The Struggle is Real

Stacey Leigh-Ross Camberwell College of Arts, UK.

The third and final Inclusive Teaching & Learning Practice lecture and they didn’t pull any punches.

This was a heavy session. In the morning we looked at a lot of ‘touchy’ subjects. Subjects that need to be addressed but often aren’t because they are so uncomfortable. Jaime discussed a quote about Whiteness being “unmarked and unnamed”.

That really hit home.

I had never thought about it like that. It’s the default measure by which everything is rated, it feels like pretty much everything is identified in comparison to white.

In my last blog, I mentioned that what I want from white people is their discomfort, not apologies or shame or anything like that. It felt really good to hear this same concept of discomfort coming up in class and realising that even before this session I was already on the right track with my thinking. As a newcomer to the ‘woke’ party, I often feel wary of saying the wrong thing and saying too much (not that you’d guess that from these blogs. Ha!) So today, I don’t know if I got my discomfort wish granted but I do know I learned something important

about myself – I am uncomfortable listening to truthful information about race in the presence of white people.

There, I said it.

In discussing the concept of Whiteness, we listened to an excerpt from Robin Diangelo’s audio-book White Fragility. She is frank and brutal with her dissemination of the truth and I listened to it like a split personality. One half of me was like “Yea sister, tell it like it is!” The other half of me was cringing and bracing for impact – how much am I going to have to pacify while I try to justify and explain? How much energy will I need to use up trying not to cause offence while still getting the white people around me to open their minds to this information? That is an exhausting task and I’m operating on about five hours of sleep. I don’t think I’m up for this today. An Ally & An Oppressor…

Then I met an ally. I love allies. It’s like finding a port in the storm. They let you know that no, you didn’t imagine that, yes you have a right to be angry, and plot right alongside you to topple the instruments of oppression. And sitting right beside me was an ally. She was surprised by my discomfort (girl, me too!) and her response to the audio was so matter of fact – Yep! Total truth.

Where can I get this book? She just wanted to know and understand more so she could figure out how to dismantle this too. I cannot tell you how much that means to me.

By contrast, in total opposition to all the Critical Race Theory, White Supremacy, Whiteness and White Fragility information we learned not four hours earlier, one of my peers repeatedly stated that no examples of good non-white artists could be found in a particular art discipline. Even in the face of repeated polite but firm opposition, this person held the position that it was incredibly hard to find good non-white artists in this field. When presented with two examples of not only non-white but female professional artists in that discipline, the response was something along the lines of “I can’t just include artists because they aren’t white, their work needs to be good”.

Deep breath.

Several people challenged this with gently phrased comments like: (A) You will have to look harder for them because they will have been historically excluded from prominent recognised spaces, (B) I just did a Google search. Here’s one who is a black female professor at a US uni, (C) Surely it’s worth it to really dig for the information. This is the work that we’re about. (C) Here’s the name of one I know [insert name] check her out, (D) What is your definition of good? What informs that definition? Perhaps the culture of the artist changes the definition of good?

That last comment was mine, and I received a very condescending response delivered with an equally condescending smile, “Well some things just aren’t good practice. I can’t include something with an inky thumb print, it’s just not good enough” The Lesson that Churns…

I stopped talking at that point. My mum says that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing and I was losing my ability to be professional so I shut up. The insinuation that BAME artists are incapable of good practice and could not produce ‘good’ work is downright insulting and I have to wonder, what prompted this person to sign up for an inclusivity course if they have no intention of truly being inclusive. Talk about White Supremacy in action

– There you stand supporting institutional, systematic racist power games, acting like the gatekeeper who says “I really want to let

you in” with your mouth, but your actions scream “You don’t belong here. You are inferior and I will NEVER let you in”. Did somebody force you to take this class?

I could feel my blood pounding, my heart racing, my stomach churning. It was like swallowing acid listening to “I just can’t find any good work from BAME artists” mantra repeated over and over and over. It’s people who think like this person that makes people who look like me invisible. Later that evening, I was relating the incident to my husband and thinking out loud that I was a bit disappointed with myself. I should have been more than capable of dealing with this. How will I facilitate difficult discussions if I shut down and shut up to avoid losing my isht? And as soon as I asked the question, I knew the answer.

This one cut deep because I was not expecting it. For some reason I felt that the Inclusive Teaching & Learning Unit was meant to be a safe space because we were all there to learn how to create more inclusivity in our students’ experience. How naïve of me! So for me this felt like it came out of left field. Why are we on this course, if not to be more inclusive?

I forgot Rule #1 that my mum taught me – Nobody owes you anything.

Just because you treat someone a certain way does not under any circumstances mean that they will offer you the same courtesy (or discourtesy). So maybe there are other reasons that people are on this course. So to recap today’s big lessons for me –I get uncomfortable unpacking race topics in front of white people. I can see the work coming a mile away and it’s a heavy load. Take away 1 Learn to navigate and swim competently in the discomfort. Also, there are allies out there, the load can sometimes be shared. Nobody owes you anything. Expect anything from anyone any time, even in ‘safe’ spaces.

Take away 2 Feel the hurt or preferably let it slide off your back. Either way, do not pick up the muck left behind by someone else’s issues, that’s for them to deal with, not you.

Take away 3

If you speak your truth in a manner that does not disdain others, you will never have cause to regret your words.

Have a bit more faith in yourself girl.

I am powerful and somehow manage to be on the right track even when I don’t know exactly where I’m going. Take away – Walk tall in the direction that excites you. Your instincts are your guide.