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or the men’s issue, I wanted to explore the masculine topics of power, dominance, control, and competition in romance. Namely, how important is it to have the upper hand in a relationship? And how does fighting for control serve us in achieving our goals in love?

All relationships are a balancing act: give and take, feminine and masculine, yin and yang. In a perfect world, should a couple strive for equal footing in a romantic relationship? Maybe an imbalance of power is what makes love so captivating and exhilarating in the first place, the game of cat and mouse, the uncertainty and excitement.* ego in an instant. I would guess that it’s actually more about our own desire and insecurity. We all want what we can’t have. a chip on our shoulder and the walls around our hearts are a little higher. Maybe it’s impossible for us to resist the games, because despite being a species wired for companionship, our old traumas and the fear of getting hurt are also deeply ingrained in our psyche.

In most partnerships, the balance shifts over time as the relationship progresses through various stages like courtship, sex, commitment, marriage, and parenting. Power transfers easily with changing circumstances.

It’s possible that, as humans, we are programmed to chase after people who are so biologically desirable that they have countless options for mates, making them statistically more likely to reject us. I hate arguments about our biological impulses because they don’t make any sense in the context of our world today, where we are seeking more than offspring. You won’t find me chasing after some macho guy with a bunch of baby mamas.

I refuse to believe that everyone in the dating pool is indifferent. If that were the case, you wouldn’t be reading this!

For example, imagine two attractive, successful people in their mid-thirties, both equally great catches. Both have been unsuccessful in love, but they both deeply desire marriage and children. However, Partner A has a lingering case of Peter Pan syndrome,

I’ve heard it said that the power in a relationship resides with the person who cares less. But why on Earth would apathy register as sexy to us? People who are truly uninterested are not doing it for power, they -- by definition -- care very little about what the other person thinks. But they have the ability to completely crush another person’s

This leads me to believe that we’re all out there faking it and trying to play it cool, at least in part. We follow prescribed “rules” about how long to wait before texting, how many dates before sex, how to achieve the right balance of showing enough interest but not too much interest. We are unwilling to show our hand because there’s a fine line between showing too much and showing too little.

When we’re young, dumb, and don’t know any better, games are common. We’re still figuring out what we want and what we can get away with. But as we get older and live with the heartbreak from past experiences, maybe there’s more to it than that. We carry which prevents them from fully committing. Whenever they develop feelings for someone (or when someone tries to tie them down), they engage in the relationship but start feeling suffocated as emotional intimacy deepens. This triggers their instinct to push the other person away. There could be many reasons for this behavior, but it’s common enough that most people reading this will recognize this tendency as one of their own or something they’ve experienced in dating.

Now consider this situation from the other person’s point of view. Partner A pursued them and demonstrated interest through their actions, making Partner B feel desired and acknowledged. This validation is like a drug. They go on several dates, enjoy each other’s company, and may even become intimate. Then, suddenly, Partner A shuts down and begins to retreat. Naturally, Partner B takes it personally, especially since nothing significant happened to trigger such a drastic change. The more Partner A pulls away, the more Partner B feels compelled to chase them.

The thing is, they’re both afraid of the same thing: that they aren’t good enough.

Partner A is too scared to let someone get close for fear of rejection, which they may disguise as not wanting to be tied down. Partner A’s rejection confirms Partner B’s greatest fears about being unlovable. Because Partner A is the one to withdraw, they appear to be the one with the power. But how powerful is someone who is too scared to pursue what they truly want in life? If Person A can keep sleeping around forever, never revealing their heart to anyone, maybe that feels safer and creates a false sense of control. They may even convince themselves that if they just find the right person, they can keep things surface level forever and never have to take responsibility for anyone else’s emotions, much less their own.

According to attachment theory, these two types of people are drawn to one another like moths to a flame. Though both people want to find love, they have different defense mechanisms stemming from their upbringing or past relationships. Maybe it’s as simple as that – some people play defense with their hearts while others play offense.

In our society, we equate emotional detachment with power. But if you’re all alone and craving genuine human connection, no number of one-night stands will fill that void inside of you. Please don’t mistake this for judgment – I would never judge someone for their chosen lifestyle as long as it’s what they really want and they are transparent with their partners. I just believe it’s a pattern that emerges as a response to pain, and breaking free from it can be challenging. When we try to avoid pain, we often perpetuate it for ourselves and hurt others in the process.

Power is a delicate dance, and no two individuals will ever wield it equally. We all have our own strengths, desires, and contributions to bring to a relationship. I have a feeling that the closer two people can come to balancing that power, the more successful and secure their relationship will be. Balanced power stems from both partners being equally vulnerable and putting in equal effort. It’s built on mutual trust.

For those of us who are single, there is much to gain by breaking old patterns and taking the biggest gamble of all – letting our guard down and allowing our authentic selves to be seen. If you’ve ever been in love, you understand why they call it “falling.” Control is an illusion, especially in love. It’s a game that cannot be mastered until you surrender.

*Just a quick note that extreme power imbalances such as relationships involving emotional or physical abuse, substance abuse, or coercion are not part of this discussion. If you or someone you know is involved in a dangerous or abusive relationship, please seek support through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.