2 minute read
Partner violence
YOU NEVER THOUGHT IT’D HAPPEN TO YOU, AND IT’S A BIT TRICKY TO WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND. YOU FIND YOUR PARTNER ACTING UNUSUALLY TOWARDS YOU. YOU DON’T KNOW WHY. THEY LOVE YOU, RIGHT? WHY ARE THEY STONEWALLING YOU.
Checking up on you all the time. Making subtle - or not so subtle - threats. Giving orders or making all the decisions. It’s confusing. But it must be ok, because you love each other, and you’ve worked hard to get where you are. So best to just let it be. LGBTIQ folks experience intimate partner violence at similar rates to those who identify as heterosexual. It’s just that we don’t talk about it as much.
Some experiences of intimate partner violence in LGBTIQ relationships include: • threatening to ‘out’ you to others • telling you that no one will help because the police and the justice system are homophobic • saying you ‘deserve it’ because you identify as LGBTIQ • saying their behaviour is not domestic violence, but an expression of masculinity • pushing your boundaries in the bedroom or with other partners • trying to convince you that the behaviours are mutual or consensual acts
If you need help, keep these things in mind: • you are not alone and you can get help • your partner can get help too • you don’t have to leave or break up unless you want to (often folks just want the behaviour to stop) • share what’s happening with a trusted person, friend or professional, and get their perspective • expand your support network – it’s critical to stay connected to others • you deserve to be treated with respect and equality • find ways to reconnect to yourself, work on your own self-esteem and keep engaged in activities you enjoy as much as possible • try writing your thoughts or feelings down or expressing them in some way especially if talking directly to your partner isn’t safe or possible - sometimes the act of getting it all out can help you see things more clearly and to feel lighter e.g. writing a letter, doing some art or movement, or perhaps a vogue dance workshop
As part of the queer community, it’s important we support each other and stand up against intimate partner violence in our relationships.
If this is happening to someone you know, then you should acknowledge your role as a bystander and the difference you can make. Listen without judgement. Validate their concerns. Show empathy. Ask what they need. Believe them and walk alongside them.
