PrEP and testing

Stigma is often quoted according to Goffman’s definition as an “attribute that is deeply discrediting” and that reduces the bearer “from a whole and usual person to a tainted, discounted one.” A person marked by stigma struggles with foreclosure, diminished self-esteem, discrimination, and isolation.

Many intersex people suffer from internalised stigma. Literally from the moment they are born they are pathologized, told they are broken and need to be fixed, told not to tell anyone about their “broken-ness” and are hidden from society under a shroud of mystery and unknownness. In the vast gap on the biological sex spectrum between totally male and totally female, only 1.7% of the population exist with a wide range of differing variations. It’s isolating, I’ve noticed doctors and specialists take great joy in finding unknown variants in variants and advising that you are the only one so far to have this one.

Oh yay! No peers, no support, no idea how to move forward.

Self-esteem is, in my view, something that comes from internal evaluation of oneself and how one sees themselves as a whole. This may eb and flow with your interactions with worldly occurrences.

In order to ask someone for their time, you must have a decent amount of self-esteem. Think of a bucket; if its full, your self-esteem is high, and many things fill your bucket including selfcare and positive interactions.

In order to ask a loved one for intimacy, you must have a positive body image, good selfesteem, and an idea on how this intimate act could be performed (apparently a helpful suggestion). Many intersex people but not all, find this a hard ask. Many are able to ask that special person to share time. And then become emmeshed in each other’s lives. But taking that big step, that final step in one of many peoples’ culturally gifted life goals – it maybe that little bit too high a step, and they find their legs suddenly shorter and less able.

This can lead to grief and partner loss. The bucket emptying without hope of that ideal, stuck in their heads of cultural expectations and norms.

What are our cultural norms and expectations? Are these the ones from cis-gendered heteronormative patriarchal western values that partners must engage in penetrative sex culminating in child creation? Apparently, this makes the relationship valid and successful (like ripping off that band aid in one foul swoop).

Or are our cultural norms and expectations moving away from these outdated and realitynarrowing concepts to more widely realistic ones. Perhaps embracing outercourse, or finding what does it for you, what brings you intimately closer together creating those bonds of partnership.

So, you’ve swiped right, (ha, right!) right? You’ve danced that unknown, yet ritualised, movement of potential mate-dom.

Breathe, yep, breathe. Take that time to slow down, get your head straight. Have a few dates, spend that time. Enjoy their uniqueness (everyone is unique). Then sit them down, look them in the eye, tell them how much you care and let them in their own time move forward.

You might get a

… hey I have a genetic variation and it looks like this…. Wanna have some fun?

...or not...

You have the knowledge to hold that safe space. We are all human (I think), we are all different, we all need to be valued for who we are.