The Daily SINGAL
The Jersey shore’s finest news source
Look smart while you read, you incompetent fuck!
dailyfuck.org
Fist pumping since 1492
Today
Eickhoff burned to ground Message to class of 2013: Get out now! By Holden Caulfield Last True American Everything, FUCKERS
Courtesy of you. Thanks.
By Felix the Cat on Acid Last True American Cat on Acid It was just one piece of raw chicken that sent sophomore philosophy major Frank Pyre over the edge. Pyre admitted Friday to burning Eickhoff Hall to the ground on March 23 after waiting 20 minutes in line for a piece of grilled chicken, which was reportedly undercooked. “It was raw, man, totally raw. I can’t eat that shit,” Pyre said. “Ask anybody, I’m sure they’d have done the same. I could’ve gotten worms, man. Worms.” Friends and family members said Pyre was “ticked off” about the possible tuition increases announced by president R. Barbara Gitenstein during her State of the College address, and cited his periodic outbursts during the week as possible warning signs for his actions. “He came back from that meeting a changed man,” said Pyre’s roommate, Kevin Arnold. “He would just go into these rants about the ‘before time’ and started listening to Creed. He is not the Frank I met at Play Fair.” In a frantic whirl of Vera Bradley wristlets, diners and residents alike evacuated the building when the fire started in the side dining area, also referred to as the “reject room,” set off detectors. Witnesses say Pyre lit stray copies of The Singal to
start the fire that would reduce Eickhoff Hall to ruins. “They reviewed one of my performances in the Rat once,” Pyre explained. “They said the audience was more interested in their wraps.” Luckily no one was hurt in the fire, but the damage to the building has left countless students homeless and hungry. “I wish I lived in Centennial,” said former Eickhoff resident, Bertha Mason. “Those kids have it made right now.” Since the fire, students have been finding shelter in the library, various parking garages and Holman Hall. “A pretty rough crowd rolls in Lot 6, so I’ve been shacking up in Holman,” said Gregory Peck, freshman women and gender studies major. Things, however, could be much worse. “Luckily, this happened on a Tuesday night, when most residents are off campus getting their drink on. Otherwise someone may have gotten hurt,” an anonymous staff member (trust us, this dude is high up there) said. “Oh, that’s off-the-record.” When asked if he regretted his decision to burn down Eickhoff, Pyre showed little remorse. “Yea, I’d do it again, man,” he said. “Sticking it to the man, man. That’s what I’m all about.”
After completing this semester, members of the class of 2013 are “highly encouraged” to drop out of the College, according to the Git. “You heard the Mayans. There isn’t any point in continuing their pursuit of higher education, when the world is just going to end when they’re juniors,” someone heard her say in an e-mail. “Why should they waste their youth reading? Or worse, writing?!” While the news would outrage most college students, luckily apathy has been the predominant response from the freshman class. “Oh, yeah that,” said freshman nursing major, Batman. “I don’t really follow politics, so this really doesn’t affect me.” The decrease in enrollment will free up housing for alternative purposes, sources say. Waterslides will be installed in Travers and Wolfe Halls, and Cromwell Hall will be transformed into an elaborate fort rather than housing freshman nerds. “In my experience, what every upper classmen is missing is a good old fashion fort,” said a mysterious man with a soul patch, outside Forcina Hall. “And in the Cromwell suites, think of the space for activities!” The immediacy of the end of the world has prompted some budgetary initiatives as well. Current propostions for spending surplus funds include a petting zoo and amusement park. “Why have money if you’re not going to spend it?” Gitenstein said. “The state funding has been burning a hole in my pocket for years. You want a roller coaster outside Green Hall? I’ll get you that roller coaster.”
Broke? Bored? Crack!
By Joseph Stalin Last True American Family Man
In the most recent “State of the College” meeting held by College the Git it was made fairly clear that, in reaction to governor Chris Christie’s budget cuts to higher education, tuition will increase in the fall. Although some students at the College have decided to just take this increase in stride, accepting the fact that they will be in debt for most of their adult lives, others have turned to more direct ways of coping with this newest frustration. After discussing the matter with several students, the most popular choice for tuitionbased stress management is overwhelming — hard drugs and alcohol, and lots of it. Despite countless hours of assemblies and the DARE program, which insist that drugs and alcohol are not the answer to any problems, it turns out that all of these efforts were for naught. Drugs and alcohol, in fact, are the answer for many students, including senior music history
major Johnny Hammersticks, who was hammering away like he was friggin’ Tommy Noble. “I was concerned about the tuition increases until my friends turned me on to dropping acid,” Hammersticks said, as he dropped acid. “Now I just ride in a hot air balloon with Alf and Tucker from ‘Are you afraid of the dark?’ Remember that show?” Hammersticks paused, removing a flask from his camouflage jacket and consumed the contents and then continued the interview, not regarding tuition increases, but regarding why frontal male nudity did not play a larger role in “Are you afraid of the dark?” Other students have become creative in dealing with tuition increases, concocting extremely potent drinking games to take away the financial pain. Instead of beer pong, students in Phelps and Hausdoerffer Halls play “crushed aspirin, Sudafed, Nyquil and Xanax mixed with Mountain Dew” pong.
Instead of the traditional rules of “quarters,” Townshouses East residents have a modified version that entails simply taking shots of vodka until the participants can no longer spell the word “quarters.” C o n s e q u e n t l y, transports on each morning, afternoon and night of the week at the College have increased exponentially and Lions EMS can barely keep up. “Sometimes we literally have to bring the drunk and high people we find with us to go help other drunk and high people,” senior Lions EMS crew chief Charlie Hammersticks (no relation to Johnny Hammersticks) said. “There just are not enough hours in the day.” In an effort to combat the number of students entering nearby Trenton for hard drugs and cheap liquor, and subsequently not returning, the C-Store has worked with the Git to lower the drinking age on campus from 21 to 17, as well
See GET THE FUCK OUT page 19,867,532
as legalizing all forms of illegal anti-depressants, narcotics, barbiturates and hallucinogens. Commenting on the situation at hand, the Git said, “At this point, everything is so screwed up, if it feels good, I say do it.” The C-Store will begin selling a variety of drugs and alcohol at discounted prices later this week, available via cash or Getit points. “We understand that times are tough, so we figured, the kids are buying the stuff off the street anyway, might as well make some money out of it,” John Higgins, general manager of Sodexho, said. Higgins anticipates Keystone Light and Natural Ice to be big hits around campus. Although most students are toking up and hitting the bottle hard these days, some are staying optimistic. Just earlier today, a male student stood atop Travers Hall, obviously looking to the sky and his endless possibilities for a future in these financial times. He stepped off the edge before we had a chance to speak with him.
INSIDE TODAY: Spiro T. Agnew ... represent! See page Q
Sex! Scandal! William Hung! See photos pages 50-60
OJ Simpson proposed keynote speaker for next semester. See page redrum