HOBOSCOPES

PISCES

“What is the sound of one hand clapping?” asked the wise man. “Probably something like this” replied the wise man’s double-jointed roommate while he flapped his hands back and forth like flippers making little slapping noises as his fingers hit his palms. Some people are more comfortable with the unanswerable than others, Pisces. Today, before you start playing “If You’re Happy and You Know It’ on a kazoo while frantically one-hand clapping, take a moment to sit with the question.

ARIES

You fought long and hard to get to where you are, Aries. It took focus and dedication to prove yourself. And now that you’ve shown what you can do, everybody expects you to do it every single day. You put in the work and the reward is that you get to put in more work. It’s kind of exhausting. Keep going, Aries. There may not be a break for a while, but there can be peace in the rhythm.

TAURUS

I hate this parking lot. It’s so long and so crowded and there are so many speed bumps. I’m just trying to find a space close enough to the Wash-n-Win where I don’t have to walk half a mile with my laundry basket and–hup!– here’s another speed bump. Just when you know what you want, Taurus, there’s always something that pops up in the way to slow you down. The trick is to keep going in the right direction without getting ahead of yourself. Tackle the speed bumps one at a time. Give them the time they need. They may slow you down, but they won’t throw you off course.

GEMINI

I assume you’ve been keeping up with the news, Gemini? Plagues, wars, natural disasters–it’s pretty overwhelming. And it’s easy to get numb to it–to dismiss it as far away or not a part of my reality. But each of those people in the news is just as complete and complicated and worthy of love as you are. Go ahead and let that overwhelm you for just a little bit. That everybody, whatever their nationality or politics, is just as real as you. Then let yourself arrive back in the place where you are with the tasks that you have to face. Just one of the billions of whole entire people in the world.

CANCER

Yesterday I saw springtime peeking out from behind the tree in my neighbor’s front yard. It’s been sneaking around the neighborhood since the end of last week. Hiding under puddles. Darting past when a bird flaps its wings. We’ve got a few more weeks before it will really show it’s face, but these glimpses remind me that change is coming. It’s the one natural constant that we can always see. Change. It’s coming for you, too.

LEO

Who’s a good Leo? Who’s a good Leo? Are you a good Leo? Yes you are! Yes you are a good Leo! I’m sorry, Leo, I really shouldn’t scratch you behind the ears like that, but it’s just so fun to see how excited you get, running all around with your tennis ball and doing circles on the living room rug. What I’m trying to say, Leo, is that I think you should let yourself get excited about the things that you love. There’s no sense in holding all that in.

VIRGO

I’ll bet 500 years ago it was a lot easier to ignore world events. Like, you’d just wake up in your village and walk around your village to see the people in your village and do your village stuff. These days we wake up and have instant access to everything happening everywhere on earth. Pace yourself, Virgo. You can scroll through terrifying images on your phone, but you can only take in so much. Maybe today or you can look up and talk to the people in your village and do your village stuff.

LIBRA

There’s a TV on in the tire shop. There’s a guy on the TV talking about whose fault all the bad stuff is. He says everything is going wrong and he says he knows why. But I know he’s got it all wrong. He’s so wrong it makes my teeth itch. And I want to hate the guy on the TV, Libra. But I know that hate won’t get us anywhere. So I just imagine that he’s here with me in the tire shop. And that I tell him he’s incomprehensibly valuable based only on his innate humanity. And in my imagining he quietly accepts this and changes his ways. And I stand up and mute the TV.

SCORPIO

Most of us aren’t very good at dealing with big numbers. Like, you probably know what you were doing 10 minutes ago. But what were you doing a million minutes ago? I’ll give you a hint, a million minutes is a little over 2 years. What were you doing a billion minutes ago? You probably weren’t doing much because that was the year 120 AD. I don’t think we were made to have billions of dollars or influence millions of lives. Our brains can’t even make sense of it. But maybe for the next 10 minutes you could try to live in the present moment.

SAGITTARIUS

All the plants I brought inside for the winter are getting anxious. They’re losing leaves and looking scrawny and pale. They think they’re ready to go back outside, but I know we need to wait a little longer. You might relate, Sagittarius. It seems like you’ve been cooped up in here for ages. But it won’t be long now. The days are getting longer and the freezes are getting fewer and farther between. Your day is coming, Sagittarius, it’s just a little further away than you’d like it to be. Stay potted and soak up what you can through the window. We’re almost there.

CAPRICORN

The weeds know what’s coming. They’re waiting down there under the dirt and they’ve got big plans. The weeds aren’t playing around. They won’t rush it. They won’t be late. They won’t get flustered. The weeds know what’s coming but you do too. It’s gonna get warmer and brighter and there’s gonna be some real opportunities to grow. Don’t fear the weeds get in your way, Capricorn. Get to growing and don’t stop till you’re done.

AQUARIUS

What if you gave it up, Aquarius? Not forever. Just for a while. A month and a week. Just give it up for that long. Find out who you are without it. Decide if that’s who you want to be. Try it out. Give it up.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered parking attendant, or a zen koan. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1