625
Zara Printed Dress
$89.90
Pointy Toe Pumps
Shoshanna Janie Floral Strapless Dress
$395 12
DESIGN | My Own Space
Her Happy Place We asked Kelli Berg, owner of Simply Beautiful Events, to give us some insight into how she transformed her space from a drab office to a delightful and personal working space. We LOVE her response! When I read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne I was just starting out with my business twelve years ago. Byrne says that if you envision your goals and put them out into the universe, they will come back to you. Of course, hard work and diligence are also key in making your dreams happen but the concept of positive thinking really stayed with me.
What evolved over time is an office that is extremely personal. It has become my haven. It’s made up of who I am and what I love. From my grandmother’s antique rooster to a giant metallic apple, each and every item has its own story. Each one has somehow touched my life.
One of my dreams at that time was to have an office that my clients would enjoy visiting; that they would be inspired by. Every day so many people get into their cars, drive to work, and then sit in offices that doesn’t excite them. I could never see myself working in an office that way. I NEEDED it to be personal. I wanted my clients to have immediate insight into my sense of style and understand who I was as a designer. Kelli Berg Event Designer
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Make Your Space Amazing!
DESIGN | My Own Space
1. Mix it up! Don’t let yourself get caught up in playing match-maker. Use unique, eclectic pieces that reflect your own personal style. Mixing colors, styles, and shapes will turn your space into a dynamic and special place.
2. Be bold in your decorations! Subtle has it’s time and place but when you are trying to create a truly personal space you want to bump it up with all your unique flair. Don’t be afraid of bold colors and graphic patterns. Let you space speak for itself.
3. Little details make big impressions! When designing a stunning space, details will make or break the mood. Even with the most pristine decorations, a scuffed wall or chipped molding can ruin the room. Pay special attention to small details to really make your space sing.
4. Recycle, Reduce, Reuse! When I step inside and sit down at my table, I am
I’m so proud of the fact that I have created this
inspired to be creative; to be passionate and to
space for my clients to come, looking for those
use my imagination in every avenue of my work.
precise, perfect details, it enables them to walk
My office is multi-faceted. I have enough space to
away happy (and a little relieved!). My space gives
display all the wonderful design elements that we
the people that come to me the comfort to chat
use and rent for our events. It’s a great place for
about their events, accept guidance, and bounce ideas
people to come and be creative, to explore color,
around. I love that my office is a visual representation
décor and the delightful details that make their event
of my journey up to this point. In my space, I can see the
personal and unique. A client can come in to find
path that I am on and the inspiration that keeps me going.
something amazing for their bridesmaids or choose the perfectly colored linens for their next event.
It’s my happy place.
Using reclaimed materials is a costeffective and trendy way to re-do your space. Whether you are using wood, tile, or antique accent pieces, these materials will be sure to create a new look all your own.
5. Add a little life! Plants can make great decoration pieces. Not only will they add a splash of color with bright blooms or rich green leaves, but they will also give a breath of fresh air to any space. Use unique combinations of plants, ranging from beautiful hanging ivies to bursts of colorful flowers, to create a rich, vibrant feel. 16
BETTER PICTURES | Headshots
4 seconds
A Good Headshot:
YOU ONLY HAVE
• Makes a connection with the viewer drawing them in through the eyes. • Is a clean and uncluttered image. • Allows your personality to shine through the image.
WHY HEADSHOTS ARE SO IMPORTANT.
• Are you creative? Sophisticated? Bold? Intelligent? Approachable? A great headshot should be able to communicate all types of qualities.
We all know the famous phrase you never get a second chance to make a first impression. But how many of these first impressions are made through headshots? The answer: A LOT! Headshots have become increasingly undervalued. We all think it: Why bother? This snapshot is good enough. Good enough? Your headshot is your first impression to the world. It’s your personal and professional avatar. And that little photo has become even more important in our fast-paced, virtuallyconnected world.
A Bad Headshot: • Has poor lighting, creating harsh shadows or glaring highlights.
Did you know we only have four seconds to capture someone’s attention on a website? Four seconds to make an impression. It’s easy to think of headshots only in terms of business; to think “I don’t need one of those for my job.” The reality? Your headshot represents you professionally, yes, but what about dating profiles, social profiles, or calling cards? In our culture, your image IS you. It might not be fair but it is our reality.
• Doesn’t make a connection through the eyes or uses unflattering angles. • Looks uncomfortable. • You don’t want to appear nervous, awkward, flat, or unapproachable. A poor headshot often is unable to communicate positive qualities.
So trust us! Go get a great headshot. Make that image one that you love. Make a first impression worthy of yourself. The best part is the boost of confidence it will give you; looking at that photograph and thinking,“here I am, this is me.” Sarah Chasey Opera Singer
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BETTER PICTURES | Headshots
“We are a visual and, forgive me for saying it, a judgmental culture. A good headshot shows others that you care. That you are paying attention. That you are real.”
Beth Lewis Project Manager
-Tammy Swales Priscilla Auchincloss Owner of Physikos, Movement Studio
Marlo DiCrasto Actor Make-up by Valerie Antrita-Demino
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BETTER PICTURES | Headshots
EVOLUTION of a headshot
“Finally! Something that represents me as a professional and beautiful woman. I didn’t really understand how important a good headshot was until now.”
Meet Michelle Hendrix. She has struggled with a laundry list of less than great headshots. This is a small window into her journey from awkward and unflattering images to a professional and beautiful headshot.
I needed a photo for a national sales meeting in the Bahamas. This photo ended up on a big screen and published in a book. It was extremely embarrassing!
This is a last minute photo for a newsletter. Not much better, but at least I’m in a suit!
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BETTER PICTURES | Headshots
Leika Cornwall Magazine Editor
“Whatever line of work you are in, if you are promoting yourself, you need a great headshot. More than just a flattering photograph, a great headshot is a powerful tool for making people remember you. This is because facial recognition is wired deeply inside every human mind. It is very much to your advantage to provide a headshot that people can identify with and remember you by. To showcase you looking your honest best, a headshot should look professional, refined, natural and most importantly, reflect your personality. Only you can bring your personality to the shoot, but great photographers, including Tammy can help spot it, capture it, and be sure it comes through.� -Kathleen Pringle
CEO, Kathleen Pringle Group, Inc.
Colleen Peters IT Manager
Joan Lincoln Makeup Artist, Boutique Owner 24
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Quick Tips
for posing better in pictures
POSING
101
Posing. It’s supposed to be simple right? Just stand in front of the camera and smile. Maybe stick out a hip or tip your head a bit. But somehow you never seem to be happy with the way you look in photographs. You look at a picture of yourself and think, Is my waist really that big? Am I always so awkward looking? Trust us, you’re not! Here’s the thing about posing: it’s not rocket science but it is very important, and having a good idea of the basics will dramatically improve the way you look in photos. So, check out our biggest Do’s and Don’ts when posing and get ready to have your picture taken worry free. We’re sure these tips will give you the confidence and knowledge to always look your best.
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BETTER PICTURES | Posing 101
Show Movement DON’T just stand there! If you’re acting awkward it will come through in your photographs.
DO
give your body something to do! Cross your arms or move your feet. Act natural and have fun.
Fake Waist DON’T just stick your hands on your hips! This is the widest part of your figure and no one wants to call attention to it.
DO
make a fake waist! Put your hands on your natural waist. Give yourself the curves you deserve.
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BETTER PICTURES | Posing 101
Push It Back DON’T push yourself towards the camera! The closer to the camera something is, the bigger it appears.
DO
pull yourself back! Let your upper body lead the way. Push your hips away from the camera to give the appearance of a slimmer figure.
Don’t Hide DON’T hide! You might think that you look best when barely any of you shows but in reality you just look nervous and shy.
DO
come out of the shadows! You’ll look much better when you stop hiding and show your personality and confidence.
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INSPIRATIONS
Welcome to our inspiration! Happy has grown out of all our crazy, wild, wonderful ideas. It came out of the brilliance of the people, and the world surrounding us. These are our “ah-hah” moments; the things that make us sit up and pay attention. The things that make us think, Okay, I can do this. I am stronger than I know. We began to fight back against those cruel little voices in our heads telling us how inadequate we are (page 35) and Brené Brown taught us how (page 57). We were floored by the strength of our Wonder Women (page 40). We realized just how important it is to get into our family photographs (page 59). In creating Happy, we’ve grown stronger; discovered greater confidence in ourselves. We’ve learned how to be satisfied, confident, and happy with who we are. We want to share these triumphs with you. We want you to dive in and find your own inspiration!
Desirae Davis 34
INSPIRATIONS | Inner Mean Girl
INNERGIRL
MEAN
D
o you remember the first time you heard that voice, snickering in the back of your mind?
“Oh, you think that dress looks good?” “A second scoop of ice cream, really? Aren’t your jeans tight enough?” “Why are you even bothering to go on this date? No one’s ever asked you out on a second one.”
No matter the words, what that awful little voice is really telling you is that you will never be good enough.
So the question becomes this: if we all have a malicious Inner Mean Girl, why not fight back? Why let her tell us we aren’t good enough? Why let her run our lives?
So, when did you first hear that soft whisper of doubt? Often, that voice enters us in childhood. The Inner Mean Girl is merciless. She is constructed out of our own deepest fears; the things we are conditioned to believe are wrong with us. She is an angry, tangled composite of all the girls from our grade school classes, our awkward middle school years, our transformative time in college. She is giggling at our glasses, our hair cut, our body, our passions. There is such a yearning in youth to fit in; to be loved and supported. We long for a connection to our peers. Even as adults, the world is still an enormous, frightening place. And the Mean Girl inside dogs us, shrieking with laughter as she constantly reminds us of every perceived flaw. She revels in recounting every embarrassing moment and unfulfilled promise, both past and present. The hardest part is we have all been some fragment of someone else’s Inner Mean Girl. We lash out at others because that small voice (sometimes loudly screaming) tells us hurting her will protect us. We are at our worst towards others through our own vain attempt to overcome our fear of inadequacy. And the cruelest of our peers? Well, she has an even nastier little girl living inside of her.
Because you know what? We are good enough. We are all beautiful, smart, wonderful, unique women. We need to tell our Inner Mean Girl to shut her mouth. We need to tell her we know better. Brené Brown (see more about her on page 57), acclaimed author and motivational speaker, who has extensively studied women’s outlooks on vulnerability and their skewed perceptions of worthiness and shame, tells us to let go of our shame, our feelings of unworthiness, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. She teaches us that when we break through the enormous web of all our unattainable, conflicting, competing expectations of ourselves we will realize that our little Inner Mean Girl was us all along.
Brené shows us we can defeat that little voice of shame and inadequacy, even as she shrieks at us, you aren’t good enough; who do you think you are?
Too fat. Big nose. Ugly teeth. Unintelligent. Bad Hair. The list is exhausting.
Stefanie Billitier and daughter
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INSPIRATIONS | Inner Mean Girl We are, and have always been, our own worst enemies. As soon as we can allow ourselves to just be ourselves, we can begin to find our ways. The hardest thing to overcome is not that little voice, that mean little girl, but rather ourselves. Our Inner Mean Girl is, ultimately, our own creation. She thrives because we allow her to. We are too afraid to break her grip. It terrifies us to let go of what we have held onto for so long; what we have built our lives upon. Every triumph, failure, decision, and loss has been narrated by our Inner Mean Girl. We have let her worm into our every facet. Brené shows us we can defeat that little voice of shame and inadequacy, even as she shrieks at us, you aren’t good
enough; who do you think you are? And when we kick her out we begin to invite better things into our lives. If we’re unable to love and accept ourselves, then others will also be unable to show us these things. So let go. Be beautiful. Be happy. Be you. We must all become our own greatest advocates in life. Allow yourself to be vulnerable; to open up to life and all its wonderful possibility. You are already the best version of yourself. Crush that cruel little voice inside of you and watch the world open up. We all want to be loved, to be accepted; to fit in to something greater than ourselves. But first, we need to learn to love ourselves. Accept ourselves. Remember to be bold. Leave your Inner Mean Girl stuck on the playground where she belongs.
“We must all become our own greatest advocates in life.”
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WONDER
women At Happy, we find inspiration
all around us. But if we had to say what inspires us the most, we would definitely tell you,
“Our clients!” These next four women are some of the strongest we know. They have all faced difficult hurdles, some
terrifying, and still they overcame them! We can‘t help but be amazed by their strength and determination. They decided to cast aside their fears and get in front of the camera. They decided to fight back against adversity. To find their ways and stay happy! These women allowed themselves be vulnerable and rejoice in who they are. So, we asked them to share their stories. We want to celebrate these women. Our own personal Wonder Women. They inspire us to refuse to give in to our own difficulties in life. They inspire us to find hope even when we have none and to keep faith in ourselves even when we can’t find our way.
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INSPIRATIONS | Wonder Women
Andrea
Holland
R
ecently, my life changed in the most fantastic of ways. I lost 70 pounds, started a new career and began learning to fall in love with everything around me. Along the way I found my own voice; I learned to let go and laugh with constant wonder at all things. I’m still in that amazing space and now I’m helping others to find their own ways too. These photos capture my bliss. My inner voice, laughing out loud. I’ve always had a big mouth. I love words: talking, laughing, and sometimes putting my foot in my mouth. I’ve always been a gregarious and, sigh, loud girl.
Yeah, it’s great?! What was wrong with me? I felt as though everything I had been so sure of changed overnight into a looming series of questions. I became paralyzed. I questioned everything in my life, every outfit, relationship, decision. I couldn’t understand where my joy was. Over the next few months I spoke with seemingly everyone. Friends, family, God, even total strangers. I couldn’t understand what was missing. As far as I was concerned, this should have been one of the most wonderful things to ever happen to me. Everyone had different ideas. Take a vacation, try a new class, date, do yoga. Then, one day, it struck me. I had failed to have the most important conversation. I had asked everyone what they thought was missing but I had never asked myself. I hadn’t gotten good with me yet. Once I had that conversation, WOW, did life change. I finally made the decision, for myself, to take my life into my own hands. I made the choice to move past self-doubt; to
begin to understand that, whatever came, I would be alright. I sat back and for the first time asked myself what I needed. I decided to take my apathy head on. I decided not to give up. It took a lot of self-determination. There is nothing quite like challenging that self-fulfilled, ingrained perspective we have acquired of ourselves over the course of our lives. It is an awe-striking, tearful, hilarious, damn near transcendent process. When I could finally step back and see myself, I knew something had definitely shifted. Transformation does not happen in a singular instance. There is no bolt of lightning from above that strikes us into our new selves. Change occurs slowly. It is a series of moments. Several years ago, I was in Laguna Niguel, CA at a networking event. I had attended with only one goal in mind: to rub elbows with as many high powered execs as possible and get out with plenty of new contacts aligned. As I was talking with a group of businessmen, one of them abruptly stopped the conversation. He asked if we had ever seen a California sunset. I was mad, downright angry, at the interruption. But, what could I do?
“My favorite quote is from Eckhart Tolle. He tells us to “realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” I live by that. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I accept it. I try not to linger on what yesterday wrought but, instead, move forward with joy. And I am happy. I am the most joyful I have been in a long time.”
So I was completely struck with surprise a few years ago when I found myself lost for words after accepting the highest-paid and most prestigious job I had ever had. I couldn’t believe I was being offered an opportunity to travel the globe and interview with world leaders. This was the job I had been dreaming of. Even though it was terrifying, feeling completely uncertain of what to expect, I was ready for the adventure. I was confused, then, why all I could muster up when people congratulated me was, yeah, it’s great!
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INSPIRATIONS | Wonder Women As everyone moved to the windows, I followed. I stood there and saw my first California sunset. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I found, inside of its beauty, a moment of silence. I became still and mindful. I began to understand how, in that moment, there was nothing more important than the sunset. That each and every moment was life, my life, always moving forward, always happening, always surprising.
“I make sure to laugh everyday. Laughter is like air to me; I can’t breathe without it.” My journey, first and foremost, took place inside of me. It was about listening to myself and not to outside voices or influences. It was about challenging myself and not others; about removing preconceived labels and laughing at the absurdity of life. I found out that I could be happy with myself. Not the self I was, or could be; I learned to be happy with myself, just as I am. I learned to enjoy every moment of my journey through life as it was right then. I learned to be present. Last summer I decided to learn to play the violin. I was bored and felt like I needed to find a way to stay engaged. I spent weeks learning how to hold the bow, place my fingers correctly along the strings. I spent weeks studying, never allowed to actually draw the bow across the strings and play. Finally my instructor, Maria, told me, “Ok, now you’re ready. Go ahead and play.” The violin screeched as I pulled the bow across its strings. “Why are you so angry?” Maria asked me. I told her, “I’m not.”
Life is a little like playing the violin. Because the strings are curved, if you draw the bow too softly it just slides across the notes, playing nothing. If you draw the bow too roughly, it scratches across the notes, screaming horribly. Without focus you’ll miss the notes. You have to touch the bow to the strings; play with intention. My favorite quote is from Eckhart Tolle. He tells us to “realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” I live by that. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I accept it. I try not to linger on what yesterday wrought but, instead, move forward with joy. And I am happy. I am the most joyful I have been in a long time. Of course, I’m still scared a lot of the time but now, I keep moving forward anyway. Part of success is taking that first step toward faith. Faith that, even in the midst of our darkest moments, all will be well again; that our lives are designed for a higher purpose. All of us are meant for great things. I make sure to laugh every day. Laughter is like air to me; I can’t breathe without it. And, after I got good with me, I took some of that well meaning advice. I did try yoga, (and running and jumping and playing,) and I was not just happy but healthy. I lost all that weight nearly by accident, by just accepting myself, and I looked good. I tried dating and I found love with a handsome, inspiring, and kind man. But most importantly, I learned to love myself. I even found a new career. I began my own business as an Executive Communications Consultant. During my time traveling the world (my wonderful, exciting, inspiring time), I gathered 300 stories in 6 months. I tried to always be authentically myself and people responded. We shared our stories with each other. I realized that, in some ways, the transformation I went through was also my destination. I wanted to help other people, going through the same struggles I had, to reach their own destinations; to help them have better conversations by focusing on their relationship with themselves first and foremost. I’m doing something I love. My clients and I constantly grow and change and shift together. I teach people connection and communication. I teach people to see beyond themselves; to fall back into life and not be swept by in the current but to ride it. I know now that fear is a sign of life, of growth and excitement. I know that allowing myself to simply be who I am inspires others more than any ideal version I could try and force myself into. Getting good with myself has been quite a journey. It’s one that, I’ve learned, never ends and it is a journey that I couldn’t be happier to be taking. I can’t wait to keep running, dancing, and playing my way through.
Maria continued to work with me and eventually I found I could play. I really enjoyed playing.
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INSPIRATIONS | Wonder Women
Jody Hirsh 46
INSPIRATIONS | Wonder Women
“I’ve come to learn that breast cancer is not a singular experience, nor a simple one.” People say that I’m brave. They call me a superhero. Strong. Maybe, but I don’t see myself as terribly special or unique. I think that most others would act in the same way if faced with a similar situation to mine. We are much stronger than we realize when faced with adversity. I found that I had no choice but to be stronger when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve come to learn that breast cancer is not a singular experience, nor a simple one. How each woman deals with her breast cancer diagnosis, and subsequent treatment, is uniquely her own. There is, however, one thing I know will ring true to most women: BREAST CANCER SUCKS. Here is my story. At the end of last year I was diagnosed with Invasive Lobular Carcinoma in my right breast and then, less than 10 days later, I was also diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in my left.
So, okay, I had breast cancer. But, even though I had cancer in both breasts, I somehow knew I was going to be alright. I viewed my diagnosis as a minor bump in the road. I wasn’t depressed or angered. I felt good. I stayed centered, connected to all the wonderful things I still had in my life, with humor. And, even though I was facing life altering decisions, I still laughed. I decided to remain optimistic even when I found out I needed surgery and was scheduled to have a Bilateral Mastectomy in mid-January. Waiting for the surgery did fill me with one unexpected fear. I was terrified of the unknown. I spent a lot of time wondering how I would feel when I looked in the mirror after my surgery. Would I feel normal? Would I feel like me? And if I didn’t, how long would it take for me to feel that way again? What if I never could?! I realized that I wasn’t entirely happy with my body NOW. And if I wasn’t comfortable with my body BEFORE my surgery, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to accept it AFTER. I had to find a way to move towards acceptance. So I decided to get some pictures taken. I wanted to celebrate where I was right now. I found a local photographer and asked her to photograph me. The thought of posing in front of a stranger, especially naked, was a daunting prospect. I was terrified! I had never done anything like this before and I had no idea what to expect.
The experience stretched me in ways I had never felt before. It took me beyond my usual level of comfort. I found being photographed incredible. Tammy made me feel comfortable and accepted. My self-consciousness slowly melted away. Before the photo-shoot, it never occurred to me that being vulnerable wasn’t the same as being frail. I felt a shift. So, did I find a way to fall in love with my body? Yes. I found it in a place I had never thought to look. I found it INSIDE of myself. It wasn’t the photographs themselves that helped me find my own personal acceptance but rather the process of having them taken; working with someone to help me discover the beauty in my own body. We know how to appreciate beauty but rarely do we understand how to see it inside our own bodies. Realizing my own wasn’t about how I looked. It was about finding the strength inside to move beyond what I saw, or was worried about seeing, in the mirror. I found my own, unique, inner-self and learned to bring it to light. I found an inner strength - greater than anything I was about to face. My surgery was a success and when I looked back into the mirror for the first time the face looking back was still mine, the silhouette just a little svelter. I found my strength and I am moving forward with pride. My body is beautiful because it is MINE, and I am more than just a survivor, I am thriving.
“We know how to appreciate beauty but rarely do we understand how to see it inside our own bodies.”
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INSPIRATIONS
Danielle White
Don't let insecurity ruin the Leika Cornwall
beauty you were born with.
Jillian VanValkenburgh 50
Meet Pam Sherman
INSPIRATIONS | Wonder Women
The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it,and join the dance.
Pam Sherman, actor, attorney, professor and writer, was profiled in People Magazine about her career transition from attorney to actor. Today Sherman conducts programs and coaches business leaders in leadership, business development, and communications. Sherman
ALAN WATTS
is a keynote speaker about finding your EDGE™ in the best possible way, to: Explore, Dream, Grow, and Excite. She has consulted with Fortune 500 companies, law firms, advertising agencies, and is a highly-rated resource All my life has been a lesson in transformation and a
internationally for a variety of leadership groups, including
willingness to engage in transformation. From actor
the Young Presidents’ and World Presidents’ Organizations.
to lawyer to helping leaders present their stories with
She has also been an adjunct professor and guest lecturer
passion. From daughter to wife to mother. From career
at the Kellogg School of Business and American University,
to career to career. Landing on a career helping others
among others. Her column the Suburban Outlaw appears
embrace transformation in their personal and in their
weekly in Gannett’s Democrat & Chronicle and monthly in
business life.
Rochester Magazine. Her book The Suburban Outlaw: Tales from the EDGE is available at Barnes and Noble
Now at 50 I feel comfortable and confident and powerful
and Amazon.
and ready for the next change – whatever that may be. www.shermanedge.com and www.suburbanoutlaw.com On my 50th birthday – right after my daughter celebrated her transformation to womanhood – at least according the ancient Hebrew text through her bat mitzvah– we did a photo shoot together at Tammy’s studio. This wasn’t about change but embracing who we are in this moment at the present – capturing where we are in a moment as mother, daughter, women, and individuals. I learned and I’m grateful that my beauty within and my daughter’s burgeoning womanhood was captured with the help of a talented and confident woman – a moment in time for mother and daughter 13 and 50…standing tall and captured forever by Tammy Swales’ powerful lens.
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INSPIRATIONS | Wonder Women
Aisha O’Mally
I laid down to go to sleep and felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe. The strangeness in my chest felt like the worst cold I’d ever had but, in a thousand years, I could have never imagined it was anything more serious. Only a few years out of college, here I was with my first real job, my first apartment, my first car. I was only twenty-four. I was ready to wait it out, maybe take some antibiotics, but my mom put her foot down. She and my father packed me up and took me to the Emergency Room. We arrived at the hospital and realized immediately there was something seriously wrong. The nurses drew my blood and it clotted almost instantly in the tube. Definitely not something my blood should be doing. My chest x-ray revealed that my heart was enlarged. It was WAY too big for my age and stature and too weak to work properly. The doctors were surprised. They were basically like, “Wow, you should be dead.” Although this was not the most comforting thing I had heard that day, it never really occurred to me I could die. I was still unable to register the gravity of my situation as I entered the world of Idiopathic Cardio Myopathy (essentially, an unknown weakening of the heart). Because I was young, and otherwise healthy, the doctors thought medication would be able to fix me; to allow my heart to grow strong again and keep it beating in the meantime. Unfortunately for me, the medication didn’t work and getting a new heart is a tricky thing. It’s not like they grow on trees. I was evaluated to ensure I was healthy enough for a transplant. Then, my status was assigned. You basically need to have a status of a 1A in order to receive a heart. This status means you are unable to live outside of the hospital; that your heart needs constant care to continue pumping. In June I was assigned a status of a 2. I could still live on my own, work, try to have a normal life. By October my status was reassigned and the move to a 1A status almost finished me. After nine months of pills, hospital stays, being constantly sick, and waiting for a heart that might never come, I was told I couldn’t leave the hospital. I would have to stay there until I got a new heart. It was too much for me. Nothing I had been through was working what difference did staying in the hospital make? So I said NO. No more drugs, no more hospital, I just wanted to go home and live my life. I stopped taking my medication. I was refusing stay. My doctor came in and sat down. He looked at me and said, “Aisha, if we send you home, you’re going to die.” Reality finally crashed down. I’d understood all along that something was wrong. I knew I was very sick but I never believed I might die. I was only twenty-four and I was still invincible. At no point had I ever bothered to accept, or even try to comprehend, the fact that I may never make it to twenty-five. I remember looking at my mom and dad, watching fear and sadness roll across their faces, and realized I had to stay and fight. I had to live. It was the first time I began to understand what I was fighting for.
My life became a waiting game; a race between my body and a new heart. Someone had to die in time for me to live. Then, on February 9th, they found my heart. After over a year of waiting, and a few weeks past my 25th birthday, at 1:30 in the morning, the nurses came into my room. They told me, “We don’t want you to get excited, but we may have a match.” I felt half excitement, half gut-wrenching terror. When you get a new heart, you have one chance to get it right. You will either come out of surgery with a beating, healthy heart or you’ll die. I knew I might not make it. If something went wrong, if my body rejected the heart, I was done. I had to say goodbye to everyone and everything I loved. I had to accept the reality that these could be my very last moments alive; I might never open my eyes again. But I did; I woke up and when I opened my eyes my little hospital room never looked so good. The fact that I survived my transplant was only the beginning. Even though I was elated to go home, all I could think about was that outside the hospital there were no nurses, no doctors, no button to push. If I kicked the bucket, it was staying kicked. I had to learn to live again. I had to find my way back to just being twenty-five and alive. I had a new heart beating inside my chest but was still struggling to find myself. When I was sick I had felt alone and confused; sure that this type of thing should not be happening. Before my transplant I was blinded by my youth; my honest belief that I was invulnerable and safe from harm. Once I became sick I felt alone. I never understood that my reality was the same as so many others’.
“Before my transplant I was blinded by my youth; my honest belief that I was invulnerable and safe from harm. Once I became sick I felt alone. I never understood that my reality was the same as so many others’.” I tried to find my way back to ‘normal’ but, as much as I was still ME, my life could never go back to what it was before. On the most basic level my heart would now ALWAYS be number one. I realized my story was the key. I began to think, This is it. This is why I’ve been saved. Sharing my story was just the start. I went back to school and graduated with a Master’s of Science in Communication. I work with the American Heart Association to speak as much as I can, and as many places as I can, about the importance of organ donation.
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INSPIRATIONS | Wonder Women They found my heart and I lived but SO many others won’t. So many people are waiting, convinced they are alone. It took time but with every day that my heart continues to beat. I am filled with more joy, determination, and perseverance than I knew was possible. I’ve realized that I’m not JUST still me, I’m a stronger me. This didn’t happen to me because I was unhealthy. I was young and active and carefree. Even before my diagnosis I was showing classic signs of heart failure but, because of my age, even my doctors didn’t see it immediately, let alone myself. If there is one thing that I want every young woman to know it is this: Participate in your health! It’s true that without your health you have nothing. I haven’t just learned to appreciate my life, I’ve learned to appreciate HOW I live my life.
If there is one thing that I want every young woman to know it is this: Participate in your health! tI refuse to be fearful of the rest of my life. I learned that life can devastate you; that you can never be sure what it might bring. But, no matter what happens, you have to enjoy every second of it because you might not have that much time. I used to feel invincible; absolutely fearless. Now I know that isn’t reality. I still live fearlessly but now I understand it is ONLY a feeling. No one is invincible. We are all susceptible to what we can’t control. I am a survivor but that is not all I am. I don’t allow my survival to define me. I’m still the same, sensitive Aisha I was before my heart became someone else’s. It isn’t a negative thing to understand our mortality; it’s not a weakness. Now, I know how easy it can be to die and so I also know how INCREDIBLE it is to live.
“I STILL LIVE FEARLESSLY BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND IT IS ONLY A FEELING. NO ONE IS INVINCIBLE. WE ARE ALL SUSCEPTIBLE TO WHAT WE CAN’T CONTROL.” 56
INSPIRATIONS | Brené Brown
Sydney Smith
Here are a few of her thoughts:
LET GO OF WHO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE.
When we can allow ourselves to simply be who we are, we open ourselves up to greater possibility. We are all meant to be unique. Embrace yourself. Be proud of who you are. Let the world see all of you and be happy with yourself as you are now.
DON’T DWELL ON THE FUTURE, IT IS UNCERTAIN AND THAT IS OKAY.
Uncertainty is one of our greatest fears. We are conditioned in our culture to force those uncertainties into quantitative answers. We need to learn to embrace change; to allow our lives to just be. Life is everchanging; it ebbs and flows. Relax into its current and be grateful for all the wonderful things it has brought you to so far.
BE VULNERABLE.
Vulnerability is NOT weakness. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and accept our imperfections, we allow ourselves to be loved, seen, accepted, and fulfilled. Our entire existence is vulnerable; there is nothing permanent in life. If you don’t let yourself feel the bad things, you are unable to feel the good. We cannot selectively numb ourselves. When we shut out our vulnerability, we create a negative cycle. In protecting ourselves, in hardening against our vulnerability and fear, we also shut out the love, friendship, and connections we want most.
Women We Love
B
rené Brown is a research professor who has spent the past decade studying women. In conducting her research, she ultimately went to battle with, and defeated, her own Inner Mean Girl. When Brené speaks of that little voice in our heads, she defines it as shame. Through her research, trying to understand our fundamental need for connection, Brené found that when she asked women to speak about the love, belonging, and connections in their lives, instead of looking to positive relationships they told her the stories of their greatest losses, heartbreaks, and failures. What Brené began
to realize was that our shame, the voice in our heads telling us we are the problem; we are a mistake, grew from our own fear of disconnection. Our fear of all the little pieces of ourselves that will never be good enough. Brené delves into what drives our vulnerability and courage; our perceptions of worthiness and shame. She opened herself up to the world during her presentations at TEDx. In her talks Brené outlines, what we at Happy see as, techniques for tuning out your Inner Mean Girl and refocusing that little voice for good. We see her as an innovator; a woman, daring greatly, who defeated her own fear and is helping all of us to do the same.
LOVE YOURSELF, FIRST.
When you can let go of your shame, let yourself be fully vulnerable and believe in your own worthiness, you will allow others to do the same. What you are able to give to yourself is all that you are able to give to others. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Know that you are enough.
We see Brené as a life-changing influence. She encourages us to step into our strongest selves. To let go of our negative voices and find happiness by simply being us. Here are a few of our recommendations for good Brené reads.
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. Brené Brown. New York, NY: Gotham Books. 2012.
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Brené Brown. City Center, MN: Hazelden. 2010.
I Thought It was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame. Brené Brown. New York, NY: Gotham. 2007.
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough.” Brené Brown. New York, NY: Gotham. 2007.
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INSPIRATIONS | It’s Not About You
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU! “Photographs are not about you. I mean, technically, they can be – your wedding day or a portrait session – those are definitely about you. But the everyday photos? The holiday get-togethers, summer events, times when you are all grungy and just being yourself playing with your family? NOT about you! I want you to think about the very last time you “allowed” your photo to be taken. Were you happy? Were you tolerant? Did you make a face? Photographs are actually gifts we give to our children. I want you to think about the photos that you treasure, the images of your parents or people close to you, and I want you to answer this question: What will MY children have to look at when I am no longer around? Will there be photos of you hiding in the background or making faces? Will you even be in the photograph? I know you take photos to avoid being in them. And I’m calling you out on it.” -Tammy Swales
Gretchen Bye and daughters 60
INSPIRATIONS | It’s Not About You
Stefanie Billitier and daughter
Admit it, you NEVER put that camera down when it comes to your kids. We take thousands of photographs of our children, but we never seem to include the one thing our children will cherish most about. YOU! Don’t forget, your children will savor their every memory of you as they grow up. They won’t look back on their photographs with you and think, Ugh, she isn’t even wearing makeup. Your faults and failures are not what they will see in these pictures. Your children will always know you as the first, and greatest, love of their lives. (Even if they don’t realize it quite yet!) The first question you have to ask yourself is “Why?” Why aren’t you in those pictures? What happens when that dreaded request, Mom, get in the picture too, comes?
show the slightest weakness or the smallest moment of uncertainty. The thing is, our children are uncertain too. They’re just as afraid of being inadequate and vulnerable. Our daughters look to us as beacons in their youth. (Although they will STILL deny it until they are blue in the face!) They look to us for assurance that it is okay to be themselves; that all their parts should be celebrated and treasured.
“Don’t forget that the images you leave your children are their greatest inheritance.” Take tips from your children as they grow. When they are young, your children are at their most brave and bold and free. Show them that they don’t need to lose that as they grow. Show them that you still ARE. Teach them that their beauty lies in their strength and confidence.
You avoid it. You make excuses.
Laura Gross and daughters
“I’m a mess. I’ll be in it next time.” “Oh I can’t, I’m right in the middle of something.” “No one wants me to break the camera.” “No, you guys are perfect together. You don’t want me in there ruining it.”
Don’t forget that the images you leave your children are their greatest inheritance. One day, when your children’s children ask, “What was Grandma like?” they will pull out your old albums. They’ll look at those images and remember how your strength gave them strength; how you laughed and loved and grew with them.
We joke and we put ourselves down. We make light of our fears because we don’t want our children to know that we are still vulnerable creatures. Mothers are warriors. We carry the worries and struggles of our children with us, all the while believing we can never
So get into those pictures! Let the memories you share with your children have your smile in them too. Show them your stories, your love and courage. Photographs capture some of the most wonderful moments of our lives. For your children that includes you, too.
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INSPIRATIONS | It’s Not About You
Chelsea Fenton and daughter
Julie Fratangelo and her mom and daughters
“WE TAKE THOUSANDS OF PHOTOGRAPHS OF OUR CHILDREN. WE RARELY INCLUDE OURSELVES.” 64
INSPIRATIONS | It’s Not About You “Your family wants photos that tell them the story of you. Who you are. How much you love them. Things you do together, laughing, being comfortable and present. That’s what you leave for them. Photography is a gift you give to the people who love you. It’s not about you.
STOP HIDING. The next time you are at an event and snapping photos, hand the camera to someone else for a while. Make sure you are in some of them too.
Your children are not going to want a thousand photos of them playing. They are going to treasure the handful of images that show you together. Show your family how much you love them. Get in the photographs.
BE BRAVE.” -TAMMY SWALES Joan Lincoln and daughters 66
Why We Practice What We Preach
PRACTICE WHAT WE PREACH | Family Photographs
It is easy to give advice. But taking it? That’s never simple. We’re all guilty of handing out our own opinions. Most of them begin with “Well if it was me . . .” We all know what we should do but actually following through seems like way too much of a risk. We strive, much too often, to simply feel safe. At Happy, we began to realize that if we wanted to be able to inspire our readers, we needed to show them how beneficial taking their own advice can be; that the risk is always worth the reward. So we decided to step up and take our own advice. Instead of just telling you to take pictures with your children; to capture the moments of your life; to fight against your fear of perceived inadequacies, we decided to DO it. We photographed Happy’s Ali Dean and Ilana Zatkowsky and her sister, Danielle, with their mothers and family. Now, after the session, they share what it was like to have this experience; to be able to finally say, first hand, “You should REALLY take this advice!”
Ali Dean and mom
Ilana Zatkowsky and mom
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PRACTICE WHAT WE PREACH | Family Photographs
Q
What is your favorite picture from the session? A
Q
Ali: [The one of my head in her lap], you can’t even see my mom’s face at all but it shows the feeling and emotion that was in that moment. It says more than her just smiling into the camera.
What was the best part of having the photographs taken? What was your favorite moment? A
Ilana: Mine is of my whole family, an entire series of playful photographs. They show what we’re like together. They capture our lives and love for each other.
Ilana: Just having that time with my parents and sister. Knowing that I have those memories forever.
was it like to be Q What photographed with your mom? Q A
Ali: It was awesome to just watch my mom be at ease. She didn’t have to worry about a single thing; it was like a mini vacation for her. She still talks about it.
Ali: I asked Tam if I could do pictures of my mom and I for her birthday. My mom had her makeup done first, before me, and it was just awesome to see her being catered to for once; to see her feeling really good about herself.
What were you most nervous about, going into the session? Was your mom worried at all? A
Ilana: My mom had breast cancer twice. She had a mastectomy and is very self-conscious, but is still the most beautiful person. [The session] was a surprise for my parents’ anniversary but was an awesome experience for all of us. For the first time my mom was in front of a camera and feeling really proud and confident. My sister and I have never ever seen her like that. It was incredible for us to see her finally getting the confidence that she needed.
Ali: Definitely the camera staring right at my face and not looking at anything else. If I’m goofy I feel fine, but the second I can‘t use that it’s very hard for me to relax. I knew that I actually had to take it seriously but it’s hard for me to be vulnerable like that. My mom too. Ilana: I was trying to focus on my mom. [Danielle and] I tried to get her dressed but my mom kept saying, “I just couldn’t wear that.” She’s so self conscious about her body, and doesn’t know how beautiful she is. I know that my sister and I were also scared about what we were going to wear; that we wouldn’t be able to feel the way we wanted about ourselves.
Q
Did the experience make you feel closer to your mom? Are you glad you did this? A
Ali: Definitely. It was almost like an out of body experience. Seeing [my mom] come out of her shell and laugh so hard with Tammy. My mom and I truly are carbon copies of each other, even the way that we react about different things, and it was nice to have this time where we really just focused on the two of us. Ilana: Yes. For me, I can go back and look at [the photographs] and remember the emotion. I can always remember how much my family loves me. I especially love the photo of just my dad and my mom together, you can see how much they love each other. It makes me so happy to see that one.
Q
Did the session make you see your mom in a different way? Did it help you to see yourself differently?
A
Ali: When my mom looks back at the pictures I can see her smile to herself and know that she is realizing she is still beautiful. There was one picture, it was just of me and not my mom, and my hair was blowing like crazy and I thought, “Oh, I don’t have to look like this lanky, awkward skeleton.” My body has zero curves and it’s the one thing I’m super self-conscious about but when I look at a picture like that I realize how my perspective of myself isn’t really me. I can begin to see myself as beautiful. Ilana: [The photograph of my parents] is a moment to themselves, an intimate moment Danielle and I don’t normally get to see. So that was very special being able to really see their love for each other. Being photographed gave me the confidence to feel good about my curves. It was great to feel really pampered and beautiful.
Q
What is the one, most important, piece of advice you would give someone getting photographed? Whether it’s with their family or alone?
A
Ali: Don’t wait. Just do it, for any reason. I think it’s so important to be photographed. I felt so much better about myself after the photo shoot with my mom. The more times you actually get in front of a camera, [the more it] will boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. But also just the memories. Take pictures of everybody all the time. Ilana: It’s important to take the time to be photographed. Just appreciating the moment and then being able to look back on it. Being able to have the pictures is priceless.
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Strong Girls UP & COMING | Strong Girls
It is HARD to be a strong girl. Fighting against actual Mean Girls; already learning to change for others; falling out of love with the little girl staring back from the mirror. The frizzy hair, square glasses, and cruel words of childhood stick with us. What if we could have learned from grade school that those square glasses and frizzy hair WERE beautiful? Think of the years we have spent trying to be anything but that little girl only to find she was the loveliest part of ourselves all along. Imagine if we had known that we were strong enough to be, and believe in, ourselves.
Sydney Smith
BrenÊ Brown (who we gushed about on page 57) writes in her Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto, a thoughtful promise to her own children of how she will try and raise them. Her words create touchstones for us as parents to help our girls to grow up strong, and, finally offer comfort to the awkward, little girl still hiding inside of us. We want every girl to be her own super hero sometimes. To learn that being herself is the best thing; we want every girl to be able to embrace her own strength and beauty. To learn that standing up against her fears and insecurities is hard but that it’s not only possible, it is wonderful! 72
UP & COMING | Strong Girls
Brené overcomes her own fear of vulnerability and inadequacy in order to help her children to overcome theirs. We know that, even as adults, it can be almost impossible to fight against those feelings but trust us, it’s worth it. Here are some of Brené’s thoughts on why she thinks (and we do too!) that it is the BEST thing you can do for your girls! Never hide who you are.
You don’t have to pretend to be a perfect person! Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable around your children and embrace your imperfections. Once your children see that you love yourself, no matter your insecurities, they will begin to love themselves as well. By embracing ourselves as we are, we teach our daughters to do the same. We teach them to love and accept themselves; to fight back against the feelings of inadequacy they face daily.
Make your love constantly clear.
Actions always speak louder than words. Try to always greet your children with a smile! If the first thing your child sees from you is a frown or the first thing they hear a correction or criticism, they will immediately feel ashamed and inadequate. These feelings continue to work against the love that you still show them, even moments later! We want our children to know we will always love and accept them, no matter who they are; that they truly always have our permission to be simply themselves.
Share your stories.
We all know that sharing the triumphant and joyful moments of our lives with our children inspires them to create the same types of moments in theirs. But it is just as important to share our struggles! Tell your children about the mistakes you make and the difficulties you face. With these stories you teach them to be constantly honest and open about their own experiences, whether good or bad, and help them to take responsibility for themselves.
Don’t trivialize any experience.
As parents we never want our children to suffer pain so we offer immediate comfort, we try to instantly remove their struggle with an, “It’ll be okay, Honey. It’s not that bad.” What we don’t realize is that we are actually trivializing their suffering. Despite our best intentions, we are actually telling them their pain is no big deal; that their feelings aren’t legitimate. The best way to make them feel better and still allow them to experience the weight of their feelings? Teach them it’s ok to be upset. Work through their hurt with them. Don’t just make it disappear!
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UP & COMING | Good Reads
Blynn Nelson and daughter
Good Reads for Girls It’s hard to tell girls how to be strong. At Happy we believe the best thing that you can do is show them. We love that the characters in these books show girls how to be strong, happy, and free from self-doubt. We think it never hurts to have a little help.
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UP & COMING | What We Love
WHAT WE LOVE 1
VINTAGE CAMERAS Who doesn’t love the ease with which we can snap a quick pic in this day and age? We certainly do! But every once in awhile we love to pause and look back to photography’s (and our) roots!
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NINJA BREAD MEN Who says cooking needs to be girly? We love turning our sugar cookies into colorful ninja warriors. Bake. Frost. Battle.
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3 BUDDHA NECKLACE We love our laughing Buddha. He brings contentment, love, and abundance. Plus, it’s nice to have someone around who is always smiling!
INSTAGRAM Pictures are worth a thousand words! Turn your snapshots into works of art you can share with the world. Follow our daily adventures at @teamswales.
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8 DOWNTON ABBEY This show on WXXI is the perfect mix of old world beauty and modern strong characters. We think it’s the best way to spend an evening in with friends and family.
PAPER MATE FLAIR PENS With so many different colors, what is not to love about these vibrant felt-tipped pens? We love to express exactly what we’re feeling with a color for every mood.
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ELEPHANTS These majestic creatures appear as the memory keepers of the animal kingdom. In Buddhist teaching, elephants are worshiped as symbols of strength and consistency. They are incredibly loyal and intelligent. Forget a pony, we want an elephant for our birthday!
5 WACOM TABLET Work is like play when you get to use a toy. This tablet is light and portable, keeping you connected to your world. We love to work and play on this handy little device.
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MOPHIE BATTERY CASE Not only does this case protect your phone with stylish fun colors, it prolongs the life of your battery. We love knowing that our phone is not only protected but will be able to last for days!
10 MACAROONS Light and delicious snacks, we think macaroons are the best way to feed your sweet tooth. We love that, when made with almond flour, they are typically gluten free! M BY STAPLES ARC NOTEBOOK SYSTEM We love these spiral notebooks for their bright covers and pages that snap in and out. They’re perfect for notes on the go and keeping your thoughts organized. With a variety of inserts you can create a completely customized system.
11 HURRAW LIP GLOSS With an amazing scent and a variety of tasty flavors, this little lip balm keeps your lips soft while still jazzing them up with a hint of glossy color.
STARBURSTS We love these sweet chewy snacks that are perfect for sharing. Our favorite flavor is red cherry!
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14 SEBASTIAN This handmade plush toy comes from etsy.com. We love this unique, online, community marketplace. Whether you are selling or buying, Etsy offers a place for every style.
DIET COKE Bubbly, refreshing, and zero calories. We love popping open an ice cold Diet Coke any time of day.
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HAPPY | Guest Contributor
escaped just before the war broke out. She, along with her two-year-old son, left in 1913 and arrived in America just nine months before the “Great War” began.
MY SEARCH FOR ANNA...
I remember my grandmother telling me, “My mother snuck my brother out in a picnic basket. She put straw and hay in the bottom and covered him with a sack so he would stay warm. She knew that if the army caught her, they’d kill her. She hoped that, if she was caught, she would be able to hide him and they wouldn’t know he was there. She hoped that maybe someone else trying to escape would come across him; that they would keep him as their own or at least get him somewhere for safe keeping.” My grandmother’s piercing blue eyes always started watering when she shared this story and the bliss of my childhood ignorance caused me to think it was only because she missed her mother. I was too young to understand what my grandmother was telling me but still, I was infatuated with my great-grandmother. But it wasn’t because I had never met her or because of these
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The life of Anna Mlynarczyk Malencowitcz, the woman who my grandmother referred to as “my mother, may she rest in peace,” has been reduced to hand-me-down stories and scanned copies of documents, like her response to a census from 1940, made available on the Internet. None of my relatives remember which, if any, of their possessions once belonged to her and, truthfully, most of her things have probably disintegrated. She died nearly 35 years ago and who knows how old most of her belongings were to begin with. My great grandmother’s story has intrigued me since the first time I heard it. She was born in a place called Szymanow, a small town in a country that she and her family called Poland but the rest of the world considered part of Russia. Although she said she was Polish, and my family still says they are Polish, there was actually no such thing as Poland when she was born in 1885. There hadn’t been for more than 90 years. To make a very long history lesson short: Prussia, Russia, and Austria divided Poland into three parts to settle a dispute over who would own this smaller, weaker neighbor. From 1795 until the end of World War I in 1918, Poland existed only in the hearts and minds of those who once lived there and their descendants. It had been eradicated from the map. The Polish language was outlawed, the national symbols and monuments destroyed. Conditions in what was once Poland were treacherous. The Polish were extremely impoverished and many of them, including my great grandmother,
Perhaps it goes without saying, but Grandma Malin did make it out of Russia and set sail for the United States through Holland. She rendezvoused with her husband in Buffalo, NY and about a year, and the birth of my great-aunt later, the whole family moved to New Jersey. My family tells me that, once she arrived in the United States, Grandma Malin lived happilyever-after. Over the years, I have spent a lot of time trying to find a photograph of Grandma Malin. Family members searched through their attics and basements for me to no avail. Various ancestry sites provided me digital copies of her death certificate, census forms, citizenship application, and a manifest of the Potsdam, the ship she emigrated on, but no picture of her.
about my great-grandmother, who we all refer to as “Grandma Malin.” Although everyone adored her, nobody in my family knew as much about her story as my grandmother, her daughter, did. I regret that I never bothered to ask her to share it with me again once I became an adult. Now, it’s too late.
stories, it was because, at five years old, I couldn’t believe someone as old as my grandmother once had a “mommy” too. Although the particulars of most conversations have faded, I vividly remember her telling me about the permanent reminders her mother wore on the palms of her hands and soles of her feet. Scars she had acquired, I was told, from climbing walls, fences, and barbed wire while trying to cross the Russian border. The Russians might not have liked the Polish but they were sure-asHell intent on keeping them from leaving. I like to think I’ve turned into somewhat of an amateur genealogist and have taken to constructing my full family tree. Over the years I’ve spoken to many family members
My Grandma Malin story has a happy ending too. Finally, a small leaf appeared next to her name on the family tree I was building. The software had identified someone else who had her, and a number of my other relatives, on his family tree. The leaf told me we might be related and suggested I request access to “Frank’s Family Tree.” Frank approved me almost immediately. I clicked the link and, for the first time in my life, was able to see the face of my superhero in not just one, but three different photographs. Her face was strikingly similar to her daughter’s, my grandmother. And, if that didn’t cast aside any
I became slightly obsessed with my great-grandmother and, I think, deservingly so. Since the first time I heard the story of my Grandma Malin, I thought she was sort of a superhero. Now, as an adult reflecting back on the faded memories of my Grandmother’s stories, I think so even more. I have always wanted to see her face. My grandmother didn’t have any photographs of her mother, all of her photo albums were stolen when someone broke into her home while she was on vacation, and it pains me to think she lived for 25 years after that without ever seeing her mother’s face again. Grandma Malin was exactly my age when she stuffed my great uncle into a picnic basket and smuggled him across the border. She was my age when the sharp edges of barbed wire pierced the flesh of her hands and feet as she escaped the closest thing to Hell she would ever know. She was willing to let someone stumble across her orphaned son, somewhere in the Russian landscape. She was willing to die to get him out of there. She must have been terrified. Not scared. Not afraid. Terrified.
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HAPPY | Guest Contributor doubt that this woman was related to me, she was holding up a bottle of liquor in the first photograph. The woman I was looking at was, indeed, my great great-grandmother, to whom, through her struggles, perseverance, and courage, I owe my very existence. - Peter Bekisz March 15, 2013
Pete Bekisz spends most of his time in front of things... mostly computers and steering wheels. When he’s not busy playing amateur genealogist, he spends his time writing, working on marketing projects, and listening to the blues. He enjoys pie.
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THINGS I KNOW | Tammy Swales
THINGS I KNOW There are not a lot of certainties in life and there DEFINITELY aren’t many things I can say I’m certain about; that I know for sure! But, after the crazy process of putting together this issue of Happy, I realized there is at least one thing I know. I KNOW how important it is to capture the moments you have with your children because you can never be sure which one might be the last.
although we didn’t know it yet, would be the last photograph of Matt and his dad together. Shortly after that day, Matt’s father passed away. He suffered a heart attack and, just like that, he was gone. In one entirely unexpected instant that casual click of my camera became one of the most precious memories of Matt’s life. A priceless moment that can never be duplicated.
My son has wanted to become a fire fighter since he was two years old. From the time he was a teenager right through his High School graduation, Matt has stuck to this dream. Recently, he graduated from college with his Paramedic Certification and I could not be more proud of him!
Every single day we spend on this earth is a delicate, fleeting moment. And, when we’re gone, what will be left for those who loved us? I have only one image of my grandmother and me. I’m a teenager and, in true form, I’m making a pair of bunny ears behind her head. To this day I wish I’d overcome whatever fear stopped me from allowing my emotions to show. I wish I’d just hugged her, a simple enough expression of all the love I felt.
About a year and a half ago, while he was still at school, Matt took part in a Family Day demonstration and, of course, both my camera and I were in attendance. Matt was SO excited and he wanted me to
get plenty of shots of him ‘doing his thing.’ The whole day I snapped away enthusiastically with no thought of family photographs. After all, this day wasn’t about US it was about Matt! Then, I caught Matt and his dad out of the corner of my eye just standing against the wall laughing together. I don’t know what possessed me, family photos weren’t on the agenda that day, but I swung my camera towards them and said, “Hey! Let me get a photo.”
Take every opportunity to get into your photographs. Don’t hide behind a goofy expression or slink halfway out of the frame. Don’t worry about how you will look or what you’re doing. Photography is a gift. It’s a legacy; a truthful expression of the love and life you leave behind. Please, don’t let these moments pass you by; don’t just shrug them off! I promise that later, when you look back at the pictures, you won’t regret a single one. THIS, I know.
I took one snap, only ONE frame, of Matt and his dad. His father’s arm was casually draped around Matt’s shoulders; his face lit up with such incredible pride in his son. Just this single image that,
-Tammy Swales
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DESIGN | Make it your own
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