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Eickhoff sails from Sylva to maximum security cell By Davey Bones Deep Sea Slut
The infamous ghost captain, who terrorized late-night hikers near Lake Sylva aboard his ghoulish 18th century frigate, has finally been unmasked thanks to some plucky teens and their animal sidekick with a speech impediment. Harold Eickhoff was taken into police custody on Saturday, March 25, after a group of resourceful Brewster Hall residents joined forces with Roscoe the Lion to subdue the former College president in a daring sting operation. The group, led by freshman criminal justice major Phred Jones, revealed Eickhoff’s true identity and turned him over to police at 3:15 a.m. that morning. Since late last January, Eickhoff had been playing the role of Captain Sylva, a ghostly marauder that patrols the coast of the nearby lake of the same name. The lakeside phantom would fire canister shots at passersby in the early hours of the morning, as he shouted cryptic warnings like “Get away from my new sports fields” and “Fuck Phi AD.” “I thought the cannon fire was just construction the entire
Photo courtesy of Sue Dubai Warner
Eickhoff denounces ASS wholly.
first month,” said Neil “Baggy” Thrasher, a freshman psychology major. “I wasn’t too familiar with the firing sound of 18th century ballistics, but after hearing dozens of similar accounts of the ghost from floormates, I began to think something was up.” After a month of daily incident reports, Campus Police sent out an email telling students not to let any suspicious 18th century deep-sea
vessels “tailgate” them into buildings, and late-night pot smokers were told to proceed near Lake Sylva with caution. “After we saw the email, myself and a few of my floormates decided it was time to take matters into our own hands,” Jones told The Singal. From the safety of the Allen Lounge, Roscoe, Hoff and Thrasher joined freshman chemistry major
Daphne Fake and freshman criminal justice major Velveeta Slicely to form the Anti-Spectre Squad, an organization dedicated to solving the mystery of Captain Sylva. “We spent a while gathering all the clues together,” Fake told The Singal. “ASS’s first real breakthrough came when I was patrolling the south side of the lake with my friend, Jesse Fratapolous, who’s a member of Phi AD.”
When the spirit caught sight of Fratapolous letters, it immediately unleashed a furious screech and began to bombard the students with an intense barrage of cannon fire for far longer than usual, according to Day. The team used this information to its advantage the following night by dressing Roscoe and Thrasher in Phi AD letters to capture the ghost’s attention. The rest of the gang snuck on board in canoes and cornered the infamous pirate, unmasking Eickhoff and bringing him to justice. “And to think, I cleared out that damn island just to get caught by some meddling kids,” Eickhoff said. Lake Sylva has returned to its placid state, but the College has not undone its emergency security measure of limiting residents to swipe access for a random building each day during a fourminute window from 5:01 a.m. to 5:05 a.m. Police were happy to finally get this months-long mystery solved. “First the intruder, and now this! Those kids should go fulltime with this mystery-solving thing,” Chief of Police Peter Fitzinwell said.
Loser Hall renamed Zander zings in CUB Comedy Show By Paula Winner Mediocre Sentence Former
Paul Loser Hall will be renamed Loser Hall — pronounced how it is spelled — in an effort to better represent the College to prospective students. “We need to show everyone what we’re truly made of, so let’s make their experience at the College as awkward as possible,” College President R. Barbie said. Controversy over the name began when students discovered the questionable past of the building’s namesake, Paul Loser. Petitions suggesting names such as Harambe Hall and John Cena Hall were circulated. President Barbie has agreed to compromise with fans of “John Cena Hall,” saying “you can cash me outside changing the sign on Forcina Hall to ForJohnCena Hall, how ‘bout dat?” Marketing strategies for future tours will include Roscoe the Lion dancing outside of Loser Hall to a continuous loop of the cast of Glee’s rendition of the song “Loser.” Current students are happy to no longer have to put in the extra effort to insist to their friends and family that “it’s actually pronounced ‘low-zure.’” “I just want to say the word ‘loser’ if I’m reading the word ‘loser,’” said Rocky Stone, a sophomore geology major. However, some students are not as excited to see Loser Hall’s name change. “I’m a little upset about the change. I thought Paul was a decent fellow,” said Jim Crow, a senior education major. Debate on the spelling of Loser Hall was literally squashed when a prototype of a “LOOZUR HOLL” sign was destroyed by a bulldozer during campus construction. Remnants of the sign were thrown over the bridge into Lake Sylva while Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” played in the background.
By Lou Sirr Critic
Earlier this month, the president of Save us From Bankruptcy and accounting major, Penny Saralwegot, announced that there’s little money left to spend on activities for students. During a formal meeting on March 1, Saralwegot realized that even after dipping into reserve funds, there wasn’t enough money to hire a comedian for Cruelly Uninspired Bookings’s Spring Comedy Show. “We were literally fucked,” Saralwegot told The Singal. “We are so broke, man.” Following the announcement, it seemed as though the show would not go on. With no money to pay an acclaimed comedian for the annual show, CUB was left to beg junior journalism and communication double major Benjamin Zander to perform. Mike Pence, vice president of CUB and a senior women’s, gender and sexuality studies major, proposed the idea of having a student performer. “Almost immediately, I thought, ‘Zander’” he said. “He is perfect!” Luckily, Zander came to the rescue. “We are pumped that Ben agreed to do the show,” Saralwegot said. “After, we bought him and his friends an extra large pizza and did his laundry for a week, we totally convinced him.”
Zander’s comedy sizzles, stings and bedazzles.
While initially students were annoyed with SFB’s lack of funds, Zander’s performance, which took place on Thursday, March 23, in Kendall Hall, proved detractors wrong. “At first, I was super pissed at SFB, but I think they really killed it with the idea to get Ben on board,” said Ayma Morón, a sophomore humor studies major. Freshman business major Phoebe Minded agreed. “Ben slayed,” she said. “It sucks that SFB ran out of money, but at least they came up with a solid backup option.” As Zander walked onto the stage wearing a helicopter hat and a red, leather jacket, students were blown away by his signature blend of word play, slam poetry
Len Stabler / Staph infection
and Jewish charm. Zander kicked off his performance with a comedic poem about his trip to Israel, followed by a joke about SFB’s lack of funds. “SFB ran out of money, but I say, who cares?” Zander told the crowd as they began to chant his name. “I am doing this show for free because I love you guys,” Zander, a member of Lions Teletubbies, also unveiled a never-before-heard joke that had his LTV colleagues in stitches. “As you may know, I’m very involved in LTV,” he said. “My only issue is that we never seem to cater to our Spanish-speaking audience. Imagine if we had a translated simulcast. We could call it ‘El TV!’” see SOMEONE about that ACNE
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