Between Two Worlds by Thavin

A PARANOIA SCHIZOPHRENIA NARRATIVE

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BETWEEN TWO WORLDS A PARANOIA SCHIZOPHRENIA NARRATIVE

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This book is dedicated to family and friends who have supported me over the years.

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Table of Contents Introduction Paranoia Schizophrenia CHAPTER 01

”Knock Knock” my episode with audio hallucination

CHAPTER 02

”One by One” visits from entities and other beings

CHAPTER 03

“Down the Abyss” pushing prescription drugs onto us

CHAPTER 04

“Between Two Worlds” controlling my symptoms

Bibliography

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Page 10

Page 12

Page 22

Page 32

Page 50

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INTRODUCTION

Introduction This book will explore the testimonial of a fictious individual created by actual testimonials. In these entries, we will be introduced to all of the process, symptons, illnesses, disturbances, and attempted solutions of Paranoia Schizophrenia. These are real testimonials to help us better understand what people who live with the illness have to endure. It is not an easy road, and those who have just started may experience worse symptoms. We will journey down the road and experience the different stages and symptons. By the end of this book we hope we can spread the awareness of the mentally ill and be more conscious of people from all walks of life. Everyone suffers something different.

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KNOCK KNOCK

my episode with audio hallucination

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BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

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“it started with screaming”

I first started experiencing my symptoms when I was 19. It started with olfactory hallucinations, would smell excrement mainly but also things as strange as wet dog type of smell. I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment my auditory hallucinations began, but I remember it started with and screaming.

I would hear a male voice scream while I was trying to sleep; it would sound like he was in some sort of pain and agony. I was extremely disturbed for a long time and couldn’t tell anyone. Eventually a male voice began talking to me. Not all the time, before I started taking meds it would happen maybe a few times a week. He says all sorts of strange and bizarre things. His name is Jack and he claims to be my unborn twin brother. He critiques things that have happened throughout the day like choices I’ve made and my behavior during social interactions. He says I shouldn’t trust people and has named several of my friends as “spies” or “agents” who are out to get me or discredit me in some way. I don’t believe these hallucinations but it can be hard sometimes to differentiate between my hallucinations and reality especially if I’m not taking my meds and especially if I’ve been drinking heavily. Due to the nature of my hallucinations I found it hard to tell people about it. When I would get the urge to tell someone that person would be labelled as an “agent” who would use this information to discredit me and n be hard sometimes to differentiate between my hallucinations and reality especially if I’m not taking my meds and especially if I’ve been drinking heavily. Due to the nature of my hallucinations I found

.I couldn’t get the voice out of head, but they kept insisting tha When there was a certai so I would go back to .I could head, b W 14

...it start sc

rted with screaming

it hard to tell people about it. When I would get the urge to tell someone that person would be labelled as an “agent” who would use this information to discredit me and some how use it to lock me away for being insane. I don’t believe these hallucinations but it can be hard sometimes to differentiate between my hallucinations and reality especially if I’m not taking my meds and especially if I’ve been drinking heavily. Due to the nature of my hallucinations I found it hard to tell people about it. When I would get the urge to tell someone that person would be labelled as an “agent” who would use this information to discredit me and n be hard sometimes to differentiate between my hallucinations and reality especially if I’m not taking my meds and especially if I’ve been drinking heavily. Due to the nature of my hallucinations I found it hard to tell people about it. When I would get the urge to tell someone that person would be labelled as an “agent” who would use this information to discredit me and some how use it to lock me away for being insane. This terrible diet seemed to quickly worsen his psychosis and

MY EPISODE WITH AUDIO HALLUCINATION

the outbursts and voices obviously became much worse during this time. Like your son, my brother spent many hours each day just sitting in a chair staring into space - in fact between the pacing and the sitting - most of the past 10 years were spent doing just that. It was only after getting medication that he could finally converse with people and handle social situations to any significant degree. Yes, similar to your son’s experience with his hands, my brother thought for the longest time (two or three years - periodically it seemed) that my parents were clones and that they “changed” - i.e. that different clones were actually being cycled through the house - and really the house they were all living in was rightfully his since they were not his real parents. He thought my parents were shorter than the real parents - and that when they came back from a trip they were actually different people.

f my at I . ound o the dn’t get the voice out of my but they kept insisting that I . When there was a certai sound I would go back to the 15

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BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

When we travelled together during one summer each night in the hotel room he would baracade the door, put a towel along the bottom of the door, and would only sleep in a sleeping bag he had brought - putting it on top of the hotel bed (presumably because he didn’t want to get germs or other poisons left in the bed by other people).You said: “ The above are a brief summary of what was happening, so many things occured during this period I can’t remember or have blocked some of it out. I was able to admit him to the hospital by telling him we were just going to the doctor for a check up. We typed up an on-going summary of everything that my brother had done that seemed strange or different so that when we went to the doctors office we could give them a photocopied summary or printout so that they could very quickly understand my brother’s history and the extent of his illness. The greater the detail in this document the better - you want to convey the full extent of the illness - so rather than saying in your summary simply that “John leaves the kitchen and will not eat with the rest of the family because of a fear that we are contaminating his food” you might instead say “John has an extreme fear and belief that family members are placing toxins and poisons in his food. Because of this fear he now only purchases food in small prepackaged containers (cans, individually wrapped food items, etc.) that he will can eat entirely at one sitting. If he doesn’t completely eat or drink what is in that is package he will just throw the rest away rather than put it in the refrigerator for later consumption. At times If we walk into the kitchen while he is eating he it will frequently throw all his food because he seems to believe that we have “contaminated it”.

While my brother was occasionally violent he also went very calmly with the police when we called them after he had done some particularly high level of damage to the house. I think it was at this time - though it may have been at a different time - that when my brother got to the hospital he would seem to be able to control his psychosis and appear sufficiently normal that the doctors would say that he seems almost normal. I went to another day program and that helped me quite a bit. I was in that for four months and they taught me how to live on a budget and banking techniques and social assertiveness techniques and I found that very helpful because that gave me a reason to get up in the morning, even though I couldn’t work I could go to this day program. I was in the hospital a few more times because I was suicidal again, but then one of my doctors left and I had to find another doctor, so I found my present doctor and continued taking the loxapine but then tried risperidone for a few months. That seemed to work but I seemed to be a bit flat on that so I went back on the loxapine and vitamins and I feel fairly good today. I’m not ready for looking for a job but I may start looking for volunteer work. At least I have the hope element in my life. I know that all my suffering was for a reason and I have tremendous hope for the future. In the limiting condition that I have I still feel very optimistic about things and I found out through one of my doctors about financial aid, or GAIN, and that made a tremendous difference because I was not able to work at the time and having the money coming in allowed me to keep my apartment and I found that very helpful. I have since moved home with my parents because I became too lonely but I look forward to moving out again when I feel a lot better.

MY EPISODE WITH AUDIO HALLUCINATION

BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

The â&#x20AC;&#x153;Goodâ&#x20AC;? female voice encourages and compliments the male voice.

The good male voice encourages and compliments the female voice.

ey shift hey shift om voice from voice o voice of shift male and fe-they shift from m voice 18

MY EPISODE WITH AUDIO HALLUCINATION

Who said that? Many individulas eperience mutiple voice in their heads. Not all of the voice can be coherent. Often the voices come in pairs such as “Good Man and Women”, or “Bad Man and Woman”. The voice might sometime be distorted or warped sounding. Some Individuals who have suffered from Audio Hallucination claim that their voices will encourage them to do things against their will. It can be difficult dealing with these voice. At the current moment the only solution is therapy and prescription of different drugs.

The “Bad” female voice discourages and constantly harasses.

BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

MY EPISODE WITH AUDIO HALLUCINATION

ONE BY ONE

visits from entities and other beings

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labeled “cra

ONE BY ONE

1. Some individuals experience hallucination of multiple figures or shadows. 2. A “Controller” is usually in control of the actions and thoughts of individuals

I have suffered from this serious mental illness for over 25 years. In fact, I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t plagued with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. At times, I feel like the operator in my brain just doesn’t get the message to the right people. It can be very confusing to have to deal with different people in my head. When I become fragmented in my thinking, I start to have my worst problems. I have been hospitalized because of this illness many times, sometimes for as long as 2 to 4 months.

as azy

I guess the moment I started recovering was when I asked for help in coping with the schizophrenia. For so long, I refused to accept that I had a serious mental illness. During my adolescence, I thought I was just strange. I was afraid all the time. I had my own fantasy world and spent many days lost in it. I had one particular friend. I called him the “Controller.” He was my secret friend. He took on all of my bad feelings. He was the sum total of my negative feelings and my paranoia. I could see him and hear him, but no one else could. The problems were compounded when I went off to college. Suddenly, the Controller started demanding all my time and energy. He would punish me if I did something he didn’t like. He spent a lot of time yelling at me and making me feel wicked. I didn’t know how to stop him from screaming at me and ruling my existence. It got to the point where I couldn’t

decipher reality from what the Controller was screaming. So I withdrew from society and reality. I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening because I was so afraid of being labeled as “crazy.” I didn’t understand what was going on in my head. I really thought that other “normal” people had Controllers too. Paranoia started settling in, visions and hallucinations started to appear, I became withdrawn socially, I had severe behavioral problems (often getting into trouble with the law). Eventually I ended up on the streets. I was 16 when I was first diagnosed. This was after an episode where I was accused of making obscene phone calls to a social worker. I do not remember ever making these calls. I was in denial of the fact that I was schizophrenic and refused medical treatment. In fact, it wasn’t until March that I started taking medication for schizophrenia.... this is after 5 independent diagonoses. For so long, I refused to accept that I had a serious mental illness. During my adolescence, I thought I was just strange. I was afraid all the time. I had my own fantasy world and spent many days lost in it. I had one particular friend. I called him the “Controller.” He was my secret friend. He took on all of my bad feelings. He was the sum total of my negative feelings. 25

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Spiraling down the abyss I felt blessed in some strange way. I felt above normal. I think I had the most difficulty accepting the fact that the Controller was only in my world and not in everyone else’s world. I honestly thought that everyone could see and hear him. It progressed to where I thought the world could read my mind and that everything I imagined was being broadcast to the entire world. I would walk around paralyzed with fear that the hallucinations were real and the paranoia was evident to everyone. My psychosis was present at all times. At one point, I would look at my coworkers and their faces would become distorted. Their teeth looked like fangs ready to devour me. Most of the time I couldn’t trust myself to look at anyone for fear of being swallowed. I had no respite from the illness. Even when I tried to sleep, the demons would keep me awake, and at times I would roam the house searching for them. I was being consumed on all sides whether I was awake or asleep. I felt like I was being consumed by the demons. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. How could I convince the world that I wasn’t ill, wasn’t crazy? I couldn’t even convince myself. I knew something was wrong, and I blamed myself. None of my siblings have this illness, so I believed I was the wicked one.

I felt like I was running around in circles, not going anywhere but down into the abyss of “craziness.” I couldn’t understand why I had been plagued with this illness. Why would God do this to me? Everyone around me was looking to blame someone or something. I blamed myself. I was sure it was my fault because I just knew I was wicked. I could see no other possibilities. When I was in denial, I didn’t think anything was wrong with me at all. I didn’t actually realize that something was wrong until a very good friend of mine pointed out the possiblity of schiz, after I lost a job. I was working at a good job for a large company and I started getting paranoid that the other staff were trying to kill me. Looking back at it now, I see that it was a silly thing to be thinking... but at the time it was very real. I really thought that I had done something evil in my life and that was why I had this craziness in my head. I was deathly afraid that I would end up like my three paternal uncles, all of whom had committed suicide. I didn’t trust anyone. I thought perhaps I had a special calling in life, something beyond normal. Even though the Controller spent most of the

was r circle any

ONE BY ONE

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None of my siblings have this illness, so I believed I was the wicked one.. I felt like I was running around in circles, not going anywhere but down into the abyss of “crazirunning in ness.”around I couldn’t understand why I es, had not goi been plagued with this illness. ywhere but None down of my siblings have this believed I was the wicked I was running around in circles, anywhere but down into th “craziness.” I couldn’t understa been plagued with this ill would God do this to me? one around me was looking to time yelling his demands, I think I felt blessed in some strange way. I felt above normal. I think I had the most difficulty accepting the fact that the Controller was only in my world and not in everyone else’s world. I honestly thought that everyone could see and hear him. It progressed to where I thought the world could read my mind and that everything I imagined was being broadcast to the entire world. I would walk around paralyzed with fear that the hallucinations were real and the paranoia was evident to everyone. Most of the time I couldn’t trust myself to look at anyone for fear of being swallowed. I had no respite from the illness. Even when I tried to sleep, the demons would keep me awake, and at times I would roam the house searching for them. I was being consumed on all sides whether I was awake or asleep..

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Where will I go

I first started experiencing my symptoms when I was 19. It started with olfactory hallucinations, I would smell excrement mainly but also things as strange as wet dog type of smell. I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment my auditory hallucinations began, but I remember it started with screaming. I would hear a male voice scream while I was trying to sleep; it would sound like he was in some sort of pain and agony. I was extremely disturbed for a long time and couldn’t tell anyone. Eventually a male voice began talking to me. Not all the time, before I started taking meds it would happen maybe a few times a week. He says all sorts of strange and bizarre things. His name is Jack and he claims to be my unborn twin brother. He critiques things that have happened throughout the day like choices I’ve made and my behavior during social interactions. He says I shouldn’t trust people and has named several of my friends as “spies” or “agents” who are out to get me or discredit me in some way. I don’t believe these hallucinations but it can be hard sometimes to differentiate between my hallucinations and reality especially if I’m not taking my meds and especially if I’ve been drinking heavily. Due to the nature of my hallucinations I found it hard to tell people about it. 30

When I would get the urge to tell someone that person would be labelled as an “agent” who would use this information to discredit me and some how use it to lock me away for being insane. I first started experiencing my symptoms when I was 19. It started with olfactory hallucinations, I would smell excrement mainly but also things as strange as wet dog type of smell. I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment my auditory hallucinations began, but I remember it started with screaming. I would hear a male voice scream while I was trying to sleep; it would sound like he was in some sort of pain and agony. I was extremely disturbed for a long time and couldn’t tell anyone and some how use it to lock me away for being insane. He critiques things that have happened throughout the day like choices I’ve made and my behavior during social interactions. He says I shouldn’t trust people and has named several of my friends as “spies” or “agents” who are out to get me or discredit me in some way. I don’t believe these hallucinations but it can be hard sometimes to differentiate between my hallucinations and reality especially if I’m not taking my meds and especially. Stress played a big part in my oncoming illness. I had just moved in with my foster father to go to a bigger high school in

I d o n ’t bel t he se h alluc t i on s but i

ONE BY ONE

ieve c in a t can

Kansas City, Mo in 1986. I wanted to move out of my motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s home in a small midwestern town named Brookfield,Mo where i had attended 3 yrs of high school and had a 3.8 gpa to go to a bigger school in hopes of getting into a better college. My hopes were high indeed (i wanted to attend/get into Stanford or Berkeley) but due to the living conditions at my foster fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s apartment (he was living with a younger woman who was promiscuous) and my father himself suffered from bi- polar

from here? disorder and was in a psychiatric hospital for it. During this time i was in my first semester at school during the fall and i had crashed my new car into a pole at the parking lot of my school. This caused stress for me as it was embarrassing to make such a mistake in driving. I fit into the schoolâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s social life pretty good even though i transferred from another school in my senior year.

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DOWN THE ABYSS fix me with drugs will you?

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BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

...the medicine was poi-

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After the

drugs

In the hospital, every test known to man was run on me. When the psychiatrist said I had paranoid schizophrenia, I didn’t believe him. What did he know? He didn’t know me. He was just guessing. I was certain he was trying to trick me into believing those lies. Nevertheless, he did start me on an antipsychotic medicine and that was the first of many drugs I have been given over the years. This first medicine was Thorazine, the granddaddy of all psychoactive medicines. I have also, at one time or another, tried Mellaril, Stelazine, Haldol, Loxitane, Prolixm, and Serentil, to name a few. These medicines seemed to work for a while, but the symptoms always came back and the side effects were not pleasant. Many times, though, I began to think my medicine was poisoning me, and I would quit taking it. Then, the “craziness” would return in full force. I would usually end up in the hospital and, with more medication, doctors would stabilize the psychosis. I tried to commit suicide twice during these periods. I wanted to punish myself for having this devastating illness. The Controller was trying to ruin my life. He was making me miserable. Yet, I clung to him like a sinking ship, even though I felt like I was drowning, slowly but surely. I was truly blessed when I started seeing my present therapist. I have been seeing him for the past 19 years. He has been the buoy in the raging waters of my mind. I was blessed again when I became the patient of my present psychiatrist. He has been taking

hit me care of me for over 16 years. They both have been my saviors. They have not hesitated to try new medicines and new approaches. No matter how bad things have been, they have always been there for me, pulling me back into the realm of sanity. They have saved my life more than once. In fact, it was through them that I started taking Clozaril, a true miracle drug. It doesn’t have half the side effects that the other neuroleptics have, and I have done remarkably well on this medication. The only problem with this medicine is its extremely high cost, which is why most people with schizophrenia are not taking it. Fortunately, my medical insurance covers the high cost of this drug. In fact, my medical insurance has paid for all of my hospitalizations and treatment. Sometimes I get scared that they will drop me, but I choose not to dwell on this fear.

DOWN THE ABYSS

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BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

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DOWN THE ABYSS

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BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

I first started exper toms when I was 19. I olfactory hallucinatio excrement mainly but strange as wet dog t can’t really pinpoint t my auditory hallucinat remember it started would hear a male vo was trying to sleep; it he was in some sort o I was extremely distu time and couldn’t tel Eventually a male voic to me. Not all the ti started taking meds maybe a few times a I first started experiencing sorts my of symptoms strange and w It started with olfactory Hishallucinations, name is Jack I and wo things as strange as wet mydog unborn type twin of smell. brot ly pinpoint the exact moment things that my auditory have happ h began, but I rememberthe it started day like with choices screI voice scream while I was behavior trying to during sleep; socia it like he was in some sort says Iof shouldn’t pain and trust ago tremely disturbed for a long time and could Eventually a male voice began talking to me. time, before I started taking meds it would be a few times a week. He says all sorts and His name is Jack and he claims to be my He critiques things that have happened thr day like choices I’ve made and my behavio cial interactions. He says I shouldn’t trust pe

DOWN THE ABYSS

This first medicine was Thorazine, the granddaddy of all psychoactive medicines. I have also, at one time or another, tried Mellaril, Stelazine, Haldol, Loxitane, Prolixm, and Serentil, to name a few. These medicines seemed to work for a while, but the symptoms always came back and the side effects were not pleasant. Many times, though, I began to think my medicine was poisoning me, and I would quit taking it. Then, the “craziness” would return in full force. I would usually end up in the hospital and, with more medication, doctors would stabilize the psychosis. I tried to commit suicide twice during these periods. I wanted to punish myself for having this devastating illness. The Controller was trying to ruin my life. He was making me miserable. Yet, I clung to him like a sinking ship, even though I felt like I was drowning, slowly but surely. I was truly blessed when I started seeing my present therapist. I have been see-

riencing my sympIt started with ons, I would smell t also things as type of smell. I the exact moment tions began, but I d with screaming. I oice scream while I t would sound like of pain and agony. urbed for a long ll anyone. ce began talking ime, before I it would happen a week. He says all when d bizarre I was things. 19. d ould he smellalso claims to be ther. I can’t Herealcritiques pened hallucinations throughout eamar ’ve made a male and my alwould interactions. sound He ony. people I wasand ex-has dn’t tell anyone. . Not all the happen mays of strange y unborther. roughout the or during soeople and has

Another Alternative ing him for the past 19 years. He has been the buoy in the raging waters of my mind. I was blessed again when I became the patient of my present psychiatrist. He has been taking care of me for over 16 years. They both have been my saviors. They have not hesitated to try new medicines and new approaches. No matter how bad things have been, they have always been there for me, pulling me back into the realm of sanity. They have saved my life more than once. In fact, it was through them that I started taking Clozaril, a true miracle drug. It doesn’t have half the side effects that the other neuroleptics have, and I have done remarkably well on this medication. The only problem with this medicine is its extremely high cost, which is why most people with schizophrenia are not taking it. Fortunately, my medical insurance covers the high cost of this drug. In fact, my medical insurance has paid for all of my hospitalizations and treatment. Sometimes I get scared that they will drop me, but I choose not to dwell on this fear. I do know that I could not have made it as far As I have today without the love and support

of my family, my therapists, and my friends. It was their faith in my ability to overcome this potentially devastating illness that carried me through this journey. There are so many people with serious mental illnesses. We need to know that we, too, can be active participants in society. We do have something to contribute to this world, if we are only given the opportunity. So many wonderful medications are now on the market, medications that allow us to be “normal.” It is up to us, people with schizophrenia, to be patient and to be trusting. We must believe that tomorrow is another day, perhaps one day closer to fully understanding schizophrenia, to knowing its cause. They both have been my saviors. They have not hesitated to try new medicines and new approaches. No matter how bad things have been, they have always been there for me, pulling me back into the realm of sanity. They have saved my life more than once. In fact, it was through them that I started taking Clozaril, a true miracle drug. It doesn’t have half the side effects that the other neuroleptics have, and I have done well on this medication. This lasted about two years and I was quite suicidal for that period of two years because I didn’t know what was going on and I was becoming more and more depressed as I could see my career slipping away from myself and living in this world that I had created and not having any idea what I was supposed to do with my life at that time.

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IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THE CHAOS

DOWN THE HATCH

Prescribed Drugs of Patients Some of us as patients are required to take these prescriptions. Even when we deny them from the institute-they try to explain to us that we will be sent back to the hospital is we don’t take themEventually a male voice began talking to me. Not all the time, before I started taking meds it would happen maybe a few times a week. He says all sorts of strange and bizarre things. His name is Jack and he claims to be my unborn twin brother. He critiques things that have happened throughout the day like choices I’ve made and my behavior during social i nteractions. He says I shouldn’t trust people and has named several of my friends as “spies” or “agents” who are out to get me or discredit me in some way.

1. WELLBUTRIN Brupropion is an atypical drug used as a smoking cessation aid.

5. LEXAPRO Escitalopram acts as a selective seratonin reuptake inhibator or SSRI.

2. CELEXA Citalopram is used to treat depression associated with mood disorders.

6. PROZAC Fluoxetine is used for depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorders (OCD).

3. AMORYN Amoryin is a dietary supplement used to relieve depression in anxiety.

7. LUVOX Fluvoxamine is used for obsessivecompulsive disorder.

4. CYMBALTA Duloxetine is used primarily for major depression disorders (MDD).

8. REMERON Mirtazapine is used to treat mental depression.

DOWN THE ABYSS

65%

47%

70%

47% 5.

37%

53%

75%

47%

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TRANSITION

controlling my symptoms

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BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

ing my symptoms when I was 19. hallucinations, I would smellalso dog type of smell. I can’t realment my auditory hallucinations t started with screamar a male trying to sleep; it would sound rt of pain and agony. I was exlong time and couldn’t tell anyone. egan talking to me. Not all the king meds it would happen mayek. He says all sorts of strange he claims to be my unborther. have happened throughout the ade and my behavior during soI shouldn’t trust people and has

The height of his symptoms appears to have started in 1958 when he showed up to a New Year’s Eve party dressed as a baby, almost entirely naked besides a diaper and sash across his chest. He carried a milk bottle and spent much of his evening sitting on his wife’s lap. Shortly after this he began to tell others in the mathematics department at MIT that he was receiving messages from powers in outer space or from foreign governments via The New York Times, and that the encrypted messages were only meant for him and could not be decoded by anyone else. Nash began writing letters to various ambassadors and foreign embassies across the globe. He had told a friend, Martin, that he was forming a world government and that he was putting together a committee to help him run it. He said that once it was in place, he would become the Emperor of Antarctica (Capps, 2004a). Nash also began to stay up late each night and write letters to the U.N., the pope, and the FBI (Nasar, 2001). He believed that he was going to found an international organization. Not only did he write to these government-related individuals and organizations, but also to colleagues and friends. He would write in a paranoid manner, in many different colors of ink, and at least once mentioned that he believed that his career was being ruined by aliens from outer space. At some point he began to notice what he believed to be a pattern around the MIT campus. He saw men in red ties walking around campus, and later aroundBoston, who seemed to be signaling to him and to be part of “a crypto-communist party”. Nash was hospitalized and told friends who visited him of his grandiose delusions; that he had ideas in his head that he could not control, that there was a conspiracy “among military leaders to take over the world,” of which he was in charge, and that he was the left foot of God and that God was walking on the earth” He seemed to believe that there were secret numbers that only “the

WHEN I TRANSITI INT ANO WO initiated” were aware of. Nash left his job as a professor at MIT in July 1959, only 2 months after his release from the hospital, with the delusion that he had some kind of special knowledge and wanted to cut all social ties. He travelled toEuropeand attempted to renounce his American citizenship and become the “first citizen of the world,” which did not end in success. However, not only did he wish to renounce his citizenship, but also desired refugee status. In addition to these delusions of world government and conspiracy, he continued to develop more delusions revolving around God and religion. According to Nasar (2001), Nash felt in one moment as though he was the left foot of God, but at other times he believed that he was the center of the universe. He often believed that he was a religious or messianic figure of great and secret importance, and would often open up several bank accounts under false names across the world Nash was deported back to theUnited Statesand he went toPrincetonwhere he wandered and spent much of his time alone; quite aloof from others. By July 1962 he was very ill again, obsessing over asylum, conspiracies involving the Catholic Ecumenical Council, and making obsessive phone calls and writing incomprehensible messages on blackboards at the Institute for Advanced Study. He was hospitalized yet another time, and upon release he began to improve again. However, by February of 1964 he was experiencing restlessness, and told his sister that he was attempting to not return to his delusions. He returned toEuropewhere he still believed he was a special religious figure and where he began to hear voices, also referred to as auditory hallucinations, which seemed to be other mathematicians who were against his ideas.

I first started experiencing m It started with olfactory hallu things as strange as wet dog ly pinpoint the exact moment began, but I remember it star voice scream while I was tryin like he was in some sort of tremely disturbed for a long Eventually a male voice began time, before I started taking m be a few times a week. H and His name is Jack and he c He critiques things that have day like choices I’ve made a

TRANSITION

ION TO OTHER ORLD

ed eing my symptom ctory hallucinations, I would sm exact my auditory hallucinations ed eingb mar ctory a male hallucinatio voice d sound like exact he wasmyin auditory some sorh mar d sound like he wa Eventually a male voice begfor and some how use Eventually a male and s

my symptoms when I was 19. ucinations, I would smellalso type of smell. I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t realt my auditory hallucinations rted with screamar a male ng to sleep; it would sound f pain and agony. I was extime and couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t tell anyone. talking to me. Not all the meds it would happen mayHe says all sorts of strange laims to be my unborther. e happened throughout the and my behavior during so-

BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

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TRANSITION

“I learned to under stand that socializ ing is a way of killing free time -- and it’s much more enjoyable when you do things with others, once you understand them”. It all began in 2003. I started to gain an interest in psychology. I had already learned quite a bit about various disorders. It was in this time period that I stumbled across schizophrenia as a condition. As I read more about it, I came to realize that this really sounded like me. I found that I had numerous symptoms, including so-called early warning signs that appear in late childhood into adolescence. The more I read, the more I became concerned that I may have this disorder. Finally, in early 2004 a friend of mine tells me out of the blue that he is schizophrenic. As he describes himself to me, I realized that it was time to get tested. While trying to get the money together to conduct the tests, I found myself being given undeniable proof. I started to hallucinate. I experienced sounds, visions, and smells that were not there. Each one I was able to associate with long passed memories. My attack lasted only a short while -- I believe this to be the reason predominantly because I was able to make the associations.

I was finally tested in the spring of 2004. The results came back as I had expected: I was a paranoid schizophrenic. As a result of this, I decided to give the drugs a try but I was quickly put off by the plethora of side effects I experienced. I thought: there had to be a better way. So I kept searching, and in my searches I stumbled across a website which had a simple method for non-schizophrenics to deal with schizophrenics. The website said something akin to when a schizophrenic is bumped by somebody, they’ll frequently react that the government is watching me. The site suggested as a response that the person say “It is annoying when somebody bumps you.” Suddenly, it struck me what I as missing: emotions. All of these thoughts of paranoia; all these delusions -- they were all centered around emotions. I quit the drugs and proceeded to try this form of reasoning with myself. I soon found myself developing emotionally. I started to gain a concept of emotions that I had never experienced before in my life. Instead of driving down the street and thinking that the car in front of me existed only for the purpose of delaying me, I soon came to realize that it was another person in that car and that they were just driving at what they considered to be an appropriate speed. I soon started picking up on the fact that every time I said “other people” (ex: Other people need to get somewhere), I was really offsetting my emotions away from myself. Instead of saying “other people”, I learned to say “I”. Amazing things started to happen. First, the world no longer appeared as nothing more than patterns. I could look at a tree, a bush, etc. without seeing every leaf. I could look at a painting and feel it’s soothing emotional effect, or it’s terror, or whatever it was painted to convey.

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Overcoming Today I still experience some symptoms, though they number far fewer than I used to. My typical day is spent anchored in reality, with mild thought disturbances that I have learned to blow off. When I get delusional, the delusions last a matter of a second or two -to the point where they simply don’t effect my life anymore. My experience with this form of treatment have been so successful that when I told a Psychiatrist on my hockey team about my diagnosis, he flat out didn’t believe me. There are still areas that I am still experiencing problems, but I have found that I am not at the end of this path yet -- though I feel that I’m getting pretty close. In summary, I have overcome this disorder without drugs, and

without the side effects that the drugs cause. I later learned that the therapy I learned to perform on myself is called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. Doing it is as simple as 1) Recognize that you have this disorder; 2) don’t be ashamed of it, be proud of it as it is who you are; 3) analyze your thoughts. Look for the real emotions behind them and learn to apply them to yourself. This can be difficult as you probably don’t have a concept of how to apply the emotion to yourself. 4) Keep reading about the disorder and learn to recognize the symptoms in yourself and use this as a method of putting thing back together.

TRANSITION

BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

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BIBLIOGRAPHY Schizophrenia of The Street Schizophreniaofthestreet.com/herit

Adrift In An Anchorless Reality www.mentalhealth.com/story/p52-sc03.html

The Great Paranoia Thegreatparanoia.com/anxiety

Bedroom Stories Bedroomstories.com/lake123

Audio Hallucination Hallucinations.net/audio

Why we Wish Whywewish.com/perfume

Society of Mental Illness Medicalsociety.org/audiovisual

Schizophrenia of The Street Schizophreniaofthestreet.com/herit

The Great Paranoia Thegreatparanoia.com/anxiety

Bedroom Stories Bedroomstories.com/lake123

Audio Hallucination Hallucinations.net/audio

Why we Wish Whywewish.com/perfume

Society of Mental Illness Medicalsociety.org/audiovisual

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Schizophrenia of The Street Schizophreniaofthestreet.com/herit

The Great Paranoia Thegreatparanoia.com/anxiety

Bedroom Stories Bedroomstories.com/lake123

Audio Hallucination Hallucinations.net/audio

Why we Wish Whywewish.com/perfume

Society of Mental Illness Medicalsociety.org/audiovisual

Schizophrenia of The Street Schizophreniaofthestreet.com/herit

The Great Paranoia Thegreatparanoia.com/anxiety

Bedroom Stories Bedroomstories.com/lake123

Audio Hallucination Hallucinations.net/audio

Why we Wish Whywewish.com/perfume

Society of Mental Illness Medicalsociety.org/audiovisual

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TYPEFACE The text is set in Proxima Nova Light designed by Mark Simonson and issued in digital form by Mark Simonsons Studio, St. Paul, Minnesota in 2000 The headings are in Baskerville designed by John Baskerville in 1757 and issued by Deberny & Peignot Linotype

SOFTWARE Adobe Creative Cloud InDesign, Photoshop, Illustrator

EQUIPMENT MacBook Pro 13.3-inch 2013 Epson WF-7610

PAPER Red River 60lb. Polar Matte 2 Sided

PRINTING AND BINDING Printing: Plotnet, San Francisco, Ca Binding: California Office Services, SF, Ca Date: December 10, 2015

PUBLISHER Gingko Press, Berkeley, Ca

DESIGNER Thavin Rajanakhan, Jungle Studios

PHOTOGRAPHY Thavin Rajanakhan

ABOUT THE PROJECT This is a student project only. No part of this book or any other part of the project was produced for commercial use. 52

COLOPHON